Uzumaki Harry
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Uzumaki Harry is the adopted brother of Naruto and Sasuke, under the guardianship of Jiraiya. Anko is his sensei. He edits 'Icha Icha'. Can you picture how messed up this is going to be?
1. How Do Things Get Messed Up?

A/N: Strange. I seem to be doing a lot of HP fics these days. Huh. Must be the trend.

I'm writing this as future material/setup for a big crossover I'm planning. Still, I like the story too, which I hope is better than some of the Harry/ Naruto crosses out there that usually involve a manipulative Dumbledore, inter-dimensional travel, big messes, yaoi, over-powered techniques and never being completed. The second and third, I can take, but the rest… **ugh!**

Slight OOC, but nothing I can't write around or explain away…

You'd think I'd know better than to work on so many fics at once, what with college and all, but apparently, I'm not that smart…

Edit: okay, since people keep incessantly asking… THIS CAME FIRST! Yes, if you compare the publishing dates, THIS CAME BEFORE **_UCHIHA POTTER_**. And really, those are two family names, so that title should be hyphenated.

Please help fill up the tvtropes page!

* * *

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: The Obligatory 'How Do Things Get Messed Up?' Chapter

Disclaimer: Harry belongs to Rowling, Naruto belongs to Kishimoto. This story belongs to me. Somehow, I don't think anyone is going to make any fanfics about this.

* * *

Jiraiya quickly rushed over to the smoldering ruin that used to be the Potter house. He didn't have a lot of time. People would be here shortly, and he _really_ didn't want to have to answer inconvenient questions.

It had been pure dumb luck, really, that he'd been on his way to visit that Potters that night. He wanted to talk to James about this idea he had for a line of books, maybe listen to Lily fake-gush about his manliness- just a little fun between friends. He _hadn't_ been expecting to arrive to find the Dark Mark hanging over their house, just in time to see a room on the second floor explode in green light, followed by the rest of the house.

Thanking his lucky stars that he felt the boy still alive, he quickly dug little Harry out of the rubble. Surprisingly, he was lying in a 'bubble' of wreckage, wrapped securely in his blanket and very much uninjured. He was looking curiously around him, not understanding what had happened. Jiraiya was glad for small mercies.

Carefully taking the little boy in his arms, he pondered what to do. If this attack on the Potters was any indicator, it meant that their enemies, the Death Eaters (personally, Jiraiya always thought that was a stupid name) had targeted them explicitly for death. He knew all about the measures his friends had taken, and it sent a shiver up his spine to think they'd managed to break through it. There was a spy in the Potter's midst, and he could not in good conscience leave their son here to be found by whoever had betrayed them.

Not knowing how his actions would seriously mess up canon, Jiraiya body-flickered away, just in time to miss the bearded giant and the flying motorcycle…

* * *

The Yondaime looked at the little bundle his former sensei was pushing at him. "Say that again?"

Jiraiya smiled widely. "Pretty please? With sugar on top? Come on, do it for old times sake! Think about it this way; you and the wife have been planning to have a kid, and this is an excellent way to practice while helping out an old friend and while giving a little innocent a chance at life."

The Yondaime looked skeptically at the sleeping child. He and James Potter hadn't exactly been close, but they'd respected each other's abilities, if nothing else. He sighed. Besides, he owed the man a life-debt, which was something that had been tugging at his sense of honor, especially since the other man had never really tried to collect. "Fine! Better than him living with you, anyway. At least he won't be exposed to your perversion."

Jiraiya snickered sinisterly, or at least in what he thought was a sinister manner. It sounded kinda silly to the Yondaime, however. When he gave his former sensei a questioning look, however, he just grinned, saying something like "You'll understand in a few years."

Sighing again, he looked at the baby in his hands (when had Jiraiya handed him to him?) and thought about how his wife would react. He wondered what had happened to James that left his son in the care if Jiraiya. The Yondaime hadn't been able to spare any time to find out the condition of the outside world, things being messed up enough in the Hidden Countries as they were without anything else added in. Still, it must have been something bad if they'd leave their son with a pervert- granted, an _honorable_ pervert, but still a pervert- like Jiraiya.

Suddenly, he focused on the sleeping boy's face. How the _heck_ did he get that scar…?

* * *

A year later, the Kyuubi attacked. It wasn't pretty…

* * *

Jiraiya couldn't help but sigh. He thought he'd just gotten out of this situation. Now he had _two_ snot-nosed brat to worry about! And to top it all off, he still couldn't find anyone who'd take a look at his book! Two and a half volumes good to go of the hottest stuff this side of a fire _jutsu_, and not one taker! Ugh…

* * *

Some years later…

Five-year old Uzumaki Harry really wanted to hit something as he daubed iodine on his little brother's cuts. Granted, his brother could be loud, but was that any excuse to _push him until he fell to the ground?_ He'd have a talk with grandpa Hokage about this, later. That idiot said he'd have ANBU watching over them to make sure they were alright, but had those masked idiots shown up to help his little brother? Nnn-ooo-ooo! They'd probably been knocking up drinks somewhere, bumming around.

Little Naruto tried not to cry as the iodine burned his cuts. He knew his onii-chan was mad. He was always mad after people beat on Naruto. He didn't know _why_ people hated him so much, even before they'd met him. All it would take was the mention of his name to get the grown ups worked up. Well, most grown ups. Grandpa Hokage didn't mind, and other kids didn't know what the big deal was, although they were slowly absorbing the grownup's attitude towards him.

Keeping tears in check- it wouldn't do any good to cry!- he pasted a half-hearted smile on his face. "Wh-what's for dinner, onii-chan?"

Harry's lips pursed for a moment as he tucked away the much-overused first-aid kit. "Instant ramen again. Those idiots at the orphanage forgot to send us money this week. Again. I'm going to tell the Hokage, but I don't know what good it'll do. Why do they hate us so much?"

Angrily, Uzumaki Harry rubbed at the scar on his head. He always did that when he was irritated, a habit that developed from all the people who'd ask him about it. He'd finally told them to 'f-k-off', something he'd heard from their uncle Jiraiya during the times he'd visit. He'd quickly learned other words to add to his repertoire, which he constantly used on anyone who'd _dare_ touch his little brother. Needless to say, this didn't help with his popularity.

After a sparse dinner of slightly stale instant ramen Harry had been able to beg from a shopkeeper in exchange for a few chores, the two brothers retired to their shared bed. The apartment the Hokage had found for them had only one, and they didn't have enough money to buy a second. Granted, there was the couch, but neither really saw that as an option. Besides, both would invariably have nightmares if they slept alone, Naruto about the abuse people had been heaping on him since before he could remember, Harry about a strange green light and a collapsing house…

* * *

Harry grinned as his fist connected solidly with the jaw of the boy he was fighting, and felt those around him wince. He'd distinctly heard the crack of a dislocated jaw. Not that Harry was any better. He doubted he'd be able to fall asleep that night, considering the bruises over his body. He'd taken quite a beating, and wasn't really sure if the pain in his wrist was because his opponent had stepped on it at one point or because he'd broken his wrist. Still, it had been worth it. "Hah! That's what you get for messing with the Uzumakis! You'd better not mess with my little brother again!"

Iruka sighed, shaking his head as he made a couple of marks next to Harry's name in the pad he was holding, while a couple of boys helped the unconscious boy he'd been fighting off the mat. The dark-haired boy regularly used the _taijutsu_ training period to beat the stuffing of the boys who'd apparently wronged him or his brother, although this didn't help to make him popular. He'd annoyed a lot of people his age this way, and Iruka figured it was only a matter of time before something unfortunate happened.

When Harry had entered the ninja Academy, Iruka had taken an interest in him. The green-eyed boy had been disturbingly zealous in his studies, and it had become obvious after a while that he saw being a ninja as a way he could protect his little brother from the abuse people threw at him, not to mention a means of getting a little payback, the _taijutsu_ sessions being a prime example.

Iruka was afraid Harry didn't seem to realize that 'evening the score' like that would have consequences…

* * *

Harry tried not to cry out as a foot struck his rather bruised ribs. Apparently, Naruto wasn't the only one with a big brother they could run to.

"You like that, Uzumaki? Huh?" his aggressor said, emphasizing the words with a couple more kicks. "You think it was _fun_, beating on my little brother like that? Huh?"

To add insult to injury, the one kicking him was a girl. Ugh!

"Tell him to stay away from my little brother, or else!" Harry managed to choke out, earning another kick for his troubles.

"You're not in charge here, runt!" the girl said. A few of the people who'd ganged up on him on his way home joined in on the kicking. It felt like hours for Harry, until he heard a commotion above him, followed by his tormentors running away. Raising his head wearily, he caught a glimpse of an older boy with a forehead protector on his brow and strange lines on his face before he blacked out.

* * *

And thus, Uzumaki Harry was introduced to Uchiha Itachi. The genin and Academy student made a strange pair. Apparently, Itachi had seen Harry in trouble and decided that he thought the odds needed evening up. The next day, Harry had gone to the Uchiha compound to thank his savior, and an unlikely friendship was born.

The genius wasn't the chattiest of people, and many people wondered what their relationship consisted of. Those who made insinuations were quickly silenced, either by Itachi, who would usually have quiet words with the person, or Harry, who yelled at the top of his lungs that he wasn't gay, and furthermore was too young for that kind of stuff!

Harry and eventually Naruto started frequenting the Uchiha part of town more often. The people there seemed more tolerant of Naruto, although that could be because he and his brother were under the protection of Itachi, the star prodigy of the family.

Itachi and Harry weren't exactly having a 'normal' friendship. This was Itachi, after all. Itachi seemed to take it into himself to see that Harry could 'defend himself from butch tomboys', as he said it. Things didn't exactly go according to plan. For one thing, when Itachi tried to teach Harry the Gōkakyū no Jutsu, Harry couldn't talk for days because he burned his throat. Shisui would sometimes join them and Harry would end up Uchiha double-teamed.

Because of this, Naruto and Itachi's younger brother Sasuke met and started spending time together. The two initially didn't get along, although their respective older brothers found their fights amusing. When the two younger boys asked for help, Harry just said, "What's the fun in that?"

The next day, the two younger boys put food coloring in Itachi's shampoo and glue on Harry's sandals.

That officially started the friendship of Naruto and Sasuke. Pity the happy times couldn't last…

* * *

Naruto didn't know what to do with Sasuke. The boy just sat there, a haunted look in his eyes. In the next room, he could hear Harry onii-chan talking to the Hokage, but he couldn't make out what they were saying.

Sasuke had been like this since before they'd gone back to the Uzumaki apartment. Since…

Naruto shook his head, trying to rid himself of the visions, but they wouldn't go away.

They should have realized something was wrong when they approached the Uchiha compound and didn't see anyone. Harry and Naruto had been walking Sasuke home from the Academy, and had been slightly bothered no one was around. Granted, they hadn't exactly been expecting Itachi waiting at the gates- in the two years Harry had known him, it had been rare that Itachi had been waiting for Harry at the gates. Usually, Harry would need to seek him out. Meetings became less frequent when Itachi became ANBU, since he was so busy. Still, they'd managed to get the guy to stop enough to give him a congratulatory party, which had consisted of the four of them pigging out on ramen. After which the three had slipped sake into his drink, waited for him to fall asleep, then dumped him naked on the other side of town.

Naruto had been thinking that maybe Itachi onii-san was dreaming up some kind of prank as payback for that- granted it had been a few weeks ago- and this was just some kind of set up- Itachi had disturbingly good pranks, which often seemed to do with pancake syrup- when they'd seen the weird stains on the walls. It wasn't until they bumped into the first body of a dead Uchiha that it really clicked there was a problem.

Harry and Naruto had tried to drag Sasuke away, get help, maybe a couple of ANBU, but the boy had suddenly become frantic, running home and screaming for his parents. The two had no choice but to run after him. Harry had been thinking Itachi would kill him if anything happened to his brother when they saw Sasuke collapse. And then they'd seen why…

* * *

From that day on, Sasuke lived with the Uzumakis, although that fact wasn't generally well known. They never mentioned Itachi around the apartment again. Harry went through the place the same night they took Sasuke there to recuperate and removed every picture or item that had a link with Itachi.

They treated Sasuke as family, and took care of him during those first few days he was almost catatonic. Although many families where willing to take care of the Uchiha - even the Hyuugas at one point, but only as a Branch House member- Harry and Naruto fought tooth and nail- in some cases, literally- to be allowed to take him in. He doesn't know anyone else, they argued, not like he knows us. The Hokage, sympathetic to their argument, and thinking that it would be best to let Sasuke grow up with those who would best understand his situation, eventually agreed.

Eventually, things settled down, and most people forgot the circumstances that led to Sasuke Uchiha living with the Uzumakis. Or, indeed, that there _were_ circumstances. Sasuke, predictably, was never the quite same again.

Harry did his best to see that his newest 'little brother' wouldn't sink into depression, the way he'd heard people tended to when faced with something like this. After a lot of trying and pranks- none of which involved pancake syrup, which was never seen again in that apartment- Harry and Naruto finally got Sasuke to smile again, but the best they could do was to get him to do it in private. To the rest of the world, Sasuke was a block of ice.

Then, one day, when things had finally taken a semblance of normalcy, that weird letter came…

* * *

**- To be continued...**

* * *

A/N: Yes, it's been done to Death, but hey, it's better than another 'blank gets sent to blank's dimension, where blank becomes a blank, and helps kill/overthrow the evil snake, blank'. The fic by **Sangelide** I read _really_ emphasized the parallels between **_Naruto_** and **_Harry Potter_**. Seriously, a snake-themed villain who uses cursed marks to control his followers, has a thing for immortality, likes to wear dresses, and is after some good-looking kid with dark hair, messed-up childhood, and is totally clueless about girls? Disturbing…

Sorry it's mostly tell and little show, but that's how it seems to be for my pilot fics. More stuff next time.

In book one, Hagrid explicitly mentions the wreckage of the Potter's house.

Jiraiya, James and Lily met some time when they were younger. I'll try to explain in the next chap.

I'm one of those that think the Yondaime and Naruto are somehow related. It could be Naruto is the reincarnation of the Yondaime, seeing as how in some sources, it says his soul I trapped with Kyuubi's in the Sealing, but right now, I'll stick with the 'orphaned at birth' explanation. Easier that way, and gives me less of a headache, plus it does away with those annoying 'past life memories'.

As for the last name 'Uzumaki', I read somewhere that, given all the spirals around Naruto (the Konoha _hitae-ate_, etc) it's not unlikely that 'Uzumaki' is a general last name given to orphans, like John Doe, or something. The reason there aren't more Uzumakis in Konoha is the name became taboo after it was given to Naruto…

Hey, if _you_ had to take care of a little brother in a village that hates his guts, you'd mature too! Harry's also a _tad_ overprotective, but only up to a point.

It's _my_ version of Itachi, so I can do whatever I want with him. So there!

Branch House Hyuuga Sasuke. Wouldn't _that_ mess him up even more!

Please review, C&C welcome. Just no Amaterasus, _please_. I don't think I'd survive. Oh, and no asking for me to update soon, because I will anyway. There are _so_ many more things you could fill the reviews with.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Philosopher’s Stone, Genin Remix Part 1

A/N: See? I told you I'd update…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: Philosopher's Stone, Genin Remix Part 1!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Naruto both don't belong to me. As for the title, I like "Philosopher's Stone" better than "Sorcerer's Stone". The only reason for the title change was because they didn't think the residents of NA knew what the "Philosopher's Stone" was!

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Harry took a deep breath, let it out slowly. He focused completely on what he was supposed to do. Or tried to, anyway. Excitement kept trying to worm it's way in. Unconsciously, he when through the concentration exercises He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had taught him a long time ago, and which he had never really managed to stop using. Deciding to get this over with before he lost what concentration he had to anger– he'd mellowed out over the years, no longer getting mad for his little brothers so easily, but he still had a temper he kept well-concealed– he formed his hands into the single seal he was supposed to be using– instead of the usual three plus seals it was usually supposed to take– and performed the simple _jutsu_. "_Bunshin no jutsu_!"

A 'poof' of smoke, and five illusory Harry's stood around him, their hands forming the same seal he was. He waited.

Iruka gave a satisfied nod, as did the other teacher next to him, and they both made a mark on the clipboards they were holding. "Excellent, Harry-kun. You may take your _hitae-ate_."

Grinning, Harry plucked a forehead protector from the orderly rows on the table in front of him, and tied it around his head. "Awright! It'll be party time at the Uzumaki house tonight!"

Iruka chuckled at Harry's antics, and the other instructor rolled her eyes. "Get going, Uzumaki! There are others waiting to take this test, you know!"

Laughing, Harry waved good-bye to his favorite teacher as he made his way out of the room. At last! At long last, the forehead protector of the Leaf Nin was his! He hadn't been kidding. There _would_ be a party at the Uzumaki house that night!

Planning to stop by Ichiraku's later for the celebratory ramen, Harry paused as he passed a polished window. Something about his reflection bugged him before he realized his new prize was covering his scar. Well, that wouldn't do. After a little tugging, Harry nudged his protector so that it was slightly skewed, such that the right side lifted up and the left side dipped down to reveal his distinctive lightning bolt-shaped cut. There, much better. Things just didn't feel right if he couldn't rub his scar.

Nodding to himself, Harry didn't quite skip out of the Academy, but he really felt like it. At last, he was a ninja, one step closer to his dream. Granted, Sasuke and Naruto would still need to become nins and join him, but it was a start.

Taking a cursory glance at the Hokage Monument to make sure he wouldn't need to bail anyone out of the Hokage's office again- although if he did, he might be able to ask grandpa Hokage if he wanted to join the party- he headed for Ichiraku's for the food.

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Knocking on the door of their apartment, Harry yelled, "I'm home! This door better not be booby-trapped, 'cause I've got ramen out here!"

Through the door, he heard an 'eep' followed by the sounds of commotion as Sasuke and Naruto, who he knew had gotten home before he did, disabled any traps they'd set up. Smirking, he waited for the door to be opened from the inside. He knew that as long as he was carrying food, he was safe. "Any mail, Naru-bozu?"

His little brother gave him the evil eye for using that particular nickname, but decided to let it pass as he glimpsed the extra-large miso ramen Harry had brought home. "Yeah, they're right behind you," he said, sounding as if in a trance as Sasuke rolled his eyes and started to unload the food.

Turning, Harry sorted through the pile. Bills, already paid; Harry's last welfare-check from the orphanage that should have arrived weeks ago; a check for Naruto that should have arrived _months_ ago; Sasuke's check, right on time as usual; a thick manila envelope from Jiraiya that Harry set aside to proofread later; a letter from the Academy, probably containing things about Naruto's 'unacceptable behavior' that Harry crumpled and put straight in the trash; a box that Harry also set aside to be opened later; bills, bills, more bills, most paid, or in processing; an offer to subscribe to a hentai magazine that Harry carefully tucked away; a slightly belated Birthday card from Iruka, which was even more welcome than the check; some legal paperwork for Sasuke that Harry also tucked away; a prank items catalogue Harry set aside for Naruto and Sasuke; a thick parchment envelope bearing a crest and a wax seal, addressed in English to Mr. H. Potter; one of the 'research materials' Jiraiya kept having sent to their house for when he visited; a…

Blinking, Harry went back to the last one, then flipped that over for the one before. The words were in English, but Harry had no trouble reading that. It was one of the few things their come-and-go guardian had taught him, reading, writing and speaking in English. The old pervert had never really explained why, but he'd insisted Harry learn, even going so far as to conduct all written correspondence with Harry in English, as well as sending him some English books from wherever he was. Harry had never really gotten the point of learning the language, which he wasn't entirely sure wasn't made up, until Jiraiya had told him to think of it as a secret code. After that, he'd learned it quickly, and had even taught Naruto and Sasuke.

The envelope he held in his hands wasn't from Jiraiya, however. For one thing, the old self-proclaimed 'hermit' didn't use green ink in his writings. For another, even though a part of the address on the envelope was correct, there wasn't any Mr. H. Potter around. Harry was sure of that. Of course, he could be wrong. But who'd write in English? As far as Harry knew, only he, Naruto, Sasuke, Jiraiya, and the Hokage knew how understand the thing.

Shrugging, Harry put it out of his mind, resolving to ask the Hokage about it tomorrow when he came to brag about his new _hitae-ate_. "Come on you two, let's eat!"

As he sat down at the table, Harry heard something crack beneath him, followed by a wet sensation on the seat of his pants. His eyes narrowed at the two younger boys in front of him, both of whom looked rather amused with themselves. "But first…" he growled threateningly as he stood up from the remains of an egg on his seat, and Naruto gave a loud laugh and ran for it, closely followed by Sasuke, who wore a satisfied smirk. Harry gave chase as the three ran around the apartment, yelling wildly for the heck of it…

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The next day, Harry made for the Hokage's tower as planned, although he was slightly delayed when he woke butt-naked and freezing on the other side of town. _Somehow_, he'd managed to get back home without being spotted and gotten dressed. Lucky for Naruto and Sasuke, they weren't home, although Harry was glad he'd had the foresight to put a time-release stink bomb in the pockets of their clothes last night. And it just _happened_ to be Naruto's turn to do the laundry too.

Snickering evilly to himself, thankfully not sounding as silly as Jiraiya did, Harry made his way to the 'Kage tower, waving a casual greeting to Yuki and Miko, the two nin who were always posted on during the morning shift. They waved back just as casually, used to seeing him coming in at odd hours for something his brothers or he did, and privately wondering who'd done what this time.

Breezing past Touya, the secretary nin who manned the desk in the Hokage's anteroom, who just waved him in, Harry took a moment to steady himself to meet the most powerful ninja of the village.

Raising his fist, he pounded- loudly- on the thick wooden door. "YO! OLD MAN! GOT A MINUTE?"

Without waiting for a response, Harry opened the door and let himself into the office of the 'god of the shinobi'.

Who looked like he was about to be buried alive by the piles of paperwork on his desk.

The Hokage glared at him- barely- over the stacks. "Alright, what are you in for this time?"

Harry snorted. "Check out the forehead protector, old man! I passed!"

The Hokage cracked a smile. "Well, good for you! Although I expected you to still be on the other side of town in your skin."

"You knew about that?" Harry yelled, pointing at the Hokage.

The Hokage grinned. "No, but I remember you three did the same thing to…"

He trailed off, and for a moment, an uncomfortable silence set in.

"Oh yeah!" Harry said, reaching into his pouch and pulling out a slightly battered letter. "You know anyone else in the village who knows how to understand English?"

The hokage raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

Harry showed him the letter. "Cause I got this in the mail yesterday, but its gotta be a mistake, 'cause there's no 'Potter' at our place."

The Hokage blinked. "May I see that?" he said, reaching for the envelope. Shrugging, Harry handed it to him, then moseyed on over to the glass display case containing the scroll full of forbidden techniques while the Hokage scrutinized the envelope. Nonchalantly, Harry opened the case.

"PUT THAT BACK!" the Hokage yelled, not looking at him.

Grumbling, Harry sighed and returned the scroll into it's place, grumbling under his breath about how he was going to read it one of these days.

"That's never going to happen, Uzumaki," the Hokage said, a knowing smirk on his face. "Those techniques are forbidden for a reason."

Harry tilted his head, his lip curled to one side. "Then why are some of the _jutsus_ in it still around?"

The Hokage was too old to try to pull the innocent look. Still, he gave it a shot. "Well, it's a sensei's prerogative what to teach his students. Even if it _is_ a _kinjutsu_. "

"Hypocrite!" Harry sniffed.

The Hokage laughed. "Well, do you mind if I keep this? I can't be sure just yet, but I think I know who this letter is supposed to go through."

Harry sniffed again, and made his way towards the door. "Well, when you find the lazy (BLEEP), tell him to get a (BLEEP)-ing change of address form at the (BLEEP)-ing post office!"

"I'll tell him," the Hokage said, and Harry was out the door.

Only when he was sure that the door was shut tight did the Hokage allow himself to laugh like a maniac. It was a good fifteen minutes before he got himself under control, and he was fairly sure he'd either extended his life by ten more years- laughter being so good for you- or was setting himself up to die tomorrow of a heart attack.

Finally, after getting things under control, he dragged himself to his desk and wrote a single pre-chosen line, rolled it up, and summoned a chuunin to have it sent out to the messenger birds to find Jiraiya. They weren't owls, but they did the trick. When that was done, he took out a blank piece of parchment, a special color-changing pot of ink, a luxury eagle-feather quill, and took a moment to think of what he was going to write. It had to be well thought out, concise, clear, and above all, respectful.

The Hokage gave it some thought, and grinned.

NOT!

Whistling pleasantly to himself, something he didn't do often in his office, he loaded the quill with ink, and started writing, saying the words to himself out loud. "'Hey, you barmy old coot'…"he began

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Jiraiya glared death at the messenger bird in front of him. Tsunade had gotten at the danged things somehow, he just _knew_ it! How else do you explain all of them managing to blow his cover every time he was doing research? This time had been nearly fatal, as he'd been spying on some Suna kunoichi at the time. Normally, he tried not to 'research' on kunoichi (not _too_ hard, though) unless it was on a case-to-case basis (read: one on one in his room), but these particular ones had been too good- or bad, depending on how you look at it- to pass up. The blonde, who was already showing too much muscle for her age and gender, had been particularly hard to ignore. Jiraiya knew from, ah, _personal_ experience that because of the cold desert nights, Sand nins had to learn to get used to sleeping bundled up together in the field for body warmth. This often resulted in, ah, _open-mindedness_, mainly on the part of the female shinobi, since Suna males are infamous for being fanatically straight. You'd have to be very powerful- so that your coworkers were too afraid to kill you- or very good at keeping secrets to be a gay Sand nin. The same did not apply to their female counterparts.

Anyway, back to the kunoichi.

Jiraiya had noticed the fiercely predatory looks the blonde had been throwing around, and had followed his pervert's instincts by noting the girl and tailing her when she'd gone to the community bath. Suna was located in desert territory, after all, and water was a semi-precious commodity, so there were public 'sweat' baths for people to get cleaned up in, which were basically bathing saunas.

It'd taken a while to find her again, during which he took the time to make some 'notes', although there wasn't much 'workable' (read: perverted enough) material. Then he'd found the girl again, and he knew he'd hit the jackpot. As usual, his pervert senses had led him to a good source of information. He'd found the girl necking with another girl while being sandwiched from behind by another and a third rubbed herself on her thigh. It had been about to break out into a full-blown orgy (by his standards, anything that didn't have all participants moaning yet wasn't full blown) when the _stupid_ messenger bird had somehow appeared and given him away.

It turned out _all_ the girls had been kunoichi, and with the exception of the fierce-eyed blonde, chuunin or higher. He'd barely gotten out, and even then, he wasn't completely undamaged. He had the cuts from that honkin' big fan the blonde had used on him to prove it!

Then, when he'd finally gotten to a safe distance, the danged messenger bird had found him again.

Sighing, he roughly took the message tube it offered, and opened it up to see a short, confusing message. To anyone else, it wouldn't have meant anything, but to Jiraiya, it meant what he'd been waiting for years for had finally happened. He was on his way back to Konoha inside of fifteen minutes, and wasn't diverted by a single opportunity to peek at a woman for a good twelve hours. Still even as he rushed home, he made a mental not to look for that blonde again next time he was around Suna. No _way_ was he going to let another opportunity like that pass!

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Harry let out a sigh of relief when he opened the door to his family's apartment. He had a free day today, before he was assigned to his genin team tomorrow, and he planned to use it to do something relaxing. No working on the fire _jutsus_ Ita- _Sasuke_ had taught him, not weapons practice, no going door to door looking for whoever had been stupid enough to hurt his brothers (come to think of it, he hadn't needed to do that in quite a while), nothing but sitting in his favorite corner and working on the draft his uncle had sent him.

Passing a bookshelf loaded with paperback editions, hardcover editions, gold, silver and platinum editions, hardcover gold, silver and platinum editions, and special Braille and English editions of the 'Icha Icha ' series without so much as batting an eyelash, Harry breeze over to the kitchen counter and opened the thick manila envelope he'd set aside last night. It contained a thick manuscript full of neat lettering. Grabbing a pen, Harry settled down to start proofreading. Jiraiya might be able to summon giant frogs, beat nearly anyone in his path, and make the most perverted stories in the history of the Hidden Countries, but if there was one thing the man didn't know how to do, it was to write in a grammatically correct fashion.

He'd barely done three percent of the manuscript when the sound of the door to the apartment opening entered the kitchen followed closely by an _awful_ stench that had Harry wrinkling his nose and smiling at the same time.

"How was your day?" he said sweetly as a PO-ed Naruto and a smirking Sasuke walked in for lunch. Sasuke was carrying their lunch ramen, since he probably didn't trust the stink clinging to Naruto not to infect it.

Naruto replied with a string of curses Harry had taught him when he was younger.

"I love you too," Harry said dryly as Naruto took a breath. Sasuke snickered as he set the bowls on the table, mindful of the papers Harry had strewn. Harry carefully put them away so they wouldn't get wet, either from the ramen, or all the spittle Naruto was flinging around.

Naruto glared at his younger dark-haired brother. "It's not funny! Those stupid bombs went off when I was talking to Sakura! Now she's probably never going to talk to me, ever!"

"You slipped him your bombs?" Harry asked Sasuke, eyebrow raised, and Sasuke replied with the wide, toothy prank smile he only displayed in private. "Good boy."

Naruto fake-sniffled. "Go ahead, pick on the shorter guy! Y-yo-you big bullies!"

Harry smirked. "Try again, Naru-bozu. I can see that frog in your pocket."

Naruto sighed, tears disappearing like they were never there. "Well, it was forth a shot," he said cheerily, and pulled out the frog he'd gotten from who-knows-where and tossed it out the open window.

"The landlord is going to have a fit when he finds another frog in the swimming pool," Sasuke said dryly.

The other two Uzumakis grinned widely. "Good!" they chorused.

"Alright, let's eat!" Naruto said, about to sit at his usual spot at the table.

"Naruto," Harry said.

"Hm?"

"Take a bath first."

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Later that night, the Uzumaki house was unusually tranquil. Harry was proofreading, Sasuke was going through a paperback of "Icha Icha Paradise" like it was a children's book with a contented look on his face, and Naruto was watching one of his anime's. Something about a teenaged wizard called to gather up a magical deck of cards that had gotten loose in his school.

None realized the chain of events that the letter had started, but then, none knew. Certainly, it wasn't going to stay that way, but _they_ didn't know that.

Harry's eyes were staring to droop as he made yet another correction to the piece of paper in front of him when Sasuke suddenly said, "You think I could write one of these?"

"Huh?" Harry said, looking up. Naruto had fallen asleep a while ago and was snoring gently on the sofa, the TV flashing lights over his face, and Sasuke had his book resting on his chest, without the telltale flush even the most 'experienced' men had when reading those books. "Why do you ask, Sasuke-chan?"

Sasuke scowled slightly. He hated that nickname as much as Naruto hated 'Naru-bozu', but he really wasn't in the mood to argue it. "I was just thinking, maybe I could write something like this and make money like uncle Jiraiya too."

Harry raised a heavy eyebrow. "Aren't you a bit young to be considering possible suicide?"

_That_ caused Sasuke to blush. "I didn't mean write things like this! I meant just writing, period. Do you think I could do it?"

"Of course! You're an Uzumaki!" Harry said proudly. "We can do anything!"

Sasuke blushed slightly at the praise. Despite what his public persona- or what he called the 'Uchiha Act', one of the few references he made to his birth family- would have people believe, Sasuke was really a very shy boy who didn't do well in crowds. That was mainly why he did the 'ice prince' act. Naruto did what he could by being loud and obnoxious to draw attention to himself and away from his brother, but some girls were already deciding that the 'aloof loner' bit was 'pretty cool'.

"You really think so? Because I was thinking of writing it and maybe have uncle Jiraiya shop it around for me."

"Well, that could work," Harry agreed. "What did you have in mind?"

Shuffling nervously, Sasuke lowered his voice, as if he were afraid someone were listening, and told him.

"Hmm," Harry mused out loud. "I think I remember a publisher that rejected uncle Jiraiya who did that sort of stuff. They might have accepted him if he'd only agreed to rewrite some scenes, but that's Ero-sannin. I'll check the files and see."

"Thanks, onii-chan," Sasuke said. With a sigh, Sasuke stood up and returned the 'Icha Icha' book, his place carefully book marked, back to it's place in the shelf, waking up Naruto when he stepped in front of the TV.

"Wuh?" the blond said, raising his head.

"Time for bed, bro," Sasuke said gently as he helped the other boy to his feet. Eyes closed, Naruto followed Sasuke to the bedroom, which now had three separate but close-together beds. All three still had nightmares sometimes, and having the others close was the only thing that helped.

Yawning, Harry decided to turn in as well. Marking where he'd stopped, he carefully checked the locks and tidied some things out of reflex before retiring himself, unaware of the chaos he was causing just by existing.

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Elsewhere in the world, Albus Dumbledore read a letter from a friend he hadn't heard from in quite a while, laughed at the opening greeting, and promptly fell off his chair when he read the next line.

Rubbing his sore dignity, Dumbledore opted to stay seated on the floor as he read the rest of the letter. After a few minutes of reading, he didn't know how to feel. On the one hand, he felt off the hook. On the over, he was the happiest man alive. A practical part of him was worried he'd get a heart attack from the news. And one of the lesser seen parts of him wondered if the _Crucio_ spell was still legal in the Hidden Countries.

Because he knew he was going to do something _HORRIBLE_ to Sarutobi next time he saw him!

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Harry waited excitedly in his seat, practically squirming as he waited to hear who would be on his genin team with him. It was a little thing, but it would affect him for the rest of his career as a shinobi. Depending on who he was with, he would have to choose which kind of _jutsus_ to specialize in, as well as what kind of a specialization he'd have. If he were put in with, say, someone who was good at _taijutsu_ and someone who was good a _ninjutsu_, he felt he'd have to specialize in _genjutsu_ just to even out the group. At least, that's what his uncle had told him, and while Harry usually took what Jiraiya said with a truckload of salt, when it came to nin stuff, the man gave good advice. He trained a Hokage, after all! That was why he'd advised Harry not to specialize yet, so despite his proficiency in a few slightly advanced fire _jutsu_, Harry really wasn't that set in his style yet. His _taijutsu_ grades came mostly from enthusiasm to beat the pulp out of his opponent, who'd probably done something to Naruto at one point or another, rather than actual skill. Someone had actually called him a natural Inuzuka once.

As the class roll was called, however, and Harry's name still wasn't called, Harry started getting a little nervous. It was only when Iruka put away his clipboard without calling his name that Harry felt dread wrap itself around his heart.

"HEY!" he yelled just as everyone was starting to file out. "WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The genin who were still in the room snickered. Harry, annoyed, didn't bother with seals- he could do the _jutsu_ in his sleep, just like his brothers- and spat a couple of fire balls in their direction.

Iruka looked on with annoyance from where he was gathering his paperwork. "None of that, Harry-kun! You're supposed to see the Hokage. I just got a memo saying you're not to be put in a team until then."

The same fire Harry had just spat out was suddenly in his eyes. "**_THE OLD MAN IS DEAD MEAT!_**"

Harry was probably one of the few people in Konoha allowed to say that without being put under ANBU surveillance.

When he entered the 'Kage Tower, Yuki and Miko leaned back slightly as they felt the killer intent rolling off Harry in waves the size of tsunami.

"What do you think the 'Kage told him now?" Yuki asked her mouse-masked companion.

Miko shrugged. "Whatever it is, I just hope we don't get caught in whatever prank he's going to set up to get back at the old man."

The two shuddered as they recalled the time the Uzumakis _somehow_ managed to fill the 'Kage's office with cockroaches. Kunoichi and Elite ANBU they may be, but they had their limits.

The Hokage didn't look up as his door was blasted off it's hinges by a couple of well-placed fire-balls. He knew Touya was already contacting the maintenance team. "Something I can do for you, Harry-kun?"

Harry pointed at him. "WHY THE (**BLEEP**) DID YOU TELL Iruka not to put me on a (**BLEEP**)-INGGENIN TEAM?"

The Hokage coughed, looking amused, and discretely pointed to the other occupant of the room. Harry looked.

And blinked. "Hey, when'd _you_ get back in town?"

Jiraiya grinned, which really didn't help with the bags under his eyes. "Just this morning. I _ran_ from Suna to here when I heard the news."

Blink again. "You ran all the way just cause you heard I made genin?"

It was Jiraiya's turn to blink. He turned to his old teacher. "You haven't told him yet?"

The old man grinned, something that _really_ creeped Harry out. Old geezers should _not_ have their mouths open that wide. "Did _you_ want to miss the look on his face when he heard?"

Harry growled. "Someone tell me what's going on or I'll stop being your editor, Jiraiya!"

Both men paled at this. Harry was the only reason Jiraiya could get published. No other editor could go through his books without suffering from massive blood loss, and a blood replenishing pill a page was too expensive just to edit a book.

Jiraiya took a deep breath. "Harry, I believe it's time I let you in on a little secret."

"Naruto is the host of the Kyuubi?" Harry said dryly.

The two face-faulted. "You know about that?" Jiraiya yelled.

Harry sniffed. "I found out when I got wondering why people have it in for Naruto. He knows too. So does Sasuke. Oh, and don't worry. We know the laws. Don't talk about Kyuubi, yadda yadda yadda."

The Hokage raised his head. "Uh, that wasn't exactly the secret we meant, but we'll talk about that later."

Harry rolled his eyes. "So, what's the secret?"

"Well, let's start with your birth name," Jiraiya said.

Harry blinked. "My birth name?" It was something he hadn't thought about in a really long time. He didn't really care about it. In his mind, he was Uzumaki Harry through and through. "What about it?"

The Hokage smiled. "Your birth name is actually Harry Potter. English convention. So the letter you got was actually for you."

"Well, in that case, hand it over," Harry said, holding out his hand.

Jiraiya shook his head. "Before we do, there are a couple of things you should know about…"

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A lot later, Harry found himself sitting on the floor, dazed by all the info he'd received. His real parents. Another world, beyond the Hidden Countries. Some weirdo named Voldemort. The fact he was being asked to go to some school to study magic for the next seven years. It was all too much. Frantically, he looked at the opened letter he held in his hands, focusing on that. "No."

The other two looked at him. "'No', what?" Jiraiya said.

"I'm not going!" Harry declared as his mind simplified what he had to do. "I can't leave Naruto and Sasuke for seven years! Who's going to take care of them? What if something happens when I'm gone? Who's going to make sure that they're fed? Heck, the (BLEEP)-ing orphanage doesn't even send Naruto's checks on time! I need to be here to do missions so they'll have something to eat!"

The two looked surprised. "Harry, being a wizard means you'll get a chance to do things shinobi can only _dream_ about."

"I don't care!" Harry said. "I have to be here to take care of my brothers! Who's going to protect them from all the idiots who can't see past the-"

"SSSHH!" Jiraiya hissed, and Harry glared at him.

"-IT!" Harry finished.

"I'll take care of them!" Jiraiya said. Harry gave him a level stare he'd picked up from his days at the Uchiha compound. "Okay, okay, stop looking at me like that!"

The Hokage sighed. "At least think on it, Harry-kun," the old man said as Harry made to leave. "Think about it this way: being a wizard will make you even more capable of protecting your brothers. Think about it."

Harry scowled. There goes his simplification.

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"Do it," Naruto and Sasuke chorused.

Harry glared at them. "Haven't you been listening? I probably won't be back for seven years! Who knows if they'll let me come back home!"

"So?" Naruto said as he slurped his ramen. "Do it!"

Sasuke nodded. "You shouldn't pass this up just because of us, onii-chan. By the time you think we can take care of ourselves, they probably won't take you in anymore."

"Besides," Naruto said, "we'll be genin too in a few years, so we'll be able to take care of ourselves!"

"What about 'til then?" Harry challenged. Sasuke shrugged.

"My check always comes on time, and the way Naruto's is always late, we'll still have something to live off when it stops coming. If need be, we can draw on the Uchiha Clan's resources," here Sasuke frowned slightly, "but only if we have to."

"DO IT!" Naruto said.

They talked long into the night.

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Harry wasn't sure how, but the next day found himself at the Hokage Tower once more.

"Fine, I'll do it," he told the Hokage and Jiraiya. "But only because my brothers told me to!"

The Hokage nodded. "Your ninja license will be temporarily suspended so you do not become missing-nin, and I'll see to Naruto and Sasuke."

"You'd better," Harry growled, leaning over the desk, fire and promises of fire in his eyes. The Hokage remembered Harry could do some fire _jutsus_ without making the seals and tried not to back away.

"Jiraiya here will take you to buy the things you need," the Hokage said, sighing in relief as Harry leaned back.

"Where are we going to buy that stuff?" Harry said. "I don't think they'd be easy to find around here."

At this, Jiraiya grinned. "Harry-kun, I think it's time to show you what the world _really_ looks like."

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The Hidden Countries. A seemingly innocuous name for one of the greatest feats ever made. A long time ago, someone had the bright idea of training an army in secret. A large force of highly trained fighters were asked to choose an ideal spot to train, and when they did, the same bright soul had a bunch of magic-users put the most powerful concealment spell in the history of the world on it.

Sadly, the magic-users were killed by the spell (it was successful, if you cared to know), and managed to kill the person whose bright idea it was.

Trying to hide a couple of large islands and some smaller ones in the pacific would do that.

The soldiers and much larger group of camp followers with them, not knowing how to get out, decide to cut their losses and just live there. They had a couple of 'disagreements' (read: minor battles) to decide who lived where, and pretty much lived peacefully.

Then someone decided to dump the more powerful demons of the world on them, the ones too powerful to be exterminated. Some of the demons decided to cut their losses as well and settle down after they had a couple of rampages. Some didn't, and had to be sealed away by the residents, who had developed esoteric means of fighting, having managed to utilize an energy source similar to magic some time during their last few wars.

Eventually, they managed to find a way out of what had become known as the Hidden Countries, but after the initial reports of those who returned, they decided they'd rather stay put. These days, the only ones who left were those who were assigned to look for new technology, such as speakers, communicators, food preservation methods, medicine, etc. Some enterprising individuals import entertainment from outside, such as anime and manga. The current fad was about a teenaged wizard as he tried to et through school while being plagued by misadventures.

Still, generally, few people in or out of the Hidden Countries knew about in or out of it. It wasn't really important, after all…

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Harry tried to get his stomach to settle down as their boat passed back into the Hidden Countries. Next to him, Jiraiya looked slightly green himself, literally instead of figuratively this time.

"I'll never get used to that," the sannin muttered.

Harry had just gone through the weirdest trip he'd ever had in his life. People had stared at him, and a lot had screamed or fainted when they saw his scar. Really, what was the big deal? It was just a cut on his skin! Despite all that, they'd managed to get all the stuff they needed from some place called Diagon Alley (only Harry seemed to get the pun), and Harry had taken the liberty of getting some money from the vault that was supposedly his so that his brothers would have something to live off until the next check.

"So I'll be using one of those Portkey things to get to my new school?" Harry said. Jiraiya nodded, not trusting himself to open his mouth. "Good. I don't want to have to do _that_-" he jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the general direction of the barrier "-again."

"You get used to it," their boat's driver said. "In about a year or so."

The two nin groaned.

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Time passed, and soon, it was September.

Harry sighed sadly as he double checked his trunk. Next to him, the owl Jiraiya had gotten him for his birthday hooted balefully sensing his mood. Securing his hip and thigh pouches, he dragged everything towards the main living area of the apartment, where Naruto, Sasuke and Jiraiya were waiting for the Hokage to arrive with the Portkey.

"Don't worry, Harry, they'll let you come home in the summer," Jiraiya said, trying to reassure him.

Harry growled. "They'd better."

Jiraiya rolled his eyes and the other two sighed at their older brother's overprotective streak.

"By the way, I have something for you," Jiraiya said. Going into the kitchen, he came out carrying a box almost bigger than Harry's trunk. He set it down next to said trunk as the boys sweatdropped.

"What's this?" Sasuke asked, poking it.

"Manuscripts!" Jiraiya said proudly.

Naruto raised his eyebrow. "'Icha Icha' manuscripts?" he said in distaste. He was the only one in the house who was offended by Jiraiya's perverted works, meaning he'd make a big fuss about it then grab one off the shelf and settle down to read, muttering about what kind of perverted people would by that kind of trash.

"Yup," Jiraiya said. "Enough to keep Harry-kun occupied for a whole year!"

Harry considered the box in front of him. "Jiraiya, how many manuscripts do you have ready to be edited?"

"A couple of hundred, and more every week!" the frog hermit said. "They'll be printing new volumes of this baby long after I'm dead!"

The boys were spared having to answer that when the door opened and the Hokage stepped in. "Ready to go?"

Harry nodded, suddenly nervous.

The Hokage took out a plastic hoop from somewhere in his robes. "This will active in a few minutes. Make sure you're touching everything you need to bring."

That was a bit of a problem, but eventually, Harry had Hedwig's cage on his head, the trunk's handle looped over one arm and the box under the other, to much laughter from Naruto and Sasuke.

"You guys write, okay?" Harry said, before the Hokage stuck the hoop in his mouth, since there was nowhere else to go. More laughter.

"Don't WORRY, onii-chan," Naruto said, noogying the dark-haired boy next to him who wasn't piled down with stuff. "I'll take care of pwecious wittle Sasuke."

Sasuke glared at the blond. "And I'll make sure Naruto takes the fall for everything."

"HEY!"

Harry almost laughed the hoop out of his mouth when there was a sudden jerk from behind his belly button. In a blink, he was gone.

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Platform nine and three quarters was suddenly turning blue with unfamiliar cursing as the boy who'd suddenly dropped out of thin air gathered his things, along with an indignant owl, and forcibly pushed his things towards the red train, as there were no carts handy. Many mother frowned at the blue-streak the boy was chugging out, and their children tried to understand a few. It was all in some strange language, however, so they didn't get a thing. Only the mothers seemed to get it, but that could be because mothers had a special sense that allowed them to detect profanity a mile away.

Harry was thankful for all the _taijutsu_ training he'd gone through as he pushed his stuff. Any shinobi could tell just by looking at his aerodynamic frame he was fast, but they'd be surprised to learn he was also strong. Granted, not insanely strong the way some nins became, but he wasn't going to need help opening a stubborn pickle jar, either. Taking a break, he wiped the sweat off his brow, not bothering to hike up his _hitae-ate_, which had fallen over his scar.

"Need help?" someone asked him in English. Harry turned to see two identical twins.

"Please," he said, and together, the three of them managed to wrest his things into the train.

"Thanks," he said when they were done.

"No problem," one said. "By the way, I'm Fred, and he's George. If you need any help getting around, just ask."

Harry nodded, taking note of their chakra so he could tell which was which. "Wait," he said as the two made to turn away. Opening his trunk, he took out two English editions of 'Icha Icha Paradise' Jiraiya had given him to pass around his school, saying he was planning to expand outside the Hidden Countries and wanted to see how they'd be taken. He gave them to the two boys, who looked at the books curiously. "A little gift to remember me by."

"Thanks," the one called Fred said as his brother continued to scrutinize the books. He tapped his forehead. "Nice."

Grinning, Harry straightened out his protector, if not into quite the way he wore it. "Thanks," he said, and the two left.

Sighing, Harry settled back into his seat and took out his personal copy of 'Paradise', opening it to the book mark.

Eventually, the train started up, and soon, they were whizzing along. A little while later, someone opened the door. "Anyone sittinghere?" a red-headed boy who looked like he could be related to the two Harry had met earlier asked.

Harry shook his head, putting away his book as the boy sat down. This boy was the first person he'd seen who was his age, or at least close enough for jazz. Before he could say anything, however, said twins were back.

"Hey, Ron. Listen, we're going down the middle of the train– Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there," Fred said.

"Right," the boy named Ron said.

"Oh, thanks for the books, but I think you gave us the wrong kind. They were a little, um-" George said, but Harry shook his head.

"No, those are the right books. Read through them and tell me what you think, okay?" he said.

The two boys blushed. "Um, we didn't get your name a while ago."

'Uzumaki Harry' was on the tip of Harry's tongue when he remembered how he was supposed to introduce himself. "Harry Potter," he said.

The hush that followed was completely expected. The three stared at him like he'd grown a second head. Wordlessly, he straightened out his _hitae-ate_ in the slanted fashion he wore it in, revealing his scar.

The twins didn't leave after that.

Instead, they sat down on either side of Ron. "Whoa," Fred said. "It's really you! I mean, the Daily Prophet said- that's a newspaper- reported you were alive, but we thought-"

"- it'd been slipped in as a prank. After all, he's- I mean, you've- been dead- supposed to be dead- for years!"

"Ever since you killed You-Know-Who," Ron said.

Harry blinked. For a moment, he thought they were talking about Ita- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. "Um, who? Are you talking about Voldemort?"

The three flinched at the name. Harry decided to change the subject, since he figured that Voldemort was taboo territory, like the Kyuubi and… like the Kyuubi.

"So the three of you are brothers?" he said.

At this, the twins smiled wide. Ron groaned as the two put their arms around his shoulders.

"I'll take that as a yes," Harry said dryly. "Who does the pranks?"

The twins grinned again, causing Harry to laugh. "You two remind me of my brothers back home."

"You have brothers?" Ron said.

Harry nodded enthusiastically, now on the one subject he could wax poetic on. "Yup! Naruto and Sasuke. They're back home with my uncle Jiraiya."

"You have an uncle?" Fred said.

"He's just our guardian, really, but we call the old pervert uncle anyway," Harry said.

"Old pervert?" George repeated.

"Yeah. He's the one who wrote those books I gave you."

Things kind of took off from there.

----------------------------------------

After the rather bossy girl and the toadless boy left, the four occupants of the compartment were talking about Quidditch- the three redheads were telling Harry what a great sport it was- when three boys entered the compartment.

"They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment," the blond boy in the lead said. "So it's you, is it?"

"Yeah," Harry said easily, but his senses had gone on alert the minute the boy had walked in unannounced and had stayed alert when the three around him had tensed up. "Who're you?"

"Malfoy. Draco Malfoy," the boy said. "And these two are Crabbe and Goyle."

Something about the boy reminded Harry of the Hyuugas he'd seen walking around Konoha, with their noses in the air and not bothering to apologize to people they bumped into along the way. He disliked him instantly.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, now bye," Harry said, waving. The Weasleys snickered.

At this, the boy's eyes darkened. Yup, definitely Hyuuga-like. "Careful, Potter. Unless you're politer, you'll go the same way as your parents."

"Noted," Harry said. "Now (BLEEP) off, (BLEEP)!"

As the Weasleys stared at Harry, jaws slack, Malfoy went red.

"We don't feel like leaving, do we, boy-" that was as far as Malfoy got, since he suddenly found Harry holding a _kunai _to his throat. Crabbe and Goyle lunged at him, but he parried them away with a kick each.

"Must I insist?" Harry said. Not waiting for an answer, he shoved the suddenly pale boy out the door, causing him to fall in a heap, followed by the other two boys, who fell on top of him.

Smirking, Harry shut the door and holstered the _kunai_ back onto his thigh with a flourish.

Grinning, the twins applauded and Harry mock-bowed in their direction. "Wicked!"

"Whoa," Ron said.

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: Here, unlike some other (but not all) fics, magic and chakra, although having similar effects in some circumstances, are completely different types of energy. I won't bore you with the theory (I haven't thought of one yet), but please mention if there are any inconsistencies.

Harry is such a potty mouth here, _neh?_ He wear's his forehead protector the same way Zabuza did, except the metal part is in front, so it shows his scar.

Sasuke's pretty much blocking out the fact he's an Uchiha. You know, because of the trauma and stuff. As to his characterization, I couldn't get the image of Sasuke with a Hinata blush (complete with eyes) out of my mind when I was writing that scene.

I hate Malfoy. 'Nuff said.

For the record, Harry is about two and a half years plus older than Naruto. Around there, anyway. There's a reason for this, trust me. You'll find out in a couple of chaps.

To **Shadowed Rains**: yeah, but the cliffhangers of the unfinished ones are unbearable!

To **dark672**: thank you.

To (**the one who did not leave a name**): nope. He thought he was dead.

To **Ran Hoshino**: Thanks for the comments. I can always expect a review from you.

To **The Red Dragons Order**: I don't know (yet) why Itachi massacred his family, so I'm going by canon. If Kishimoto pops something up, I'll be flexible, since I'm not committing much to Itachi post-massacre yet. Orochimaru _and_ Voldemort are integral to something big I have planned. Just wait for it…

By the way, wich do you think sounds nicer: Orochimort or Voldemorochimaru?

Please review, C&C welcome. Any flames will be used to power my steam-driven flamer-slayer.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Philosopher’s Stone, Genin Remix Part 2

A/N: Looks like Uzumaki won _that_ argument…

And so begins the corruption of Hogwarts... –_evil laugh–_

Since we all know how things turn out, this is going to consist mainly of 'snapshots' of certain key moments. Don't worry **Red Dragon**, not offended. I hate it when people feel they have to redo every year incident by incident too. It's usually those who insist on doing that who don't finish their fics.

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Philosopher's Stone, Genin Remix Part 2!

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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Harry fidgeted as he waited for the school song to end, desperately hoping that they didn't sing it _all_ the time. Judging from the looks of some of the teachers, they were disliking it as much as he did.

When they were finally excused, Harry grabbed the paper bag he'd carried from the train and walked over to the High Table.

"Professor Dumbledore?" Harry said, approaching the guy who looked like the Hokage's great grandfather.

"Yes?" the old man said.

"I have a message from the Hokage," Harry said, ignoring the way the other occupants of the table had stopped what they were doing and listened. Harry cleared his throat. "His message goes: 'Sorry I forgot to tell you about Harry earlier,'" at this, Harry rolled his eyes sarcastically "'I really was planning to when Jiraiya told me,'" Harry sniffed loudly "'but I got lost on the road called life'." At this, Harry muttered, "Yeah, right! Pervert was probably in his closet."

"Is that all Sarutobi said, Harry" Dumbledore said, an eye twitching as he put together Harry's inserts.

"Yeah," Harry said offhandedly, reaching for the paper bag. "Also, Jiraiya asked he to give you and your whole staff free copies of his book."

Taking the special English editions of Icha Icha Paradise, Harry handed one to each teacher, even the greasy looking one that was looking at Harry like he was something he'd scrape off his shoe. Harry replied with his best Uchiha glare. Since he learned from an actual Uchiha, the man flinched away, and Harry smirked.

"Well, I hope you enjoy those. Tell me what you think, okay? My uncle's planning on expanding his books here, and we need a sample audience's opinion," Harry said. With that, he turned and followed the last of the Gryffindors out of the Great Hall.

Dumbledore looked at the book curiously. It seemed interesting. He set aside time to read it later.

Snape, however, was focusing on Harry. "Is that a _knife_ he's twirling around his finger?"

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Harry's days at Hogwarts were very busy. Jiraiya had given him two technique scrolls to work on for that year. Both, according to his note, were things genin learned from their jounin sensei, but since Harry didn't have one, he'd have to learn like this. The scrolls contained info on Tree Climbing and Water Walking.

Everyday, Harry would wake up before the crack of dawn and do three laps around the lake to warm up. Then, he'd work on the Tree Climbing. It was tough work without a spotter to tell him what he was doing wrong, but he eventually got it. After that, he did Water walking, which was tougher, but he managed to learn it eventually. After that, his morning run was _over_ the lake instead of around it.

In his spare time, he either edited manuscripts, read his copies of Icha Icha, snuck into the Forbidden Forest (not too deep, since he got the same vibe from it that he got from the Forest of Death) to do punching and kicking exercises, or passed around copies of Icha Icha Paradise. He pulled _that_ off by giving Percy and the other prefects one each, after which they were off his back forever. He left some in the common room with a little note that asked them to return it, the rest he used to saturate the other Houses.

He received a lot of letters from Sasuke and Naruto, and wrote to them every week at least once. It turned out that Sasuke was starting to have girls stalk him, which either made Naruto laugh his head off or turn green with envy. Jiraiya would write occasionally, asking him how his books seemed to be doing, and asking him if it looked like the place was a good market (and also for some 'research' material, but Harry ignored that. Just because he was the guy's editor didn't mean he'd go _that_ far to get one published.)

Oh, and he also attended classes on magic and other related subjects, but you already know that. It took a while for people to get used to the idea he wasn't dead, but they eventually got it and stopped poking him to see if he was a ghost after he broke three fingers. Eventually, people started calling him the Boy-Who-Lived. Go figure…

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Flying lessons. Harry had been pretty curious about that, although it took him a while to realize why people kept talking about brooms whenever it was mentioned. He'd never heard about flying on a broom before, and made him wonder how wacked out these people were. Really, flying on a broom?

Still, the thought of being able to defy gravity appealed to the young genin, especially since he started being able to hang upside-down from tree branches by the palms of his feet.

When they arrived at the appointed time, Harry ignored the Slytherins that were also there. Malfoy and his goons kept their distance, since it was widely known around the school that Harry was handy with feet, fists, and _kunai_. Strangely, against common sense, since his _kunai_ and _shuriken_ weren't on the list of banned items Filch had put up, he was allowed to keep them.

After Neville's little accident, the Slytherins started at Neville about it.

"Did you see his face, the great lump?" Malfoy said.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Parvati said.

"Ooh, sticking up for Longbottom?" Parkinson said.

"Shut the (BLEEP) up, (BLEEP)" Harry said heatedly. After all the (BLEEP) Naruto had gone through, his tolerance for bullies was below zero. "Or I'm taking back that book you've got in your pocket!" he pointed at the telltale bulge in her robes.

Parkinson drew back, her face paling, and the Slytherins around her looked terrified at the threat. He'd only lent three books to Slytherin House, and since they were all sheltered, deprived, lonely prats, they all wanted a book. A couple of fights had broken out until Harry had insisted they develop some kind of system or else no one would be able to read them. Currently, Parkinson had it for the next two days, and she'd barely started. It was one of the things Harry had over Slytherin House, that and that he somehow knew their Houses password (he knew the passwords of all the Houses, simply by hiding under the _Kakuremino no jutsu_ and listening for them as the other students used them) no matter how much they changed them, so he could carry out his threat at any time.

"Yes, sir," she said, ducking her head several times and sounding frightened. "I won't say it again, I swear!"

Harry ignored the fact he knew she'd be at it again in a day. "Oh, stop that!" he said. He really hated it when people were scared of him. "Stop it, you're embarrassing me!"

"Look!" Malfoy said, picking up Neville's Remembrall. "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's gran sent him."

"Hand it over, blondie," Harry said, holding out his hand.

Malfoy smiled nastily and grabbed the nearest broom. "You want it? Come and get it, Potter!"

Malfoy took to the air, and Harry debated where to hit him with his _shuriken_ that would cause the maximum pain and least blood loss. Deciding against it, Harry leapt at Malfoy, but a lucky dodge allowed the other boy to keep the Remembrall out of Harry's range. Landing at a crouch, ignoring the way people were exclaiming about how he'd just jumped thirty-five feet in the air, Harry was about to jump again when he saw Malfoy was out of his range. Growling, he grabbed the nearest broom, told the Slytherins "That's it, he's not supposed to be lent the book, _ever_!", and flew after him…

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And we all know how Harry became Seeker.

The result of Malfoy's attempt to challenge him to a Wizards duel was just as fun. When Malfoy challenged him, Harry said, at the top of his voice, so that everyone in the Great Hall heard, "ALL RIGHT, MALFOY, I, UZUMAKI-POTTER HARRY, HEREBY ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE OF YOU, DRACO MALFOY, TO A WIZARDS DUEL! AS THE CHALLENGER, STATE THE DATE AND TIME!"

Malfoy paled as everyone turned to look at them, and made to hide in the crowd, but Harry was quicker. He vaulted over Crabbe and Goyle, landing in front of Malfoy. "WELL? YOU CHALLENGED ME, AND NOW YOU'RE JUST BACKING OUT? COME ON, WHEN DO WE RUMBLE?"

Yes, he was still yelling.

"What's going on here?" Professor Dumbledore, followed by Snape and Professor McGonagall, said.

Harry jerked a thumb at Malfoy, then grabbed the back of his robe as he tried to run away. "Malfoy challenged me to a duel, I accepted. Do you have a special room for that here or something?"

"Mr. Potter, kindly unhand Mr. Malfoy," Professor McGonagall said. Harry let go of Malfoy's robes, then stepped on the hem and glued his feet to the floor with chakra to keep Malfoy in place.

"Mr. Potter, I'm afraid dueling is not allowed in this school," Dumbledore said.

"OH, COME ON!" Harry said. "WELL, WHY DID HE EVEN BOTHER CHALLENGING ME?"

Everyone looked at Malfoy. The boy tried to keep his mouth shut. Harry reached for his _kunai_ pouch. Malfoy broke.

"IwantedtogethimintroublebymakinghimgotothetrophyroomsoFilchcouldcatchhimohpleasedon'thurtme!" Malfoy blurted out.

"Slower," Harry growled.

"I wanted to get him in trouble by making him go to the trophy room so Filch could catch him, oh please don't hurt me!" Malfoy repeated.

McGonagall looked at him with disapproval. Dumbledore looked amused. Snape was, as usual, glaring at Harry.

Harry grinned at him. "How are you liking the book, _professor_?"

At this, Snape blushed and stalked away, McGonagall went slightly red, and Dumbledore shifted slightly.

"Ahem," Dumbledore said. "There will be no duel, Mr. Potter. Mr. Malfoy will, however, have to do detention for trying to get a fellow student in trouble."

"(BLEEP)," Harry said easily as he took his foot of the hem of Malfoy's robe. "Oh well. Oh, Malfoy, in case your Housemates didn't tell you, you're not allowed to borrow the book, _ever_!"

"WHAT!"

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And let's not forget, Halloween…

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Harry was feeling crummy that day. He really didn't like how Ron had been talking about the Hermione girl behind her back, and when it turned out it wasn't _quite_ behind her back, he felt even worse. He knew first hand what that kind of talk did to someone, and he _really_ wished he hadn't let Ron go on talking like that.

Idly, he wondered if maybe he should sneak out and visit her in the lavatory she was in to apologize and try to cheer her up, but rejected the idea. He wasn't Jiraiya, going into places where men weren't supposed to be.

When Professor Quirell burst into the room and gasped out about the troll, Harry's first thought had been "What?"

It was only as Harry and Ron were being herded back to their rooms that Harry remembered about Hermione. He and Ron snuck off, saw Snape, heard the troll, and Ron was about to suggest locking it into a room it had gone into when Harry suddenly realized he could feel Hermione's chakra signature in the room with the troll. Ignoring Ron, Harry ran into the room, and took stock of the situation as he had been taught to do, even as Hermione screamed and Ron followed him through the door.

Harry ran at the troll, _kunai_ in hand. He delivered a kick right at the back of the troll's head with enough power to knock out and concuss a grown man, using the force to back-flip away. The troll paused, blinking stupidly, and Harry grabbed a handful of _shuriken_ and threw it at the troll's back, cursing the air blue when they only bounced off.

"Get Hermione!" he yelled at Ron, finally attracting the troll's attention. Ron nodded shakily, running around the troll's back as it turned to face Harry to reach the frightened girl behind it.

Harry ran at the troll again, his wand appearing in one hand as he climbed up the troll's front to kick it in the face again with enough force to numb his leg. The troll howled, and Harry repeated the maneuver using his other leg. Howling louder, it flailed at him clumsily with it's club, which Harry used for leverage to kick at it's face a fourth time, this time with both feet. Twisting in midair, he bounced off a wall and kicked the troll's wrist, causing it to drop the club.

Nodding to himself as he disarmed his target, Harry was about to attack again when the club suddenly lifted up and dropped on the troll's head, knocking it unconscious. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Well, that was pretty anticlimactic," he said, turning to Ron, who still had his wand upraised.

Ron stammered. "Sorry. It was the only thing that came to mind."

Harry nodded as he picked up his _shuriken_. "You alright?" he asked Hermione.

Hermione nodded shakily, staring at the troll. "I-is it- dead?"

Harry approached the troll and knelt down next to it's head. Ignoring the door as it opened, he slit the troll's throat with his _kunai_. "It is now," he said calmly as he wiped his blade on the troll's rags.

"MISTER POTTER!" someone said, and Harry turned towards professors McGonagall, Snape and Quirell, the last of whom seemed about to faint, staring at the blood welling from the troll's neck. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

"Ensuring our safety," Harry said, even though he was feeling slightly sick himself, as memories of the Uchiha massa- _incident_ crossed his mind. "A blow to the head can daze someone, or knock someone out. For seconds or hours, it's anyone's guess. Considering the situation and how outclassed we were, I thought it prudent to make things simple and just kill the thing while it was still down."

His emotionless tone, exactly like how He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named sounded when he had just come from a mission where he had needed to kill, seemed to disturb everyone.

"Why didn't you wait for us?" McGonagall said. "Or better yet, what are you doing here at all? You're supposed to be in your dorms."

"I didn't know you were coming, and if we hadn't gone here, Hermione might have died," Harry said, nodding towards the girl. "She wasn't with us in the Great Hall, and I was afraid the troll might find her. And I was right."

McGonagall opened her mouth again, but Harry stopped her with a glare. "If you're about to take points or something, I really don't give a (BLEEP). A girl's safe because of what I did, and that's all I (BLEEP)-ing care about. Besides, Gryffindors are supposed to be courageous. I wouldn't be much of a Gryffindor if I let people get hurt just because it didn't do something, now would I?"

McGonagall pursed her lips. "The three of you, back to the Tower."

Harry nodded wordlessly, and helped Hermione up, since she still seemed in shock. Silently, the three kids left the adults alone with the dead troll.

After a while, Hermione disengaged from Harry. "You really meant that? You don't care about her taking off points?"

Harry looked at her like she was crazy. "Of course! No number of 'points'," Harry rolled his eyes "is worth a human life. Especially not yours. Besides, I couldn't let anything happen to you," he grinned "you remind me of my teacher Iruka."

There was an embarrassed silence.

And on _that_ note, the Hogwarts three were born…

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The Quidditch match was Harry's first, and memorable. When the Snitch was first spotted, Harry had dove after it. When Flint tried to block him, Harry astounded onlookers by vaulting off his broom over Flint and landing on it on the other side, not losing sight of the Snitch. They were even more astonished when he stood on his broom like it was a hover board and tried to reach for the Snitch.

He almost had it when his broom jerked out from under him, and everyone immediately knew something was wrong. Higgs, the Slytherin Seeker, breezed by as Harry's broom tried to buck him off. Harry fought to stay on, although it didn't look like it much, since he was still standing on his broom.

Even as Hermione, unknown to Harry, ran to fix the problem, he decided to take things into his own hands. Aiming as well as he could at the Snitch, he acted.

Not a few people gasped or screamed or fainted as Harry jumped off his broom. None of his teammates were close enough to catch him as he fell through the air.

Everyone was too shocked to see him grab the Snitch as it passed by. Quickly, he stuffed the Snitch into his pouch.

People didn't know _what_ to think as Harry grabbed hold of a passing Bludger by the tips of his fingers, using it to flip upwards and towards the goal posts. Grabbing a _kunai_, he cut his Quidditch robes open in the front with one deft move, and held the ends open to catch the wind and control his decent. Grabbing the shaft of Katie Bell's broom, he flipped once to gain momentum and shot off again, grabbing the center goal post. Grasping the post with hands, he began to bounce from post to post, moving steadily upward even as jaws dropped lower.

Finally, one last flip deposited him on top of the central goal post, where he landed easily. Dipping into his hip pouch, he raised the Snitch over his head. " GOT THE SNITCH!" he yelled and pandemonium erupted in the stadium.

"Oh, yeah," Harry said as his teammates surrounded him, George holding his broom. "I make this look _good_."

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Despite Harry's wishes, he found himself in Hogwarts with Ron during the Christmas break.

They'd been finding lots of little clues in the school all year, and even though Harry wanted to know what it was all about, what he wanted even more was to go home. But Sasuke and Naruto would have none of it. He'd been writing his findings to them all year, and by Christmas, to say their interest was piqued was an understatement. _They_ insisted he stay at Hogwarts and research with Ron, threatening to go on a hunger strike if he didn't. they wanted to know what was going on even more than he did.

So he stayed and when Ron and Hermione asked why he wasn't going back home to his brothers, he told them that "they made him stay."

On Christmas morning, Harry was pleasantly surprised to find the pile of gifts at the foot of his bed. Ron was surprised he'd never heard of the tradition, and after he explained, Harry vowed to get him and Hermione something as soon as possible.

Besides the flute from Hagrid, who he'd become friends with since the older man was also an orphan, the sweater and fudge from Ron's mother, the Chocolate Frogs from Hermione and the Invisibility Cloak without a name, Naruto and Sasuke had also sent him a scroll about medicinal herbs. Apparently, they'd heard about the tradition from Jiraiya, who sent him a kit for making his own _kibaku fuda_.

Afterwards, he'd gone around to test drive his new Invisibility Cloak and eventually found the Mirror of Erised.

In it, he saw a happy Naruto and Sasuke…

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In his mind, it was all Hermione's fault. She was the one who was so happy that she made him forget about the Cloak. She was the one who kept insisting they had to get rid of Norbert.

Still, he couldn't find it in himself to really blame her. In his ninja mindset, he had accepted to go on the mission, and failure meant he was also at fault, no matter who had caused the mission to fail, since he had been there and not managed to prevent it from happening.

He didn't really mind the insults being flung his way. What he _did_ mind was the (bleep) Hermione and Neville had to go through. He'd done what he could, but he couldn't be everywhere at once.

The detention in the Forbidden Forest went well, meaning that it was a mess where some creepy guy in a cloak drank a unicorn's blood and he met centaurs. Afterwards, he, Ron and Hermione put together the stuff about Voldemort.

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Harry kept playing the flute as Ron and Hermione jumped into the hatch. After a moment, he followed.

He knew something was wrong the minute he landed on something soft and chakra-infused. He recognized the feeling of a plant immediately.

_Kunai_ appeared in his hands as if by magic as he felt vines wrapping themselves around him, and he managed to struggle towards the far wall where Hermione was sending out flames to free Ron, who was almost completely entangled.

"You guys alright?" Harry asked as the flames caused the vines to draw back.

"Yeah," Ron said shakily.

Nodding, Harry began walking. "Let's go. We have a mission to accomplish."

Behind him, the two exchanged looks. "Mission?" Hermione mouthed.

Ron shrugged.

After a while, Harry said, "Hear that?"

"What?" Ron said.

"_That_. I sounds like the Snitch at close range."

A little walking bought them to a large chamber, where the sound seemed to be coming from dozens of bright birds. Harry checked the door in the other end of the chamber and found it locked.

"Now what?" Ron said.

"These birds…" Hermione said.

"Those aren't birds," Harry interrupted, narrowing his eyes. "They're keys…"

After catching the right key, they came to the giant chessboard…

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Harry checked Ron's vitals, wishing that he knew any healing _jutsus_. They were strong, so he didn't really worry too much, although there was the nagging thought that his friend would suffer brain damage.

After making sure Ron was comfortable, Harry and Hermione moved forward.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Hermione asked quietly.

"He should be fine," Harry said. "I've gotten worse at fights back home."

Opening the door in front of them, Harry was glad he didn't have to fight the troll inside. Even with his skills as a nin _and_ a wizard, he wasn't really sure he could take down a troll by himself- yet. Hermione looked at him worriedly, but he had no intention of slitting _this_ one's throat. The only reason he'd done that to the one on Halloween was because he _was_ afraid it would wake up. This one looked like it would be down for hours.

The next room was slightly more difficult. Still, Hermione was able to decode what they were supposed to do.

After sending Hermione away, Harry took a deep breath. He knew what he was doing. He was getting his team out of dodge so they wouldn't be in danger. Harry figured the out of all of them, he had the best chance confronting a wizard by himself. Praying that he didn't die and leave Naruto and Sasuke alone, he drank the potion and walked through the flames.

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"You!" Harry gasped.

Quirell smiled. "Me. I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here, Potter."

"Where's Snape?" Harry said.

"Severus?" Quirell laughed. "Not here. Although he _does_ seem the type, doesn't he?"

Let's fast-forward a little, shall we?

"Use the boy… Use the boy…" a voice said.

Quirell rounded on Harry, only to be met by a kick in the face. He fell back against the Mirror of Erised, his nose bloody, while Harry landed a few feet away, crouched, a _kunai_ in one hand and his wand in the other. He smirked at the man in front of him.

"How…"Quirell gasped.

"Rope Untying no Jutsu," Harry said. "It's basic stuff."

Not waiting for a reply, Harry charged at Quirell again, catching him in the gut this time. Quirell doubled over in pain, and Harry smashed his elbow on the back of Quirell's head. And blinked when he heard a cry of pain directly under his elbow. He stepped back as the turban on Quirell's head slipped off. "What the (BLEEP)?"

Harry felt the air suddenly becoming thick. He was suddenly back at the Uchiha compound, in front of the man who used to be his best friend. The air had been thick then too. Intellectually, he knew it was just an expression of chakra in the air, but it still rooted him to the spot where he stood as Quirell staggered back to his feet.

"Let me speak to him…" the voice he'd heard a while ago said. "Turn around so I can speak to him."

Quirell turned around, and Harry was suddenly face to face with a terrible face. Yet all he saw were red eyes looking back at him. They didn't have _tomoe_, neither did they spin around, but they were enough to bring the memories flooding back.

"I-Itachi?" Harry whispered, the name he hadn't spoken in years echoing through the room.

"Itachi?" the face said. "No, I am not Itachi, Harry Potter. Do you not recognize me? I do not blame you. It _has_ been a long time. It is I, Lord Voldemort."

It took the name a moment for the name to penetrate the haze in Harry's head. "Voldemort?" he repeated as his brain rebooted from being locked on the long-missing Uchiha. "**Voldemort?** The (BLEEP)-ing (BLEEP) bastard who killed my **_PARENTS_**?"

He didn't wait for an answer. Instead, his eyes met Voldemort's, and Voldemort flinched as his Legilimency gave him a little too much information of what the boy in front of him wanted to do. "You're on my list of people to kill, which is pretty short. Time to make it shorter."

With a cry of "_AVADA KEDAVRA_", a green jet of Death magic was followed by a _kunai_ and a hand seal-less _Gokakyu no Jutsu_, as Harry charged…

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Well, we all know how things end up.

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After winning the House Cup and getting their grades, it was time to get back home. At platform nine and three quarters…

"You must come and stay this summer," Ron said, "both of you- I'll send you an owl."

But Harry shook his head. "I can't. I have to take care of my brothers. Besides, and no offense, I'll only get to see them for a couple of months, while I'll see you all of next year. No way am I making our time together any shorter."

"I understand," Ron said. "I don't _get_ it, but I understand. I think."

As he, Ron and Hermione passed through the barrier, they were greeted by Ron's mother and sister.

"There he is, Mum, there he is, look!" Ginny squealed as she pointed at Harry. "Harry Potter! Look, Mum! I can see–"

"Be quiet, Ginny, it's rude to point," Mrs. Weasley said. She smiled down at them. "Busy year?"

"Very," Harry said. Stage whispering to Ron, he said, "Ron, why didn't you tell me you had a cute sister?"

Ginny blushed upon hearing this.

Ron looked at Harry like he was nuts. "Ginny? Cute? Are you sure you're talking about the right girl?"

"Ron!" Mrs. Weasley said, and Ginny blushed some more, this time in embarrassment, while Hermione rolled her eyes.

Harry "Hmm"-ed and walked over to Ginny, peering at her closely. "This one's your sister, right? No, we're definitely talking about the same person."

Ginny went back to the other kind of blushing.

"ONII-CHAN!"

Harry's head snapped up like it was on a spring. "Naruto? Sasuke?"

Hermione and the Weasleys blinked as Harry was suddenly tackled by two laughing young boys, younger than Ginny. The three of them fell down on the floor of the station as Harry collapsed.

"What are _you_ two doing here?" Harry said, beaming brighter than any of the wizards had ever seen.

"Ero-sannin brought us!" Naruto said.

Harry blinked. "Jiraiya's here? Where?"

Stifling a laugh, Sasuke pointed.

Following Sasuke's finger, Harry burst out laughing at the sight of Jiraiya in black leather pants, a white shirt, leather jacket and cowboy hat. "You're looking even more like a pervert than usual, old man!"

Jiraiya drew himself up. "Show some respect for your elders, boy!"

Harry just kept on laughing. Jiraiya rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of Harry's cart.

When Harry finally stopped laughing, he turned towards the waiting Weasley's and Hermione. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my little brothers, Sasuke and Naruto."

"Yo!" Naruto said as his name was mentioned. Sasuke seemed to freeze, not getting his act up in time, and smiled shyly, not looking at anyone. Mrs. Weasley and Hermione immediately found this cute.

"Oh, and the old man is our guardian, Jiraiya," Harry said, lazily jerking his thumb in the Sannin's direction.

"Boy…" Jiraiya started growling, but Harry cut him off.

"You want your manuscripts back or not?" he threatened.

Jiraiya gave him a pseudo-tearful look, which he and the boys just laughed at.

Needless to say, the others were looking a little bemused.

"Anyway, Naruto, Sasuke, this is Ron and Hermione," he gestured at his two friends, "And this is Mrs. Weasley and the cute girl behind her is Ginny."

The two immediately locked on to Hermione. "You're the girl big brother always talks about in his letters?" Naruto said.

Hermione blinked. "Um, yes."

Sasuke stared at her, as if trying to dissect her with his eyes. Naruto was more direct. Pointing at her, he said, "Do you have honorable intentions towards our big brother, or are you just stringing him along?"

Hermione blushed at the insinuation, but before she could say anything, Harry rolled his eyes and slapped Naruto upside the head.

"Idiot!" Harry said. "We're not like that! Besides, I like red-heads better."

Sasuke pointed at Ron. "You mean you're going out with _this _guy?"

Ron blushed red at the insinuation.

Slap!

"I'm not gay!" Harry bellowed at his brothers, who now sported identical headaches. "Besides, I'm talking about Ginny here!"

Cue the blushing as everyone looked at Ginny.

"Hey!" Ron said, more amused than anything else. "That's my sister you're talking about!"

Naruto and Sasuke, meanwhile, both broke out into identical evil grins. "Ginny?" they chorused.

Harry winced. "Yeah, so?" he told his brothers. "I don't give _you_ guys any flack about _your_ crushes."

"You have a crush on a girl you just met?" Hermione said.

Harry shrugged. "Where I live, people live fast, die young, and usually leave a mutilated corpse. And no, it's not a crush, it's an instant attraction and fascination to a beautiful girl."

Ginny wondered if she should risk Apparating away, but she really wanted to hear what else was said about her.

"Ahem," Jiraiya coughed. "Hate to break up this little love fest, but we _really_ got to go."

Harry sighed. "Well, see you guys next year!" he said. Smiling at Ginny, he added, "I'll be expecting to see _you_, okay?"

As he and his brother followed Jiraiya away, Hermione sighed and turned to Ron. "Makes me wish _I _had two brothers."

"I'll trade you Fred and George for half your brains, straight across."

"No deal."

Before Harry and his companions left hearing range, Hermione heard Jiraiya say, "You think your classmate will pose for my next book?"

"PERVERT!" they heard Harry scream. "HERMIONE IS TOO YOUNG TO BE POSING NUDE, YOU PEDOPHILE!"

Mrs. Weasley looked scandalize as Hermione blushed and people stared at the retreating group, who were now cussing each other out quite loudly…

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: And _that_ was the first of my concentrated years…

Harry's a Gryffindor. Don't mess with the classics, and besides, don't you think he deserves it?

Yes, all Slytherins are perverts. What do you expect from the House whose animal is a phallic symbol?

The three Unforgivables are legal in the Hidden Countries. I mean, they're a bunch of ninja's, for crying out loud! You think they've got the same priorities as the wizards? How are they legal? Simple: no one says they're not!

I couldn't help Harry acting that way with Ginny, I just couldn't help it! Why? 'Cause I felt like it.

Special thanks to: **The Red Dragons Order, Shadow , jjeeff185, psychoditz, a lot of zombies, Ran Hoshino, Thunderstone, Nantukoprime, Dumbledork, Shadowed Rains, the DragonBard, ultima-03, korrd,** and** JuMiKu. **Sorry I'm too busy to reply, but I'm off to a –­_shudders_– five-day family vacation, with absolutely no access to a PC. Pray I survive. If missed anyone, sorry, but I was too busy to check my latest reviews.

Please review, C&C welcome. Flames will be used to cook food over.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Back In The Ninja Saddle

A/N: And it's back to Konoha for the summer! What _have_ the boys been up to while onii-chan was away? What's in store for Harry? Will Karma punish him for Hogwarts' corruption? Find out, next…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: Back In The Ninja Saddle

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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Uzumaki Harry stared at the book in his hands, grinning like an idiot, before shaking his head in wonder and turning to Sasuke, who was waiting impatiently, twiddling with his fingers in a rather cute fashion and trying hard not to blush. "Unbelievable!" Harry said. "You _wrote_ this when I was gone?"

Sasuke blushed, nodding and ducking his head, while Naruto grinned. "He sure did! Ero-sannin gave the manuscript to the publisher, and in a couple of months, 'Yami no Tsubasa' was as hot as 'Icha Icha'!"

"It's not really a big deal…" Sasuke said, still not looking at anyone, but there was a pleased look on his blushing face.

Harry shook his head. Sasuke was the only one he knew who could go through so many different attitudes without having any transitions. One second, he'd been grinning his face off, teasing him about Ginny, the next he was blushing like a little girl about his book. At least he'd become less shy over the year, but Harry supposed that the shyness was a natural part of his personality that would never go away. He was pretty sure he'd become more confident over the years, but he'd still be the shy little boy they met on that day in the Uchiha compound so long ago.

"Of _course_ it's a big deal," Harry said. "We of all people should know no other book in recent or ancient history, other than the Kama Sutra, has even come _close_ to matching the 'Icha Icha' series in the Hidden Countries!"

Close by, Jiraiya was beaming with fatherly pride. Well, guardian-ly pride, anyway. It was that look that said "My kid did that!".

Harry smirked at Jiraiya. "What are _you_ smiling about, pervert? It's not like _you_ have anything to do with this."

"Hey, I'll have you know that it was _my_ artistic influence that inspired Sasuke-kun to write!" Jiraiya declared.

Sasuke went through one of his attitude changes like magic. Although normally shy in public, and when, say, he's telling Harry about his book, in private he was almost as bad as Naruto. "I fervently deny having any inspiration or influence from the 'Icha Icha' series, or its perverted writer. This is a malicious rumor spread about by my enemies," Sasuke said with a pseudo-solemn face, as if reciting a prepared statement at a press conference. Then ruined the effect by grinning as he and his brothers broke out laughing from the look on Jiraiya's face.

Sasuke's book certainly wasn't anything like Jiraiya's. For one, it was aimed at a _much_ younger demographic, although it somehow managed to attract older people as well, which contributed to it's popularity. The story was about Rei, a young succubus, the only thing that might _possibly_ connect it to 'Icha Icha', who'd been raised as a human without any knowledge of her ancestry. She lived with her adopted older brother and adopted sister in a fictional Hidden Village, Kagegakure, which was ruled over by the wise and powerful Kurokage, Narusegawa Naruto. Before she'd come to live there, the village had been attacked by the evil snake-vampire demon, Ahaspira, which was defeated by the then-Kurokage, Ikari Arisa.

For some bizarre reason, the whole village thought Rei was a guy, probably because she and her family lived at the outskirts of town. On her eleventh birthday, the day she became a ninja, her life was interrupted by the arrival of the amorous sixteen year-old succubus, Asuka, who claimed to be her arranged mate and revealed Rei's extra-human heritage.

From then on, it was a mad-cap comedy with lots of fluff, action and fan-service as Rei had to deal with her genin teammates, a young girl named Asuna who was attracted to Rei because she thought Rei was a guy, a young boy named Hiro who came from a once-distinguished but now in ruins Clan who supposedly possessed a special _doujutsu_ that no one ever heard about before and had a crush on Asuka, her jounin sensei Yue, an 'Icha Icha'-reading closet lesbian and pervert who had weird taste in food, and her adopted family, Haru and Sora, who turn out to be kitsune.

Although it was obviously geared towards younger kids, the sexually charged atmosphere, absurd, compromising situations, and fast-paced action scenes, not to mention the romantic subplots and cliffhanger ending, made it _very _popular.

Sasuke was racking it in.

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That night, the Uzumaki family (and Jiraiya) had a wild ramen party in celebration of Harry's return. Afterwards, they had a lot of fun playing Russian Roulette with the Every-Flavor Beans.

Next morning, Harry found himself butt-naked in the other side of town, mouth tasting of lima beans.

When he managed to drag himself back home, Naruto and Sasuke had gone off to the Academy. Jiraiya's stuff was also gone. He'd left a note that said he'd be traveling around to get more 'research' material and that he'd be back to take Harry to buy his school stuff in a couple of months. The note also said to visit the Hokage as soon as he was able.

Yuki and Miko were very surprised to see Harry again after a few months, but they let him in as usual. Harry noted with amusement that as soon as they thought he wasn't looking, both whipped out a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa' and started to read. He wondered how they'd react if they found out that it's writer was none other than the adopted brother of the Kyuubi host and one of the most infamous pranksters in Konoha history. Sasuke had been too shy to put his name in, and had only left a few clues to who he was in the 'About the Author' section of the book. It didn't even have a pseudonym, just a signature in front saying 'Not related or affiliated to Jiraiya'.

Personally, Harry thought the disclaimer was overcompensation.

Breezing past Touya, who was ignoring him in favor of the copy of 'Icha Icha Paradise' he was reading, Harry raised his hand and pounded on the door like he always did. "YO, OLD MAN! YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?"

Not waiting for a reply, he walked in.

As usual, the Hokage was barely able to look at him over the paperwork on his desk. "Hmph. You're back. Well, good things don't last forever. So, how was school?"

"Fine, fine," Harry said, waving the subject away. "So, what did you want to see me about?"

With an effort, the Hokage moved a couple of tall stacks of paper to the side to be able to look him face to face. "Have you been practicing those walking exercises Jiraiya gave you?"

For an answer, Harry jumped up and stuck himself on the office's roof.

"Very good," the Hokage said as Harry dropped back down. "The reason I called you here concerns your education as a shinobi. As you know, you were supposed to be assigned to a genin team to study under a jounin, but since that wasn't possible, I've made special arrangements. I'm still getting things finalized, so come back here tomorrow. For now," the old man handed Harry three scrolls, "you have a lot of work to catch up on."

"What the (bleep) are these things?" Harry said.

"Missions," Sarutobi said. "You need to do _some_ work. I can't suspend your license indefinitely. While you're here in Konoha in the summer, you have to do missions just like any other genin. Don't worry, you can handle these on your own. If not, get Naruto and Sasuke to help you."

Harry opened one scroll. "_Buying groceries_ counts as a mission?" he exclaimed, sounding scandalized.

The Hokage grinned. "Welcome to the world of the shinobi."

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After Harry stomped out of his office, swearing under his breath about asinine missions, the Hokage, reached out and opened a folder on his desk. Opening it, he smirked. His job wasn't as glamorous as people thought it was- the paperwork made sure of that- but it had its little perks. Such as seriously screwing someone over.

The Hokage didn't feel one shred of remorse as he signed what could possibly be the eldest Uzumaki's death sentence. In his mind, it was payback for all the pranks he'd pulled.

Besides, he was entitled. He was Hokage, after all.

Snickering, Sarutobi sent the papers out to be processed, wondering what Harry would make of his jounin instructor. For a moment, he wondered if he was enjoying the possibilities a little _too_ much, and whether the black sheep of his old genin students might have rubbed off on him a little.

He thought about it, then grinned.

NAH!

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People drew back as Harry cursed the Hokage, then Madame Shizimi, then Tora, then missions in general as he stalked off to Ichiraku's for a break. After the groceries, he'd spent most of the morning and a little of the afternoon looking for the (BLEEP)-ing woman's (BLEEP)-ing cat! He still had a garden to weed, but before that, he was going to eat something. After getting three squares a day regularly at Hogwarts, he'd gotten used to eating lunch at a certain time, which had definitely already passed. To say he was PO-ed was understating it. Passerby all drew back as the waves of chakra emanated off him, and he left slightly scorched footprints in his wake.

Sure that his mood would keep people away from him- he'd been making ANBU step aside- he was surprised when someone suddenly checked his shoulder.

"HEY!" he said, whirling around to face the offender. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE (BLEEP)-ING GOING, YOU (BLEEP)-ING (BLEEP)!"

The person stopped, coat swaying slightly, before turning around to look at him. "What did you say, brat?"

Harry took the woman in in one glance. She had her hair up in a bun at the back of her head, a practical hair-style some kunoichi favored. Under her coat, she wore a fishnet shirt, a kind of khaki skirt, the standard shinobi footwear, fishnet bike shorts, and little else. Harry could see she wasn't wearing a bra, or much of anything else for that matter.

He got all this, filed it, ignored it, and went back to the business at hand. "You deaf as well as stupid, (BLEEP)?"

The next thing he knew, Harry was on the ground, the wind knocked out of him and an intense pain in his gut as a _kunai_ was pressed against his neck with enough force to draw blood. The kunoichi was looming over him, her other hand twisting his right arm painfully as her foot threatened to break his leg. "Mind your manners, boy. You should know better than to challenge your betters."

Harry took a deep breath, turned his head to face her, and spat out a hand seal-less _Gokakyu no jutsu_ in her face.

The kunoichi jumped back as the crowd started moving away, but not _too _far away. Street brawls between sober shinobi was a rare sight in Konoha, and they didn't want to miss a second of it.

Harry jumped back to his feet, a _kunai_ appearing in each hand, aware of the wand strapped to the inside of his forearm. He wasn't sure if he should use his magic or not, but he felt better knowing that he could if necessary.

The kunoichi was also getting to her feet, looking none the worse for wear after the close encounter with the fire _jutsu_. Harry could see some of the nylon of her shirt had shriveled slightly under the close range heat, but other than that, she was unaffected.

"You're good, kid," she said. "But I'm better!"

"What's going on here?" a voice suddenly demanded.

The crowd muttered in disappointment as three ANBU appeared out of nowhere and stood between the two combatants. Smoothly, the kunoichi slid her _kunai_ back in her holster.

"Just teaching the brat a lesson," she said, a definite bite in her words as she glare-stared at Harry. Harry didn't back down, matching her with his Uchiha glare, with bits learned from Snape thrown in. The kunoichi seemed to find this amusing however, smiling even as she glared. Without a word, still smiling, she turned and walked away, the crowd parting before her.

Harry was about to call out a challenge when one of the ANBU was suddenly behind him, a hand over his mouth. Harry bit said hand, causing the ANBU to remove it hastily, shaking it in pain, but by then, the kunoichi was gone.

Harry turned to glare at the ANBU, but before he could say anything, the frog-masked man spoke. "You were lucky we dropped by when we did. You managed to pick a fight with one of the most dangerous people in Konoha."

With those mysterious words, the three ANBU disappeared, leaving Harry in the middle of the street. Grumbling under his breath, and wondering if things could get any worse, Harry started stalking towards Ichiraku's again.

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In his office, the Hokage almost dropped his crystal ball from laughing. Oh, this was going to be _so_ much fun to watch…!

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"Hey, bro!" Naruto greeted as the door slammed shut. All the response he got was an unintelligible growl, and a barely intelligible statement about taking a bath,

Naruto exchanged looks with Sasuke as their unusually irritable older brother slammed the bathroom door behind him. "What was _that _about?"

Sasuke shrugged, trying to write in his notebook and stir dinner at the same time. "Got me. Maybe something the Hokage said?"

The two speculated on the cause as they got dinner ready. Sasuke kept trying to do things one-handed as he wrote the third volume of "Yami no Tsubasa" in his notebook (the second was on it's way to the publisher, and would be out in a few weeks). Naruto found this amusing. Who'd think his brother was such a nerd? At school, between dodging fangirls, Sasuke managed to get top grades in most everything. Naruto doubted anyone would think such a 'cool' guy was a writer.

When Harry finally came out of the bathroom, he seemed a little calmer. Joining Naruto and Sasuke, who'd already started eating, Harry filled his bowl from the pot of ramen in the middle of the table and started eating, moaning in pleasure.

"(BLEEP), I missed ramen," Harry said as he came up for air.

"No ramen at that Hogsy place?" Naruto asked.

"Hogwarts," Harry corrected. "Nope, not a bowl."

"Barbarians," Naruto said.

Sasuke chuckled, careful to keep his soup from splattering on his notebook. Out of all of them, Naruto loved ramen the most. It seemed the blond couldn't comprehend not eating ramen for a year. "Why were you so worked up when you came home, onii-chan?" Sasuke asked. In his mind, Harry was the only one he'd ever called onii-chan, no one else.

Harry scowled, although it wasn't as bad as the look he had worn coming in. "Stupid Hokage gave me a bunch of lame (bleep) missions. What kind of a mission is buying _groceries_?"

"A class-D mission," Sasuke said. "They're usually the only kind genin get."

Harry sniffed, then nearly gagged as a noodle went up his nose. "Well, they're stupid."

"No argument there," Sasuke said.

"Oh, yeah, the old man wants me back at his office tomorrow," Harry added, shrugging. "Something about special arrangements."

"Maybe he's going to put you under a jounin?" Sasuke ventured.

"Maybe," Harry said. "I just hope whoever it is is hot."

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The next morning, after seeing Naruto and Sasuke off to the Academy, Harry walked off towards the 'Kage Tower. Along the way, he flirted with Ayame at the Ichiraku stand, one of his old kunoichi classmates, a passing ANBU, a little blonde girl about Sasuke's age standing in front of a flower shop, and a red-eyed chuunin who seemed to be wearing an outfit made of bandages. Behind him, he left blushes, smiles and giggles, and went away with a feeling of accomplishment.

Harry was a flirt. It was something he somehow picked up from Jiraiya, if not completely, or as badly. He liked to make girls happy, make them blush red from attention they wanted and enjoyed. At Hogwarts, he'd sometimes flirted with Hermione, nothing serious, just to lift up her spirits if she were down, or get her to relax if she was getting uptight. She'd blushed a lot at first, but eventually stared flirting back in a friendly way, just a little silliness between friends.

His only semi-serious flirt had been Ginny. He'd thought she was cute, reminding him of Naruto a little, the way she'd been so energetic.

He hoped she'd end up in Gryffindor. It would be fun to flirt with her.

When he finally arrived, Touya told him to come back later that afternoon. Slightly peeved, Harry headed out again, wondering what the heck he was supposed to do in the mean time.

Well, that one's easy...

A few laps around Konoha later, with substantial time spent running on the perimeter wall by sticking to it with chakra, Harry went to find an empty area to do some punching and kicking exercises. Unfortunately, he was interrupted by some weirdo in green, which pretty much killed his enthusiasm.

Idly, Harry wondered why most nin without facial scars were mentally unstable…

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Harry sat down with a sigh. It had been a tiring but fruitful morning, and he could really use a break. His jog had taken him far from Ichiraku's, so he'd decided to eat at this little stand he'd seen.

Giving his order, Harry pulled out a certain book by a certain sannin from his hip pouch and started to read. No matter how many times he read it, he kept finding subtle nuances in Jiraiya's stories. Plus the plots themselves were nice. Harry really didn't care about the smut- that was for the perverts (okay, maybe just a little, but only in his professional capacity as an editor, ensuring the writer's work wasn't repetitive)- but he really liked the narratives.

After a while, he realized he wasn't alone at the stand. Glancing to his left, he saw a pale-haired, masked shinobi looking at him out of the corner of his eye. In the man's hands was a copy of the same book Harry was reading.

Harry grinned cheekily. The half of the man's face he could see was wide-eyed at the book he held in his hands. It was one of the standard reactions he got when he pulled an 'Icha Icha' out in public to read. "Hey. Nice book, isn't it?"

The nin nodded.

"So how far along are you?" Harry asked. "You look like you're in chapter six."

"Chapter seven," the nin said.

"Ah," Harry nodded sagely. "Lots of good stuff _there_. Personally, it's my favorite chapter."

The man's eye boggled as Harry's order arrived. Putting away his book, the wiz-nin started eating. It was always funny to see how people reacted to reading the books. The reactions usually ranged from wide-eyed shock to indignation to anger. It was all amusing, really. He'd been editing these books since he was really young, been the one to introduce it to Ita... around the Uchiha compound. It was highly unlikely they'd 'corrupt' him now.

The nin was still staring at him when he got up and left.

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Kakashi stared. He couldn't help it. How could a kid like that have an autographed, platinum edition?

_**AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!**_

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Since he'd had an early lunch, Harry thought he'd squeeze in a little more training time. Finding a convenient training area that was empty- and had no green-spandex-wearing weirdoes- with a wooden post positioned nicely for target practice, Harry unstrapped his wand from his forearm and got to work...

About fifteen minutes later, he was forced to find another training dummy/target. His spells had been more destructive than he'd thought. Especially that _Reducto_ thing. He'd picked it up in the library when he'd gone trawling for destructive spells to add to his repertoire. It was just one of his new additions to his arsenal.

When he felt he'd gone through enough targets, he switched to throwing practice with his _kunai_, _shuriken_, and even _senbon_. He'd been at it for a good fifty minutes when he realized he was being watched.

"Yes?" he said quite loudly, and behind him, he heard a bush rustle as his watcher shifted. "I know you're there! Come out already!"

A little more rustling, and his watcher stepped hesitantly out into the open. It was a young girl, younger than Harry was, about a year or so older than Naruto and Sasuke. She had dark brown hair done up in two buns on either side of her head, and was wearing cargo pants and a silk shirt.

"Can I help you?" Harry said, looking her up and down, and liking what he saw.

The girl seemed to gather herself under his scrutiny. "What are you doing?"

Harry raised an eyebrow, wondering which _what _she meant.

The girl pointed at his targets. "Why are your targets so small? You're never going to hit anything that way," she said, seemingly ignoring the fact that less than a quarter of his throws had missed.

Harry gave her a look. "You're kidding me, right? Of course my targets need to be that small. It's the only way I can improve my accuracy. If I had bigger targets, they'd be easier to hit, sure, but it won't help me train. ."

"Besides," Harry added, "there are certain points in the human body that are extremely small, but if hit correctly, would be a great help to a ninja."

Harry checked his watch. "Oh, (BLEEP)! Gotta go, cutey! I'll be seeing you!"

Grabbing all his gear off where they were stuck and putting them back where he stored them, Harry impulsively stole a kiss off her as he passed by her position, before running full-tilt towards the Hokage Tower.

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Tenten blinked, then blushed as she realized what had happened. Gingerly, she raised a shaking hand to her lips.

Shaking her head, she looked at all the targets the boy had been aiming at. Each one was about the size of a small marble, bare visible at fifteen feet, much less twenty. And he'd still managed to hit most of them!

Tenten stared at the targets. Her dream was to be like the legendary Tsunade. She'd been a medic-nin. Didn't medic use the body's weaknesses to their advantages? Like say, really small pressure points?

Tenten fingered her _kunai_ pouch consideringly...

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When Harry arrived at the 'Kage Tower, Touya told him to come back tomorrow. By then, however, Harry was feeling pretty PO-ed. Drawing out his wand, Harry directed a _Reducto_ at the door, reducing it to powder as it was blasted off its hinges.

Harry heard Touya sigh as the man called maintenance to fix the door yet again.

"OLD MAN!" Harry yelled as he stepped over the debris. "We're going to talk!"

It took him a moment to realize the Hokage wasn't alone in the room. Harry froze as he came face to face with a familiar kunoichi. Said kunoichi was suddenly wearing an evil grin.

"Is this the one you were talking about, Sarutobi-sensei?" the kunoichi said.

The Hokage nodded solemnly. The kunoichi's grin widened. "I think I'll take that assignment after all."

The Hokage nodded again. "Very well. Harry, this is Mitarashi Anko. She has agreed to become your jounin sensei. Anko, this is Uzumaki Harry. I hope you two will get along together."

"I'm sure we will," Anko said, grinning evilly, and Harry suddenly felt the need to swear the air blue...

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: I love this fic...

I originally wanted 'Yami no Tsubasa' to be like a Hidden Countries version of Harry Potter as a joke, but the summary kind of got away from me…

Yup, Anko. What? I _like_ the deranged little psycho-chick. She's so **_cute_**! -_gush_- And she might have _jutsu_ that plays to Harry's _kekkei genkai. _Yes, you read that right, a blood limit...

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"ATE: Naruto & Sasuke Gaiden1: Sakura" 

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All of Naruto's classmates smirked knowingly as he kept on sneaking glances at a certain pink-haired girl in his class. He ignored them. As long as they kept quiet, he was fine.

Next to him, he heard Sasuke sigh. "Pay attention, _baka_," his brother muttered out of the corner of his mouth, while seemingly engrossed in whatever it was Iruka was teaching. Something about the right way to perform a _Bunshin no jutsu_.

Naruto rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. He made a mental note to rag on Sasuke about something later on. It was a little thing the two of them did. On the first day of school, Naruto had insisted Sasuke introduce himself as an Uchiha, and when he wouldn't, he had begged Iruka, who he'd met through Harry-nii-chan, to do so for him. Naruto didn't want Sasuke to be given any grief just because he was his brother. Sasuke had eventually seen the point of the subterfuge, and was grateful that Naruto would go to such lengths for him, but it was still pretty annoying to hear the name 'Uchiha' repeatedly. Since Sasuke really didn't consider himself an Uchiha anymore- or at all- the name had become intrinsically linked in his mind to a certain red-eyed killer.

Because of this, Sasuke had taken to the Academy like a fish to water, learning everything and anything he could get his hands on. This was just fine with Naruto, who was not only needing a lot of help with his schoolwork, but also had a thing against the same red-eyed bastard. When Naruto had realized what Sasuke was up to, he had immediately told Harry, and they had confronted him about it. But rather than forbidding him, the two had said they weren't letting him do it alone. The other two Uzumakis wanted a piece of the weasel's hide too.

If it ever came to it. Sasuke had long ago decided he wasn't going to waste his life hunting after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. All his training, while under the guise of doing so for this purpose, was in reality aimed at something a lot closer to home. He wasn't about to let what happened not so long ago happen to Harry and Naruto. Next time, he would be strong enough to protect them no matter what!

Ahem.

So Sasuke was known in his class as an Uchiha, and Naruto was known as an Uzumaki. Their classmates had _no_ idea that they lived together or were brothers, which was fine with Naruto, who, as mentioned before, didn't want Sasuke going through any more grief because of him, and Sasuke, who didn't want his fangirls mobbing his brother for info.

No one had ever noticed that all the pranks committed in their age group revolved around the two. Most assumed it was only Naruto, something that really annoyed Sasuke on one hand, since he wanted credit too, and made him thank his lucky stars on the other, since he _really_ couldn't stand so much attention. His fangirls were bad enough.

Naruto vainly tried to stay awake during the _Bunshin_ lecture while Sasuke diligently took notes, internalizing everything Iruka said. Sasuke tried to ignore all the looks girls were sending his way, letting the little 'love notes' they sent him pile up where they were. Later, when everyone was gone, he'd recover them from the trash and take them home, but he thought he'd die, either from extreme embarrassment, or by fangirl mob, if anyone ever found out he did that. Not even Naruto knew. He suspected Iruka did, though, since the chuunin always had a knowing smile whenever he saw Sasuke coming or going for the notes. Thankfully the older man never said anything. Sasuke was fairly sure he'd die of embarrassment if he did.

As they started to gather their things when class was dismissed, Sasuke tried not to sigh as the first of the fangirls asked if he could walk her home, or maybe walk home with _him_. He gave his stock "Go away," not even looking up to see who it was, although he was barely able to get it out once or twice.

Next to him, Naruto noticed his hesitation in one such instance. Another person might not have heard it, but almost no one knew Sasuke better than Naruto. He'd caught the hitch in his brother's voice, and being curious, he'd looked to see who'd caused it.

Naruto had a crush on Haruno Sakura. Everyone in the class knew it. They also knew Sakura would rather die than have anything to do with the blond. She had too big a thing for Sasuke. That had almost, _almost_ started a fight between the two brothers. It wasn't as if Sasuke was trying to attract her attention, since he knew his brother liked the girl, and Naruto really couldn't fault him for being a girl magnet.

At that moment however, Naruto's crush on Sakura died a quick and painless death. A few seconds later, he'd forgotten he'd ever had one, as an evil grin threatened to take over his features. Oh, this was going to be so much fun!

Later, after Sasuke had secretly retrieved the love notes, the two were walking home after dodging the fangirls when Naruto decided to make his move. Any other person would have been subtle. They would have casually started a conversation, getting their victim's guard down while slowly making their way over to the topic and, when it was least expected, pounce on their victim with the information.

But, hey, this is NARUTO we're talking about!

"You like Sakura, don't you?" Naruto said gleefully right out of the blue, turning to his brother with a wide grin on his face.

The reaction was quite interesting.

Sasuke jumped, turning to his brother with a surprised look on his face as it turned an interesting shade of crimson. "Whaa?"

Naruto's grin got wider. "Aha! It's true, you _do_ like Sakura!"

"I-I don't know wh-what your talking about!" Sasuke managed to splutter, his blush starting to look like a sunburn.

Naruto, predictably, ignored him. He might have lost a crush, but that was a small price to pay for having something _BIG_ to tease Sas about. "You _lo-ve_ her, you want to _ho-ld_ her, you want to _ki-ss_ her-" Naruto sang.

"I DO NOT!" Sasuke protested, although the look on his face wasn't very convincing.

"LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!" Naruto yelled pointing at Sasuke.

Sasuke growled. "I'll show _you_ pants on fire!" he said, spurting a _Gokakyu_ at Naruto, who dodged and ran laughing, followed by a still blushing and irate Sasuke…

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"END ATE" 

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Special thanks to: **bookfanatic84, Amra, Aikuchi Shikaku, jjeeff185, eliteshadow, kage.exe, kyo anime, NoName , HarbringerLady, The Red Dragons Order, deafturtle, SalanTrong, Dumbledork, Decadere Angelo, Ran Hoshino, Itasuko-chan, Thunderstone, YHabiki, Darklight, Shadowed Rains, Rhysel Ash, Alucard29, dark672 , Exarikun, Type C Bookworm, JuMiKu, korrd, The-13th-To-Fall, Dracowar, **and** Tombadgerlock.**

Please review, C&C welcome. Anyone who flames gets an _Amaterasu _from my Itachi-bot.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Sennen Goroshi OUCH!

A/N: I would like to take this opportunity to pimp **Foxie-sama**'s _awesome_ fic, '**_For The Love of My Friends_**'. It is **_THE_** best Naruto fic in existence, with mine coming second and **Red Dragons Order**'s coming third. -_cheeky grin_- For those who don't have it on their favs list, **_WHAT IN BLACK BLAZES ARE YOU DOING WASTING TIME ON THIS HACK-JOB? GO FOR THE GOOD STUFF, NOW!_**

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: Sennen Goroshi… Ouch!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, Naruto or Sasuke. Don't want to, really. If I did, I'd never be able to update my fics.

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Naruto and Sasuke looked up and sighed as their big brother took two steps into the apartment, a dazed look on his face, before collapsing face-first into the cushions the two of them had thoughtfully stacked up.

"What does that (BLEEP) do to him?" Naruto said as grabbed one of Harry's arms. Sasuke grabbed the other and together, the two of them dragged their adopted brother towards the sofa.

"Whatever it is, it's pretty brutal," Sasuke said, taking note of the new bruises and cuts on Harry's arms and legs. He sighed. Looks like their brother would need more new clothes.

Ever since Harry started training under that Anko lady, he'd been coming home in this condition or worse. In those cases, an ANBU would bring him home, usually covered in bruises and a little blood. Naruto and Sasuke had no idea what it was he went through, but some nights, their brother wakes up screaming about bells and snakes. Whatever it is, it must be horrible if it can replace his nightmares.

Later that night, Harry finally woke up. Naruto and Sasuke had taken the liberty of cleaning and dressing his wounds, for which he was gratefully. He didn't think he could have stood it if he were conscious. Groaning, he sat up. Laboriously, he forced his hands to make seals. After two days of Anko's 'training' (which felt a lot like the Cruciatus Curse), he'd finally gotten around to finding a scroll that taught a healing _jutsu_. It took him three days, but at least he didn't have to keep going to the hospital. And it helped increase his chakra.

Running a glowing hand over his more painful cuts and bruises, Harry silently prayed. _Please let there be a class C mission for me tomorrow, please let there be a class C mission for me tomorrow, HECK, please let there be a class **S** mission for me tomorrow…!_

For the first time in his life, Uzumaki Harry was _not_ liking supervised education.

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_Anko grinned as she held up a little bell on a string, the kind that go on cats collars and cat-girls. "The test is simple: get this bell from me using any mean necessary."_

_Harry smirked. "Piece of cake."_

_Anko smirked back nastily, and tied the end of the string to one of the fishnet strands on her chest. "Oh, and if you don't manage to do it before the sun sets, I'll break your legs. **Sen'eijashu**!"_

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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" was the scream that echoed through the Uzumaki household well before dawn, snapping Sasuke and Naruto into consciousness and waking up everyone on their floor. Since the latter had gotten used to it after two weeks, they all just went to sleep.

Naruto threw a pillow at Harry without bothering to open his eyes. "SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

The boy promptly rolled over in his bed, the pillow Harry had thrown back at him out of instinct hitting him in the head. He didn't notice, already out like a light.

Sasuke rubbed his eyes, casting a worried look at Harry, who was curled up in a fetal position and muttering 'just a dream, just a dream, just a dream,' repeatedly to himself. Yawning, the younger boy stretched, before getting out of his bed and padding towards the kitchen. Turning on the water heater filled with chicken stock, he opened five cups of instant ramen, made sure there was a clear path to the door, carefully laid out Harry's clothes and gear on the sofa, and, when the chicken broth was hot enough, filled the cups of ramen and went back to bed.

About five minutes later, there was a scream of "(BLEEP), I'M LATE! (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP)!" as Harry looked at his alarm clock, grabbed his towel and ran like a madman to the bathroom.

It was just another day in the Uzumaki house.

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Anko glare/frown/smirked down at Harry as the boy panted hard from his morning marathon, hands on his knees and already struggling not to collapse. "You're late."

Harry squashed down the impulse to say that in actuality, he was really five minutes early. He wanted to live, thank-you-very-much, and correcting Anko was an activity not conducive to living a long life. She was probably the first person he'd ever been afraid of, and the first time is always the worst.

Anko for her part was enjoying this _immensely_. This was the first time she'd ever been a jounin instructor, mainly because everyone was afraid what would happen if she was put in charge of three genin. Not that they were afraid she'd do something like experiment on them, but what kind of 'training methods' she'd use. The Hokage himself told her she was better of going on missions instead of teaching, and she'd pretty much agreed with him, since she really didn't want to be tied down by any snot-nosed brats anyway.

Then the Hokage had gone back on what he'd said and asked her to teach a 'special' student who wouldn't be able to join a normal genin team because of certain circumstances. She'd been about to forcefully tell him to (bleep) himself- respectfully, of course- when the very same brat had blasted the door open (she still needed to know how he'd done that) and surprise, surprise, it was someone she knew.

She'd taken out her frustrations on him about their previous 'encounter' during the bell tests ('tests', plural X3) and the first week of training. Anko normally didn't carry a grudge except when her old bastard of a sensei was concerned, since grudges and the desire for revenge tended to kill more nin than the enemy did, but she wasn't about to let the chance for a little payback go away. No way!

Still, pay back had been rendered, and now she was just being her usual evil, sadistic, insane self. It was hard for anyone to tell, but now she was actually going easy on the guy. No one would be able to tell, but it was true. Sort of.

"Uzumaki, this kind of sloppiness will not be tolerated," Anko said, still glare/frown/smirking. "I was going to do this next week, but since you annoyed me… Follow me."

Resignedly, Harry straightened and followed his sensei, wondering which level of hell she was going to take him this time.

She led him towards a large training ground surrounded by a high, chain link fence. The gate before them was sealed by a combination of warding _ofuda_, padlocks and chains. Anko started opening it. "This is called Training Ground 44. We'll be training here for the next week."

"You mean like, wilderness survival training?" Harry said, hoping that wasn't the case. He had some rations on him but not enough for…

Anko paused. "That's an idea. Way better than mine. Alright, we'll be going on a week-long round of wilderness survival training!"

Harry wanted to groan. Him and his big mouth…!

He eyed the forest beyond. It was dark, but he thought he could handle it. Right?

Knowing that suggesting they go back for supplies would be a stupid idea, since then she'd probably extend the time to two weeks for being weak- she'd done it before-, Harry unknowingly followed her into the Forest of Death…

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Later that night, both Naruto and Sasuke stayed up late, wondering what was keeping their brother…

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The next day, when Harry still didn't come back home, they got moderately worried.

"You think that wacko's killed him?" Naruto said as he and Sasuke walked to the Academy via one of their guaranteed-fangirl-free paths.

Sasuke pursed his lips, not really giving the idea serious thought. "We'll know when we get to school," he said. "Iruka-sensei would tell us if she had. If he doesn't… well that means she got one of her crazy ideas again."

"So she could still get him killed," Naruto pointed out.

"Unfortunately."

All conversation was cut off as they neared the Academy. Naruto nodded to Sasuke, who nodded back in a resigned but understanding way, the blond moving away from his adoptive brother so that it wouldn't look like they were together and doing a silent countdown in his head…

"SASUKE-KUN!" a girlish voice yelled.

Hmm, and with four seconds to spare. Those fangirls were getting faster at spotting his brother.

Looking over his shoulder, the blond allowed himself a snicker. Did the ex-Uchiha _really_ think he could keep his brother from knowing about how he hoarded those love letters? Of course, he knew his brother had a crush on Sakura, but that didn't mean he didn't liked getting attention from elsewhere. With their… _association_ with Jiraiya, they had a view that was slightly more advanced than their peers. They knew about IT, for example, if only the mechanics. They still didn't get why two adults would want to do IT, but hey, they figured they'd learn eventually.

In class, Sasuke took up his usual end seat that left only one chair beside him. Immediately, girls started asking if they could sit there, and kept receiving curt 'no'-s. Naruto watched discretely- alright, he stood at the other side of the room and stared without blinking, but at their age, it amounted to the same thing- and smiled knowingly to himself when he detected the infinitesimal hitch in Sasuke's voice when Sakura asked.

As Jiraiya always espoused, it was never too early to be interested in the ladies…

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Dobby, upon hearing of certain things- like evil plots involving diaries and that fact that Harry Potter was actually still alive- decided to do something stupid.

Unfortunately, since he couldn't _find_ Harry Potter, he decided to hold off his plans until September, when he knew, or at least had a general idea, of where he would be.

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Harry tried to slow his breathing, staying out of sight. He wished he had his Invisibility Cloak, but it was just an idle thought. He was fairly certain Anko would still find him without it. And he really didn't want his cloak to get torn up. It was too nice.

He listened out for the snakes. It was something of a surprise when, during a few minutes muttering to himself, a snake had started butting in on his rant. When he realized he could understand what the snake was saying, he'd recruited as many as he could to help him. Some had been too lazy but a bare handful had gone along with it, so he had a sort of early warning system in case Anko found him.

Anko's idea of wilderness survival training: give him a five minute head start, then go after him with evil intent. So far, she'd been able to carry out her intent, but the length of time he'd managed to evade her, and how long he'd been able to fight her off when she found him had been getting longer. That was a good thing.

On the down side, he still had six more days to go…

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Five days later… 

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Anko shook her head in grudging admiration at the boy before her. Nearly a week on living on only what he could hunt- she'd cheated and stashed a bunch of rations in the forest somewhere- and he still managed to go head to head against her. He couldn't beat her, but he sure as heck was lasting longer that a lot of people his age would have. She was officially impressed.

Harry kept his _kunai_ up even though he knew it was about as much a defense as a piece of paper. Less, really: there might be some obscure technique that used paper as weapons and shields. You never knew in this wacked-out shinobi world. He frowned at his pathologically insane jounin sensei- although he'd never say _that_ in her face. "Well? What are you waiting for? I want to start trying to heal before it rains," he said. This deep in the Forest of Death, the sun never really shone through, but it seemed darker than usual, and Harry knew it was twelve noon.

Shaking her head one more time, Anko started walking away. "Break time," she said, sitting down on a root and taking off her coat, fanning herself with her hand. Her chest heaved as she tried to keep from panting. It was _hot_ down here!

Harry blinked, and not because he was getting a good view of Anko's fishnet-covered chest, although _that _was nice too. She _never _gave him a break. _Ever_. It was like a law of the universe.

Well, far be it for Harry to break the law, or see that it's broken. "HEY! Aren't you going to beat me up?"

Anko arched her eyebrow at him. "What are you babbling about?"

"I hide, you find me, I try to fight back, you beat me up! That's how this works! _Then_ maybe we take a break! Come on, you're breaking my rhythm here!" Harry yelled.

His rant was interrupted as Anko blurred, pushing him- hard- in the gut. The usual result of him losing his breath he was more or less used to since he got this a lot. Before he could recover, Anko high-kicked him in the chin, back flipping as she did so- well, how do you like that: sensei wore a thong. You learn something new everyday- and sending him flying into the air. He had a second to hang up there and absorb the pain before he felt Anko grab the back of his shirt and slam him into a nearby tree trunk.

The jounin dusted off her hands. "There, I beat you up. _Now_ we take a break!"

"Yes ma'm," Harry muttered, trying to get his wind back and hoping he wouldn't puke and choke himself before then.

A fact of the universe: Harry never hit on Anko. Hit_ Anko _if he was lucky, but never _hit on _Anko. Nope. He never hit on Anko. One would understand how out of character this was when one considers Harry has hit on every woman he's met at least once. Mrs. Weasley, he wasn't able to hit on, but he has hit on every one of his female teachers in the Academy _and_ Hogwarts. Yes, even McGonagall. Age, authority or looks was not a deterrent. Granted, he didn't know what he'd do if any of the uglier ones flirted back, but the fact was he seldom passed up the chance to flirt.

However, he was avoiding Anko like the plague.

He couldn't quite put his finger on it. He just knew that there was no way he was going to try flirting with Anko…

Finally managing to get his breath back, Harry turned himself right side-up. Anko had sat down close to him, flopping down close by. Harry made to get up and away.

"Stay," Anko order, taking off her _hitae-ate_ and wiping her forehead. "Sit."

Harry stayed. Harry sat.

"Well?" Anko said. "Take your break!"

Looking at her out of the corner of his eye, Harry reached into his pouch and pulled out one of his ration bars. Anko quickly plucked it out of his hand.

"So nice of you to offer one to your sensei," she said, tearing open the wrapping. So _that's_ how the little brat managed to survive.

Not bothering to retort- although he was severely tempted- Harry reached into his pouch again and got another bar, watching Anko as he did so. She smiled evilly at him, but made no move to grab it. Tearing the wrapper open, he started to eat-

- And froze as he heard a telltale sound.

Anko had finished eating her bar when Harry suddenly said, "Sensei, don't move."

She glared at him, wondering what he was talking about, when she felt something brush against her leg. She looked down.

The Forest of Death held a lot of things. A lot were poisonous. All were deadly. Care to guess what was rubbing on her leg?

It was a snake. That much was obvious. It was huge. Anaconda-sized. Also obvious. About to bite Anko. Fairly obvious.

Anko frowned, wondering if she could reach for her _kunai _before it bit her. This was a rare breed that grew in the Forest. Highly poisonous and very deadly. She was fast, but she wasn't sure if it was faster.

Even as she considered this, however, Harry began to hiss. She looked at her student, wondering if she'd finally caused him to snap. Even as she wondered what excuses she'd give the Hokage, the snake at her leg paused. Switching her attention to it, she blinked. It seemed to be… listening to Harry?

Her gaze snapped between the snake, Harry, and back again. She cleaned her ears. It almost sounded like the two of them were… talking? She cleaned her ears again. That couldn't be right. Even her crazy, evil, perverted, pedophilic, bastard of a sensei couldn't actually _talk_ to snakes! Look like one, summon them, but talk to non-summoned snakes? No way!

The two hissed at each other for a while longer, and then the snake went away, but not before giving Anko what she thought looked like a hungry look.

She spent a couple of moments blinking in confusion as Harry finished eating his bar, muttering to himself about snakes with one-track minds. "How did you do that?" she finally said.

"Do what?"

"How did you talk to that snake?" she cried.

"Oh, that. I think it's my _kekkei genkai_. I mean, the Aburame can talk to bugs, and the Inuzuka can talk to their dogs. Why can't I talk to snakes?" he said nonchalantly, covering up his annoyance at losing the edge he had over her.

She stared at him for a long moment, not really able to fault his reasoning…

When they left the Forrest the following day, Anko did the unthinkable and told him to take the next two days off. He was so startled he nearly fell off the roof he was standing one. By the time he recovered, she was gone.

Blinking in shock, and wondering if it was the end of the world, Harry got back up and trudged slowly towards the hospital…

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"I'm home," Harry said tiredly, opening the door to their apartment.

"Onii-chan!" Naruto and Sasuke yelled, dog-piling him.

"Ouch!" he yelled as they pressed up against the bandages under his clothes. "Watch it, will you?"

The two hastily stepped back as Harry stumbled over to the couch, closing his eyes and letting the sounds of the anime the two had been watching wash over him. "Is there any ramen left? I haven't eaten anything but ration bars and things I could hunt up in days."

"I'll go check," Sasuke said, dashing off.

Naruto was poking at Harry in various places and watching as he winced in pain. "Whoa, did she bash you all over?" he said as he poked at a rather sensitive spot.

"NARUTO, CUT THAT OUT!" Harry yelled, promptly informing his neighbors down the block he was back.

Sasuke came back with a steaming bowl of ramen. "Ayame over at Ichiraku's been asking about you," he said as he set down the bowl in front of Harry.

"Oh?" Harry said, grabbing his chopsticks and starting to eat.

"Yeah, apparently, she got worried when you stopped dropping by to flirt," Sasuke said, smirking.

Harry gave his brother a dirty look. "Tell me, how's that crush on the Yamanaka girl coming along?"

"Sakura-chan _and_ the blonde?" Naruto exclaimed as Sasuke began to blush. "Man, Sasuke, you sure want to get around, don't you?"

Sasuke tried to drag up something on his two brothers and failed. Harry made no secret about his flirting, and Naruto had dropped Sakura like a hot potato as soon as he started teasing Sasuke about liking her. For the moment, they were out of his reach. He settled for the usual back up: he stuck his tongue out at them.

"Practicing to use that on the girls?" Harry said slyly as he finished his ramen. Naruto snickered.

With a growl, Sasuke started chasing his brothers around the house…

It was just another day in the Uzumaki house.

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Two days later, Harry showed up at the meeting ground he and Anko had claimed close to the memorial stone. He waved briefly to the silver-haired guy who was usually there- Kakashi, if he remembered correctly. They'd never been properly introduced, not even during that first time at the little stand he'd taken a break at so shortly before his fateful meeting with the jounin from below hell- briefly waved, and an equally brief wave back, before sitting down on top of one of the three upright logs to wait.

Sighing, Harry pulled out a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa' and started reading as he waited. It was nice to read a book _he_ hadn't edited, for once. He snickered as he read about how Rei tried to tell Hiro she had a crush on him in he middle of a mission that had them working as bath house attendants…

He was still snickering when he felt Anko arrive. Looking up, he raised an eyebrow: Anko was snickering over a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa'.

Quickly, Harry stuffed his book back into his pouch, looking alert. Anko seemed to realize where she was and quickly stuffed the book into _her_ pouch. The two faced each other, ignoring Kakashi as always.

Anko, as usual, was smirking. "Alright, we have a class-C to class-B mission today: we're supposed to guard a certain courier so he can get a certain manuscript to a certain publisher so they can publish a certain book at a certain date."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why is something like that a class-B mission?"

Anko shrugged. "Apparently, the book is very popular, and some people feel they'd rather steal the manuscript rather than wait for the book so they can read it."

Harry suddenly realized that: a) there were no copies of 'Icha Icha' scheduled for printing and, b) Anko had been there two minutes, and he still wasn't beating him up.

Anko's weird behavior continued all through the mission. Before, she'd constantly be 'testing' him by throwing _kunai_, _shuriken_, big rocks that could qualify as small boulders, logs, etc. Now, she'd pretty much leave him alone, except for occasionally throwing small rocks in his direction, more to annoy him than anything else.

She did, however, constantly bug the courier, telling him to give _her_ the manuscript for safe keeping, since she could protect it better that way, but he refused. Finally, Harry pulled out a book from his pouch, shoved it at his sensei and told her to leave their mission alone.

The book was a pre-publishing author copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa, Book 2: Lime Cream.' Yes, Harry was actually guarding the very manuscript his brother had finished writing days before.

Anko was pretty much pacified after that, although Harry knew he'd never see the book again.

They were attacked several times on their way to the publisher. Apparently, word had somehow been leaked, so about half the country tried to convince to 'lose' the manuscript for outrageous sums. Some ANBU even tried to take their mission away, although Anko took care of _those_ idiots. Harry was pretty sure he saw Yuki and Miko somewhere in the group.

In the end, Sasuke's book made it to the publisher, Harry ended up with a _ton_ of girl's phone numbers, not all from his age group, and Anko almost spoiled things anyway when she nearly lost her book because she was fighting and reading at the same time. She got it back, though…

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Over the next few weeks, Harry suddenly realized why Anko was treating him differently: strange as it may seem, she seemed to _respect_ him! Oh, she still put him through hell during training, made him do nearly all the work during missions, and insulted often, but there was a difference. She got annoyed with him when he wouldn't swear back at her, saying she wasn't about to train weakling who couldn't hold his own at anything. Heck, she threatened to _stop_ training him if he didn't swear back.

Over time, their insults took on a bizarre form of repartee. The only time there was any heat or malice in Anko's voice was when she was genuinely annoyed with him over a serious lack of progress on his part. _He _only meant what he said when she was being too lazy. She tended to do that sometimes, curling up with a 'Tsubasa' and becoming nearly oblivious to the world around her.

In short, they developed their own weird student-teacher rapport…

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"**_Sen'eijashu!_**" Anko yelled, launching the snakes from her sleeves as Harry dodged, hissing at them in Parseltongue to buzz off and slashing his _kunai_ at one who didn't listen.

"That thing's getting old, sensei," Harry taunted as he launched a blast of fire at her, which he knew she definitely feel. He kept the blast small so he wouldn't loose sight of her, though, since she had an annoying tendency to cover herself with chakra and rush through the flames.

Anko disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Harry cursed fervently as a log appeared in her place. He had a moment to sigh as he tried to block the inevitable, but Anko still managed to surprise him as she hit him with a drop kick to the head. Since Harry was in mid-air at the time, he ended up in a Harry-shaped indentation in the ground.

Anko landed next to his head. "You just can't beat the classics," she grinned as she looked down at her student. "You still good to go?"

"…five minutes, 'Mione…" Harry whimpered.

Shaking her head, Anko walked over to a nearby log and sat down to wait, pulling out 'Tsubasa, book 2'. A few minutes later, Harry pulled himself out of the hole, grimacing as he applied healing chakra to his head and thankful he wasn't suffering from a concussion.

"Break time," Anko announced cheerily, not looking up from her book. Wordlessly, Harry grabbed the two lunches he'd brought along- Anko stole his food if he didn't feed her- handed one to Anko and started eating.

"So…" Harry began casually.

"No, I'm still not teaching you **_Sen'eijashu_**," Anko said, not bothering o look at him, her attention divided between her book and the food.

"(BLEEP)," Harry muttered sullenly. "Then what's the point of using it on me all the time if you're not going to teach me?"

"I use it because it annoys the heck out of you," Anko grinned.

Harry muttered under his breath about crazy women.

Anko seemed to be feeling talkative, however. "The Hokage sent me a message yesterday," she said casually, suddenly putting Harry on high alert: Anko was _never_ casual. "He told me you'd be leaving in a couple of days, out of Fire Country. And a few days after that, you'd be leaving and won't be back for months. Why didn't you tell me?"

The last question had an edge sharp enough to split atoms, almost spat out from teeth grinding so roughly against each other it was audible. Anko suddenly grabbed Harry by the neck, causing him to drop his empty bento box as Anko pulled towards her and got in his face. "Why didn't you tell me?" she practically snarled, her eyes flashing dangerously.

"I thought the Hokage told you that you'd only be teaching me until I had to leave?" Harry managed to choke out. He wondered if he could get away with kicking her in the gut.

Growling, Anko pushed- threw might be more appropriate- threw him away from her. "You're all alike," she muttered as Harry winced himself back to a standing position.

"What the (BLEEP) are you talking about?" he said, getting back to his feet quickly. One thing about being under Anko: it had done wonders for his recovery time.

Anko seemed to ignore him. "You're all always picking me up then throwing me away to the side like trash," she snarled. "I'm not going to take it anymore! I won't! I-" anything else she might have said was cut off as Harry swiftly spin-kicked her, sending her flying off the log she was sitting on.

"**What the (BLEEP) are you talking about?**" Harry yelled, pulling out a _kunai_ and getting ready to defend himself for when his sensei started getting violent.

Anko seemed to snap out of whatever funk she was in, however. She glared at Harry, but made no move to attack- not that that meant much. "Why didn't you tell me?" she growled out, getting back to her feet. Her coat had fallen slightly off her shoulders, once more flashing her chest at Harry, who was pretty much desensitized at this point, so he only flicked his eyes in that direction for a moment.

Harry shrugged. "I didn't think it was important," he said, not dropping his guard one bit and getting ready to run in case he needed to…

She glared at him. "Put that down and sit," she said, pointing at the log. Grimacing, Harry hesitated a moment before obeying, not putting his _kunai_ back in his holster.

"So you're leaving," Anko said, sitting down as well. "When are you coming back?"

"In nine months," Harry said.

Anko nodded thoughtfully. "We're done for today," she said, standing abruptly and started walking away. "Don't slack off when you get to wherever it is you're going. I'll be waiting when you get back next year."

Harry watched in confusion as his sensei walked away…

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The next day, Anko wasn't there. Harry waited the whole day before deciding to call it quits. She wasn't there the next day, either. Or the next. Or the next. Or the next…

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**- To be continued…**

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A/N: For those worrying distribution of power, I present my case. The reasons they were obsessive trainers in the canon is, in Naruto's case, a desire to be acknowledged by the village, and in Sasuke's case, a desire for revenge. Here, Naruto has a family who loves him, so he doesn't want acknowledgment as much. Same for Sasuke, as he isn't as Itachi obsessed. He trains to protect his current family, so that history won't repeat itself, but this training isn't nearly as obsessive as if he's out for revenge. Also, Harry has an age advantage over them, and really, who here thinks Anko is less brutal than Kakashi? Thought so.

Harry, however, feels he needs to be his brothers' protector, so he trains **_hard_**. Also, like Naruto, he has a goal/dream that requires him to be very powerful. Even if he doesn't train as often in Hogwarts, Anko will be enough to make up for it, assuming he at least maintains his current level of training when at Hogwarts. Of course, he's not going to be chuunin any time soon, but that's all part of the story…

I also see Anko as having abandonment issues.

Sorry for the lack of Sasuke and Naruto content. They get more air time in the next chap.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. CoS, Genin Remix Part1! Diagon Alley

A/N: and now, the corruption of the entire wizarding community!

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 6: Chamber of Secrets, Genin Remix Part1! Diagon Alley

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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"About time you got here, you old pervert!" Harry yelled at a smiling Jiraiya, waving a letter at the older man's face. "What took you so long? Your letter said you'd be here three days ago!"

"Sorry," Jiraiya said, "but I was passing through this town and I remembered there was this nice bordello, and then–"

"I don't want to hear it!" Harry yelled as Naruto and Sasuke came up behind him. He grabbed the sannin's left arm while his brother's grabbed his right. "Come on! We have to go buy my school supplies! The Portkey's been with the old man for days! We are _not_ wasting any more time! I promised Naruto and Sasuke I'd show them around Diagon Alley!"

The two nodded in confirmation.

The three Uzumakis dragged off their 'uncle' Jiraiya in the general direction of the Hokage's office.

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"You think Harry will be here?" Hermione asked as she, Ron and the Weasleys started climbing up the stairs leading to Gringotts.

Before Ron could respond, a voice whispered in Hermione's ear. "Why don't you ask me yourself, cutey?"

Hermione jerked around, startling everyone. Behind her, Harry was grinning like a lunatic, hands casually crossed in front of his chest, wearing cargo pants, a camouflage shirt and his usual _hitai-ate_, weapons pouch and holster. Next to him were the two boys who he'd introduced as his brothers, who were in the middle of rolling their eyes and shaking their heads at their brother's actions.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed in surprise, not expecting to see her dark-haired friend.

Said boy gave her a casual two-fingered wave. "Yo, 'Mione," he greeted, acting for all the world like his clothes practically didn't point a spotlight on him and highlight him for the whole Wizarding population.

"Harry!" Fred exclaimed, rushing forward to shake his hand. "_Wonder_-ful to see you mate–

"– charming– " George added.

"– spiffing– "

"– just grand– "

Harry chuckled indulgently, letting the two keep pumping his arms up and down as they pleased, but his eyes had already sought out and locked on to Ginny, who was suddenly blushing and trying to hide behind Mrs. Weasley.

"All right, all right, I think he gets the idea," Ron said, rolling his eyes and pulling the two off his best friend. "Hey, Harry."

"Hey, Ron," Harry said, nodding. "How was summer?"

Ron shrugged. "Not bad. You?"

"Hell on Earth," Harry said, mouth twisting slightly. "I'd rather have detention with Snape."

Behind him, Hermione saw his two brothers exchange knowing looks. She had a sinking feeling Harry _would _rather prefer detention with Snape over what he'd been doing over the summer.

"Well, let's not stand around here, shall we?" Harry said, rubbing his hands together and bounding forward towards the bank's front doors. "Come on, you two!"

As Harry dragged his two brothers through the doors, the Weasleys (and Hermione) heard an annoyed sound. Turning, they were greeted to the sight of the man Harry had identified as his guardian, this time wearing strange red and green clothes and carrying what looked like an oversized scroll on his back. "Crazy kid," he muttered, shaking his head. Seeing that he had an audience, the man broke into a smile. "Sorry we weren't properly introduced last time. I am Jiraiya, the Great Frog Hermit!" he said, breaking out into his crazy dance. Everyone sweatdropped.

A _kunai_ flew out the doors of Gringotts, striking Jiraiya squarely on his metal-covered forehead. "HEY! GET IN HERE YOU OLD PERVERT!" was the chorus of three voices.

Grumbling and rubbing his head as he climbed the stairs (the others eventually following suit), Jiraiya followed his young charges.

"Jiraiya?" Fred whispered to George. "Isn't he the one who wrote _those_ books?"

Realization sparkled in the other twin's eyes. Hermione remembered the comment from last year and suddenly became very nervous. Percy looked like he was told he'd be Minister of Magic for a day.

After getting money from the vaults (and doing a little paperwork that allowed Naruto and Sasuke to withdraw from his account), they were off. Percy, Fred and George went off on their own business, Mr. Weasely took the Granger's to the Leaky Cauldron for a drink, and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny went to shop for second-hand robes– much to Harry's disappointment ("Chear up, bro," Naruto said. "You can put the moves on her later," Sasuke added. "OW!" the two chorused as Harry slapped them upside the head). Jiraiya disappeared, leaving the three Uzumaki's to pray that there weren't any public bathhouses nearby.

"Public bathhouses?" Ron asked.

Harry made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a snort. "Yeah. The old pervert likes to peep in on women. Says it's 'research' for his books."

"So he's really _the_ Jiraiya?" Ron said as Hermione looked both shocked and disapproving.

Naruto, Sasuke and Harry shuddered. "Please let him be the only one," Sasuke said.

Naruto nodded fervently in agreement. "I don't think the world can stand _two_ super perverts!"

Harry agreed with his brothers. "Yeah, he's _the_ Jiraiya. Why?"

Ron's face lit up. "_Brilliant!_ Do you think I can ask him for an autograph?"

The three Uzumakis looked at Ron, and Harry turned away, chuckling under his breath.

"Pervert," Naruto said quite clearly.

Ron turned quite red, spluttering as he tried to protest.

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione declared. "I cannot believe you! Why, if your mother knew what you were reading, she would have some words to say to you! I am shocked, absolutely _shocked_, that you would even consider reading such a book!"

As Ron turned redder in embarrassment, Harry chuckled and patted Ron comfortingly on the shoulder. He looked Hermione right in the eye. "Well, Hermione, if you're so unappreciative, I guess I won't be giving you book two on your birthday like you requested."

Hermione turned a cute shade of red as Ron stared at her incredulously. She gave a weak and unconvincing chuckle. "Do you think your guardian can spare an autograph for me, too?"

Harry grinned widely, wrapping an arm around both his friends' shoulders as he suggested they go for ice-cream, Sasuke and Naruto following behind. The black-haired boy was chuckling under his breath and muttering in Japanese about crazy _gaijin_.

"Perverts," Naruto said, shaking his head in squinty-eyed, Naruto-frowning disapproval. "All of them, perverts!"

After an hour of ice-cream, shopping, and meeting people, they found themselves standing outside Flourish and Blotts, looking at the back of a large crowd– which seemed mostly composed of middle-aged witches– jostling at the doors and trying to get in.

"Is it usually like this, onii-chan?" Sasuke asked, looking at the crowd warily. It looked claustrophobic in there.

"Reminds me of one of Ero-sannin's book-signings," Naruto said.

Harry shrugged, not sure what all the fuss was about himself. "Wasn't like this last year. Wonder what the big deal is?"

"Oh, isn't it obvious!" Hermione said, pointing to the banner above the doors. She squealed, a sound so un-Hermione-like that Harry almost wondered who had been impersonating his friend. "_Gilderoy Lockhart! _We can actually meet him! I mean, he's written almost the whole booklist!"

Harry and Ron exchanged a look, wondering if they could get away with pretending they didn't know Hermione. Sasuke was suddenly reminded of some of his more obsessed fangirls and shivered. Naruto was suddenly reminded of some of Sasuke's more obsessed fangirls and snickered.

The five managed to squeeze inside, Harry simply leaping on to the ceiling and sticking to it for a while before dropping down to a relatively clear spot. Ron and Hermione were too pre-occupied to notice, and were surprised when they found Harry already inside, already grabbing copies of books. Sasuke and Naruto were immediately drafted to help carry.

When they sneaked up the line, they found the Weasleys standing with the Grangers and a perverted ninja. The latter seemed to be chatting pleasantly with Hermione's father, who was looking rather relaxed.

"Oh, there you are, good," Mrs. Weasely said, sounding breathless and patting her hair. "We'll be able to see him in a minute…"

Funny, Harry had never envisioned Mrs. Weasley as the fangirl-type…

Looking around as they waited, Harry spotted a lot of males standing around with disgruntled expressions, and pegged them down as annoyed husbands and boyfriends. When he pointed them out to Sasuke, the boy shuddered again. Apparently, he was also familiar with the type.

When Gilderoy Lockhart came into view, Harry was immediately let down. "That's it?" he said, annoyed. He'd been expecting some kind of otherworldly _bishonen_ type, with long, wavy hair, and intense persona and maybe flower petals blowing everywhere before a backdrop of a setting sun. Instead, there was…

A mimbo. Man-bimbo.

The wavy hair was there –blond; big surprise– but it was obviously high maintenance. He must stay up half the night just getting it to curl like that, never mind keeping it clean. His chin looked pretty weak, too. The blue eyes were _too_ dazzling, as if he used illegal eye-shine enhancers on them or something. And speaking of the illegal shine…

Harry was suddenly reminded of the insane jounin he saw in Konoha, the one who wore green spandex. Mentally, he cut and pasted his image and compared it with this guy's. Yup, they were a match. He wondered if the two of them were somehow related. Sure, they looked nothing alike, but that smile… that horrible, shiny, sparkly, twinkly, _smile_…!

Harry's ruminations on the possible relation between the two were interrupted as he heard Jiraiya not-so-quietly disparaging the guy. A lot of what he said was right on the money in Harry's opinion, and he could see Mr. Granger and Mr. Weasley nodding along in agreement, as well as some of the earlier mentioned disgruntled husbands and boyfriends, to the displeasure of many of the women present. One of the wizards who worked in the store suddenly appeared and asked him to keep it down. There was a hastily muted conversation that Harry couldn't hear. The line shuffled a little closer towards Lockhart.

At one point, Jiraiya seemed to make a polite inquiry, pulling a letter out of his clothes. The wizard took one look at it, and suddenly bowed almost all the way to the ground, tried to shake Jiraiya's hand, seemed to think better of it, and disappeared.

"Oh boy…" Harry said, knowing what was coming up next.

"What is it?" Ron said, Hermione, Naruto and Sasuke leaning in to listen.

"The pervert's been recognized," was all Harry said. Ron and Hermione seemed confused, but Naruto and Sasuke…

Sasuke sighed, and stepped out of the line, moving towards a nearby alcove against the wall, as if getting ready for something. Naruto started muttering under his breath about perverts.

Ron looked like he was going to ask what was going on, but suddenly had other things to think about as a short, irritable looking man with a camera suddenly stepped on his foot.

"Out of the way, there," the man said, not even apologizing. "This is for the _Daily Prophet._"

"Big deal," Ron said, rubbing his foot.

Lockhart, of course, heard him. He looked, saw Ron… saw Harry. Cue the stare. Then he leapt to his feet and said, "It _can't_ be Ha–"

Suddenly, there was a commotion as a pair of Wizards suddenly appeared next to Lockhart and started to shuffle him away. Another started packing up the promotional displays. The crowd started whispering, sounding mutinous, while Lockhart started asking what the heck was going on.

"Sorry sir," Harry distinctly heard one of the wizards taking Lockhart away say, "But a celebrity has arrived recently and will be needing your spot."

"Here we go…" Sasuke said.

There was a whirled of confused and angry witches as suddenly, there was a different display where Lockhart had been sitting, with stacks upon stacks of little orange books. Jiraiya was now sitting there, beaming widely and looking as weird as ever.

"Ladies," at this, there was an angry roar, "and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce, available for today only, the esteemed Jiraiya!"

There was a sudden roar of approbation, and behind them, Harry was fairly sure what he'd see if he turned around. So he did. Yup, right on the money.

A long line of the formerly disgruntled husbands and boyfriend were now queued behind them, each holding a little orange book in hand. A few fights broke out over who got precedence. The disgruntled and annoyed husbands and boyfriends were suddenly replaced with disgruntled and annoyed wives and girlfriends.

"Mister Jiraiya, writer of the critically acclaimed 'Make Out Paradise'," at this, there was a thundering roar from the males in line, waving their books in the air, "has sportingly agreed to an impromptu signing session. If everyone would please line up…"

Mrs. Weasley looked shell-shocked, and was insensate for the whole time they were at the bookstore.

Hermione, now at the head of the line, looked like a deer caught at the headlights.

"Is there something I can help you with, little girl?" Jiraiya asked pleasantly.

Shakily, Hermione pulled a little orange book out of her pocket. She gulped, and said, in an almost-whisper, "I was wondering if I could have your autograph…"

Gilderoy Lockhart wasn't seen or heard from all day…

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At some point in the book signing, Harry was somehow dragged to the front with Jiraiya for pictures. In retaliation, he dragged Ron, Hermione, Naruto and Sasuke in front as well, trapping them there with the simple expedient of putting his arms around them, Hermione was still clutching her book, looking absolutely mortified. Luckily for her, her parents weren't looking.

After getting out of the media trap, Harry made his way to the edge of the room, carrying his books in one hand as if they weighed nothing. He brightened as he saw Ginny standing there with her new cauldron. Before he could think of anything to say– or rather, _say_ it, since he already had something to say– he felt a familiar presence coming up behind him, and he sighed, putting down his books next to the cauldron where they'll be out of the way. "What do you want, Malfoy?" he said, not turning around.

"Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?" came the usual sneering tone as Harry turned around, completely relaxed with his hands entwined behind his head. "_Famous_ Harry Potter! Can't even go into a _bookshop_ without making the front page."

"Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" Ginny said before Harry could formulate a response–or at least, give the response he'd formulated.

"Potter, you've got yourself a _girlfriend_!" Malfoy drawled. Ginny went scarlet.

Harry took the situation and decided to have fun with it, a plan already in place in his head. Sighing dramatically, he put an arm around her just as Ron, Hermione, Naruto and Sasuke fought their way over. "Yes, Malfoy, it's true. I have girlfriend now. Will you now realize you don't have a chance, never had a chance to begin with?"

Malfoy, Ron and Hermione blinked, while Naruto and Sasuke rolled their eyes, grinned, and wished they had some ramen to eat as they watched the show. "What are you talking about, Potter?" Malfoy demanded, loosing his stride.

"Malfoy, Malfoy, you don't have to keep it secret anymore," Harry said, sounding both mournful and understanding as he struggled to keep a straight face. "I know you have a crush on me. Who can resist my dashing good looks, my boyish charms? But really, I don't swing that way you little degenerate, so buzz off already! You're just embarrassing yourself striving to gain my attentions with your pitiful attempts at masochism! I don't swing _that_ way, either!"

Malfoy went pale as Naruto, Sasuke, Ron, and Hermione burst out laughing.

"Ron!" Mr. Weasley said, pushing his way through as he subtly tried to push an orange book deeper into his robes. Behind him, Fred and George were comparing the autographs on their books. "What's going on here?"

"Well, well, well– Arthur Weasley."

Harry looked at the newest arrival. The blond hair, the way he had a hand on a fuming Draco's shoulder, the condescending tone… everything about him screamed 'related to this little idiot!'.

"Draco!" Harry said brightly before Mr. Weasley could respond to the sneer. "Aren't you going to introduce us to your mother?"

The others, Mr. Weasley included, tried to choke back laughs and failed miserably as Malfoy senior turned to a smirking Harry, who still had his arm wrapped around Ginny.

"I don't believe we've been introduced," was the cold reply as Malfoy senior looked Harry up and down, focusing on the scar visible under Harry's forehead protector.

Harry made a gracious bow, as a superior to an inferior, and Mr. Malfoy's lip curled. "Harry Potter at your service, Mrs. Malfoy, and I must say, I can see very well were your daug– er, _son_, gets his good looks from. It's only right a woman such as yourself gets such a child!"

At this point, Mr. Weasley was laughing outright, with the children not far behind.

Mr. Malfoy glared, not sure how to reply to that. Instead, he turned to Mr. Weasley, idly plucking a very old, very battered copy of _A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration_ from Ginny's cauldron, his hands shaking as if he wanted to have them around something else– like Harry's neck, maybe. "Such company you keep, Weasley… and I thought your family could sink no lower…"

"Well, they have to," Harry said for Mr. Weasley, who looked like he wanted to reply to the insult, but was laughing too hard to do so. "When you're at the top, it's the only way to meet little people like yourself. Always be nice to the littlest people, Professor Dumbledore always said… and it doesn't get any lower than this fruitloop over here…"

There was a thud of metal as Ginny's cauldron went flying; Malfoy had thrown himself at Harry, who was grinning widely. Pushing Ginny gently out of the way, he proceeded to go to town on the other boy, amidst cries of "GO, ONII-CHAN!" (Naruto and Sasuke), "GET HIM, HARRY!" (Fred and George), and "NO, Draco, NO!" (Mr. Malfoy).

Eventually, they were broken up. Well, actually, no, that would be a lie. Harry had a _kunai_ to a badly bruised and beaten Malfoy's neck and was talking straight into his ear. "That's the closest thing to sex you'll get from me, you deviant. Just a little something for you to remember when you marry Crabbe and Goyle," Harry said, pushing him towards his father and idly licking the blade of his knife for effect. The two started to shuffle off, the older shoving the textbook he was still holding towards Ginny angrily. "It was a pleasure meeting you too, Mrs. Malfoy!"

It was a laughing party that left Jiraiya in Flourish and Blotts that day. Mrs. Weasley, however, was still shell-shocked.

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"Hey, what's down there?" Harry asked as they made their way to the Leaky Cauldron, his arm still around Ginny (hey, she wasn't saying anything). The Grangers were leaving to go home, and the Weasleys were going to Floo back using the fireplace.

"Hmm?" Mr. Weasley said, still chuckling over what had happened at the shop. His face darkened slightly when he saw where Harry was pointing. "Oh. That's Knockturn Alley. Dodgy place. Full of the Dark Arts."

That piqued Harry's interest. "Dark Arts?" he repeated. "Could you clarify that?"

Mr. Weasley snuck a look towards the Grangers, then leaned in close to whisper to Harry. Naruto and Sasuke leaned in to listen. "Dark Arts are… the Dark Arts. It's evil magic. The kind You-Know-Who used."

Harry blinked. "Like the– what were they called?– Unforgivable Curses? Things that can kill a man with one hit, torture endlessly, cause pain like they were going to die?"

Mr. Weasley nodded, clearly feeling uncomfortable. "Yes. Best you stay… away?" he blinked, realizing he was talking to himself. Looking around, he saw Harry and his brothers racing to be the first into Knockturn Alley. "HARRY! COME BACK HERE! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO IN THERE!"

It took the Mr. Weasley and Hagrid– who he met on the way– the better part of three hours to corner the three Uzumakis. They brothers always seemed to be one step ahead of them, splitting up and confusing their pursuers. The fact that the denizens of the Alley itself seemed to be trying to keep them apart didn't help, although they _did_ find more than one person with a stab wound on him somewhere (people had tried to kidnap them and were promptly taught it was a stupid idea to try that on a shinobi– or even a shinobi in training).

Eventually, the two men caught up with the boys, who were standing in front of a store and looking strangely meek. They wasted no time dragging them off towards the Leaky Cauldron, berating them about running away like that and making them worry. And to Knockturn Alley, of all places!

The three just nodded along, saying all the right things and looking properly remorseful when Mrs. Weasley said her piece. it was only when they'd bid Hermione good bye and were having a little supper at the Cauldron(the Weasleys were staying to give Harry, Naruto and Sasuke a little company while they waited for Jiraiya's impromptu book-signing to get done)…

"So, what really happened?" Fred said as he, George and Ron leaned in close to the three brothers.

Making sure the older Weasleys weren't paying them any attention, Harry's face split into a wide grin. He reached into one of his pants' pockets and pulled out a dagger a little over a foot long. It's sheath was a dull black, so that it wouldn't reflect the light. Harry unsheathed it, baring the blade. It was also dulled, and shaped like an elongated spade with a long notch on each side close to the hilt ("For catching other daggers," Harry explained). Running through the center was a long transparent tube leading into the hilt. The handle was wrapped in good leather and guaranteed not to slip.

"That tube is for carrying poison to the edge," Harry explained quietly. He gestured to six studs within convenient reach of a persons thumb under the guard. "A person can load up to six different kinds of poison into it, and enchantments keep the substances from mixing. You still have to be careful about cutting yourself, though. But that's not the best part!"

With a strange, complicated twisting action, Harry popped the pommel of the dagger off, revealing the inside to be hollow. "It's designed for you to be able to store your wand inside it! That way, you can surprise your opponent by casting a spell even though it looks like you don't have a wand!"

"Wicked!" the twins chorused.

Ron looked perturbed, though. "Shouldn't something like that be illegal?"

Harry blinked at him innocently. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you Ron?" Yup, so innocent, any judge would mark him guilty for it alone.

Ron blushed, but turned to Sasuke. "Did _you_ get anything?"

Sasuke looked at Harry, waiting for his nod before pulling out… Ron recoiled in horror, barely keeping down an exclamation. In the boy's hand was a shriveled hand. "Bloody hell–?"

"It's a 'Hand of Glory'," Sasuke explained. "It's supposed to give light only to the wielder. Pretty cool in my book."

Almost afraid to ask, Ron turned to Naruto. "And you? What did _you_ get?"

"Nothing," Naruto said simply. "There wasn't anything cool enough there."

Harry rolled his eyes, slipping the dagger into it's sheath and tucking it into his hip pouch ans standing up. "I don't see why you didn't get that cool sword. 'Scuse me, nature calls."

When Harry was out of sight, Naruto quickly leaned in looking around just as Harry had been. "I brought this really old book," he whispered excitedly. "I'm planning to give it to onii-chan for Christmas."

Sasuke nodded. "My plan was to give him this thing on Christmas too."

Ron frowned, wondering what kind of book…– suddenly recalling where they'd been, he thought it better not to know.

They were half-way through supper before Jiraiya finally showed up (to much applause and handshaking with the male population of the inn). Mrs. Weasley was quietly disapproving of him, but the Weasley males chatted him right up. Percy, for one, didn't seem to want to leave his side, even as Jiraiya and the Uzumakis were leaving for home.

Harry always knew Percy was a big closet pervert…

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The day after they got back from Diagon Alley, Harry immediately went to the Academy to ask Iruka-sensei for pointers on how to use a dagger like the one he'd bought. Anko was still MIA, and he wasn't stupid enough to go looking for her. He wanted to live, attend Hogwarts and make moves on Ginny (and maybe a couple of other girls, if they were interesting enough), thank you very much.

Iruka managed to give him a couple of tips, as well as a scroll that contained some basic and intermediate dagger-fighting moves. Harry spent the remainder of the summer practicing with his new weapon, both as a knife and as a hidden wand. The logging industry took a slight rise in business as Harry tore through practice logs at a furious rate.

Harry also shopped around for poisons to put in his dagger. He had soon loaded his weapon with a paralytic, a tranquilizer, a pain-inducer, a slow-acting non-lethal, a muscle relaxant, and, just for kicks, a flammable liquid that also happened to be an acid (for a really cool burning blade effect!). He also stocked up on antidotes, making a note to stock up– read: raid the cupboard at Hogwarts– on bezoars and study more poisons at school.

The only down side was that he might have to suck up to Snape to learn new lethal mixtures. UGH!

Well, at least he wasn't Anko…

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Harry unknowingly spoiled Dobby's 'Save Harry Potter!' plan by Portkey-ing straight to Platform Nine and Three Quarters, by-passing the entrance completely. Still, Dobby, being the stubborn and 'not exactly all there' person that he was, went to his impromptu Plan B.

Harry was just settling down to his seat, his nose firmly lodged into the intermediate scroll Iruka had given him, when he suddenly whirled, his new dagger in hand, the other grabbing Dobby around the neck as the little house-elf was in the process of trying to mess with Harry's trunk. "What do you think you're doing?" Harry hissed dangerously.

What happened next really messed up the mood. The house-elf took one look at Harry and suddenly let go of the trunk and started bowing despite the hand holding him and the brandished dagger. "Harry Potter!" Dobby squeaked. "So long has Dobby wanted to meet you sir… Such an honor it is…"

Harry blinked, slightly thrown off his stride. He tried to get back on track. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Dobby, sir. Dobby the house-elf," Dobby said.

"Alright, Dobby," Harry said, raising the blade up to Dobby's chin and ready to activate the acid flow. "Why are you messing with my stuff?"

Dobby gulped. "Dobby is trying to save you, sir."

Harry raised an eyebrow, amused. "Save me?" he said. "From what?"

"Dark and terrible things will happen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year," Dobby said, suddenly shaking. "Dobby has known of it for months! That is why Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

Harry blinked, taking that in. "You lost me there."

"Harry Potter must be safe," Dobby said. "If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be in terrible danger! That is why Harry Potter must not go!"

With that, Dobby started tugging on Harry's luggage again, as if trying to pull it out of the rack.

By now, Harry wasn't sure if he should be amused or annoyed. One thing was for sure, however: this little thing wasn't a threat. Releasing Dobby, he sat back, the dagger relaxed in his hand. "What danger?"

Dobby cringed. "Dobby cannot say, Harry Potter," he said, and starting banging his head on the floor. Harry raised an eyebrow, watching the house-elf abuse himself, before giving an exasperated sigh and grabbing his arm.

"Stop that," he said.

By now, the sounds of the other students were wafting through the train. Harry could distinctly hear an annoyingly familiar laugh echo through the halls. Looks like the ferret had landed.

Dobby's eyes suddenly went wide. "I must go! Remember what I said, Harry Potter: _don't go to Hogwarts!_"

With that, Dobby disappeared, leaving Harry grasping empty air. Harry raised the other eyebrow.

"I have got to learn that."

After checking around the compartment for Dobby, just in case he was still hanging around, Harry opened his trunk to see if anything had been disturbed. Everything was still where he'd put them last night… or was it?

Reaching into the bottom, he tugged aside some books and shirts, revealing a small bundle of three scrolls. A piece of paper had been wrapped around it, held in place by a rubber band.

The scrolls had definitely _not_ been there last night!

Very wary, Harry carefully pulled back the piece of paper, letting out a breath when it wasn't an exploding tag. Rolling back the rubber band, he unfolded the piece of paper, and his eyebrows nearly mated with his hairline as he read the short, hastily and roughly written message, which looked like it had nearly torn into the paper at spots.

The message was short: '**_DON'T SLACK OFF!_**'

Gulping and wondering when the psycho had been into his house–while he was sleeping! (since he hadn't let his trunk out of his sight until getting into the train)– he shakily put down the note, afraid it might have poison powder on it or something equally Anko-ish. Yes, he would _definitely_ need to stock up on bezoars.

His hands still shaking slightly, he opened the scroll on top, the dagger scroll lying forgotten on the ground). His breath caught.

Written clearly on the scroll, in Anko's rough, forceful hand, was _Sen'eijashu_…

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: For some reason, I keep writing Hermione as a closet pervert…

I'll reveal the contents of the other scrolls next chap (which should be in half a year -_evil grin_-)

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. CoS, Genin Remix Part2! Hogwarts Again!

A/N: I always wondered what could happen wit– er_, to _Myrtle…

-_boggles at suggestion reviewer made_- **_Harry?_** A _TOAD_ Patronus? Uh, no. Those things aren't _nearly_ as impressive as a stag. Besides, I think the only reason Jiraiya's toads are so impressive is because some of them can weight as much as a baby elephant…

This one is pretty long, but there are a lot of scenes I wanted to put in…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: Chamber of Secrets, Genin Remix Part2! Hogwarts Again!

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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Harry waited for the welcoming feast to end and for the students to be sent back to their dorms before he went up to the staff table. Harry ignored Lockhart as he went up the Dumbledore, paper bag in hand.

"Ah, good to see you again, Mister Potter," Dumbledore said. "What can we do for you?"

Harry held out the bag. "I come bearing gifts!"

As Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, Harry reached inside and started pulling out little orange books. "This is book 2! It won't be coming out in England for at least another year, but Jiraiya wants his original test audience's opinion." Harry grinned. "Your letters were very useful in helping me to get the books right for the European audience."

McGonagall looked up in surprise at that. "Help _you_?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, _yeah!_" he said as he turned away. "I'm the editor."

The staff boggled at Harry, trying to reconcile the foulmouthed, very flirty, slightly womanizing, loyal and very Gryffindor boy to their image of the constantly salivating, highly perverted editor of these books. Not surprisingly, there seemed to be a mismatch.

Lockhart, however, was looking very put off. "Hey! Where's _my_ book?"

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Harry had to wonder just how closely Anko had been watching him. Seriously, _how the (BLEEP) _did she know he'd been after this _jutsu_?

It had been a fluke, really. He'd heard about it while he'd been researching healing _jutsus_ (back when Anko had still been sending him to the hospital). While he'd searched, he'd come across a reference to the jutsu in a scroll and made the intellectual leap that using it would make his normal _taijutsu_ could become as potent as the Hyuuga's _Jyuuken_.

Chakra Scalpel, _chakra no mesu. _

A technique that lets one cut up the insides of an opponent? Oh, he was _so_ there!

The third scroll was an anatomy text, detailing muscle groups, blood vessels and other vulnerable points. Handwritten notes in Anko's hand pointed out points easiest to hit, both with the Chakra Scalpel and his new dagger.

Harry just shook his head, incredulous. She knew about _that_,too? He didn't know whether to feel warm and fuzzy that his teacher had gone through all this trouble for him even though she was ticked off or fear for his life since she'd obviously been stalking him without his knowledge!

Oh, and he'd been right that she'd put something on the scrolls. From the way his skin got red and inflamed, it was concentrated Fire Country poison ivy extract powder, just a couple of grades away from the kind they used to torture prisoners. He'd have to get her back for that somehow…

Although he _really_ wanted to get started on the _Chakra no Mesu_, a part of him insisted he work on _Sen'eijashu _first. After all, he'd been bugging his sensei about it for weeks, so it was only right he look at it first.

He was glad he did. The technique proved to be something of a challenge. At least it didn't require him to form a contract with snakes or something. _That_ would be annoying. He didn't know anyone with a snake contract. Well, except for that Orochimaru guy Jiraiya would sometimes rant about when he was drunk…

He had trouble since he didn't have Anko around to spot him, but after a lot of work, he thought he had the technique about right. Soon, he was shooting snakes out of his sleeves as if he'd always been able to. His snakes weren't really talkative, being more _jutsu_ constructs than actual animal, but he found that verbally ordering them to move in a certain direction helped with his accuracy.

He was, however, fairly certain that Anko would kill him when he got back for irrevocably bastardizing the technique.

The Chakra Scalpel turned out to be a bigger challenge than he thought. It required precise chakra control. While he had enough of that to get the thing running (the amount of chakra not being a real issue), it left much to be desired. He constantly had to keep the edges coherent, not to mention getting the scalpel itself to only attack the internal target. Things were made more difficult by the fact he didn't have anything to target it on. He tried turning things into mice (_finally_, his Transfiguration final exam was turning out useful, if in reverse!) but because he wasn't an expert in mouse anatomy. Plus he couldn't stand the noise the things made when he killed them!

Still, like his _Sen'eijashu_, he was finally able to produce a workable version of the _Chakra no Mesu_, one he could maintain while he practiced his _taijutsu_. The edges were reasonably sharp, with decent penetration (as proven by the last mouse he used it on), so he decided to stick with it for the moment, although he constantly tried to improve the two techniques over the course of the year, as, while working, they were far from perfect.

He did all this on top of his daily early morning runs over the lake, and his redoubled _taijutsu_ training, which now involved working on his dagger skills (the thing handled _very _differently from a _kunai_), bare-handed fighting using the Chakra Scalpel, and learning to memorize the target points in the anatomy scroll. He was 101.1 sure that if he couldn't show Anko he'd paid attention to her scrolls, she'd castrate him.

Idly, he wondered how she and Snape would get along, then tried to kill that line of thought. It would be hell, pure and simple.

And let's not forget his _school_work…

----------------------------------------

The first interesting thing to happen all year was the incident with Colin Creevey. Well, actually, it was more fun than interesting…

He was talking with Ron about Quidditch– (_BLEEP_), he missed having someone to talk to about that!– when he sighed in mid sentence and said, "What do you want, _gaki?_"

He glared at the mousey-haired boy who was staring at him while holding a camera. The boy turned bright red, and for an instant, he was reminded of how some girls reacted when he or Sasuke looked at them. He _really_ hoped this guy wasn't gay. Granted, he looked young, but still…

"All right, Harry?" the boy said breathlessly. "I'm– I'm Colin Creevey. I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think– would it be all right if– can I have a picture?"

Colin raised the camera hopefully.

Harry grinned. "Sure, why not? But only if my friends are in it too, okay?"

Colin was only too happy to agree, so Hermione was dragged from where she was reading _Voyages with Vampires_ to pose with him and Ron. They set the camera on timer so Colin could be in the shot with them as well. It was pretty much okay, until Colin asked if he'd sign the thing when it was developed. Who else would show up but…

"_Signed photos?_ You're giving out _signed photos_, Potter?" Malfoy drawled, his voice ringing loudly across the courtyard as he came up behind Colin, goons present. "Everyone queue up! Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"

Without missing a beat, Harry thrust his hand into the front of Malfoy's robes and pulled out a little orange book. "PARKINSON!" Harry yelled, waving the book in the air.

The girl appeared instantly, as she was seldom far from Malfoy. She saw the book and paled.

"Parkinson," Harry began calmly. "I gave explicit orders that the ferret never get his grubby hands on one of these. I was led to believe they were being carried out. Why does Malfoy have this?"

He waved the book in her face.

Parkinson gulped, ignoring the outraged and betrayed look on Malfoy's face. "I don't know…"

Harry shook his head theatrically in disappointment. "And to think… all right, Parkinson, from now on, I'm taking this book back. Slytherin now has only one copy to go around."

Harry ignored the horrified gasps of all the Slytherins in hearing range as he continued. "The other copy is now in _your_ specific protection. You can do anything you want with it for the whole of the year. You can flush it down the toilet, sleep with it, bathe with it, I don't care as long as you do two thing: you return it to me at the end of the year… and you never, ever let Malfoy read so much as a letter of it, or else I'll take it back. Is that clear?"

Parkinson had turned paler than Malfoy. The other Slytherins weren't looking so healthy either. She nodded, glared at Malfoy warningly as she held a protective hand to a certain bulge in her pocket, and disappeared, the other Slytherins forming a human wall between her and Malfoy, protecting their last copy.

The ferret was left looking betrayed. Crabbe and Goyle were shuffling nervously, as if wondering if maybe they should get as far away from him as possible.

Grinning at Colin, who was staring at him in wide-eyed admiration, Harry pulled out a copy of the first 'Icha Icha' from his hip pouch (ignoring Hermione's cry of protest), took a pen, and signed both books before handing it to Colin. "Here. A little souvenir for you. Make sure to read it now."

Bowing profusely, Colin went, barely remembering to bring his camera in his haste as he held the two books protectively to his chest.

"HARRY!" Hermione cried.

Harry just shrugged at her. "The boy has to learn eventually, Hermy."

----------------------------------------

Harry hated Defense Against the Dark Arts right off the bat.

The hate started when he found out that Lockhart mimbo was the one teaching. Somehow, he _really_ couldn't picture the bishounen wannabe as doing a good job. Sure, in the shinobi workscape, there were people as vain as he, but those were usually the ones so powerful they could afford to be that silly without losing respect (and of course there were those like him who were just naturally good looking…).

Then came the class itself.

After the opening joke, Harry knew one thing: Iruka would probably kill the guy for making a mockery of the teaching profession.

Then came the written test.

After the fifth Gilderoy Lockhart question, Harry just rolled back his eyes, leaned on his chair and took a nap. Forget kill, Iruka-sensei would probably torture the man for as long as possible.

Things got interesting, however, when he got around to the cage.

"Now– be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to Wizard kind! You may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room. Know that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm," Lockhart intoned dramatically, looking all dramatic as he stood at his desk.

Harry fought the urge to yawn.

Lockhart placed a hand on top of the cover of the cage on his desk. "I must ask you not to scream," he said, his voice lowering appropriately. It might provoke them!

With that, he dramatically whipped off the cover. "_YES! Freshly caught Cornish Pixies!_"

Seamus Finnigan let out a snort. Harry slammed a palm to his face, completely disgusted. If Iruka got his hands on this guy, he'd never die; he'd be kept alive forever in an eternal state of torture!

Then the idiot opened the cage…

Harry wondered if Iruka would need an assistant during the torturing.

----------------------------------------

Harry, Fred and George stood behind Wood as the Quidditch captain confronted the Slytherin team.

"But I booked the pitch!" Wood said, raging as the rest of the team joined them. "I booked it!"

"Ah," Flint said, "but I've got a special note here from Professor Snape. _I, Professor S. Snape, give the Slytherin Quidditch team permission to practice today on the Quidditch field, owing to the need to train their new Seeker._"

"You've got a new Seeker?" Wood said, distracted. "Where?"

Cue Malfoy, smirking like he always did.

Harry rolled his eyes, and spoke before anyone on the Gryffindor team could. "They let _you_ on the team? Oh man, you guys are more pathetic than I thought. What, did you sell your talent and any chance of winning for the fancy new brooms?"

He'd already noticed those weren't the same brooms they'd had last year.

Flint smirked. "Very latest model," he boasted. "Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones. Sweeps the competition off the field."

"Sweeping's probably the only thing they're good for," Harry said dryly, looking at the brooms in contempt. "Because I sincerely doubt any of you have the skill or brains to use them for anything else."

The Gryffindor team snickered as the Slytherins glared, giving Harry nasty looks, which proved they _didn't_ have any more brains than that. Everyone knew Harry always had his _kunai_ on him, and he made no secret of his new dagger.

"What's happening?" Ron asked Harry as he and Hermione came to see what was going on.

Harry jerked his thumb at Malfoy. "The ferret tried to buy his way into the team."

"How… expected," Hermione said dryly. Apparently, Harry's sense of humor was starting to rub off on her.

Malfoy shot her a glare. "No one asked your opinion, you filthy little mudblood!"

Without hesitation, Harry spun on his heel and kicked Malfoy in the face.

Malfoy shrieked girlishly as his nose started bleeding profusely, obviously broken. Flint made to jump at Harry, only to find Harry's dagger lying cool against his neck.

"I'd get him to the hospital wing, if I were you," Harry said conversationally. "Not much point in training your Seeker with a broken nose now, is there?"

The Slytherins all glared at Harry as they shuffled Malfoy off, who was shouting about how his Veela-perfect looks were ruined, and something about his father.

"Say 'hi' to your mother for me, Malfart!" Harry called out cheerfully as he sheathed his weapon. Behind him, the Gryffindor team was laughing their heads off.

"You realize you're getting detention for this, right?" Hermione said dryly.

Harry shrugged, grinning at her. "It'll be worth it. I can't have them insulting my best girl friend, now can I?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, but she was blushing as she did so.

----------------------------------------

By the time the detention was handed down, Harry was wishing he'd taken more time to inflict things on Malfoy. Like maybe remove a few internal organs…

Gritting his teeth, he knocked on the door, which flew open at once.

"Ah, here's the scallywag!" Lockhart said. "Come in, Harry, come in!"

It was torturous. Harry infinitely preferred Anko beating him to within an inch of her life. At least _that _made him stronger. This… he felt his brain cells melting at the sheer mimbo-sity of it all!

Then he heard the voice.

"Come… come to me… let me rip you… let me tear you… let me kill you…" 

At first, Harry wondered if he was hallucinating from all the literally mindless work. "Did you hear that?"

That broke Lockhart's constant self-praise. "Hear what?"

Harry frowned, wondering if he _had _been hallucinating. He strained his ears, trying to catch anything as Lockhart bustled around about how late it was and put him out, sending him back to his dorm…

----------------------------------------

Harry squelched through a deserted corridor, completely drenched, looking like he'd decided to swim in the lake with his clothes on. Usually, he'd be practicing his stealth skills and making less noise than the ghosts, but now he was just too cold and too tired. The day had really piled up. That morning, he'd had to train in the raging downpour, and the lake had been heaving so much, he'd actually lost his footing a couple of times and gotten thrown under. He'd almost met up with the giant squid down there.

Then there'd been Wood's insane training. That was even worse than his own morning training. At least he'd been sheltered from the wind while he'd trained. Up in the air, there was no such protection, and the wind cut through him like a frozen knife.

Hmmm… frozen knife… he wondered if there was a _jutsu_ like that…

At least the day wasn't a total lost. Despite Fred and George's reports of the Slytherin team's speed, Harry was confident that they didn't have to worry. He pointed out that the Slytherin's would need to get used to that speed, while they were already familiar with their brooms. That gave them a solid bedrock to form their strategies on. From the sound of it, the Slytherins were having to make all new strategies, while at the same time getting used to unfamiliar brooms and dealing with hostile weather. And he'd made more progress on the Chakra Scalpel. Some kind of water demon had gotten close enough to the surface for Harry to stun and snag, giving him the first body to practice on in a while.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted when as he came across someone who looked as preoccupied as he was. Nearly Headless Nick was staring out the window, muttering under what would have been his breath, "… don't fulfill their requirements… half an inch, if that…"

The school ghosts fascinated Harry. After he'd gotten over the fact they were dead people, he'd spent what time he could trying to find out about them. He could feel them– faintly– tingling at his chakra senses. He couldn't be sure, but he theorized that ghosts were made of leftover chakra, bound to the earth in some manner– perhaps the infamous 'unfinished business'? The chakra was practically non-existent, certainly not enough for even bacteria to live on, but it was constant, which meant the ghosts never vanished. While some experiments with a few willing ghosts, Nick among them, had taught him that chakra had _some_ effect on ghosts, overall, it did nothing useful. The Grand Fireball had left Nick feeling slightly warm–a wonder in itself– but that was all. Still…

"Yo, Nick!" Harry greeted, waving his wand casually behind him and cleaning up his traces. He _really _didn't want to deal with Filch right then.

"Hello, hello," Nick said as he turned around, pulling at his ruff to straighten it.

"You okay?" Harry asked, leaning against the wall casually. "Something on your mind?"

"Ah," Nick waved one of his transparent hands, "a matter of no importance… it's not as though I really wanted to join… thought I'd apply, but apparently I 'don't fulfill requirements'."

Harry nodded understandingly, knowing the ghost would get around to it eventually.

Nick eventually erupted, telling him about how he'd applied for the headless hunt, and how he'd been rejected yet again. "Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry!" Nick ranted. "Most would think that's good and beheaded, but oh no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore!"

Personally, Harry thought Podmore had a point– how were you supposed to juggle your head if it won't come off?– but his mind had started casting around for a potential solution to Nick's problem. He was a guy, after all, and the urge to problem-solve was in his chromosomes.

Half an inch, Nick had said, half an inch of ghostly skin and…

Harry's eyes widened.

Half an inch of chakra-like sinew!

"Nick," Harry said excitedly, "I think I might have a solution to your problem!"

Nick blinked in surprised. "Really?" he said, astonished.

Harry nodded, grinning widely as he considered the problem. It made sense… but he would need to test it to make sure. "Nick, give me your hand."

Bemused, Nick did as ordered as Harry formed a seal to help him concentrate. He could feel his chakra gathering in his hand, not shaped, just there. Abruptly, he snapped his hand at Nick.

Harry grinned widely as his hand closed in on _something! _It was cold, and his hand started to squash through it like jelly, but he increased the chakra in his hand and it started to mellow out, before suddenly snapping his hand outward like he was holding on to actually flesh. "YES!"

Nick stared in astonishment. Harry's hand was closed around his own… and it wasn't going through. He could _feel_ it. "My god… warm… it's been so long."

The astounded look was still on his face as Harry let go. For a moment, Nick frowned, but suddenly started as Harry, using both hands, suddenly grabbed his head and pulled it out of his ruff, pulling it up all the way.

"I beg your pardon!" Nick said in surprise as he felt himself being manhandled by a living being for the first time in centuries.

"Hold you head still!" Harry hissed. "I don't have three arms, you know."

Obediently, Nick did as ordered, holding his head off his neck as Harry let go and started making hand seals.

"This might hurt," Harry cautioned as he finished, and his hands started to glow blue. "You might want to close your eyes."

Nick didn't, however, and Harry just shrugged. With a sideways cut, the Chakra Scalpel suddenly tore through the ghostly flesh. Since Nick had been pulling at his neck to keep it up, his head went flying through the air. Harry terminated the _jutsu_ as he performed a sliding catch, managing to get his chakra-charged hands under Nick's recently completely decapitated head. "Hey, you okay?" Harry asked, ignoring the disturbing feeling of holding a severed head in his hands.

Nick's head suddenly started cheering, and a freezing sensation suddenly permeated Harry's body as Nick's body went through it, trying to get its head back.

"Oh, this is wonderful!" Nick exclaimed. "Harry, you simply _must_ come to my Deathday party on Halloween! I want you to be there to see me rub Podmore's nose in the dirt!"

Harry grinned. Experiment successful! "I'll be there."

----------------------------------------

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…" Harry muttered a few days later. Ron and Hermione nodded wordlessly beside him.

The passageway down into the dungeons had been suitably dramatic, if not exactly good for one's heart, what with the blue-flame black candles. And the temperature dropping was weirdly appropriate. When the weird noise started, however…

Newly-Headless Nick– as Harry had started thinking of him– had met then at the entrance of the dungeon (the black velvet drapes were a nice touch) and left to see to his other guests. Harry, Ron and Hermione were still standing where he had left them.

Harry blew out a frosty breath. "I'm almost expecting it to snow…" he muttered, then sighed. "Well, no sense in standing around here! Come on Ron, Hermione, let's see what this Deathday Party is all about!"

They hadn't walked far before Hermione abruptly stopped and made them turn around. "Turn back, turn back, I don't want to talk to Moaning Myrtle–"

"Moaning who?" Ron said as Harry shrugged and let the female member of their little group steer them. He'd been thinking of getting then a group name, like Densetsu San-Wizard… or something.

"She haunts the girls' toilet on the first floor," Hermione explained.

That broke Harry out of his thoughts of Densetsu Mahou Senshi. "She haunts a _toilet_? Oh, _that's_ degrading…"

"Look, food!" Ron said.

At least, it looked like food from where they were standing. When they got closer, however…

"After you, Ron," Harry said grinning widely as he gestured at the 'buffet'. Ron's jaw was practically all the way down on the floor, his eyes twitching at the desecration. "If you don't keel over after three days, Hermione and I might take a nibble."

Hermione watched as a portly ghost walked through a salmon with his mouth open wide. "Can you taste it if you walk through it?" she asked.

"Almost," the ghost said sadly, drifting off.

"Can we leave?" Ron said, his voice sounding strained. "I think I'm going to be sick…"

When they turned around, however, Peeves suddenly appeared, wearing a bright orange party hat and a revolving bow-tie. "Leaving?" he said cheerily.

"Hey, Peeves," Harry said, waving at the poltergeist casually. The two had an understanding: as long as Harry found Peeves amusing, he wouldn't make the poltergeist scream in pain. Chakra can do that. Peeves now knew better than to do something Harry didn't think was funny within the boy's line of sight.

"Nibbles?" he offered sweetly, offering a bowl of something that might have once been edible.

"No thanks," Hermione said, looking slightly green. Ron looked like he'd puke.

"Heard you talking about poor Myrtle," Peeves said, directing her words at Hermione although he kept an eye on Harry, who was apparently just looking around at all the ghosts. "_Rude_ you was about Myrtle. OY! MYRTLE!"

"Oh, no Peeves, don't tell her what I said, she'll be really upset," Hermione whispered frantically, wondering why Harry wasn't doing anything– it was a toss—up who Peeves was afraid of more, Harry or the Bloody Baron. "I didn't mean it, I don't mind her– er, hello, Myrtle."

The glum looking ghost of a girl glided over, her face hidden behind lank hair and a thick pair of ghostly glasses. Harry turned to look at the new arrival and froze.

"What?" the ghost girl said sulkily.

"How are you, Myrtle?" Hermione said, sounding abnormally perky. "It's nice to see you out of the toilet."

Myrtle sniffed.

"Miss Granger was just talking about you…" Peeves said slyly.

"Just saying… saying… how nice you look tonight," Hermione said, trying to sound believable even as she glared at Peeves.

Myrtle eyed her suspiciously. "You're making fun of me," she said, silvery tears welling in her eyes.

"NO! Honestly, didn't I say how nice Myrtle's looking?" Hermione said, elbowing Ron and Harry and finally getting the other boy out of his trance.

"Oh, yeah…" Ron said unconvincingly.

Harry just shook his head, trying to get back his bearings.

"Don't lie to me!" Myrtle said, starting to cry.

Harry was slowly regaining himself as Myrtle had a break down– minor, fortunately.

"You forgot 'spotty'," Peeves said, causing Myrtle to break out into anguished sobs.

Without a word, Harry grabbed Peeves by the back of his head. "It's not funny to make a girl cry," he said, before pulling back his foot and punting Peeves literally through the roof with a chakra-charged foot. There was a small scattering of applause from those who saw.

As Myrtle turned to flee, Harry suddenly reached out and grabbed her arm. "Wait!" he said, his hand closing around the ghost's wrist and holding on, much to everyone's surprise. "I'm really sorry about that. Please don't be upset!"

Myrtle and everyone in viewing range stared at the sight of Harry holding on to Myrtle's wrist and keeping her in place as if she were solid. "Wh…wh…" Myrtle said, trying to get something out.

"Oh! I'm Harry! Pleased to meet your acquaintance, my beautiful lady," Harry said, bending over and planting a chivalrous kiss on the back of Myrtle's hand, which actually connected. The girl swooned in shock. "I have your name, but it wasn't a proper introduction. Would you please honor one such as myself with your full name?"

Myrtle blushed silver. "M-myrtle. Myrtle de Winter."

Harry smiled and kissed her hand again. "A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Lady de Winter. Would you honor me with your company?"

Hey, those cheesy lines Jiraiya spouted out were good for something after all…

----------------------------------------

Ron and Hermione lost track of the third member of their group when Nick suddenly appeared to ask if they were enjoying themselves. Things got even more confusing when the Headless Hunt suddenly rode in. Hermione, who was watching the show, smiled slightly when she saw Nick reveal his new properly decapitated condition and one up Sir Patrick– he was Gryffindor's ghost, after all, and Gryffindors, living or dead, stick together!– although she had to wonder how Nick had managed that one.

"I think it's time we got out of here," Ron said, his teeth chattering as Nick's head came sailing past.

Hermione listened as the ghost orchestra started up again and the crowd once more moved into the dance floor. "Let's go," Hermione agreed. "Harry can take care of himself down here."

The two headed towards the door, nodding and beaming at anyone who looked at them. They passed through the black draped entrance and stopped dead– in a figurative sense, of course.

Harry was sitting on the steps with Myrtle, both very much enjoying themselves if the ghost's giggles were any indicator. Her glasses had fallen off some time before and were lying on the ground as Harry whispered in her ear, before moving sideways and kissing her on the lips.

"Harry?" Hermione managed to choke out. Beside her, Ron was twitching.

Myrtle squeaked, ducking behind Harry, who gave his friends a slightly annoyed look. "Do you guys _mind_? We were enjoying ourselves."

Blushing silver, Myrtle bent down to pick up her glasses. "Well, I guess you and your friends are leaving now, so…"

"I could stay if you want me to," Harry said smoothly, making Ron gag. Hermione was seriously wondering why she'd never noticed her friend was a necrophile. All the signs were there: how he'd insisted on killing that troll in first year, how he studied anatomy, all those knives he carried…

If anything, Myrtle's blushing increased. "No, it's all right. I think I'll stay at the party a little longer," she said, looking at the way Ron and Hermione had come with a little more enthusiasm.

Harry shrugged, getting to his feet. "As you say, milady. I know where you live, anyway. I'll drop by some time."

Gently taking Myrtle's hand in his own without it going through, he pulled her closer and gave her another kiss (Myrtle swooned, Ron looked faint and Hermione tried not to be turned on). "Until next time, then," he whispered when they parted.

Nodding, Myrtle drifted back into the dungeon, leaving Ron and Hermione to stare at Harry.

He looked at them and raised an eyebrow. "What? She's hot!"

----------------------------------------

The trip back upstairs wasn't so nice. Harry heard a voice, the same voice he'd heard in Lockhart's office, one thing led to another and…

----------------------------------------

_THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE._

"Enemies of the air, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!" Malfoy cried as he pushed himself to the front of the silent, staring crowd.

"Hmm? You say something, _uke?_" Harry said disinterestedly, not looking up from where he was staring intently at the form of Mrs. Norris.

Hermione, Ron and a few muggleborns chuckled, diffusing the tension slightly. The two knew what that word meant, and apparently some people in the crowd did too.

Harry ignored Filch's arrival, taking note of his surroundings. He wasn't the least bit bothered when the caretaker started ranting about how he'd killed his cat, brushing him off as he checked the ground for footprints while no one had trampled over the area yet.

When Dumbledore arrived at the scene and took charge, Harry followed silently, trying to make sense of things. He wasn't exactly trained in forensics– that was something few shinobi specialized in, even though it was a required prerequisite of tracking courses– but what little he knew told him something disturbing. There were no footprints, not obvious residue…

It took him a moment to cringe when he realized he'd somehow gotten into Lockhart's office, noting the various pictures of the mimbo with their hair up in nets and curlers. Hmmm, looks like Malfoy wasn't the only _uke_ in Hogwarts…

Tuning out Lockhart's ranting– it was completely useless, anyway– Harry watched Dumbledore diagnosing Mrs. Norris, wishing he knew what the older man was doing.

Finally, Dumbledore straightened.

"She's not dead, Argus," he told the caretaker.

That shut Lockhart up, much to Harry's relief.

"Not dead?" Filched choked out. "But why's she all… stiff and frozen?"

"She has been Petrified," Dumbledore stated, the apparent capital instantly catching Harry's interest. "How, I cannot say…"

"Ask _him!_" Filch shrieked, pointing at Harry, who just gave him a _look_.

"No second-year could have done this," Dumbledore said, perking Harry's interest even further. "It would take Dark Magic of the most advanced–"

"He did it, he did it!" Filch spat out. "You saw what he wrote on the wall!"

Harry sighed, deciding he might as well say something. Ron and Hermione were too nervous to try. "Despite how much I would have _loved_ to have done something like that, it wasn't me. "

"Rubbish!" Filch cried.

"If I might speak, Headmaster," Snape said from where he was lurking in the dark. "Potter and his friends may have simply been at the wrong place at the wrong time, but what we do have a set of suspicious circumstances here. Why were they in the upstairs corridor at all? Why weren't they at the Halloween feast?"

"Nick invited us to his party and we went," Harry said simply. "Simple as that. "

"But why not join the feast afterwards?" Snape pressed. "Why go up that corridor?"

"Well, there was this _really_ cute girl at the party, and I kind of got her address," Harry explained, a slight smile on his face at the remembrance. Ron and Hermione, looked slightly disturbed, and he chuckled internally. Ah, he was good at lying through his teeth. "I wanted to drop by and surprise her with a goodnight kiss."

Dumbledore looked amused at this, while McGonagall shook her head in exasperation, very familiar with Harry's ways.

Snape, however, was looking triumphant. "Girl? I am not aware of any student who resides in that hallway."

Harry's smile was just as triumphant. "Well, Myrtle isn't exactly a student anymore, now that she'd dead."

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose, while McGonagall stared at her student in shock.

"Harry," Dumbledore said, "do you mean to tell you were intending to visit Myrtle at her… um, residence?"

Harry nodded. "I didn't want her to think I was ditching her when these two wanted to come back upstairs."

"But I thought she was going to stay at the party a little longer?" Ron said suddenly.

Harry sighed, shaking his head. "Ron, Ron, Ron, you are so innocent. That's what she _wanted _me to think. I'm pretty sure that the minute she was out of sight, she went straight back to her room–or toilet in this case, and I still think that's degrading, especially for such a cute girl– to revel in the experience. Girls tend to do that after their first kiss, and I ought to know; I gave a lot of the girls in my village their first kiss."

The wide smile Harry had on was reminiscent of Jiraiya without being disturbing.

"So you wanted to surprise her and give her a proper goodnight kiss in her room so she wouldn't think badly of you?" Hermione said.

"Exactly!"

"Potter," Snape said. "Surely you are aware that it is impossible to kiss a ghost?"

Harry grinned. "Call Myrtle and I'll prove it!"

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged looks and shrugged. McGonagall left to do just that.

Snape, however, would not be denied. "Even if what you say is true," and his tone made it clear he doubted it, "what were Granger and Weasley doing with you?"

Harry blinked, turning towards his friends. Oh, yes, he was _very_ good at lying. "Yeah, why _did_ you follow me? Unless…"

Harry gasped, raising a hand to his mouth in a slightly over-dramatic way. "My, my… you know, I kind of expected it from Hermione, what with her being a pervert and all–"

"I AM NOT A PERVERT!" the girl protested.

Harry pretended not to hear. "– but you, Ron? Shocking. Well, there's nothing wrong about being voyeurs, although it _is_ considered polite to ask the person's permission first–"

He shut up when Hermione tried to strangle him, leaving Ron to wonder what a voyeur was. His thoughts were something like, _What's a voyeur? Is it tasty?_

Well, not exactly that, but you get the idea…

When McGonagall came back, Hermione was trying to strangle Harry, Ron was still confused, Snape, Lockhart and Dumbledore had big sweatdrops on their heads and Filch was stroking Mrs. Norris and muttering, "My precious…"

"Ah, Minerva," Dumbledore said, causing Hermione to squeak and stop trying to choke Harry as she realized they had an audience. "Is Miss de Winter here?"

Myrtle shyly floated out from behind the Transfiguration teacher.

Harry instantly jumped out of his seat and appeared beside her so fast, people almost wondered how he managed to Apparate inside Hogwarts grounds. Taking Myrtle's hand, he bent over and gave it a kiss. "Fair lady, 'tis a pleasure to see you again! Truly, I am blessed that you choose to remain on this plane, rather then go towards the heavens that angels such as yourself belong!"

Now _everyone_ but Lockhart suddenly sweatdropped and had the same thought: _LAME!_

Lockhart, however, was furiously trying to remember this. He reasoned that if it worked for a twelve-year old kid…

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In the end, Harry managed to prove that he _could_ kiss Myrtle, and they got off the hook. For the next few days, the attack was the talk of the school.

Ginny seemed particularly disturbed by the incident, and when Ron's well-meaning attempt to cheer Ginny up failed, Harry took it upon himself to try and lift Ginny's spirits. It was made slightly difficult, however, by Ginny's tendency to blush every time he touched her.

"Ginny, if you don't relax, you'll end up with a heart attack," Harry said gently as he walked with Ginny along the lakeshore, thinking how cute she looked when her head was the same overall shade as a tomato. "And that's the _last_ thing I want to happen."

When the red-head didn't respond, Harry shrugged and began making small talk about the weather, trying to get Ginny to comment. He slowly managed to draw her out of her shell, even though she was still very red, and by the time they'd made their first circuit around the lake…

"– and Naruto smells horrible because of all the bombs, and the worse part was that it was _his_ turn to do the laundry that week!" Harry finished, he and Ginny laughing out loud at yet another anecdote about his life with his brothers.

Ginny sighed, looking more relaxed now. "I wish my brothers were like that," she said wistfully. "All they do is tease me and be over protective."

Harry chuckled. "Hate to break it to you gorgeous," Ginny went red again, "but all older siblings are like that. It's our compensation for doing all the heavy lifting around the house and making sure our little brothers and sisters are alright."

He turned to Ginny with a smile. "Besides, which would you prefer: your brothers teasing because they love you and want to protect you, or your brothers ignoring you because they couldn't care less?"

"Well, when you put it that way…" Ginny said thoughtfully. She looked at Harry and blinked at the dark look that had come over him. "Harry? Is something wrong?"

Harry snapped out of his thoughts about a red-eyed monster he'd sworn to kill. "Sorry. Bad memories. I had to beat up a lot of guys who thought they could bully my little brothers around, and… well, sometimes _they_ had brothers bigger than me."

"Oh…" Ginny said, finding it hard to believe that there was someone who could beat up Harry. It was _Harry_, he who carried knives and could break your arm with one hand! "I…"

Harry smiled again, although he still looked slightly haunted, remembering _who_ had first saved _him_ from those older siblings. "Don't worry about it. I don't."

The bell signally lunch rang, and Harry internally swore at the interruption. The mood was just right, too. He sighed. Harry thought a moment, and a mischievous smile played on his lips. Turning, he stole quick kiss from Ginny, who gave him a surprised look. He winked. "Race ya to lunch!"

Laughing, he gave Ginny a little pull to get her going, then let go and ran back towards the castle, Ginny coming up behind him…

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Somehow, Hermione managed to get Binns to tell them about the Chamber of Secrets, and helped Ron make the intuitive leap that…

"Malfoy, the Heir of Slytherin?" Hermione said skeptically.

"I doubt it," Harry said. "The _uke _doesn't have enough brains to pull something like this off."

There was a round of giggling from Ron and Hermione. They always did that when Harry called Malfoy an _uke_.

"But I suppose it's possible," Hermione said. "Even if he just got lucky, what happened was dangerous. What if it had been a student?"

"So how do we prove it?" Ron asked.

Harry shrugged. "Ask him?" he suggested, thinking he could use _henge no jutsu_ to get Malfoy to answer a few questions.

Hermione seemed to think about it. "Well, if we used Polyjuice potion to make him think we were Slytherins, we might get him to confess."

"Polyjuice Potion?" Ron asked.

After Hermione explained, Harry shook his head. _Henge_ was more reliable and versatile, not to mention easier to do.

After they tricked Lockhart into signing a release form to get the book they needed, Harry decided the _henge _was the way to go, but he didn't tell Ron and Hermione that. Besides, it might be best if he had backup. Infiltration into enemy territory was always dangerous…

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Harry swore and kept swearing as he pulled off yet another fancy acrobatic trick to avoid the stupid Bludger that seemed to be locked on to him. He was very tempted to hex it out of existence, but really didn't want to have to find if that was illegal or something. He had never really paid attention to the rules when Wood had talked to him about them, opting to nap. Who knew that would come back to bite him?

Somewhere, Malfoy was laughing, and Harry made a mental note to find some way to make the _uke_ (he had to stifle a snicker) pay for that one.

Looking at the cannon ball behind him, Harry smirked. And he knew just how.

Pulling back his broom, he flew over the Bludger and rolled himself right-side up, thankful Hermione had told him about the Immelman. It didn't take long for the Bludger to chase after him again, but by then, his plan was in progress.

He saw Malfoy pale–well, get pale-_r–_ as he streaked towards him, but before the Slytherin could dodge, he cut him off, Harry's superior flying skills easily letting him outperform the Nimbus 2001 at close range.

"ARE YOU INSANE, POTTER?" Malfoy screamed as Harry started circling him at high speed, keeping his turns tight and containing Malfoy.

Harry shrugged as he heard the Bludger near. "Yes," he said, before rolling off his broom and pulling it down with him as he let gravity do it's work.

Malfoy gaped for all of half a second as he watched Harry plummet to the ground, before the Bludger that had been chasing Harry impacted squarely on the tail of his broom, narrowly crushing his leg. With a girly scream, he fell towards the ground as a dark wet spot began to grow on the crotch of his robes.

Harry waited until he could hear the Bludger behind him before he remounted his broom, flying sharply to the side and causing the Bludger to miss him again as he searched for the Snitch, knowing he had seconds before Madam Hooch blew her whistle and pause the game.

There! The familiar glint of gold. He leaned forward on his broom, narrowing his profile as he urged every little iota of speed he could pull out of his broom. He extended his arm, reaching… reaching…

There was a loud snap as the Bludger came flying out of nowhere, a sickening sound he knew intimately well thanks to Anko: his arm was now broken. Gritting his teeth, he swerved out just in time to keep the Bludger from slamming into his face…

Extending his other arm, he leapt off his broom just as the Bludger buzzed past for the third time, narrowly missing the broom's main shaft as his fingers closed around the Snitch.

Madam Hooch's whistle blew a split second after the crowd started to roar, and Harry had what felt like the rest of his life to figure out how he was supposed to break his fall. Sure, he had the Snitch and sure, he could jump down from high places, but this was a little higher than what was survivable for him…

And… was that the _Bludger?_

He turned his head slightly. Yup it was the Bludger all right. That thing was _still_ coming after him? Oh, come on! He was as good as dead! Have a little mercy…!

A sudden flash of inspiration came over Harry, and he stuffed the Snitch into his mouth before flexing the fingers of his good arm. He had to time this just right…

He spun around in midair as the Bludger closed him, throwing out his broken arm and making it feel like it was on fire. He didn't faint, however. After being forced through the pain of the ultimate _genjutsu_, this was nothing…

The fingers of his good arm made contact with the Bludger's surface, giving him all the purchase he needed as he charged his fingertips with chakra, making him stick to the ball. Twisting, he managed to force the ball to shoot upwards and a little to the side even as his broken arm screamed in agony.

_Just a little more…_ Harry thought. _A little more_…

Kicking off from the Bludger, he grabbed his broom as it passed by, flipping himself back on it with one hand and immediately aiming for straight down, trying not to black out…

He hit the mud hard, rolling off his broom and kicking it to the side in time for the Bludger to avoid both of them. He heard footsteps coming towards him as he spat out the Snitch into his hand, and knew help was on the way…

He must have fainted for a second, because the next thing he saw was a set of overly white teeth.

That shocked him awake.

With a yell, he kicked himself away from Lockhart. "GET THAT IDIOT _UKE_ AWAY FROM ME!" he yelled, scrambling in the mud as he felt his right arm flopping painfully at his side. A distant part of him said it didn't feel like a simple fracture…

He couldn't remember much of what happened afterwards, but according to Ron, he'd ran away from Lockhart, screaming about crazy, incompetent bishounen wannabes, while the blond had chased after him, yelling about how he'd fix his arm.

He got lucky when Harry tripped, and waved his wand around, but…

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"I AM GOING TO CASTRATE THAT MORONIC, INCOMPETENT, USELESS, FAGGOTY, (**_BLEEP_**) (**_BLEEP_**)-ING, NO GOOD WASTE OF SPACE!" Harry raged as Madam Pomfrey, Ron, Hermione and the rest of the Quidditch team winced, knowing that Harry was perfectly capable of going through with his threat. After Lockhart had somehow managed to vanish the bones in his arm, it had taken most of the Gryffindor males to keep Harry from removing Lockhart's manhood with a _kunai_. It was only after a short chase in the rain that they'd managed to knock Harry unconscious and take him to the hospital wing. Lockhart had already left, having needed to have five _shuriken_ plucked out of him. Normally, he would have stayed in the Hospital Wing, but it wasn't farfetched that Harry would kill him if he found the man in the same room.

When Hermione said rather meekly that anyone can make a mistake, Harry gave her such a dirty look that she nearly fainted.

Hours later, Harry was still thinking of imaginative ways to inflict pain on Lockhart, all involving elements he'd somehow managed to pick up from his jounin instructor. He was beginning to appreciate Anko's penchant for sadism.

When he felt someone suddenly appear in the room, Harry instantly grabbed the _kunai _under his pillow. He lay absolutely still as he heard a smell form start bustling about. A weight suddenly landed– softly– on his bed and someone started sponging his forehead.

Ignoring the tingling pain in his arm, Harry dropped his _kunai_ on his lap as he grabbed the intruder…

Dobby was very lucky to get out of there without getting seriously cut up, especially when he admitted to setting the Bludger. Harry would have cheerfully removed his limbs and major organs for him.

When Colin was brought in, Harry felt a twinge of guilt when he heard that the boy might have been coming up to do something nice for him. He made a mental note to do something nice for the little brat when they got him un-Petrified.

The ominous and informative things he heard weren't bad either…

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"The Chamber of Secrets has been opened _before_?" Hermione said.

Harry nodded, looking a little glum that Myrtle wasn't in her usual cubicle. He supposed he should be glad she was getting out now, but it was a bit annoying to get worked up and not be able to get a snuggle.

"This settles it," Ron said, sounding triumphant. "Lucius Malfoy must've opened the Chamber when he was at school here and now he's taught dear old Draco ho to do it. It's obvious. Wish Dobby'd told you what kind of monster's in there, though. I want to know how come nobody's noticed it sneaking around the school."

They theorized as to what kind of monster it was as Hermione tended to the potion. Harry grimaced, having read what the potion needed to change you. He was glad _he_ was doing _henge_…

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Harry faced Malfoy in the middle of the Great Hall, his wand at the ready and prepared for anything the _uke_ (he barely restrained his snigger) had to throw at him. He was fairly sure this wouldn't be pretty.

"Three– two– one– GO!" Lockhart shouted.

Malfoy raised his wand. "_Serpensortia!_"

Harry raised his eyebrow as a long black snake shot out of the wand, poised to strike as the crowd screamed and backed off. "That's it?" he said, the contempt lacing his voice more than a match for Snape on his best day. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

Shaking his head, Harry tucked his wand up his sleeve as he strode towards the snake with long, decisive steps. "_Come here!_" he hissed, holding out his arm as he knelt in front of the snake.

Obediently, the snake slithered forward and wrapped itself around his forearm before the stunned audience. Harry stroked the snake's head idly as he turned to Malfoy with a bored look on his face. "Got anything else?"

Malfoy flushed. "_SERPENSORTIA! SERPENSORTIA!_" he cried, casting the spell again and again, as if that would make the snakes attack.

As the other students backed away farther, Harry just sighed, hissing, "_Out of my way_," at the snakes, who obliged by moving to the side as he stepped a little closer to Malfoy, stopping when he was in range.

"Pathetic, _uke_," Harry said in disdain, hearing the giggles in the crowd from those who understood what the term meant. "You call that summoning snakes? You're a disgrace to your House! _This_ is how it's done!"

Snapping his wand back into his hand, careful not to jostle his snake, Harry moved his wand elaborately, disguising the fact he was making hand seals. He ended with the wand held between both hands in the final seal, before thrusting both hands forward, the wand giving out little sparkles as he pointed it at Malfoy. "**_Sen'eijashu!_**"

Malfoy tried to jump back as snakes shot out of Harry's sleeves, accompanied by a useless burst of sparks from his wand. The snakes darted at Malfoy, one wrapping around his arm and biting his wand to keep him from using it, the others encircling his other limbs under Harry's hissed directions.

Harry smiled in satisfaction at the sight of Malfoy completely stiff and shaking where he stood, eyeing the snake wrapped around his head and flinching when said reptile flicked it's tongue on his cheek. "_THAT'S_ how you summon snakes!" Harry said, then raised his eyebrow, tilting his head a little to the side. "Malfoy, aren't you a little too old to be peeing in your pants?"

Oh, how he _wished_ he had a camera…!

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He didn't hear about the results of his little stunt until later, too high at having made Malfoy pee on himself in public. And when he did, he didn't care. So what if he people thought he was the Heir of Slytherin just cause he could talk to snakes? If Naruto could handle being the Kyuubi's container, he could handle a little misinformed rumors!

He didn't see _how_ he could be blamed for the attack on Justin and Nick. He barely knew the guy, and Nick was his friend! He didn't attack his friends!

But whoever did was _SO_ going to pay in blood…!

"?"

"Oh man… did I just think like _Anko?_" Harry cried.

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Harry poured the Polyjuice Potion with Goyle's hair in it down the toilet. No _way_ he was drinking _that!_

Forming the simple seal, he concentrated and, in a burst of ninja smoke, turned in a perfect copy of Goyle.

Stepping out of the stall, he waited for Ron and Hermione, ignoring the sounds coming from the stalls they'd occupied. Probably the Polyjuice at work…

"This is unbelievable," Ron said as he approached the mirror from out of his stall and rubbing his nose. "_Unbelievable_."

Harry shrugged. "I've seen flashier," he said, thinking of Jiraiya's frog summons. Still, he was glad Myrtle wasn't around to see him looking like a goon reject.

Ron banged on Hermione's door. "C'mon, 'Mione, we need to go!"

A high-pitched voice answered him. "I– I don't think I'm going to come after all. You two go on without me!"

Harry immediately became concerned. "Hermione, is something wrong?"

"You could say that…" Hermione said, knowing that Harry wouldn't be satisfied until he knew how she was. "Look, forget about me, I'm all right! Get a move on, the potion will only last for an hour!"

"Are you _sure _you're okay?" Harry pressed.

"Yes, I'm fine! Now get going! I'll have this sorted out by the time you get back!"

Harry, at Ron's urging, finally agreed. The two left the room as Ron's minutes ticked, and thus completely missed Hermione's whispered, "I hope…"

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When they got back over an hour later, back in their normal forms– Harry had released the _jutsu_ when Ron wasn't looking, and Ron's potion had faded out– the first thing they did was pound on the door of Hermione's cubicle.

"Hermione, come out, we've got loads to tell you!" Ron said excitedly.

"Go away!" Hermione squeaked.

Harry instantly became alarmed.

"Hermione, what's the matter?" he said, ready to break the door down if need be.

Suddenly, Myrtle glided through the cubicle door, looking concerned. The times they'd been using the bathroom to study while they tended the potion had forged a friendship between the ghost and Hermione, and while they were barely past being casual acquaintances, they did get along. "I don't think this is such a good idea. Hermione seems to have had a little accident…"

That got Harry going. "HERMIONE, COME OUT RIGHT NOW!" he said, his tone brooking no nonsense.

After a second, the lock was undone from the inside and Hermione emerged, sobbing as she held her robes over her head.

"What's up?" Ron asked uncertainly. "Do you still have Millicent Bulstrode's nose or something?"

Hermione let her robes fall, and Ron backed away in surprise.

Hermione's face was covered in sleek black fur. Pointed ears stuck out of her hair as she looked at them with yellow eyes.

"It was a c-cat hair!" she howled. "Millicent Bulstrode m-must have a cat! And the P-Potion isn't supposed to work for animal transformations!"

"Uh oh," Ron said, pretty much summing the matter up. "Look, why don't we take you to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey never asks questions. What do you say, Harry?"

When there was no response, Ron turned at his fellow male, frowning slightly. "Harry?"

Wordlessly, Harry reached over and began playing with Hermione's ears. Hermione blinked in confusion as Myrtle and Ron stared, equally befuddled.

"Harry?" Hermione asked, hesitant and wondering whether her dark-haired friend had spontaneously lost his marbles. She shifted a little as Harry switched from fondling her ears to circling around her and looking at her intently. Finally, he stood front of Hermione and looked her up and down.

"I am _seriously _turned on right now," Harry said.

There was a tick.

"_HARRY_!" Hermione screeched as Ron choked back his laughter and Myrtle pouted cutely…

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: I think I'll stop it there. Much as I want to finish the second book in one chapter, it'll be too long. I want my reviews _NOW!_

Harry with a catgirl fetish on top of his necrophilia...

Hey, Myrtle _is_ dead. And since I have no idea what her real last name is, I faked it.

To Ginny fans, sorry for the lack of content. For Ginny haters, don't get your hopes up.

_Uke_, a feminine and submissive yaoi-person…

Oh, and Ron and Hermione don't know about Harry's skills. They just know he's not exactly normal.

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**A.T.E: Harry Strikes Back**

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Anko, as usual, was napping while the Hokage droned on during the monthly special jounin meeting. No one woke her up, not even the Hokage. It was just too dangerous.

Thus, everyone panicked slightly when the white owl flew in threw an open window (it wasn't a _secret_ meeting) with a bouquet of flowers in its talons, dropped the bouquet on Anko's head, and flew away.

Anko, of course, woke up. "Wha…?" she said, not noticing the line of drool going down the side of her mouth.

"Welcome back Anko," the Hokage said dryly. "Now that you're up, maybe you'd like to share your little bouquet with us?"

"Yeah, who's it from?" one of the jounin who specialized in seduction said, craning her head over Morino Ibiki in an attempt to see the card.

Blinking and wondering who'd send her a bouquet (she didn't know how it had gotten in), took the card and read out loud, "To Anko-sensei, thanks for the scrolls. Your loyal student, Uzumaki Harry."

"Awww," the newly instated Kurenai said. "That's so sweet! You got flowers from Harry-kun."

"I am _so _jealous," the seduction expert said, pouting. So were a number of the kunoichi in the room. Harry was _very_ popular.

Although she smiled slightly, Anko was a bit disappointed for some reason. Somehow, she expected something else from Harry. Still, the thought was nice. Maybe now he'd know his place.

Frowning slightly, she peered closer at the flowers, not recognizing them as anything from Fire Country. A foreign variety maybe? She'd have to ask a Yamanaka.

Still, it had a strange scent. Leaning forward, she tried to get a good whiff, trying to smell if it was familiar…

With a very un-Anko-like screech (that gave everyone in the room the creeps), she jerked back as the flowers suddenly turned into snakes, trying to bite her face. The room was then greeted to the singular sight of Anko jumping over chairs in panic as she tried to get the snakes off her.

Everyone backed away towards the walls as Anko stomped, stabbed and squeezed the snakes to death. A few of the jounin had body-flicker techniques ready, and the Hokage was very tempted to duck under his desk. Anko stood in the center of the room, her coat askew, various bite marks on her face and limbs, blood liberally decorating her features. A twitch had developed on her face, and it wasn't just because of the various venoms running through her bloodstream. The look on her face was barely this side of insane, and it was obvious she had at least two limbs over the line. Her grin was so reminiscent of her former sensei it was scary.

The sound of laughter suddenly permeated the air. Taking a quick look around, Anko quickly spotted its source. The paper that the 'bouquet' had been wrapped around was lying on the floor. The laughter ("KUKUKUKUKU!") was coming from there.

Stomping over, Anko glared. On the sheet was a very well done picture of her student giving her the finger.

If you looked hard enough, one could see a slightly approving look in her eye, one that said she'd gotten what she'd been expecting. That look was eclipsed, however when she threw back her head in fury.

Jounin scrambled out of the room, the Hokage joining them in their mad dash without regard for his dignity as the cry rang forth, shattering many of the windows of the Hokage Tower and heard all through Konoha.

"_**U-ZU-MA-KI!"**_

She was _so_ going to kill him when he got back!

On the other side of the word, Harry sneezed and grinned.

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**END**

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Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off


	8. CoS, Remix 3! Harry Brings Home A Girl?

A/N: I have recently been getting a lot of, uh, shall we say, _concerned messages_, from people who are worried this is going to be Harry/Ginny. All of you are being silly! This is _me _you're talking to! I accept nothing less than Harry/Harem! But since he's in Hogwarts, Harry can only hit on Ginny, since Hermione is, well, check out below.

Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930 

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 8: Chamber of Secrets, Genin Remix Part3! Harry Brings Home A Girl?

Disclaimer: I don't own, please don't sue.

Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930 

… _so we wound up needing to take Hermione-chan to the Hospital Wing. Luckily, Madame Pomfrey didn't ask any questions, which is pretty stupid if you ask me, but it was lucky for us. Myrtle seemed a bit jealous, though. Hey, I can't help it! I've never seen an honest-to-goodness **cat-girl**, and there was Hermione-chan right in front of me. What was I supposed to do?_

_By the way, thanks for the book and the hand Sasuke-chan, Naru-bozu (you two want to hit me, don't you? Well, too bad, I'm way on the other side of the world!). It was a nice Christmas gift! Some of these Dark Arts spells look really neat! I can see why they're forbidden. Oh well! That means I'll be the only one who knows them!_

Sasuke and Naruto chuckled as they read their brother's latest letter. They'd insisted he stay at the school again that year, if only so that they'd get to find out in one of his letters what had happened regarding the Polyjuice Potion.

"Looks like aniki is having fun," Sasuke said as he snapped his Fuuma Shuriken shut and stuffed it under his shirt, his notebook and pen in hand. It had long become the norm for him to be writing new chapters of 'Yami no Tsubasa' whenever he wasn't actually training, eating, learning, pranking, or relaxing to a volume of 'Icha Icha'.

"I hope we get to meet this Myrtle girl," Naruto said as he adjusted his goggles. "She sounds nice."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "What would _you_ know about nice girls?" he teased. "You don't even like anyone!"

"At least I'm not mooning over two best friends!" Naruto shot back, causing Sasuke to blush, something that always happened when his very-poorly concealed– to his brothers, anyway; to the villagers, it was as a secret better kept than the fact the Hokage was a closet pervert!– infatuation for the Haruno and Yamanaka girls was mentioned. "Although the way they're both gunning after you, they won't be best friends much longer!"

Sasuke pulled the Fuuma Shuriken out again, although he didn't snap it open. "Die, Naruto," he said calmly, before he started chasing his brother around with his impromptu sword like a crazy person all the way to the Academy.

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Hermione valiantly tried to ignore the stare that was boring a hole through her head. Or, more precisely, her ears. It was hard, however, when the owner of the stare would sigh, shake his head, pout, and mutter about cats under his breath constantly.

Finally, Hermione slammed down her quill in exasperation (someone took note of the date and time of the historical moment). "Harry, would you please stop that? It's very annoying!"

If anything, Harry pouted more. "Couldn't let me play with them one more time, could you? Just one more time before Madame Pomfrey finally undid the potion's effects."

Hermione rolled her eyes at her usually sensible– apparently, anyway– but now seemingly off-his-rocker best friend. "Harry, it felt weird having my ears tickled like that!"

"But you looked so hot and sexy with those ears, and the whiskers, and the fur…" unsurprisingly, Harry's eyes glazed over, apparently seeing Hermione cat-girl again.

Sighing, Hermione thwacked him on the head.

"OW!" Harry said, rubbing his offended noggin. "If you were into masochismo, you should have warned me first!"

That did it. "HARRY JAMES EVANS POTTER, **_DIE!!!!!_**"

With a yelp, Harry was running away from an enraged Gryffindor girl wielding a chair. An armchair. A _heavy_ armchair.

In his seat where his friends had left him, Ron sighed. Hermione's fuse seemed to be getting shorter. Harry didn't even have to _mention_ kissing a cat-girl…

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"Hmmm…" Harry said thoughtfully as the badly dressed dwarves entered the Great Hall. "This has potential…"

Ron stopped looking disgusted long enough to ask, "Potential?"

Harry just grinned, before reaching into his robes and pulling out a sheet of parchment. "'Scuse me, Ron, I've got a few Valentines to send."

With that, he started skipping off towards the dwarves, a wide Uzumaki-prankster grin on his face and snickering evilly every few steps.

"What's _that _about?" Ron asked Hermione, who was jolted out of staring at Lockhart.

"Hmm?" she asked dreamily.

Ron sweatdropped. "Never mind."

Of course, it didn't end there.

Harry's little errand was left mainly unnoticed, due to a bizarre combination of luck, shinobi skill, and the fact boys were too busy being disgusted and girls were too busy mooning at Lockhart. Thus, it was a complete surprise when the dwarves suddenly walked to the center of the Great Hall and started to sing.

"_Hogwarts girls, Hogwarts girls, they're the greatest girls there ever were…_"

The sudden serenade went on for longer, naming specific students– and teachers– which caused a lot of blushing. No one had ever seen McGonagall so red. It described Hermione as having the intelligence of a muse, Pansy Parkinson as being as attractive as an elephant (although in this case, it managed to sound like a _good_ thing), and other girls as having numerous assets, whether they be internal or external.

When the song ended, there was a lot of sighing going around from said girls, while most boys gagged. A few of the more intelligent ones, however–such as the Weasley twins– were feverishly taking notes for pickup lines. After all, if you could make Pansy Parkinson _want_ to be compared to an elephant…

Through out that day, the dwarfs kept barging into every room, each time singing a new version of what was now popularly known as "Hogwarts Girls." After each rendition, they went up to every girl and sang a personal Valentine for her.

At the end of the day, there was absolutely no doubt _who _the perpetrator of the mass, school-wide Valentines was. Girls were gushing at Harry left and right wherever he went, even those girls from Slytherin. Guys were torn between cheering him on and hating his guts. After all, how many people would not only have the nerve to send Valentines to _every girl in the school_, but have the audacity to tell everyone about it?

"Harry," Hermione told him very seriously, "do you have a death wish?"

Harry just grinned, hands behind his head as he leaned back on his chair. "Now, now Koneko-chan, you don't have to get jealous. I have a song for you too."

Hermione's eyebrow twitched, and Ron, not as dense as people would think, immediately started backing away from the warning sign. "_Koneko-chan?_"

"Well, you made such a good kitten, I thought–" Harry was interrupted as an armchair wielding _kitten_ attacked him. "_KONEKO-CHAN! BE REASONABLE!_"

"I'll reasonable you, Potter!"

Somewhere in the castle, Myrtle was still on cloud nine from _her_ Valentine.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in Konoha…

"Why do _we_ have to deliver all of onii-chan's Valentines?" Naruto grumbled as he and Sasuke made their way through the streets of Konoha. Dawn was still a few minutes off, and while it wasn't too cold, the two of them still shivered slightly as they tried to balance the huge stack of envelopes in their hands. While there couldn't _possibly_ be one for every girl in Konoha, they figured it was pretty darn close.

"Because if we don't, we'll be hounded by crazy women asking for word from our brother all day," Sasuke replied. At least his brother had the decency not to send a Valentine to Ino and Sakura… and the rest of his classmates, of course. They were all _much_ too young for him. "Do you want to tell a chuunin that aniki didn't think of her on Valentines Day?"

Naruto shuddered in horror at the images of destruction that followed. "At least we're getting ramen out of this," he muttered.

Sasuke's lips twitched. "Speaking of which, did you happen to make a Valentine for Ayame-san? I'm sure your little ramen girlfriend would be _so _disappointed if you didn't send her anything today. Why, she might not make you any ramen."

Naruto's face paled in horror at the thought, and Sasuke laughed. Neither of them noticed the small figure following them at a distance, her slightly violet shaded white eyes focused on the blond…

By the end of the day, they'd delivered Valentines to the teacher of the special kunoichi class in the Academy; Yuri, the owner of Konoha's Secret, the most popular lingerie store in the village; Yuki and Miko at the Hokage tower; the kunoichi who was the head of the ANBU special seduction corps; all the other kunoichi who were members of the ANBU special seduction corps; a few Academy students in the year ahead of them; a few of Harry's former classmates; a few of his former classmates' senseis, and even a few Hyuuga girls.

Harry was _very_ popular.

----------------------------------------

Back at Hogwarts…

That night, Harry was messing around with the diary he'd found in Myrtles bathroom the last time he'd went to make out with her, and realized something curious. It seemed to _absorb_ ink. Wondering what this meant, Harry took a quill and wrote…

----------------------------------------

"Riddle _might_ have got the wrong person," Hermione said as they pondered Harry's breakthrough. "Maybe it was some other monster that was attacking people…"

"How many monster d'you think this place could hold?" Ron asked dully.

Harry began to tick items off his fingers by licking off the homemade chocolate stuck there from all the Valentines he'd gotten from home (along with a message from his brothers telling him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't do anything about the situation by next year, they were eating all his chocolate instead of sending it to him). Five down, a couple of dozen boxes to go. "Well, there's Peeves, then there was Fluffy, the troll on Halloween last year, the troll guarding the Stone, the Devil's Snare–"

"ALL RIGHT, I GET THE IDEA!" Ron yelled.

Harry nodded, satisfied he'd made his point. "I'm with Koneko-chan on this. It must have been something else. Whatever that thing was that Hagrid was taking care of, it can't be the monster. I mean, it ran away, didn't it? Why come back now?"

Hermione's eyebrow twitched, but she seemed to have resolved to ignore Harry's persistent desire to call her kitten.

"Besides," Harry said, a weird fire in his eyes as he clenched his fist. "If it _is_ Hagrid, than as his friends, it is our duty and obligation to side with him! If he wants to kill all muggleborns, than the three of us should be helping round them up for easy annihilation!"

Ron and Hermione stared at him in horror, wondering if he'd gone insane.

The serious look on Harry's face cracked. "Kidding! But really, as Hagrid's friends, we must get to the truth of this matter and clear our friend of slander! ARE YOU WITH ME?"

"YES!" Ron yelled, jumping right next to Harry on top of the table, thrusting his fist into the air.

Hermione pretended she didn't know them, hiding behind her copy of Icha Icha Paradise and immersing herself in virile men, loose women and lots of repetitive, strenuous physical activity…

----------------------------------------

Harry stood stock still, looking down on the petrified body of Hermione. His eyes narrowed as a rage he'd only really felt once before burned in his heart. He ignored Professor McGonagall's question, choosing instead to try and hold Hermione's hand. It was stiff, feeling as rigid as wood. "Koneko-chan…" he whispered.

First, whoever had stolen the diary, and now this. Harry shook slightly as he let himself be dragged out of the room back towards Gryffindor Tower. It was personal. Someone had hurt one of his precious people. There would be hell to pay!

Whoever this Heir of Slytherin was, he was now on The List just under Uchiha Itachi…

----------------------------------------

Harry walked carefully, wand-loaded dagger in hand as he followed the two spiders illuminated by the light coming from the end of the blade. He'd left Ron out of this one, given the boy's obvious fear of spiders. Although there was a chance he'd be offended with Harry leaving him behind, Harry knew this was something he needed to do alone. After all, _he_ had been in the Forbidden Forest countless times before, not counting that memorable little detention last year. It made a great training facility, with potential death at every corner…

Still, he'd never been _this_ deep before. Harry turned to look back, seeing only darkness behind him. wondering if maybe he should try and get above the tree line and get his bearings, when he suddenly _felt_ something coming his way with inhuman speed. He whirled, waving his light from side to side, and barely had enough time realize something was above him, when something long and hairy suddenly grabbed him around the middle and lifted him off the ground. He immediately stabbed the thing with his dagger, the light going out for a moment as the tip plunged into flesh. Something liquid stained his front as the thing that was holding him suddenly gave a cry, although it was more akin to a loud clicking.

Twisting out of it's grip, he felt himself begin to drop to the ground when another pair of hairy limbs suddenly grabbed him, this time trapping his limbs to his sides. The light from his dagger waved uselessly as he struggled to move, wishing he knew how to do a seal-less Kawarimi. He was close, but he still didn't _quite_ have it…

It was a quick journey through the trees, moving deeper into the Forest, deeper than he'd ever gone, before he was suddenly dropped into a vast hollow, and into a scene out of a bad dream. Harry was suddenly glad he hadn't bought Ron along as he gazed at the enormous spiders ringing him from all sides.

"Aragog!" the spider that had been carrying him said. Wait, a spider was talking? "Aragog!"

Something told Harry things were about to get weird.

A little heart to heart later…

"Well, I'll be going now," Harry said cheerfully as Aragog started backing into his domed web. No need to show how twisted with the need for self-preservation his insides were becoming. "See you around! Maybe we can chat again some time!"

Aragog paused. Harry knew he was screwed. "Go? I think not…"

Harry began a low litany of curses as he depressed a little stud on his dagger, and the flammable acid started to coat the blade.

"Good bye, friend of Hagrid…"

Harry was moving before Aragog was done. "_AVADA_ _KEDAVRA_!" Harry cried as he waved his dagger, green jets of light shooting out from the tip of his weapon. The results were mixed. Some spiders died on the spot, while other, bigger ones suddenly started bleeding profusely where they had struck, their body obviously torn by the spell that was a _bit_ too weak to kill them outright.

_This was going to be a long night,_ Harry thought as he proceeded to fight his way out of the Acromantula lair…

----------------------------------------

Harry slept like the dead when he finally got back to Hogwarts during the wee hours of the morning. He actually missed his early morning training session. Not that it mattered. After that little life and death battle from the heart of the Forbidden Forest, he was pretty much off the hook training wise.

It was lucky Ron woke him up before the other in their dorm did. Harry was covered by various bodily fluids, some of it his own. Luckily for him, his supply of antidotes and his ever-useful healing _jutsu_ had seen him through, and while still sore everywhere, with bruises the size of pancakes in various places, all he really needed was a shower and a change of bedding.

"You went to the Forbidden Forest without _me_?" Ron said, sounding indignant as Harry dried his hair from his quick bath. There was nothing to be done for the bed.

"There were spiders, Ron," Harry said "Huge, gigantic, as-big-as-Fluffy spiders."

"Oh," Ron said. "Well, in that case…"

Harry waved off his friend's embarrassment, before telling him everything Aragog had told him.

"So the girl who died was found in a bathroom?" Ron said, seeming to think about it for a while, before his eyes went wide with realization. "Harry! What if she never left? What if she's still there?"

Harry frowned. "What are you talking abou–" Harry cut off as it dawned on him too.

Ron grinned. "Your little girlfriend… _Moaning Myrtle_."

----------------------------------------

Harry resolved to ask his Myrtle-chan about it, but ever since the last attack, he hadn't been able to sneak off and visit her. Using shinobi sneaking skills to get around was one thing, but it was next to impossible to sneak when _everyone_ around you was keeping an eye on everyone else, never mind the teachers.

Also…

"Hey, you okay Ginny-chan?" Harry asked as the hubbub that had arisen after McGonagall's announcement had subsided.

Ginny didn't answer right away. Instead, she twisted her hands on her lap, looking around the table. Harry was struck by the look on her face. What did Ginny have to be scared about? Besides the obvious possibility of being attacked by the monster of Slytherin, of course.

"Ginny-chan?" Harry prompted, stuffing down the urge to ask her what the heck was wrong. He'd learned a long time ago being blunt with their problems was something girls ever found endearing. "Is something wrong?"

Ginny squirmed some more. "I've got to tell you something," she mumbled, not looking at Harry. The genin was barely able to make out what she was saying as it was.

Harry weighed his options and decided it was best to try and break the tension a little. Honestly, it was stifling!

"You're finally agreeing to marry me?" Harry said, sparkles suddenly in his eyes.

At this, Ginny went red, suddenly looking faint.

Before she could answer, however, Percy suddenly appeared.

"If you've finished eating, I'll take that seat, Ginny. I'm starving, I've only just come off patrol duty."

It was Harry's turn to blink as Ginny suddenly stood up like her butt was on fire. Percy sat down on her seat as Ginny scampered away.

"Percy," Harry said, sounding peeved, "I'm having Flourish and Blotts put you on the Icha Icha blacklist."

Percy choked on his tea. "Wh-why?"

Harry sniffed, getting out of his chair. "Not that it matters, but you just scared off my future wife from telling me she was going to marry me."

With that, the young shinobi left, trying to follow Ginny.

Meanwhile, back at the table…

"Huh?" Percy said, looking around at everyone around him. They just gave him the "You are _so_ dense" look.

----------------------------------------

Harry settled heavily on the seat next to Hermione's bed. Since McGonagall had caught them, they'd ended up coming here.

Heart clenched painfully, Harry took Hermione's hand, stroking the stiff fingers as he prayed nothing would stop the potion from being readied that night. "Koneko-chan…"

Ron winced slightly at the nicknamed, still half-trained to try and preserve his existence whenever that term was mentioned in Hermione's presence. Trying to get his mind out of the subject, he said, "Wonder if she did see the attacker, though? Because if he sneaked up on them all, no one'll ever know…"

Harry didn't answer, too busy beating himself internally for letting someone important to him get hurt again. First it was Naruto, then Sasuke, and now Hermione. Wouldn't he _ever_ be strong enough to protect the people precious to him?

"Hey, what's that?" Ron said, staring intently at Hermione's other hand.

Blinking away ghosts of tears, Harry looked. A slip of paper was clenched inside her fist. How the heck had he missed that? Had he been so consumed with grief and guilt that he'd been to blind to look around for any clues?

_Apparently_, Harry thought sourly as he tried to pry out the piece of paper while Ron kept a look out, _yes…_

----------------------------------------

Harry physically _dragged_ Lockhart by his leg from his office down to Myrtle's bathroom, making sure the older man's head slammed hard against the floor with every tug. How _dare _the man just leave like that, when it was supposed to be _his_ responsibility to get Ginny back? Harry was _this_ close to torturing the man to within an inch of his life. No, forget his life! After the torture, he'd be dead! Harry had a very hard view of desertion. It was a betrayal in his eyes, and there was nothing worse than betrayal.

Ron followed close behind, his wand pointed straight at Lockhart, but his foot perfectly positioned to kick him in the face should he try anything. In fact, Harry had told him not to bother waiting for the blond to do anything and just kick him as he felt like it, but Ron was showing an uncommon amount of restraint, considering the man had pretty much consigned his sister to death. Harry found that admirable. _He_ wasn't sure if he'd have the strength to keep himself away from anyone who dared do that to his brothers.

When they reached Myrtle's bathroom, Harry grabbed Lockhart by the neck, partially choking the man as he pulled him up to his feet by slamming him against the door to open it. No, he did _not_ have the strength to keep himself away. Pushing the man ahead of him until he slammed into the far wall, Harry pressed his foot against Lockhart's neck as he opened the stall he knew Myrtle was sitting. "Myr-chan?" Harry said as softly as he could given his mood. "It's me."

There was a cry as Myrtle shot out of her cubicle and into his chakra charged arms, pressing her head against his chest.

"Sorry I'm late," Harry said gently even as he pushed his foot harder into Lockhart. "It's been kind of harder to sneak off here, what with all the attacks an all."

Ron rolled his eyes in good-natured exasperation even as he pressed his wand against Lockhart's temple.

"That's all right," Myrtle said as she finally looked up, silvery ghost tears glistening on her cheeks. "As long as you're here, Harry…"

Smiling sadly, Harry bent down, gently kissing the ghost's lips. The girl in his arms shivered a moment, before he drew back, his face sad and serious.

"Myrtle, I need to ask you," he said, twisting his foot slightly so it pressed harder against the blond's neck. "How did you die? We need to know."

Blinking in surprise, Myrtle hesitantly told them…

----------------------------------------

Harry motioned for silence the minute he was on his feet, one of his _kunai_ pressed against Lockhart's throat to get the message across. He listened for the telltale hissing of a snake, but no sound reached his ears. Deeming it safe for the moment, Harry raised his wand. "_Lumos_," he said almost silently, and behind him, Ron did the same. Pushing Lockhart in front of him– the man might as well be useful– they started moving down the tunnel.

Harry glared at Ron when the other boy stepped on a rat skull, reminding his fellow Gryffindor for the need for silence. Reaching a bend in the tunnel, Harry wished he had a mirror so he could look around the corner. Granted, he couldn't hear, feel or smell anything, but that did not mean there was nothing there. Thinking it over, he decided to work with the resources available to him.

"You first," he hissed–in English– at Lockhart, before pushing the man on ahead of him. The man yelped, the cry echoing through the darkness, but Harry heard no reply, the slithering over the ground or hiss of any kind. Gesturing to Ron next to him, they followed after Lockhart.

They found him sprawled out on the ground, staring in horror at, upon closer inspection, what looked to be a giant snakeskin. Rolling his eyes, Harry pulled Lockhart roughly to his feet, before striding forward to inspect the skin in front of him, trying to gain a sense of what he was up against. Since the skin hadn't been preserved by artificial means, that meant that it must have been relatively recent, within the past few weeks or so.

Harry was just bending down to get an idea of the position of the eyes when the sound of knees hitting the ground caught his ears.

His head jerked up in time to see Ron approaching Lockhart, who was on his knees, with his wand pointed. "Get up," Ron said.

"NO RON!" Harry cried, struggling to get there in time.

It was too late. Lockhart dived at Ron, knocking him to the ground and taking his wand, which he pointed at Harry. "OBLIVIATE!"

But Harry had been moving even before Lockhart was up. A _shuriken_ was already speeding in the air even as Lockhart had been casting his spell. It hit Ron's wand just as he finished, causing the wand to explode with the force of a small bomb. Harry stumbled backward at the blast, raising his arm to protect his head. His foot caught on the snakeskin behind him and he fell over, instinctively rolling backwards and away as the ceiling started to come down.

"RON!" he cried as he quickly scrambled to his feet, pounding on the rock wall now separating him from his friend–and one idiot. "RON! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"Fine!" was the muffled reply. "Lockhart isn't, though– he got blasted by the wand!"

Harry winced as he heard Ron kicking Lockhart, realizing he owed his friend a new wand. He _did_ break it, after all. "Look, you try to dig through from your end, okay? If I'm not back by an hour, go and get help! Try calling to Myrtle, and have her call some teachers. Don't come after me until you know for sure someone's on their way, okay?"

There was a pause on the other end. "I'll try and shift some of this rock," Ron said. "Harry–"

But Harry was already gone, running down the tunnel as silently as only a shinobi could be, dagger in hand as he shoved and sealed his wand inside it. He wasn't the least bit repentant for running off like that. Quite the contrary; he'd been planning to leave Ron before he had to confront whoever was behind this. The cave-in had been very convenient.

Whatever happened, no more of his precious people were going to get hurt!

----------------------------------------

Harry killed the light from his dagger as he stepped in through the serpent-carved doors, letting him be plunged into semi-darkness. It was a calculated risk. The light made him a target to anyone he couldn't see. Darting towards the nearest carved pillar, Harry quickly began to dash upwards, running– so to speak– until he was halfway to the ceiling. Looked down, he watched for any sign of movement.

When nothing appeared forthcoming, he slowly began to jump from one pillar to another towards the other end of the room, looking down every so often to check for the Basilisk. Soon, Harry found himself looking up at a giant stone face. Unlike the Hokage's faces he was used to, this one was also there from the neck down. Not that it helped. The statue was butt-ugly, in his opinion.

His rumination on the aesthetic appeal–or lack thereof– of the statue was interrupted, however, by the sight of Ginny lying between the statue's feet. Forgetting to be careful, he effortlessly dropped to the ground next to her. Slipping his dagger back into his thigh holster with the ease of long practice, he turned Ginny over, immediately worried. Her body was lax, so she wasn't petrified, and she was still breathing, so she wasn't dead, but…

"Ginny-chan," he whispered, feeling her forehead. It was cold, dangerously so. He'd only encountered this once, with Sasuke, about a month after he'd started living with them. The doctors had said he'd almost died… "Ginny-chan, wake up."

Desperately, he made the seals for his ever-useful healing _jutsu_, but before he could make the last one, a voice said, "She won't wake."

Harry was up in an instant, dagger in hand, _kunai_ clenched in the other. A tall, black-haired boy was leaning against the nearest pillar. Harry was surprised he'd managed to sneak up on him. a distant part of his psyche screamed that Anko was going to kill him for slipping so far, but the more immediate part was suspicious. He could barely pick up the guy in his chakra awareness, and even then, he kept flickering in an out, technically ceasing to exist.

"Tom Riddle?" Harry said, wondering how the heck _he'd_ gotten here. He said so. "What the heck are _you_ doing here?"

Riddle said nothing, a small smile the only sign he'd heard Harry's exclamation.

"Are you a ghost or something?" Harry demanded, his grip on his dagger never shifting. "Because you certainly don't feel like one."

"A memory," Riddle said. "Preserved in a diary for fifty years."

Harry's eyes flicked around, finally spotting the diary next to one of the statues toes. "How did _that_ get here?"

Riddle only smiled, that now-becoming-infuriating smile.

Harry shook his head, stuffing the _kunai_ back in their holster, although he never lost his grip on the dagger. "Never mind. Look, we've got to move. There's a Basilisk somewhere around here, and–"

"It won't come until it's called," Riddle said.

That made Harry pause. Slowly, he turned towards Riddle. "What do you mean," Harry said slowly, "it won't come until it's called?"

"It won't come until it's called," Riddle repeated, suddenly whirling a wand between his fingers, one Harry recognized as Ginny's. "We wouldn't want it barging in on our conversation now, would we?"

"What the (BLEEP) are you talking about?" Harry demanded, sliding back into a ready position. "Have _you_ been the one sending the Basilisk to attack students?"

"Oh no, it wasn't me," Riddle said slyly. "It was Ginny."

"LIAR!" Harry spat. "Ginny-chan would never do that, you little (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP BLEEEP BLEEP)!!!"

Riddle's eyebrows rose. "Such language," he chided. "But it was her doing. After all, no one asked her to pour her soul into me…"

Harry listened in horror and raging anger as the figure before him started monologing. His rage doubled at the admission that Hagrid had been framed. But something else burned inside him…

"WHY?" he demanded. "WHY GO THROUGH ALL THAT (BLEEP)-ING TROUBLE JUST TO TALK TO ME?"

"Well," Riddle said slowly, as if considering, "I've always wanted to know how a little brat like you managed to defeat me."

"Defeat _you?_" Harry repeated.

Smiling, Riddle wrote in the air.

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

A wave, and then:

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

Harry twitched. "Voldemort?" he hissed. "VOLDEMORT?"

"Voldemort," Riddle confirmed almost proudly. "The greatest sorcerer in the whole world."

"HAH!" Harry spat. "That's a laugh! To be great, you need to have courage! Something a coward like you wouldn't know anything about!"

Ignoring the way Riddle's eyes were narrowing, Harry sneered. "Running around in the dark, having a little girl and your pet do all the work… you're a coward, through and through. Hell, you never even had the guts to go up against Dumbledore when you were alive, much less dead! _He's_ the greatest sorcerer, not you!"

"He's been driven out of this castle by the mere _memory_ of me!" Riddle hissed back.

"Physically, maybe," Harry said, finally getting tired of talking. He crouched lower, his dagger angled and ready to either cut or cast. "But _I'm_ still here, and so are those who stand with him! And that means Dumbledore's here too!"

Before Riddle could respond, music began to rise. Flame appeared at the top of the nearest pillar, and suddenly, a crimson bird appeared, singing as it rose, and Harry's heart seemed to rise with it…

The next second, the bird was landing on Harry's shoulder, a ragged bundle falling near Harry's feet.

"A phoenix…?" Riddle said, staring.

Harry was too, in a way. "_Fawkes?_" he asked, and he felt a gentle, confirming squeeze on his shoulder.

"And _that– _" Riddle said, pointing, "Is the school Sorting Hat."

Harry risked looking down. Yup, it was.

After Riddle had a good laugh and Harry finished compensating for Fawkes' weight, Riddle said, "To business, Harry. Twice– in your past, in my future– we have met. _How did you survive?_"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You want to know?" he sneered. "_Tough!_"

At once, a hard look came over Riddle's face, and all the false joviality seemed wiped away. "Fine then," he said raising Ginny's wand. "Then I have no use for you. "

Spinning, he turned to face the statue, raising the wand over his head. "_Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four!_"

Harry spun, his eyes widening in horror as the mouth of the gigantic stone face began to open.

"(BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP)!" Harry yelled, backing away until he hit a wall, pulling his _hitai-ate_ down over his eyes. On his shoulder, Fawkes took flight, and Harry was silently grateful. He'd be more maneuverable now, although what good that would do him fighting blind, he didn't know. He resolved to get Anko to train him to fight blind if he ever got out of this alive.

Now, why was he more afraid of the thought of training with Anko than with the thought of getting killed by a giant snake? Oh, that's right, the snake could only kill him. The bitch could do worse!

He felt a tremor as something _huge_ hit the floor. His chakra senses could feel something close to where Ginny was, could hear something slithering across the ground. Then he heard Riddle's voice hiss: "_Kill him._"

Spinning, Harry charged his feet with chakra, one hand raising his makeshift blindfold slightly so he could get some idea of where he was going. The next moment, he was running up the wall, confident that the snake, for all it's abilities, couldn't fly. Behind him, Riddle gave a cry of rage and astonishment.

A shockwave rippled through the wall just behind him, and he nearly fell off before managing to catch himself with chakra. He cursed as he remembered how some of the snakes at the Forest Of Death had hunted: by coiling their body tightly and launching themselves at their prey.

He redoubled his speed, barely staying ahead of snake, which kept lunging at him. He was just wondering how long before he struck the far wall when there was a sudden hissing cry of pain. Harry turned his head out of habit, trying to see what had happened, and kept his nose from getting broken as he slammed cheek first into the far wall he'd been thinking about.

Losing his grip on the wall, Harry felt, retaining enough presence on mind at the last minute to pry his _hitai-ate_ away from his eyes so he could land. Wincing as his feet hit the hard stone, the shinobi took off his forehead protector completely, angling it in front of him to check out the reflection on the polished surface. He was just in time again to see Fawkes diving down into the Basilisk's face, followed by a sudden shower of blood. The snake thrashed, turning it's head suddenly, and before he could shut his eyes, saw the reflection of it's face. Both it's eyes had been gouged out. And since he was currently looking at it's reflection and not getting petrified…

"YES!" he cried, quickly tying the strip of cloth back around his head as he turned to face the monster again. "THANK YOU FAWKES!"

True, he was still fighting against a gigantic snake that was highly poisonous and outside his capability to reason with even with his Parseltongue ability, but at least he could fight it without getting killed by it's look!

Grabbing his dagger-encased-wand, he pointed it at the snake. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A green jet of light flew from the tip of the weapon, slamming into the Basilisk's side, and it screamed as a chunk was torn from it's flesh. It wasn't very big, only about the size of Harry's fist, but it was the first blood on his side of the offensive.

Sending chakra to his legs, he dove to the side as the Basilisk began to move his way. It could still smell him, apparently, but that was all right. He didn't intend to stand still long enough to let it get to him. flipping over backwards, he sent more Killing Curses at the snake, although that only seemed to enrage it. Harry wondered why the heck they'd call this the killing curse if it couldn't instantly kill _everything_ you threw it at. Honestly, it was good for killing humans and below, but anything past that was a toss-up between death and paper cuts.

With one final cry of exasperation, Harry tucked his weapon back into his holster, his hands flickering into seals. Soon, a shifting blue glow appeared on his hands as he finished the technique with a cry of, "_Chakra no Mesu!_"

With a wordless battle cry, he charged at the blind snake, noting Fawkes swooping in behind him on his peripheral vision. The phoenix sang one, pure note, and Harry's resolve firmed, a smile highly reminiscent of his sensei coming to his lips. Flying ahead of him, the phoenix attacked the Basilisk's face drawing it's attention even as Harry darted down low. He reached out a hand to touch the monster's side even as he sent chakra into it, willing the scalpels on his hands to go as deep as possible.

Even though the skin remained unbroken, the Basilisk gave out another pained cry as Harry darted away, narrowly missing getting hit by the snake's main body as it convulsed to turn on him. Above them, Fawkes sang again, another pure, sparkling note that lent a fraction of strength to Harry's limbs.

Jumping and back-flipping away from the serpent, Harry raised his hands again, mindful not to direct them at himself. He felt a breath of wind as Fawkes hovered close by. Something about it brought a smile to his lips even as the Basilisk turned blindly towards them, striking pillars as it did so.

"Ready for another run?" Harry asked quietly and Fawkes gave another melodious trill in reply. "Then let's go!"

Again, Harry darted towards the giant serpent, hands out and ready to slash as Fawkes covered him from above. The phoenix attacked the Basilisk's face once more, even as Harry darted for the snake's other side, his scalpel going in as deeply as his chakra could make it…

He never saw the tail coming until it knocked the wind out of him, and sent him flying for at least a hundred feet. He hit the ground hard, the force of the blow keeping him rolling for another twenty feet before he finally stopped. There was a burning, sickly sensation he was very familiar with coming from inside him. He coughed, spitting out blood as he did so. Oh great, internal bleeding. Quickly, he made the necessary seals, placing his glowing hands over the areas that felt injured and trying to get the _jutsu_ to penetrate down to the internal damage.

He barely had enough time to look up to realize the Basilisk was almost on top of him. He rolled to the side, the beast's tongue lashing against his sandals as it struck the spot where he'd been sitting. He rolled as he'd been taught to do, facing the beast and jumping back even as his hands flew out, tagged _kunai_ fizzing as they struck the thick reptilian skin.

Harry used the force of the blast to propel him farther away. He landed feet first against a pillar, losing his concentration for a moment as another coughing fit came over him. There was less blood this time, but his chest still hurt. He dropped to the ground, landing on his back, and before he could get up, something ragged struck the pillar above him and landed on his face.

_About time!_ he heard the voice of the sorting hat say as he got to his feet as quickly as he could in his groggy condition, moving the hat out of his face and eyes even as he felt it contract, and _something_ heavy hit the top of his head, almost knocking him out.

"Hey!" he yelled, pulling the hat off his head vehemently and feeling something inside it. "What's the (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ing idea?" Great, now even the _hat_ was trying to kill him.

Flipping the hat over, he looked at what was inside it and raised an eyebrow, before drawing forth the gleaming, silver sword. Grasping the handle, he pulled it out of the Sorting Hat– how the (BLEEP) did it manage to fit in there?–thankful he'd paid attention to _all_ the lessons involving weaponry Iruka-sensei had given them.

The Basilisk lunged after him again, it's face burned from the explosive tags, and Harry spun, reacting on instinct as he sidestepped, slashing at the Basilisk's open mouth. A fang went flying even as a line of blood appeared in the snake's mouth. Harry jumped over it's head as the Basilisk lunged again, landing on it's unprotected head. Grasping the sword with both hands as he charged his feet with chakra, Harry reversed his grip and stabbed straight down, breaking the skull and going right into the monster's brain.

The Basilisk roared in pure pain once more as Harry twisted the blade trying to get it to sink deeper in, wishing this was his dagger so he could just activate the acid flow. Still, after a few moments of hanging on for dear life, the Basilisk keeled over sideways, twitching as it dropped to the floor.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as he touched the ground, loosening his grip on the sword still stuck in the Basilisk's head. He coughed again, more blood coming up, and made a mental note to start lugging around a potion for internal bleeding…

A searing pain lanced through him as _something _struck his shoulder. Blinking through the pain, he looked down, catching sight of the fang lodged into his chest, next to his shoulder. Blearily, he looked up as he reached for the tooth and pulled it out of him, the pain dulled by the waves of agony starting to flood his system.

Riddle was striding towards him, wand in hand. He'd obviously used it to send the tooth flying into Harry.

"You know, I considered using the Killing Curse," Riddle said distantly as Harry's knees buckled and collapsed under him, dropping him to the ground, "but after that little show, I thought you deserved something slower and more agonizing."

Harry somehow summoned up the strength to raise his hand and give Riddle the finger. "(BLEEP) (BLEEP), (BLEEP BLEEP)!" he gasped as his vision began to fade. He tried to reach into his pouch for his supply of antidotes, but his fingers weren't cooperating, getting twisted into convoluted shapes. A patch of scarlet blew past, and there was the sound of talons scraping the floor next to him.

"Hey, Fawkes," Harry managed to say without too much slurring. "Thanks for the help. We made a great team, didn't we?"

The bird threw back it's head singing a slightly mournful tune that never the less made Harry's heart feel lighter, alleviating the pain for a moment and drowning out whatever it was Riddle was saying. Harry watched as if from a distance as Fawkes bent his head to the wound, silvery tears gleaming in the dim light…

Instantly, the pain started to fade, the room slowly coming back into focus. Harry shook his head slightly, blinking his eyes as he glanced down at the wound– which wasn't there anymore.

"Get away, bird!" Riddles voice suddenly said. "Get away–"

That was all he managed to get out as Harry suddenly lunged at him, fist whistling through the air as he struck Riddle in the jaw. There was a sharp crack, but Harry wasn't through yet. His knee rose up, meeting with Riddle's stomach, before a sharp kick sent the other boy/memory flying.

"Don't mess with my friends," Harry growled, hand darting to his holster for his dagger. There was another rush of wings as Fawkes soared past, dropping something in front of Harry, who caught it.

Harry looked at the diary in his hand, and knew what Fawkes wanted him to do. "Die," he said, plunging his dagger into the book as he flicked on the acid feed.

The screams of agony didn't last _nearly _as long as Harry wanted them to.

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"You're alive!" Myrtle cried as she suddenly pounced on Harry, much to Ginny's discomfort since this meant Myrtle was trying to hug Harry _through_ her. "Oh, HARRY!"

Harry smiled tiredly, finding enough chakra left in his inner coils to let him touch the girl. "Why? Hoping I'd died?" he teased, moving Ginny out of the way, much to the red-head's relief.

Myrtle blushed silver, looking very shy. "Um, well…"

Harry laughed. "Don't worry. If I die, you're the first ghost who'll know."

Ron coughed pointedly, suddenly aware of the fact that Ginny, despite her tears, was doing her best to glower at the ghost girl. "Um, Harry, we kind of have to go…?"

Harry sighed, stroking Myrtle's cheek. "Sorry Myr-chan, we have to report in. I'll drop by later, okay?"

"Okay," Myrtle said, still blushing.

Following Fawkes led them to Professor McGonagall's office, where they met with a pair of hysterical Weasley parents, a hyperventilating Transfiguration teacher, and a beaming Dumbledore ("Hey, old man. Back so soon?").

After a rather lengthy explanation where Harry glossed over how he'd fought the Basilisk, got things cleared up, had people sent to the Hospital Wing and had a little talk on the nature of choice, Harry was about to leave for the feast– after sneaking into the Hospital Wing to get something for internal bleeding– the door opened, and who would walk in but–

"Why, hello, Mrs. Malfoy!" Harry said cheerfully, glad he'd taken the time to slip his wand out of his dagger and up his sleeve. He ignored Dobby for the moment. "What brings you here this fine, fine night?"

Lucius Malfoy directed a furious face at Harry, who wasn't fazed one bit. He'd dealt with _Anko_ after all. After that, few things stay scary. When Harry just kept on smiling, Malfoy Sr. decided to ignore him, striding towards Dumbledore, who was pointedly looking away and, in Harry's expert opinion, trying to hold back a smile and then some.

Harry tuned out the discussion between the two men, focusing his unrelenting gaze on Dobby. Said House Elf, despite having a gaze that had been patterned after one of the best– a certain evil incarnate red-eyed weasel came to mind– directed at him, was staring meaningfully at Harry, pointing at the diary in Dumbledore's hands, then at Mr. Malfoy, then hitting himself on the head.

Harry, understandably not at his best after a fight against a giant snake and getting stabbed with poison, took a while to make sense of this, especially given the fact that he'd always had a problem trying to figure out what exactly made 'sense' to Dobby. After all, breaking his arm and nearly killing him to save his life? Sounds like something Anko would think up.

Harry had a sudden image of Dobby in a fishnet suit, leather skirt and trench coat, and was torn between laughing and shuddering in horror.

After finally listening to the conversational cues in the back ground, however, the genin eventually got it.

So after that, it was a short escapade for Harry to set Dobby free and have Dobby throw Lucius Malfoy out ("See you around, Mrs. Malfoy! Don't be a stranger!") before Harry could bury his dagger in the man for putting his friends in danger. Malfoy senior was officially on The List.

"Harry Potter freed Dobby!" the elf cried, dancing around for joy, staring at Harry in wonder. "Harry Potter set Dobby free!"

Harry shrugged, feeling embarrassed for some reason. "Least I could do, Dobby," he said, running his fingers through his hair and making a mental note to clean up the blood in it. He bent down to be able to look the elf at eye-level, solemnly both hands on Dobby's shoulders. "Just promise me one thing."

"Anything, Harry Potter!" Dobby said.

Dobby suddenly found himself nose-to-nose with an Uzumaki who was giving off enough killing intent to give a whole room of senior citizens heart attacks. "Don't ever try to save my life again!"

Dobby was creeped out for all of a second. "I promise, Harry Potter!" Dobby said, nodding cheerfully.

Abruptly, the killing intent was gone, and Harry was smiling too as he set Dobby back down. "Good. Well, I better go. I have a feast, a friend and a girl waiting for me. See you around Dobby!"

Dobby hugged Harry's waist. "Harry Potter is greater by far than Dobby knew! Farewell, Harry Potter!"

With that, Dobby disappeared.

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A few days later, Harry found himself in Myrtle's bathroom, trying to comfort a weeping ghost. " Don't cry, Myr-chan. It's only two months. I'll be back before you know it!"

"B-but, I wish it didn't have to be that way," Myrtle said between sobs. "Why do you have to go?"

"I have family waiting for me back home, Myr-chan," Harry said softly. "You understand, don't you?"

"It's not fair!" Myrtle cried, blowing her nose on a ghostly hanky. "I wish I could come with you!"

There was a pause.

"Why not?"

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Naruto, Sasuke, and Mrs. Weasley stood next to each other on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, valiantly doing their best to ignore the mob of men and some women behind them asking Jiraiya for autographs as they waited for the train to arrive.

"I hope you don't judge us by him," Sasuke said diffidently, remembering he hadn't been able to speak with this woman much. "We don't actually see him much at home, and he himself is a pretty decent guy once you get past the perversion."

"Usually," Naruto amended.

"I'm not blaming you two dears," Mrs. Weasley said, ignoring the fact that her husband was in that crowd somewhere. "I just don't approve of–"

"Hey, it's the train!" Naruto cried out, pointing in the distance, the discussion forgotten. "Are you sure aniki– um, that is, big brother was all right when you saw him last time, Mrs. Weasley?"

"From what I could see," Mrs. Weasley said as some parents broke away from the mob, many husbands getting thwacked on the ear. "Your brother's a hero."

"We know," Sasuke said proudly.

"I wonder what kind of surprise he's got for us," Naruto said. "I hope it's something cool!"

Any further discussion was halted as the train skidded to a stop in front of them and the first wave of returning children were greeted by their parents. The two Uzumaki boys tried to see over the crowd, but it was Mrs. Weasley who saw them first.

"Oh, there they are. RON, OVER HERE! And, oh, gracious, who's that with them?"

Naruto and Sasuke could only blink as Harry and his friends walked over to them with all their things, a ghost in tow. Ron seemed to find the whole thing amusing, constantly chuckling under his breath, while Hermione was closer to exasperated, looking at Harry in askance. Ginny, meanwhile, was looking a bit put off, even though Harry had his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey Naruto, Sasuke!" Harry greeted, letting go of Ginny as his two brothers rushed forward to give him a hug. "It's great to see you two again!"

"ANIKI!" the two boys chorused, and the three degenerated in laughter as the Weasleys had their own get together.

"So, what's your big surprise, aniki?" Sasuke asked, grinning.

Harry grinned back, a strangely Dumbledore-ian twinkle in his eyes as he took hold of the ghost's hand, bringing her forward. In the bright light of the platform, it was hard to make her out, but the two could faintly see a slightly nervous face. "Guys, this is Myrtle de Winter. Myr-chan, these are my two brothers, Naruto and Sasuke. Professor Dumbldore gave Myr-chan permission to live with us. Isn't it great?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, although he couldn't help chuckling. "You brought a girl home? Aren't you a little too young for that, aniki?"

Harry rapped his knuckles on top of Sasuke's head. "Oh, shut up. Anyway, be nice to Myr-chan, okay? She'll be your new onee-san from now on."

"You're married already?" Naruto asked, before getting his own head rap.

Harry shook his head, before leaning back and laughing. "Man it's great to see you guys again. Anyway, Professor Dumbledore gave me a special Portkey that Myr-chan can use to come with us. Come on, let's get the pervert so we can go home!"

"Harry," a voice suddenly said behind them. Turning, they found Ginny, flanked by Ron and Hermione, standing there. The girl blushed a little, before pressing on. "See you again next year, okay?"

Harry smiled, moving towards the girl and planting a kiss on her cheek that was dangerously close to her lips. It was now Myrtle's turn to look slightly put off as Ginny blushed. "Bet on it, Ginny-chan. I can't wait to see you again."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Hey, stop hitting on my sister!" he cried good-naturedly.

Harry tilted his head, suddenly looking _too_ innocent. "If you want, you can hit on Naruto and Sasuke."

"ANIKI!" the two aforementioned cried as Ron went as red as his hair.

Hermione sighed, shaking her head, although she was smiling as she did it. "Still at it, aren't you, Potter?"

Harry smirked, taking her hand in his. "I'll miss you too, Koneko-chan," he said, kissing the back of her hand before she could pull it back. Hermione rolled her eyes again, but her eyebrow didn't twitch anymore at the nickname.

Harry chuckled. "Well, come on you two!" he said as he took Myrtle's hand and started leading his brothers through the mob to try and get to Jiraiya. "We have a pervert to get to so we can go home!"

"Can't we just leave him here?" Naruto suggested.

"Now there's an idea," Harry said, before shaking his head.

As he led the way towards the perverted sannin, Myrtle's cool hand in his, Harry couldn't help but look forward to what was to come. Home. He was heading back home, back to Konoha. No giant snakes, no giant spiders, where everywhere was safe and familiar. He sighed. He couldn't wait to be back, back home with his precious people. Back _home._

Now why did he feel like he was forgetting something?

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Somewhere, the former student of a snake-sannin looked at her calendar and grinned evilly…

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**- To be continued…**

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A/N: FINALLY I get to make Harry use the phrase 'precious people'!

Just to clarify for the chap's slightly disjointed look, these are all basically snapshots of some of the things that happen during second year. The blanks in between are pretty much canon, or too boring to write about.

Regarding Harry's view of the Dark Arts, it's based on what seems to be the ninja view of forbidden techniques like (supposedly) Kage Bunshin. They're going to try hard to keep it under wraps, but if you happen to find out, good for you and do whatever you want with it! Harry regards the Dark Arts as hard to get spells that give him an edge because most don't know them, but just because he _knows _it doesn't mean he'll _use _it!

Regarding Harry's AK, if you check the book, it's effects aren't always instant death. In book 4, fake Moody explicitly says that even if the whole class used the spell on him, he wouldn't get so much as a nosebleed. In the fight in the ministry, whenever it hit an inanimate object, the object would either deflect it or be blown to bits. Harry's been practicing the spell on lower order life forms, but he's never used it on an Acromantula, so killing instantly with it was hit and miss.

Regarding Harry's capabilities, I have no intention of making him and his sibs super. While I like super fics as much as the next guy, it gets boring when the characters become so strong they can literally steamroller through any 'opposition'. Harry's going to get strong, but only in comparison to his canon self, and over a long period of time. He _does_ only have two months of supervised training, after all.

But don't worry, Harry _will_ have his own unique edge besides his magic. I already have a fighting style in mind for him, I just need to shape him into it over the course of the chapters.

But now, a question. I'm trying to think of a summon for Sasuke which isn't too cliché or overpowered, like my Succubi summon in my other fic. If you have any suggestions or ideas, please drop it in my general forum.

Special thanks to **Shelik** for making fanart for this fic. The drawing is available in my profile.

Up next: (Nearly) everyone's favorite habitual stalker, Hinata-chan! (Honestly, I don't get those who hate her. I mean, she makes a way better first impression than Sakura…)

I would like to tell everyone I've not-so recently posted a new fic that has Keeper in it. It's not in continuity with this fic, and he's basically an extra, but its' still a good read. He gets to kill Malfoy…

Oh, the fic is **_The Eternity Club_**. Check it out!

Please review, C&C welcome. I've started a forum for this. Check it out!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	9. GASP! Naruto Has A Stalker?

A/N: hem-hem (snickers at the way everyone panics). A lot of people have asked me when (blank) will go and visit (blank) to be shocked by (blank). Please be patient. Naruto and Sasuke will not be going to Hogwarts to learn– they are purely ninja's, not wizards, and in this fic, magic does not equal chakra– but I do have someone in mind who _will_ be going to Hogwarts eventually. And, no, it's not Anko.

Oh, and Harry told Myrtle about shinobi, but since that kind of exposition is so overdone you could practically cut and paste between fics, I won't get into it. Suffice to say, Harry told her.

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 9: GASP! Naruto Has A Stalker? Meet Cute Little Hinata-chan!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Naruto. Please don't sue me.

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

"Welcome home, Myr-chan," Harry said as he pushed open the door to the Uzumaki apartment with one hand, the other weighed down by his trunk. "Sorry it doesn't look like much, but we really don't have enough money to move out, and…"

"I think it's perfect!" Myrtle said as she looked around, taking note of the tidy bookshelf (not noticing the _kinds_ of books there) the cleared space in front of the TV and the kitchen. "And I can live here too?"

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Harry nodded as he helped his brothers bring his stuff in. "There's just one little thing."

Myrtle raised an eyebrow questioningly at Harry's amused look. "And that is?"

"You're not allowed to haunt the toilet."

Myrtle chuckled as Naruto and Sasuke blinked. "DEAL!"

Harry nodded. "Then welcome to the family, Myr-chan!"

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A few simple experiments and explanations Harry hadn't been able to fit into his letters had Myrtle properly introduced to the other two Uzumaki's of the house. Surprisingly, they found that Harry was the only one who could touch Myrtle with the chakra trick. The boys wondered about that over dinner, before Sasuke suggested that perhaps Harry's chakra was different from theirs. After all, he _was_ a wizard. Maybe that meant his chakra had magic laced into it, something that Naruto's and Sasuke's did not, which allowed him to touch ghosts?

Maybe…

Not that it was really important. Naruto and Sasuke spent the rest of the night pumping their brother for information about his year. Myrtle added her two cents worth every so often, and was instantly a hit with the two youngsters for her rather uncanny ability to remember every single embarrassing event that had happened to Harry that year.

Harry was immediately pouty.

Not to be outdone, Harry got everything that had happened that year out of his brothers. They took turns embarrassing each other. Apparently, Sasuke's fangirls were becoming more active, and seemed to be taking notes from the 'Icha Icha' series, what with all the clothes they'd taken to wearing (considering that few of them were just getting their second digit in age, highly disturbing), and the lines they'd been trying (Iruka had gone ballistic when he'd heard someone asking Sasuke if he'd like to go home with her and help her with her 'horizontal _taijutsu_'). Most didn't seem to know what they were talking about, and Harry highly suspected that either Naruto had been handing out 'tips' or all the girls had went to the ANBU special seduction corps for advice.

From the sound of things, it was probably both.

Naruto, meanwhile, had gotten in trouble for vandalizing the Hokage Monument. Harry had laughed his head off at that, then laughed some more when it turned out _Sasuke_ had been the one to do the vandalizing.

Framing up was acceptable as long as it's done with brotherly love…

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Harry breathed the early morning air of Konoha, and knew he was home. No potions fumes, no cat poop (where do you suppose Mrs. Norris did her business?), no random hexes from Slytherins, no having to break arms of said Slytherins, and especially no Malfart. Just clean air, the scent of leaves and a softer chill that was definitely less than European.

Life was good.

"Do you really wake up this early?" Myrtle said as she floated with him on his way to the Hokage tower, looking around in fascination at the unusual look of the Hidden Village. Even at this hour, some people were already out and about, either going to training, missions, or wherever else shinobi and civilians went to at this time.

Her words knocked Harry's thoughts of how nice it was to be home and the slight regret that Jiraiya left before he could as the pervert something right out the metaphorical window. "Every day. I need to get up before the sun so I can cram my training in before classes. Although that probably won't be enough to meet my sadistic sensei's expectati– THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT!" Harry yelled in pure, undiluted horror as he was reminded that, yes, he _did_ have a sadistic jounin instructor to worry about, and he'd just happened to have the last word at their last altercation.

Briefly, he thought to ask Myrtle if it was painful to die, then resigned himself. This was ANKO he was talking about! Of _COURSE_ it would be painful!

Myrtle, naturally, was completely lost. "Huh?"

Sighing, Harry turned to Myrtle with the most serious look the ghost had ever seen on him. "Myr-chan, could you please do me a favor?"

Immediate concern. "What is it, Harry-kun?" she said. Ghosts, it turned out, had no problems with language, being able to understand and be understood by anything and anyone. Very convenient, wouldn't you say?

Harry took her hands, looking deep into her eyes and trying not to look _past_ them (she was transparent, after all). "I want you to go back home and tell Naruto and Sasuke that I love them, and go with them to school to keep an eye on them. Don't leave their side until I get back, whether living or dead. Please?"

Myrtle blinked in shock. Harry was serious. "Why, Harry? What are you concerned about?"

Harry gulped, then sighed, his control over his chakra slipping slightly so his fingers would occasionally go through hers. "I have a bad feeling about today, and I really don't want you to be there if I'm right. Please, Myr-chan? For me?"

Myrtle pursed her lips, before nodding, still a bit confused. After all, this was _Harry!_ What could possibly scare Harry?

Harry let go of her hands and stepped back, watching her. She tore her eyes away from his as she turned to backtrack back to the apartment, where Naruto and Sasuke were probably waking up.

Harry watched her go, heart tense as he realized he probably wouldn't live past the week. Sighing he turned around to continue heading towards the Hokage Tower, hoping that Naruto and Sasuke would be all right and trying desperately to erase the mental image of Naruto growing into a workaholic idiot and Sasuke into an asshole without his influence…

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"Naruto! Sasuke!"

The two kids looked up, narrowing their eyes and barely able to distinguish Myrtle by the rippling and twinkling she was making in the air. "Myrtle-neechan?" Sasuke said. "What are you doing here?"

He could just barely see her frown by the ripples it made on the clouds behind her as she apparently looked over her shoulder. "Harry told me to keep you two company. Actually, he told me to tell you he loved you and keep an eye on you, and that he didn't want me to see what might happen to him. Do you have any idea what's going on?"

The two boys looked at each other. "Can't think of anything off the top of my head," Sasuke said.

"Maybe he's worried about that teacher-chick of his?" Naruto suggested, proving that blonds aren't dumb. "I heard he did something to piss her off a couple of months ago."

"HE PISSED OFF THAT SADIST AND GAVE HER MONTHS TO STEW?" Sasuke exclaimed. "**IS HE CRAZY?**"

"He's an Uzumaki!" Naruto said proudly. And incidentally making the proof against dumb blonds rather questionable.

Sasuke chuckled. "Well, I guess we should leave him on this. After all, it's _his_ prank. He'll have to live with the consequences."

"After all," Naruto said as he started walking towards the Academy again, "the worse that can happen is he'll be paralyzed for life."

Sasuke glanced at him. "Already got a plan for revenge? Cause I was thinking poison ivy extract in her underwear– assuming she wears any."

"I'm going for wasabi in her food. What do you think, Mrytle-neechan?"

Myrtle blinked at this request for input, wondering just what exactly went on in Harry's home-life. Glancing over her shoulder, she wondered if she should tell them about the girl she'd seen on the way there. What kind of girl had _white_ eyes…?

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"Hey girls," Harry said, waving despondently as he passed the two ANBU on his way into the Hokage Tower.

"Oh, Harry-kun," one said, sounding like she was tearing up inside. "_Why_ did you have to go and do that to _Anko_ of all people?"

"You're going to die so young," the other one said, subtly raising her hand to wipe a tear under her mask.

"Hey, I'm a ninja, just like you two," Harry said, managing a rather half-hearted attempt at his usual bravado. "If I die, then I'll go down making Anko uglier than she already is!"

"Oh Harry-kun!" the two wailed as Harry walked into the tower.

"You're a dead man, man," Touya said, not looking up from his 'Icha Icha' as he typed one-handed. "Anko is _so_ going to make you suffer."

Harry ignored him as he knocked weakly on the double door.

"Come in," the Hokage said. Harry gulped and pushed his way in.

"Well, I'm back, old man," Harry said, essaying a weak smile.

The Hokage nodded solemnly. "Harry-kun, I just want you to know that whatever happens to you, Naruto and Sasuke will be well cared for. I'll make Jiraiya stay if it means breaking both his legs. And I'm sure Iruka will be willing to help as well. He has a soft spot for you and your brothers."

Harry nodded mechanically. "You have my Will?"

The Hokage nodded. "It's on file. Don't worry, I'll take care of all the paperwork."

Harry nodded. "Arigatou, Hokage-sama," he said, not realizing had actually been respectful to the Hokage. That's how out-of-it he was.

Bowing, he turned to leave. He'd only needed to report in, after all.

"And Harry-kun…" the Hokage said.

Harry turned slightly.

"Welcome back to Konoha."

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Iruka looked blandly at the three, his gaze going to Naruto, then to Sasuke, then to the, um…

"So you're saying she's a ghost that Harry brought home, and now she's staying with the three of you?" he said, making sure if he'd heard them right. The three nodded.

"And Harry asked you to stay with these two to keep an eye on them?" This time, just the ghost nodded.

Had it anyone else, Iruka would have dismissed it as a prank. With _this_ family involved, however…

"Well, take a seat or something and try not to disrupt the class, okay? It's not everyday we have a _yurei_ in class."

With the Uzumaki's it's either a prank or it's not. This looked like it went into the 'not' category. As the three turned away, the _yurei_– Myrtle, if Iruka recalled correctly– paused, then turned back to Iruka. "Excuse me sir, but who's that girl by the door? The one with the white eyes?"

Iruka blinked at the question, and a superstitious part of him screamed something about evil ghosts. "That's Hyuuga Hinata. She's a rather shy girl, but her grades are good. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I saw her on the way here and wondered who she was," Myrtle said, before turning around to follow Naruto and Sasuke, opting to hover next to the wall beside them so as not to block their view.

When the bell rang, Iruka coughed for attention, then coughed again when he caught many of the kids string at the class's newest addition. "Eyes front class!"

As everyone's gaze was jerked forward, Iruka began lecturing, not noticing the way Myrtle eyed Hinata speculatively…

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Harry walked under a cloud of gloom, doom and depression, not seeming to notice the people around him as he trudged through Konoha. Images of beatings, torture, and castration (_shudder_) flashed through his head. He was praying for something to happen to take him away, like Voldemort making an attempt on his life or Snape coming to adopt him.

Yes, he was _that_ afraid.

"Hey, watch it!" some random shinobi– chuunin rank, Harry noted– said angrily as the wizard inadvertently bumped into him. "Where do you think you're going."

"Somewhere Anko can't find me," Harry said dully, not turning back to see the way the chuunin's face paled.

"Anko?" one of the chuunin's friends said. "He's trying to get away from that crazy bitch?"

Immediately, Harry found himself being hustled down various alleys by the chuunin and his friends. "Hey, wha–?"

"Shh!" the chuunin Harry had bumped into hissed. "You want _her_ to hear? She can _sense_ fear!"

Harry was weirded out of his funk enough to blink at that. "Um, I thought you were mad at me."

"Well, I was, but no one deserves _her,_" he said, saying the last word in a horrified, shuddering whimper. "If she's the reason, well… let's just say that I completely understand."

The chuunin and his friends led Harry through a crisscrossing, multi-layered path through Konoha, using obscure routes, nearly invisible alleys, and lot of doubling back. Harry soon found himself blinking in disorientation as the chuunin and his friends disappeared.

"Whoa," Harry said, shaking his head as his little cloud returned to hover over it.

He continued his walk, idly wondering whether he should visit the girls at the ANBU special seduction corps. He shook his head. Anko might be there.

He'd barely gone two blocks when he froze, catching sight of a familiar tan coat and shin guards sticking out of a food stall. From the sign above, it obviously sold dango.

Very slowly, trying not to draw attention to himself, Harry backed away about five steps. When he was sure she hadn't picked him up yet– she still seemed intent on the dango stall– he turned around to run–

– and promptly felt the wind being knocked out of him as he ran straight into a fist to the stomach.

"Hey, Uzumaki," Anko said cheerfully, her wide grin at odds–or maybe not; there was something weird about her grin– with the crazed glint in her eyes. The fist drew back slightly, only to slam back into his gut at a speed he didn't think attainable with so little leverage. This time he crumpled over, trying not to retch his breakfast ramen as Anko nibbled on her snack blissfully. Whether the bliss was from the food itself or his pain was debatable. "Welcome back to Konoha."

So saying, Anko pulled back her fist and slammed her elbow right into the back of Harry's head, slamming him into the ground and leaving a little imprint…

"Oh, would you look at the time," Anko said a little later, sounding genuinely shocked as she checked her watch. "I have a mission briefing to get to. We'll have to continue this later, Uzumaki."

Harry just groaned.

With that, Anko carefully and deliberately stepped on Harry's not-broken but still highly mutilated back, nudging all the little _shuriken_, _kunai_ and _senbon_ painfully. "Oh, I probably won't be around for the next few days, so just get your missions from the old man when you get out of the hospital, 'kay?"

"(BLEEP) you, dango-bitch!" Harry said, gritting his teeth to keep from screaming as Anko stepped on his broken wrist.

Anko grinned a distinctive Anko-grin, just one grade away from 'totally-evil-and-trying-to-kill-her-sensei'. "Don't you just _wish_!" Anko drawled, finishing off the last of her dango and throwing the used stick point-first at the back of Harry's neck almost hard enough to draw blood. "See you in a few days, _Harry-kun_. Don't slack off!"

A few more rather painful insults to his injuries, and Anko was off and striding in the general direction of the Hokage Tower.

Groaning, because it was a lot more dignified than screaming in pain, Harry struggled to his feet, glad she hadn't broken his legs or anything. His toes hurt like crazy, though. Propping himself up on his good arm, Harry tried to keep from moving his back much to prevent aggravating his injuries. Resignedly, he began to make his way towards the hospital. He hoped Ako-chan still kept the same schedule. It would be nice to see her again…

----------------------------------------

Myrtle hung back a little as classes ended. Sasuke had managed to slip her the brothers' 'exit protocol'– exit protocol?– regarding the fact the two of them weren't supposed to be seen together. She could understand the logic of it, having been schoolmates with Bertha Jorkins. After all, even _she_ would want to jump Sasuke's bones if she were the right age… and if she had a body to go bone jumping… and if she wasn't with Harry-kun…

She floated outside the school, nearly invisible in the sunlight. It suddenly struck her how _dark_ Hogwarts had been, that ghosts were visible even in the day. But here… it was so _bright…_

Her musings were interrupted as she caught sight of Naruto leaving the area of the school as he waved good-bye to a trio of boys and a puppy. Pausing a moment, the ghost wondered if she should go with him already or wait for Sasuke. Harry did say to stick with them…

Then she blinked as she realized that there was someone trailing Naruto…

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Sasuke was almost to where he and Naruto had arranged to rendezvous for that day when there was a strange rippling in his vision and he suddenly walked into a zone of cold that felt like he'd been blasted by a freezing shower. Involuntarily, he let out a cry, stepping back as fast a she could and pulling a _kunai_ out of his pouch. His hand was shaking, but that was mostly because he felt flash-frozen…

"Sorry, Sasuke, but it was the only way I could get your attention," a voice out of seemingly nowhere said.

Sasuke blinked, staring at the rippling before him as he tried to make out individual details. "Myrtle-neesan?"

A rippling wave. "Who else would it be? Anyway, I needed to talk to you."

Sasuke frowned curiously– and, in many females minds, cutely– as he casually slipped his _kunai_ back into his pouch. "What about."

He could almost hear her grin. "Well, I noticed you really couldn't pull much dirt on Naruto, since he doesn't seem to have any crushes or anything like that, so I was thinking you'd be interested in what I've found out."

As Myrtle leaned forward to whisper in his ear– an unusual sensation, someone talking right into your ear without you being able to feel it– Sasuke frowned, blinked in surprise, then slowly began to grin. Oh, he needed to tell aniki about this…

----------------------------------------

They eventually found him lying facedown on the couch back home. His shirt was off, exposing the bandages on his back, his wrist was encased in a harness, his ribs were taped, and for some reason, he had a funnel around his neck.

When asked, Harry only muttered about cute nurses who thought he was a puppy.

"What happened to you?" Naruto asked bluntly as Myrtle started cooing and ooing and fluttering around Harry.

"Anko," was the only response, unless you counted the clarifying swearwords. The two just nodded in understanding.

After getting Myrtle to settle down– she kept trying to fluff pillows for Harry to lie down on and screaming in frustration when her hands passed through– and getting Naruto to go down to Ichiraku's to buy some dinner ramen, Sasuke sidled over to Harry and announced Myrtle's discovery.

"Some girl's been following Naruto around?" Harry said in astonishment.

Sasuke nodded. "Practically stalking him, really."

Harry stared at his little brother suspiciously. An idle part of his mind debated which of them had sillier hair: Sasuke and his chicken-butt, or him and his mop. Maybe he should grow his hair long, get some conditioner… "you're pulling my leg."

Sasuke chuckled ruefully. "You know, I figured you'd say that _after_ I said the rest."

"What's the rest?"

"The girl's a Hyuuga."

"A _HYUUGA_?" Harry exclaimed. That couldn't be right. Sure, he knew a couple of cute Hyuuga girls, but they were usually ice before you managed to thaw them. Like Setsuna-chan, for example. And Haruka-chan. And Michiru-chan…

Sasuke snapped his fingers in front of Harry's face to interrupt the 'Cute Hyuuga Girls I've Made Out With' reverie. "Focus, aniki. So, how are we going to use this to our advantage?"

"Huh?" Harry said, still slightly out of it as Myrtle settled down on the floor.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "This is the first real dirt we've got on Naruto. Heck, it's practically the _only_ dirt. What do we do with it?"

Harry blinked a couple of times to clear his head, then looked thoughtful, unconsciously reaching down to hold Myrtle's hand. "Well… what do you know about the girl."

Sasuke frowned thoughtfully. "Well, her name's Hinata, she's kinda quiet in class and… that's pretty much it."

"That's nothing new," Harry said dismissively. "All Hyuuga are quiet."

"'Shy little girl' quiet, not 'arrogant Hyuuga' quiet," Sasuke clarified.

Harry blinked in surprise. "Really? You sure?"

Sasuke nodded. "Almost positive."

"That's so… un-Hyuuga."

"Tell me about it."

Myrtle looked between the two of them, frowning slightly. "What's a Hyuuga?"

----------------------------------------

After a nice quiet family dinner– oh, wait, that's the wrong house. Anyway, after multiple attempts to steal each other's ramen, somehow culminating in a chopstick fight– Harry lost– everyone took out their homework. Myrtle made a couple of useful tips as she helped Harry with his assignments, while Naruto and Sasuke kept asking him some basic academy questions. Almost before they knew it, it was morning again.

Harry finished the last of his ramen at a leisurely pace. After all, he wasn't meeting the dango-bitch today, so no hurry. Sasuke was checking the edges of his _fuuma shuriken_ while Naruto packed their lunches, discreetly stealing some of Sasuke's food when the other boy wasn't looking. Myrtle had happily agreed to go with the two boys to the Academy. She'd come to like the two of them in the short time they've been together, especially Sasuke. Besides, she wanted to see where this thing about the Hyuuga would go. She still wasn't sure she got what a Hyuuga_was,_ though.

Harry gave her a final kiss good bye before he left for the hospital to get his wrist healed and his harness removed– along with the funnel; UGH!– before heading for the Hokage Tower to get his mission for that day.

"He'll be all right, right?" Myrtle asked for the hundredth time as she followed Naruto and Sasuke to the Academy. "He won't come home injured like he did yesterday, will he?"

"He'll be _fine_, nee-chan," Sasuke said, amused and slightly exasperated. He'd lost track of the number of times Myrtle had already asked that question. "The hospital will take care of him. Aniki will be up and doing missions by ten, you'll see."

Myrtle frowned, but finally shut up as Naruto waved good bye to take his alternate route. Sasuke and Myrtle exchanged glances, and the ghost moved to follow Naruto. Sasuke kept walking for another ten minutes, before doubling back to follow the two.

It took a while, but he finally managed to catch a glimpse of Naruto's 'stalker'. Sasuke smirked, his mental checklist registering the fact that all three Uzumaki's now had stalkers to one degree or another. Granted, Harry's had stopped stalking when they realized he was perfectly willing to accommodate them, and Sasuke found them slightly annoying, but it was the principle of the thing!

She was good, Sasuke granted. Very good, actually. She had better stealth skill than _he_ did. No wonder they'd never caught her before now. Myrtle must have spotted her by pure dumb luck. Sasuke had to be careful to stay far away from her, which made tracking her slightly difficult. Hearsay gave some slight knowledge of the Hyuuga clan's capabilities, but nothing exact, so he had no idea how far her _Byakugan's_ range was. At the distances he trailed her from, he had to resort to using a Omniocular he'd gotten for his birthday to keep an eye on her. He was helped by the fact that Myrtle, as planned, hovered over her position to flag it for him.

The situation was slightly absurd, yet nevertheless, Sasuke couldn't help grinning excitedly. He wasn't thinking of how he could use this to tease Naruto mercilessly, although that _was_ somewhere in the equation. No, he was actually thinking of how this would be _such_ a nice plot twist for his 'Yami no Tsubasa' series. He could just see it now: unknown to everyone, Rei had a secret admirer from one of the village's prominent clans…

----------------------------------------

The Hokage– and Yuki, and Miko, and Touya, and practically every jounin and chuunin Harry met along the way– was surprised to see Harry walk into his office asking for a mission looking none the worse for wear. He'd managed to heal the cuts Anko had inflicted on his face before he got to the hospital– thank goodness for mild healing spells!– so he looked mostly normal. Heck, even the damage to his hair had been repaired! Harry was just glad he managed to actually find a hair-lengthening potion somewhere in his notes. He _knew_ listening to Lavender and Parvati babble about cosmetics would be good for something!

For once, Harry wasn't pissed that the Hokage gave him an easy mission. The grocery run went off without a hitch, such that Harry was free by mid-morning. After training until lunch– Kakashi wasn't at the memorial stone that day; a pity, he'd wanted to talk to him– flirting with a couple of cute chuunin– Kurenai-chan was planning to wait a little longer before taking the jounin qualifier, and Hana had just recently managed to attain her rank– and stealing a few kisses– who says the ANBU's special seduction corps kunoichi were hardened veterans?– Harry found himself at Konoha's library. Well, technically it wasn't the library; it's un-official designation was the 'technique vault', since it contained the majority of 'public' technique scrolls available– mostly– to all Konoha shinobi, but Harry liked to think of it as a library. Granted, it didn't contain _all_ jutsus– he knew for a fact that _Sen'eijashu_ was nowhere in there– since there were some clan secret techniques that were, well, clan secrets, but Harry hoped it contained what he was looking for.

After being cleared to enter– a simple matter of showing his _hitai-ate_ and confirming his registration number– Harry was in and navigating the maze-like shelves filled with scrolls, loose sheets and books, searching for, among other things, anything relating to 'chakra strings'.

Granted, it was something he'd read from one of Jiraiya's books, but still, it was highly likely that it was an actual technique. After all, practically the only things Jiraiya ever got right before editting were ninja techniques and terminology…

----------------------------------------

Over the next few days, the Uzumaki's and their newest member gradually fell into a routine. Harry would work out before dawn in the mornings to maintain his edge, practicing his snake-hands and chakra scalpel techniques until he deemed it time to pick up a mission from the old man. Anko was still gone. Sasuke and Myrtle kept up their surveillance, reporting their findings to Harry. Naruto didn't notice a thing, since he'd recently become hooked on a new anime. It was about a guy whose hair turned blond and wore orange. Naruto instantly loved it, regardless of story, characters, development, or plot.

Harry and Sasuke instantly hated it. It had almost no story, two-dimensional characters, nearly absolutely no development, paper-thin plots, no one really died, and everything eventually boiled down to who could get their pecks to grow bigger as they made man-screams.

The editor in Harry was appalled. The writer in Sasuke wanted divine retribution on the monstrosity.

Naturally, Naruto _had_ to watch **_Dragonball Z_** every night.

----------------------------------------

Every school, except the one of hard knocks, eventually lets out. Sometimes, if the students are lucky, it lets out early.

The students of the Ninja Academy were _very_ lucky.

No one knows _who_ did it, but ten minutes after the bell to announce the start of classes began, _something_ blew up in every room, corridor and staircase in the Ninja Academy. The smell was worse than any stinkbomb that hadn't been graded for use against enemy shinobi in times of war could produce. And unfortunately, it was accompanied by lots and lots of, well…

Let's just say what usually hits the fan hit every exposed square inch inside the Academy.

Of _course_ they let school out.

"I don't' know whether to congratulate aniki or kill him," Sasuke muttered, careful to breath through his mouth and not get any of the… _matter_ in it. There was a long line for the faucets and water hoses, making such care necessary. He wasn't sure if this stuff actually _was_… well, _stuff_, but it certainly smelled like it.

"But you gotta admit, those Dungbombs were pretty cool," Naruto said, wiping his face on his shirt. All it did was spread the… _stuff_ around. Sasuke shivered distastefully.

"I am very glad I don't have a sense of smell," Myrtle muttered as she floated close to the two brothers.

"Hey guys!"

The three turned to see Harry walking towards them confidently, what looked like a fishbowl covering his head. He gestured for them to follow him, then began heading towards an alley.

Leaving their place in line, Naruto and Sasuke casually began walking in that direction. Because both were covered in… _stuff_, no one really recognized them, and since Myrtle was practically invisible, no one really noticed _her_ either.

When they were out of sight…

"Aniki!" Naruto and Sasuke cried, their arms spread wide and ready to give Harry great big hugs…

"_Scourgify,_" Harry said, pointing his wand at the two of them. There was a wash of bubbles, and it was a suddenly clean pair of boys that glomped on to Harry.

Sasuke immediately let go, an annoyed look on his face. "Nuts."

"Hey, that's not fair, cleaning us up like that when we wanted to smear you, aniki!" Naruto cried, waving his arms around.

Harry dispelled the Bubblehead Charm with a flick of his wand. "Sorry guys, but you'll have to do better than that. At least I got you out of school, didn't I?"

"I guess," Naruto grumbled sullenly. It had been Harry's idea to basically saturate the school with Dungbombs.

Myrtle, meanwhile, had glomped on to Harry. "Hey, handsome," she purred, leaning forward.

Naruto made various disgusted sounds as the two proceeded to make out, while Sasuke subtly tried to pick up pointers, wishing he had a Sharingan so he could memorize the moves.

Finally, after Harry came up for air (Myrtle was dead, after all), he said, "Okay, Naruto, it's your turn to clean the apartment, get to it. Sasuke, we have our deadlines today, drop of the 'Icha Icha' manuscript along with 'Yami'. After that, pick up the groceries. Me, I need to get me a mission. Meet you all back home okay?"

The two boys nodded, and they all split up to go their separate ways. Myrtle went with Harry, who didn't mind one bit…

----------------------------------------

Hinata peered around a corner, catching sight of Naruto heading towards home. While she admired him a great deal– and not just admired– she sometimes found herself puzzled by the things that went on around him. For instance, although he and Uchiha Sasuke didn't seem to get along too well in class– Sasuke seemed to be a loner, while Naruto sometimes hung out with Kiba, Chouji and Shikamaru– they apparently lived in the same apartment with an older boy who might possibly be Sasuke's older brother.

Still, she really didn't think about that much, since it cut down on the time she had for the really important stuff:

Admiring Naruto-kun.

She was doing just that when she suddenly heard a cough behind her and whirled around in surprise.

It was the older boy Naruto-kun lived with. Next to him was Uchiha Sasuke, and above and behind the two of them– Hinata nearly wet herself– was the ghost that had taken to haunting their classroom.

"Hyuuga Hinata?" the older boy– Hinata forgot his name, although she was fairly certain she'd heard it before– said, the soft tone he spoke with a bit at odds with the way he was smiling down on her. "Please come with us."

It was all Hinata could do not to faint.

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

**- To be continued...**

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

A/N: Not much Naruto, I know, but he'll get more time. Soon. Anko too.

After reading a bunch of fics where people just waltz into the library to learn techniques, I wondered if they'd really be stupid enough to leave such things out in public. Hence, the technique vault.

I don't hate **_Dragonball_**. Little Goku was cute, and there were some pretty nice arcs ('Red Ribbon Army' still cracks me up). However, I absolutely despise **_Dragonball Z_** and above. At that point, well…'How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?'

Answer: 'One. But it takes ten episodes, two level ups, Piccolo and all the other humans dying and getting revived, and someone getting pecks the size of tires to do it.'

I miss little Goku.

Please review, C&C welcome. Flames will be made to live in an unsightly manner.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	10. Anko's True Revenge!

A/N: the last chapter was admittedly not as funny as I usually make it (which I'm sure is the reason my review average was down), but I finished writing near midnight local time, and I'm sure most of you out there _know_ what that does to one's muse…

Hmm… Harry-clone!Hinata… an interesting idea…

And now, ANKO!

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 10: Anko's True Revenge!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Sasuke, Hinata, Myrtle, or Harry. Please don't sue me.

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

Harry was going to die.

He knew it was bound to happen some day. It was a rare ninja who died in his sleep of natural causes, after all. Thus, ninja had a tendency to, in much the same way others dreamed of the perfect life (pool, cars, pets, famous actress/actor as future spouse), dream of their perfect death. Many dreamed of dying bravely in defense of their village. Others, a suicidal run at something like the Kyuubi. Let's not even get into the ones who fantasized about dying by bravely showing "the brat's" true colors (sickoes), not to mention those who dreamed of dying killing 'the brat' (sicker-oes).

Harry, personally, dreamed that he'd die in a climactic battle to protect his village (and by extension, his then-innumerable nieces and nephews), one that was so awe-inspiring, epic, and just plain cool that they'd make a whole statue of him out of the mountain.

So he did _not_ fancy the thought of being beaten to a pulp by his insane and possibly necrophilic sensei (like _he_ should be one to talk).

Still, that didn't mean he wasn't going to be dignified about this.

He dressed with great care that morning. His forehead protector was polished until it shone. His wand-loaded dagger was full of poison, and mounted on a new holster near his left shoulder, ready to be pulled down and out at a moment's notice. All his weapons had been sharpened and dipped in a little poison. He had a couple of bezoars hidden inside his collar, and his _fuuma shuriken_– both of them– were lubricated and ready to fly. He'd cleaned his glasses and secured them with a little wire.

If he was going to die, not only was he going to look good, he was also taking her down with him!

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"Touya-kun, cancel all my appointments and tell anyone who comes I'll be out for the whole day," Sarutobi said as he walked awkwardly past his secretary.

Touya raised an eyebrow. It wasn't every day you saw the Hokage carrying a couple of shopping bags worth of popcorn, chips, pocky, beer, various nuts, cookies, candy bars and an air-horn. "Um, may I ask where you're going, Hokage-sama?"

Sarutobi turned to face him and Touya was knocked for a loop at his grin. "Anko came back to town yesterday. Today is her first training day with Harry-kun all summer."

Eyes widening in astonishment, mouth deforming into the shark-like grin of someone who knows carnage is about to come and is going to enjoy it, Touya began cleaning up his desk and shutting down his PC. "Hokage-sama, I would like to request that my day off be transferred from Friday to today."

The old man raised an eyebrow. "Don't you have a date with your girlfriend that's been planned all month?" he said in amusement.

"She'll understand," Touya said. "It's near the memorial, right?"

Sarutobi nodded, hurrying along as Touya finished cleaning up.

Just as the secretary-nin was about to leave, he was struck by a sudden thought. Reaching for his phone, he dialed a number. "Hello, Kaho-chan? Change of plans. I had my day off changed to today… Because Mitarashi Anko is back in town, and she's meeting Harry-san for training, that's why… yes, bring a blanket, I'll save us a spot. A few snacks would be good too… no, I'm not sure how long he'll last…"

Putting down the phone, Touya grinned. He was going on a good date after all…

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He never thought he'd be coming back here. At least, not before he'd destroyed it, anyway.

It was easy to blend in unnoticed. Leaves looked the same at a distance, after all, and say what one will, he was once a leaf.

He hadn't planned to be here. He had techniques to learn, plans to make, schemes to stew, people to kill. He shouldn't be in Konoha, off on a lark because of a couple of rumors. He _really_ shouldn't be off on a casual jaunt to see someone who'd sworn to kill him. Legendary ninja or not, that was irresponsible.

He went anyway.

He had been _very_ surprised when heard she'd become a jounin instructor. It wasn't because he kept an eye on her– he wasn't sentimental. He found out because his spy had mentioned the unusual circumstances of her appointment. Only two months of training? It was unusual enough that he'd had his spy keep an eye on it– that is, pass on rumors. It wasn't important enough for any actual effort, merely a curiosity.

Okay, maybe he was a _tad_ sentimental. Still, he justified it was keeping an eye on his first successful curse seal.

His surprise came from the fact he'd never thought her to be sensei-material (he hadn't had a choice. Stupid war and resulting teaching drive). Still, seeing his student teaching in action wasn't what had prompted him to return to Konoha. No, he'd heard that the brat (singular. Again, most unusual) had pulled a prank on Anko and given her months to stew.

_That _was why he'd come back. If nothing else, his student was… _entertaining_… when she was being– dare he say it?– evil.

Besides, he had to know whether this student of hers was so gifted he felt he could pull if off or just plain stupid. He was 'recruiting' (_cough_ curse seals _cough_) after all. If he was lucky, it was both. The Yondaime was proof it could happen…

Straightening his flowery pink dress, touching up his makeup and trying to look as 'civilian woman' as possible, Orochimaru looked for a place to change. The dress, while good for sneaking in, wouldn't do for the next stage of his mission.

Besides, it was pink, and he _hated_ pink. Evil, immoral and a right bastard he may be, but he wasn't _that_ evil!

And it didn't match his make-up…

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_The teachers were acting weird_, was Sasuke's thought as he patiently waited for class to start. He kept facing forward, not moving his head by so much as an inch as he quietly observed the way teachers were talking excitedly out in the hall. Amidst the noise of the classroom, Sasuke was having a hard time figuring out what they were saying.

…

All right, he had absolutely no idea what they were saying since lip-reading wasn't something he was familiar with. Still, he could tell the teachers were excited about _something._

Trying to put it out of his mind, Sasuke glanced sideways at the girl sitting next to him. She was tapping her fingers together, as was her habit, resolutely trying not to look– or blush, or move, or even _breath_– at the boy sitting on her other side lest she draw his attention to her and give herself an incapacitating shock.

Yes, she _was_ sitting between Naruto and Sasuke.

It had become standard practice over the last few days, and was part of a rather complex and convoluted, multi-layered plot (for kids their age, anyway). Myrtle had managed to get herself appointed to watch over the class while Iruka was gone after a particularly… screwy incident involving a basket of rubber balls and an improvised catapult (Sasuke barely managed to get away with that one). This allowed her the authority to– after a loud (as in 'heard-through-out-the-school') incident involving Naruto, Sasuke, and Sasuke's fangirls (much to his regret)– order Hinata to always sit between Naruto and Sasuke (for some reason, no one bothered to ask why Naruto and Sasuke always sat close together despite getting on one another's nerves). Hence the current sitting arrangement.

It had all been carefully contrived by Sasuke, Myrtle, Harry and, to a small extent, Hinata, after their little confrontation a few days ago…

----------------------------------------

_Hinata found herself being imprisoned at Ichiraku ramen. Well, perhaps 'imprisoned' was a bit too strong of a word. _

_To her left sat Uchiha Sasuke, who was digging into a bowl of ramen. To her right was the older boy who had identified himself as Uzumaki Harry– apparently Naruto's adopted older brother– also eating a bowl of ramen. And behind her…_

_Hinata firmly quashed the urge to turn around, or as firmly as she ever did anything, anyway. Behind her, she knew, floated the yurei who had been introduced as Myrtle. _

"_Aren't you hungry, Hinata-chan?" Harry said lightly, the easy familiarity sounding incongruous coming from him. "Your ramen's getting cold."_

_Flushing in embarrassment, Hinata went back to eating the ramen they had bought for her. It was very good ramen, actually. She knew this was Naruto-kun's favorite flavor, and on tasting it, she could easily understand why. The rest of the meal passed in silence between the four._

_Upon finishing the bowl– with a little difficulty– Hinata was finding herself pleasantly full, and maybe a little sleepy. The young Hyuuga girl suddenly found herself in the crossfire of two penetrating gazes, one onyx, the other emerald. _

"_I'm sure that you've been wondering as to why we wanted to talk to you, Hyuuga-san," Sasuke said evenly, not sounding sleepy at all. "You see, it's come to our attention that you've been following our brother for some time now. Quite a while, possibly."_

_Hinata found herself blinking in surprise. "Your brother?" she asked in confusion. Sasuke didn't have a brother that she knew of. And why did he say 'our'?_

"_Naruto," Harry clarified, and Hinata turned to face him, leaving her open to Sasuke's scrutiny. "You've apparently been following him a lot, Hinata-chan, and as his concerned brothers, we'd like to know why."_

_That confused Hinata even more. "'Brothers'?" she repeated, looking at Sasuke in surprise._

_The boy hesitated, looking at Harry for confirmation. At the older boy's nod, Sasuke hel out his hand and, in the most polite voice she'd ever heard from him, ever, Sasuke said, "Perhaps I should reintroduce myself. Uzumaki Sasuke, at your service. Naruto-kun is also my adopted brother."_

"_But, I thought you were an Uchiha?" Hinata said. He certainly looked like it. _

_Sasuke shrugged. "Not anymore."_

"_Ahem," Harry said, prompting a return to the matter at hand. "I'll get straight to the point, Hinata-chan. When you weren't looking, I doped your ramen with a truth serum." He held up a clear phial for a moment and stuffed it back into his pocket as Hinata's eyes widened in surprise, then mounting horror. "Now, I'd like to know: why have you been following Naruto?"_

_Hinata tried to fight the slightly sleepy feeling and found herself having a difficult time. Whatever that truth serum was, it's effects were potent…_

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Actually, it was all a cock-and-bull lie. It had been a psychological ploy to get Hinata more amendable to talking (that and Harry hadn't been able to _get_ at any truth serums). What they'd learned had been very interesting, though…

Surreptitiously, Sasuke glanced at Hinata out of the corner of his eye, all the while giving the appearance of ignoring her completely. For a moment, he was glad of that stupid rumor saying that he liked long-haired girls. Hinata's short hair pacified his fangirls, meaning they didn't see her as a threat. Still, he tried not to make any moves that would hint that _he_ was interested in _her_. Somehow, he thought that might be fatal for her too. Still, at least she wasn't a fangirl (Harry had teased him relentlessly about the fact there was actually _one_ girl that was immune to his charms).

Hinata, apparently growing tired of playing with her fingers, had reached into her bag and pulled out a book to read. Sasuke had been surprised– although not _too_ surprised– to learn she was a 'Yami no Tsubasa' fan. It had been funny to see her face when he said– and _proved_– that he was it's writer. For a moment, he was afraid she would start prostrating herself, or maybe faint. Hinata hadn't done either, however. After recovering herself, she politely asked him for an autograph, which he'd gladly given with a blush. So she was technically his fangirl, just in a different sense.

Sasuke pondered on the results of that day in Ichiraku. Of all the girls who would have a crush on Naruto, Hinata was… well, as unlikely as the rest. But now that he knew that she did, well…

Sasuke allowed a trace of a smile to flicker over his face before frowning slightly. It was a pity Hinata had made them promise not to tell Naruto. She'd been mortified at the prospect of his knowing, almost fainting on the spot. When they'd pressed, she'd almost cried. That had been the only thing that had stopped them, as well as the only thing that could get them to promise to keep Naruto in the dark. Pranking girls was one thing, making them cry something else entirely.

Still, that didn't mean they couldn't drop hints…

Sasuke's musings on hinting things to Naruto (which promptly spiraled into a waking fantasy of a lot of white-eyed, blond nieces and nephews calling him "Uncle Sasuke", having a Hokage-in-law, and a Hyuuga sister-in-law) was interrupted as Iruka entered the room.

"Now class," he said as soon as everyone was silent. "The teachers have decided to take you all on a fieldtrip today. Please pack your things and leave in an orderly fashion."

There were various cheers as thirty-odd kids– Kiba, Chouji and Naruto were certainly odd– scrambled out of their seats, heading for the door and following Iruka. Sasuke looked up at Myrtle as he got out of his seat, packing away his stuff lest some girl 'claim' it. She shrugged. Outside, they could see other classes streaming out as well.

After a lot of walking– kids kept trying to run off and play hooky– they finally reached…

Sasuke blinked. Hang on, he knew this place. The three logs, the stone marker… this was his _aniki_'s training ground! In fact, he was right there, leaning against a log and looking as resignedly determined as he had this morning.

Sasuke wondered what the heck was going on…

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All Kakashi wanted was a little peace and quiet at the memorial. Really, was that too much to ask? Just a daily solemn moment with the symbolic grave marker of his dead teammates and sensei. He didn't mind that kid that came every morning– Haru, or Holi, something or other. Kakashi was gone by the time the kid's sensei arrived, anyway, and the kid never bothered him. He seemed content to leave Kakashi be, and Kakashi did the same. The silver-haired jounin usually stayed until he felt the kid's sensei– Anko, of all people; what had the kid done to deserve that?– close by, at which he would leave for somewhere else. It was only when he had missions that he would make his visits brief, and only upon properly saying good bye.

Thus, it kind of got Kakashi annoyed that the areas near the tree line were positively teeming with people. Many were shinobi, although there were the occasional civilian and someone lucky enough to have lived to retire. There were a lot of ANBU around, ones he didn't know, although there was something vaguely familiar about them.

He blinked when he saw the Hokage sitting down on a tree stump, surrounded by lots of bags of food. A couple seemed to be setting up a picnic under a tree. He vaguely recognized the guy as the Hokage's secretary. And were those… yes, they were the girls who danced at his favorite bar.

Okay, something was seriously messed up here.

Finding the solemnity of the moment gone by virtue of the people and festival atmosphere, Kakashi decided to go for some info and headed straight for the Hokage.

"Um, what's going on here, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked as he drew level with the old man, who had exchanged his head dress for a beer hat and was debating which bag of treats to open first.

"Remember that meeting a few months ago, where Anko got sent flowers?"

Kakashi nodded, vividly remembering Anko's… reaction. Plus because he was tardy, he'd been the one who'd had to fix all the chairs.

Sarutobi pointed. "Harry-kun, her student, is the one who sent it."

Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to reappear a few minutes later carrying his own groceries and wearing a beer hat. This ought to be good. He pitied the boy, though. Harry, was it? Hmmm, why did that sound familiar…?

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Harry wasn't sure quite exactly _how_, but for some reason, his death seemed to be turning into a spectator event. He waved casually to Kurenai and Suzume. Both blushed slightly and waved back, exchanged startled looks, and began arguing over who he'd waved at.

Wincing slightly and smiling in amusement as the two women bickered, Harry took a quick glance around. Seduction corps ANBU, chuunin kunoichi, jounin kunoichi, those nice girls from that bar, and… was that Naruto and Sasuke's class? Yup, it was. He could barely make out Myrtle in the bright light.

Harry twitched when he saw the Hokage in a beer hat. Had this been any other time, he would have busted a gut laughing. As it was, he could barely stop himself from breaking out into incoherent giggles. Yes, this was most certainly the day of his death. He wondered how the school would react…

He had a sudden image of Snape saying "Potter, I did not give you permission to be dead. Twenty points from Gryffindor and five points for not passing in your homework."

Harry chuckled. It was exactly the kind of thing the git would do.

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Anko arrived at the usual time with her usual panache.

Harry was leaning against the log– the crowd had grown much bigger while he'd been waiting– when he felt something hit the side of his face with enough force to send him flying. Unfortunately, he struck one of the other logs, and bounced off painfully, only to be intercepted by a rising kick that made him go vertical. An axe kick to his stomach sent him crashing into the ground with enough force to make an indentation.

"Uugggghhh…" Harry moaned. Above him, the light was suddenly blotted out. That wasn't a very good sign.

Anko grinned. "Hello, Harry-kun. Nice to see you again. I got your bouquet."

Harry snapped a kick, aiming for her head. She dodged back, giving Harry the opportunity to roll, landing in a very low crouch on three points. His right hand shot up, removing his dagger with a twist, his left leg bent, ready to spring.

"Heh. You can't take what you dish out, Uzumaki?" Anko said.

Harry grinned tightly. He was lucky his glasses hadn't broken. Score one for transparent poly-resin materials. "Life's a bitch and so's my sensei," he said. "Bring it on."

Harry didn't catch the glint of approval in Anko's eyes before the woman's hand snapped up, snakes streaking out. Harry flipped back, hissing at the snakes to stay away. Anko's superior control kept them from wavering much, but Harry was able to buy himself enough time to get to his feet as they streaked. He jumped back, forming a single seal before raising his dagger hand to his mouth, his other hand reaching towards his waist. "_Katon: Hosenka no Jutsu_!"

Several balls of flame struck the outstretched snakes, setting them on fire. They writhed, as if in pain, burning slowly. One of them exploded into smoke, too damaged to retain it's form.

Not that Anko waited. Darting to Harry's right, Anko snapped up her other arm sending more snakes towards the wizard. Harry winced as some bit down, while others encircled his arm and began to squeeze. Ceasing his flames, Harry snapped his dagger once, twice, before pointing it at Anko. "_Expelliarmus!_"

Anko was knocked back as her snakes lost their grip on Harry, letting blood flow back down his arm. Her concentration lost, the snakes 'poofed' in nonexistence. Trying to seize the advantage, Harry reached towards the small of his back, pulling one of his _fuuma shuriken_ from under his shirt.

Unbeknownst to him, the girls in the background 'ooh!'-ed in appreciation.

Snapping the blades open with a practiced gesture, Harry sent the weapon flying towards Anko. Intellectually, he _knew_ he didn't have a muffin's chance against Crabbe and Goyle of beating the bitch. He was a wizard, sure, but really, how well did that translate into a fighting advantage at his level? The best he could do was make a good showing. And to do that, he had to go all out.

That meant aiming for her head.

His fears were realized as Anko made a perfect 'bullet-time' limbo and caught the _shuriken_, snapping it closed with it's own momentum. Still, it wasn't a total loss. Grinning, he made another seal, raising the wire he held in his hand up to his teeth as flames seemed to envelope his body. "_Katon: Ryuka no Jutsu!_"

The blast of flame traveled down the fire, towards the _fuuma shuriken_ and eventually Anko, making a nice fireball.

Harry held the _jutsu_ for fifteen seconds before finally releasing it, leaving behind a large smoldering spot on the ground. He gave the wire a hard tug, sending the _fuuma shuriken _flying towards him. Catching by it's hole with his dagger, he whirled it around a couple of times. Uchiha-made steel, it was specially designed to cool quickly so as to be utilized by the wielder immediately after being involved in a fire technique. Hence, it was cool to the touch as Harry slid it back under his shirt.

In the background, the fangirls squealed again.

Harry barely slipped the weapon in when he suddenly found himself in a headlock, one hand squeezing his wrist and causing him to drop his dagger.

"You owe me a new coat, Uzumaki," the slightly charred but none the worse for wear kunoichi said.

Harry did his best to face her way. "Bite me, dango-bitch!" he spat.

Grinning, Anko darted for his neck and did just that…

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Meanwhile, unnoticed or ignored by the two, someone was commentating.

"Ouch! That's going to leave a mark," the girl, looking about twenty, with pale brown hair and squinty eyes said as Anko bit Harry.

"And poor Harry-kun is left to Anko-san's tender mercies as she does her vampire imitation and… what's this? A snake seems to have crawled out of Harry-kun's pocket and bitten Anko-san in the face, causing her to loose her hold," her companion, a red-headed girl said.

"Anko-san doesn't look too happy, Kazumi-chan," the other girl said, wincing as Harry spin-kicked Anko's head, only to have his leg grabbed and used to throw him into the log he'd been waiting against.

"No, she doesn't, Mitsune-chan," Kazumi said, raising an eyebrow as Harry made a tugging gesture and causing his fallen dagger to streak for Anko's back. Anko, who had been in the process of charging Harry, immediately replaced herself with a _Kawarimi_. "Must have to do with the rumor Harry-kun sent her a bouquet of snakes earlier this year."

Naruto crept up to them and snatched Mitsune's microphone. "Attention, ladies! Photos of Harry-niisan in his underwear are now being sold at nine hundred ryou a pop! Available while supplies last! Why, thank you, girls," Naruto said, grinning widely as he accepted Mitsune and Kazumi's money.

Somewhere in the crowd, Sasuke twitched as Iruka went off to collect his errant student, slightly hampered by the fact there was a wave of women rushing to get their photos of Harry in his undies. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

Myrtle leaned down towards Sasuke, freaking out a few classmates who still weren't quite used to the _yurei_. "You are getting me some of those," she hissed.

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The fight was long, brutal and very, very messy. It involved low and underhanded maneuvers, backstabbing, surprise attacks, imaginative use of _jutsus_, an abundance of weapons, and very dirty tricks.

By the time Iruka managed to get to Naruto, there were legions of unconscious females around him as he gleefully counted his money. The others crawled away, rubbing their hard-earned pictures to their faces.

Anko and Harry's fight wasn't much better. The senior Uzumaki/Potter gave as good as he got, putting his Chakra Scalpel technique to good use as he attempted to cut Anko literally anywhere he could get his hands on. Neither were able to speak much, as both had tried to go for crushing throat strikes. Blood flew liberally whenever they got a chance to go for their weapons, at least until the other got it away from them.

Still, despite Harry's best efforts, he still came out of it with multiple broken bones, at least ten weapons stuck into him, a severely damaged throat, broken ribs, an obscene number of cuts, enough bruising to make his skin look like a bad camouflage print, a smattering of internal damage and various stabs into his limbs.

Despite Anko's experience, Harry was still able to leave his marks on her, though. She had a crushed throat too, as well as various burns in various places from various fire techniques. He'd gotten at least three good stabs into her torso and even more into her extremities. Her left wrist was limp where he'd broken it and she favored her right knee. Her hair had come out of its bun, and there was a profusely bleeding cut on her throat, dangerously close to her arteries. Harry had been paying attention to his anatomy scroll, after all.

Anko was in and out of the hospital in three days. Harry took a little longer.

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Harry decided he'd spent an obscene amount of his life in hospitals. He was currently admiring the ceiling of his room and comparing it with Hogwart's hospital wing when there was a knock on his door. Turning slightly, he saw Sasuke, Naruto, and Myrtle come in. Sasuke was carrying a bouquet of flowers. Harry raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, waiting for an explanation.

Myrtle immediately moved to hover close to him, careful not to touch his skin. He still wasn't well enough to concentrate chakra and touch her, so any contact would be cold. Still she hovered protectively over him, a grim guardian.

"Hey, _aniki,_" Sasuke said, as he put the flowers in a vase next to the bed. "Hinata-chan sends her regards. How are you today?" Ah. So that's who it was from.

"Okay," Harry said a little roughly. The medics had taken care of his throat with a healing _jutsu_, but it was still a little sore from Anko's kick. "Doctors say I'll be out in a couple more days."

"And back to training and missions?" Naruto said dryly.

Harry nodded, and all three of them winced.

"You're right," Sasuke said. "That sensei of yours is a real bitch."

"'Told ya," Harry moaned. "Thank Hinata-chan for the flowers for me, will you?"

The two pulled up chairs and chatted about what had been going on during the past few days. Copies of the videos of Harry's fight were making the rounds and becoming very popular. Sasuke's new book was selling well, and there were rumors someone wanted to turn it into a manga series. Sasuke gleefully informed Harry that Dragon Ball had been cancelled after the number of children hurt from trying to fly by concentrating their chakra had reached unacceptable levels. Needless to say, Naruto had become pouty.

They weren't Harry's only visitors. The seduction ANBU kunoichi had dropped by as well, leaving their well-wishes and flowers behind (some left their underwear, much to the annoyance of the hospital staff). Hinata had come herself and the two had a pleasant talk about 'Yami no Tsubasa' and the publishing industry in general before she had to leave.

This was not counting the tons of gifts, cards and flowers that Harry received. The Yamanaka's sent him a congratulatory arrangement thanking him for giving them their highest-earning week all year. Ayame from Ichiraku sent him a bowl of ramen every day. Jiraiya sent him a letter asking if he could get any of the nurses to pose for him in his book.

One night, the hospital staff came rushing to his room after getting an alarm to find his room filled with snakes he was frantically trying to order to go away. One of them had a note from Anko saying he owed her a new coat. He thanked his foresight in keeping a bezoar on himself. Getting bitten by poisonous snakes was _not_ an experience he wanted to have often.

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When Harry was finally dismissed from the hospital, the first thing he did was go after Naruto (he'd heard about the pictures). All was right between them after he tossed the blond naked into one of the women's baths in the hot spring district.

Myrtle was incapacitated as Harry gave her a chakra-charged kiss to make up for all those days he was recuperating. It took her twenty-four hours to recover from the shock.

Hinata received a 'thank you' note from Harry about the flowers, along with a book that usually had a bright orange cover but was currently sporting a dull brown jacket. Hinata, curious as to what the book contained, waited until after dinner to open it. She was deep crimson by the second page. That didn't stop her from reading it, though. A week later, she finally managed to approach Harry about getting the next book.

Harry and Sasuke got to talking and by the end of summer, every weapon shop in Konoha was producing weapons made from Uchiha-steel. They all paid sizable royalties to Sasuke, and everyone lived happily ever after.

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_The day after Harry was let out of the hospital…_

Harry waved lazily to Kakashi as he came to the meeting ground. The jounin nodded politely, muttered something along the lines of "Good fight," and proceeded to go back to his contemplation of the memorial stone.

He'd left by the time Anko sauntered in, wearing nothing but her fishnets, skirt and holster. Without a word, Harry reached down to the paper bag he'd bought with him, pulled out a tan coat and threw it at her.

She deftly caught it in one hand, raising an eyebrow as she examined it casually, then shrugged it on.

"All right," she said. "Let's see how much you've slacked off…"

The two got into ready positions, the same eager grins on their faces…

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Orochimaru left Konoha unnoticed, an unconscious smile on his face. His student hadn't lost any of her skill, nor her penchant for sadism. Her student was pretty good too. She seemed to be rubbing off on him. Yet from all indicators, he would be only an average ninja, nothing gifted or genius about him. As to why he was his student's student, Orochimaru had noted the looks on some of the women present. It was readily apparent Sarutobi had assigned him to her out of some kind of necessity.

All in all, not someone to waste his time on. Konoha could keep him.

Yet as he walked away from the village of his birth, nursing a secret– even from himself– pride at the achievements of his student, one thing bothered him. What had that strange _jutsu_ he'd used one Anko been? What had he called it? '_Expelliarmus'?_

Orochimaru frowned briefly, before putting that thought away as well. He'd learn it eventually– at this, even he had to smile– when he finally destroyed Konoha…

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– **To be continued…**

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

A/N: I believe this is what is usually referred to as crack.

As I'm sure you've noticed by now, I mostly do Sasuke- or Harry-perspective scenes. That's because I don't think crawling into Naruto's head is such a good idea, as I don't think I'm really properly capable of it. Besides, he's underused as a good character (pointless romance fics don't count). Most of the fics these days show him as a bastard with no redeeming qualities. Kind of like a lot of depictions of Ryouga. Hello? He didn't kill Naruto when he had the chance, even though it would supposedly give him the Mangekyou! That is not what a heartless bastard would do!

BTW, how do you say 'uncle' (the relative, not the surrender) in Japanese?

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**It's Not Yet Over…**

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Harry ran laughing down the main street of Konoha, followed by an enraged and inflamed red Anko waving a _kunai_.

"STAND STILL AND DIE PROPERLY, UZUMAKI!" she cried, trying to run, wave and scratch herself at the same time.

Harry just kept laughing as the nearly-torture-grade itching powder he'd put in the coat finally did it's work…

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**Okay, Now It's Over…**

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The Hinata situation will be tackled in the next chap. Hope to see you all there!

Please review, C&C welcome. Please also check out my other fic, **_Sakura's Harem._**

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	11. The Grand Hinata Plot!

A/N: And now, let the Hinaruto commence! Kudos to **Dragon Man 180 **for one of the ideas.

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 11: The Grand Hinata Plot!

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything, with the possible exception of Harry's dagger.

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Harry frowned down at his notebook, squeezing his brain for other options besides the ones he'd listed there. The paltry few items he'd written down shone back at him, seeming to taunt his inability to come up with a good idea. Darn that promise!

So intent was he, he didn't even notice when the bane of his existence arrived. Anko raised an eyebrow as her student completely ignored her existence, so intent was he in his study. Stalking quietly behind him, she glanced over his shoulder. "Watcha doin'?"

"**_GAH!_**" Harry cried, jumping at least fifteen feet in the air in surprise and losing hold of his notebook.

Snickering to herself, Anko plucked the book out of the air as Harry began his descent. "Now, what do we have here. Hmm, 'Options: 1) drop hints often; 2) trick Hinata into thinking I gave her a potion to increase her courage and have her confess; 3) get Hinata drunk and see what she says in Naruto's presence; 4) get Naruto drunk, leave him with Hinata and see what happens'… what the heck is this?"

Harry made a frantic grab for his notebook, but Anko made a casual pirouette that sent him crashing into a tree. She perused the notebook further as she dodged every single one of Harry's panicked attempts to grab the book. "Are you trying to set your brother up or something, Uzumaki?"

"None of your business, dango-bitch," Harry said, lunging for her and finding himself running his face straight into her sandal.

"Tut-tut," Anko said, wagging her finger at him as she kept her foot in his face, still perusing the book. "That's dango-bitch-_sensei_ to you, gaki."

Harry stepped back, doing a quick _jutsu_ to heal his bloody nose. "Whatever. Give me back my notebook!"

Anko finally turned to the cover, laughing out loud at the title. "'My Evil Plotting Book For Getting My Brothers Hooked Up, Providing Little Nieces And Nephews, And Making Me An Uncle'? Are you serious?"

"(BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP), (BLEEP)," Harry said, launching himself at Anko once more.

Training that day was one long, long, looonnnggg 'Recover-The-Stolen-Document' exercise.

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By the time lunch rolled around, Harry was feeling humiliated and glaring at Anko as she kept reading his notebook, giggling to herself every so often. Grumbling, he reached for the ramen in front of him only to twitch in annoyance as Anko grabbed it and started eating, still reading his notebook. Okay, that was _two_ things she'd taken from him.

The next bowl of ramen he was finally able to eat, although he kept an eye on Anko the whole time in case she decided to try and steal it. Finally, after eating his usual five bowls of ramen. He turned to Anko, who was still snickering over his book. "Shouldn't we be going to get a mission about now?"

"Nothing good today," she said, still reading. It was really starting to piss Harry off. "Why don't you try and set your brothers up or something."

Harry gave her a dirty look, resisting the urge to stick a _kunai_ in her somewhere. He might get blood on his notes. "Fine. I'll do that," he said sarcastically.

With one last look at Anko and wondering if he'll ever get his book back, Harry went off towards the technique vault.

All in all, it was a beautiful day in Konoha. The sun was shining, the sky was the proper shade of blue (rather than some Apocalyptic, 'The Batman'-surreal color), the birds were singing, people were milling about. Kakashi was fogging up the front window of a bookstore.

"The new 'Icha Icha' isn't coming out for another three weeks," Harry said as he passed the jonin, who was salivating over the promotional poster of the aforementioned book.

Kakashi turned to look at him. "How would you know?"

Harry smiled slyly. "I know the owner of this place. He tells me the delivery schedule for the new books so I can schedule my days around them and be one of the first to get a copy," he lied smoothly. The _real_ reason he knew was that the publisher had told him.

Kakashi slumped, realizing his reason for living wasn't coming any time soon.

"Of course," Harry said, "There are other books."

Kakashi snorted. "What mere book can compare to the greatness that is 'Icha Icha'?"

Wordlessly, Harry pulled out a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa' from his belt pouch. The jonin took one look at it and laughed. "You've gotta be kidding me!" he said. "That's a girl's book!"

"It has a girl-on-girl scene," Harry informed him. Again, a lie. Asuka _wishes_ she and Rei have a girl-on-girl scene.

Frowning slightly, Kakashi warily took the book as if afraid it could contaminate him. His reticence of the thing came from a very reasonable source: Maito Gai read this book.

Still, Harry didn't know that, so he said, "Go on. Give it a try."

Warily, Kakashi opened it and began to read…

Fifteen minutes later, Kakashi was rolling around on the ground, laughing his ass off. "Make it stop… make it STOP…" he wheezed, only to continue reading the book again and going into another breathless bout of laughter.

Harry had long since left with the parting words of, "Keep it, it's yours" and hoping the guy didn't laugh himself to death.

Several hours later, Kakashi finally regained control of himself, staring at the book before him in awe. It was so different from his beloved 'Icha Icha', and yet… the laughter! The wit! The 'they're funny because they're true' lines! For the first time in a long while, his perverted heart opened to something new. He had found his second love!

Shakily getting to his feet, Kakashi entered the store whose window he'd been fogging up, going straight for the counter and plopping the book down on it. "More!" was all he said, in the voice of a desperate man.

Even as the counterman went off in search, a struggle was beginning in his heart. _Icha Icha… Yami no Tsubasa… Icha Icha… Yami no Tsubasa… ICHA ICHA… YAMI NO TSUBASA… **NO! I CANNOT CHOOSE! I MUST HAVE THEM BOTH!**_

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Meanwhile, Uzumaki Sasuke, genius, prankster, writer adored by millions, shinobi in training, and definitely _not_ angsty avenger, was doing something he didn't think he'd be doing anytime soon.

He was training a girl.

"Now, be careful how you breathe, Hinata-chan," Sasuke said as they stood in the middle of a clearing during their 'self-study' period. "If you happen to inhale or hiccup at the wrong time, you could end up like _aniki _and burn your throat."

Young Hyuuga Hinata nodded in understanding, her hands beginning to form the seals she'd recently been taught as Sasuke supervised. During the Uzumaki equivalent of a bout of drunkenness– meaning, they were on a high after successfully pulling off a prank, eating an absurd amount of ramen, and about full of sugar from a pound of candy– Harry and Sasuke had decided that if Hinata was going to be a part of the family, then she'd have to be up to be able to keep up with Naruto, and see how much ramen she could eat. Fortunately for Hinata, once they sobered up, they realized that wasn't such a good idea, and once more began to trek through the familiar paths of the conundrum of getting their brother together with the girl they had come to like– but not in _that_ way.

Harry had been blown for a loop at the existence of a shy Hyuuga. He'd met arrogant Hyuuga, he'd met sexy Hyuuga, he'd met cold-as-ice-conceited-bastards Hyuuga, he'd met nymphomanic Hyuuga (don't ask), but he'd never met a shy Hyuuga. Hinata was definitely one of a kind. And because of a stupid promise, they couldn't _tell_ Naruto about her. So Harry, Sasuke and Myrtle decided, after a goodly bit of plotting, eating ramen and distracting Naruto with Full Metal Alchemist (his new thing after Dragon Ball, since it featured a short blond guy), that they would try a multi-pronged attack.

Harry was in charge of thinking up ways to drop hints for Naruto and to get Naruto and Hinata together. Sasuke was in charge of building up Hinata's confidence so she could do things herself. They'd already recognized that the Hyuuga girl had an enormous confidence problem (thereby blowing Harry's theory that Hyuuga learned to be asses from birth right out of the water), so they set out to do the only thing they knew to help with that.

They trained her.

_WHY?_ had been Myrtle's resounding– and quite valid– question.

"Because," Harry had said, "the positive reinforcement of managing to overcome difficulties in the pursuit of knowledge and the betterment of the self will eventually begin to have an effect on her perception of self-worth, and eventually providing her with the stimulus to confess her feelings of lust and desire."

Myrtle had blinked and turned to Sasuke for a translation. Harry was still a little high and thus a bit weird.

"Training her makes her feel better about herself, which makes her feel good, which should build up her confidence and eventually drive her to confess to Naruto that she has the hots for him and that she'd like him to do her right there, right then," Sasuke interpreted.

Hence what he was doing now. Sasuke had decided to begin with the basics. Of course, given how he'd grown up before becoming an Uzumaki, he had a rather skewed view of the basics. Thus, he was teaching Hinata the Grand Fireball technique.

So far, she hadn't burned herself yet. Sasuke took that as a good sign.

Hinata began the series of hand seals of what had once been the Uchiha's 'Rite of Passage' technique. Sasuke made sure to be behind her, the bucket of water and burn kit ready just in case. Hinata finished molding the chakra, seemed to take a deep breath raised her guiding hand to her mouth, and blew.

Sasuke watched in approval as a basketball-sized burst of flame erupted from the girl's mouth. "Great work, Hinata-chan!" he said, meaning every word of it. "Now let's see how big you can make it."

Hinata's still shy, yet victorious and determined smile made Sasuke think Naruto was a very lucky guy.

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Harry frowned at the scroll before him. It wasn't being too informative, at least not yet, but hidden deep inside might lie the answer to what he hoped to construct. The secret to the power he hoped to posses. The solution to his conundrum of–

Harry's head hurt.

Pushing the scroll away– why did it have to be so darn _technical_?– Harry reached for one of the others he hand in front of him. Compared to the one he'd been studying, Chakra Strings were a much simpler matter. He thought back to his fight with Anko not so long ago. That had been the first time he'd used the technique in battle, using it to pull his dagger back to him. It had taken all the effort he had to get it right that single moment. He'd made sure not to lose the dagger again after that, afraid he couldn't pull it off again.

Anko had corrected his usage of the Snake Hands technique (he'd been right; his version _was_ highly bastardized), going on and on about how he was embarrassing her by screwing up 'such a simple technique'. As for the Chakra Scalpels, Anko wasn't an expert, but the medic-nin he'd asked about it with had said his control was good, and that the only thing left was to hone it with time.

He wished Jiraiya had stuck around. He'd wanted to ask the old pervert something...

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Somewhere, Anko was _still_ snickering over Harry's notebook.

Mido Miko, member of the secretive Miroku Clan and head of the ANBU Seduction Corp, looked at her strangely from across the sofa of one of the jounin-only lounges (or, as some thought of it, genin-free-heaven). She folded her copy of 'Icha Icha' shut. "Are you all right, Mitarashi-san? Harry-kun didn't hit you with that giggling jutsu of his again, did he?"

Anko looked, slightly annoyed at being interrupted. "No, of course not. And I was _snickering_, not _giggling_, for your information."

"Oh," Miko said, tense but glad she hadn't set Anko off. The woman tended to be unpredictable, and one was never sure if that would manifest as a roll in the hay or a lump in the head. "Is that the new 'Yami no Tsubasa'?"

Anko smirked. "No," she said. "It's Uzumaki's diary..."

Miko, as well as most females listening, felt their eyes go wide at those words, and they stared at the seemingly innocent notebook hungrily...

Somewhere, Harry sneezed, rubbed his nose, and went back to training Hinata.

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Hinata woke up feeling rather nervous for some reason, even though she really had no reason to be. Last night's training with Sasuke and Harry had been the best yet. She'd finally produced a full-sized, suitable to be called 'Grand', Fireball. She was so surprised she accidentally caused the last of it to 'backfire' and burn her throat. Fortunately, Harry was able to heal her injuries using his healing _jutsu_.

She'd supposed that by Uchiha standards, she was now a full-fledged woman.

_"Uzumaki standards, future-sister-in-law,"_ Harry-san had said with such a smile that she hadn't been sure if he was joking or not. _"Welcome to the family."_

Hinata felt a jolt go through her at remembering those words. Maybe _that_ was why she felt so nervous. That had been the first time Harry or Sasuke had made a _really_ explicit statement about wanting her to be with- !

Hinata blushed as she buried her face in her hands. Oh, she was _sooo_ pathetic! She couldn't even think of his _name_ in that context! Ugh.

Deciding she might as well get up, Hinata threw back the covers of her futon, blushing as an orange and a red-and-black book came into view. It was less the red-and-black book and more the orange book that did it. Quickly, she grabbed both books, momentarily debating whether or not to read them- she had time, after all- or put them back on the shelf.

Fifteen minutes later, when someone knocked on her door, Hinata had a rather healthy blush on her face as she tried to keep her nose from bleeding. Oh, she _really_ needed a bath. A long, wet bath...

Hinata's blood pressure had dropped down to normal by the time breakfast came around. She kept her head down, trying not to draw attention to herself as she ate. Fortunately, her father was reading the newspaper, while Hinabi was too intent on her food. The kitchen had made her favorite this morning, and Hinata's younger sister was focused on it with the intensity of Naruto eating Ramen. Maybe this morning, they'd forget her existence...?

Those hopes were dashed when, just as she'd finished with her food and was getting ready to leave, a Branch House member suddenly appeared. "Hiashi-sama, there is a boy loitering outside who claims to be waiting for Hinata-sama. What do you wish us to do?"

Hinata paused as she was about to stand, feeling very conspicuous for some reason. Her father was glaring at her like this was all _her_ fault. Hinata resisted the urge to squirm and wasn't very successful.

"What does this boy look like?" Hiashi said, still looking at Hinata even though the question was directed at the Branch House member.

"He is about so tall, Hiashi-sama, wearing common clothes. His _hitai-ate_ is worn in a haphazard fashion, and he has a small scar on his forehead in the shape of a lighting bolt. He is presumably a genin," the Branch House member reported.

At this description, some of the maids clearing the tables suddenly straightened. Hiashi frowned at them, and they all ducked their heads, blushing slightly. Still frowning, he turned back to Hinata... who was already gone.

Hiashi frowned some more.

Outside, Harry was leaning against a wall, hands cushioning his head, his eyes closed. Said eyes opened as Hinata approached timidly, the smile that had been playing on his lips widening at the sight of her before drooping into a mock frown. "Hinata-chan, _do_ stand up straight. You're a woman now- half-way there, anyway- so act like it."

From her father, such a speech would have caused Hinata to crumple in on her head, bow her head, and start stuttering and playing with her fingers. Now, however, she just smiled slightly, matching his in tone if not size, and straightened her back, looking taller all of a sudden. "Hai, Harry-san!"

Harry chuckled. "None of that, future-sister-in-law. Come on, I'll walk you to school. I wanna talk to you about something."

Harry pushed off from the wall and pirouetted before walking in the direction of the Academy, Hinata falling into step next to him. "What did you wish to speak with me about, Harry-san?"

"Well, for starters, when are you going to start calling me 'oni-chan'?" Harry said, pouting at her. Hinata giggled. She couldn't help it, Harry-san could be so silly sometimes.

"Anyway," Harry said, dismissing the subject, "Sasuke and I have been thinking..."

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Naruto was wondering where the heck Sasuke and Harry had gone that morning- they'd both been gone when he'd woken up- when some girl walked up to him, looking nervous as she squirmed slightly, wringing her hands. She looked embarrassed for some reason.

Naruto looked at her- she was the one who sat between him and Sasuke; what was her name again? Hinako? Hinagi?- and came to what was possibly a logical conclusion. He reached into his hip pouch and pulled out a roll of toilet paper.

In the sidelines, Harry, Sasuke and Myrtle all facefaulted as Naruto asked Hinata how much toilet paper she needed. Pulling his face off the ground, Harry reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a list, crossing off the first item. Okay, scratch _that_ plan.

"You two take care of this," Harry muttered as he got to his feet. "I've got to get to training."

Ghost and boy exchanged looks and nodded. Time for plan B...

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Hinata sat at her usual seat between Naruto and Sasuke, red with embarrassment. She twitched as she recalled this morning's incident. Harry had thought she could do it, Sasuke had thought she could do it, Myrtle had thought she could do it, even _she_ had thought she could do it! It was supposed to be a simple enough matter, just officially introducing herself and striking a conversation. Simple, right? So how did it result in Naruto giving her _toilet paper_?

Pulling out a book- 'Icha Icha' disguised with a plain brown cover- Hinata tried to forget what had happened, a task that got slightly more difficult when Naruto sat down next to her and settled down for a nap. She flicked her eyes his way, her blush going up a grade. Yup, definitely more difficult.

Sasuke sat down on her other side, his face the usual "Uchiha-mask" of boredom, superiority and disdain. Wordlessly, he held out a folded note to her under the table, which she carefully accepted, mindful of fan girls who might- no, _will_- misinterpret the actions.

She didn't manage to open it until later on in class. It said, quite simply: _Plan B_. Oh. Okay. Just one thing. She had no idea what plan B was.

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Harry arrived for the abuse that constituted his training sessions to find Anko absent. Thinking nothing of it, he began a few warm up moves in case she decided to surprise attack him as she sometimes did, all the while chewing on a idea he had for a jutsu.

When Anko finally _did_ arrive, it was slightly unusual. For one, he'd literally heard her coming a long way off, something that should not have been possible had she just been a chuunin. For another, when she finally did show up, she looked like she'd been through a mob. Harry looked her up and down and said the first thing that came to mind.

"You look like hell."

Her head snapped up at seeing him, and she growled. Straightening, she threw something at him that he reflexively caught, and was surprised to see that it was his 'Evil Big Brother Plotting Notebook', which he'd been meaning to replace.

"Next time," she spat, "don't let me keep your stupid diary!"

Harry sighed, sticking the thing back in his pouch in time to dodge the wild charge Anko made. He got the feeling they wouldn't have much time for missions today, since it was likely he'd be too occupied trying to kept her from crushing his throat again…

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Plan B was aborted, as Iruka managed to stop Sasuke from 'accidentally' cutting Naruto with his _fuuma shuriken_ so that Hinata could escort him to the infirmary and thereby get the two of them together in private (and to make sure the asses in the infirmary actually treated him). The look Hinata gave him for even _suggesting_ that plan made the brunette very glad the plan hadn't succeeded, as he was fairly sure she'd likely use her basic _jyuken_ to shut off his points, then use the Grand Fireball he'd taught her to burn him to a crisp.

Protective. He liked that in a prospective family member.

He thought that as he walked to the infirmary to have his forehead cut treated, since Hinata 'accidentally' slipped and bumped into him, causing him to hit the edge of the desk behind him…

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"Kakashi! I challenge you, my hip and glorious rival, to a duel, where I shall defeat you with the power of youth!"

Three guesses on who that was.

Kakashi looked up, annoyed. And just when it was getting to the really good part, too… using a variation of a secret technique he developed– the one that he used to eat with his mask on– he removed the strips of duct tape he'd plastered over his mouth to keep himself from laughing out loud. "What do you want Gai?" he said, anxious to get back to his new book.

Gai was momentarily flummoxed, as the reply wasn't Kakashi's usual "Did you say something?" but recovered and pointed an imperious finger at the copy ninja. "Kakashi, I challenge you to a duel. Name your challenge!"

Oh. One of those. Kakashi felt, as usual, no desire to participate in these absurd challenges, but they were good for an occasional laugh. But now, all he wanted to do was read his new book in peace– preferably with his duct tape on so that he wouldn't disturb people around him with his laughing. For a moment, he wondered if reading this book could possibly lead to a mind as warped Gai's, and dismissed the thought. That was like saying reading 'Icha Icha' turned you into a monk! Laughter this good can only be medicine… and he would very much like to get back to it.

Hmm…

Suddenly, the proverbial light bulb went off in Kakashi's head.

"All right, Gai," Kakashi said, stuffing the book back into his pouch. "I accept. The challenge is," he paused for effect, "we both read a certain book of the other's choosing. The first one to react in a loud, impassioned manner looses the challenge. Agreed?"

"I accept, Kakashi!" Gai said, lending a little credence to the theory that green spandex was a result of less brain activity. "The book I choose for you is this: Yami no Tsubasa 3: Comedy Special!"

Kakashi twitched. He'd been meaning to save that for a special occasion…

"And for you, I choose," yet another pause for effect, "'Icha Icha Paradise!'"

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Harry barely managed to drag himself the last few feet into Ichiraku ramen and plop himself down on a stool, where Ayame took one look at him and gasped.

"What happened to you?" she said, even as her father too one look at him and started preparing a beef ramen.

"Dango-bitch was in a bad mood," Harry muttered, laying his head on the counter and closing his eyes. "Do I still have some painkillers with you?"

As Ayame went to the back to get him one of his aspirins, Harry felt two people enter the ramen bar, one leaking ill intent (it wasn't bad enough to be called 'killing'), as well as a weak chakra signature. "So, how was school?" he asked.

"It was fine," Hinata stuttered, just as Sasuke said, "Lousy."

"That bad, huh?" Harry said as he felt Myrtle settling in next to him. With an effort, he turned his head. "Hey, Myr-chan. Did you miss me?"

Before Myrtle could answer, Sasuke finally took a proper look at Harry. "What happened to _you_?" he said.

"Dango-bitch was pissed," Harry said, taking the pills Ayame had returned with and popping them in his mouth, then washing them down with some water. "She was muttering something about my diary, which is crazy, since I don't _have_ a diary. Heck, after what happened at school, I'm against diaries. How was plan B?"

In response, Hinata directed a– rather cute– glare at Sasuke, who grumbled something under his breath and asked Ayame to bring one from his stash of candy. Hinata, not really one to hold a grudge like that, exhaled– it wasn't enough to be called a sigh– sat down on Harry's other side (past the spot where Myrtle hovered) and ordered a ramen. The ill intent itself finally receded as she did so.

"Hey everyone!" Naruto cried as she entered the booth. "Hey _aniki_, Myrtle-nesan, Sasuke-kun! How are my three favorite people?"

Hinata instantly squeaked, drawing Naruto's attention to her. Naruto himself froze, realizing he'd just revealed he wasn't on bad terms with Sasuke to a classmate. "Um, I mean…"

"Oh, Naruto, this is Hinata," Myrtle said, gesturing to the Hyuuga, who was trying to hide behind Harry. "Sasuke and Harry have been giving her some pointers for the last couple of days, training her and all that. Hinata, you know Naruto."

The two warily waved to each other, Hinata because she was still trying to hide, and Naruto because he was still slightly wary at dropping the ball in front of a classmate. He glanced at Sasuke, but he hadn't reacted to the shattering of their cover, so he supposed it was all right. Not liking feeling uncomfortable, Naruto said, "So, you dating Hinata now, Sasuke? Finally got over Sakura and Ino?"

At this, Hinata blushed, mortified that Naruto thought she was dating his brother. Sasuke whirled in his seat, not wanting Naruto to think he was dating Hinata– that would ruin **_THE_** **_PLAN_**.

"Oh no," Myrtle said, flapping her hand up and down and reminding Harry of Otohime Mutsumi for some reason. "She's sort of a project of Harry-kun's. Don't let it get around, but Hinata-chan has this crush on a guy in your class, but the problem is that she's really shy, so she can't get the nerve to tell him. Harry-kun heard about this, so he's been training her to improve her self-confidence and got Sasuke to help him when it turned out he wasn't the guy she had a crush on. That's why Sasuke has been training somewhere else for the past few days, and why Harry-kun has been so busy."

Harry, Sasuke, Hinata, Ayame and old man of Ichiraku (Teuchi by name), who'd been there when Harry, Hinata, Sasuke and Myrtle had plotted out getting Hinata together with Naruto, all stared at the ghost in amazement. Said ghost just flashed a perfect 'see how the professionals do it?' smile she'd picked up from Harry.

Naruto, however, was completely oblivious to the byplay. "Oh, really? Why didn't you guys tell me? I could have helped!"

"Um, well, Hinata didn't want people to know, since it might get her teased, so we promised to keep it secret," Sasuke managed to get out. "Sorry for not telling you, bro, but we gave our word."

"Oh, I get it," Naruto said, nodding sagely. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, Hinata-chan," he added, leaning around Sasuke to direct his words at Hinata.

Myrtle poked at Hinata with her elbow, and the cold caused the Hyuuga to snap out of her surprised funk at being addressed. "Arigatou, Naruto-san," she barely managed to stutter out.

Harry, meanwhile, was now gazing at Myrtle with awe. "I love you," he breathed, managing to get together enough chakra control to plant a kiss on her lips.

Myrtle blushed silver, looking very pleased with herself.

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: And despite big plans, Naruto is now aware of Hinata's existence…

This now has new fanart, my rendering of Harry. Check it out on my profile page. Also, I have **_Raikiri Triken_** art too. Yami Hinata in Anko-wear, anyone?

I have a weird theory that the Hyuuga's Byakugan makes them colorblind. That would explain why they all dress in plain colors, and why Hinata can't tell Naruto's wearing orange...

Next chap: the beginnings of Prisoner of Azkaban!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	12. Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 1!

A/N: only two people seemed to notice the appearance of an infamous ninja chick in the last chapter. Does this mean not as many people know who she is anymore…? Is **_La Blue Girl_** a dead anime?

This chapter has an M rating due to certain subjects. Sorry it took so long.

Special thanks to **imaginaryfriend101** for the idea for Harry's gift to himself…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 12: Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 1!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Harry, Sasuke, Myrtle or Hinata, else this would all be canon.

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Uzumaki Harry Potter felt like singing.

Scratch that. He felt like singing and dancing over the roofs of Konoha to put Gene Kelly to shame. And why not? It was a great day, the greatest day, the greatest day of the year, and it was here, here to stay, and it wasn't going anywhere for the next few hours. It was the one day of the year that Harry was always a morning person, no matter what time he woke up.

It was his birthday.

The day had begun before the crack of dawn. Harry had been up and about way before his alarm clock, and had been happy to see the other owls hanging around Hedwig's perch. The Sneakoscope had been nice, and it had been nicer to read about Ron's family getting some money. Harry of all people knew what it was like to have financial problems. The Broomstick Servicing Kit from Hermione had him bouncing around the apartment– literally: he was a ninja and quite capable of it.

The gift from Hagrid had been rather freaky, however, and the only reason he hadn't blown it up into a million pieces was because he'd opened his school letter first and saw it was on the booklist. Given the fact that the thing had a tendency to _bite_, Harry could very well see why Hagrid would send the thing to him. Really, he liked Hagrid and all, but his weird fetish with dangerous animals was freaky.

After he'd opened his presents– Sasuke had given him a new stack of exploding tags, Naruto had given him that set of Love Hina figurines in swimsuits, and Iruka had sent a very thick metal arm guard that was practically a shield (Jiraiya's gift, a coupon for a home-service "lap dance", was nearly thrown in the trash before Harry thought of a better use for it)– the doorbell rang, presenting one Ayame bearing gifts in the form of three bowls of ramen.

After kissing the older girl 'thank you'– no matter how old he was, Harry could still get away with that– the three– four if you count Myrtle– of them had an Ichiraku ramen breakfast. Even though there was no horseplay– too much fear the ramen would get caught in the collateral damage– breakfast was fun.

Harry walked with his brothers partway to the Academy, a spring in his step as he chatted with Myrtle about what Hogwarts would be like in a month. When the ghost had expressed her regret over not being able to get him anything– as a ghost, she was kind of short on material assets, in more ways than one– Harry had taken her into his arms, kissed her– more thoroughly than he had Ayame– and said having her around was enough (Naruto and Sasuke proceeded to gag in the background).

Hinata met then at the usual spot. Ever since Myrtle had circumspectly revealed to Naruto why she was meeting with his brothers, they'd taken to walking with her, partially to get her used to seeing, being seen and walking with Naruto, and partly because some sadistic side of Sasuke and Harry wanted to see Hinata blush like crazy. Unfortunately, this had drawn all sorts of the wrong attention. Girls were now eyeing Hinata speculatively, almost hostilely. Harry, Sasuke, Myrtle, Ayame and old man Teuchi– they'd wanted in on it after that big unveiling at their stand– had spent a few days and many hours trying to find a way to keep Hinata from being lynched by Sasuke's fangirls. The plan had been made, refined and now needed only implementation. And Harry was implementing it now. Why? Well, it was sort of a gift to himself.

Though the fact he'd get to see Hinata blush some more was certainly part of it. He made a mental to see if he was getting addicted to the sight of Hinata blushing. Was that even possible?

Shaking those thoughts away– some things even _he_ didn't want to consider– Harry enjoyed the relative peace as the four of them walked and Myrtle floated with them. He thanked Hinata for her gift– a pair glasses made of special high-impact steel frames with industrial diamond-hard crystal lenses in his grade, the kind duty ninja wore– immediately switching them for the slightly battered pair he was wearing. The sure-grip pads kept it from sliding down his nose, something that happened a lot with his old frames and distracted him a lot during training. He had been lucky it hadn't happened with the basilisk. Besides, given the number of times Anko had broken his old pair kicking him in the face, he was due for a change.

Upon arrival near the Academy grounds, Harry subtly signaled Sasuke and Myrtle to initiate the plan. The two signed back their readiness, although Sasuke was looking a bit nauseous. Smaller wonder, since he was integral to it's working out.

They waited for Naruto to be out of range before Harry turned to the other two brunettes. "Well, take care you two," he said loudly, instantly attracting the attention of the students. Girls noticed Sasuke was somehow involved, however distantly, and were immediately rapt. The fact that Harry was good eye candy didn't hurt either. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Harry added, making a big show over winking at the two of them. Sasuke's redness was likely in no way feigned. Neither was Hinata's, who was once more the (unwitting) participant in another crack-brained Uzumaki Plot™.

Harry was hard-pressed not to laugh as he walked away, quickly chakra-walking up the side of a building that afforded a view of the upcoming confrontation. He had to gag himself to keep from laughing out loud, and even then the occasional giggle leaked out.

Oh, this was going to be _so_ much fun…

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_Aniki's_ words instantly caused a reaction from all the fangirls watching, as evidenced by the fact Sasuke's skin almost literally tried to crawl off him. His well-honed 'Protect' instinct– sharpened by repeated attempts against Naruto– came to the fore, however, when he realized how many almost-but-not-quite hostile looks Hinata was attracting.

Steeling himself, Sasuke made a production of rolling his eyes. "Jackass," he said as audibly as possible without being obvious, before clapping a hand on Hinata's shoulder and squeezing slightly. "Ignore him, Hinata-kun. He's just being an idiot. He knows we're just friends."

Hinata blinked rapidly, still an impressive shade of crimson that would look nice on a sports car. Nodding jerkily, as if reminding herself, she began to walk woodenly towards the Academy's doors. Sasuke nodded to Myrtle-neesan, before putting his hands in his pockets, looking as cool as possible and following after her.

As he crossed the threshold of the building, he heard a babble of voices rising behind him, trying to be soft and not succeeding. Sasuke let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding; his part was over. Phase Three had begun…

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In the short time she was in the class, Myrtle had developed something of a reputation. It was widely known she was on speaking terms with Sasuke, even if no one could figure out exactly how or why. It was also known that, as the class's unofficial caretaker when Iruka wasn't around, she could be trusted and was relatively well informed.

Hence, she was the first avenue of information the girls tried before crazy rumors began flying. Lucky she was there for Sasuke's fangirls to ask right away, wasn't it?

"Myrtle-san, what was _that _all about?" Ino asked. She was always polite around the ghost, owing to the fact she was a secret horror movie junkie and had rather over-exaggerated notions of what the yurei could do.

"Hyuuga's not trying to put the moves on Sasuke-kun, is she?" some random girl growled. Irritably, Myrtle passed her hand through her chest. The girl yelped from the cold.

"No, silly," Myrtle said. After her… performance at Ichiraku's a while back, it was unanimously agreed she was the best at this kind of stuff. Who'd have thought? "You see, it's a kind of convoluted story. When he was younger, Sasuke-kun had a mild crush on Hinata," (gasps of outrage and despair from the peanut gallery) "but when he got to know her better, he recognized the silly crush for what it was and became friends with her." (there were various sighs and suspicious growls) "Then Sasuke-kun found out that there was someone Hinata liked, so, romantic that he was" (interested murmurs and more sighs rose) "offered to help her get the boy he liked. In fact, he committed himself so much that he swore he would never take a girlfriend until Hinata had her boyfriend."

There were more gasps this time around as everyone suddenly started whispering.

"So _that's_ why he–"

"–so romantic, going without until his friend had someone–"

"–girl's so lucky, having Sasuke-kun like her so much–"

"–she's silly though, no boy's as good as Sasuke-kun–"

"–don't suppose she's really after Sasuke-kun?"

"No, she already turn him down and–"

"**AHEM!**"

Everyone turned to Ino, who was an undisputed top dog, if not exactly universal leader (they were all competing for Sasuke, after all). "This is just more proof that Sasuke-kun is the perfect boy!" Ino said, to much agreement from the crowd. "And since it is his wish that Hinata-chan get the boy of her dreams– never mind that he probably isn't anywhere near as good as Sasuke-kun; foolish girl (there were murmurs of agreement mixed with a lot of relief)– then we must do everything in our power to help her as well!"

"Besides, you heard what Myrtle-san said," another random girl interjected. "He's not even going to _think_ about girls until he hooks her up!"

_And the warping begins,_ Myrtle thought, amused. It had barely been two minutes, and already they were changing the story. Still, as long as it stayed true to form, that was all right.

As the girls combined the unfathomable idea of Sasuke taking himself out of the market with his promise to Hinata, chewing the thoughts over in their heads and cementing– according to Ayame and old man Teuchi, who had a lot of experience dealing with people– in their minds the simple equation of 'Hinata-gets-her-boy-equals-(insert fangirl's name here)/me-getting-Sasuke!', Myrtle decided that, now that the plan was in motion, she might as well have some fun of her own. "Aren't you girls going to be late? I don't think Sasuke likes people who aren't punctual…"

That was all she had to say before there was a collective screech, followed by a mad rush towards the front doors of the Academy.

Myrtle shook her head, reflecting on her old school days. "Some things never change…"

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From his post, Harry laughed his pretty head off…

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"Hey brat," Anko said as she appeared at their meeting place. "Happy birthday."

That was all the warning Harry had before a bag of some kind of oil exploded all over him. Poison oak extract, he noted. Good thing he wasn't fatally allergic.

For a moment, he wondered how long Anko would survive under the Cruciatus curse– he'd heard extended exposure drove people insane, or even killed them– then dismissed the thought as unimaginative. He didn't want Anko dead or insane (that would be redundant, anyway); he wanted her to suffer. No, that wasn't quite right.

He wanted her to suffer from payback.

As he wiped the mess off as well as he could, extracting the oil with his wand, his mind thought of a certain coupon…

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That summer, Harry had to deliver another one of Sasuke's manuscripts. This time, he'd prepared in advance, handing Anko one of the advanced author's copies (fortunately, like last year, she was too dazzled to ask how he got it), and bribing a few other shinobi with same so that they'd assist him practically for free. After a while of digging, he finally came up with two names that were such 'Tsubasa' Otaku that they could be bribed with the book: Maito Gai and Hatake Kakashi.

It was ridiculously simple, really. All he had to do was wave the copies in front of their faces, and they were begging him to let them help. Heck, Kakashi offered to give him his Sharingan, of all things! Tempting, but freaky.

Of course, it wasn't as easy as all that. Harry wanted to gouge his ears out at Gai's ranting (the outfit, not so much. At least it wasn't as bright as Naruto's suit). Kakashi kept fading out at times, then suddenly being possessed by a manic energy and chanting "Yami. Yami! YAMI!". Dango-bitch was almost useless, too intent reading to be any good.

Thankfully, this year there were less nuts out to illegally obtain the script. Seriously, if people were such big fans, they should be willing to shell out big bucks like everyone else!

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Harry was quietly waiting for Anko to have another breakdown as the end of her tenure as his sensei– for that summer, anyway– neared. Though she was still as breezily psychotic as ever, stealing his food, making him pay for her dango, attacking (read: pranking) him out of the blue for no reason and using language certainly not fit for minors (fortunately, Harry was just as bad, maybe even worse), Harry couldn't help but feel slightly nervous. Her rants last year had sounded very similar to that of one of the older girls at orphanage, back when he was still _allowed_ to live at the orphanage. This girl had lost both her parents, but had ranted about how they'd left her. He'd overheard one of the matrons say something about abandonment issues.

Sometimes, when he lay in bed with nothing to do but try to sleep and not think about what time he had to wake up in the morning, he wondered what exactly had happened to dango-bitch that had given her such issues. Then realized he was thinking about _Anko_ when he could be thinking about something else– like say, cat-girl Hermione, or cat-girl Ginny, or better yet, cat-girl Ginny _and_ Hermione!– and promptly start thinking about said other things.

As September drew near and still no sign of Jiraiya, however, Harry started getting worried. He'd been wondering when he'd be able to go shop for new school supplies, and the Sannin not being around certainly put a damper on that. While he could certainly go by himself, wizards apparently didn't let their kids roam all alone like they did here in Konoha.

It was with great relief when, barely two days before school was supposed to start, that Harry received a message to meet with the Hokage. He hadn't seen the old man in a while, not since the fight with Anko. He dearly wished someone had gotten a picture of the old man in his beer hat.

The relief ebbed slightly when he saw that his crazy sensei was already there, munching on some dango (proving conclusively she had her own money to buy the things!) and looking very Anko-ish.

"What do you want old man?" Harry said, one hand on his hip, the other ready to snap up and pull his wand-cored dagger out of his sheath in an instant. Ah, the paranoid life of a shinobi.

"Jiraiya just sent word," Sarutobi said, handing Harry a letter strewn with the toad hermit's atrocious writing, making his inner editor cringe in horror and disgust. "He won't be able to take you to Diagon Alley this year."

Frowning down at the letter and automatically making mental corrections out of habit, Harry asked, "What took him so long?"

"Well, apparently, he was someplace in Europe and got distracted by a nude beach."

Harry palmed his face. Typical perverted Jiraiya. A part of him wondered if those beaches were close to Hogwarts…

Then Harry realized something. "Hey, who's going to sign my permission slip?" he cried.

The Hokage raised an inquiring eyebrow, while Anko remained thankfully silent. "Permission slip?" the old man asked.

"Yeah, permission slip," Harry said, reaching into his pouch and pulling out a slip of parchment. "Third years are allowed to go to town but for some (bleep)-ing reason, we need a signed permission slip to do it! Now what am I gonna do? Perverted sannin's my guardian, and if he's not here–"

"Oh, one of those kinds of things," Sarutobi said, intimately familiar with such asinine forms from his days as a teacher and recently as a Hokage. "I can sign it for you. I'm sure Albus will accept it."

The next thing he knew, he was being hugged by an ecstatic Uzumaki. "THANK YOU HOKAGE-SAMA!" he cried, forgetting himself and actually calling Sarutobi by his title instead of some other name.

Sarutobi had time to get a warm fuzzy feeling before Anko said, "Hey, indulge your old man fetish on your own time, brat!"

Harry was immediately ten feet away, shaking his arms as if flicking some substance off. "I DO NOT HAVE AN OLD MAN FETISH, DANGO-BITCH! I MIGHT HAVE A CAT-GIRL FETISH, I MIGHT HAVE A RED-HEAD FETISH, A LESBIAN FETISH, A BLUSHING-HINATA FETISH– oh, kami, did I just say that (**BEGONE EVIL THOUGHT!**)?– AND THEN SOME, BUT I CERTAINLY DON'T HAVE AN OLD MAN FETISH!"

"Keep yelling at me brat, and I won't go with you so you can go shopping," Anko said cheerily, even as the most minute flicker of _something_ glinted in her eyes. Sarutobi might have noticed (looking 'underneath the underneath' and all) but he was too busy getting overloaded by too much information from one of the boys he considered a great-grandchild.

Harry blinked, taking in what Anko just said, then rounded on the Hokage in fury. "WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? SHE IS _SO_ NOT GOING!"

The flinch that went through Anko, Sarutobi finally noticed and, knowing her as he did, knew exactly what caused it. Harry, not having his knowledge, completely missed it.

Deciding to set aside the possible psychological repercussions of Anko having to teach someone who had to leave every year and leave her behind for later, Sarutobi calmly steepled his fingers, looked at Harry intently, and spoke. "About a month ago, a wizard by the name of Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, the prison of the British Ministry of Magic. The relevant details are that he is what the wizards consider a Class-S criminal, who supported the Dark Lord Voldemort when he first rose. I do not know all the details, but judging from what Albus told me, he seems to be after you."

Harry blinked in surprise and confusion. "After _me_? Some wizard guy I've never met wants to kill _me_?"

The Hokage nodded. "I'm don't know the details why, but I'm sure you can understand why I want you accompanied when you go. You are a Konoha citizen, after all, and we take care of our own."

Harry just nodded, knowing all that, expecting nothing less from Sarutobi. Instead, he latched on to another thing. "He wants to kill _me_? Why? What did I ever do to him?"

"Hey, don't be so surprised," Anko said. "Lots of people probably want to kill you. Heck, _I_ want to kill you."

"Can I get another chaperone?" Harry said, jerking his thumb at Anko. "One who _hasn't_ voiced homicidal thoughts about me? Like, say, Kakashi? Or maybe Mido-san. She's ANBU, she'll do!"

Anko sneered and said something rude about seduction corps ANBU and 'easy-leg-open-Mido'.

"You will leave tomorrow, which gives you a whole day to do your shopping before you have to leave for school," Sarutobi said, feigning deafness. Hey, Dumbledore wasn't the only one who knew how to do it. "Enjoy your trip."

Harry gave him a withering look, than spared three for Anko. "Some _Class-**S**_ wizard criminal I've never met wants to kill me and the one who's supposed to protect me is a homicidal bitch who wants to do the same. Great. All I need is to be a reincarnation of an Egyptian and my own multi-billion-dollar company, and I'd be Kaiba freakin' Seto."

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Hinata was saddened when she learned that the four of them would be leaving Konoha for the next two days, and drooped even more when they told her that Harry would be absent until next summer. Harry had to make a last minute parting gift of the next few 'Icha Icha' books he'd been keeping back from Hinata (after all, she wasn't old enough to buy them yet) so that she'd stop looking so snifflely. He hated it when girls looked snifflely.

Naruto and Sasuke were up to another shopping trip in Diagon Alley, while Myrtle said she very much wanted to see how the place had changed over the last fifty years. Harry's biggest worry was how to ditch Anko and keep her from fleecing him of his money. He didn't know what she'd buy with it, but it was the principle of the thing!

The next morning, on the day of the shopping trip, Hinata showed up at their door, holding a small wrapped bundle.

"Here," she said, handing it to Harry. "For while you're gone."

Blinking, Harry accepted the bundle, for once not watching in amusement as Hinata tried not to faint at Naruto's proximity. Carefully unwrapping it, Harry was bemused to find a small, rather extensive medical kit, filled with various healing creams, ointments, surgical tools, a field medicine guide, and a handbook on herbs. He raised an eyebrow at Hinata, who shifted.

"Well, Sasuke-kun, Myrtle-neesan and N-naruto-k-kun," she managed to barely stumble over that last, "told me about how you get into accidents at school, so…"

Harry grinned, put down the kit on top of his trunk, and enfolded Hinata in a hug. "Thanks, Hinata-chan," he said. "Though I hope I won't have to use it too soon."

Hinata blushed, returning the hug ever so slightly, before Harry drew away, not wanting to break her by embarrassing her too much. Myrtle gave her an affectionate stroke, making the girl shake slightly from the cold, but she took it in stride, knowing it was the only way the ghost could touch anyone but Harry. Sasuke settled for a quick, one-armed hug, whispering something– probably involving future-sister-in-laws– that made Hinata blush again. After his little outburst at the Hokage's, Harry was taking care _not_ to enjoy that.

Naruto, however, wouldn't settle for anything but a bear hug, completely enfolding Hinata such that he wasn't able to see her face go crimson. Harry had to hand it to his little brother. Despite knowing about the Kyuubi, he didn't think about silly things like not making friends because the people he makes friends with might become secondary targets for kitsune-inspired abuse. After all, if Harry and Sasuke could stand to be around him– and some of the Uchiha Clan, at one point– after knowing about it, then any real friend will as well.

Harry suddenly frowned, struck by a thought. Would Hinata…?

"Well, we gotta go Hina-chan," Harry said. "If we hurry, we might be able to leave dango-bitch behind."

It was a mark of how much time she'd been spending around the Uzumaki's that Hinata– soft-spoken, mild-mannered, cultured, timid princess of the Hyuuga– didn't so much as twitch at the swearing.

"I don't think the Hokage will let you go if the (bleep)-ing (bleep) doesn't go along," Hinata said, clearly remembering the way Anko had fought that time when it seemed all of Konoha had shown up, the invectives just sliding off her tongue like they were buttered.

Again, too much time around the Uzumaki's.

Hinata was right. The old man didn't let them go without Anko, who wasn't there yet, which meant they had to wait for over fifteen minutes. She finally showed, eating a stick of dango, smiling her vapidly-crazy smile, and wearing her usual attire. Looking at it, Harry wondered how the wizards, corrupted by a year of 'Icha Icha', would react, then dearly wished he owned a camera when his mental animation department finally managed a few examples.

By the time the Hokage finally brought out the Portkey– "The _what?_" Anko said– Harry was wondering if he could somehow lure her into Knockturn Alley and leave her at the mercies of all those Dark wizards.

As he felt the pull behind his belly button, one chakra-charged hand holding on to Myrtle– technically, the special Portkey Dumbledore had sent would allow even ghosts to travel as long as they were partially phased through it, but it was more fun to touch her, and she liked the contact– he sighed, deciding that was too cruel. After all, those Dark wizards hadn't done anything to him to deserve _her_…

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"Man, just where the heck is he?" Ron groused as he, Ginny and Hermione rested their feet outside Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlor, having crisscrossed Diagon Alley in the past hour looking for their mutual friend. "Today's the last day before we have to go to Hogwarts, and we still haven't heard from him."

Hermione shrugged. "Maybe that summer apprenticeship of his is taking up more time than he said in his letters? After all, it can't be easy learning a trade when you only have time in the summers and have to go to boarding school the rest of the year." Truth be told, she was just as worried about their somewhat annoying/perverted/womanizing/flat-out-strange friend as Ron was, but someone had to play advocate in these situations, and it was always _never_ Ron.

Ginny just sighed, looking glum. She'd been looking forward to seeing Harry again all summer. The youngest Weasley wondered how he'd liked the Sneakoscope she and Ron had bought for him on his birthday…

She nearly went a foot in the air as a pair of lips briefly touched the back of her neck, and a low, soft voice that sent shivers up her spine whispered, "Hey, gorgeous…"

"Harry!" Hermione cried, as Ron exclaimed, "Bloody hell mate, how do you _do_ that?"

Ginny turned around on her seat, nearly falling over as she saw Harry grin– in her opinion, an opinion she unknowingly shared with girls in both Hogwarts and Konoha– roguishly, one hand casually resting on his hip. "Do what? Sneak up on you, or make girls jump with just my presence?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and Ginny was torn on how to react, but before any of the three could say anything, an unfamiliar female voice said, "Don't get a big head, Uzumaki. I don't like having too big a target."

The sneering tone, so similar to a certain uke they all knew and disliked, drew attention to the strange woman behind Harry. Ron, 'Icha Icha' reader or not, went red at her attire, seeing perfectly well that if her coat moved just a little bit that-a-way, he'd have a view he hadn't seen since he was a baby. Ginny and Hermione were mortified, the former wondering who the heck the woman was, what the heck she was wearing, and how she knew Harry, the latter wondering who the woman was, what she was wearing, how she kept the outfit from chafing, and where she could get something like it (although the last was from a dark, dark part of her soul she wouldn't admit to existing). Oh, and how she knew Harry.

Harry, for his part, closed his eyes tightly, then pulled his head back to look at the heavens. "Why, oh _why_, did Dumbledore have to send that translating thingy along?" It was a measure of his discomfiture that he couldn't remember if it was a potion, a charm, a magic device, or an invisible familiar.

The woman, meanwhile, was looking around, taking in the street and causing much stumbling, some walking into walls, and lots of irritation among females as her clothes– or lack thereof– drew men's eyes. "This is where you go every year? What's with all the cross dressers?"

"Ignore her," Harry told the other three students after Hermione smacked Ron once on the head to get his attention. "My brothers and Myrtle are getting a room at the Leaky Cauldron. I'm supposed to go ahead to Gringotts and get money. Let's make a break for it, and maybe if we're lucky, we can ditch the bitch–"

"Try and ditch me and I'm telling everyone here I'm your mistress," 'the bitch' said over his shoulder.

As Ron and the girls blanched, Harry whirled, looking more upset then they'd ever seen him when someone wasn't in danger. "You wouldn't dare! Besides, I've got better tastes than to hook up with a tramp like you! Heck, _Ginny's_ sexier than you are!"

"Harry, that's my sister you're talking about, and she's sitting right here," Ron muttered just loud enough to be heard, while Ginny was flapping her mouth like a goldfish at hearing herself being described as 'sexy', even more so than the woman in front of her.

"What's your point?" Harry muttered right back.

As Ron tried to cast for a point, Hermione, concerned about Ginny, shook her to get her attention. When that didn't produce a response, she waved her hand in front of the redhead's eyes. Still nothing. "Harry, I think you broke her," she said, a distant part of her finding this all amusing. The rest was trying to figure out just what the heck was happening.

It was at that point that Naruto, Sasuke, and Myrtle finally showed up. They took one look at the tableau– Harry and the woman looking at each other confrontationally, Ron still trying to think of a 'point', Ginny being 'broken' and Hermione trying to get her attention– and came up with a logical question.

"What did we miss?" Naruto asked.

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Harry's only break came when Anko steadfastly refused to get on the Gringott's carts, claiming she might be crazy, but she wasn't suicidal. Thus, Harry was able to spend about twenty minutes away from his psychotic sensei, loading up on Galleons and screaming with Naruto and Sasuke as they rode through the roller coaster that was Gringotts preferred method of getting around.

Said youngsters immediately disappeared after they asked Harry for a little money, instantly causing Hermione to worry. Harry matter-of-factly explained to her that if anyone tried to do anything to them, they were adequately trained to break the guy's wrist and set him on fire, and both carried _kunai_– "They're carrying **_KNIVES?_**"Hermione exclaimed in horror– on them for security.

Only after Myrtle reassured her that the two boys knew how to take care of themselves did they manage to get on with shopping. The woman– Harry had finally introduced her as Anko, even though he only referred to her as 'Dango-bitch' afterwards– trailed behind them, making rude observations and snide comments that Harry either resolutely ignored or yelled back at her for. The other three Hogwarts students didn't know what to make of the situation. They'd never seen Harry lose his cool, especially not with a girl, or any other female for that matter. Myrtle obviously disliked the woman and a bit wary, but she seemed more concerned about Harry than anything else, something which immediately struck the other girls. While Hermione was unsure how to act, Ginny eyed the woman speculatively, wondering what exactly about her made Myrtle dislike her and what her connection was to Harry.

Ron, thankfully for him, was completely oblivious to all this byplay, torn between trying to get a view of Anko's cleavage and resolutely not doing so for fear of his mother.

It was under this cloud of tension that Harry shopped for his things. After dragging him away from the Firebolt display at Quality Quidditch Supplies (he stood there gaping so long that drool accumulated beneath him) and trying to stop a scene after Anko made an off-hand comment ("So, you like the feeling of a shaft between your legs, eh Uzumaki?"), Hermione finally dragged him into Madam Malkin's shop to be measured for new robes.

"Harry," she asked quietly, listening in the background as Anko caught Ron during one of those times he was trying to get a view of her chest, "who exactly is that woman?"

Harry gave her a look, his eyes strangely dulled. "She's my chaperone," he droned, "the person I'm apprenticed to, and the reason I miss Snape during the summers." A sniffle. "I can't wait to see him again. Such a sweet, easy-going, kind teacher." Myrtle patted him on the shoulder, nodding in commiseration.

Hermione's blood turned to ice upon hearing those words. This woman was _that_ scary…? No wonder Harry wouldn't hit on her!

There was a strangled choking sound in the background.

"I don't want to know whether she threatened to castrate him or let him stick his head between her boobs," Harry muttered, making Hermione twitch.

They decided to split up after that, Ginny volunteering to go buy Harry's books while Ron when to get him new quills and parchment. That left the two Hs and Myrtle to go buy potion ingredients, Anko trailing behind them. They spent a little bit more time there then Hermione thought was necessary, but Harry insisted, shelling out quite a bit for a box of bezoars, as well as stuff like nightshade extract, opium, strychnine, various vials of animal venom– which certainly raised Hermione's eyebrows– and some premixed doses of general antidote and anti-venom.

When she inquired as to what they were for, he only said, "I want to experiment."

"For the Slytherins?" she said sarcastically.

"Technically," Harry bantered back. "Voldemort was from Slytherin, remember?"

She wasn't sure if he meant it or not.

Ron met them in front of Flourish and Blotts, handing Harry his change and supplies. The editor was amused to note that "Icha Icha", now in it's second volume, was it's best selling non-textbook. Anko looked at the bright orange displays, and uncharacteristically fell silent, pulling out a copy of 'Yami no Tsubasa' from her hip pouch and making a big show of reading it.

Harry paid for the books Ginny had gathered, adding in a book on poisons– "What is it with you and poisons now?" Hermione asked. "Would you believe I'm trying to score brownie points with Snape?" Harry said, smiling his usual smile for the first time since they went shopping– as well as a volume entitled _The Healer's Helpmate_ that Ron had recommended when Harry had asked if there were any books on healing spells ("Mum uses it all the time when we get into scrapes.").

Harry was all set to go back to the Leaky cauldron and drop off his stuff when Ron suddenly remembered that he needed to get Scabber's checked out at a shop that Tom, the Cauldron's barman, had recommended. Hermione offered to go with him, while Harry, Myrtle and Ginny (they were all trying their best to ignore Anko) went back to the Cauldron.

"So," Ginny said, "how was your summer?"

Harry made a face between a half-smile and a smirk. "I was apprenticed to dango-bitch for most of this summer. What do _you_ think?"

Behind them, Anko kicked the ground, somehow dislodging a small stone. Catching it out of the air, she threw it at the back of Harry's head. There was an audible sound on impact, causing Harry to yelp.

"You're losing your touch already, brat," Anko said, bouncing some more stones on her palm. Harry gave her the finger. Anko grinned. "And phallic imagery will get you nowhere."

"I miss Snape…" Harry whimpered.

Ginny decided she hated Anko.

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Harry finally got another break later that day, managing to have dinner with the Weasleys– _without_ Anko– by cornering Tom and telling him to give her anything she wanted and charge it to him. It took no convincing to get Anko to stay at the bar and get soused.

Naruto and Sasuke showed up in time for dinner, each carrying a long, thin package. They didn't elaborate on what they were, just dropping them off under their chairs as they sat down to dinner with everyone.

Naruto pouted when he saw the first course. "No ramen?" he said, his eyes growing wet, jaw trembling.

Harry shook his head. "Sorry, _otouto_, no ramen."

Naruto gasped. "Barbaric!"

Sasuke patted his brother's shoulder in commiseration.

Myrtle looked down sadly at the food. "I miss eating."

Ron opened his mouth to make a comment, but Harry kicked him under the table. The ninja's look quite easily threatened 'don't even think about it'.

Despite the lack of 'civilized food'– as Naruto often groused– he and Sasuke managed to enjoy the meal, getting seconds of everything, although Naruto loudly proclaimed it still wasn't as good as ramen. Harry got his good humor back now that Anko was safely on the other side of a door, casually flirting with Hermione, Ginny, Myrtle and Mrs. Weasley. The first time Harry called Hermione 'koneko-chan', both Naruto and Sasuke snorted, nearly choking on their food.

"You call her _kitten_?" Sasuke managed to ground out after dislodging the food stuck in his throat.

"Kitten?" Ginny repeated, giving Harry a look. The boy shrugged unrepentantly.

"She's so cute when she's all hissy and catty," he said with a grin, narrowly avoiding the spoon Hermione threw at him.

Before Hermione could throw the rest of her utensils, Sasuke cleared his throat. "Pardon me, but now seems like a good time for me to say this. Hermione onee-san, Ginny onee-san, Naruto and I both got you something."

Harry sighed as wrath was diverted from him when the two girls looked at them curiously. The two boys took the packages under their seats and stood, each walking to one of the girls.

"From what Myrtle-neechan told us, we thought it would be a good idea if we gave you these," Sasuke said, handing his package to Hermione as Naruto did the same to Ginny. "Use them well."

Everyone watched curiously as the two girls opened the wrappings, revealing what appeared to be a baseball bat with thick foam padding over most of the length, and padded grips to keep it from slipping in one's hand. Hermione looked at her's curiously, examining every inch. She came to section of unpadded metal and peered at an inscription, before suddenly guffawing and throwing her head back in laughter– slightly evil laughter, to be precise, which creeped people out a bit. Ginny was giggling at hers.

"What does it say?" Ron said. Hermione, still convulsing with mirth, showed him, not letting go of the bat.

The inscription, which Ron read out loud in tones of disbelieving amusement, said: "This Baka-Bat property of Granger Hermione. Blunt hitting part reserved for the skull of Uzumaki Harry Potter."

Still snickering, Hermione hefted the bat and brought it down soundly on Harry's head, making a satisfying thud and a yelp of indignation. "Harry no baka," she said, finally getting to use one of the lines from her Ranma ½ manga.

A second later, Ginny's own bat connected.

Harry glared at his brothers over the sound of laughing Weasleys, Uzumakis, Myrtle and Hermione. "Traitors."

"Just sucking up to the onee-chan, aniki," Naruto grinned.

Despite Harry's best efforts– and Tom's booze– Anko was, sadly, _not_ drunk out of consciousness. She rather airily– which meant she _was_ partially drunk– told him that she was on duty and thus wasn't allowed to drink enough to incapacitate her. Still, that meant Harry had to get her a room instead of just dumping her out in that back like he'd wanted.

The things he had to do…

When Harry went back downstairs to pay Tom for all the Firewhiskey, he passed the parlor, where he heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. He hung around long enough to hear that they were talking about things he already knew. Still, he wondered who the (BLEEP) this Fudge _was_. Wanting to deliberately keep vital information like away from him? Knowing information like that was the difference between going against someone who was hired to fight you and someone who _wanted_ to kill you.

Also, as he went back upstairs with Ron's bottle of Rat Tonic, he wondered what it was with those Azkaban guards. Dumbledore was one of the most easygoing people he knew, even more so than old man Hokage. What could it be about these guys that made him less than fond of them…?

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Harry woke up to find Naruto and Sasuke sleeping next to him, and for a moment, his mind was back in time, remembering times when he'd woken up like this because there had been a thunderstorm the night before. It was still dark out as Harry carefully pried himself out of bed, silently getting dressed in his usual clothes. That took a while, since he usually had at least four _fuuma shuriken_ on him. The harnesses for them needed talcum powder, since the padding for the leather had worn off over the summer, and he hadn't had time to get it fixed or replaced.

By the time Tom knocked on the door to wake him up, Harry had finished packing his trunk and just fed Hedwig. It finally woke Naruto and Sasuke up, though. They'd just gotten finished dressed when Ron banged into the room, complaining about Percy. The party was soon joined by the twins, who congratulated Ron on pissing Percy off again. Naruto and Sasuke immediately engaged them in conversation, and by the time they got down to breakfast, Harry was doing his darnest to try and keep track of their discussion on, to quote, "the fine art of pranking your older brothers".

At breakfast, they found Mr. Weasley reading a newspaper, while Mrs. Weasley was telling Hermione, Ginny and Myrtle about a Love Potion she'd made when she was younger. The four of them were being giggly, which lifted Harry's spirits a little, seeing them like that.

"Did she say Love Potion?" Sasuke said nervously, suddenly breaking off from the conversation.

"Don't worry," Harry said dryly. "I don't think your fangirls back home will be able to make any."

"At least you'd better hope not," Naruto added. Sasuke gulped, turning even paler than usual.

Anko was sitting at the bar, her head in her arms as Tom deftly mixed raw egg into some unidentifiable liquid that was obviously some kind of hangover remedy. She moaned and groaned occasionally, twitching at noises. Harry couldn't keep himself from grinning; today was already turning out to be a fine day.

A second later, a bat was hitting the top of his head.

"Ow!" Harry said, turning around to find Hermione looking amused and gazing lovingly at her new implement. "What's the big idea?"

"You really shouldn't enjoy that poor woman's suffering like that," Hermione said, resting the bat on her shoulder.

"I'm her student; I have every _right_ to enjoy her suffering," Harry said, crossing his arms. "Getting handy with that thing, aren't you?"

"I have a feeling it's going to become my new best friend," the witch answered back.

"Rawr," Harry said, making a catlike scratching motion. "Kitty's got claws."

Bonk!

"Uzumaki," Anko suddenly said as Harry was about to make a cute pouty face– chicks dig the cute pouty face– at Hermione for hitting him. "Would you stop messing around with your girlfriend and get me something to eat? I'm hungry!"

Scowling at the interruption, Harry sighed and waved Tom over, idly eyeing a bottle of amber liquid. Damned dango-bitch messing with his fun…

Anko was feeling better by the time the Ministry cars arrived to take them to the station, enough to complain about everything from how crowded they were in the back of the car (never mind that she, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Naruto and Sasuke all fit in there, with Myrtle hovering in their midst) to how insanely the Ministry wizards drove. Harry was sorely tempted to borrow Hermione's new bat and wack her until she shut up (and the Ministry drivers, for good measure; they kept looking at his scar through the rear view mirror! Shouldn't they keep their eyes on the road?). Hermione seemed to be considering it too, for that matter.

It felt tight when they made their way to the station, at least from Harry's point of view, what with Mr. Weasley staying close to him on one side and Anko on the other, who was now talking about how easy it would be kill everyone at the station with one well-placed 'accident'. The object he'd hurriedly taped to his back at the Cauldron was hard against his spine…

Getting Anko into Nine-and-Three-Quarters was tough, since she adamantly refused to walk into a brick wall. Myrtle, exasperated at the delay and from hiding inside the space occupied by Harry's trunk, solved the problem by sticking her hand through Anko's spine, causing the jounin to jump into and through the wall in surprise.

"I love it when you do that," Harry laughed as he, Myrtle and Mr. Weasley all crossed into the barrier.

Inside, Anko was trying to look cool, although she glared at Myrtle when she finally came out. The ghost merely said "Boo," causing the woman to suddenly jump back. Anko, apparently, had a small fear of yurei.

Once the others got through, Naruto loudly proclaiming that going through the wall was weird and that he'd never get used to it, Harry and Mr. Weasley led the way to the end of the train. Anko stayed behind at the platform, apparently deciding she didn't need to go with Harry all the way into the train. Whatever it was, Harry was grateful.

Stowing the luggage, Hedwig, and Crookshanks into the train. Everyone trooped right back out again to say good bye. Which produced some surprises.

"You're not coming with me?" Harry said in astonishment, gaping at Myrtle.

The ghost shrugged. "I've been in that castle for most of fifty years. I could use a vacation from it. And I _did_ promise to take care of Naruto and Sasuke for you, after all. Besides," she winked at him, "I wanna see how the Hinata situation turns out."

"Hinata?" Ginny said, eyeing Harry questioningly.

"A girl we've been trying to set up with a boy," Harry explained, before raising an eyebrow at Myrtle. "So you really want to spend the rest of the year playing matchmaker?"

"All things considered," Myrtle's silvery eyes flicked to Naruto, who was talking shop (read: pranks) with one of the twins, "she's going to need all the help she can get."

"You've got a point," Harry said, also looking at Naruto.

"So," the ghost said, suddenly turning towards Ginny and Hermione. "Take care of him, will you? Don't let him get into trouble."

"We'll try," Ginny said, looking at Myrtle intently, before nodding slightly as if agreeing to something. Myrtle nodded back in understanding.

"Trouble seems to find him anyway, though," Hermione added.

"Is it my fault I'm so irresistible?" Harry said posing with fingers in an L against his jaw, his other hand supporting his elbow.

"Yes!" the three girls chorused loudly.

Harry rolled his eyes and began making his good byes with his brothers…

"Harry," Mr. Weasley said quietly, jerking his head towards a pillar as the twins engaged his brothers in conversation again.

Wanting to hear what they might be planning against him but not wanting to be rude, Harry reluctantly followed.

"There's something I've got to tell you–" Mr. Weasley began, but Harry cut him off.

"Sirius Black wants to kill me," he interrupted. "I know."

Mr. Weasley blinked. "You do? How?"

A nod. "I was told back home before I came here. Dumbledore apparently implied something along those lines to… the village elder who gave me my Portkey."

"Oh."

"Is that all?" Harry asked, trying not to sound impolite (hey, it happens!).

"Aren't you scared?"

"Not really. What's another person out to kill me to the other two on the list?"

"'Other two'?" Mr. Weasley repeated incredulously.

"Voldemort," insert shudder hear, "and dango-bitch over there."

Mr. Weasley frowned at the language. "I understand, I suppose, about You-Know-Who, but why do you include her?"

"Trust me, she's out to kill me. You should see the way she treats me during… my apprenticeship."

Mr. Weasley opened his mouth and paused, as if thinking over his words. "Surely you're exaggerating. Isn't… all shinobi training hard?"

Harry's head snapped to stare at the older man, mouth suddenly going slack and dry.

"I recognized the markings from the war," Mr. Weasley explained cautiously, eyes flicking up, not to Harry's scar, but to his _hitai-ate_. Had he been more observant, he would have realized Mr. Weasley was being properly wary after surprising a ninja, as ninja generally didn't like being surprised. "Konoha, I believe?"

"How– you– how long–" Harry sputtered, unable to think of anything coherent to say.

"Don't worry. You're secret's safe with me. Molly didn't really know any of those we worked with during the war."

Finally, Harry got his act together. "_Why didn't you tell me earlier?_" he hissed.

"It never seemed to be the right time," was the reply. "Harry, I want you to swear to me that you won't go looking for Black."

The abrupt shift in topic disoriented Harry, who admittedly did not have Naruto's bloody stubborn single-mindedness. "Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?"

"Look, whatever you might hear– "

There was a loud whistle, and Mrs. Weasley called to Harry to get on the train.

"– promise you won't go looking for Black."

Before Harry could reply, small hands were grabbing his clothes and dragging him towards the train.

"Hurry, _aniki_, or you'll get left behind!" Naruto cried, pushing him towards the nearest door as Harry tried to look over his shoulder at Mr. Weasley. What had the man meant by…?

Harry was just starting to move on his own power when there was a sudden cry of "Hey, Uzumaki!"

Harry turned, only to get hit by a face full of scrolls. He fumbled to catch them through a haze of pain, surprise and confusion, hearing Mrs. Weasley's cry of surprise.

Finally gathering the three scrolls in his hands, he turned to look at Anko, who had a slightly disgruntled look under the usual expression she wore.

"You'd better know what those things are talking about by next year or I'm kicking your ass!" the jounin cried as steam began to billow from the train. With a jerk, it started to move.

Harry had no time to answer anything as he made a dash for the nearest door, tossing the scrolls in first and fumbling at his back under his shirt as Ron opened the door to let him in. Finally managing to rip out what he'd taped there, he leaned out the window to look at those at the platform.

"Hey, dango-bitch!" Harry cried, tossing the thing in his hand at her with and backhand flick. "Catch!"

Anko's hand snapped forward in the air, managing to catch the bottle of amber liquid by the neck before it hit her face. She blinked in surprise as she recognized the label on the bottle of Firewhiskey.

"Don't drink it all in one go!" Harry said, before waving at Naruto, Sasuke, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Myrtle managed to catch a kiss from him before the train finally rushed out of the station…

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Harry idly examined the three scrolls after making sure to dust off all the sneezing powder that had been coated on them as he sat with Ron, Ginny and Hermione in some compartment near the rear of the train with some guy named Lupin, supposedly the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher.

"What's that?" Hermione asked as she watched him perusing the scrolls.

"Dango-bitch's idea of a reading assignment," Harry said, not really paying attention as he took stock of the material. A scroll that appeared to be about using basic techniques– like _Kawarimi _and _Bunshin no jutsu_– without hand-seals (makes sense, since he'd seen nin use _Kawarimi _without making a gesture, and he'd sometimes done the same with his _Katon_ jutsu); a scroll on chakra control with special emphasis on consciously controlling the unconscious, instinctive enhancing applications of chakra by the body (what the heck was that for?); and a scroll on chakra strings, different from the one he'd read (freaky, since she wasn't supposed to know he'd been reading that one either. Or had she picked up on it during their fight?).

"Can I see?" Hermione asked excitedly.

"Be my guest…" he said, handing them to her. Her face fell as she realized it was in kanji. "…although I could have told you it would be a waste of time."

A bonk of the Baka Bat was his only reply.

"You know, you're liking that thing a little too much," Harry groused as he pouted and rubbed his head where it'd been hit. Hermione just grinned.

Time passed, and as it began to rain some time around the afternoon. Malfoy dropped by for a visit, but he ran off before Harry could inflict any bodily harm when saw Lupin. The rain thickened as they headed farther north, turning the view behind the windows a solid gray so dark that the trains lanterns suddenly came on to provide light.

"We must be nearly there," said Ron as he looked out the window past Lupin. Not that there was anything _to_ see. It was completely black.

The words were hardly out of his mouth when the train suddenly began to slow down.

"Brilliant," Ron said, getting up and going around Lupin to get a better view out the window. "I'm starving, I want to get to the feast…"

"We can't be there yet," Hermione said, checking her kinetic watch. "It's still too early."

"Then why're we stopping?"

The train came to a sudden stop, and distant noises told them that luggage was falling off racks. Harry was barely able to push their trunks back into place in time to keep them from falling on him and Ginny.

Without warning, all the lamps went out.

"What's going on?" said Ron from behind Harry who was fumbling at the base of his dagger so he could pull out his wand. They needed light…

"Ouch!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my foot!"

Harry felt his way back to his seat, finally uncapping the seal and drawing out his wand, feeling thefamiliar cool holly as he snapped the cover back in place. "D'you think we've broken down?" he asked, fumbling the cap secure.

"Dunno…"

There was a squeaking sound, and Harry saw Ron's outline wiping a patch clean on the window and peering out.

"There's something moving out there," Ron said. "I think people are coming aboard…"

"This fumbling around in the dark is getting ridiculous," Harry muttered, finally getting the cap back in place. "_Lum–_"

The compartment door suddenly opened and someone fell painfully over Harry's legs, breaking his train concentration.

"Sorry! D'you know what's going on? Ouch! Sorry-"

"Hello, Neville," Harry said, feeling in the dark and following his senses, pulling Neville up by his cloak.

"Harry! Is that you? What's happening?"

"No idea! Look, I'm trying to light my wand. Sit down-"

"I'm going to go and ask the driver what's going on," Hermione's voice said as Neville tried to sit on Crookshanks, with pained results.

There was a thud and two pained squeals as Harry felt someone fall on his lap, someone who smelled faintly flowery. Ginny had apparently gotten the same idea and not bothered talking about it.

"Who's that?"

"Who's _that_?"

"Ginny?"

"Hermione?"

"Look, would one of you sit down so the other can get to the door?" Harry said as he felt whoever it was that fell on him– it felt like Ginny– trying to stand.

"Ouch!" said Neville as Hermione apparently tried to sit on him.

"Quiet!" a hoarse voice said suddenly.

"So glad you could finally join us, Professor," Harry said dryly as he settled to get comfortable with Ginny on his lap.

There was a soft, crackling sound, and a shivering light filled the compartment. Professor Lupin seemed to be holding a handful of flames.

"Stay where you are," Professor Lupin said before Harry could try casting the _Lumos_ spell for the third time (he finally gave it up as 'not meant to be'), slowly getting to his feet and heading for the door.

The door slid open before Lupin could reach it. Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling, it's face completely hidden under it's hood. A hand protruded from the cloak, glistening and grayish, slimy and scabbed, like a corpse's. it was only for a split second, as the hand withdrew into the folds of the cloak.

Then Harry heard a long, slow, rattling breath being drawn…

And intense cold swept through Harry, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as the cold seemed to penetrate deeper. It was getting under his skin, into his chest, into his _heart_. There was a rushing in his ears and he felt like he was being dragged down, down into darkness…

Somewhere, far, far away, he heard someone screaming…

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_They should have realized something was wrong when they approached the Uchiha compound and didn't see anyone…_

("No…")

_Harry and Naruto had been walking Sasuke home from the Academy, and had been slightly bothered no one was around. Granted, they hadn't exactly been expecting Itachi waiting at the gates…_

("No…!")

_Naruto had been thinking that maybe Itachi onii-san _("NO! NEVER THAT! NEVER AGAIN!")_was dreaming up some kind of prank _("NO!")_ until they bumped into the first body of a dead Uchiha…_

("**NNOOOOOOOO!"**)

Harry was back to that fateful night, trying to drag Sasuke away to get help, maybe a couple of ANBU. The boy was frantic, running home and screaming for his parents. Harry and Naruto followed behind, the dark-haired boy thinking about how Itachi would kill him if anything happened to his brother, while a distant, older part of him was screaming for this to stop, that he didn't want to see…

That part howled in anguish as he saw Sasuke collapse ("NO! NOT AGAIN! SASUKE!") before the blankly staring corpse of his parents…

Usually, the memories of that night were only hazy nightmares to Harry, but now they were all too clear. Itachi stepped out of the gloom, eyes as red as the blood he'd spilled…

"NO!"

Naruto flying into a wall after being backhanded, his skull striking the mortar in a shower of blood that left a smear as he slid down…

"_NO! NARUTO!_"

Sasuke crying out, before suddenly stiffening and convulsing, finally toppling over to lie bleary eyed on the ground, muscles twitching randomly…

"_SASUKE! NO NO NO…!_"

Black and crimson eyes met frightened emerald, still staring disbelievingly, unable to grasp the truth. "'Tachi-kun…"

"**_BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU…!_**"

A step forward. "…w-what… what are y-you doing…?"

Black met in a tri-bladed wheel.

"**_NO! NOT– DON'T…_**"

A low voice, cold, dispassionate, merciless. "_Mangekyou Sharingan:Tsukuyomi._"

"**_NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!_**"

Pain. Merciless, endless pain, unending, unendurable, unceasing… muscles convulsing, mind and heart crying out, still unable to understand… mere hundredths of seconds that had felt like hours…

_Loathe me…_

"**_I will._**"

_Despise me…_

"**_Bet on it_**"

_Live in an unsightly manner…_

"…"

_Live and find power! Become stronger than me! Only then will you gain the power to destroy me…_

"**_I wouldn't have it any other way…_**"

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"Harry! Harry! Are you all right"

Someone was slapping his face…

"I think he's coming to…"

He felt sick. Why was his throat so sore…?

Harry opened his eyes, throwing back his head in a primal scream. The lanterns were lit above him, and the floor was shaking– the train must be moving again. He was lying on the floor, looking up at the concerned faces of Ron, Hermione and Ginny, with Neville and Professor Lupin standing behind him.

He wanted to tell them he was all right, wanted to reassure them. But the instant he opened his eyes, the tears rushed forth, blinding him as he felt his legs curling back up to meet his chest. Someone whimpered, and Harry realized in horror that it was coming from his own throat.

He felt hands reaching down to try and heave him back to his seat, and he instinctively jerked away, batting away their hands with a wild swing of his arm as he curled up deeper on himself.

"Harry," Ron said nervously, "are you okay?"

Harry wanted to answer him. He really did. Yet what came out of his mouth was, "I'll kill you, Itachi. I'll kill you, I swear! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! _I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME! **I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!**_"

Harry couldn't stop screaming as his friends stared at him in mounting horror…

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– **To be continued…**

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A/N: admit it, you people have just been _waiting_ for that to happen, weren't you? And the chap started off so nicely, too.

About the gifts, I get exasperated reading fics where the gifts are so obviously _deus ex machina_. I tried to stick to J.K.'s line where the gifts are cool, occasionally useful, but aren't really mentioned much afterwards. As to Harry's 'pretty head', well, **JuMiKu **once used that line in a message she sent me ("Are you quite right in you pretty little head, Harry?") regarding something she was proofing and I've been dying to use it myself ever since.

Regarding the Kaiba Seto comment, as one author I'm reading has noted (**Cathy-Bloom1**, I believe), most of Seto's enemies are people he's never met (Noah, the fruity pink-haired guy, that girl-looking guy in the DOMA arc…).

The Baka implements partially inspired by the profile and a PM by the very nice reviewer formerly known as **Laura J. Rie**, now known as **BakaHammerGirl**.

I wasn't planning for Mr. Weasley to know about ninja. It just sort of came out during writing. But once it did, I was surprised at how _logical_ it all was. Guess I'll just have to see how it turns out…

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**A.T.E: Anko's Lap Dance**

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Anko opened the door curiously, wondering who could be calling in on her. She wasn't that popular, so who…?

Five sexy women, one carrying a boom box, all wearing miniskirts and halter-tops, smiled seductively at her. "Mitarashi Anko? We're here for your 'home-service lap dance'."

Anko raised an eyebrow. "This is all Uzumaki's fault isn't it?"

The girls all nodded. One held up a can of whipped cream. Another held up a whip.

No one really knows if Anko told them to get lost…

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**A.T.E: Business as Usual With The ANBU**

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Everyone, ANBU and still-living prisoners alike, stared at the bushes shaking _way_ on the other side of the clearing. The male nin- ANBU and prisoner alike- shifted uncomfortably as if their pants were too tight, while the kunoichi- ANBU and prisoner alike- gave them disapproving looks and muttered about how things like this smeared the good names of kunoichi everywhere. Moans drifted on the wind, punctuated by lusty, high-pitched cries asking for surrender.

"They weren't kidding when they told be the best people to be caught by were Miroku kunoichi," one of the prisoners muttered, squirming not-quite-uncomfortably.

"QUIET!" several male ANBU barked, feeling almost but not quite queasy.

Finally, there were several loud groans of surrender. A few minutes later, a lone kunoichi wearing a ridiculously short and tattered skirt, too-tight tattered top, and a pink ribbon in her hair appeared, dragging four bodies- two shinobi and two kunoichi- behind her with long strides of her moisture-smeared legs.

"Oh kami, she managed to defeat Wood Tentacles Yusuke," one of the prisoners breathed, seeing the fallen body of their most powerful member, the normally stiff tentacles on his back limp and flaccid.

Miko, head of the ANBU Seduction Corp, casually dropped the bodies she was dragging as she surveyed the prisoners, idly licking her wet fingers. "The men are dead," she said, wiping white smears from her cheeks. "Heart attack. They put up a good fight, though. The kunoichi are broken, so get any info you can from them then dispose of them."

"What about the prioners, Mido-san?" one of the ANBU asked.

She looked down at the prisoners and smiled. "I'll... _take care_... of them... _personally_."

The prisoners whimpered, not exactly in fear. Some ANBU seriously considered going missing nin just to get... _caught_...

The various kunoichi groaned and wondered when seduction stopped being subterfuge and started being a battle technique.

----------------------------------------

**END**

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Way out there, but for some reason, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Just to be clear, she's here as a joke. Harry, or anyone else, is _not_ meeting her and are _not_ learning any of her 'special techniques'.

Well... maybe Hinata... and I wonder how Orochimaru would use her _jutsu_...

Please review, C&C welcome. I have a deviant art account– my name there is **shadow-crystal-mage** too, so just add in dot deviantart dot com– where you can leave comments about my fanart for this and my other series. Check it out, as I will put in new art whenever I get around to it– kind of like my fics!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	13. Black Days Ahead

A/N: Dark Harry? Really, he used the Unforgivables on Quirell in his first year and owns a Dark Arts book his brother bought him. A little late for you guys to be worrying about that…

That said, prepare for a chapter even darker than the movie. Be forewarned, this series is probably going to hold a bizarre mix of dark and humor. Not "_dark humor"_, '_dark **and** humor_'…

On a disturbing note, a look into how Harry and Snape interact now…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 13: Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 2! Black Days Ahead!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not a wand, not a _kunai._ I'm also not making money off this. Quite the opposite, really.

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Harry wouldn't stop shaking even as they finally managed to get him to a seat. He'd stopped screaming after a while– a _long_ while– but not before he'd switched from English to Japanese, going through every curse he knew. He rebuffed any offers to talk, even from Hermione and Ginny, who refrained from hitting him with their new bats. It seemed inappropriate, somehow. He just stared ahead, his eyes unnaturally bright and refusing the offer of chocolate.

Thus, he completely missed Lupin frowning at his _hitai-ate_.

Harry completely ignored the rain, stalking through the freezing sheets of water as they stopped at Hogsmeade station. He his silence was unbroken as he followed Ron, Ginny and Hermione out onto a rough mud track. The stagecoaches pulled by the strange creatures waited for them, just like last year.

His three companions were getting nervous by now. Harry had _never_ stayed silent this long. By Hermione's personal estimate, he should have called her _koneko-chan_ at least five times already, and given her fifteen excuses to hit him. Yet he hadn't, just stayed perfectly silent, hands clenching and unclenching so hard, veins were visible.

Hermione was rationalizing that Harry had lost his voice from all that screaming– it _was_ logical– when it happened.

"You _fainted_ Potter? Is Longbottom telling the truth? You actually _fai_–" CRACK!

THUD!

The 'crack, thud' was Harry's fist snapping at Malfoy's jaw with a perfect right hook, causing the blond boy to spin around almost three times before falling down and hitting his head on the stone stairs. Malfoy stared groggily up at the sky, as if he couldn't understand what had happened. Crabbe and Goyle stared down at him stupidly, before turning to look at Harry.

The boy looked like had hadn't moved at all, looking down at Malfoy dispassionately. "Oops," he said, before turning his half-lidded eyes towards the two hulking masses.

Before anyone could say anything, however, Lupin's mild voice said, "Is there a problem?"

"Malfoy seems to have slipped and hit his head, Professor," Harry said, almost as mildly, a small, almost disturbing smile on his lips. He looked at Crabbe and Goyle. "You two had better help him up, or he'll miss the feast."

Gulping, the two picked up Malfoy and awkwardly supported him between themselves, stumbling up the stairs. That small smile still in place, Harry followed after them.

Harry had almost reached the great hall when Professor McGonagall suddenly called for him and Hermione and told them to follow her to her office. As soon as they were seated, she said, "Professor Lupin sent an owl ahead to say you were taken ill on the train, Potter."

Hermione shifted at the word ill– it wasn't exactly the best way to describe how he'd been cursing someone at the top of his lungs with death, torture, castration and slow incineration after coming out of a faint– but before either of them could speak, there was a knock on the door and Madam Pomfrey bustled in.

"All right, which of them is it?" she said, eyeing them both as if looking for injuries.

Harry said nothing.

"It was Potter, Poppy," Professor McGonagall said. "Apparently, a Dementor did it."

The two exchanged a dark look. Harry just continued sitting there, staring at something only he could see. Hermione found it quite disturbing. He didn't say a word as he was examined, Madam Pomfrey muttering about Dementors the whole while.

"Well, what does he need?" McGonagall asked. "Bed rest? Should he spend a night at the hospital wing?"

"Well, he should have some chocolate, at the very least," Madam Pomfrey said.

"Professor Lupin offered us some," Hermione said. "But Harry didn't eat any."

"I didn't feel like chocolate," Harry said, all the three women's hairs tried to stand on end. His voice was mild, but that was exactly what made it chilling. Harry was _never_ mild.

"Well," Madam Pomfrey said, reaching into her pocket. "Have some now. That's an order."

Harry acquiesced easily, taking the offered chocolate and eating it. He went out to the hall to wait on Professor McGonagall's orders.

"That was creepy," Hermione said. The other two women nodded in agreement.

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Harry was a bit dead to the world during the feast, sitting there with his chin in his hands and idly toying with a knife that Hermione wasn't able to get out of his range fast enough. Neville, Ron and Ginny all looked at him warily, as if afraid he'd start screaming again, the latter gripping her bat, unsure whether she should use it or not. He'd just smiled blankly when they greeted Hagrid over his appointment, his hands noticeably empty of the bag of books he gave the teachers every year.

He stayed like that until they finally got to Gryffindor Tower and went to sleep.

Halfway through the night, the entire tower was shaken awake by screams from the third-year dormitory.

Everyone had come rushing, expecting to find anything from dragons to Sirius Black, but all that was there was a room of shaken wizards and a hyperventilating ninja who had a death-grip on a _kunai_ and was trying to suppress tears as he twitched and shook. He flinched every time someone tried to touch him, almost cutting Fred when he became particularly forceful.

Everyone was relieved when Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore arrived on the scene in their nightclothes. While the Transfiguration Professor cajoled most of them back to bed, Dumbledore had the other boys leave the dormitory to sleep somewhere else. Dean, Seamus and Neville were glad to do so, bunking with friends from other years, but Ron, Hermione and Ginny insisted on staying to see if there was anything they could do. Dumbledore let them stay since Harry made no reaction besides shaking some more.

"Harry," Dumbledore said as he sat at the foot of Harry's four-poster, looking like a ghost of Christmas past with his long nightgown and beard, "can you tell us what is the matter."

Harry visibly took several shaky breaths as he gathered himself. Ginny, sitting behind him, hesitantly put her arms around him, and he collapsed against her gratefully. Thankfully, Ron reacted by merely letting his eyebrow twitch, his concern for his friend overriding any fears of shenanigans– like Harry was capable of any right then. Hermione settled for reaching out and holding his hand.

"Post traumatic stress," Harry finally managed to let out as he opened his eyes to meet Dumbledore's. The _kunai_ magically seemed to disappear. "I've… had certain things happen to me that have been less than pleasant."

Hermione looked concerned at that, wondering what he meant by 'less than pleasant', considering all the things that have happened to him at Hogwarts.

"I'd rather not talk about it," Harry said tiredly. "It's… painful."

Dumbledore and the rest frowned at that tacit dismissal of the subject. None of them wanted Harry to be like this, but if he didn't want to talk about it… the Headmaster resolved to let his friends handle this. From what he'd been able to gather, they were not the kind to let this be, Miss Granger most especially, and they would have better luck than him. Still… Dumbledore remembered people who acted similar to Harry during the war– against Grindelwald _and_ Voldemort– all affected by what Muggles had dubbed 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' or 'shell-shock'…

"If that is what you wish, Harry, " Dumbledore said, rising from the bed. "I do have one question, however, and I want you to answer me honestly. In these… less than pleasant happenings… did anyone die?"

The three looked at him, shocked at the question, but his eyes were fixed on Harry.

The boy nodded. "Yes," he said hoarsely.

Despite himself, Dumbledore couldn't help but admire Harry's show of strength, even if it didn't seem much good. It was to be expected of a shinobi of Konoha…

Nodding, Dumbledore moved towards the door to leave, intending to send an owl, but before he had gotten far, Harry said. "Professor?"

He paused and turned.

"I'd… appreciate it if none of this reached my brothers," Harry said, licking his lips and suddenly looking less strong than before. "It would just make them worry, and Myrtle has enough on her hands taking care of them without them flipping out."

Dumbledore pursed his lips and nodded. Most likely, Sarutobi would be the one to make the ultimate decision, but he would send Harry's wishes along…

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Harry looked more or less normal come morning, despite having gotten up an hour earlier than usual for his run over the lake. The only signs of his lack of sleep was a slight droopiness in his eyes, as if they still wanted to creep close. In the Great Hall, Malfoy was entertaining a bunch of Slytherins with a ridiculous impression of a swooning fit. Hermione, always concerned, glanced at Harry as if afraid he'd get violent, but he didn't even seem to see, striding along with that too smooth face Hermione was starting to hate. She wanted her old friend back…

"Hey, Potter!" Malfoy yelled, and Hermione was slightly gladdened to see he still had a small bandage on his jaw from last night. "Potter! The Dementors are coming, Potter! _Woooooooo!_"

Harry stopped, then slowly turned around, his gaze fixing itself on Malfoy. He reached into his belt pouch, and Malfoy and the other Slytherins tensed, then relaxed as they saw it was only a book. They brightened when they recognized the book, though, noticing the big number 3 on it. Casually, Harry strode across the hall, pushing the book into Malfoy's hands. "Icha Icha book 3," he said, smiling in that scary, dead way. "Enjoy."

He turned and walked away as Malfoy gaped at the book in his hands, while the other Houses, especially Gryffindor, began muttering mutinously. Malfoy was just about to open it when there was a hissing sound, and the book suddenly exploded in a burst of paper, some fragments smoldering in the air. Malfoy himself was knocked back, smearing butter on his robes as he fell.

There was dead silence as everyone turned to look at Harry, who was still smiling. "Oops," he said. "And that was Slytherin's only copy, too. Guess you snakes will have to wait 'til next year to find out how it goes… and it's all thanks to Malfoy's comedy skills."

Malfoy paled even more at the murderous glares his Housemates directed his way.

Thankfully for Harry, there were no teachers at the Hall yet. He went up to their seats, leaving behind books and notes, the Icha Icha he hadn't been able to give them last night. Afterwards, he and his friends headed for Divination…

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Severus Snape, consistently and unanimously voted most hated teacher at Hogwarts for all his tenure there (the voting collection was done by the Hufflepuff Statistics Club, in conjunction with the Ravenclaw Betting Rings), twitched as he tried to glare a hole through the card he'd found with his copy of Icha Icha 3. All the teacher's had found theirs, along with an accompanying note asking for their opinion, but only Snape had found a card…

Finally giving in to the unrelenting gaze of his associates, Snape folded the note and stiffly handed it to he curious headmaster, before savagely attacking his breakfast.

Professor McGonagall nonchalantly tried to read over Dumbledore's shoulder as some other teacher's stood up, not trying to be discrete. She got halfway through before the entire staff descended to chuckling, giggling, snickering and laughing outright.

"Well," Dumbledore said over the sounds of amusement as the remaining students looked at them curiously, wondering what was going on. "You cannot say you are unappreciated, Severus. Mr. Potter seems to think you are," he made a show of checking the card, "the 'best, warmest, nicest, most lovable teacher in Hogwarts, whom he missed very much during his hell of a summer'."

Snape twitched again, savagely spearing an innocent link of sausage. Trust a _Potter_ to ruin his winning streak…

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At Divination class, Harry had slowly descended back to normalcy. He looked curiously around the room, making casual comments as to it's resemblance to a pot house and murmuring "wrong hair color" when Trelawney had warned Parvati about red-heads. That comment had earned him an instinctive thwack on the head from Hermione, much to her surprise, and he'd responded with his first real grin in what felt like ages.

By the time he finished interpreting Ron's teacup, he was almost normal– for _him_, anyway.

"– so obviously, the wonky cross-like penis is an indicator of your future sexual prowess, while the sun, meaning 'great happiness', means you will obviously get laid a lot and make a lot of women happy," Harry said with a perfectly straight face, as if he wasn't aware that his voice carried. Over in the next table, Neville was blushing hard, while Hermione was repeatedly banging her head against the tabletop, muttering about not bringing her bat. Parvati was now looking at Ron speculatively…

"Feeling better, are you," Ron muttered, very red and hunched down in his seat, trying to avoid notice. "My turn… there's a blob that looks like a bowler hat… or an acorn… maybe a pair of women's underwear?" he said, looking at Harry, as if showing him he could do the 'perverted-interpretations' thing too. Harry just smiled lazily, this time in that 'go ahead, give it your best shot, I dare you' way of his.

That was when Trelawney swooped in.

When she mentioned the deadly enemy, Harry had stiffened, and his fist had tightened. At the club, he'd straightened, alarmed. When she mentioned the skull and danger, however, he looked confused. At the dramatic revelation of the Grim, however…

"Whose?" he demanded. "Who dies?"

"You, my dear," Trelawney said tragically, looking at him with sad eyes. "It is an omen of your death."

"Oh, is that all?" Harry said, sounding annoyed, while everyone looked at him in shock. "So it all just builds up to an attack on me resulting in my death? Does it say when?"

"Um, no," Trelawney said, sounding confused herself as she forgot to be dramatic.

Harry frowned. "Then what good is it? Everyone dies. I need the where, when, who, how and whether I kill the guy before I do. What a rip… "

Everyone stared at him like he was crazy.

"I… think we will leave the lesson here today…" Trelawney said.

Hermione was disappointed to see that all the talk of death had caused Harry to regress back slightly, and if he wasn't exactly as creepy as before, he was certainly depressed. She was hopeful, however, so hopeful that she took a detour to Gryffindor tower between classes and time-trips to get her bat. She wanted to be able to use it soon…

----------------------------------------

Happy was laughing his head off, practically bouncing as he slid off Buckbeak's back. "That was AWESOME!" he cried amidst cheers, all gloom seemingly forgotten. He looked at Hagrid with starry eyes. "Where can I get my own Hippogriff? What do they eat? Do I need some kind of license?"

Harry bugged Hagrid all through the lesson about how he could get his own Hippogriff, until Hermione finally put her bat to use, bonked him one, and dragged him away (Hagrid supposedly later asked where he could get one of his own). When Harry started pouting and calling her _Koneko-chan_, Hermione knew he was back to normal, so Ron had to spend some time pulling her back from using her bat to crush Harry's skull while the Hippogriff they were working with watched on, clearly amused. There were some minor accidents as Hippogriffs and students laughed at the sight.

Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle had taken over Buckbeak, having done the bowing thing. The blond Slytherin was disdainfully patting the Hippogriff's nose while the beast did the horse-bird equivalent of snickering at the floorshow.

"This is pretty easy," Malfoy drawled. "I knew it must have been, if Potty-head could do it… I bet you're not dangerous at all are you?"

Harry, who could hear this perfectly well, just rolled his eyes at Malfoy's stupidity. Honestly, the animals were smart enough to know to laugh at him, which meant they must be borderline sentient, plus they were obviously predators, if the giant talons and ripping beak wasn't a clue. What he heard next chilled his blood and put him on alert, though.

"Are you, you ugly great brute?"

He was moving and cursing Malfoy at 'ug'.

Later, not even Harry could claim to see everything that happened. He remembered panic coursing through him as he pushed Malfoy out of the way, followed by searing pain as several lines of blood were carved on to his back. There was the sound of bone striking steel as some of the talons were deflected by the _fuuma shuriken_ he carried under his robes in their harnesses, the snapping of leather as others were caught and flung off his back, jerking him to the side as one refused to break…

The next minute, he was facedown on the ground, fire burning on his back. He could sense Malfoy somewhere in front of him, could hear Hagrid wrestling with Buckbeack from behind. His clothes felt sticky against his skin, and he recognized the feeling of blood.

"HARRY! Oh, go– HARRY! Hagrid, hurry! Harry's dying!"

"I'm not dying, Hermione," Harry tried to say, although it came out a bit breathlessly. He thought he'd left this with dango-bitch…?

When Harry regained awareness, he was being levitated to the hospital wing, still on facedown and getting a good view of the floor stones as they sped past. He could see Hermione with her wand out, obviously keeping him afloat. Turning his head to the side showed Ron holding the broken pieces of his _shuriken_ harness, gingerly handling the bloodstained blades…

"– lucky he didn't sever his spine, a little deeper and he might have lost involuntary muscle control and died when his heart stopped…"

"That bad, huh?" Harry managed, his throat dry, and the voice suddenly stopped. He tried to push himself up, but the pain on his back stopped him even before the hands pushing him down did. "I think I'll lie here a while," he said, turning his head the other way to avoid getting a crick in it and seeing Madam Pomfrey, Professors McGonagall, Dumbledore and Snape (holding a tray of potions), as well as Hagrid swim into view. "Why the faces? Did someone die?"

Madam Pomfrey shook herself at the casual question. "_You_ almost did, Potter," she said curtly as she strode up to him, taking his face in hand and shining a light into his eyes, then doing a couple of other medical-ly things that vaguely resembled some of the things Harry remembered from his hospital stays. "You have multiple deep lacerations on your back, several striking against your ribs and a few almost into your spine, as well as some shallower cuts caused by those barbaric things you apparently carry around on your back!"

Harry blinked. "I almost died? (BLEEP), that would have been a rotten way to go. Dying to save Malfoy," Harry shuddered. "Saving one of the Slytherin girls is almost all right, but _Malfoy_? **_UGH!_** It sounds almost…_gay_, dying for that little _uke._ Um, what are you all looking at?"

They were staring at him again. "Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Madam Pomfrey said, looking at him incredulously. "That you regret possibly dying in saving Mister Malfoy?"

Harry shook his head as well as he could. "Nope, no regrets. I did it, didn't I? Besides," he looked beyond what he could see nostalgically, "everyone has to die some day. It would have been a rotten way to go, though…"

Harry's eyes drooped close and he drifted back into unconsciousness…

----------------------------------------

"That boy," McGonagall said, "is insane. That said, I wish more of my students were like him."

She doubted there were enough House Points in the hourglasses to properly value Harry's deed, but fifty was the best they could do for the moment. Snape had tried to find a reason for getting some points docked from him (he was still _very_ sore Harry had ruined his winning streak), but had absolutely nothing to go on. Even the Slytherins agreed that Malfoy had made the fatal mistake of insulting the Hippogriff, although they tried to downplay Harry's involvement and emphasize the danger Malfoy had been in, an effort that backfired when there was no way around the fact that Harry had taken all that danger for himself.

Most of the staff nodded in agreement, although Snape had briefly looked very sick at the idea of more of Gryffindor– or possibly the school!– being like Potter. Trelawney was strangely looking ecstatic for some reason. Apparently, her death-omen for Potter had come true sooner than she anticipated, and she was cashing in on it.

It was decided that Potter stay in the hospital wing for a few days so that his back would fully recover, while the decision as to what they'd announce to the students was worked out (although considering the efficiency of the rumor mill, nothing they could say could possibly top what was already circulating).

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Hermione was chewing over what she'd seen. Despite how proud she'd been of what Harry had done (even if it _was _just Malfoy), she could help but think of a little detail everyone else seemed to have missed.

Harry had been almost fifteen feet away from Malfoy when he'd insulted Buckbeak. How did he manage to move so fast… ?

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When Harry stepped into the Potions Classroom on Thursday after being released from the Hospital Wing, there was a round of applause from the Gryffindors and some Slytherins. Harry grinned, waved like a Miss Universe contestant, and bowed. He had to be careful since his back was still a little tender, though.

"Ten point from Gryffindor for your show boating, Potter," Snape said as he strode into the classroom and got ready to torture the class…

He paused suddenly as he saw Harry looking at him with wide doe eyes, tears glistening at the corners as a wide goofy smile broke over his face. You could almost _see_ the spectacular sunset and waves crashing against the rocks behind him, leaving behind a beautiful mist…

"PROFESSOR SNAPE!" Harry cried joyfully– royally freaking out Snape and everyone else in the classroom– as he launched himself at the professor, glomping him around the waist. "Oh, professor, I missed you so much! All this summer, I thought of you. I never want to leave you again! You are, without a doubt, a sweet, patient, impartial, kind teacher! **_TEACH ME!_**"

Through all this, Snape was pushing, pulling, prying poking, prodding, and doing all but using his wand to get Harry off of him. The Potions Master was audibly growling, his face twisted into a perfect snarl and marred only by the twitch in his right eyebrow. Needless to say, the onlooking students were all enjoying this, save for Hermione, who was positively scandalized.

One suicidal soul in the back asked, "Um, sir, is there something between you and Potter?"

Snape looked up, face positively demonic, and someone whimpered. "TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR SLANDERING A TEACHER!"

No bothered to see if he had the right house.

Snape was _this_ close to cursing Harry off him when a bat rather forcefully made contact with Harry's skull. It took three more hits before Harry finally let go, rubbing his wounded head. Before he could say anything, however, Hermione hit him again (for good measure) before grabbing him by his ear and, ignoring his loud protests, dragging him to sit between her and Ron, muttering about insane Potters the whole way, the bat resting on her shoulder as a reminder.

Snape, who had gone as far away as possible and still be at the front of the class as soon as Harry had let go, muttered something under his breath– upstairs, a single point dropped into the Gryffindor hourglass– quelled the class with a look and began to teach…

Throughout the lesson, Snape was so unnerved that he was barely able pick on Neville, who managed a decent Shrinking Solution, allowing Harry and Ron to talk about Black despite Malfoy constantly horning in. Harry was strangely accommodating of Malfoy, which meant he waited a while before threatening to castrate him for saying he was trying to use the attack on him (never mind that it was Harry who got injured) to try and get Hagrid fired.

"Stay, Granger," Snape said as the class ended, glaring at stranglers to get them moving. Hermione signaled Harry and Ron to go on without her, and although the redhead frowned, Harry just dragged him along. When the two of them were alone, Snape strode towards Hermione, who was greatly reminded of a hentai she liked to watch…

"Where can I get one of those bats?"

----------------------------------------

"Can someone explain this?" a random Slytherin asked, pointing to the pile of books in the middle of the Slytherin common room table. There were five of them, recognizably Icha Icha. Everyone circled them warily, afraid of another bomb.

Finally, one brave soul (not related to the suicidal soul) gingerly reached forward, plucking the note on top of the books. After a while of it not exploding, he carefully opened it and read. "Hmph," he said, sounding surprised.

It read, quite simply, _Apologies to Malfoy. The next Mudblood comment **still** gets him a broken jaw, though._

Everyone blinked, looking at each other, then at the blond. What the heck was going on?

Then everyone paused as they realized what this meant. What _exactly_ this meant. It meant…

"**_WE HAVE ICHA ICHA!"_** they all yelled. And lo, there was much rejoicing and merry making. And all thanks to…

"MALFOY!" they all cried, and before he knew it, he was being glomped at all sides.

No one really bothered to follow up on why _Harry Potter _would send _Malfoy_ Icha Icha…

----------------------------------------

"Explain to me again why you did that?" Ron asked as they watched the Slytherin table practically having a party, several groups of people huddled around little orange books.

Harry shrugged. "Well, I sort of felt guilty for slugging Malfoy like that before the feast. He deserved _something_ but it wasn't that. I could have broken his neck on the stairs."

"And so in apology, you save his life from a hippogriff and give his house a bunch of books you've been depriving him of without telling them why?" Hermione asked dryly.

"Actually, the hippogriff thing was sort of spur of the moment," Harry said thoughtfully. "Gryffindor instincts and all that?"

"For a Slytherin? For _Malfoy?_" was the incredulous response.

Harry shrugged. "No number of 'points' is worth a human life. Not even Malfoy's…"

----------------------------------------

The return of the heroics and crazy behavior marked Harry's return to normal. At lunch alone, Hermione was spotted no less than seven times chasing him around with her bat, and at least three times with something heavier (like her book bag). Girls suddenly found Harry flirting with them like it was first year again, and they'd hadn't already heard all his lines. Surprisingly, they still blushed like first-years.

When Hermione wasn't looking, Harry cheerfully drew up a training schedule for himself so he could get around to the scrolls, since all he'd been doing in the mornings was working off nightmare-energy. After some thought, he also decided to seriously start reading the book Naruto had gotten him last year. Although he'd skimmed it from time to time, admiring the nastiness of it's spells, he hadn't really tried to learn any yet, as the basics still hadn't been covered at school. Now that he was reminded of a certain non-red-haired weasel, he figured it was time to give it more serious analysis…

----------------------------------------

"Good afternoon," Lupin said as he greeted the class. "Would you please put away all your books back in your bags. Today's will be a practical lesson. You will only need your wands."

Everyone exchanged curious looks at that. Harry raised his hand.

"Um, sir, don't take this the wrong way, but… this wouldn't happen to involve pixies, would it?" he asked.

As one, the class shuddered in remembrance.

Lupin blinked. "Um, no, this will not involve pixies in any way, shape or form. Why do you ask?"

"Lockhart," the whole class chorused dully.

Hermione began explaining the traumatizing event as Harry discreetly began to take stock of their latest sacrificial vic- er, DADA teacher. He was feeling pretty good about him, considering how the train incident– as he had so sanitarily labeled it in his mind– had shown he was a lot more competent than the last two idiots. He hoped that was the rule and not an exception…

Lupin was leading them along a deserted corridor and around a corner when they spotted Peeves, floating upside-down and stuffing Filch's broom closet with bubblegum. The poltergeist saw Lupin and was bursting into song when–

Cough. "Peeves, scoot," Harry said, grinning at the poltergeist in a way that promised pain. "Oh, and here," he said, handing him a vial of powder. "I think Filch has an itch that's going to need that." A glare. "Now, shoo!"

Peeves, who had been smiling widely in an evil way at the gift, eeped and disappeared, leaving a cartoony cloud of dust behind.

Lupin raised an eyebrow as he looked at Harry appraisingly. The rest of the class looked curious too. "Just what did you do to him to scare him like that?"

Harry winked. "That's _my_ little secret."

When they reached their destination (the staff room), they found Snape hard at work, apparently tightly taping together one end of an enormous sheet of paper folded alternately several times. It gave the appearance of a huge closed fan. Flicking it experimentally, Snape gave a satisfied nod.

"Are we interrupting, Severus?" Lupin asked as the class trooped in.

"I was just leaving," Snape said, striding past the class with his paper whatever over one shoulder and very much ignoring Harry's wide smile. Unless one was looking for it, no one would notice how he kept at least two people between him and Harry at all times.

After Snape's warning about Neville, Lupin got them ready to face the boggart. While waiting her turn, Hermione thought of how well Harry had recovered from the incident with the Dementors. She always knew that schoolwork was the best medicine!

Which goes to show Hermione's never read Reader's Digest.

Then things went horribly wrong…

Ron's spider had lost it's legs, falling over and rolling in front of Lavender, who squeaked and kicked it in front of Harry…

"Here!" Lupin cried, running forward.

_CRACK!_

The boggart became a silvery orb. Lazily, Lupin waved his wand…

_CRACK!_

And Harry stepped forward.

He was wearing his 'do-your-worst' grin as he strove confidently towards the cockroach the boggart had turned into at Lupin's spell, his wand raised and ready…

_CRACK!_

Hermione knew something was wrong as people in front began to scream. It was only when her eyes caught up with the rest of her senses that she realized why, and fought the sudden urge to vomit. Others weren't so capable, as the air suddenly filled with the sounds of people retching and the smell of breakfast being reexamined.

Lying on the ground before Harry was a young boy. Hermione barely recognized him as Naruto. He was on his back, badly beaten, his right leg bent at an unnatural angle. One hand was barely more than a mangled lump, every bone broken and stomped on. His eyes were slashed, bloody hollows staring sightlessly at the ceiling, and his hair was almost crimson with blood. The body twitched, and blood gurgles out of his mouth. "Oni-chan…"

_CRACK!_

Sasuke lay there now, looking barely seven. A sword anchored him to the floor, and every square inch of his body seemed to have been stabbed, even as flames– black flames– consumed him. "Oni-chan!" he cried in agony…

_CRACK!_

A thin, old man lay on the floor, his white robes stained with blood from the cut across his throat, a red and white headdress lying next to him. "Harry…"

Everyone watched in horror as the macabre parade continued. Hagrid, one arm chewed off, covered in burns, his whole body torn, muscle and bone poking out through mangled flesh… _CRACK!_… the old man Hermione recognized as Jiraiya, riddled with knives, his hands torn off, blood gushing from between his legs… _CRACK!_… a little girl with soft blue hair, blood dripping from the corner of her mouth as her white eyes stared lifelessly upwards… _CRACK!_… Ron, jaw dislocated, neck broken… _CRACK!_… a pretty young woman with long brown hair, her clothes torn, leaving her nearly naked, her throat cut… _CRACK!_… Ginny, lying still, a diary in her hands… _CRACK!_… Hermione–

Hermione tore her gaze away as she saw her face through a layer of blood, not wanting to see other details. She stared as Harry. His eyes were wide and panicked, pupils dilated as his jaw clenched tightly, the muscles standing out through the skin. His wand trembled in his hands as a whimper rose from his throat. Tears leaked down his cheeks…

"_Riddikulus!_" he screamed, his voice high with hysteria…

_CRACK!_

Another body lay on the stone floor, wearing an unusual chest plate. It had long, almost feminine black hair, a band with a metal plate similar to Harry's on his brow underneath, two strange wrinkles on his face. His expression was one of greatest pain, his stomach torn, body burned, crushed, stabbed, broken…

The person screamed in purest agony, and everyone covered their ears. It was soul wrenching and heart breaking, a melody from a nightmare…

Harry threw back his head and laughed, and Hermione knew both sounds would forever haunt her dreams…

----------------------------------------

"He laughed at the person in pain?" Dumbledore said disbelievingly. Professor McGonagall couldn't seem to believe it either, looking at her coworker in amazement.

Lupin nodded, frowning in consternation. "The spell was supposed to make the boggart turn into a funny version of what they feared, although in some cases, like mine, it makes it change into something else entirely. Harry's fear apparently involves… people either dead or dying. When he used it on the boggart, it changed into a person dying in extreme pain. And yet, Harry somehow found it in himself to _laugh_ at this. Headmaster, I will not lie. I find this very disturbing. What _happened_ to him?"

Dumbledore paused thoughtfully. "I've contacted the Hokage of Konoha regarding what happened on the train, hoping he would be able to explain. What he sent back was… fairly disturbing. Apparently, when Harry was younger, he and his two adopted brothers were present when a powerful shinobi killed his entire clan."

"WHAT?" Lupin and McGonagall exclaimed, almost leaving their seats in shock.

"According to what Sarutobi told me," Dumbledore continue, "The event was known as the Uchiha Massacre…"

----------------------------------------

"I've been hanging around this place a lot lately," Harry noted listlessly as he stared up at the ceiling of the hospital wing. "Twice in two days, and the year's barely started."

After his… _breakdown_, for lack of a better term, Harry had needed to be Stunned, since he'd apparently gone out of control, kicking the boggart and casting _Riddikulus_ to change it back to Itac- _That (**BLEEP**) (**BLEEP**) (**BLEEP**)_- as needed. He was lucky he hadn't slipped up and used an Unforgivable or breathed fire…

Ron, Hermione and Ginny looked at each other, not sure what to say to that. Harry had been blabbering ever since he regained consciousness. Considering that he'd woken up screaming Naruto and Sasuke's names, they didn't know whether that was an improvement or not.

"I almost prefer the pixies," he continued. "At least _those_ you could beat the (BLEEP) out of."

Even his swearing was monotonous and lackluster.

Two days of recovery, and he was back to square one…

----------------------------------------

News of Harry's breakdown spread through the school like wildfire. If it wasn't what everyone talked about, it came pretty close. People speculated as to the reasons, as well as to the identity of the boggart's last incarnation. When people tried to ask Harry, they received what was essentially a curt 'no', once you managed to censor out all the profanity. Even Hermione, Ginny and Ron were not spared from this response, although they were spared most of the swearing.

Because of this lack of information, wild theories abound. Some said he was someone who Harry had developed a vendetta against because he kept beating Harry to the last of the food in Harry's old school. Others theorized that he was a teacher from Harry's old school. Still others speculated that he was an older brother despite Hermione pointing out that he only had two younger brothers and that the man had looked nothing like Harry.

So close, yet so far…

It was even suggested he was an old boyfriend who'd jilted Harry in the past. The perpetrator of this rumor was later found tied to the Whomping Willow, covered in a strange oil and a full body rash. Try as they might, no one could tell who had done it, although there was no lack of suspects. But there was no evidence linking Harry to it, and he had an alibi. Still, after that, no one mentioned the ex-lover theory again.

There were those (read: Slytherins) who tried to use the incident against him, but that was curtailed when he grabbed their nearest copy of Icha Icha and literally tore to shreds with his bare hands before their very eyes. After that, only Malfoy and whoever happened to be in his stupidity inducing field at the time made any attempts. The pureblood began to be intimately aware of how many ways there are to inflict pain merely by grasping the wrist.

On the plus side, the incident protected Neville, whose boggart-Snape story thankfully never spread from the class. Just what Snape would do if the story of him– or something that looked like him– being stuffed in a dress, old lady's hat and handbag, no one wanted to know…

As for Harry, he drowned his free hours in activity, trying to forget again. He devoured Anko's scrolls with a vengeance, integrating the new information on Chakra Strings, as well as the more esoteric scrolls. While he knew he could jump really high if he concentrated, and vaguely recognized that as the result of chakra use, he'd never really thought about it. According to the scroll, with the right control and concentration, he could pull off such bursts of power from any part of his body.

An unaffected perverted part of his head thought if that actually meant _every_ part before being subsumed by the angst…

The scroll about doing basic _jutsus_ without seals was a lot harder than he thought. Even though he could do his fire _jutsu_ practically in his sleep, he still needed to make at least one seal for him to be able to concentrate. Yet given the use of, say, _kawarimi_, such a seal would be tipping the enemy off to your intentions…

The Dark Arts book he'd gotten for Christmas finally saw more use as Harry began to eagerly perusing it's pages, visions of the things inside being used on red-eyed weasels. The spells and potions in it were nasty pieces of work, making Harry glad that no ninja– well, except him– could do them. There was just one problem…

They were all _way_ out of his league. He knew enough to be able to recognize _that_ at least. All the potion's ingredients were rare, esoteric, and at best illegal, at worst immoral. The spells were complicated affairs, and while he suspected Hermione _might_– just might– be able to make them out properly, he knew _he_ would need a little bit longer to understand them. At least they didn't require knowledge of Ancient Runes or Arithmancy, or anything…

----------------------------------------

Time passed in a blur for Harry, who'd buried himself into his studies of the scrolls and his own attempts to try and decipher the simpler spells in the Dark Arts book. He'd found something like the jinx that Quirell had used on him in first year and had focused primarily on that, reading by the light of his Hand Of Glory in whatever room of the castle or whichever tree branch of the Forest he'd find himself at the time. He could tell his friends were worried about him, but they left him alone– for which he was grateful– except for the occasional bout where Hermione would try and get him to talk– for which he was not. Still, those were rare and short, since her considerable workload required a lot of time.

When Quidditch season arrived, he was surprised to find himself annoyed at what was once his favorite sport at Hogwarts (short of Slytherin baiting and flirting, that is) for taking up his time. Nevertheless, after the first few times back on his broom, he began to enjoy it again as the wind let him clear his head and just relax (or as much as one can relax when you have to dodge Bludgers and find the Snitch).

Between obsessively training, trying the decipher Dark Arts, and Quidditch practice, something was bound to happen…

Harry returned to the school after a particularly grueling morning session for a late breakfast to find the Great Hall nearly deserted, with only a few older students here and there. He frowned curiously as he ate, wondering where everyone else was. Passing by the bulleting board on the way to the dorms to get his Grimoire, he found out why. Everyone, apparently, had gone to Hogsmeade for the first weekend. Briefly wondering whether he should be disappointed and whether he should just try to catch up, Harry shrugged. Well, it left him more time to study the book without interference…

"Fortuna Major," he told the Fat Lady listlessly as she woke up, and he entered the common room, which was a lot less crowded than usual, full of first- and second-years a couple of older student's who apparently didn't want to go. Ignoring Colin, who he usually found time to humor, Harry turned to go back out, not wanting to have to sneak his Dark objects out through so many people. He _could_, but it was too much stress for him to have to deal with.

Also ignoring the Fat Lady's grumping, Harry wandered dispiritedly towards the library, idly considering snitching a book from the Restricted Section, but his heart wasn't in it. Avoiding Filch, who was apparently lurking again, Harry thought of going to the Owlery and visiting Hedwig, maybe sending off a letter when he heard a voice say, "Harry?"

Turning, he found Lupin looking around his office door…

After accepting an invitation to tea– he really had nothing better to do, after all– the two sat down in Lupin's office, watching the Grindylow in it's tank. "Anything worrying you, Harry?" Lupin said

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Is this a subtle attempt to get information about the Boggart thing?" he asked dryly.

Lupin had the grace to look embarrassed. "Well, I was pretty worried, since you had to be stunned and all. I've never seen anyone react like that to a Boggart before. It was… disturbing, to say the least."

"I should have taken the hint you gave me and not fought it," Harry muttered.

"Why didn't you?" Lupin asked.

A shrug. "Pride maybe. I wanted to prove I could. Why didn't you want me to fight it?"

"I would have thought that was obvious, Harry," he said.

"Well, it wasn't" Harry said.

"Well," Lupin said, frowning slightly. "I assumed that if the Boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort. Although clearly, I was much mistaken."

At this, Harry gave a short snort of bitter laughter. "Oh, I'd say that was an understatement!"

A pause. "Still, I'm glad I fought it. It taught me something about myself."

"And that is?" Lupin asked.

"What I'm most afraid of."

Any further discussion was interrupted as someone knocked on the door. Snape entered at Lupin's call…

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There is something very therapeutic about having a ton of candy dropped onto your lap.

"There!" Hermione declared. "Maybe a sugar rush will get you out of your funk!"

Harry's lip twitched in what felt like ages. "_Koneko-chan,_" he drawled, to Hermione's silent joy, "do you really think it's a good idea to give _me_, of all people, a sugar rush?"

"YES! HE'S OUT OF IT!" Ron declared, dancing a little jig on the spot, as Harry looked on in amusement.

Harry rolled his eyes, although he was grateful for all their concern. That short talk with Lupin had prompted him to slow down and really think things over. What, exactly, had been so traumatizing about the Boggart? Granted, seeing scenes out of his nightmares hadn't been any fun, but really they'd only been as real as those nightmares, plus he'd been able to kick something that looked like Itac– that (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP). Naruto, Sasuke, Hinata, Ayame, Ginny, Ron, Hermione… they were all safe. Sure, Jiraiya might be in danger somewhere, what with all his peeping, but he'd survived this long. There really were few things that could stand up against one of the sannin…

Conclusion; he'd been obsessing over nothing. He was more like to die than… certain people if he kept up this fanatical pace, and no amount of sleep deprivation would bring vengeance closer. He'd been over-reacting to the whole incident, and even though he had an actual basis for his fears, they were not likely to happen. The Hokage, Iruka-sensei and he would all see to that…

After explaining why he'd missed the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year ("YOU WERE HANGING AROUND THE FORBIDDEN FOREST!") and running away from Hermione and her armchair– her bat was apparently not enough in this instance– the two began to fill him in on what Hogsmeade was like. When the time came, they went down to the feast, enjoying the food and watching the Hogwart's ghost make a presentation of formation gliding. Nearly Headless Nick did a reenactment of his own botched beheading, although near the end, he improvised and juggled his own head. Harry chuckled as he realized it had been already over a year since he had properly decapitated Nick.

All in all, it was an enjoyable evening. Then they returned to Gryffindor Tower and found the Fat Lady's portrait viciously slashed…

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"You know, it's been a while since I've slept under the stars," Harry said, hands under his head as a pillow as he looked up at the Great Hall's enchanted ceiling.

Ron and Hermione looked at him in astonishment. "How can you be so blasé about this?" Hermione asked, looking down at him as she leaned on her elbows. "Sirius Black was in the castle!"

"With a knife!" Ron emphasized.

Harry rolled his eyes and looked pointedly down at his thigh, where his holster was attached. "Knives aren't really much of a security issue around here, Ron," he said.

"Which really should be worrying me," Hermione muttered.

"Lucky he tried to break in on the night we weren't in the Tower," Ron said. "I wonder how he got in?"

They listened at all the theories being bounced around. Harry listened curiously to that Apparating thing, realizing it must be how Dobby had disappeared that time. He wondered where he could learn it from…

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Sirius Black quickly became the talk of the school. Concocting crazy theories as to how got in quickly became a new past time. Harry particularly liked the one where he turned himself into a flowering shrub.

He was less enthusiastic about Sir Cadogan, the Fat Lady's replacement. In his opinion, the painting was desperately in need of therapy or incineration– preferably the latter. The only reason he didn't burn him on the spot was that they needed someone to watch the door, although why it couldn't be one of the gargoyles from the staff room, he had no idea. Add in the fact Professor McGonagall nearly cancelled Quidditch practice 'for his own safety', and he was very glad he managed to snap out of his funk, otherwise he might have gone nuts from all the angsting and lack of an outlet.

On the day before the match, Harry and company walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to find…

"You're late Potter," Snape said. "Ten points from Gryffindor for your tardiness. Sit down."

"Professor Snape?" Harry said, looking pretty cheerful for someone who'd just lost points. "What are you doing here? Where's Professor Lupin?"

"He says he feels too ill to teach today," Snape said, smiling in a really creepy way that had the whole class shivering. "I believe I told you to sit down?"

"Okey-dokey!" Harry chirped. Snape twitched at all the cheerfulness.

Ron and Hermione looked at each other. They had a bad feeling about this…

After overloading them with homework on werewolves (Ron wondered why Black hadn't hid in Snape's office), they were finally let go. Harry had congratulated Snape on the lesson and on finally getting to teach DADA, and had tried to go for another glomp, but…

THWACK!

Those still in the class paused as a paper fan found itself hitting Harry's head.

"Oh no! None of _that_, Potter!" Snape said, sounding torn between victorious and hysterical.

Harry blinked. "Sir, why are you holding a _harisen_?"

"Because Miss Granger's bat appears to be custom made," Snape said.

And thus the _harisen_– later to be renamed the Harry-sen– was introduced to the school.

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Harry was thankful for the water-repelling charm Hermione had cast on his glasses as he flew through the storm. He was cold and wet, but at least he wasn't blind. Still, he was barely able to make out the other players as they flew through the gloom, much less tell whether they were Gryffindor or Slytherin at any distance. A sudden bolt of lightning illuminated the stands, and Harry paused to wonder why Hagrid had let Fang out in this weather. How did he get so big, anyway…

A yell from Wood, and Harry turned, seeing Malfoy flying at top speed towards a tiny shimmering speck of gold…

Rain whipped his face as he urged his Nimbus faster and faster towards the Snitch. He and Malfoy were neck and neck now…

An eerie silence fell over everything as the wind forgot to roar, and the cold grew more intense, digging into his heart. He saw Malfoy stop in mid-air, heard him cry out in surprise…

He looked down…

A see of black cloaks stood below him…

_They should have realized something was wrong when they approached the Uchiha compound and didn't see anyone…_

Through a haze, Harry felt panic not so much as creep as explode in his mind. _No. Not again…_

His hands slipped…

He heard a frustrated cry and felt a tug as he knew no more, drowning in dreams of fire and blood…

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Harry's eyes snapped open and he barely bit back a scream. He ignored the figures crowding around him as he tried not to hyperventilate, even as his body shook like a leaf in high wind. He had to remind himself again and again that it had all been a horrible illusion, a nightmarish remembrance from the past.

There were no dead Uchiha. They'd died a long time ago.

Naruto and Sasuke were fine and waiting for him at home.

And Uchiha Itachi was far, far away from here.

"What happened?" he demanded curtly, and the voices around him stilled.

Finally, Fred's voice– or was it George?– spoke. "You fell off. It must have been– what– fifty feet?"

"We thought you were going to die," Alicia said shakily.

A part of Harry's mind ironically noted that wherever he was, _HE_ was still killing him.

"The match," he demanded. "How badly did Slytherin beat us?" Always prepare for the worst.

Everything else becomes a nice surprise.

"No one won," George said, and Harry's head snapped up. "Madam Hooch cancelled the game before anyone caught the Snitch. We're doing a replay, although no one's sure when it'll be. There's talk about canceling the season entirely…"

Harry blinked at that. It was better than he had expected. "Well, that's good, at least. Hey, has anyone seen my Nimbus?"

At this, there was a mass-uncomfortable-shuffle that set warning bells off in Harry's head.

"What happened?" he asked.

The Quidditch team looked at each other, then stepped back and pushed Ron and Hermione into view.

"Er–" Ron said uncomfortably, while Hermione continued to shuffle.

"What?" he repeated, looking from one to the other.

"Well… when you fell off, it got blown away," Hermione said hesitantly, and Harry suddenly got a bad feeling about this…

"And?"

"It hit the Whomping Willow," Ron supplied.

Harry blinked and realized things were a lot worse than he thought. "Oh, (BLEEP)."

Hermione pulled out a bag from under the bed as the Quidditch team muttered half-heard good byes and shuffled out of the room, leaving Harry to look through the remains of his broom and the only chance he had of winning.

Finally, after a long while, he said, "Anything else I need to know about?"

The two exchanged looks, and Harry wondered how bad _this_ news was.

"Well…" Ron said. "Malfoy was here earlier…"

"He was the one who saved you, Harry…" Hermione said disbelievingly. "He held on to you until he slipped from his broom and Dumbledore caught you both."

Rapid blinking. _That_ was a surprise. "What did he want?"

They looked at each other again. "He says…" Hermione paused. Harry gave her a look and she rushed on.

"He says you two are even."

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**- To be continued…**

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A/N: bye-bye Wizard's debt… this doesn't nearly cover all the scenes I wanted to have– I usually try and get them to reach Christmas– but I'm already mentally exhausted from this chapter, so I'm ending it here. **bissek**, your suggestion comes next chap.

Harry with Rock Lee syndrome over Snape… that's creepy, even for me (_shudders at his own creation_).

As the Icha Icha, let me elaborate: Harry was feeling guilty he took his frustration out on Malfoy like that. Granted, he would have done so anyway, but the degree he did was out of proportion, and he could have broken his neck on the stairs…

I'd figure the class pretty much has a bad case of pixie trauma.

Paper fans made for hitting people are known as _harisen_. They are now the professors' preferred (_ahem_) teaching aids.

Harry's fear: Harry is afraid of losing his precious people (here to death), so the boggart turned into them dead and dying. Since _Riddikulus_ affects the boggart by changing the base form of the fear (dead and dying) into something funny, it turned into a dying-and-in-horrible-pain Itachi (in his ANBU uniform). Harry _would _laugh at that, and Lupin never said what kind of laughter affects a boggart…

Dark Arts: Seriously, even considering that Snape supposedly knew a lot of Dark stuff in his first year, that was Sirius talking. He's biased against Snape, and who knows what he'd call Dark? It might be accurate, or it might be a case of 'unreliable narrator'. Considering Snape's speech in book six, Dark Arts must be very difficult, since it requires mastery. As for Durmstrang student's well, they're supervised. How much easier is it to learn something when you have a competent teacher versus if you're teaching yourself with only the basics and no idea what you're doing?

Harry's recovery times: with the dementors, it was just old memories being resurfaced. While traumatic, it was something he'd already faced before and knew about, even if he didn't like to acknowledge it. The boggart, however, unearthed a new part of him that he's never really considered or dealt with, and so he needed more time to get over it…

Just to remind a lot of people: 'Sannin' is not a _rank_, it is a _title_ given collectively to Jiraiya, Tsunade and Orochimaru, and is a shortening of '_Densetsu Sannin_'. Hence, Jiraiya is not _a_ sannin, but rather _one of _the sannin. This is a common misconception found in a lot of fics…

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**Omake: Wizards Debt Cliché**

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When Harry walked into the potions classroom after finally being released from the hospital wing, he found Malfoy waiting for him. Immediately, all others in the room quieted down, eager to see how this confrontation turned out.

"Potter," Malfoy said, voice trembling slightly. "You saved my life. I owe you a wizard's debt."

"Forget about it Malfoy," Harry said. As he was about to walk away, however, Malfoy grabbed his hand.

"Wait!" Malfoy cried, clearly trembling now. "There's more I have to say…"

_Is he wearing lip-gloss?_ Harry thought.

"Potter," Malfoy continued. "As I looked at your unconscious body in the hospital wing–"

_So **that's** who sent me those whips,_ Harry realized.

"– I realized something," the Slytherin continued, spotlighted by a 500-watt lamp as flower petals flew around him, not noticing Harry had been replaced by a log. "Harry… I love you…"

He turned his wide doe eyes at Harry– who was really a log– hands clasped imploringly before him. "I give myself to you in payment of my wizard's debt…"

"**_LIKE HELL, BITCH!_**" Ginny, Hermione, Myrtle, Anko, Ayame, Miko (Kurenai, Suzume, the Seduction Corps ANBU, the cute girl in the corner dinner, the dancing girls in Kakashi's favorite nightclub…) all screamed and hexed, hammered, ecto-blasted, hacked, la blued (as well as ramened, ANBU-ed, poisoned, danced…) him to death. "**_HARRY'S MINE!_**"

_So_ not going to happen, people…

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**Omake: Harry-sen**

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Harry was just about to give Snape another glomp when he suddenly pulled a card out from under his robes and held it up in the air. "_ADEAT!_" he cried. There was a bright light, and the card suddenly turned into the biggest paper fan the world had ever seen, with the words "Ministra Magi Asuna" stamped on it.

THWACK!

"Oh no! None of _that_, Potter!" Snape said, sounding torn between victorious and hysterical.

Harry blinked. "Sir, why are you holding a _harisen_?"

"Because Miss Granger's bat appears to be custom made," Snape said. "Still, I found a way to make mine special."

BOOM!

Thus was the sound of the back wall of the classroom exploding, providing a passage into the room. How _that_ is possible when the classroom is an underground dungeon is best left well alone.

A teenaged girl with long red hair held up in two tails by bells strode through the rubble, pointing at Snape. "There's the creep who stole my Pactio Card! Give me back my _harisen,_ you perv!"

"NEVER!" Snape cried, and the girl launched himself at Snape as the two degenerated into a dust cloud of punching, kicking, biting, eye-gouging…

"Man, Asuna sure is violent today," a voice suddenly said from the direction of the destroyed wall as a young boy, about ten and holding a huge staff, walked through it.

He saw Harry. Harry saw him.

"**_AAHHHH!!!!!!!_**" they both cried, pointing at each other. "**_YOU!_**"

"Negi Springfield!" Harry swore. "The one person who I hate more than Itachi! You stole my schnicht and got a harem to boot! **_I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU!_**"

"Harry Potter!" Negi cursed. "The one person I hate more than anyone else alive! Because of you, people think I'm an unoriginal hack-off crossed with Love Hina! **_I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU!_**"

The two both drew their weapons, ignoring Snape and Asuna fighting in the background. **_"DIE!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

"**_199 SPIRITUS LUCIS, COEUNTES SAGITENT INIMICUM! SAGITTA MAGICA, SERIES LUCIS!_**"

"**_AVADA KEDAVRA!_**"

"Hey! No fair–" Negi managed to say before he died instantly.

"Yeah! Original is best!" Harry cried, pumping his fist in the air. "The harems are mine!"

"NEGI! **_NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**" Asuna slurred dramatically, killing Snape by drowning him in his own cauldron and taking back her _harisen_, her rage causing it to turn into a huge sword. "**_YOU ARE SO DEAD FOR KILLING OFF MY HORRENDOUSLY UNDERAGED LOVE INTEREST!_**"

"**_BRING IT ON, BITCH!_**" Harry cried as the two charged each other.

Ron, Hermione, Konoka and Setsuna, who had both also come through the hole but hadn't been mentioned 'til now, all sweatdropped as Harry's killing curses died on Asuna's magic-canceller field, while the heavy-kicking highschool girl screamed in frustration and now-unrelievable sexual tension as the agile ninja-wizard dodged her slashes.

As one, the four turned towards the author. "Aren't you supposed to only take that crack when you're writing **_Raikiri Triken_**?" Ron accused.

"…"

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**End Omake**

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So sue me, but it was so much fun!

And despite him dying in such a pathetically half-assed manner, I really like Negi-bozu. **_GO AKAMATSU STUFF! GO HAREMS!_**

Please review, C&C welcome. Any flamers will be given to Harry to relieve his murderous tension.

Until next time, this is Shadow, sniffing from the **_Raikiri Triken _**crack when he's not supposed to, signing off.


	14. Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 3!

A/N: No, I'm not dead, and neither is this. A lot of you are college students and I'm sure some of you have hyper parents who can't seem to relax. Please understand.

And now, a classic ninja technique…

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"WHAT THE (**_BLEEP_**) DID YOU THINK YOU WERE (**_BLEEP_**)-ING DOING?" Flint screamed. Malfoy, with as much dignity as he could muster, wiped the spittle from his face. "WHY, IN THE (**_BLEEP_**)-ING NAME OF SLYTHERIN DID YOU SAVE HARRY (**_BLEEP_**)-ING POTTER?"

The Slytherin common room was cold, and felt even colder as Draco Malfoy stood through an impromptu trial by his Housemates, especially the Quidditch team, most notably Flint. The team captain was flushed as he stared down the blond boy, who looked remarkably calm, flanked as he was by Crabbe and Goyle.

"I was getting rid of a Wizard's debt," Malfoy said coolly. "You should be able to understand _that._"

"TO POTTER?" Flint continued ranting. "HOW THE (**_BLEEP_**) DID _THAT_ HAPPEN?"

"The hippogriff," Malfoy answered. "Regardless, I didn't like being in debt to a Gryffindor like that."

"If you'd let him die, you wouldn't have been anymore," Flint ground out.

"He was brothers," Malfoy said with distaste. "_Muggle_ brothers. I'd like his debt to pass to them even less."

A long time later, most of Slytherin House had passed out around them, since no one had been inclined to go for their beds when they got sleepy. Flint had grudgingly decided that Malfoy's actions, while not getting them the short-term victory they wanted, would be good in the long run. The two had just settled things– for the moment– when a voice suddenly said, "Shouldn't you guys be asleep? Or is your House having a sleepover?"

All the Slytherins still conscious gaped, some having the presence of mind to go for their wands.

"POTTER!" Flint exclaimed, his hands balling into fists.

"Yo, Flinty," Harry said, raising a hand negligently, his eyes on Malfoy.

"What are you doing here?" Malfoy sneered, conscious of the fact he was on home ground. "_How_ did you get in here?"

Harry smiled, looking very relaxed considering he was technically inside enemy territory. The hold he had over them with the Icha Icha books was a strange thing and didn't make a very good threat in these kinds of situations– well, not for long, anyway. "The same way I got in the last time," Harry said. "Seriously, 'blood cleansing'? Could your passwords _be_ any more obvious? Oh, wipe those looks off your faces, no one told me the password. I picked it up myself, so you don't have to worry about any 'blood traitors'."

By now, more people had woken up and were pointing more and more of their wands at Harry. He just stood there calmly, as if he didn't have at least forty and counting curse-happy, sleep-deprived, cranky individuals wanting to blast him. "As for _why_… well, I wanted to talk to Malfoy here."

As if on cue, Crabbe and Goyle stepped forward, looking as threatening as a boulder rolling down a tall hill towards you. You know it's going to hurt if it hits, but you also know that, since it's rolling down a groove and still three hundred feet away, it's a very simple matter to not get hurt. Just use your brain and step to the side.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You realize that I can just beat your boy-toys up like I did in first year, right Malfoy?"

Malfoy bristled at that, while his two flunkies seemed to be wondering what he meant by 'boy-toy'. "What do you want, Potter?" he repeated.

"I told you, I wanted to talk to you," Harry said. "My friends say you saved my life. Why? You're not the type to do charity, even for a stack of books you've been deprived of."

Malfoy raised an incredulous eyebrow. "You mean you didn't _know_?" he said incredulously.

"Let's not play this game, Malfoy. What don't I know?" Harry said, and suddenly Malfoy– and every Slytherin in the room– felt something pressing against them. It was like a large weight loomed over the, waiting to crush them, to slay them with it's unstoppable power, and there was nothing they could do about, for they were weak, merely insects, and it was better the kill themselves than face this…!

"Wizard's debt!" Malfoy blurted out, and the force disappeared as if it was never there. He kept on talking. "When a wizards saves another's life, he incurs a life debt. I didn't want to be in debt to you, so I saved your life as soon as I could," he said in a rush, wondering if the weight had just been his imagination…

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is that all? That's nice to know. For a minute there, I was afraid you'd had a change of heart or something. Glad to know you're still normal."

Suddenly ignoring Malfoy like he didn't exist, Harry turned to Flint. "I heard they're arranging a replay, since no one won."

Flint gave Malfoy a dirty look.

"I have a proposal," Harry said airily, and Flint returned his gaze to him. "I've always disliked the fact that Slytherin and Gryffindor are always the first to face off every year. Our Houses are rivals, in more ways than one. Whoever sets up the play-off schedule doesn't seem to have any concept of dramatic build-up…"

"Get on with it!" Flint snapped.

"We have them make Gryffindor and Slytherin's replay the last match of the year," Harry said. "You know you want it like that. Imagine, crushing through Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, with us as the cherry on top. The last match of the year, the epic, climactic battle of the bitterest rivals in Hogwarts… you know you want it."

Flint glared at him, a gleam in his eye. Apparently, he did. "You're on."

"Excellent," Harry said cheerily. "Well, gotta go. I'm supposed to be in the hospital wing."

Before anyone could move, Harry threw something at the ground at his feet. There was a small bang and a burst of smoke that quickly rose, only to swiftly disappear. When it cleared, Harry was gone.

Naturally, there was much confusion amongst the Slytherins as Potter seemingly Apparated away, despite the measures against humans doing that. It was a while before they settled down and went to sleep.

Only then did Harry crawl out from under the sofa and hastily rush back towards the Hospital Wing where he was supposed to be. He didn't want to be caught, after all.

Shinobi should never be caught…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 14: Prisoner of Azkaban, Genin Remix part 3!

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. If I did, **_Harry Potter_** would look a lot more like **_Negima_** and **_Naruto_** would have more genuinely funny episodes. That said, on with the show!

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"Dearly beloved," Harry intoned solemnly. Someone– either Fred or George– snickered.

Hermione sighed and wondered what on Earth possessed her to go along with this lunacy. Next to her, Ron was wiping tears from his eyes, and she resisted the urge to hit him. Even though his thick skull might as well be steel considering how hard it was for things to penetrate, she didn't think he was as resistant as Harry was.

Harry continued as Fred and George patted their eyes with handkerchiefs through their widow's veils, while Wood stood stiffly by Harry's other side, looking as grim as if someone had died. Ginny was there, looking like she was trying not to laugh, while the three girls that were the Gryffindor Chasers looked torn between _that_ and wondering what the heck they were doing there of their own free will. Hermione wished she knew.

"We are gathered here to lay to rest a loyal companion, a faithful friend, a beautiful woman," Harry said, head bowed. "I will be the first to admit she was the best ride I've ever had, and I'm sorry I'll never get to ride her again. If I'd known, I would have tried to make our last time together special."

All the boys nodded as Hermione willed herself not to slam her head against the closest inanimate object.

"Great girl, she was," George reminisced in a teary voice. "Great to feel her between the legs and just ride like there was no tomorrow."

"When Harry would let us," Fred pointed out as the Chasers shook.

"Yeah, she was great," Ron said wistfully, clearly remembering his own rides.

Abruptly, Wood fell to his knees weeping, to everybody's shock. Harry put a consoling hand on the older boy's shoulder, his own head bowed, his unbound hair falling over his eyes. The headband with the metal plate he always wore was tied around his neck– a gesture of respect, he said. Hermione thought she was going to be sick.

"There, there Wood," Harry said as he comforted the boy.

Wood continued to cry. "It's not fair," he choked out. "She was taken so young! She had so much to look forward to! Her first shave… her first time in the big leagues… her first victory… !"

Hermione felt a headache coming on as Ginny stuffed a fist in her mouth.

Wood continued as all the boys crowded around him, patting him comfortingly. "I… I never even got to ride her…"

Something in Hermione just snapped.

"OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!" she cried, startling everyone. "IT WAS JUST A STUPID BROOM! GET OVER IT PEOPLE!"

That, apparently, was all the other girls could take. They all began to snicker, muffling the sound as much as possible as the boys gave her scandalized looks.

"Hermione!" George cried. "Have you no respect for the dead?"

She blamed Harry for this. She never got into these situations before they became friends.

"Ignore her," Harry said. "It's time for the burial."

Fred and George solemnly lay the bag that held the broken pieces of Harry's Nimbus 2000 into the shallow grave they'd dug, while Harry continued his speech. Hermione was now screaming into a pillow Ginny had thoughtfully brought.

"And so, as she is once more returned to the Earth from wence she came, let us remember her accomplishments and her victories," Harry said. "Let us remember her beauty and her grace, her fortitude and strength, her endurance and will…"

"Not to mention how good a ride she was," Ron added, and all the boys nodded.

Finally they set the grave stone. "Here Lies Nimbus 'Nim-chan' 2000. May she rest in peace."

After laying out flowers (by then Hermione was apoplectic), they all trooped away leaving the new grave to it's sunset.

In the bushes, Inu-Sirius wiped away a tear. _That was so beautiful…_

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Harry managed to get Anti-Dementor lessons from Lupin, ("You had a funeral for your broom?") when he got back to class (he was torn between being glad the man was back and missing Snape). While it would be delayed until after the winter holidays because of Lupin's backlog, at least they were one step closer to keeping Dementors out of his 'induce mental trauma' range. Now, if he could just find a spell that could exorcise them, or better yet for his inner pyromaniac, burn them to a crisp…

Lots of "Ku ku ku" evil laughter followed, seriously creeping out everyone within hearing range.

In addition to Wood's maniacal training in the rain– something that the inner pyro wasn't too happy about– Harry also pushed his own shinobi training. To keep said inner-pyro happy, he took to training in the Chamber of Secrets– _after_ he'd cleaned it out. A dead basilisk left to itself for several months gets _very_ ripe. Thankfully, Harry had already harvested the venom the day after he killed it– it was the only useful thing there was, in his opinion, since he had no idea what the fangs or other body parts were good for, and there didn't seem to be any point in having hundreds of feet of snakeskin– so all there was to do was to destroy the body.

And clean up all the hazardous chemicals and wastes produced by the decomposition…

And getting rid of the smell…

All in all, he had to learn the Bubble Head Charm just to get into the Chamber proper safely without being overcome by fumes– the fact that the entrance was in a now-active girls lavatory (since Myrtle was gone now) was an entirely different kettle of fish entirely– then _Incendio_ since he couldn't use any of his fire-based _jutsus_ if he wanted to keep the bubble on, _then_ the Vanishing Charm to get rid of the pools of noxious chemicals safely. Learning the Vanishing Charm was tough, since it was a highly advanced spell, but between his single-mindedness to avoid both the rain and the stench, and the fact he was Vanishing a liquid and not, say, a deer, he eventually got his half-assed spell to work. McGonagall would faint at how improperly done it was, but it worked.

He never really got rid of all the smell, though…

On the training front, he finally managed to get a seal-less _kawarimi_ to work, using _kunai_ and _shuriken_ launching traps to test it out. There were a couple of close calls early on where he couldn't get the things to work and ended up getting hit and an incident where a _kunai_ barely managed to deflect off his _hitai-ate_, but he eventually got it down.

He also managed to learn the jinx in the Dark Arts book that he suspected Quirell had used on him that time in first year, although at nowhere near the other man's level. Whereas all Quirell needed was concentration and eye-contact, Harry needed a wand and the incantation. Still, testing it out on a pack of magical playing cards (which he later had to destroy to hide the evidence of his experimenting, since the cards didn't know enough to shut their traps), it was as effective as Quirell's in hi-jacking control from magically-animated objects. As Dark Arts go, it wasn't much, but it had it's uses…

His first field test- causing a moving staircase Malfoy and a few Slytherins were on to shake like a leaf in a storm– was a rousing success. Sadly, he didn't manage to get them to puke. Granted, he had a headache for an hour afterwards– the stairs was still too big for him, apparently– but it was worth it to see Malfoy clamped on to Parkinson and calling for his mother.

Still, despite these accomplishments, despite the fact he still hadn't picked a new broom (propriety required he mourn for Nim-chan for a suitable length of time) one guiding light shown before him.

He was meeting his brothers for Christmas. In Konoha.

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On Saturday morning of the December Hogsmeade trip, Harry was running a little late, having needed to properly pack the basilisk venom– he'd brought as much as he could last year, and left the rest in the Chamber– for the train ride tomorrow. After momentarily being waylaid by Fred and George– they apparently assumed he wasn't allowed to go to Hogsmeade because he hadn't gone the last time. Imagine their surprise when they found out otherwise (they gave him the Mauraders Map anyway, since he really _could_ use it and they'd already memorized it)– he emerged out of Honeydukes– he _really_ didn't want to have to go within a hundred feet of anything to do with Dementors– and met up with Ron and Hermione.

After stocking up on what the shot had to offer, such as Cockroach Clusters for Anko ("Which reminds me, I need to buy a camera so I can get the look on that bitch's face when she realizes what she's eating.") and Blood Pops ("I wanna see if dango-bitch will eat it."), as well as the boulder-esque chocolates they had in stock, it was off to Zonko's…

The evil "Ku ku ku!" laughter that echoed out into the streets had Hogsmeade-villagers shaking in nervousness and looking over their shoulders. Hogwarts students, who actually had a pretty good idea what that sound meant, shivered in true fear, thankful there was no school the following day.

Harry Potter had found where Fred and George bought their armaments.

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"Did you have to keep laughing maniacally like that?" Hermione said as they headed for the Three Broomsticks, absolutely loaded with as many Dungbombs, Hiccough Sweets, Wart Soap, Laughing Gas and any other object of mayhem an Uzumaki could possibly want.

Zonko's was very lucky Konoha had no idea where it was, because in six months a lot of shinobi would come to hate their products. The joke shop would likely not survive the decent of a veritable army of pissed-off ninja.

"Can't help it, kitten," Harry said, grinning and ignoring the swat to the back of his head. "I need to let out my inner maniac every so often, the way you occasionally let out your inner pervert."

"I don't have an inner pervert," Hermione sniffed primly.

"You read _Icha Icha_, Hermi-chan," Harry said, smirking. "Well, I guess you _are_ right, since instead of an inner pervert you have an outer pervert…"

Hermione whacked him another as she blushed, while Ron prayed no one associated the two with him, and that this conversation never made it back to his mother.

They entered the Three Broomsticks ("Why is this place named after a gay threesome? OW! Koneko-chan!"), where Harry whistled at Madam Rosmerta appreciatively (Hermione hit him again). Ron blushed as he offered to get the drinks. The shinobi-wizard _tried _to think of some advice that would help Ron but came up short, so he just said, "Go get her, Ron," and made his way with Hermione to the back of the room.

"You really shouldn't encourage him, you know," Hermione chided, her voice just the slightest bit tight.

Harry allowed himself a half-smirk. "Better now than when he's old enough to get slapped," he said sagely.

"I take it you're speaking from experience?" was the dry retort.

"Flirting by age nine, village heartthrob by nine and a half," Harry said proudly, even as his eyes darkened momentarily as he recalled who'd first taught him the tactic. A blink, and the darkness was gone. "At first, it was just to butter up people, but I got to like the attention. Besides, girls are cute when they blush and smile." He was very resolutely _not_ thinking about Hinata.

Hermione's eyebrows rose at this revelation, but before she could speak, Ron appeared with three flowing tankards of Butterbeer. He lay two on the table as he raised the one he'd apparently claimed as his. "Happy Christmas!" he toasted, taking a drink.

"_Kampai_!" Harry cheered, taking a cautious sip from his own drink. He tended to be paranoid around alcohol and although it wasn't much, this _did_ have alcohol. So, sips, no chugging. Not unless he wanted to end up naked on the other side of town. Still, it tasted great. He sighed as he settled back, listening to Ron and Hermione talking…

It would be nice to go back to Konoha this year. No mysteries he had to keep up on for Naruto and Sasuke and a very good reason to be somewhere else. Sure, there were shinobi who occasionally had to watch out for an attempt on their life, but Harry was still a bit young to be one of them (in his humble opinion, anyway). Maybe in a couple of years, sure, but he really wanted to wait until his reputation exceeded 'managed to survive a lethal attack when he was a baby' and 'filled the Hokage's office with cockroaches'.

A slight breeze made him look up, catching sight of his professors and Fudge entering. He leaned back a little more, not really in the mood to be fawned over and overprotected. He distinctly remembered McGonagall's 'not pleased' expression upon receiving his permission slip.

Pulling out one of Jiraiya's manuscripts (he was just about finished editing this one), he listened with half an ear as Ron and Hermione began discussing their Christmas plans. The professors sat down on the table next to them, and Harry discreetly took a peak at Madam Rosmerta, noting Ron doing the same and Hermione giving them both– but mostly Ron– an annoyed look.

He was going back to his editing when his ears caught the words 'Sirius Black', and he couldn't help but listened in…

He was just trying to find out more information about the guy supposedly trying to kill him. Really, that was all. What he did hear had him sitting up straight, the manuscript forgotten as he gripped his tankard tightly, hand shaking. He barely noticed the sharp pain in his palm as he crushed it, blood and Butterbeer pooling on the tabletop…

----------------------------------------

"–I COMFORTED THE MURDERING TRAITOR!" Hagrid roared.

CRACK!

The sound was minor, something breaking close by all but unnoticed amidst the racket Hagrid was making. Madam Rosmerta, her ears tuned to such sounds from years of tending her bar, turned towards a nearby table to admonish the person from breaking one of her tankards– and froze at the wave of killing intent that suddenly erupted, stilling all activity in the tavern. The intensity of the wave dropped as suddenly as it had risen, leaving Rosmerta and all the other people confused as to what had happened. One fool started shouting about Dementors. This covered up Professor McGonagall's softly uttered curse.

Harry Potter was staring blankly at his oddly-contorted clenched fist, which was still dripping Butterbeer. The broken remains of a tankard lay in a puddle of more of the beverage, which was slowly dripping onto his lap. Even as they watched, a mixture of blood and Butterbeer dripped into the puddle.

Hermione watched Harry warily, clutching her own drink protectively before her, an ineffectual shield against whatever he may bring. "H-harry?" she said tentatively, hesitantly raising a hand towards him. His fist clenched tighter in response, and more blood began to drip. She gasped, concerned. "Harry, you're bleeding!"

"I'm fine, Hermione," Harry said dully. Jerkily, he opened his fist, gazing dispassionately at the broken shards that had cut into his palm, at the blood oozing out. His other hand began to dig out the shards, ignoring the sudden rush of blood as he did so. Pulling out the last shard from his palm, he reached into his hip pouch and pulled out a roll of bandages. The boy began to wrap it around his injured hand.

Silence.

Calmly, Harry stood up and tossed a Galleon on the table. "Sorry about the mess," he said.

Picking up his manuscript, he left.

----------------------------------------

"ANIKI!" Sasuke and Naruto cried as they greeted Harry at the train station. Myrtle was hovering with them, while in the background, Jiraiya was being mobbed by a bunch of parents who either wanted his autograph or wanted to kill him.

The first smile since yesterday graced Harry's face, and he didn't have to act at all as he hugged his brothers in greeting. "Hey Naru-bozu, Sasuke-chan. Missed me?"

In response, Sasuke growled, kicking at his shin. He deftly moved it out of the way. "Did you two think that was funny?-!-?" he cried. "It took three days for that stupid… **_THING_** to stop chasing me around!"

Harry grinned at Naruto. "_Please_ tell me you got it on video somehow."

The blond returned his grin. "Hinata-chan lent me a camera."

"_Ex-cellent_," Harry cackled Montgomery Burns style, right down to rubbing his hands together.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched, and this time his kick landed on Harry's shin dead on.

After a few minutes of slapstick involving chasing Sasuke around while hopping on one leg, Harry eventually turned to Myrtle. "Hey Myr-chan. Missed me?"

He was quickly answered as he was enfolded by one very happy dead girl. Chakra glowed slightly along his body to keep her from going through him as they met, Myrtle all giggly over him as she went on about how she'd missed him and how much of a handful his brothers had been. Which was his cue to kiss her, since that seemed to be the most effective way to get _anybody_ to shut up…

"Shouldn't they get a room for that?" Ginny said, watching the two in annoyance as Sasuke asked Ron where Fred and George were.

"Let him be, Ginny," Hermione said, grabbing the other girl's bat to keep her from using it even as she wondered how much of Harry's behavior right then was genuine and how much was an act to leave him alone. After yesterday's… revelation, Harry had gone straight to the school, and looked himself in their dorm. When he'd come one the following day to get on the Hogwarts Express– having skipped supper and breakfast– he hadn't said a word, merely locking himself in a compartment and going to sleep– or at least pretending to be asleep– when they joined him. Hermione didn't think that sleeping people clenched their fists so hard the veins stood out.

The girl was fairly certain that outside of him, Ron, and those in the next table, no one knew the exact reason for Harry's latest mood swing. All anyone else knew was that Harry had stormed– well, not exactly _stormed_, given how calm he'd been– out of the Three Broomsticks after breaking his tankard– the exact method undisclosed– immediately on the heels of that strange burst of emotion or whatever it was.

Hermione was sure Harry had done it, but for the life of her she had no idea how. Having been unable to research it because of the rush of leaving, the best theories she had was it was some form of accidental magic, and that theory had enough holes to sink a continent, such as the fact it didn't _act_ like accidental magic, which tended to make itself known with physical signs. Wandless magic seemed better, but that had it's holes too. Even the most experienced users of wandless magic need some kind of mnemonic device to activate the spell, such as snapping their fingers or something, but besides crushing the tankard– and she'd like to know how he'd done _that_ too– she hadn't seen Harry make a move. Even if he had, wandless magic can only be done if you were intimately familiar with the spell involved, which meant a lot of practice. Somehow, she couldn't picture Harry maniacally practicing a spell for intimidation– that seemed to be the effect's purpose– when he could learn other spells, like setting things on fire.

The sight of Fred and George running away from Harry's little brother Sasuke drove those thoughts out of her mind. Blinking, she and the others watched as the younger boy screamed bloody murder at the two while brandishing a broomstick– likely either Fred or George's– while the two ran like they had Fluffy after them. From what she could gather, they'd apparently supplied Harry with a prank involving mistletoe that had been used against the boy…

Sighing, she prayed Harry would be all right. All these mood swings… It just wasn't healthy. It wasn't…

----------------------------------------

Konoha. Harry breathed in the air, cool, yet much warmer than the snowy chill they'd just left behind. It was dark out, what with them being a long way around the world, so he'd need to readjust his body clock, but that was all right. He'd only be here a couple of weeks.

That said…

"Jiraiya," Harry said without preamble, "you knew my parents. Did you know anyone named Sirius Black?"

Everyone– Jiraiya, Naruto, Sasuke and Myrtle– blinked in surprise at Harry's rather abrupt question, right at the heals of getting dropped down by a Portkey. The two younger boys were particularly caught off guard. The look Harry was directing at the sannin was one he'd tended to use when he was interrogating someone who'd picked on Naruto so that he could justifiably beat the ever-living crap out of them.

"Sirius Black?" Jiraiya repeated questioningly. "I knew he was one of your parents best friends. Didn't meet him much, since he couldn't visit often while they were in hiding, but he seemed like a god guy. Why do you ask? Looking for more people who could tell you about your parents?" Jiraiya thought that might be it. He'd never really been able to tell Harry much about them, since he'd met them during their war, and that wasn't really conducive for making the stories you tell little kids about their parents. He had a couple of war stories about them he'd planned to tell Harry when he was older– come to think of it, he was probably already old enough; my, where _had_ the time gone?– maybe he should tell him those?

"No. I'm asking because I have to kill him," Harry said, his look turning slightly manic.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other in shock. They knew that look, or at least something close to it. This was highly toned down, not even a millionth as potent as the _other_ one was, but there was no denying the resemblance it possessed to the look Harry wore whenever the subject of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was broached.

Jiraiya frowned. "What?"

"I'm going to kill Sirius Black for betraying my parents to Voldemort," Harry said, then paused, considering what he'd just said. "No, I'm not just going to kill him. I'm going to make him _suffer_." This with a growl that was nearly animalistic in it's fervor as Harry's hand clenched into a fist. The bandage began to moisten as the wounds from yesterday broke open.

Myrtle stared in shock as the gentle, laughing, sweet boy she knew began to shake in anticipation. She knew he was a ninja, knew what the lifestyle entailed– she thought she did, anyway– but never had she considered the thought of Harry turning like this. It was,,, 'frightening' didn't seem adequate enough to explain it. She saw Sasuke and Naruto had drawn back slightly, unnerved as well by this transformation, so soon after the happiness of reunion, but almost in tandem they stopped, seemed to firm up, and edge closer to Harry.

"Oni-chan…"

"Aniki…"

Jiraiya sighed… and without warning whacked Harry upside the head. "Idiot brat," he muttered as Harry rounded on him, apparently trying to look incensed, although to Jiraiya he looked like an emo who'd had his moment ruined. He gave Harry a level look. "While I'm sure you have a good reason for gunning after this guy, could you hold it off until tomorrow so that we can get to sleep?"

His yawn punctuated his point.

BEEEEEP! Dead emo moment.

----------------------------------------

Anko observed Harry as the boy tried to get his breath back. It had been a surprise for him to suddenly pop up as if it were summer and ask to train with her. She'd blown him off, saying… something or other, even though she really hadn't had anything better to do, but for some reason, he seemed to take the punch to the gut and excessive profanity as a 'sure, I don't mind'.

So obviously, she just _had_ to teach the kid a lesson, right?

A few minutes into it, she could tell he was having issues. She was no great shakes at interpreting what people were thinking as they fought, but she knew _her_ own issues well enough that if your opponent was charging in like a rampaging bull despite your using techniques to divert his energy aside and use it against him, something was up. Uzumaki clearly wasn't fighting so much as venting, and while she normally liked to beat the crap out of her little student, she liked to do it _without_ his help.

"Uzumaki," she said conversationally as she stepped to the side and tripped him, them helped him along with a kick to the rear, "what's got your panties in a bunch? You're fighting worse than a drunk chipmunk."

Nothing but long string of profanity followed, so she decided to bump it up a little a couple of levels and beat him senseless before the rest of her day disappeared. She hadn't really been expecting him to tell her what his problem was. She was just his sensei, after all…

----------------------------------------

"Well?" Jiraiya said as he watched his sensei open the letter. "What does Dumbledore say?"

Sarutobi was silent for a while as he quickly skimmed the letter. Then he frowned and sighed. "It's just as Harry says. Apparently, this Sirius Black betrayed his parents and was eventually caught and imprisoned for it. Now that Harry has learned of this, I am not surprised at his behavior. Ever since the Uchiha Massacre, Harry has had a very dim view of betrayal. He has often asked me what the qualifications are to become a hunter-nin."

"Should we tell Dumbledore that he's likely to go after Black himself?" Jiraiya said.

"Apparently, they've already considered that possibility, and took steps to make him promise not to, but," Sarutobi smiled grimly, "that was before he knew. Harry has always been stubborn about doing what he thought was right."

"Brat's going to get himself killed one of these days."

"Them we must do our best to prevent that from happening," Sarutobi pointed out. "After all, he is a Konoha citizen, and we take care of our own."

"How do we do that?"

There was a thoughtful silence.

"I have no idea."

----------------------------------------

"Hey Ibiki, that Uzumaki kid's been hanging around asking for tips again!"

----------------------------------------

Harry's first winter in Konoha in two years was initially something of a letdown at first. At home, he was darkly moody, constantly poring over his Dark Arts book or the scroll he'd checked out on field interrogation (read: torture) whenever his brothers couldn't drag him away to watch anime or deploy the pranks he'd bought. He was always distant, generally dampening everyone's enthusiasm.

The only exception to this was when Hinata was around. Something about the mild-mannered girl seemed to knock him out of his funk enough to make him seem almost normal. Myrtle and Naruto figured it was because he didn't want to get the girl down during her tutoring/training, since she'd been so happy to see he'd returned. Sasuke firmly believed all her happiness and light vibes completely counteracted his emo waves.

On the third day he started acting like a normal person for an hour after he finished teaching Hinata, Naruto invited the girl to stay over for dinner and hang out as late as she could.

Fortunately, Harry was together enough to quickly _henge_ into her form so that Sasuke and Myrtle could revive the fainted girl without the blond noticing. Afterwards, the young wizard had to constantly remind himself he did not have a blushing-Hinata fetish.

Much to his housemate's relief, it was quickly after that incident that he dug the 'Evil Plotting Notebook' out of the bottom of his trunk and quickly reinstated the matchmaking campaign to get Hinata and Naruto hooked up. Zonko's unfortunately, had not had any love potion, and lacking ingredients, Harry couldn't brew one. What they did try never worked quite right. Hinata kept nigh-allergically fainting every time they tried the mistletoe gag, and between her own heavy jacket and the fact it didn't really snow in Konoha (although they had the occasional freezing rain that froze at night and turned to mud at morning), anything that involved getting the two to 'innocently' share body heat was dead in the water.

Oh, Harry still researched on ways to painfully end the existence of his latest obsession, but he was discreet about it. The fact he was back in Konoha had finally properly sunk in, and he began enjoying himself without prompting from Hinata's presence. There was plenty of time to fixate on murder/death/killing when he was back in school. That was the way other students did it…

----------------------------------------

Jiraiya and Sarutobi stared wide-eyed at the images in the Hokage's crystal ball, which had resolved themselves into a maniacally laughing Harry trying to run away from a maniacally murderous Anko, who was screaming something about peanuts and chocolate-covered cockroaches.

"Did we miss something?" Jiraiya said.

----------------------------------------

After Anko had sufficiently vented her displeasure at being fed cockroaches, the two had called an unofficial truce of sorts. Harry, not really wanting to have his proficiency in the contents of the scrolls tested just yet, had not mentioned it, while Anko, not really feeling sensei-ish, hadn't bought it up. After all, technically, they were only properly student and sensei during the summer months, so why bother? After all, she wasn't going to get paid extra for this…

Which was how the two of them walking down through the market streets of Konoha– well, Harry was more limping than walking– as the kunoichi happily sucked down a blood-flavored lollipop.

"I can't believe you can actually get a hold of these things," she said, something like a cross between a grin and a happy smirk on her face as enjoyed the artificially sweetened 'confection'. "They got the metallic taste just right."

"So glad you liked it," Harry said dryly, before turning his attention back to the lady he was haggling with, his practiced smile firmly in place as he tried to flirt her into lowering the price just a _little_ bit more. The woman, married and old enough to be his old-maid aunt, her hair already mostly gray, giggled at his blandishments, long used to the routine, but didn't relent. Sighing theatrically, Harry forked over the money, added in a few choice comments about 'age is beauty', and allowed the woman to shoo him away, the both of them still laughing.

"You're pretty shameless, you know that?" Anko commented as Harry finished his shopping, not offering to help despite his limp.

"Looks who's talking," he shot back, pointedly staring at her chest.

She bared her teeth at him in what might have been a grin. "I like feeling the breeze. It gets pretty hot around here, you know."

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a top," Harry said, "Not that I mind, but doesn't that snag?"

"You flirting with me or something, Uzumaki?"

"(**BLEEP**) NO!"

She gave him another toothy grin as she used her tongue to lick the Blood Pop in a very inappropriate manner. "Why not? Too much woman for you?"

"You are _not_ a woman!" Harry insisted as he checked his shopping list. He'd already gotten most of what he could carry on his leg. The flour for the ramen noodles could wait 'til later. "Not sure what you are, but 'woman' isn't it."

"Oh, like you'd know anything about _real_ women," Anko retorted as she made a good impression of some even more inappropriate oral action.

"I've made out with Mido-san," Harry said, remembering his efforts to get the ANBU to take protecting his brother seriously.

"La Blue Girl makes out with anyone," Anko waved off.

"I was nine."

That actually got her to blink, and Anko looked at her student sideways. "Either she's more perverted than I thought or…" No. She did _not_ want to think about it. Tea ceremonies, think about tea ceremonies…

Harry merely buffed his nails on his vest and grinned widely at her. "I'm _very _popular. Kinda surprised we've never run into each other, really. I know a lot of the kunoichi in the area and a many of the civilian women, but I've never seen you until we ran into each other."

"If that was how you greet people you've never met, I'm surprised you still manage to get any," Anko said dryly, remembering their first meeting.

"I never said I was the good kind of popular," Harry answered back. "A lot of people out there don't like me because I beat them up for beating on my brother. Sometimes I convince I'm lovable and sexy, sometimes I don't."

"Hmph," Anko grunted, cracking her Blood-Pop and chewing on the small piece that came off. "Well, I don't hang around the village much since I usually volunteer for long-distance missions." It also gave her a wide range to look for Orochimaru, but that was _her_ business. "In fact, I've got a mission briefing to get to."

"Aw, you leaving?" Harry said a touch sarcastically. "No genin-jounin bonding?"

Ankno twitched internally, and she turned towards him, acid in her voice. "I don't need to bond with you. You're just my student."

Harry blinked at the abrupt end and fierce dismissal as his sensei leapt away, looking pissed. He scratched his head in consternation. "What's got _her_ thong in a wad?" he wondered. After all, they'd almost been getting along…

Shrugging it off as a woman thing– even though Anko supposedly wasn't one– Harry continued to limp off home…

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Sasuke eventually got back at his brothers for the mistletoe prank by somehow sticking their nose-biting teacups in their ramen bowls. Much ramen was lost– they had a memorial service afterwards, which resulted in Myrtle getting into a semi-snit about how ramen got a better send-off than she did when she died– and everyone was even. Thus united, the application of Zonko's products on the unsuspecting village began in earnest.

People soon knew to turn around and run away whenever they saw a brown ball _anywhere_. Fecal matter or not, no one wanted it on them.

Hinata's progress during her informal training sessions with the Uzumaki brunets was steady, if not exactly anything to make a big deal about. Her Grand Fireball was getting progressively bigger, and they'd begun teaching her the other fire-_jutsus_ they knew. It was helping her self-confidence immensely, and once or twice Harry and Sasuke even managed to get her to pull a prank with them. Afterwards, however, she was always a twitching, nervous wreck as she imagine consequence after horrifying consequence of her father finding out. She calmed down a little when Sasuke pointed out it was a credit to her skills that she hadn't been caught yet, despite the fact one of her pranks had been to Dung Bomb a lounge full of ANBU.

Those guys were _still_ looking for her.

She was also still a wreck around Naruto though. Many of the trees near where they trained, around the Uzumaki apartment, and specially reinforced spot at Ichiraku's had dents on them due to the many times Harry and Sasuke had banged their heads in frustration. Harry was glad his _hitai-ate_ covered up the bruise; the nurses at the hospital were getting really worried about Sasuke's forehead.

----------------------------------------

It was nice to be spending Christmas with his brothers again. In Konoha, lacking a Catholic community of any sort– religion wasn't one of the things they imported from the mainland– it was more of a term they'd adopted to call their mid-winter celebrations, but the spirit was much the same, only with a bit more of a party atmosphere. Harry was certain Hermione would take one look at it and call it a commercial holiday; that is, if he knew what a commercial holiday was. At least now he knew what the fuss was about and why the Hokage got them stuff. And it certainly explained the tree Iruka got them. Plus why Sasuke always seemed to look forward to the end of the year…

Actually, now that he thought of it, Harry was surprised he'd only found out about Christmas at Hogwarts. Had he and Naruto really been so dense as to try and decorate their apartment every year without knowing why…?

Apparently, they were.

Christmas Eve had been hectic as people did their last minute shopping. Shinobi just arrived from out of town rushed to buy gifts for everyone again, cursing their missions and swearing the _next_ year they would buy in advance and not take missions so close to the holiday. They jostled with civilians just out from pulling two weeks overimte. Toys, clothes and books were snapped up, along with _kunai, shuriken,_ and other ninja paraphernalia genin had been bugging mommy and daddy jounin for.

Harry was right in the middle of the whole thing, buying food so he could make ramen for the following day. While his recipe wasn't as good as Ichiraku's– even though he got it from them– he made pretty good ramen. It was so busy at the markets that he wasn't able to flirt down the prices, but that was okay. It took time, and he was in a rush.

Rushing home with his grocery list finally complete– he made a mental note to bring the nurses from the hospital something nice for taking care of his limp– he wormed his way around the crowd. The abundance of lights and decorations made the shinobi-preferred route of roof-hopping something of a nightmare, as one wouldn't be able to go two steps without running into something. Garlands, imported mistletoe, and lamps hung from buildings, which in earlier days would have made tempting targets for rocks or shuriken. Coming to their shabby apartment building, Harry ran up the staris.

Their own apartment really didn't have much in the way of decorations. A set of colored lights Naruto had managed to salvage from the trash when they were younger, a few baubles Sasuke had whose source they never talked about. Some rather dangerous garlands Harry had strung together using discarded shuriken and makibishi. The small tin tree from Iruka-sensei. In recent ears, they'd added an extensive collection of winter and Christmas-themed anime posters. Goddesses, college students, androids, cyborgs, cat-girls, martial artists, aliens, magical girls, mecha pilots and school girls in red with white fuzz trim adorned their walls, with an occasional fur bikini thrown in.

"Minna, I'm home!" Harry cried, giving Myrtle a quick peck on the cheek as she kept staring at the decorations. "Don't frown like that Myr-chan, your face will get locked like that."

The frown was wiped as the ghost blushed silver. Giving her a wink, Harry went into the kitchen to put aside the groceries. "So, where are the squirts?"

"Well, Naruto-kun went to give Iruka-sensei his presents, and Sasuke-kun is doing the same with the Hokage," Myrtle said as she phased in after him. "They left just a while ago."

Harry raised an eyebrow at her. "So we're alone?" he said teasingly.

She blushed harder. "Yeah, we're alone."

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Christmas morning opened with the three boys getting into an impromptu pillow fight that soon had Harry heavily outnumbered. Myrtle pitched in, the freezing effect of her transition causing Sasuke and Naruto to fumble enough for their brother to get a few good shots in.

Then they went to open the presents…

"Whoa…" Naruto and Sasuke gasped, staring at their little tin tree, which was short enough to stow under their dining table. The veritable sprawl of presents around it made it look even smaller. The whole thing looked like a bizarre miniature city. Harry blinked, took off his glasses, wiped them on his shirt, put them back on and stared. Seeing that the presents hadn't disappeared, he took off his glasses again and frowned. "Myr-chan," he said as Naruto and Sasuke continued to stare, shell-shocked. "I know the old man Hokage drops by during the night and leaves, but where did the rest of this stuff come from?"

Myrtle blinked at that, seeming to consider for a moment. "Well, I don't know about the Hokage," she said, finding it hard to see the scrawny old man in a Santa suit, "but a lot of this stuff was Portkeyed in last night. Popped up like _that_." She snapped her fingers for emphasis.

That seemed to be some kind of signal, because it snapped the younger pair out of their trance. "_PRESENTS!_" they both cried, launching themselves at the biggest pile of loot to ever appear in their apartment. A blink later, and Harry was right with them.

Myrtle frowned, about to get mopey when a chakra-charged hand reached out of the pile and pulled her in with them.

"Hey, Mrs. Weasley sent us something," Sasuke said later after much horsing around. He opened a packeage to reveal a navy blue sweater with an 'S' on it.

"Guess she didn't want to send stuff to just me," Harry said, slipping on his own sweater and taking the mince pies and Chirstmas cake to the kitchen.

"Hermione-nechan sent us pocketknives," Naruto said, looked too blindingly bright in his orange sweater, handing Sasuke the present he got.

Sasuke perused the short note from the witch. "She says 'thank you' for the bats," he read.

"They're actually using those on him?" Myrtle said.

"Apparently, he needs to be brought back in line a lot."

Ginny had sent the pair a lot of chocolate, not knowing them well enough to get them something else, while Mrs. Weasley had included a lot of food like what she'd sent Harry. The Weasley twins had sent both boys a box of pranks each, quickly hidden when Harry wasn't looking. The note in Sasuke's box already recommended something to use on Harry. The boy decided he could learn to like those two after all.

Some time later, wrappings liberally covered the floor as the inevitable aftermath of the present massacre followed. Anko, surprisingly, had sent Harry a pair of metal shin-guards similar to her own. The package, of course, was booby-trapped, but fortunately they managed to avoid the worst of the spray of needles. Harry called bids on that loot too. Hinata had sent some stuff yesterday as well; Sasuke got a pair of white leather hose accessories with metal-lined insides he could use as arm-guards; Harry got another stash of medical supplies; and Naruto a whole new set of ninja gear.

"You know, I'm getting the feeling she likes you more," Harry said with exaggerated slyness.

"Yeah," Sasuke butt in. He grinned at Naruto. "Maybe you should ask her out on a date as a thank you?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "The only reason she likes me more is because you guys run her ragged during training, so she's not feeling too generous towards you." That said, he opened the other presents from Hinata, which included a boxed set of Dragon Ball Z episodes, as well as other anime.

Later, as Harry and Sasuke bashed their heads against trees, they pondered the possibility of that statement. She could have sent him FMA, but _no_, it _had_ to be **Dragon Ball Z, **the déjà vu scream-fest where no one died and man-breasts gave power…

Iruka had sent them chocolate cake, which, given his meager salary, was very generous of him. Sasuke's various fangirls sent him stuff too, nearly all of which was thrown out the curb unopened (Naruto and Myrtle, rooting through it later, was very interested to note that the one's from Sakura and Ino were missing). Harry got his own share of gifts from women, although less than Sasuke's. _Those_ he kept. After all, he didn't want to seem rude…

And a few days after Christmas, an owl dropped off a broom.

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Though he enjoyed being with his brothers, Harry was glad to be back at Hogwarts. He opened the new year by sticking a delayed activation Dung Bomb to the tail of Malfoy's robe (come the welcoming feast, no one wanted to sit next to him) and making such a nuisance of himself that Hermione grabbed Ginny's bat and attacked him two-handed.

"Mate, I just have to know, are you suicidal or something?" Ron said as they sat around the common room after the chase that followed. Close by, the twins were reading a letter together, while Neville searched under a chair for Trevor. Ginny had dragged Hermione off to berate her for taking her bat without permission.

"Probably," Harry said dryly as he leaned back on his chair, rubbing his head where Hermione had made contact. "When the twins graduate, we should really consider recruiting that girl as a Beater."

The twins looked up at that mention, but before they could speak, Wood approached.

"Had a good Christmas?" he said, then without waiting for an answer, sat down and lowered his voice. "I've been doing some thinking over Christmas, Harry. After the last match, you know. If the Dementors come to the next one… I mean… we can't afford you to– well– "

"Fall where no one will catch me?" Harry said, raising an eyebrow. "Don't worry, I've arranged to get training against Dementors. Believe, I would like nothing better than for them to not be able to do what they do against me."

"Ah," Wood said. "Well, in that case– I really don't want to lose you as a Seeker, Harry. And have you ordered a new broom yet?"

Harry shook his head. "Not yet. I don't want to order one and find out the Firebolt I got for Christmas wasn't sabotaged after all–"

That was as far as Harry got before he suddenly found himself crowded by four rabid, enthusiastic Quiidditch players. "A _Firebolt_? No! Seriously? A– a real _Firebolt_?"

"Guys?" Harry said sweetly. "Personal space please?"

Ron, Wood and the twins stepped back all of three inches. "You've got a Firebolt? Where?"

"Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were–"

"You're not putting us on, are you Harry? Because if you are–"

"– We're really going to be pissed."

"I don't have it with me now," Harry explained. "Gave it to McGonagall. She said she and Flitwick would strip it down–"

"**_STRIP IT DOWN?-!-?-!-?_**" the four gasped in horror.

Harry stuck a finger in his ear. "All right, hearing and hygiene becoming an issue," he said as he wiped his face.

"Why," Wood said, sounding like he was being strangled, would you give a Firebolt to McGonagall so she can s-st-str–… do **_THAT_** to it?-!-?""

"Because," Harry explained in the tone one used to reason with kindergarteners, "it was sent to me without a card, without a return address, and without an explanation. I have no idea who sent it to me, and I already know there are people out there who want me dead. A sabotaged broom that can do sixty is a pretty spectacular way to die, but die I will if it _is_ sabotaged. And I don't know about you, but I have two little brothers back home to take care of, so I'd rather not kick the bucket right now, okay?"

----------------------------------------

Harry's anti-Dementor lessons with Lupin were pretty slow. Since they couldn't have a Dementor to practice on, Lupin had him practicing the Patronus Charm, which was pretty darn hard by itself as it was. While Harry was glad he didn't have to try doing it with a Dementor in the room, he was privately concerned about how effective it would actually be against one.

So, stupid idiot that he was, Harry decided to find out.

----------------------------------------

Harry stealthily walked down the face of Gryffindor Tower, hoping that the pillow he'd henged to look like him wouldn't be disturbed, otherwise he was _so_ busted, plus he'd have a lot of explaining to do. He'd forgone the Invisibility Cloak tonight, since it was too windy to do much good. Instead, he wore his standard shinobi outfit, figuring it would be appropriate wear for tonight's test. The guards Anko had sent him felt funny on top of his leg bandages, but he still wasn't used to them. The heavy one his left arm pulled him down a little, but he barely noticed it anymore unless he wasn't vertical.

Reaching the base of the tower, he dropped down to the ground and carefully began making his way to the front gates, Marauders Map in hand.

He felt the cold way before he reached it as the faint screaming began in his head. Stopping before it got worse, he considered the distance. The full moon helped him make out the black-cloaked forms of the Dementors guarding the gates. From this angle, they didn't look like much, and for that he was grateful. Experimentally, he began to inch closer…

Idiot.

----------------------------------------

It is a very stupid idea to try and sneak up on Dementors. A pity no one told Harry that before hand… although he really should have been able to put it together from what Dumbledore said about them not being fooled by Invisibility Cloaks.

"Crapcrapcrapcrap(_BLEEP_) (_BLEEP_) (_BLEEP_) **(_BLEEP_) (_BLEEP_) (_BLEEP_) (_BLEEP_)! (_BLEEP_)! (_BLEEP_)! (_BLEEP_)**" Harry kept swearing under his breath as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him back to the castle. He kept glancing over his shoulder. Though they were out of his sight, he knew the Dementors were closing in. the screaming had gotten louder in his mind's ear, and blurry visions kept trying to float into his field of vision. Already, red eyes dominated his sight, alternating between the red-fanned form of **_HIS_** eyes and the vertical-slitted ones of Voldemort, the former more than the latter. Cold tried to sap at his muscles, but he pressed on, flicking his wand-cored dagger over his shoulder and trying to cast the Patronus Charm whenever he wasn't using his mouth to curse.

He was shaking in cold and desperation by the time he reached the castle's walls. Nevertheless, it took only one look over his shoulder to get the chakra moving to his feet. Gryffindor Tower was too far away for him to reach quickly, but there seemed to be an open window above him…

Harry collapsed into the room on his back, heart pumping, lungs straining, blood cold. He closed his eyes, concentrating on breathing and not letting the bile leave his mouth as he tried to push the memories of blood and red eyes away, tried not to scream as the memory of phantom pain came to him…

He didn't know how long he lay there, but eventually his limbs stopped shaking against the cold stone at his back as the Dementor's influence waned. It was quite likely he'd have fallen asleep, except…

_Snort_

Harry's eyes snapped open, his reflexes coming to the fore as he jumped to his feet, hand going for the dagger at his shoulder.

At least, that's what he tried to do…

Nausea gripped him, his dagger dropping to the ground as he lost his grip on it. He fell to his knees, and was barely able to move his head aside before he lost what was left of his dinner. Wearily, he raised his head.

A wolf stood before him, it's golden eyes staring into his own…

"H-hey," Harry said shakily, one hand stupidly reaching towards it…

Warmth and oblivion followed…

----------------------------------------

"So you're a werewolf?" Harry said as he accepted the tea Lupin handed him. Man, had he had a disturbing morning. Waking up next to you naked teacher was creepy enough. Waking up next to you naked teacher with your arms around his shoulders…!

No. Just… no.

Shaking such thoughts out of his mind, he listened to Lupin's story about how he was bitten as a boy, how he was ostracized because of it, and couldn't help comparing his teacher to his blond little brother…

Fortunately, Lupin didn't seem to report him for his midnight excursion, for which he was pretty grateful. He _really_ didn't want to have to explain what he was doing…

----------------------------------------

The satisfaction of getting his Firebolt back was dulled by Ron and Hermione's feud over Scabber's demise. Harry, having never had a pet, didn't feel he had a right to butt in since in Konoha, shinobi's partnerships with their animal companions were such that they were almost family.

Come the match against Ravenclaw, however…

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"They're off, and the big excitement this match is the Firebolt which Harry Potter is flying for… flying for,,, **_WTF IS THAT BOY DOING?-!-?_**"

Gasps, exclamations and shrill screaming rippled through the spectators and some of the players as Harry shot through the air, his head thrown back in laughter, arms held out to either side to catch the wind. Both his chakra-charged feet rested easily on the pads he'd lashed onto his Firebolt to protect it from possible chakra-surges. He streaked past Katie Bell, laughing again at the shrill scream she gave as she buzzed her upside-down. Ah, he'd been _so_ wanting to this on Nim-chan before she was destroyed.

Cho Chang seemed as thrown off by his unexpected flying maneuvers, allowing him precious moments to search for the Snitch. The larger profile he presented to the wind because of his position slowed him down, but the maneuverability he gained from it– all he had to do was swivel his hips and presto!– greatly made up for it. It was useful for when she kept trying to cut him off, which she did a lot off.

"Show her your acceleration, Harry!" Fred yelled as he passed by in pursuit of a Bludger.

Taking his friend's advice, Harry changed his tactics, bending his leading leg 'til his knee was below the broom's shaft and gripping the few inches of the end. Now modified into a bullet, he left Chang in the dust as the two of them rounded the Ravenclaw goalposts. Gold caught his eye just as Katie scored the first goal of the game, and without hesitation he was moving towards it, crouched low on his broom, one hand holding the haft to keep him in place against g-forces lest he be thrown off despite his chakra, the other reaching ahead…

His instincts screamed at him to jump and he was flipping into the air over his broom, a Bludger passing through his recently vacated spot a moment later. Terrified exclamations rang through the crowd as he landed back facing the other way, losing sight of the Snitch in the process…

"And Potter makes an impossible dodge as he rides his broom in reverse, Merlin what is that (bleep)-er thinking– "

"**JORDAN!**"

Harry flipped back into position, catching the flutter of wings coming from the Gryffindor goalpost. He dropped down again, accelerating, but before he'd gotten far, Cho appeared out of thin air, blocking his path, a mischievous, challenging grin dancing on her lips…

He ignored Wood screaming at him as he swerved to avoid her, heading for air, and watching her follow him out of the corner of his eye.

"Why miss Chang," Harry called out through the distance between them, putting as much charm into it as he could at that volume, "are you stalking me? Trying to get me alone and at your mercy?"

Chang childishly stuck her tongue out at him as laughter rippled out below them– Lee made a comment about his womanizing tendencies– and in that moment, he saw it a third time; the Snitch glittering gold above the Ravenclaw end of the field.

Quickly, he closed the distance between him and Chang, and she tried to draw back, but brooms weren't made to go in reverse. He smiled at her, knowing he hit pay dirt when she suddenly gulped and blushed, staring at him. He tried to maintain eye contact even as he moved his head to see the Snitch in his peripheral view; it was still there, but for how much longer… "You know, there more fun ways you can use that tongue of yours," he said breathily, leaning forward as slowly as he dared, praying that the Snitch wouldn't move, praying she'd fall for it.

Closer… closer….

The Snitch was still there…

Closer…

Trembling, Cho closed her eyes and leaned forward…

In a heartbeat, Harry dropped out of his broom, pulling it with him and repositioning himself back on it way beneath Chang. It was accelerating even before he was properly mounted– the normal way; speed was the key, now– speeding towards the Snitch…

There was a cry below and he risked a look down, noted the dark, hooded shapes and didn't even pause to think, putting his contingency plan into action. He still wasn't doing so well with the Patronus Charm, so…

A load of Dung Bombs– which, he had found, were pretty flammable– and a Butterbeer Molotov cocktail quickly dropped down from above…

----------------------------------------

The field was in chaos when he came down with the Snitch after Madam Hooch's whistle.

"I never touched her! There's no rule against trying to seduce the Seeker into submission, now is there?" he called out to a group of angry students, not all Ravenclaw and not all boys, who he was sure was Chang's fan club. "No harm, no foul!"

Out in the field, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Flint were still being hosed down as they struggled to get out of their smoldering pseudo-Dementor robes that had been liberally splashed with Dung Bombs; the tail of Flint's still had a tiny flame burning on it…

As they headed back to the locker rooms followed by a veritable party, they passed the Ravenclaw team. Harry hesitated only a moment heading towards Cho.

"Hey," he said to get her attention and when she turned, he gave her the best kiss he knew how to. She was trembling when he finally let her go, licking her lips as if uncertain what had happened. "Great game. If you want, I'll teach you about those fun things to do with tongues later…"

Winking at her, he turned away and went to party…

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Later that night, it was all anyone could do to keep Harry from haring off to hunt Sirius Black by himself. In the end, Professor McGonagall had to restrain him with the Full Body Bind after they'd caught him trying to go out the window with his Firebolt twice.

When he was finally freed the next day, Harry immediately went on his own campaign to find out how Black was getting in. He personally booby-trapped the tunnel to Honeydukes– telling the twins to prevent any nasty incidents; nevertheless, they had to go to Madam Pomfrey a couple of times for unusual injuries that Harry knew were caused by _kunai_ and _shuriken_.

Hermione was dismayed to find out that Harry apparently _hadn't_ gotten over his 'Kill Black' thing over the holidays, but there wasn't much she could do to convince him to give over between her feud with Ron and her own studying.

Harry skipped the next Hogsmeade visit, locking himself down in the Chamber– he was getting used to living with the smell– and training himself into the ground. He'd built a makeshift dummy and made it look as much as Black as possible, then tested out his knowledge of the body's weak points and his own control of chakra strings on it until it was ripped to bits. He went through a lot of dummies.

----------------------------------------

When the match against Hufflepuff came, it barely lasted ten minutes. Harry, on a whim, tried the same kiss mind-game against Diggory. The Team Captain completely went to pieces, blabbering on about how he didn't swing that way and how he should have known Harry did considering how he acted with Snape…

In the end, Harry almost lost the Snitch because he was too busy laughing.

And then came the Gryffindor-Slytherin rematch…

----------------------------------------

"Captains, shake hands!" Madam Hooch barked.

Harry took the time the two were using to break each other's fingers to deliberately look Malfoy up and down and pretend to gag. "Just for the record, _uke_," he told Malfoy. "I wouldn't kiss you if it guaranteed Gryffindor's victory for the next thousand years, so you can stop dreaming."

Malfoy glared at him as the Gryffindor team snickered behind Harry.

"Mount your brooms! Three… two… one…"

A whistle, and they were off…

----------------------------------------

Tests are the bane of a student's existence. A week of it is enough to get anyone on the verge of a breakdown.

Harry managed to survive until his second to last test. The DADA obstacle course was pathetically easy– for him, anyway– that is until he came to the last obstacle: a trunk with a Boggart…

----------------------------------------

Everyone watching was nervous as they watched Harry climb into the trunk. There was a moment of silence, and then…

Everyone jumped back as the top of the trunk burst open, revealing the apparently defecated-on corpse of Draco Malfoy. Close behind was a maniacally laughing Harry waving his wand around like a conductor's baton. "Dance, Boggy, dance!" he cried as the corpse-boggart went into a series of spastic twitches that could barely be called a dance.

"Well, you're supposed to fight a boggart with laughter, so…" Lupin shrugged as he marked up Harry's grade.

----------------------------------------

"Yeh made the boggart _dance?_" Hagrid said incredulously, looking at Ron and Hermione for confirmation.

"He did," the witch said disgustedly, while Ron was busy snickering over the mental image again.

Harry just shrugged. "Hey, it's hard to make my fear funny," was all he said.

Ron and Hermione, remembering said fear, wisely tried to change the subject.

"Oh, that reminds me Ron," Hagrid said as he stood up and went to a cupboard. "I found something of yours."

"Scabbers!" Ron said, and Harry sighed as he and Hermione started playing the blame game, his mind drifting to what Trelawney had said during his test…

----------------------------------------

"You know Ron, Muggles sell this clear sphere that you can keep your rodent-type pets in so that it stays manageable but still thinks it's free," Harry said dryly and with a little annoyance as they walked back towards the castle under the Cloak. Scabbers had been making a fuss for a wile now, and it was really getting on his nerves. He'd forgotten how awkward it was to share the stupid thing…

"Hey, is that Crookshanks?"

The next few minutes were a mess as Scabbers finally managed to get away from Ron, Crookshanks chasing him and Ron going after them. Harry and Hermione followed behind, Harry trying to bundle up the Cloak as he ran so that it would catch the wind and slow him down. Thus, he almost fell over Ron and Hermione when they stopped in front of him.

"A little warning next time guys," Harry said irritably he reached to help Hermione stand, but even a he pulled her upright, _something_ suddenly streaked out of the darkness and struck his chest, _hard_. He fell over on his back, hair, teeth and breath in his face a moment before it disappeared.

Harry has up as quickly as he could, surprised at the sudden attack. His hand reached towards his pouch but hesitated a moment, torn between going for his wand or a _kunai._

In that hesitation, the dog– it _was_ a dog– struck again, pushing Harry to the side and causing him to stumble back. It clamped on to Ron's arm, and Harry jumped the dog, futilely trying to get a grip on it's hair…

Instincts screamed at him a moment before _something_ struck Harry full across the face and knocking him off the dog. He felt his glasses dig into his face but didn't feel it break, and thanked Hinata for the duty-grade specs. He heard Hermione cry out in pain as well, heard her fall, and he reached for his wand–

"_Lumos!_"

The light showed him where they were: in the shadow of the Whomping Willow.

"(BLEEP)!" Harry swore, quickly grabbing Hermione and pulling her out of range. Ron was being dragged between the tree's roots. Harry cried out his name, trying to go towards him. A heavy branch whipped through the air, and the shinobi wizard leapt over it, rolling past and dodging the following branches as he tried to reach his friend. A sickeningly familiar crack cut through the air: and Harry's blood ran cold as he recognized the sound of a bone breaking. He tried moving forward, but this close the tree's branches were thick enough to impede him, and it was all he could do to avoid getting a serious injury. As it was, he was steadily acquiring bruises from the branches he couldn't completely dodge…

When it all suddenly stopped.

Uncertainly, Harry straightened, muscles tensed to spring as he stared down at the branches that only a moment ago had been trying to pound him to death.

"Crookshanks!" Hermione whispered…

----------------------------------------

Harry had his wand in one hand and a _kunai_ in the other as he and Hermione approached the open door. Harry kicked the door open, ready to throw the knife at anything that wasn't Ron as Hermione leveled her wand. Ron lay on a dusty four-poster bed, his broken leg at an angle and obviously in pain. Hermione dashed towards him, concern winning over caution, and it was all Harry could do to remember procedure and cover her from behind, approaching more slowly…

"Harry, LOOK OUT!"

"_Petrificus Totalus!_"

Harry felt his limbs suddenly grow stiff as the spell struck him from behind as Ron's warning came too late. Unable to keep his balance, he fell ,staring up at the ceiling as another spell rang through to disarm Hermione.

A man stepped into his field of view, filthy matted hair all the way down to his elbows, with deep eye sockets, and tight, waxy skin. Sirius Black.

"I thought you'd come and help your friend," he said hoarsely. "You're father would have done the same thing for me. Brave of you not to run for a teacher. But then, leaf-nin always put their friends before the rules…"

Hate battled with shock at those, and Harry almost didn't need the spell on him to keep him still. **_Leaf-nin_**…?

----------------------------------------

"_Expelliarmus!_" Lupin shouted.

The wands Hermione held after she and Ron– despite his broken leg– had tried to subdue Black went flying, as did Harry's own wand and the weapons he'd been about to pin-cushion Black with. He spun, surprised at the teacher's interference. He was so close! So **close…!**

With a strangled cry, he launched himself at Black, his clawed fingers beginning to close themselves around the man's throat…

A blast of magic pulled him away from the convict, slamming him into the closest wall, and before he knew it, he was under the Full Body Bind again.

If he'd been able to, he'd have howled in fury.

"Where is he, Sirius?" Lupin said…

----------------------------------------

"NO!" Hermione screamed, "Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black into the castle, he wants you dead too– _he's a werewolf!_"

There was silence. Then:

"Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione," Lupin said. "Only one out of three, I'm afraid, and the third is only for posterity. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle, and I certainly don't want Harry dead… and he already knew I was a werewolf."

"WHAT?-!-?"

----------------------------------------

"There," Lupin said as e released Harry from the Full Body Bind and stuck his wand into his belt. "You're armed, we're not. Now will you listen?"

Harry glared at him, shifting his eyes between Lupin and Sirius. His heart raged at him, screaming at him to kill the man, to end it now, to make his blood flow like the tide…! With an effort, he reigned himself in. Lupin had revealed himself to him. True, it was out of necessity, but what he'd revealed was a secret as taboo as Naruto's own. He owed the man that much. "Fine!" he ground out, reaching into his pouch and pulling out his dagger. He thrust his wand into it. "Make it worth it, Lupin, because one way or another, some is going to die tonight. How did you know we were here?"

"The Map," Lupin said. "The Marauder's Map– " quickly Harry checked his pouch again; the Map was gone "– you must have forgotten to put it back that night you came to my office, so I took it…"

----------------------------------------

"What?" Ron said, holding Scabbers close to him as Lupin continued to eye him. "What's my rat got to do with anything?"

"That's not a rat," Black croaked.

"What d'you mean– of course he's a rat–"

"No, he's not," Lupin said quietly. "He's a wizard."

"An Animagus," Black added, "by the name of Peter Pettigrew."

"You're both mental!" Ron said.

"Ridiculous!" Hermione said faintly.

"Prove it."

Everyone's heads snapped towards Harry, who still had his dagger leveled towards Black. His eyes were shadowed by his hair, his face blank. "Prove it," he repeated. "If they're telling the truth…" He trailed off, his voice giving no indication of what he thought. "One way or another, we'll know. And someone is going to die. Give him the rat, Ron."

"Harry, are you insane?" Ron said, aghast and staring at Harry like he'd grown a second head.

"**GIVE HIM THE RAT!**" Harry screamed, wispy green jets of sickening light sparking from the end of his wand-cored dagger, lighting up Black's face.

There was a loud creak as the door suddenly opened of it's own accord. Lupin strode towards it and looked out into the landing. "No one there…"

"This place is haunted!" Ron said.

Harry, meanwhile, looked at the tip of his finger, and took a tentative whiff of the air. "So glad you could join us, Professor Snape," he said towards empty air. "Been working with nightshade tonight, have we?"

A beat. Then…

"You have a good nose, Potter," a cold voice sneered just before Snape pulled off the Invisibility Cloak, his Wand pointing at Lupin.

Harry gave a humorless smile. "You _are_ my favorite teacher," he said, and Black's head snapped towards him in shock. "Come to make sure we're all right?"

Snape returned the smile just as humorlessly. His eyes held cold fire. "Lupin forgot his Potion tonight, so I thought I'd bring him some. It was very lucky I did. I happened to come upon a certain map on his desk…"

"I thought you know how to use that thing, Lupin?" Harry said. "Remember the part about cleaning up after yourself?"

"Severus–"

"I've told the Headmaster again and again that you've been helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin, and here's the proof. Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout–"

"Severus, you're making a mistake– "

"Two more for Azkaban tonight…"

"_One_," Harry corrected sharply. He moved the tip of his dagger closer to Black. "One way or another, someone is going to die tonight…"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Well, well, Potter," he drawled. "Perhaps I've misjudged you after all…"

"Ron, the rat," Harry ordered. "We do this **_now_**. Give the rat to Lupin, or I kill Black."

"Very misjudged…"

"Harry, this is mad…!"

"One…"

"Come off it, mate…"

"Two…"

"How do we even know this is the right– "

"Three! _AVADA KEDAVRA!_"

The wooden paneling half an inch from Black's head exploded as the green jet of deadly light blasted into it. Hermione shrieked as Ron gave out his own yell, his hands tightening around Scabbers. The three adults were silent. Black and Lupin looked at him like they'd never seen him before, and Snape wasn't far off.

Coolly, Harry pointed his dagger straight back at Black. "I mean it Ron. The next one goes through him."

"You… you used a Killing Curse…" Lupin said.

Another mirthless smile. "First spell I ever learned. The rat, Ron. NOW!"

Shaking, Ron handed them Scabbers…

----------------------------------------

"Well, hello, Peter," Lupin said. "Long time no see."

"S-sirius… R-remus…" Pettigrew squeaked. "My friends… my old friends…"

"Am I a friend as well, Pettigrew?" Snape asked coldly.

"S-severus..."

"(Bleep), he's worse than Hinata," Harry grumbled…

"We'd like to clear up one or two little matters with you, Peter…" Lupin continued.

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Harry had never dreamed things would turn out this way. Scant minutes before, he'd been ready to tear Black apart with his bare hands, and now… He looked at the people ahead of him and Hermione. Lupin, Pettigrew and Snape were chained together to prevent the rat Animagus from escaping. Ron and Sirius followed, the latter holding up the former so he could walk.

"Harry," Hermione said quietly as they made their slow progress down the tunnel. "That spell you used back there…"

"Not now Hermione," Harry said. "Later, I promise."

"Harry… that spell is illegal."

"Only if you use it on a human."

"Harry…"

"Later, Hermione."

There was silence.

"All right… I trust you…"

"Harry," Sirius said suddenly up ahead, turning his head slightly to face them. "Turning Pettigrew in… you know this means…"

"That you're free," Harry said. "And, um… I'm really sorry about trying to kill you back there. I'd thought that you were… well…"

"I understand, I guess," Sirius said. "No harm done. You didn't manage to kill me after all…"

"You think they'll let us kill the rat ourselves?" Harry said wistfully. Hermione gave him a look.

"We can hope," Sirius said, equally wistful. "But the thing is, Harry… well, your parents appointed me your guardian in case anything happened to them…"

"You…?" Harry said. "My guardian…?"

"I understand if you don't want me," Sirius said quickly. "You seem pretty happy as it is… I just thought…"

"Hey, of course you can be my guardian!" Harry said. "There's no way you can do a worse job than Jiraiya."

At this, three heads snapped to look at him. "_Jiraiya?-!-?_" Lupin, Black and Snape chorused.

"Well, yeah," Harry said. "How do you think I've got access to so much Icha Icha?"

"Well, that explains it," Snape muttered. Lupin nodded in agreement.

"Icha Icha?" Black repeated. "Don't tell me he actually got around to selling that smut?"

"Hey!" Harry said. "Watch it! That's my source of revenue you're talking about!" A pause. "So, when can you move in with us? You understand I won't be able to move out of Kon- my village, so you'll have to stay there. Unless you have a house or something, in which case it's going to become pretty tempting, especially if my brothers and I each have our own rooms–"

"You have brothers?" Black said, surprised.

"Adopted," Harry said. "Wait 'til you meet them. The three of us make you Marauders look outdated."

For the first time all night, Sirius looked like the man in the photo of Harry's parents wedding.

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"Run," Sirius whispered as the light of the full moon bathed Lupin's convulsing form. "RUN! NOW!"

"Ron! Hermione! Move it!" Harry cried as he pulled out his dagger. Snape was busy trying to grapple with Pettigrew and move away from Lupin at the same time. Sirius changed shape, charging forward to grab the werewolf's neck and pull away from the two. Harry leveled his dagger, but he couldn't get a clear shot–

Snape gave a loud 'oof!' of expelled air as Pettigrew managed to elbow him in the stomach; he dived for Lupin's wand, and in the next instant Snape was blasted unconscious. Another blast, and Crookshanks was down as well.

"_Expelliarmus!_" Harry cried, sending Lupin's wand fling, but by then it was too late; Pettigrew had transformed, his tail whipping through the manacle still on Snape as he scurried through the grass…

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It was all Harry could do not to lose himself in his own mind as the Dementors surrounded them. Visions of dead Uchiha, of green jets of light that wasn't his and maniacal laughter, of screams from those he'd known so briefly and those he'd never really known at all except in stories. Cold tried to grip his heart as he futilely blasted silvery wisps at them from the end of his dagger. He managed to a misty burst that hovered between them and him as he felt Hermione join Sirius into unconsciousness…

"_Expecto– expecto patronum– _"

His knees shook, wanting to drop down, but he forced himself upright, forced himself to put aside the mental assault as he tried to keep himself functioning, tried to keep himself from losing coherence. Sirius said he'd kept himself going by concentrating on a thought that wasn't happy…

A half-formed notion came to him, a gamble. He risked a glance to the side, at the two people unconscious close to him, with no one else to protect them…

A shinobi is strongest when they a have someone to protect… 

Harry tried to hold the thought to himself even as the Dementors sucked away the light and warmth of the memory of the Hokage and Iruka, of Naruto and Sasuke, of the two next to him, of all the people he'd tried to protect. It wasn't enough. Not even close…

A gamble was all he had…

Sending a prayer to anyone who might be listening and feeling generous, he steeled himself and allowed them to drop him into memories of blood and red-eyed weasels.

The indistinct, silvery mist at the end of his wand died as he returned to memories he would give nearly anything to change…

A shudder ran through the Dementors as he apparently surrendered, and they swarmed in…

Harry's eyes snapped open as his chakra surged, crying for blood. He bared his teeth, grip tightening on the dagger as he cried out.

"**_ITACHI!_**"

In an instant, he was slamming into the Dementors, mind screaming as he concentrated on a memory of red eyes and red moons. The Dementors kept drawing on his emotions, but his anger burst forth, cold as the grave yet hotter than suns. It definitely wasn't a happy memory. Far from it.

Flame sprang from his mouth, and the Dementors drew back, their robes on fire, burning even as he surged, vowing vengeance against them who hurt his precious people so, who would dare move against them…

He didn't know how long he struck back in his haze of anger and vengeance, couldn't really care. His last memory was falling into a cold abyss as the light moved away from him, emerald eyes staring into his own…

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Harry felt solid ground beneath his feet as everything came back into focus. He and Hermione were standing in the deserted entrance hall, golden sunlight falling across the floor from the open front doors. "Hermione, what– ?"

"In here!" Hermione said as she seized Harry's arm and dragged him across the hall to the door of a broom closet, dragging him in with her. Force of habit came back before sense.

"Oh, Hermione, this is so sudden!" Harry gushed. "I never expected you to be so forward. What will we tell Ron and Ginny…?"

Bonk! Hermione had pretty good aim, even in the dark.

"Be serious, you Casanova-wannabe!" Hermione hissed at him. "We've gone back in time about three hours. Right about now, the three of us are going down to Hagrid's to talk after our exams!"

Harry blinked, processing that. "Well, _that _explains how you've been getting to all your classes…" His eyes lit up. "Can I…?"

"**_NO!_**" Hermione hissed as loudly as she could. "See, this is _exactly _why I wasn't supposed to let you know about this!"

Harry pouted. "You're no fun."

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After a hasty conference, they decided to split up: Harry went up into Gryffindor Tower to get his Firebolt, since they'd need to get into the air to get Sirius out– that was Dumbledore's oblique recommendation, anyway– while Hermione went to keep watch over their past selves.

Harry stayed hidden, wishing he had his Cloak now. Still, he managed to get up and out with the broom in his hands. Ahh, he loved being a shinobi.

"Hey," Harry said as he joined Hermione where she was keeping watch on the Whomping Willow. She jumped at his greeting, surprised he'd found her. He dropped down to a manageable level next to her. "Get on. It's easier to hide in the air."

Hermione eyed him and the broom warily.

"Look, no loop-de-loops, okay? Will you just get on!" Harry said.

Hermione sighed, before moving to join him. It was tight on the broom, so they had to bunch up as Harry took them up to where there was cover. "Harry, there's something I don't understand… "

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Hermione stared in wide-eyed horror as the raging devil on the other shore ripped into the ranks of Dementors. She watched as burst of flame sprang into being, sending the Dementors reeling as their robes caught fire while the past Harry tried to protect her and Sirius with the fervor of a rabid dog.

It made her skin crawl to look at it.

Yet even she could see he was failing. The flames became smaller, movements jerkier. The Dementors began to close…

And the Harry next to her took action.

"_Expecto Patronum!_" he cried, a dazzling silver animal bursting from the tip of his wand. It charged at the Dementors, sending them reeling back, back into the darkness…

As it cantered back towards them, she could have sworn the Harry on the other shore stared at them before he fell unconscious with his friends…

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The broom was an even tighter fit with three people on it, and Hermione almost fell off when Sirius got on– she barely managed to stifle her scream– but soon the three of them were dropping down onto the battlements on top of the West Tower.

"Sirius, you'd better go, quick" Harry said as he handed Sirius the Firebolt. "The Dementors will be at Flitwicks office any minute. You have to be gone by then."

Sirius hesitantly took the broom. "What happened to the other boy? Ron?"

"He's fine. Out like a light, though. Professor Snape's okay too."

Sirius looked disappointed at that news.

"How can I ever thank–"

"Look, let's do the good byes later all right? You have to go!" Harry urged.

Sirius mounted the broom, pushing off slightly into the air. "We'll see each other again…" he said. "You are– truly your father's son, Harry…"

Harry smiled. "Sirius, do you know how to get to my village?" he said, tapping his forehead protector.

Sirius blinked in surprise, but nodded. Harry started digging into his pouch for a pen and spare parchment. "Go there. I'll tell the Hokage to expect you. Here's my address. I'm sure my brothers will understand."

Sirius took the scrap Harry had written on as he'd spoken, staring at it in disbelief. "Your address…?"

The shinobi grinned at him. "Hey, if you're going to be my guardian, you have to be close-by. Take these too," he handed him three _kunai_. "You know, just in case."

Sirius pursed his lips, then nodded. Offering one last smile, he turned the Firebolt into the night.

"Lucky we don't have any more games," Harry noted as Sirius disappeared. "Or else Wood is going to be _pissed_."

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"_ANIKI_" was the familiar twin cry as soon as Harry stepped off the train onto the platform. Everyone behind him stepped aside as he was tackled by two laughing forms. Next to Myrtle, Jiraiya was giving him as semi-annoyed look.

"I heard you'd gotten yourself a new guardian," the sannin said as the three finally finished their greetings.

"Well, you were being such a dead-beat I thought I'd offer the job to someone else," Harry said as Sasuke went to confer with the Weasley twins. This time, there were not threats of bodily harm.

The old man glared at him. "Sarutobi-sensei is having the ANBU keep an eye out for him," he said in Japanese.

"They know the score?" he answered back in the same way.

"Yeah, so no worries there."

"Good."

"Harry," Myrtle suddenly interrupted from where she was conferring with Ginny and Hermione.

"What's this Hermione's been telling us about a broom closet?" Ginny said as the two glared at him.

Harry gulped, turning towards Jiraiya. "Portkey? Please?"

Off to the side, Naruto was getting to know Ron's new owl…

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– **To be continued…**

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A/N: And the monster is done!

I have lot's of new fanart for this in my devart account. Go to "shadow-crystal-mage. Deviantart. Com" to check it out!

Slytherins have such obvious passwords, especially in fics…

On another note (warning: semi-rant ahead!), a lot of fics make **_such_** a big deal over wandless magic that it's almost a Mary-sue-level plot device. While it is canonically possible–in the first book, Quirell used _Incarcerous_ (or something like it) on Harry and apparently tried to use a curse on him using only a hand seal, note that the first is technically a low-level spell and the other was never completed– the fact of the matter is people make a bigger deal over his Parselmouth ability than any manifestations of wandless magic (Occlumency and Legilimency are wandless and yet no big deal). Hence, why Hermione wasn't making such a big deal about the possibility of it.

Jiraiya just _had_ to ruin Harry's emo-moment, didn't he?

And yeah, my Harry seems definitely on the path to becoming a hunter-nin. Just not any time soon. He's not Kakashi, after all.

As you can see, Harry has a definite reason for being a flirt.

And the Harry/boggart scene redux in the test was inspired by fighting Demyx in KH2. I hate him the second time around. Absurd time limit…

Buckbeak was not put to trial and will not me likely to appear in this story again. Unless things change in the seventh book– coming in July! YAY!– he's been pretty much an add-on that just won't go away through the whole series.

Full Body Bind: the bane of any shinobi if they get hit. Seriously, if this gets you, you are a dead man.

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**Omake: Harry's Fear (suggested by bissek)**

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The boggart became a silvery orb. Lazily, Lupin waved his wand…

_CRACK!_

And Harry stepped forward.

He was wearing his 'do-your-worst' grin as he strove confidently towards the cockroach the boggart had turned into at Lupin's spell, his wand raised and ready…

_CRACK!_

Harry took one look at the boggart, who had turned into a tall, scary-looking woman wearing a tan coat, fishnet shirt and leather skirt and…

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**" Harry screamed girlishly as he dropped his wand and scrambled for the door, clawing at it to open. "**_GET HER AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

Everyone blinked as the boggart began chasing Harry around the room with a knife, while he screamed for Snape.

Lupin blinked as everyone kept out of their way. They were moving too fast to be hit by a spell just yet. "Who's that?" he asked Hermione and Ron, who were both looking queasy.

Everyone in hearing range paled at their answer. "The reason that Harry thinks that Snape is a sweet, patient, impartial and kind teacher," Hermione said. Everyone gasped in horror and moved as far away from the boggart as possible.

"I don't suppose it'll help if we put her in my grandmother's clothes?" Neville asked as the two began running on the ceiling.

"Not likely," Ron said.

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**Omake by bissek**

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It was the last day at the Academy before winter break. Naruto cradled the small box containing his greatest prank ever under his coat. It had taken weeks of careful coordination between him, Harry (Who had come up with the idea, but needed his help to actually pull it off), and the Weasley twins (who had provided critically needed material) to set this up without his other brother learning about it, but it would be worth it to see what happened.

Finally, classes let out for the day. As all the students were milling about in the area in front of the Academy, Naruto pulled out a microphone and made an announcement.

"Attention, ladies of the Shinobi Academy. My brother Harry has asked me to present to you all a very special holiday gift this day."

Everyone paused. Most were wondering what sort of prank Naruto would be pulling if he openly took credit for it in advance. Sasuke was wondering what was going on, as he didn't know of any present Harry wanted to give to his classmates.

Naruto removed the box from under his coat and held it up dramatically. "I present to you all... the Sasuke-seeking mistletoe!" With that he opened the box with a flourish. A small piece of green and white foliage flew out of the box and hovered over Sasuke's head.

There was a moment of silence as everyone considered what Naruto had just did. Then Ino and Sakura began to grin very widely. Half a second later, just about every other girl at the school joined them. Sasuke bolted. Naruto found himself trampled by a herd of stampeding kunoichi.

Thus the most relentless chase in the history of Konoha began. Sasuke vowed he'd get back at his brothers for this prank somehow, a vow that redoubled after he found out that Harry had somehow made the mistletoe immune to fire jutsus.

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**End Omake**

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**bissek **suggests the best omakes… despite my (_ahem_) writing skills, I felt I couldn't add it into the main story without ruining it somehow. Let's just say it happened.

Please check out the Valentine omake, with it's own special place, in my profile.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	15. Daze of Summer

A/N: I notice I've been slowing down my writing and updating. Expect this phenomenon to continue…

Oh, and I _have _read _Deathly Hallows_. It should make for an interesting post time-skip…

And now, S and L in Konoha, Sirius meets Hinata, Anko and Harry talk about underwear, possible werewolf problems, librarians that scare the crap out of red-eyed weasels, and knowledge that warps time and space…

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Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 15: Daze of Summer

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Naruto belongs to Kishimoto, Harry Potter belongs to Rowling. The Mahora Library Exploration Club, belongs to Ken Akamatsu, and the orangutan and the concept of L-Space belongs to Terry Pratchett (WOOT!). This is kind of short, but better than nothing…

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"You know, we really shouldn't be doing this," Sirius said as he held the hard shaft in a loose, almost threatening manner, looming over Harry. "You're much too young… under-aged… you really haven't been properly educated to do this… unless you're really lucky, it's always painful the first time…"

Harry twitched. He couldn't take it any more! "SIRIUS, STOP MAKING SEXUAL INNUENDOES AND PUT MY LEG BACK ON!"

The wizard snickered, and used Harry's wand to reattach his splinched leg. "Tell me again why you're learning to Apparate in a highly unsafe and non-Ministry-Approved manner?"

"Because," Harry said with exaggerated patience as he tested his leg, swinging it back and forth to see if it held on. A part of him was still amazed there was no pain, from either the splinching, the reattachment or the aftermath. "It's a useful– (BLEEP), forget useful: a lot of shinobi would give you both hands for this!– technique, and it's not illegal here!"

Sirius grinned. "Just making sure it was for the right reasons and not, say, so you could take over the world?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why the (bleep) would I want to do that? Do you realize how much paperwork that would entail?"

Off to the side, Remus sighed as the two shared a laugh. "You really shouldn't encourage him like this, Padfoot," he said as he leaned back against a tree, a copy of Icha Icha in hand.

"Don't see you doing anything about it, Moony," the convicted-criminal– who just happened to be innocent– shot back. "No lectures on Ministry safety procedures?"

The werewolf shrugged. "I'm not exactly the Ministry's biggest fan right now," he said, slightly dejected.

Harry glared, although it wasn't directed at either of them. "Those idiots were really out of line, getting you kicked out of the job just because you were a werewolf. Heck, it's not like you can do anything about it besides taking your potion on the full moon!"

Remus sighed, simultaneously long-suffering and exasperated. "I told you Harry," he said in the voice of one who's said it before and never really believed it in the first place. "I resigned on my own. Parents probably wouldn't want a werewolf teaching their kids anyway…"

"_My_ parents would," Harry said staunchly.

Sirius laughed. "He's got you there old boy!" he said, and even Remus cracked a fond smile of remembrance.

The laughter echoed across the training field as the sun shone down upon the Hidden Village– which wasn't particularly hidden, nor was it really small enough to be called just a village– of Konoha. White lines marked landing circles on the field, which wasn't particularly big. A small basket lay to the side next to Lupin, containing their lunches.

"Besides," Harry continued, the tirade one he'd become very staunch about over the past few days after he'd heard it. "They had no call spreading the fact you were a werewolf around like that! Everything was going all right, and it was nearly the end of the year anyway!"

"I put you all in danger– " Lupin began, just as Harry would up his counter of "I'm a shinobi, I can handle– "

"Oh Merlin, not this again!" Myrtle cried as she floated into hearing range, sticking to the dappled shadows and darker areas so that she wouldn't disappear in the full light.

"Myr-chan!" Harry cried as he _almost_ seemed to Apparate next to her, glomped on to her waist. "I missed you! It's been so long!"

Lupin shook his head as Harry went on to make a big production. "_How_ did he end up a necrophile?" he asked, still bemused after three days of seeing his best friend's son in his home village.

Sirius shrugged, the humor Azkaban had futilely tried to wipe out glinting in his eyes. "Maybe it's an Evans thing. Lily _did_ used to have a crush on you…"

Any further words were cut off as Lupin threw the thermos full of hot water– for Harry's instant Ramen 'lunch'– at him.

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Sirius had arrived in Konoha a few days shortly after Harry had. His beard had been, if possible, even more straggly than usual, his prison robes (Harry had needed to wonder about the wizard obsession with robes) more threadbare and sporting bird poop in various places, and he appeared to be extremely fatigued. The ANBU who found him had fortunately been able to identify him as the ally the Hokage had told them to watch for rather than some random skeletal scarecrow themed missing-nin specializing in flying broom _jutsu_ (hey, it happens), so rather than killing him had taken him straight to the hospital (which was not a memorial hospital– they already had one of those).

Harry, utterly exhausted and aching all over after Anko's 'evaluation' of how much he'd learned from the scrolls along with the accumulated aches of the past few days worth of training sessions, nonetheless managed to wake up when the Hokage dropped in to tell him of the situation, panic, over-exert himself in panicking, and promptly pass out.

When both of them woke up, they found themselves sharing the same hospital room.

"Come here often?" Sirius had said weakly by way of greeting.

Harry had looked at the room number, squinted, put on his glasses (which were lying next to him on the bedside table), looked again, and said, "Nah. My usual room's on the opposite wing. Don't the worry though: _all_ the nurses here are _HOT!_"

"Ah," Sirius had said. "That's good to know."

Then he'd blinked and _looked_ at Harry. "Wait a minute… _USUAL_ room? And just how do you know all the nurses are hot?"

Harry grinned weakly. "The life of a shinobi is fraught with peril but lined with hot chicks."

Harry was let out later that day (and almost put back in by Anko, who was _not_ happy that he'd been tardy), while Sirius had to stay a few more days for observation and physical therapy. Not that he really minded. The nurses _were_ hot.

Harry and his brothers visited every chance they got. Considering that Harry usually needed medical aid anyway– for bruises at least, with the occasional cut, gash, cracked bone or severely damaged throat (since Anko seemed oddly fond of going for that) when he didn't do so well or his sensei was in a pissy or playful mood– that was most of the time. The two boys had taken a liking to the former prisoner of Azkaban, especially after they got on to the subject of pranks. Then Harry had to almost (and sometimes _not_ almost) physically drag the two boys away every night.

For Sirius, it was a case of culture shock almost as severe as what Lily had once described to him when she'd first come to Hogwarts. Harry correctly supposed that his godfather had experiences with ninjas in his past, most likely with Jiraiya considering his reaction, but apparently those experiences had given him a rather… _skewed_ view of the profession. He apparently _had_ been to Konoha before, but had never stayed long, only long enough to meet with the Hokage, meet up with whoever ninja he was to work with– Sirius had been a bit vague as to exactly what that work had been, but Harry gathered it must have taken place outside the Hidden Countries, in the Wizarding World– and leave.

While Harry had confirmed that, yes, there was intense training involved, it did _not_ involve funky gravity machines that made you fifty time heavier to build up strength. Weights, while used occasionally, were _not _for everyone, and were _certainly_ not worn at ten tons per limb! And no, demons and pacts with them were certainly _nowhere __**near**_the equation!

Coupled with this, however, was Sirius almost ridiculous reaction the first time Harry had come in with a broken arm. He'd nearly freaked, going all mother hen in a way that had nearly put Mrs. Weasley to shame. Apparently, he'd assumed being a ninja made Harry invincible, but the broken arm had seemingly reduced his overall strength to that of a piece of delicate spun glass. Or perhaps cotton candy. Trying to explain that this was the normal state of affairs had made it even worse. In the end, Harry had stalked out in exasperation and hadn't come back until his arm was well again and he could lift up one end of Sirius' bed with one pinky (all right, three fingers, but hey, he was trying to go for effect here!).

Finally Harry had gotten desperate and asked the Hokage to talk to him. He didn't know what was said, not exactly, but it had left Sirius considerably more mellowed out. Sarutobi told him he'd just told the wizard what he usually told civilian parents whose child had decided to become a career shinobi, but Harry suspected it was a bit more than that. Sirius kept giving him funny looks afterwards.

Upon Sirius' arrival, Harry had immediately owled Dumbledore. Some time later, Hedwig had come back with a reply saying that Lupin would be arriving in a few days to meet up with his friend.

The Uzumaki apartment had gone through a cleaning the likes of which it had never seen, and was quite possibly the first one it had received since Sasuke had moved in. This had brought up a few old report cards, several old and rusty assorted weapons probably crawling with tetanus, some piles of dust (no one admitted to the evidence of not sweeping properly, since they all thought they were the only one who did it), and a few loose sheets of notes. They'd bought a couple of cots, loaded up on groceries, and Harry started getting to work on making some Wolfsbane. It was a good thing he'd taken to spying on how Snape made the stuff after he'd found out about Lupin. Hopefully he wouldn't screw it up…

The minute Sirius got out of the hospital, the Uzumaki's had dragged him off to be 'properly filled up with food'. For them, that meant ramen. Bowls and bowls of ramen.

By the end of it, Sirius didn't know whether he was going to explode, choke or drown.

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By the time Lupin had arrived, Sirius had managed to get acclimatized to Konoha. Meaning, he managed to not lose his head when Harry came back from the hospital still needing bandages from his latest training session with Anko– Harry, after much thought, had decided to do all in his power to keep the two apart, since the resultant explosion might kill both of them; he'd rather Sirius didn't die, and he wanted to kill Anko himself– keeping it limited to nervous twitching and an occasional facial tick. Naruto and Sasuke coming back home with the latter cursing about how unfair it was the blond had managed to make a better explosive device using household chemicals than him no longer caused bug-eyed looks. And Harry making out with Myrtle only bought up comments for them to keep it down.

It helped he was still slightly off-kilter from Azkaban.

Lupin, who had gotten wind of the kind of antics Harry got up to in school, was a bit faster at getting used to things. He'd simply psyched himself into imaging what a Marauder-born Wizard with Shinobi training– and he had Sirius' seriously skewed view of ninja– would do in a town loaded with Zonko products, bladed weaponry, and Casanova charm. The result was so far past off the mark that what Harry _really_ got up to seemed normal enough to only occasion a raised eyebrow.

Harry still kept him away from Anko. Besides the fact he didn't want his former professor to die, he _really_ didn't want to imagine life at Konoha with a werewolf Anko…

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Speaking of Anko, things had been slightly less strained between the two of them compared to last year. For one thing, there had been no need for an epic, legendary, money-making fight between the two of them, although the dango-bitch had roughed him up considerably on the first week as she made sure he hadn't slipped _too_ much while he was away. That meant he had to learn sign-language, since she'd kept going for the throat and it was a pain giving doctors your particulars when you couldn't talk. Thankfully, there were standardized phrases like "arm, simple fracture", "I think I'm concussed", "help, internal bleeding", "I'm seeing double", "Ooh, look at all the pretty colors" and "Anko did it" that made things so much easier.

"Pansy," Anko smirked as she dodged the barrage of _kunai_ Harry sent her way. "You know, you go to the hospital _way_ too much. I hear they got a room all reserved for you there."

"Well, I _know_ for a fact they have a special ward for your victims," Harry snapped back as he snapped his hands up, fingers splayed apart, and tugged. The _kunai_ all seem to pause in mid-air, spin around, and head straight for Anko's back. The wizard thanked the scroll on the theoretical analysis of Wind Country Puppet techniques for helping him refine his control as the points all thudded into Anko.

There was a puff of smoke and a log was suddenly impaled on one side as Harry swore, wildly swinging behind him with his dagger, fist ready to follow through…

"You really think I'd be that predictable?" a voice from the direction he had been facing and close to the ground said, and he suddenly wheezed as a shoulder tackled his side, right under the rib cage. He was thrown over Anko's back and ended up on the ground, looking up at her sneering face as it was outlined in the sky. A foot on his stomach suddenly made it difficult to breath and not hurl. Another foot landed on his dagger hand and snakes were suddenly biting into his other limbs.

Harry bunched up his shoulders for an instinctive retaliation, then relaxed, deciding for once to quit while his head was ringing. It had been, for her, one of the gentlest takedowns he'd been put through. Lying back, he said, conversationally, "Pink? I wouldn't have pegged you for the type to wear that."

Anko shrugged, the snakes biting down a moment and her feet grinding in before she let him go. "They were on sale down at Yuri-chan's store. I figured, why the heck not? A thong's a thong."

Harry cracked his fingers, making sure they were still workable. "Doesn't look right somehow. Pink really doesn't go too well with metal mesh fishnets and leather."

"So? You're the only one who sees it anyway."

"That's not what I hear…"

And with that, Anko made a sweeping kick for Harry's stomach and the fight was on again.

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One fine day in Konoha, Sirius, Lupin and Iruka were walking together as the latter showed them around town properly; that is to say, did more that point out where to get food, porn, anime, ramen, bombs, the way to the hospital, the Hokage monument, and chicks. The Academy teacher and Lupin had hit it off immediately, and were reminiscing the 'joys'/terrors of teaching Harry.

"Laughing like a maniac?" Iruka said, frowning thoughtfully before chuckling in a rueful way. "Yes, that certainly sounds like Harry."

Lupin, having finished give an abbreviated version of Harry's encounters with boggarts, also sighed ruefully, and drew himself up. "I don't suppose you have any way of topping that?"

Iruka thought for a moment, then looked around surreptitiously. "Well, there's really no proof to back it up, but last year, _someone_ used some kind of fecal-matter deploying explosive at the academy and managed to cover nearly every square inch of surface space and definitely every person– and it definitely wasn't Sasuke and Naruto."

Lupin slapped a hand over his eyes as Sirius started snickering uncontrollably. "Dungbombs. Yes, that… certainly sounds like him… not that I'm confirming your theory."

"Understood."

Sirius managed to get himself under control enough to ask: "Tell me, have there been other similar… unexplained incidents?"

"This is a Hidden Village," Iruka said. "There are a lot of unexplained incidents."

"You know the kind I mean!"

Iruka rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, there was that incident with the seduction corps a few years back…"

The other two men blinked at the S word, but before they could inquire further, cursing in a loud and rather familiar voice began to drift towards them. The three turned, and watched as two nearly blurring forms resolved themselves into a young child who looked like he hadn't hit his second digits in years yet and an annoyed looking Harry. Civilians on the ground and shinobi just hanging around moved out of the way, went for a better look and, in the case of some parents, covered their children's ears (even though they likely knew the words already) and glared at Harry.

The kid hit the ground running, his smaller size allowing him to use the crowd as cover, while Harry ran higher up, along the walls of buildings, apparently waiting for his chance. The kid ran through a stretch of relatively clear ground, obviously trying to build up speed, but Harry was ready for him. A flash of light streaked through the air, and suddenly the kid was trying to keep from breaking his face as his legs locked together. Harry was all over him in a second.

"What," he said as he picked up the kid by the back of his shirt and dodging the attempt at a kick, "Have I told you kids about getting away from truant officers? Huh? _WHAT_ have I _repeatedly _told you?"

The kid tried to go for one more kick, then subsided meekly, answering Harry's glare. "We're supposed to stay in one spot and hide in plain sight or, failing that, under _kakuremino no jutsu_ and wait until they stop looking, than be somewhere else."

"And…?"

"And never make it obvious we're truants."

"SEE! Is that so easy to forget? And you want to become ninja. I swear, the quality of kids they let in these days…"

Lupin, Iruka and Sirius stared as the grumbling truant officer shinobi passed by their booth, looking at them as he passed. "Yes, I know it's against all I stand for, but it's a _mission_, damn it!"

There was stunned silence as he moved away. Sirius thoughtfully tapped his fingers.

"What did you say his sensei looked like again?"

Iruka, mindful of Harry's request, kept his mouth shut. Inner Iruka, having gone through hell and back to get Harry to class whenever he felt like cutting and still had to undergo the same with his brothers, danced joyfully, singing about how it was ABOUT TIME THE KID FOUND OUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE ON THE OTHER END!

----------------------------------------

One fine night (when the moon wasn't full), Lupin, Sirius, and Jiraiya (who'd finally blown into town) had all gone drinking to talk about old times, share stories about Harry and reminisce about dead people they all knew. The night wore on, the alcohol flowed freely, and then…

The next morning, the three of them woke up butt-naked on the other side of town, mouth tasting of booze and lima beans. Jiraiya took in his surroundings and growled.

"I am going to _kill_ that brat…" he said, grinding his teeth together.

Sirius shook from the cold as a small part of him thought that, thankfully, there were no Dementors around. "While I would normally applaud any of my godson's pranks, this is going a bit too far." There was a gleam in his eye as he cracked his knuckles. "I think it's time to show him what the Marauders were _really_ made of…"

Lupin spat out a little, tonguing the inside of his mouth. "When did we eat any lima beans?"

Jiraiya bit his tongue and drew blood. Making a set of finger-tangling seals, a giant toad suddenly appeared beneath him. "Get on board. It's high time we showed that brat who's boss."

Saving questions of how the toad got there and how it had gotten that big for later, the two climbed on to it's back and paused.

"Is it just me," Lupin said as they all became aware of the situation they were in, "or is there something inherently _wrong_ about three naked men riding a giant toad?"

The toad turned around as best as he could and glared at the werewolf. "You just _had_ to put it like that, didn't you?"

----------------------------------------

The three's revenge, when it was finally put into play, began with ramen and wasabi, followed by lots of apple syrup and cereal, accompanied by a few helpings of spells that Fred and George would give all their teeth for, and topped off by a huge vat of lima bean soup with lots of starch.

It was not pretty.

----------------------------------------

Sirius looked down at the pale-eyed girl at the door of the Uzumaki apartment, and wondered for a moment whether she was blind. The way she was blinking at him as she looked him up and down said 'probably not' but it might have been a blind ninja thing. Sirius rationalized _everything_ as a 'fill-in-the-blank ninja thing' in this town. "May I help you?" he said in the crude but passable Japanese he'd picked up during the war and more recently during his stay here.

Inexplicably, the girl seemed to shrink in on herself, blushing. Another ninja thing, no doubt. "Um, is Sasuke-san or Harry-san here?"

Sirius blinked, then called out, in English, "Harry, there's a potentially blind girl that looks way too young for you at the door!"

"Sirius!" Lupin admonished, looking up from his copy of Yami no Tsubasa.

"What?"

----------------------------------------

"Well, that was a bust," Sasuke said as he, Harry and Myrtle carried Hinata's unconscious body away from the sight of their latest 'set Naruto and Hinata up together!' scheme. It had involved a length of red ribbon, a rigged draw, Sasuke as bait to give legitimacy to a fake "King and Queen of Summer" contest, and a nearly fatal swarm of fangirls. "What now?"

Harry looked down at the slowly recovering Hyuuga, who'd fainted before they could go through with the plan. "I don't suppose we could just leave her on Naruto's bed tied up with a sign that said 'RAVISH ME!', do you?"

Hinata twitched and promptly fell back into the loving embrace of unconsciousness. A thin stream of blood dripped down from one nose.

Myrtle glared at Harry. "You're doing that on purpose."

Harry grinned, widely and unrepentantly. "She has to get used to the thought somehow. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to do research…"

----------------------------------------

Some libraries have memberships. You have to have checked out a thousand books before they allow you to borrow from their "Specials" section (Hermione has such a membership at her local library).

Other libraries have forms you have to fill up in triplicate, with finger prints, school ID's, birth certificate, citizenship papers, passports, affidavits that you will not use the books to prop up your table, insurance policies, DNA tests (to make sure you do not posses the gene linked to book vandalism), proof you were born on this planet, and a thousand dollar security deposit in case you forget to use protective gloves, all signed in blood and even more binding than demonic contracts and fine print (Hermione was very disappointed when a mistake at the lab mistakenly claimed she had the gene).

The library in Hogwarts requires a signed slip of paper if you want to get into the restricted section. Considering the possible ways to disguise yourself into someone a teacher will sign for, this really isn't a well thought-out policy.

And the library in Konoha… well…

Let's put it this way: they have specially trained shinobi who would gladly sign up with the Special Operations Division of the British Library. They actually _do_ have ninja techniques that use paper as lethal weapons, they hunt down people with late library books and scrolls with a relentless determination that even Uchiha Itachi had been afraid of (wherever he was hiding, the last Uchiha was desperately glad library-nin never joined ANBU and it's hunter corps), and those that actually vandalize a book or scroll will run like mad to pay the replacement fee, because the alternative is never being seen again.

Their primary job is to guard the _really_ restricted books, deep down in the officially-does-not-exist underground shelves that stretch down deep into the ground, so deep and self-contained it actually had it's own eco-system and geography. Technically, anyone could borrow a book or scroll. The problem was, you had to go through the librarian-nin to do it. Most people usually waited until they were high-chuunin or even jounin before they tried. Genin seldom tried, and were the only ones treated with mercy when they did… until they get really annoying, in which case they disappear for a while and return babbling about dragons, boss monsters and crazy book people (it is a little known fact Orochimaru once disappeared like this and was scarred for life. His constant use of underground bases, monsters and knowledge hoarding are a reverse-psychological defense mechanism).

The library-nin patrol the entrances of the officially-does-not-exist underground part of the library as well as do other, more normal librarian duties (they have developed special note-card filing _jutsu, _which do for shuriken in a pinch), occasionally returning the secret literatures after they've been returned (because otherwise it's stealing, and then a different set of people get pissed off…). Less time was spent on fixing the shelves, since people seldom get what they came for. Any people who cause collateral damage are… well, there is no information with which to speculate, which is actually the scariest thing…

It was the destination of Harry's first non-supervised Apparition. When everyone is too busy guarding the way in, no one is _really_ watching the goods.

Using all of his acquired stealth, plus some he didn't know he had, a little he'd borrowed and a couple of bits he'd stolen, he crept through the specially lit shelves of the underground. The Invisibility Cloak flowed gently around him as he tried to keep it quiet, creeping about on toes that wanted to curl up and bolt. Cautiously, he swept the red LED light clutched in the Hand of Glory, scanning the shelves.

_Sexcraft… Shift, dimensional… Shroud of Shadows… Silk Rope techniques… Silver Claiming… man, where the heck is summoning?!? _

He hunted through the shelves, stopping every so often to listen for librarian-nin and trying to find the SUM shelves. After two hours of searching, he took a break at a convenient rest stop, complete with a vending machine. Thankfully, it also had a hot water dispenser for his instant ramen.

_HOW BIG IS THIS DAMNED (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ing LIBRARY?!?!?!?!?_ Harry despaired in his mind as he finally reached the SNI part of the shelves (_Sniping Made Easy, Sniper Rifles, Snitch-Catching Techniques…_). His world had by this time so narrowed down to getting to SUM, watching out for librarian-nin and walking quietly, that he didn't notice the three girls in black sleeveless turtlenecks, berets and blazers, the orangutan carrying a chained-up book, and Madam Pince.

When he finally got there…

Harry's eyebrow twitched. Considering he was suffering from sleep deprivation, hunger, sore feet, paranoia and the driving desire to rip his hair out, this was a remarkable degree of control. _Summoning Theory For Beginners made Easy, part 1 of… 88?!?!?! YOU'VE GOT TO BE (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!_

Looking at the shelves upon shelves on summoning, Harry popped out of the library. If he didn't get to sleep soon, he was going to destroy something, and the librarian-nin considered that a treason-offense (and were annoyed the Hokage didn't think so).

Incidentally, Anko kicked his ass because he came to training sleep-deprived.

----------------------------------------

Jiraiya slowly put down his telescope, raising an eyebrow inquiringly as he looked at the face grinning at him upside-down from a scant distance of two feet away. "May I help you?"

"Jiraiya-sama…" Harry said, and Jiraiya _knew_ he was about to be either A) sucked up to or B) weaseled into something, "How do you make summoning scrolls…?"

Jiraiya raised the other eyebrow and replied with his own shit-eating grin. "And why should I tell you?"

Harry's grin got wider. "Because I know all your account numbers, I posses all final manuscripts you've completed, and I'm the only way you could possibly sell your books?"

Glare. "Damn you boy."

He knew he should have found some other person to be his editor. That fact that no adult had ever managed to survive the blood loss and still do a good job editing was beside the point…

Wait a minute…

"MY ACCOUNT NUMBERS?"

"That's what happens when you don't do your own accounting."

Jiraiya decided to get a new accountant.

----------------------------------------

Sirius gently picked up the owl that had collapsed as it flew through the window of the Uzumaki kitchen. It was relatively early in the day, and the two younger boys were still off at the Academy with Myrtle. Harry had dragged himself in around mid-morning and was taking a nap as a result of another late-night excursion. Whenever they'd asked, all Harry said was that Libraries needed to be small enough to be mapped on a napkin.

Recognizing the Weasley's owl, Sirius took the message off it's leg and placed him next to Hedwig's stand. The pale owl was grooming her feathers, and nodded a greeting to her fellow messenger. Errol responded likewise, before falling unconscious, head half-submerged in the water trough. Hedwig clucked in a McGonagall-ian fashion and moved him slightly so he wouldn't drown.

Turning the letter over in his hands, Sirius called out to the boy's bedroom, keeping a wary eye on the stove. He didn't trust them, Muggle stoves. They were prone to leaks and explosions. And this was a _shinobi_ stove, which probably meant it was specially constructed to be disassembled for weaponry and had a bigger explosion than usual. "Harry! You've got a letter for you!"

He was answered by a cut-off yell from Harry's room, which wasn't _too_ unusual, and a cry of "_AVADA KEDAVRA!_" which was. Startled, Sirius ran to the room, letter in hand and calling out Harry's name…

He found Harry sitting up in bed, the tip of his dagger smoking and a sizable hole in the wall, one hand on his scar, a surprised, curious, and a slightly angry look on his face.

"Well," he said, more to himself than to Sirius as the shinobi Wizard stared past the smoking wall towards nothing. "That's new…"

----------------------------------------

**- To be continued...**

----------------------------------------

A/N: I've been reading Terry Pratchett, all right? Give me a break! The guy writes better than Rowling, Chris Dee, Shaun Garin, Ken Akamatsu, Rumiko Takahashi and Prohias combined!

And so _Goblet of Fire_ arc begins next chapter! Intrigue, Veela, waterworks and racist relations, here we come!

For those about to argue about strength, please remember that in the pre-shippuuden anime, _**Sakura**_ was able to rip an at least foot-and-a-half wooden mast off the deck of a ship and use it as a bat, no problem. Given she was the weakest member of team 7 at the time, how strong must Harry be?

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**OMAKE:**** L-Space OR "do not interfere with the nature of causality"**

----------------------------------------

Madam Pince walked down the familiar and infinitely long corridors of the Hogwarts library as she went to meet her weekly summer appointment. During the school year, it was usually so hectic that she was lucky to be able to do this once a month. Now that the year was over…

Using her innate powers of librarianship as she had been taught as one of the Librarians of Time and Space, she ventured into the limitless tracts of L-space, biscuits in hand.

"Greetings Albeiro-san, Mr. Librarian," Hogwarts' Mistress of the Books said as she greeted her colleagues.

The Magister Magi smiled his usual knowing smile as he greeted him, while the orangutan pulled up a chair. "Why hello Madam Pince. Is the school year over already? My, how time flies."

"It does, doesn't it?" Madam Pince said as she sat down. "Thank you, Mr. Librarian."

"Ook," the orangutan said, waving off her thanks as he returned to his seat, helping himself to a biscuit. "Ook?"

"Well, it has been a rather eventful year," Madam Pince said in reply to the question. "There was an escaped convict loose in the premises and I believe I've identified a young girl with the potential to become a Librarian of Time and Space. Her name is Hermione Granger."

"Fascinating," Albeiro said as he sipped his tea. "We must inform Mr. Lucien…"

And so, the Librarians of Time and Space's Weekly Tea Party commenced.

----------------------------------------

**END!**

----------------------------------------

Ah, L-Space… what a _wonderful _concept!

Lucien is from the _Sandman _series and is the Librarian of the Library of the Dreaming, which, from it's description, is most likely actually L-Space.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	16. Goblet of Fire, Genin Remix 1!

A/N: Terry Pratchett has influenced my writing. If I can't have footnotes on my chapters, than I'm going to put lots of the next best thing, which are brackets.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to warn people about some bastard calling him- or herself **Uzumaki Naruko 14** has recently been spotted trying to pass of this story as her own, here as well on other archives. When you have the time, could you kindly go and flame the little thief?

And _yes_, people FINALLY meet Anko…

--

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 16: Goblet of Fire, Genin Remix 1!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Naruto, and am not doing this for money. Please don't sue me.

--

"Sirius, would you stop being such a woman?" Harry ground out. "Honestly, you're being worse than Mrs. Weasley. I'm (BLEEP)-ing fine!"

"You woke up screaming in pain from your scar after having a disturbingly realistic dream where Voldemort kills someone," Sirius said, not ceasing in his poking and prodding at Harry even thought both knew he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. "That is _not_ fine. We have to tell Dumbledore."

"First off, I was _not_ screaming in pain; that was a cry of surprise. Second of all, I _will_ tell Dumbledore just as soon as you get off me and I can get to Hedwig!" Harry cried. "Don't make me hurt you, old man!"

"Who are you calling old?!"

"You, puppy!"

"PUPPY!?"

And thus, Marauder-ness outs…

--

By the time Sasuke, Naruto and Myrtle got there, Harry and Sirius had degenerated to the tried and tested, oh so mature phase of yelling…

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

…at each other.

"Hey, what's going on?" Sasuke asked, while Myrtle palmed her face and Naruto looked back and forth from each speaker like a spectator of a tennis match.

Harry pointed dramatically at Sirius and righteously declared: "PUPPY!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

Myrtle looked over at Hedwig, whose pure white plumage was looking a little charred. The tip of her tail still smoldered a little. There were small scratch marks on the stove and the owl was glaring quite expressively at the two arguing Wizards.

"WOULD BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!" Myrtle cried. "Why is Hedwig's tail burning?"

The two wizards, shocked at the normally passive ghost's exclamations, suddenly gained looks of dawning realization.

"Hedwig!" Harry cried, rushing towards his familiar.

"THE STOVE!" Sirius cried, rushing towards the cooking implement, then staring uncomprehendingly at its lack of flame. "Huh?"

Hedwig, meanwhile, was giving Harry the owl equivalent of a dirty look.

Sasuke sighed, wishing that the nice Mr. Lupin was still there. Unfortunately, the man had left a couple of days ago in the company of Jiraiya. "All right, what happened aniki? Or do I really have to try to ask Hedwig?"

Something told him that Hedwig, had she been capable, was feeling up to a rant…

--

There were times Sasuke lamented being the rational person in the house.

In their little sitcom, each of them had a part. Myrtle, despite the fact that she was dead, was a very dutiful elder sister, always willing to bring them to school, spy out the exam answers for them, give them advise, straighten them out if there are any problems and so on so forth. Had she been alive, Sasuke felt Harry would be very lucky to marry her. Naruto was the clueless, excitable one, who'd be called a ditz if he was a girl, since instances that required his imagination and unusual, out of the box logic was usually limited to pranks and cutting class. Harry-niisan was the charming rouge, the determined evil bastard, the workaholic family man, the struggling student with mouths to feed, somehow all rolled into one. Hedwig was the intelligent family pet who, if she'd been human, would by now have a chain-smoking and drinking habit from having to watch the daily insanity and not being able to do anything about it. Even Sirius had a place; he was the relative who was still trying to work himself out.

In this little drama, Sasuke, as he reluctantly realized, was the sane person who had to make sense of everything.

It was very trying on the psyche.

"So let me get this straight," Sasuke said. "Aniki woke up, cried out and blasted a Killing Curse at our wall because he had a dream that Voldemort had killed some old dude. Correct so far?"

The two wizards, whose mouths had been duct-taped shut after their testimonies because they kept sniping at each other, both nodded, glaring at him.

"Sirius, after hearing this, became legitimately concerned, if a bit overenthusiastic, and said you should tell your Headmaster at school."

More nods.

"At which point the two of you got on each others nerves, Harry called Sirius an old man and a puppy, and both of you stopped being coherent until we got here."

Embarrassed nods.

"Anything else?" the brunette said as he resisted the urge to rub his eyes. He desperately needed ramen. Now. Right that second.

Sirius frowned thoughtfully, blinked, and left the room, returning with an envelope addressed to Harry.

"And aniki apparently has mail," Sasuke said with a certain dry finality. "Anything else?"

They shook their heads.

Sasuke nod and got up from the table. "Good. Now if you will excuse, I'm going to go and do my homework over at Ichiraku's or bait some fangirls, whichever sounds more relaxing."

"Hey, I'm coming too!" Naruto said. "Sirius boiled out all the hot water, so there's nothing to prepare ramen with."

At that, Sirius frowned thought fully, looking at the stove and started to speak… then realized his mouth was still duct-taped and pulled it off…

"OW!"

… and _then_ started to speak. "Wait a minute, who turned off the stove? I didn't do it."

"OW! Me neither," Harry said, rubbing his tender face where the tape had stuck to it.

"Hoot."

Everyone turned to look at Hedwig. She glared at them.

Sasuke shook his head and decided he needed a _lot_ of ramen…

--

Anko raised an eyebrow at him. "You're going _where_?"

Harry smiled widely at Anko, which either meant that she was dying, the world was ending or he was trying to suck up. In this instance, it was the third one, which was even more of an unlikely-to-happen occurrence as number two (after all, a _lot_ of countries had biological weapons and nukes). "To my classmate's place for the last two weeks of summer vacation. He invited me and my brothers over, and I said yes."

"No," Anko said curtly, certain issues regarding _another_ fairly good-looking bastard making itself known by pretending not to exist. "We've only got a few weeks in a year to train– which is a big favor to you, remember– and now you want to take two weeks off it to go see your school friend?"

Harry raised a bottle of Ogden's Fire Whiskey, his wide smile taking on a slightly innocent cast, albeit the sort of innocence that comes from being as guilty as sin. "Please? It's only two weeks."

Anko's eyes treacherously moved to eye the bottle, before the rest of her caught on and hit it with Resolution. "No," she said sharply. _Let's go to Ocean Country…_

Harry pulled out a second bottle, not saying a word.

Anko didn't even blink, even as her insides wailed in despair– exempting her liver, which was rejoicing. "No! You're not skipping out of training and that's final!"

Harry's smile finally cracked, and he glared at her through gritted teeth. The sense that all was right with the universe returned as balance was restored. "Oh, come on! It's only two weeks!"

_I have a little present for you…_ "Are deaf and stupid? I said no! You are _not_ going to miss two weeks of training if I have to give up every mission that comes my way to do it!"

Harry blinked at the fierceness. It _sounded_ right, it was an Anko sort of thing to say… but it _felt_ wrong. The spirit was different. It… it was a lie standing in front of a truth that wasn't supposed to exist.

Anko watched the boy mull it over, grimly satisfied that she'd gotten her way. That'll show him. There was no getting away from his responsibilities. He was still a genin and a genin was supposed to do minor missions and train so he'd survive if he decided to try his luck at getting promoted!

She heard him muttering about costs as he held the bottles limply in his hand. A part of her suggested that, since she'd proven she wasn't going to go in for bribes, it was perfectly all right to take them from him and have a drink…

The next few words stopped her.

"Well, what if you came along?"

Work stopped and reset. "What?"

"Well," Harry said reluctantly (to give you some idea of reluctant: it was the reluctance of one to save the world when he'd just worked so hard to destroy it while still making sure he survived to dance on and rule the ashes), "I… suppose you could come along…"

Anko stared at him.

"… after all, what am I _really_ going to be doing for two weeks…"

The non-existent issues were murmuring about this, saying this sounded vaguely familiar…

"…no missions, but you weren't planning to do any missions anyway…"

_Let's go to Ocean Country…_

Anko _had_ to wonder whether Uzumaki had drunk any of that stuff before he tried giving it to her…

--

"Hokage-sama," Harry said levelly, "There is certainly no need for this."

The Hokage smiled that special talking-to-crazier-than-normal-shinobi-crazy smile that people outside the Hidden Countries used for normal crazy people. "Just making sure you're all right, Harry-kun. Nothing to be worried about."

"I'm not crazy, (BLEEP) (BLEEP) it!" Harry screamed from where he was strapped on to the bed Sirius had helpfully cast an Anti-Apparition Charm on– with Harry's wand, to add insult to injury– causing all the specialists to move back quickly. "I mean, come on! It's not mentally unstable behavior to invite Anko along for… two…weeks………"

There was a thoughtful silence.

"I have gone insane," Harry said succinctly. "Return me back to normal so that I may once more become a shinobi that is a credit to Konoha."

"Good boy. See, he's improving already," the Hokage told the specialists, who nodded in agreement.

--

"No."

"But–"

"NO Sirius! You are not going to attack my sensei!" Harry said, adding the mental rider, _I'm the only one who gets to do that!_

"You sure you're sane again?" the Animagus said, looking at him sideways, as if that would help any.

"They pronounced me 'stable'," Harry said truthfully. The word 'sane' had never come up without the prefix 'in-'. It's a ninja thing.

--

Professor Dumbledore, thankfully, had been kind enough to send Harry's yearly Portkey early to meet with the Weasleys. The Uzumaki household saw a lot of hustle and bustle as they packed up. Harry had to completely repack his school trunk, and include a few other things in it as well. After all, Naruto and Sasuke didn't exactly own any of their own luggage, and backpacks only held so much before their seams broke and they exploded.

Sirius, of course, wanted to come along. Harry wasn't exactly dead-set against it, and decided as long as there were a couple of… precautions, it would be all right.

In the meantime, Harry had to pick up a little… reading material…

--

One thing about the officially-does-not-exist sections of the Konoha library was that, regardless of how you get in or get your book, _someone_ has to see you going out for recording purposes. All the books and scrolls had special microchips (not tags or wards, _microchips!_ They lasted longer, didn't require any chakra, and were impossible to remove without damaging the book– which of course was a treason offense, even though the Hokage didn't see it that way…– _and_ they automatically registered into the computer which books had been _checked out!_) on them to deal with the record keeping, but the redundancies of paperwork had to be maintained, for tradition if nothing else…

Plus it was practically tradition to try and outrun the librarian-nin, and he was _still _technically genin, after all_…_

Harry had taken the time to try and get into the libraries records to check out which texts on summoning Jiraiya had last checked out– reasoning that anything Jiraiya had been able to comprehend he could too, no problem– but, as he had relatively no experience with hacking into computers– he could do accounting, a decent spreadsheet, use a word processor and play games, but sadly, computer infiltration was something he wasn't versed in, unless you counted opening one with a screwdriver and looking inside– he was forced to go through each scroll looking for something useful.

It was shear luck that the 46th scroll he opened still had a yellowing memo clipped on it, with rather recognizable and even more sloppy handwriting, that said, "Memo to self: return scroll after creating own summoning contract; have lunch with Orochimaru; try and get my money back from Tsunade; Sarutobi-sensei says getting him into the hot springs gets me extra credit".

It was a good thing Harry opened it then and there, because otherwise he might have left the other scrolls Jiraiya had read to understand _this_ one…

After securely incasing the scrolls and other relevant material in protective casing– the library generously left plastic, waterproof, specially lined cases at the ends of shelves for people to put their selections in– Harry carefully strapped them onto his back and prepared to get out of the library the traditional way necessary for record-keeping and bragging rights.

He carefully secured his load, made sure his weapons were in easy reach, stowed the Hand of Glory in his pouch, held his dagger in one hand and a _Fuuma Shuriken_ in the other, and brazenly began to walk in the general direction of the door.

About halfway there, he had to stop at one of the handy rest areas to use the bathroom, eat a couple of energy bars, and rest his feet.

He was on the 46th bookshelf from the entrance when he heard the thump of a body landing somewhere behind him. He turned and waved cheerily at the librarian-nin, throwing in the sign-language gesture off "Hello, don't kill me, I'm from Konha." The librarian did not look impressed.

There was something very Madam Pince about the nin, despite the vaguely unfocused eyes behind the large glasses, the strong, rugged build of someone who could bench press five complete sets of encyclopedia without breaking a sweat, and the mismatched eyes. Perhaps it was the shirt and tie with the nametag on it that said "Librarian Oikawa Shigure".

Slowly, the librarian pointed at one of the posters on the opposite set of shelves, which stated the library rules.

_**Silence.**_

_**Books must be returned.**_

_**Do not interfere with the nature of causality.**_

_**Vandalism is a treason offense, even if the Hokage does not think so…**_

The librarian raised his eyebrow in the universal question-gesture for "Are we clear?"

Harry nodded.

The librarian nodded as well, satisfied. Than he reached into his pocket, drew out some note cards, and threw the suddenly razor-sharp pieces of paper at Harry.

The wizard dodged, knowing there was no point in trying to go head-to-head with a librarian-nin. ANBU had been trying to recruit them for years, offering them all sorts of benefits, which showed how good they were, considering the ANBU were begging. They'd always steadfastly refused, saying the library needed them, making said ANBU rip their hair out in despair and missing nin breath a little easier. Harry had often heard Miko-san complaining about how they couldn't recruit some librarian named Nancy…

He reached into his pouch, dropping a couple of smoke bombs beside him and making a run for it. It wasn't long before he was out of their cover. Taking out the special package he'd prepared, he raised it up to where the librarian could see it and grinned cheekily. It was obviously a can of paint covered with several explosive tags on a digital timer. The librarian's eyes widened in horror as he shook the can indicating it was full, than threw it down a row of shelves. The librarian immediately changed course to disarm the fizzing bomb. The books above all, after all. Harry was certain he heard the crackle of a radio…

Grinning, Harry reached for another paint bomb…

… and jumped back in time to avoid another librarian carrying a ream of paper. Said ream exploded into a shower of paper that was suddenly reaching for him like a cheap theater-set tentacle. Harry made a single seal to orient himself and spat out a small ball of fire. The paper caught, and the librarian was suddenly trying to put out his own weapon as Harry got out of the way. Only a couple more shelves to go…

Near the entrance, he was met with a group of librarian who looked like they posed for the covers of books like _Legend of the Ultimate Taijutsu_ or _Passion in Snow Country._ Words like 'coiled', 'ripped', 'steely', 'pert', and various innuendo came to mind, as did artfully ripped clothing, despite the fact they were all wearing the standard shirts, ties and nametags.

"Name and registration number?" one asked in a rather bureaucratic tone of voice, which was complete at odds with the giant rubber stamp on a stick that vaguely resembled a mallet strapped to her back.

"Uzumaki Harry, registration number 000578675," Harry replied coolly, drawing a couple more paint bombs from his pack. "Catch," he said, throwing the bombs back into the rows of shelves. Two nin jumped for them immediately.

The rest went for Harry.

He flipped one of the scroll cases of his back, using it as a shield to parry their attacks while he kept moving towards the doors. A couple of early morning or _really_ late night researchers were watching from behind the barricade and seemed to be making bets on the outcome. Harry was able to put several of the librarians out of the fight with a couple of surprise spells, but the remaining quickly learned to get out of the way of his dagger.

The crowd had grown a little before Harry finally got bored and, with a well-timed smoke bomb, Apparated out of there. He'd got what he came for…

--

"I heard you made a big splash at the library this morning," Anko said conversationally as Harry sought to catch his breath. His muscles ached from the rigors of what he was doing, his body was trying to cash various overdue sleep slips, and he was wet all over.

Picking the garbage and donations from the bottom of a public fountain without emptying it does that for you.

"Oh, I had to get a little reading material for when we leave," Harry said as he panted, dumping the assorted coins into one can and the garbage into another. Useless good for nothing sensei who just lounged around…!

"What for?" Anko said casually as she threw her used stick of dango into the pool. Growling, Harry grabbed it and put it in the can.

"Private research," he said curtly as he went back down under water. Anko twitched.

By the time he went up for air again, Anko was gone.

--

Saurtobi didn't look up as his doors were blasted opened by a fire jutsu. He simply signaled Touya to call the repairman. "Something I can help you with, Harry-kun?"

"Why is the dango-bitch acting so weird?" Harry said as he plopped down on the floor, still dripping slightly from his incursion into fountain maintenance. "Weirder than usual I mean. All I did was not tell her what I was getting stuff from the library for, and then she pulls another disappearing act. She does this every year!"

"There is a very good reason why I thought it best to apprentice you to her," Sarutobi said, and went back to his paper work.

There was a heavy pause.

"Well?" Harry said.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to tell me?"

"No, not really."

"Screw you, old man…"

"By the way, the librarians want your head for attempted vandalism."

--

Harry whistled happily to himself as he finished packing up his trunk. Naruto and Sasuke's backpacks were already packed with two weeks worth of clothes, plus a few weapons they felt they couldn't do without. They were ready to go, along with Myrtle, who didn't really need to pack anything.

Sirius, however…

Harry grinned.

A little later…

"You think this is funny, don't you?" Sirius glowered at him as they walked towards the Hokage's tower, the luggage in tow. The Uzumakis had arranged to meet there after class, to make things quick.

"A lot, yeah," Harry said honestly, taking a break from smiling and waving at all the women he knew, which was a lot.

Sirius just grumbled, tugging at the slightly loose collar around his neck. The kanji on the tags said, quite clearly in white on black, Kuroko Inu-hoshi.

"Look, it's the only way we'll manage to sneak you in. It's not like they'll be looking for Animagus, right?" Harry said cheerfully. "Besides, think about it! The Quidditch World Cup! You can't say no to that!"

Sirius just grumbled again, trying to get the collar to disappear under his hair, which was still pretty dang long. He was thinking of cutting it, since its length, while fine for preserving precious body heat in Azkaban, was positively murder in Konoha. "You're an evil little bastard, you know that?"

Harry grinned widely. "Why, thank you! That means a lot, coming from a Marauder."

Sirius just kept glaring at him.

The two of them managed to wrestle the various pieces of luggage up the Tower and into the Hokage's office. Touya watched them apathetically, and Harry vaguely wondered what his girlfriend saw in him. Shaking his head in sympathy for Kaho for having to deal with such a cold fish, Harry cheerfully kicked open the Hokage's door. "Hey old man, we're here!"

It was at this point that Harry's plans began to unravel.

"Ah, Harry-kun, Black-san," Sarutobi said, shuffling around some papers on his desk. "I have the portkey right here. According to the note attached, it should be activating in… oh, about half an hour. There will be plenty of time even if Naruto and Sasuke end up with some excitement on the way here. "

"Oh, that's nice…" Harry said faintly as he stared at Anko. Then he turned and stared at Sirius. Then at Anko. Then at Sirius again.

Oh, BLEEP.

Oh, BLEEP-ing BLEEP, they were looking at each other…!!

"You must be this Mitarashi Anko I've heard so much about from Naruto and Sasuke," Sirius said. "The one who's been giving my godson grief every day."

Anko looked at him up and down, taking in the lank hair, his general weak appearance and most especially the collar on his neck. She's a kunoichi after all, and they didn't miss things like that. "And you must be the one the ANBU found a couple of weeks ago on the flying broom. I see you've been living with the brat."

For a moment, the two stared at each other. Harry suddenly found himself strangely nervous. It was the moment he'd feared. They'd met. How would this end? Would Sirius have time to turn into a dog and rip her throat out or will the dango-bitch manage to kill him beforehand?

"Keep up the good work!" Sirius said brightly. "Let me know if you need any embarrassing details to humiliate him with. And if you happen to keep any records, I'd love to go over them with you over a couple of beers!"

Anko smiled. That is, her smirk became less smirk-like. "That'd be nice. Anyone who has to live with that brat needs all the beer they can get."

And then the two exchanged grins, and Harry found himself growing cold inside. It was the sort of grin you found rushing towards you in deep water, invariably with a fin on top, and sometimes accompanied by a tension-inducing soundtrack. This was worse. This was way, WAY worse than anything he had foreseen. Instead of trying to kill each other…

They'd joined forces!!

--

"You know," Harry said, lying on his back as he stared up at the sky, "I don't think I'm ever going to get used to getting around by Portkey. It's pretty damned hard to land on your feet properly."

"Woof," Sirius agreed as he got back on his legs.

"WILL ALL OF YOU GET OFF OF ME?!"

That was all the warning they had as Harry, Naruto, Sasuke, the trunk, the various backpacks, and Hedwig's cage (unfortunately, with Hedwig still in it), were heaved off Anko's back as she got to her feet. There were assorted cries, crashes and various exclamations of pain and annoyance as this happened, followed by much colorful cursing from all the Uzumaki's involved (if it were possible to translate Owl, Hedwig would have been cursing too).

Ron, Hermione, and Mr. Weasley stared mutely at this little comedy, not sure what to make of it as Myrtle hovered in silent exasperation above them.

Ron slowly leaned towards Hermione. "That's Harry's crazy teacher from last year, right?".

"Yup," Hermione said, in the voice of someone who knows they are probably going to need a lot of aspirin, prescription drugs, and probably illegal narcotics to deal with what was to come, especially now that she'd recognized the dog.

"The one that makes Harry prefer Snape?"

"Need you ask?"

"And that dog is that one from last year too, right?"

"Yup."

"I did invite them here for two weeks, right?"

"You did."

"Her too, basically?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Naruto and Sasuke are likely to be as cracked as Harry, aren't they?"

"Almost a certainty, Ronald."

"I don't think I've really thought this idea through…"

"No, you didn't."

"If I ever have another idea like this, curse me."

"I most certainly will."

"With a wand."

"That too."

It was several confused minutes before everyone got sorted out. Naruto's foot had somehow gotten tangled up in Sasuke's _Fuuma Shuriken_ harness, while Harry's trunk had landed on the tail of Anko's coat. She tried to pull it out, but Hedwig, who'd gotten out of her cage, kept dive-bombing her in retaliation for being thrown off. Sirius kept trying to catch Hedwig, but as he happened to be a dog at the time, this involved snapping at the owl with his jaws.

After three enraged owl attacks, Anko tripping over the backpacks, the trunk falling on top of Sasuke when Anko finally got her coat out, and Harry nearly getting kneed in the groin as he pulled Naruto's foot off, everyone finally managed to get on their feet and acquire the right set of luggage.

"It's a pleasure to finally have you with us, Harry," Mr. Weasley said as he shook Harry's hand, looking over his brothers. Now that Harry was aware of it, he saw how Mr. Weasley looked right at their foreheads, obviously looking for _hitai-ate_.

"Nice place you've got here," Harry said dryly as he looked around where they'd landed. It was green, hilly country, the kind that was a pain to get across when it was enemy terrain. What few trees Harry could see weren't very tall, certainly nowhere _near _as vertical as the one's back in Fire Country. "Pretty bumpy, isn't it?"

"I expect it's pretty different from where you live?" Hermione said as they began walking down the top of the hill they'd appeared at. Personally, Harry thought, they could have picked a better landing spot, but there didn't seem to be anyone in sight. Given their elevation, spotting people was easy to do.

Harry shrugged as he kept an eye out for rabbit holes. Tripping while carrying this trunk on a hill would be a pretty unpleasant experience. "Well, we have more trees back home, and they're all way taller than this."

Behind them, Anko was grumbling about the indignity of a shinobi of her station being caught in a pile-up. Sirius sounded like he'd dropped one of his legs into a rabbit hole, and Sasuke and Naruto were grumbling about the steepness of the hill.

Harry hoped the Weasley twins could put everyone in a better mood. It was either that or become the targets of his misplaced aggression.

--

The moment Harry and Sasuke saw what _had_ to be the Weasley house– due to the fact there was no other house anywhere else as far as the eye could see– the two brunettes preemptively kicked Anko and Naruto to shut them up. Anko kicked Harry back, and Naruto almost yelled before Sasuke managed to cover his mouth and whisper urgently into his ear.

"Nice place you've got here," Harry said diplomatically, while his brothers nodded enthusiastically.

Anko gave him a smirk. She had a lot of those. This one seemed to be number 29, "You're lying through your teeth, but you're smiling, so people don't really mind, but I think you're pathetic."

Mr. Weasley smiled politely, knowing what he really meant. Ron was looking embarrassed, but that seemed to be his usual response when it came to a lot of things, so Harry ignored it. Sirius ran after a chicken.

The door swung open with a BANG, and a pair of red-headed twins were framed against the opening. "HARRY!" Fred and George cried, arms opened wide. Harry tried to buy time by throwing Sasuke in their path, but to no avail. Oh well…

"Gred! Forge!" Harry said as they shook both his hands. "How's tricks?"

"Never better, old boy!" Fred said, smiling widely. Harry made a note to check his hands afterwards, just in case. He would later find a small patch that would have smeared his skin with a potion, had he not been careful. The potion, when he tested it on a hapless rat later on– not Wormtail. Well, 173, 486 time's the charm– would have caused the hairs on his hands to become stiff, barbed quills. Nasty thing. Could he have been rubbing off on the twins?

Cheerful thought.

As the twin terrors moved on to greet the terrible two of the Konoha Ninja Academy, Harry nodded at Crookshanks, who paused a moment from chasing something that looked like a potato on legs to acknowledge his presence.

Entering what seemed to be the front door– that is, it faced the road– Harry found himself in an entryway that looked only a _tad_ less cluttered than the Uzumaki apartment. It wasn't messy, per se, just… lived in. it was like Ron's area of the dormitory, on a larger scale. Very homey, actually.

"We're back!" Ron called out as Harry carried his trunk through behind him. The red-head turned back to Harry. "Come on, I'll show you where you're staying. "

Harry nodded, calling out behind him. "Naruto, Sasuke, stop exchanging lethal equipment with the twins and get your stuff in here!"

Harry, and eventually his siblings, followed Ron up the stairs, Hermione and Myrtle bringing up the rear. Down below, they could hear Sirius entering the house, bounding around madly.

"So, anything interesting happen while I was away?" Harry asked as they made their way up.

"Besides Percy turning down a Ministry job?" Ron said.

"Wow. Things must really be pretty boring if you're going to talk about Percy." Harry said.

--

"Mr. Potter!" Percy cried rather breathlessly. His face was flushed, his clothes were rumpled and his hand was claw-shaped and shaking, as if he'd been holding a long, tubular object for an extended period of time. There was some kind of white liquid on the knuckles of said hand. "I, I wasn't expecting to see you so soon! I was busy working on my piece upstairs and lost track of the time…"

Everyone stared at the 3rd eldest Weasley's disheveled appearance. Well, everyone except Anko and Sirius. The doggy-magus was nowhere to be seen, and the kunoichi had made some comment about scouting out the area. They were likely plotting somewhere…

Harry and his brothers had finished putting down their stuff and met Bill and Charlie– Harry had asked how Norbert was doing– when they'd heard Percy let out a startled cry of "_**WHAT?**_" in his room, a feminine cry of surprise, and what sounded like a stampede coming down the stairs.

As Ginny entered the kitchen, an aggrieved look on her face directed at Percy, Harry regarded the 3rd Weasley boy with bemusement. "Percy," he greeted neutrally, "how are you? Getting enough sleep? Baths?"

As his siblings smirked over this, Percy seemed to remember himself. He took a breath and tried to straighten his clothes, gathering his dignity about him and wiping the correction fluid off his knuckles. Facing Harry, he put on a calm, composed face.

"_**THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!**_" Percy cried as he threw himself at Harry's feet, causing everyone to jump back in surprise. "Thank you Mr. Potter, thank you, thank you, _**THANK YOU!!**_"

Harry patted Percy on the head, a pleased smile on his face as theWeasley kept expounding his thankfulness and kissing the ground Harry walked on.

"Aniki," Sasuke said, starting to get creeped out. Percy was starting to sound like a virgin having his frist orgasm– not that _he'd_ know, of course. "_What did you do?_"

"I got Percy a job," Harry said brightly. "It's the least I could do for one of Ron's brothers."

"A job?" Hermione said, raising an eyebrow. "What job could possibly have Percy treating you like a god?"

"He's head proofreader for the publisher of the English edition of the Icha Icha series."

Everyone stared in shock as Myrtle, Sasuke and Naruto rolled their eyes. "Lucky bastard…" Ron, the twins and Hermione muttered.

Ron looked at Hermione sideways as everyone looked at Percy enviously…

--

The day streamed by quickly. Sirius played the "lovable doggy" card to perfection. Anko earned herself a glare from Mrs. Weasley for her attire, but the senior shinobi was polite and gracious if a little rough, shocking her student, who thought he knew her. The indigo-haired woman somehow got the Weasley matriarch talking about tea, and soon the two were enthusiastically discussing the subject. By the time Mrs. Weasley took out an exquisite, if slightly dusty, tea set from storage– with her apologizing profusely for the state it was in over Anko's exclamations of how nice it was– Harry had to be dragged out of the room, his face set in an expression of numb shock. It took several hits from Hermione's bat to wake him up.

Percy had wanted to bring Harry upstairs to show him the work he'd done, but Ron, Hermione and Ginny were having none of it. Naruto and Sasuke had disappeared with the twins. Praying they weren't doing anything yaoi, Harry wondered what their devious minds were cooking up. nothing he couldn't surpass, he hoped…

Talking to Bill and Charlie was certainly very interesting. They had sentient talking animals back home, but no dragons that Harry knew of, and memories of Norbert were sufficiently faded for dragons to be interesting again. He asked about the Norwegian Ridgeback– and was surprised to find he'd been a girl; Norberta, then– listening to the elder Weasley's stories about his charges.

Dinner was good. By that time, Mrs. Weasley had apparently forgiven Anko her wardrobe, though Sirius drew some dubious glances. Myrtle and Ginny eyed one another warily, though both were civil and even moderately friendly to each other.

It was a surprise the next day when Anko declared she'd be staying with Mrs. Weasley while they went to watch the Quidditch world cup. Harry had thought she'd stick to him like a bad venereal disease. The kunoichi apparently wasn't curious about Quidditch, more interested in discussing tea–_**TEA! **_Harry still couldn't believe it– with Mrs. Weasley. They'd be forming a club soon, he just knew it…

Still, he wasn't about to protest being free of her. Quidditch!

He _really_ should have realized Murphy would choose to strike…

--

**- To be continued...**

--

A/N: Well, that's it. See you guys again next year!

…

I'm kidding! …we all wish…

Well, The World Cup and events thereof will be in the next chapter. Hope you like how Sirius and Anko met.

Due to reading Terry Pratchett, I now have this desire to write Dumbledore and Sarutobi like Ridcully. I am resisting this terrible temptation, however.

--

**OMAKE: ****Sasuke's Greatest Natural Enemy by bissek**

--

It was Christmas time in Konoha again, and the two Uzumakis who remained in town awoke to find a pile of loot had appeared under the tree. As Naruto and Sasuke dug through the presents, they found that they each had received an identical package from their aniki. Inside those packages were a small mirror and a note, which read:

This is called a foe glass. They show the images of your enemies. The clearer the picture, the greater the threat. If you can make out the eye color of someone in the glass, then you are in immediate danger.

-Harry

On the back of the note was instructions on how to set the glass to see one as its owner. Naruto quickly set up his. It would be nice to be able to tell roughly when the next 'Fox Hunt' would be and who would likely be starting it, and this glass could show that to him. In his glass, there appeared a large number of silhouettes in the distance, to vague to make out. There was also a group of nine people standing together, closer than the mass silhouette, but not close enough to identify any of them. Closest of all was the outline of someone who looked vaguely like Mizuki-sensei. Naruto was a little puzzled about that. Mizuki-sensei was always nice to him, why would he be an enemy?

Unless he was a Kyuubi-hater trying to get close enough for a double cross… Naruto shivered. He'd have to be on his guard.

Sasuke then set up his glass. He took one look in it, then cried "GAH!" and jumped back. Curious, Naruto looked into his brother's glass. There was a large group of people in Sasuke's glass. There probably wasn't as many as there were in the background of Naruto's but they were packed so tightly together that the image was a mass of faces without any view of the background at all. The faces were all clear and easily identifiable, and wearing the same expressions on their face as they had during The Mistletoe Incident.

Staring back at Sasuke in his foe glass was the entire Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub.

--

**END**

--

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	17. GoF, Genin Remix 2! Chaos at Quidditch!

A/N: Yes, it's been updated. Say a lot about it, please, what you like, what you didn't like. Don't just say 'it's good, update soon'. If you don't tell me what you like, how am I supposed to make more of it?

* * *

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 17: GoF, Genin Remix 2! "Chaos at Quidditch!" or "No, I Couldn't Think Of A Better Title, So Sue Me!"

Disclaimer: Will people notice if I change this? Do you notice? Do you? No? Yes?

* * *

A shinobi is supposed to follow orders.

"_You are to take everyone to the woods and remain hidden until I come to find you._"

Absolutely, to the letter and without question.

_"You're to stay with them all through out."_

Supposedly, anyway.

"Y_ou are to protect them all and keep them safe._"

In Konoha, most senior shinobi know there are times you have to break that rule.

"_You are not to attempt to seek out or confront anyone._"

The Hokage especially.

"_Understood?_"

But you better have a **_really_** good reason…

* * *

It was very, very tempting, Harry thought, to consider Malfoy a threat and jab a kunai in each eye-socket, really it was. The idiot could be genuinely annoying at times.

"Keep moving," Harry said curtly, dragging Ron and Hermione away so they could catch up with Fred, George and Ginny. Naruto and Sasuke flanked the three– _protect the objective,_ Harry thought– their hands near their pouches, where the rings of _kunai_ stuck out, easy to snag. He'd have to tell them not to do it that way. Anko had beaten that out of him after he'd gotten tired of her using his own blades against him.

"That's right, hide the mudbloods and muggles, Potter!" Malfoy crowed behind them.

A dungbomb hit him in the face and exploded.

"Good initiative," Harry told Naruto as they left him behind spluttering and trying to get the taste of feces out of his mouth. "But next time, wait for him to open his mouth all the way."

* * *

Portkeys, Harry reaffirmed to himself as he and the others followed Mr. Weasley towards their destination, sucked. Helping Mr. Weasley pay Mr. Roberts, they went to their assigned plot. The unusual and occasionally absurdly lavish tents– turrets and peacocks? Really? – caught his eyes, and his brother's as well, and he had to keep his brothers on a short leash to stop them from just running off to look around.

"Aniki, can we buy a tent like that?" Naruto said, pointing at the turreted and be-peacocked… thing

"We'll look like pimps, otouto," Harry said as they walked along.

The two stared at him impassively.

"No peacocks, they're kinda gay," Harry said, considering. "Maybe tigers…"

Setting up the tent and getting ready took up most of the morning, and by the time they'd managed to cook lunch, Bill, Charlie and Percy had arrived. Halfway through the food, Mr. Weasley's friend Ludo Bagman and some guy named Grouch joined them.

Harry listened half-heartedly too all the office discussions, looking around at the people around them. There didn't seem to be much real security to his eye. The few ministry wizards running around looking harassed reminded him of a single academy instructor being asked to oversee a fieldtrip consisting of three classes: an exercise in utter futility just waiting for explosives to go off and give everyone their much-deserved hazardous duty pay.

Given that he had to keep his brothers from going off and causing what might be an international incident, Harry felt some sympathy. This at least gave him an excuse to not really pay attention when Mr. Weasley's office associates showed up, since perfectly all right not to be paying attention when you're running around trying to keep your brother from setting anything on fire, especially with Fred and George to egg them on.

It got simpler as the afternoon wore on and salesmen started popping out of thin air. They two younger shinobi weren't really interested in the animate models and flying mini-brooms, though Harry bought them a scarf each to keep them warm, since he knew it was colder here than they were used to, even in the summer. They were already wearing jackets with the sun still up.

Then Sasuke found the Omnioculars. Harry bought the man's entire stock on the spot and pain him a few more galleons for the name of his supplier. It hadn't really occurred to him that the wizarding world might have anything a shinobi could really use. Sure, the pranks from Zonko's were fun and certainly unique, but not really mission-worthy. If you can get a target to eat something, what's the point of an Acid Pop?. But an eyepiece that allowed replaying previously viewed scenes, slow motion analysis and a technical breakdown…? They'd be more than able to make up the loss selling these things to the ANBU and upper-level jounin. The fact the things were made of shiny brass was annoying, but nothing a coating of field-grade paint couldn't cure.

So equipped, the group trooped to the Quiddith stadium. It was a long climb to their seats, but compared to climbing the hill that morning, it was pretty easy. They reached the Top Box, where there was only one person seated, the second seat from the edge. Harry went in first, figuring if there was an accident and the side wall collapsed he was more likely to survive it than anyone else. Through no fault of his own, his hand managed to snag Ginny's pulling her to the box next to him, to her embarrassment and maybe a little amusement. Ron glared at him for it, but it was a half-hearted glare, as if he was resigned to Harry pulling stunts like this, even with his sister. This was purely based on the understanding that Harry wouldn't hurt her. If he did, well, Ron _was_ related to Fred and George, and more importantly Mrs. Weasley. There had to be something there…

Myrtle floated in the empty space next to Harry, hovering next to him almost possessively. Naruto, Sasuke, Fred and George were keeping each other entertained, which seemed to be working so far. Nothing had caught fire yet, anyway.

Harry looked around, taking a closer look at the being behind them. it was small, with bat-like ears… "Dobby?" he said, even as he realized it couldn't be.

The house-elf looked up. Yup, definitely not Dobby. "Did sir just call me Dobby?" it squeeked.

"Sorry," Harry said apologetically. "I thought you were someone I knew. "

"But I knows Dobby too, sir!" squeaked the elf. "My name is Winky, sir– and you, sir– you is surely Harry Potter!"

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Harry said.

"But Dobby talks of you all the time, sir!" Winky said, looking at him awestruck.

"How is he, these days?" Harry asked. "Ok, I hope?"

As Winky explained about Dobby's situation, Harry's forehead furrowed in concern. "Look Winky, if Dobby's having problems like that, have him come and talk to me. I might be able to arrange something. Next time you see him, tell him I'm staying at the Weasley's until September, and he can come over any time."

"Winky will tell him, sir," the house-elf said, before giving the edge of the seating box one last look and covering her eyes again.

The Box began to fill up with people, many of whom Harry had never met before and were treating him with the usual attention. Percy kept jumping up to shake hands with the rich and famous, until Harry leaned over and told him to stop. Hobnobbing was one thing, pissing off the person who could get you fired was quite another.

He really should have been expecting it when the Malfoy's arrived.

"Good Lord, Arthur," Malfoy sr. said as Fudge made the mistake of drawing his and Arthur Weasley's attention together. "What did you have to sell to get seats in the Top Box? Surely your house wouldn't have fetched this much?"

As Mr. Weasley gave a strained smile, Harry deftly stuck an explosive tag half the size of a postage stamp and a small packet of sulfurous gas to a small glob of adhesive– used to stick anything, like bombs, to anything, like people– and bounced it off the seat behind the Malfoy's and onto the seat of Malfoy sr.'s pants. He stuck one on his favorite Slytherin to mess with as an afterthought. As they turned away, Harry shaped a small pulse of charka to trigger both, and a rather embarrassing sound followed by a distinct bad smell erupted, causing much pausing on the Malfoy's parts and much waving of hands to clear the air from everyone else. They couldn't leave fast enough.

"Slimy gits," Ron muttered happily, before leaning towards Harry and hissing quietly, "Did you do that?"

"Do what?" Harry said, looking as innocent as Fred and George.

* * *

Harry kept control of himself, but only just. It was like that first class wherein the teacher puts them under a mild compulsion-type Genjutsu so they'd become familiarized with the feeling. Over time, student's learn the trick of ignoring what they were being compelled to do or feel by concentrating on something else, but since that's pretty useless in battle, they're disabused of the notion of using that rather quickly.

As it was, he was only a hair away from preventing Naruto and Sasuke from doing something totally stupid. Sasuke had actually completed the seals for Gōkakyū no jutsu before Myrtle interrupted him by phasing through him.

The match itself was incredible. Even complete novices and ignorants of the game like Harry's brothers were able to appreciate that. It was a grand epic that probably needed 17 pages of text to fully appreciate. However, like in a certain movie, there is only time to briefly mention it here before we move on, lest someone's fingers fall off…

After the match, they stayed up talking about it, it was so awesome, Naruto and Sasuke both begging Harry to let them take a ride on his broomstick, which he refused to do until they could think of a non-yaoi-sounding way to say it.

They'd all just barely gotten to sleep when they heard Mr. Weasley calling.

"Get up! Ron– Harry– come on now, get up, this is urgent! _Shinobi, to arms!_"

The last words, spoken in the language Harry had grown up amongst, jolted him and his brothers awake. It was a rallying cry unchanged in all countries and villages on the Hidden Continent. It meant the village was under full attack. With a speed that astonished even himself, Harry had managed to pull on his belt and thigh pouches and had shoved his dagger into his waist band and was out the door of the tent and in front of Mr. Weasley before his brother had figured out which belt went where. "Sir!" he said, bringing himself to attention, dagger in one hand, a folded Fuuma Shuriken in the other. It was surprisingly intimidating, given he was only wearing boxers and an undershirt.

Mr. Weasly looked a bit surprised at the speed, but recovered quickly, barking staccato orders in a tone that said he wasn't used to speaking like this, but had had the words– or at least the proper sounds of the words– drilled into him so long ago he couldn't get them wrong. "_Shinobi! Obey absolutely! No deviation tolerated!_" A change of language. "Harry, you are to take everyone to the woods and remain hidden until I come to find you. You're to stay with them all through out. You are to protect them all and keep them safe. You are not to attempt to seek out or confront anyone. Understood?"

Harry blinked as surprise temporarily got in the way of instinct and training. "Mr. Weasley, wh–"

"_Understood, shinobi?_" Mr. Weasley barked.

Instinct and training got back in line. Harry saluted. "_HAI!_"

Only then did he notice the chaos around them. The other Weasley children, Myrtle and his brothers finally arrived, the latter two armed with everything they had, looking determined, scared, purposeful and so, so afraid. Sasuke handed Harry his _hitai-ate_, and he quickly tied it on as Mr. Weasley told his children to go to the woods and stick together. Harry repeated Mr. Weasley's orders to his brothers, who themselves when rigid as they realized the danger of the seriousness of the situation. The oldest Uzumaki kept his questions to himself, and ordered his brothers to do the same. There could be time for that after the emergency. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred and George moved to the woods, Naruto and Sasuke at point, _kunai_ held ready in hands that only slightly trembled. Harry assigned himself the position of rear guard, knowing the greatest danger was most likely coming from behind and trusting in his brother's skills if he was wrong.

The three ninja concealed their weapons as they continued, to minimize the possibility of accidents. Like it or not, there were too many civilians in disorder for weapons to be safely drawn. Hermoine lit her wand as Ron tripped over a tree root.

It was then that it became very, very tempting to consider Malfoy a threat and jab a kunai in each eye-socket. But as they moved away from Malfoy, who was trying to clean his face and mouth, the Weasley's all began lighting thier wands brightening the gloom. Harry lit the tip of his dagger as NAruto and Sasuke bother drew chemical light sticks, the really large kind, from their puches and broke them, holding them warily in their left hands.

Suddenly Ginny gave a cry, and Harry, who'd been checking their backtrail for trouble, whirled, blades in hand. "What is it?" he cried.

"I've lost my wand!" Ginny cried as she started checking her pockets, while her brothers began to cast their light on along the ground, looking for it.

"Maybe it's back at the tent?" Ron suggested.

"Maybe it fell out when we were running?" Hermione said.

"What'll I do?!?" Ginny began to wail. "My wand–"

"Ginny, if you shut up and get a move on, I promise to buy you all the wands you want!" Harry snapped, looking behind them. Nothing, but that just might mean they were being sneaky, whoever 'they' were. "MOVE!"

"But–"

Harry gave a strangled growl, picked her up and carried her over his shoulder, snapping at the other to get moving. They passed Winky, who was struggling to move, a group of goblins and a group of Veela surrounded by a bunch of boys and some girls, and Ludo Bagman, but Harry didn't let them slow. He eventually put Ginny back down when it seemed she'd be reasonable again, and went back to his post in the rear, chivying them all along.

They eventually reached a quiet clearing, all sound fading behind them, and Harry eventually called a halt. The Weasleys and Hermione all collapsed on the ground, more from the adrenaline than any actual tiredness, but Harry and his brothers didn't relax, beginning a circular patrol over their temporary rest stop. The other began talking in low tones, with Harry chastising them whenever he felt they grew too loud. Surprisingly, even Fred and George grew quiet when he told them, to, but a part of him knew there'd be hell to pay later.

It was Naruto who heard it first. It was a soft sound, like someone staggering to their clearing. His reaction was, thankfully, no being graded, or he would have flunked again.

"Who's there!?" he cried, and threw a _kunai. _It struck a tree. "_Aniki!_"

"What is it?" Harry called, running towards his brother, but beofe he reached him, a loud voice cried out, "MORSMORDRE!"

"The (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP)?" Harry swore as a green, glittering light erupted from somewhere beyond the range of vision, flying over the tree tops and into the sky. He ignored it, and was about to rush towards where he though it had come from when the forest around them suddenly erupted in screams. Harry barely stopped himself from launching a Killing Curse by instinct. He tried to make himself heard, tried to tell everyone to move, that their position was compromised, and nearly slashed Hermione's neck off when she grabbed him from behind and tried to drag him backwards, away from the sign in the sky. Naruto and Sasuke rushed to his side, but even as they reached the others, several wizards suddenly Apparated nearby, each with a wand out and pointed in their direction.

Harry barely managed to cry "Down!" and drag Ron and Hermione with him to the ground before several stunning spells swept through where they'd been standing, so fast and hot a wind actually rose. He tried to interpose his body between the stunners and his friends, and could make out Naruto and Sasuke shielding Fred, George and Ginny with theirs out of the corners of his eyes.

"Stop! STOP! Those are my children!" he heard Mr. Weasley's voice cry, and the spells suddenly ceased.

It was then that things got personally complicated.

* * *

Harry recognized the wand they found among the trees, and said the first thing that came to mind. "Hey, that's mine!"

He could _feel_ his friends frowning at him behind his back at this patent falsehood– wasn't his wand in his dagger?– but mercifully, they stayed silent as everyone else in the clearing looked at him.

"Excuse me?" said Mr Diggory, Cedric's father.

"That's my wand!" Harry pressed pointing to the wand in his hands. "I dropped it when we were going through the woods!"

"You dropped it?" repeated Mr. Diggory in disbelief. "Is this a confession? You threw it aside after you conjured the Dark Mark?"

Harry gave him the most withering, sarcastic glare he could manage. Given he'd had time to observe Anko and Snape, the masters of this craft, it was pretty good. He pointed at his scar. "Do I (BLEEPING) _look_ like Voldemort-supporter material?!?"

"Amos, think of who you're talking to!" Mr. Weasley said, sounding aghast. "Is _Harry Potter _likely conjure the Dark Mark?"

A small, Hermione sounding part of Harry nagged at him as Winky got into trouble, but there wasn't really anything he could say to help her except support what Hermione, Ron and Naruto were saying (though probably not the part about Naruto calling the Ministry a bunch of idiots. They couldn't help it, they were government bureaucrats. If they were any good with their minds, they'd be doing something else. Thankfully, it wasn't in English, and though Mr. Crouch frowned, he didn't call him down on it) and neither did he want to. All that was important was getting that wand back.

Finally Mr. Diggory handed the wand to Harry, who put it in his pouch.

Once they were out of sight of the other Ministry people, Harry sidled over to Ginny and pulled out the wand. "Here," he muttered as he returned her wand to her. "Try not to lose it again, ok?"

Everyone looked at him, and he shrugged as Ginny gratefully accepted her wand, looking relieved. "Hey, who else here was most likely of getting away with their wand being found at the scene of a crime?"

They left the woods and fond a large crowd of men and women, looking frightened and not in their right minds. They crowded Mr. Weasley, and from the tone, they seemed to be asking if it had been Voldemort who did this. It had the makings of a good panic. Harry ought to know, he'd caused a few in his time. Well, he knew how take care of this: audacity.

"Fear not, good people!" Harry cried, causing everyone to jump as he leapt on top of a handy rock. In his sleeping attire, with all his weapon pouches strapped on and his forehead protector on his head, he probably looked like a cheap Rambo knock-off. He hoped that wasn't going to hurt what he was planning too much. He steeled his stomach, and began channeling the spirit of (_shudder_) Gilderoy Lockhart. "Never fear for, I, Harry Potter, am here! Rest assured that as I saved you all from the nefarious clutches of that stupid looking watchamacallhim Moldewart– no, it was Hornitart– no, I tell a lie, the dude's name was Manifarts– I shall do so again if he ever manages to show his face around here. I got him the first time when I was a cute little baby, after all, so after fourteen years, I assure you the quality of service has only gone up. I'm also quite single, so if any of you have any daughters that need 24 hour protection, feel free to recommend me to them. But let I not be said that did all this alone– !"

And so Harry gave a long, inspirational speech about the power and nobility of resistance against the forces of evil, a long list of stories about the gallantry and courage of the men and women who gave up their lives so that others may live to see Voldemort's fall– or as he called him, "Old ugly, watchamacallhisface Xenoharts"– combined with the occasional reminder that he had been so Awesome as a child that he'd managed to kick Evil Wizard ass, and that Awesomeness, like wine, money and courtesans, only gets better and more mind-blowing with age. By the end of it, they were ready to make him Minister of Magic.

But this wasn't that kind of story.

As it was, Harry was able to make them all laugh as he introduced several new ways to refer to Voldemort that probably didn't cause fear, all the while subtly reminding them they'd gotten over this before and feeding their irrational belief that he'd know how to save them. It probably wasn't a good idea, but the crowd needed calming down, and like the Weasley Twins, he knew the power of a good laugh. Said twins quite got into it, assisting him with various hand puppets and dramatic recreations of what he'd do to Voldemort if they ever met again while he subtly gestured for Mr. Weasley to get the others out of there.

The three of them managed to distract the crowd with a recreation of a final battle between Dumbledore and Voldemort (using hand-gestures, shadows and a few props borrowed from the crowd to depict an army of eviler-than-usual Teletubies, a hundred candy golems and a dramatic swordfight with barbershop-cone Wandsabers was very nerve-wracking), ending with an advertisement for "Weasley's Wizaring Weazes". There was a burst of applause as they disappeared in a cloud of ninja-smoke.

The three hauled ass back to the tent.

"Now," Harry said as they returned to the tent and people stopped giving him looks along the lines of "Are you out of your mind?", "What were you _thinking/drinking/snorting/doing_?" and "THAT!!! WAS!!! AWESOME!!!", "Can someone please tell me what all that was about? Who were those people on the masks? And what was up with the big night light in the sky?"

Harry and his brothers listened at the impromptu lesson on "Living With Voldemort 101". "Voldemort and the Death Eaters," Harry muttered, shaking his head. He looked at his brothers. "You guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

They nodded solemnly. "Yeah," Naruto said.

"It sounds like the name of a bad emo band," Sasuke verbalized their thoughts.

The wizards around them slapped their foreheads, the twins finding it in them to snicker. They weren't to know that Harry was already so traumatized by childhood events as to be nearly impervious to second hand horrors. It would give some lucky therapist a lot to work on someday…

* * *

"_This_, " Anko said when they returned to the Burrow, as Mrs. Weasley frantically hugged her children, making an extra effort on the twins, "is your idea of crowd control?!?!?"

He couldn't tell if she was pissed, exasperated, despairing, or, Fire forbid, _amused_ as she thrust a copy of the Daily Prophet towards him. SCENES OF TERROR AT THE QUIDDITCH WORLD UP, it said. Next to it, sidebars read, BOY-WHO-LIVED FORETELLS OF IMPENDING SHOWDOWN BETWEEN DUMBLEDORE AND VOLDEMORT!; WHAT ARE TELETUBBIES? VOLDEMORT'S LATEST SHOCK TROOPS; and DUMBLEDORE'S SECRET GOLEM ARMY! THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS CONNECTIONS TO THE WORLD'S PREMIERE CANDY MAKERS REVEALED!

All were by some chick named Rita Skeeter.

Anko patiently sipped tea from one of Mrs. Weasley's beautiful heirloom teacups, her pinky extended in a most affected manner as Harry read. He was astonished as to how much the woman had been able to warp his little calming action, taking his already outrageous words and running off with them beyond the bounds of reason and sense. It was misrepresentory, it was practically libel (and as someone who sometimes had to deal with the few angry letters directed about Jiraiya's book and the more often printed slurs against Naruto's character, he'd know), it was to journalism what Gilderoy Lockahrt was to education!

"I think I'm in love," Harry breathed as he continued reading. His inner editor **_SCREAMED_** at him to get this woman signed on with him. There was gold to be made.

Anko rolled her eyes. "I thinking I'm starting to understand you, kid. I _really_ wish I didn't."

Sirius snuffled next to him, and he angled the paper so the Animagus could read. After a while, the dog gave him a look that was as expressive in canine as it was in human: "Are you out of your mind? What were you _thinking/drinking/snorting/doing_?"

Anko sighed as she finished off her tea, looking forlornly into the cup and even more forlornly at a teapot on the table. Then she quietly put down the cup, took the newspaper from Harry's hands– "Hey!"– and set it down on the table next to the pot, before casually reaching over to grab and twist his ear in a gesture that seemed almost maternal, albeit the kind of mother that ended up going to jail for child abuse and exploitation.

Okay. _Ow._

"If the crap on that rag is even a tenth true," she said evenly, eyes narrowing with a seriousness that almost didn't become her, "and if you insist on immersing yourself in it for most of the year for the foreseeable future, then you need training, boya. Lots of it. Starting now."

So saying, she dragged Harry, who was only them remembering to utilize his protest protocols, out the door and into the woods behind the house.

A few minutes later, the explosions, weird noises that sound like cries of pain and the eerie silences began…

* * *

"Hey, aniki, can we borrow your Firebolt? We promise to take care of it!"

"Mrphrmdle…"

"Yes, Harry, I'll make sure Naruto and Sasuke know how to use a broom before they have a go on yours," Ron said.

"Mrphrmdle…"

"Yes, of course we'll stay below the tree-line."

"Mrphrmdle…"

"Yeah, you take care too…"

Harry went back to sleep after a full day of training with Anko, sinking into a pleasant dream of Potions class as Professor Snape hurled abuse. He was such a nice man, such a caring teacher. He was really looking forward to getting back to Hogwarts…

* * *

**- To be continued...**

* * *

A/N: Just to remind everyone, Keeper is not my most crack-heavy Harry, _this_ one is!

I hope people quote a lot from this. I'm secretly addicted to finding quotes of my fics in off-site forums…

Would like to take this opportunity to pimp some of my new fics and fandoms, so that people might be inclined to check them out and leave lots of yummy reviews.

First up is **_Of Medusas in Central Park_**, a **_Fate/Stay Night_** X **_Percy Jackson and The Olympians_** fic where Rider meets Medusa. Those who know who Rider is should realize the significance of this. Also, there is b00b1e5.

Next is **_Temptation_**, a **_Negima!_** fic that focuses on Setsuna and her dark, secret indulgence. Make of that what you will.

Following that is **_Tendo Akane, Master Detective_**. Yes, it is exactly what is says on the box. You guys all know me. How can it not deliver on the fun and crack?

I've also updated **_Raikiri Triken_**, _THE_ crack!fic that will not stop giving. Also, check out my **_Ranma ½ _**X **_Negima!_** crossover, **_Akanema! Magistra Akane Magi!_** It's guaranteed to be full of 100% on-character goodness. Watch as Akane (yes, _that _Akane) throws garlic and empty juiceboxes into Evangeline's mouth (if you don't know who Evangeline is, I pity you)! **_WARNING: ABSOLUTELY 1100% RANMA-FREE FIC! DIED-IN-THE-WOOL AKANE HATERS NEED NOT APPLY!!!_**

Also, see one of my favorite wizards named Harry (no, not _that _Harry, the other one!) from the **_Dresden Files_** as he deals with crazy crossover crack madness in **_The 31st Denarian: Beware The Love Freak!_**, a**_ Dresden Files _**X **_Disgaea_** crossover!

Lastly, see this same Harry meeting with He Who Must Be Snuggled (kudos to **bissek** for the title) in this **_Dresden Files _**x **_Negima! _**Fic, **_When Wizards Meet!_** Definite Negi/Chachamaru/Evangeline/White Court action.

--

**Omake: Welcome To Necrophiles Anonymous!**

--

"Everyone, we have someone new just joining us today," the chairperson of the group, Buffy Summers, said. "Please make him feel welcome."

Harry stood up. "Hello, my name is Uzumaki Harry and I'm a necrophile."

"Hello Harry!" everyone cried.

Harry smiled. "I think I should just make it clear that I'm only here because people keep harping at me to do something about my 'condition'," he said, making air-quotes. "I see no reason to be ashamed of the people I like."

"Good for you!" Sam Manson said, raising a fist in support. "Represent!"

"Yeah!" Bella Swan said.

Everyone looked at her.

"What's she doing here?" Harry said, cautiously reaching for a _kunai_.

"Well, the author doesn't like her and her series much, but he's willing to give them fair, close-enough-to-impartial treatment on this omake, even though their vampires aren't proper undead," Buffy said. "It's keeping in line with his fairness to all policy. Continue."

"Okay," Harry said. He coughed, then continued. "I've known Myrtle since I was twelve, though it seems longer. Ever since we've met, people have been judging us because she was vitally challenged and her movie-version actress wasn't all that great to look at, though she was pretty cute. But I don't care about that! She's a nice person, she gets along well with people now that she's been getting out and not being teased constantly, and my brothers really like her, which is a very big point in her favor. Also, we have a very good writer who probably has some very clever and intelligent way to get around some of the more… ah, biological problems of the relationship. But the fact is she makes me happy."

"Exactly," Asakura Kazumi said, holding the little Sayo doll where her love stayed in on her lap. "People are just jealous of your relationship. Thankfully, my friends are very supportive of my relationship with Sayo."

"And appreciate her reciprocal support," Negi Springfield said next to her, patting her on the shoulder. He was another vampire case, as made obvious by the scarf covering up his puncture marks. "It's thanks to them I'm able to pursue such a fulfilling relationship with Eva-chan."

Harry tapped his lips. "Aren't you in my harem support group?" he said.

"Yeah," Negi said. "So's Tenchi."

"Hey," Masaki Tenchi said, raising a hand in greeting. The ring Haruna bought him glinted on his finger.

Buffy looked at her watch. "Oh looks like we're out of inspiration– I mean, time. See you all next time!"

Everyone waved at the fourth wall. "BYE!" they all said. "AND REMEMBER! A REVIEWED WRITER IS A HAPPY AND MOTIVATED WRITER!"

--

**End!**

--

Please review, C&C welcome. Say a lot about it, please, what you like, what you didn't like. Don't just say 'it's good, update soon'. If you don't tell me what you like, how am I supposed to make more of it?

I realize I'm shamelessly fishing for complements and just don't care.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	18. Much Ado about Sugar and Contracts!

A/N: It is my desire to write something so good I get put on the TvTropes Crowning Moment of Awesome for fanfics (tvtropes. org/ pmwiki/ pmwiki. php/ CrowningMoment/ FanFic) page. Just a hint, you know…

Been re-reading the old chapters to get reacquainted.

* * *

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 18: GoF, Genin Remix 3! "Fun With Reporters, Nudity and Devices!" or "Much Ado about Sugar and Contracts!"

Disclaimer: Hey, some people noticed. Wadda you know…

* * *

Anko stopped tortu– er, _training_ Harry about two days before the start of school. He'd been able to beg off on an important appointment he had managed to set up in between, ah, sessions. Granted, every square inch of him still hurt, but at least he looked presentable.

Harry looked up from the papers he was sorting through as Tom, the barman of the Leaky Cauldron, let in his appointment. He'd have wanted someplace more comfortable, such as Florean Fortesque's for this meeting, but he didn't think that would make the impression he wanted. "Ms. Skeeter," he said, his voice milder than most people who knew him would have believed. "Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice."

The older woman sat down warily on the chair opposite from Harry, her handbag on her lap. She vaguely put Harry to mind of some kind of mini-boss creature, what with her stiff hair, claw-like red nails and rather predatory eyes. Said eyes her watching him intently, fingers twitching as if for a quill. "It was my pleasure, Mr. Potter," she said, her voice radiating innocent interest. "When your letter reached me regarding a private meeting, I could hardly wait. Though it was strangely vague as to the details."

"Yes, I must apologize for that," Harry said, seeing her innocence and raising her Dumbledorian-levels of mildness. "I'm afraid I was caught up in things at the time. I'm sure you understand, a busy professional yourself." He tried his best to channel Lupin as his least werewolf-ish.

"Well, I'm here now, Mr. Potter," Skeeter said, smiling brightly. "What is this all about, exactly?"

For an answer, Harry pulled out the copy of the _Daily Prophet _with its picture of the Dark Mark. "This," Harry said. "I was quite interested in your… spin, of certain reports, and have since begun reading your work quite closely. Your individual slant on matters is certainly… novel."

Skeeter narrowed her eyes, and her posture became aggressive. "Are you insinuating something, Mr. Potter?"

"Only observing that you apparently like to sensationalize your subject matter, regardless of whether or not it is worthy of such treatment," Harry said, voice still mild.

"If you wished to accuse me of libel, Mr. Potter, than I suggest you have your solicitor call my solicitor–!" Skeeter began.

"No need to be outraged, Ms. Skeeter," Harry interrupted. "I admire a certain type of creativity in writers. It was for that very reason that I contacted you."

"Oh?" Skeeter said, still sounding a bit doubtful.

"Indeed," Harry said, twining his fingers before him. "Ms. Skeeter, I am here to make you an offer…"

* * *

"Honey, I'm home!" Harry chirped happily as he stepped out of the fireplace.

"Harry Potter sir!" someone cried, and he felt something tackle his legs.

The dagger was half out of its sheath before Harry realized who it was. "Dobby!" Harry said, recognizing his attacker. "It's been a while! How've you been?"

"Dobby has been free, sir, all thanks to Harry Potter," Dobby said. "Dobby has been looking for work for two years, but Dobby can't find work because Dobby wants paying now. But Dobby's friend Winky told Dobby Harry Potter was looking for Dobby, so Dobby is here."

"He showed up just a little while ago," Ron explained as he and the others gathered around, Naruto and Sasuke most especially. "Said he was looking for you, so we told him to wait."

"Thanks Ron," Harry said, turning towards Dobby. "Dobby, I heard you were having trouble looking for work, so I thought I'd offer you a job."

"A job?" Dobby said, sounding amazed. "Harry Potter is offering Dobby a job, sir?"

"A job," Harry confirmed. "I have enough to pay you a little, but Naruto and Sasuke will be graduating soon, and we'll need someone to help us keep the house tidy back home. How about it? I kinda feel responsible, since I'm the one who freed you and all."

"Harry!" Hermione said indignantly.

"A job!" Dobby said, oblivious to Hermione's outrage on his behalf. "That would be wonderful, Harry Potter, but Dobby wants paying now…"

"And so Dobby should," Harry said, unable to help himself. "How about…" And he rattled off a salary and a list of benefits.

Dobby responded with an astronomically lower number and no benefits. Harry and Hermione both blinked.

"Dobby…" Harry said slowly. "I don't think you quite understand the basics of negotiating your contract. You're supposed to ask for _more_ pay and benefits, not less."

Dobby shook his head. "Dobby likes being paid and being free, Harry Potter, but Dobby likes work more."

"Well, um, good for you, Dobby," Harry said hesitantly. "But you see, we have minimum wage laws were I live, and if I pay you less than what they specify, I could go to jail. So if you insist, I'll go as low as minimum wage, no benefits, how's that?"

Dobby agreed reluctantly. "But it seems too much, Harry Potter," he said.

"Well, think about it this way," Harry said. "You can use it to buy more clothes."

Dobby brightened at this. "Can I start today Harry Potter?"

"I suppose…" Harry said. "Why don't you go help in the kitchen?"

Dobby went scurrying off.

"So…" Naruto said, looking at the direction Dobby had went and hearing Mrs. Weasley's cry of surprise. "I suppose he's moving in with us?"

"We're going to need a bigger apartment…" Sasuke mused.

* * *

Harry sighed as the train pulled away from Platform 9 ¾. He'd seen the last of Anko, Myrtle, Naruto, Sasuke, Sirius, and now Dobby for possibly the next year or so. The two younger boys were going to graduate the Academy soon, Sirius was learning to tend house again and maybe get a secret government job– his ability to Apparate, among other things, had made the old Hokage thoughtful– and even Myrtle was probably going to be busy, what with supervising Dobby. Still, he was going to miss home. Hogwarts was fun, but it was just a place to learn. Konoha was home.

"Was anyone else completely baffled by what they were talking about were talking about?" he said as they made thier way back to their compartment, referring to Mrs. Weasley, Charlie, and Bill's rather cryptic words.

"Yes," Ro, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins said.

"Oh, good, it wasn't just me," Harry said as they reached the compartment they'd left their luggage, the twins went off to find Lee Jordan, leaving the four of them alone. Rain spattered the windows as Pig hooted loudly in his cage, until Harry Silencio-ed him to, well, silence.

"Bagman wanted to tell us what's happening at Hogwarts," Ron grumbled next to Harry. The shinobi would have preferred sitting next to a girl, Ginny for preference, but he didn't feel like getting up right then. "At the world cup, remember? But my own mother won't say. Wonder what–"

"Sh!" Hermione whispered suddenly, pointing towards the compartment next to theirs. They could hear Malfoy talking, something about some place called Durmstrang. They listened for while before Hermione stood to shut the door.

"Thank you, Koneko-chan," Harry said, leaning back and closing his eyes. "I wasn't sure if I could have resisted the temptation of getting up and messing with him a moment longer."

"You're welcome," Hermione said dryly. "And don't call me that!"

"Whatever you say, Koneko-chan," Harry muttered drowsily, seemingly oblivious to the little vein twitching on Hermione's forehead.

"I know I have that bat in here somewhere…" she muttered as looked up at her luggage.

"Oh, give it a rest," Ginny said. "Look at him. He's too pathetic to do anything to."

Harry raised an indignant finger. "I resent that remark!"

"See?" Ginny said. "If he'd been his usual self, he'd have… oh, I don't know, tried to out-wit us or something."

"Got you there, mate," Ron said.

"Zzzzz…"

The three stared. "Well, that's new," Hermione commented.

Harry woke up every time the door opened, they later found out, and he got into a progressively worse mood with every interruption of his nap, until he decided, around lunch time, to just forget about going to sleep, buying several candies in addition to the Cauldron Cakes he got everyone for lunch, and bingeing himself into a sugar high.

Hermione was in the middle of chiding him about oral hygiene and diabetes when Neville entered, and she was just winding down when Malfoy finally made that day's appearance, interrupting Ron's story.

"Malfoy!" a suddenly hyper Harry cried, jumping from his seat and suddenly being too close to Malfoy for comfort. "Ohmygosh, howareyou, didyouhaveagoodsummer, whatdidyouthink oftheQuidditchmatch, didyouseethatstory aboutmeinthepaper, yousmelldifferent, areyouusingsome newkindofhairgel, anywaywhat areyoudoinghere?"

Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle stared at the rush of words. Harry took the time look al over the compartment, out the window, and out the hallway.

"He's on a sugar high," Hermione explained almost apologetically.

The three Slytherins all took an involuntary step back. While they'd never seen Harry on a sugar high, they could extrapolate from what they knew and what they were seeing him do right then. "Never mind," Malfoy muttered, and the three beat a hasty retreat.

"Don'tbeastranger!" Harry yelled after him, pulling the door shut with a bang. "Man, thatwasfun! Dowehaveanymorecandy?"

The three trapped with him looked longingly towards the door.

* * *

The high had pretty much settled down as they arrived at their destination, meaning there were actual discernable spaces between Harry's words, and he only performed a restrained tap dance number as he sang 'Singing in the Rain' in a passable impersonation of Gene Kelly. Many students circled around him, the weather not helping their sense of humor and fellowship. Some of the more impressionable students joined him. Hagrid eventually had to break them up, and the new students waved goodbye to Harry as they made their way towards the lake.

"That can't be safe," Hermione commented as they watched the first years head off to the water. Well, water not falling from the sky, anyway. She, Ron, Ginny and Neville gratefully climbed into one, shutting the door behind them. Harry danced the whole way to Hogwarts, switching from show tunes to what sounded vaguely like Japanese drinking songs.

"Mental, that one," Ron said as they watched him keeping up with them outside the carriage, doing several somersaults and bouncing from his feet to his hands like a possessed slinky.

"It's a rule," Ginny said. "No more sugar highs."

"Agreed," Neville said.

"It can't be healthy for him anyway," Hermione said. "Think of the state of his teeth!"

The four of them rushed into the Entrance Hall, Harry following at a more sedate pace, completely soaked and randomly dancing on the marble.

"Hey Peeves," he greeted the Poltergeist hovering with a batch of water balloons, smiling beatifically. "Ron, heads up."

"What?" Splash. "Argggh! PEEVES!"

"I did warn you Ron," Harry said.

"PEEVES!" Professor McGonagall cried. "Peeves, come down here at ONCE!"

Harry grabbed her as she skidded and almost fell. "Easy professor," he said. "It's not safe for you to be rushing around like that."

"Your concern is noted, Mr. Potter," she said, straightening. "PEEVES, get down here NOW!"

"Not doing nothing!" cackled Peeves as he lobbed water balloons down at the students. "Already wet, aren't they? Little squirts! Wheeeeeeeeee!"

"I shall call the headmaster!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "I'm warning you, Peeves—"

Peeves stuck out his tongue, ditching the last of his ammo as he flew away, cackling.

"Well, move along, then!" said Professor McGonagall sharply to the bedraggled crowd. "Into the Great Hall, come– MR. POTTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"

Everyone turned towards Harry and Ginny's knees nearly collapsed, only Ron's last-minute grab towards her preventing her from falling.

Harry had stripped off his sodden robes, which were now lying on a pile on the floor, along with his shirt and the sandal-like footwear he preferred over shoes. The pouches he habitually wore where hanging off his belt, which hung across his bare chest bandolier-fashion. He was in the midst of taking off his pants.

"Taking off my clothes, professor," Harry said brightly. "After all, I'm completely soaked from singing in the rain, and staying in these wet things is liable to give me a cold." He seemed completely oblivious to the fact he was almost naked, or that several of the girls were staring at him in quite rapt attention. One seemed to be trying to turn away, muttering, "No, we don't think of Gryffindorslike that, we don't about Gryffindors like that…".

"He's on a sugar high," Ron explained to Professor McGonagall.

The teacher rolled her eyes. "Of course he is," she said, sounding a bit like Snape as she said it. She waved her wand, and a fresh set of clothes appeared. "Get changed quickly Mr. Potter. And next time, please restrain the urge towards exhibitionism."

"Aye aye, Professor," Harry said brightly, giving her a jaunty salute. She just rolled her eyes again as he got dressed, to many disappointed sighs.

By the time they managed to enter the Great Hall, Harry had was wearing mostly dry clothes again, to the annoyance of some who'd come in still wet.

"Hey Nick," Harry greeted. "Good to see your head's still off. I was kinda afraid it would glue itself back on or something."

"No, your decapitation had taken very well, Harry, thank you very much," the Gryffindor ghost said. "A pleasure to see you again. Had a good summer?"

"It was mostly hell," Harry said. "I'm really looking forward to seeing Professor Snape again."

"Put like that, it sounds kinda…" Ron hesitated.

"Stalker-ish?" Harry suggested brightly.

"At best," Hermione agreed.

* * *

Life at Hogwarts was blessedly boring for the first few weeks. Well, at least as boring as things ever got in that place. He'd dropped off that year's set of Icha Icha books among the years to little fanfare. They were obviously getting used to it. Harry spent what little private time he had going over the scrolls he'd picked up. Summoning became increasingly more complicated the bigger and more complex the object or entity you summoned. Not to be confused with sealing, which was to put objects and entities inside other objects and entities. They were similar enough to give him hope and different enough to make him wish he had Hermione's brain. _She_ never had problem with complex things!

He persevered, however. If Jiraiya could accomplish this, so could he! He'd done the man's taxes and financials, as well as his own, since he was old enough to realize the man couldn't spellcheck to save his life! HE COULD DO THIS!!!!!

Harry checked that thought for number of question marks and went of to train something else before he went stir crazy.

Hagrid had managed to bring honest to goodness monsters to class this year. They were certainly disgusting and dangerous. Harry wondered how you'd go about breaking one in as a pet. Train one, then summon one up in battle…

The dreamy look as he took care of his Blast-Ended Skrewt even as it exploded and tried to attack him made a lot of people _very_ nervous. It didn't help that he kept suddenly laughing that creepy "Ku ku ku" laugh of his.

Harry wasn't sure what to make of Mad-Eye Moody. He had the aura of a grizzled veteran about him– theatrically so, almost– and he _definitely_ had the battle-field injuries to prove it, he was apparently of the hard-knocks school of combat– which Harry approved of– and he didn't care one little bit about pesky things like laws when in the pursuit of teaching kids how to kick ass. All this made him, in Harry's eyes, one of the coolest teachers in the school.

So he couldn't for the life of him understand why the man made him think of Anko. He'd look _horrible_ in fishnets.

He'd have to get that trick of turning Malfoy into a ferret from him, though…

He also made a note to talk with Neville about what had happened at that first class. There had been a sense of déjà vu about how the boy reacted, something that seemed familiar…

Harry kept out of the way of Hermione's activist activities, beyond supporting her as a friend. It really wasn't his headache. Besides, what he's seen of the House Elves said they were happy. Who was he to mess with that?

The teachers, especially McGonagall were really piling on the work. Professor Snape was making them research antidotes, but that was all right, since Harry was fairly certain he'd need it. The Summoning Charm, however, made Harry break out in sympathetic headaches, remembering his own attempts to understand another kind of summoning.

And then there was the Triwizard Tournament.

It was coming. The buzz had started that first night, and it had been lurking beneath the surface like a shark, and Harry had certainly been caught up in it, if only a little. It sort of reminded him of what Iruka-sensei had once told them about the chuunin exams, which basically amounted to ways the schools could show off to each other. Fine by him. He approved.

So on the 30th of October, he stood in line with everyone else in cloaks and hats as they waited to greet the other schools. Professor McGonagall had tried to et him to take off his forehead protector, but he'd stubbornly moved it to around his neck. He wasn't taking it off, darn it!

He managed not to look like a gawking idiot when the flying carriage came in. The Beauxbatons Headmistress was certainly eye-catching. Harry wondered if Hagrid thought so too. He made a note to start organizing 'How To Romance A Girl' lesson plans for Hagrid.

As Madame Maxime and her students passed through the Hogwarts crowd to enter the castle, Harry's womanizing instincts came to the fore. He nudged some of his Housemates, then stepped forward, pulling the cloak off his back. He took a second to pick his target, and casually draped it on the shoulders of a very good looking silvery blonde girl who was clutching a muffler around her head and quite obviously freezing. She looked up at him in surprise, but Harry just smiled brightly and casually returned to his place in line, jerking his head in an indicative manner at the other boys.

Surprisingly, Ron managed to get it first, moving forward and offering his cloak to a nice looking surprised brown-haired girl who looked vaguely like Hermione– which Harry had to repress loud knowing laughter for– who gratefully accepted the garment. His brothers, quicker on the uptake, were right behind him, and soon there was a small rush of Hogwarts students literally offering the cloaks off their backs to the Beauxbatons. Harry noted with amusement the rather predatory light in the eyes of the girls who offered their cloaks to the Beauxbaton boys.

This, of course, caused a small delay in the proceedings as but Harry didn't think the teacher's minded. Indeed, he caught a few exchanging looks, some of them clearly proud, at the apparent generosity. There had certainly been a lot of appreciative and interested looks over the foreign students' shoulders.

"What was that about?" Ron hissed at Harry as they made their way back in line, now a bit colder withuot their cloaks. "I mean, obviously, it was to look nice in front of some cute new girls–"

"He's learning," Harry said to Seamus and Dean, who snickered a bit shakily, both also cloakless.

"– but now what?" Ron finished, hands tucked into his arms for warmth.

"Now comes phase two," Harry said cheerfully. He turned to the girls a little ways off. "Hey, Hermione, Ginny, can Ron and I share your cloaks?"

Ron went red. It provided a lot of warmth for the next few minutes.

Dumrstrang's arrival was a lot less interesting. They had their own cloaks, to start with, and even appeared a little overdressed for the occasion. And Harry couldn't make out one cute girl among them. heck, he couldn't even make out any sort of girl among them. What kind of school were they?

Sure, they had a famous Quidditch player– as Ron and several of his schoolmates were realizing to their impending fangasm– but what kind of school had no girls?

Then Harry remembered the Bulgarian mascots from the Quidditch Cup. If all of them were like Veela… well, good enough reason to keep them at home. Wouldn't want them to be charmed away by good-looking Hogwarts students right?

Selfish bastards.

"For heaven's sake, Ron, he's only a Quidditch player," he heard Hermione say as they headed back into the castle.

"Now Hermione, there's no need to be jealous," he said, unable to resist. "I'm sure Ron still loves you just as much. You just need to let him get the boyhood crush out of his system."

"Harry!" Ron cried at him.

Hermione raised a hand to her mouth for a moment.

When they sat down at the Gryffindor table, the Beauxbatons students, recognizing the ones who'd lent them their cloaks, chose to join them. There were many happy looks from this. The silver blonde girl who Harry had lent his cloak to sat next to him, smiling at him thankfully, though she kept the cloak, apparently still feeling cold. On Harry's other side, Ginny was looking down at her utensils intently, her knife clutched tight.

"Zank you for ze cloak," she said, smiling at Harry. "It is much appreciated."

"You're welcome," Harry graciously. "Keep it. I have another one. It's a small price to pay to make your acquaintance. I'm Harry, by the way."

"Fleur," she said, giving him a bright smile. A heady feeling came over him, vaguely familiar.

"Has anyone told you you're very beautiful today?" Harry found himself saying. "I say 'today' because you must get it all the time."

A chuckle. "No, not today. You are ze first."

A small, rebellious part of his mind kicked Harry, and he changed tactics. It would not do to let her control the conversation. He knew that from experience. "I was wondering if you could help my friend Ron, Fleur. You see, he was very interested in meeting that classmate of yours a while ago, the one with the curly brown hair, and we were wondering if you could give us a name?"

She looked at Ron, who suddenly went very red. Hermione reached a hand under the table, and Harry could barely make out the sound of her tapping that bat she carried around on the stone floor.

"Oh, zat is Mercuria," Fleur said. "She recently broke up wiz er boyfriend, and needs comforting."

"Really?" Harry said, giving Ron a look. The boy went redder. The tapping under the table got louder.

"What is that noise?" one of the Beauxtons boys sitting next to an interested Parvati said.

"It's the tragic legacy of a maiden looking for love," Harry said with a perfectly straight face, which was tested when he felt someone kick his shins. He just smiled at Hermione, who did it again. He turned back to Fleur. "So, what are my boy Ron's chances with your friend Mercuria?"

You could _hear_ Hermione's teeth grinding.

* * *

When dinner ended, everyone turned expectantly towards Professor Dumbledore, who'd stood up. "The moment has come. The Triwizard Tournament is about to start. I would like to say a few words of explanation before we bring in the casket just to clarify the procedure that we will be following this year. But first, let me introduce, for those who do not know them, Mr. Bartemius Crouch, Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation and Mr. Ludo Bagman, Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports."

There was some applause as Harry wondered how effective a projectile the golden plate in front of him would make. He'd have to test it somehow…

He made some calculations as Professor Dumbledore went on about the Tournamanet and procedure, only half-listening, though he did come up when Dumbledore mentioned the procedure for how to be chosen as champion. He knew he wasn't the only one. The Weasley twins were obviously interested, as were a couple of people clearly too young. Perhaps it wouldn't be too difficult to gain minions for what he had planned…

As they left the Great Hall, Harry bid Fleur good bye, and got a coy smile and a blown kiss for his trouble, he couldn't help but grin at that. Ah, she was experienced, that one. It would be fun to play with her, and he had the feeling she thought so too. Off to the side, he could hear the twins talking to each other, and he spun around, putting a hand on their shoulders.

"Come on you two," he said. "We've got things to do."

"Oh?" Fred– most likely Fred– said.

Harry looked towards where Goblet of Fire stood in the Middle of the Entrance Hall, it's blue flames flickering. "Yeah. You want to get your names in, right? Well, I have a plan."

The twins looked at each other. "We're in," George said.

"Good," Harry said, now switching to 'Evil Plotting' mode. "George, I need you to go upstairs and get me pens, parchment, and every single Gryffindor who wants in on this. Fred, go down to the kitchen and get me…" he paused. "A cheese wire, at least four dozen jelly donuts with powdered sugar or white frosting, a fishing rod, a few tennis balls, and if you think you can do it without harm, Peeves."

They exchanged looks again, but went off. Harry stared at the Goblet, surrounded by its golden line. Ten feet of distance. It was almost too easy…

After the consuming all of the donuts for energy, attempts at getting the slip of parchment with their names on it began. For the next three hours, between stepping into s side corridor whenever Filch or someone came into the Entrance Hall, Harry, the twins, most of the boys in Harry's dorm, and a few of the twin's friends took turns experimenting with how to throw a slip of parchment into the Goblet. They were crumpled, tied to rocks and other heavy objects (the kitchens lost some silverware), stuffed into tennis balls, and folded into all manner of paper airplanes. Harry even tried to tying then to his _kunai_ and throwing them in, but for some reason he couldn't get the angle right and kept either striking the sides or skimming them off the top.

They went with the fishing line next, which kept them busy for about an hour before they realized that even if this worked, it would take too long to get everyone's names in.

_That's_ when things started turning Rude-Goldberg…

* * *

The next day was Saturday, so most people usually slept in. the previous day's excitement, however, had made a lot of people rise earlier than usual, and Hermione was among them. She wanted to go down to breakfast with her friends, but both Ron and Harry seemed to have vanished. Finally, she joined Ginny in heading downstairs. As they descended, they found a crowd milling around the balconies and railings overlooking the entrance hall, so of course they stopped to look.

What they saw had then running for the ground floor.

"Keep it steady!" Harry cried as he held one end of some kind of contraption. Hermione wasn't sure what it was supposed to do, except that it seemed to be made of spoons and forks from the Entrance hall, a loaf of bread, several yards of string and yarn, tubes that she recognized as disassembled telescopes, tree branches and some of the long-armed tools they used in Herbology. "Now, Dean!"

Dean Thomas, just one of the many boys and a few girls in the Entrance Hall holding or handling something, let go of the rope he held, releasing a bucket on a makeshift pulley. Parts of the contraption flexed, turned, pulled, pushed, and in one case was eaten by a cat as a thick sheaf of parchment fell towards the glowing blue flames of the Goblet of Fire in a perfect arc.

Everyone held their breath.

Perhaps this caused a sudden change in room temperature, because the trajectory of the parchment's suddenly shifted, clipping the side of the Goblet– which didn't move an inch– and falling to the floor, joining an already thick carpeting of parchment slips. The contraption collapsed soon afterwards.

There were various cries of anguish. Someone kicked a wall, then immediately regretted it.

"Harry Potter, what on earth do you think you're doing?!?!?!?!?!" Hermione cried, knowing she wasn't sounding rational.

Harry looked up at her, and she nearly stepped back. His eyes were wide, a bit bloodshot and slightly unfocussed. There was powdered sugar at the corners of his mouth, and he smelled of sweat and exertion. Come to think of it, a lot of them did. The boys and girls with Harry all looked like they'd been working all night with no sleep. It was a look Hermione hadn't seen in a while. "Harry, have you been up all night?!" she exclaimed, and it _was_ an exclamation.

"Yes," he said, very quickly. Then he seemed to dismiss her, looking at the collapsed remains of the contraption, before shaking his head. "All right everyone, sugar break while I map out plan number 73!"

Hermione opened her mouth, about to say _something_… then looked around the hall, at all the things littered all around the floor, at the large amount of parchment all around the ground around the Goblet of Fire. She turned around and headed back the way she came, intent on reaching her bed and going back to sleep. Obviously, this was just a hallucination brought upon by waking up early. She'll just go back to bed and go back to sleep, and when she woke up properly, around noon, this would all have never happened…

Harry blinked as Hermione walked away, then shrugged, going back to his work. "Summer! Fawcett!" he called out to the two who had shown up earlier that morning and tried to get through with Ageing potions. "Come over here, we need to shave your beards! We also need some coal, saltpeter, sulfur, and one of those pumpkins from the Great Hall…"

* * *

The building crew ran off when the Beauxtons came in to put in their names, apparently retaining enough vanity to not want to be seen by them when they haven't slept in hours and hadn't taken a bath yet. They were soon back at work, however, trying to build a catapult launch delivery system for putting names into the Goblet. When that failed they tried to make a slingshot system. When _that_ failed they tried to make something with this claylike grey blob Harry had. It exploded quite nicely, but beyond that, nothing happened. Then they tried…

At around half-past five, only Harry remained, the others resigned to nothing working and had gone off to get showered and changed for the Halloween Feast. He was trying to stick in a thick sheaf of parchment slips with his name on them by the expedient of having stuck the parchments on the end of a spike on a stick and trying to make them fall into the fire. At quarter to six, however, Filch arrived to move the Goblet, glaring at Harry and the mess all around the Goblet. Harry completely ignored him as he harangued him and threatened all sorts of things that were frankly quite boring after Anko.

Eventually, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny grabbed him and, unable to drag him off to get changed, cast _Scourgify_ on every square inch of him they could cast it on. He grumbled about this, a bit dazed and already experiencing sleep-deprivation tunnel vision. They managed to get him seated and he ate automatically, his body's need for food finally getting the better of him. Occasionally, when he was sure Professor McGonagall wasn't looking, he wrapped a parchment around a knife or work and tried to throw it into the flames. It kept bouncing off the edge far too often to be statistically possible. Professor Dumbledore certainly seemed to be amused by it. The visitors just kept looking up in surprise when they heard the sound of silverware tinkling on the stones.

Finally came the choosing of the Champions…

"Viktor Krum!"

Cheering.

"Fleur Delacour!"

More cheering.

"Cedric Diggory!"

Lots of cheering from Hufflepuff and other Houses.

And as Dumbledore made his closing speech, the Goblet let out one last name.

"Harry Potter."

There was silence. Then…

"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… "

The Great Hall developed a collective sweatdrop as they stared at the boy asleep at the Gryffindor table, head sideways on the table and drooling slightly.

Ginny poked him gently. "Harry…"

"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… "

She shook his shoulder. "Harry."

"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… "

She shook him harder. "_Harry_."

"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………… "

Hermione sighed in frustration and drew out her bat. "Harry!" she cried, swinging the bat in an overhead arc.

Harry's hand went up and caught the bat before it hit him. His head was slower in getting into gear, mouth slightly open and he blinked blearily around him. "Wha…?" he said unintelligibly, wondering why everyone was staring at him "Hwa?"

"Up and at 'em, Harry," Ron said as he pulled the other boy to his feet amidst the silent onlookers. "Professor Dumbledore wants to talk to you."

"Wasn't me," Harry said muzzily. "I was nowhere near Professor Snape's bedroom."

Ron twitched, nearly dropping Harry, but managed to rally as the people who heard that started gagging. "No, it's not about that Harry. Wake up and he'll tell you."

He practically sleep-walked towards the Head Table, only vaguely aware of things around him. He retained enough presence of mind not to walk into the Head Table, and looked up, blinking at Dumbledore. He had to be told twice to go into the little room off to the side, and he bumped his face into the door because he'd started walking with his eyes closed, but eventually he made it through.

The room, lit only by a fire was hypnotically soothing and nearly made Harry close his eyes and go to sleep right there. His eyes fell on Fleur however, and a combination of instincts, vanity, and hormones kicked and he straightened, feeling, if not awake, at least able to fake it for as long as needed.

"'Arry? What is it?" she said. "Do zey want us back in ze Hall?"

"Uh, no," Harry said, discreetly wiping the drool at the corner of his mouth. "Um, I'm not quite sure why I'm here myself. I was kinda asleep at the table…"

Behind him, the door opened, and Bagman entered the room. He took Harry by the arm and led him forward.

"Extraordinary!" he muttered, squeezing Harry's arm. "Absolutely extraordinary! Gentlemen... lady," he added, approaching the fireside and addressing the other three. "May I introduce—incredible though it may seem—the fourth Triwizard champion?"

The boys looked at confused at that. Harry knew _he_ was, since he could clearly remember what he'd been trying to do most of the day. Fleur Delacour, however, tossed her hair, smiling, and said, "Oh, vairy funny joke, Meester Bagman."

"Joke?" Bagman repeated, bewildered. "No, no, not at all! Harry's name just came out of the Goblet of Fire!"

Krum's thick eyebrows contracted slightly. Cedric was still looking politely bewildered. Fleur frowned. Harry blinked, wondering if he was still asleep.

"Wait, that can't be right!" he protested. "I've been trying to put my name into the stupid cup _ALL DAY!_ I'm fairly certain I wasn't able to get it to go in once!"

"It's true," Cedric nodded in agreement and some amusement. "We all saw him. All day. I distinctly remember because he borrowed my bag to use for some kind of sling…"

"I'll get you a new one," Harry said. "It would have worked if the thing hadn't caught fire…"

"But evidently zair 'as been a mistake," Fleur said contemptuously to Bagman. "E cannot compete. 'E is too young."

"Well... it is amazing," said Bagman, rubbing his smooth chin and smiling down at Harry. "But, as you know, the age restriction was only imposed this year as an extra safety measure. And as his name's come out of the goblet... I mean, I don't think there can be any ducking out at this stage... It's down in the rules, you're obliged... Harry will just have to do the best he—"

The door behind them opened again, and a large group of people came in: Professor Dumbledore, followed closely by Mr. Crouch, Professor Karkaroff, Madame Maxime, Professor McGonagall, and Professor Snape. Harry heard the buzzing of the hundreds of students on the other side of the wall, before Professor McGonagall closed the door.

"Madame Maxime!" said Fleur at once, striding over to her headmistress. "Zey are saying zat zis little boy is to compete also!"

Harry bristled. Boy? _Excuse_ me?

"Boy? _Excuse_ me?" Harry said out loud indignantly. Snape turned his head, most of his face suddenly in shadow, but Harry was fairly certain he was smirking. He ignored this as best as he could. "Listen Fleur, I'll have you know that–!"

"_Not_ now Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall snapped, while Snape made suspicious coughing sounds.

Madame Maxime drew herself up. The top of her head brushed the candle-filled chandelier, and her gigantic black-satin bosom swelled. Harry resisted the urge to look. "What is ze meaning of zis, Dumbly-dorr?" she said imperiously.

"I'd rather like to know that myself, Dumbledore," said Karkaroff. "Two Hogwarts champions? I don't remember anyone telling me the host school is allowed two champions—or have I not read the rules carefully enough?"

"C'est impossible," said Madame Maxime, her hand on Fleur's shoulder. "Ogwarts cannot 'ave two champions. It is most injust."

"We were under the impression that your Age Line would keep out younger contestants, Dumbledore," said Karkaroff. "Otherwise, we would, of course, have brought along a wider selection of candidates from our own schools."

"It _did_ keep us out," Harry said, conflicting emotions whirling inside him as he tried to catch up with events. "For crying out loud, I was out in the Entrance Hall doing I forget how many insane plots to try and get a slip of parchment into the thing. I can quite definitely say I haven't been able to get within ten feet of the thing!"

"Of course you would say that," Karkaroff said scornfully.

Professor Dumbledore looked at Harry, and the light glinted off his spectacles such that it was hard to say what his expression was. Harry really needed to learn that trick. "Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?" he asked calmly.

"No," Harry said definitely. "Though it wasn't from lack of trying."

Another suspicious sound rose from Snape.

"Did you ask an older student to put it into the Goblet of Fire for you?" said Professor Dumbledore, ignoring Snape.

"No," Harry said, sighing. "Though, again, it wasn't from lack of trying. Honestly, you'd think teenagers would be more susceptible to bribery, but no such luck!" Professor McGonagall glared at him for that.

"And he quite definitely did not cross the Age Line," Dumbledore said. "Otherwise we would not have been privy to the amusing sight of him and his compatriots trying to stubbornly to circumvent it. I was particularly impressed with that plan involving mothballs and that telescope casing…"

"So glad to amuse," Harry said dryly.

There was much bickering about that, mostly of a legalistic nature, which Harry tuned out. There was something about rules, and at some point Professor Moody showed up and there was talk of magically binding contracts. He honestly didn't get what that was about. They eventually… resigned themselves to his participation. He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that…

One thing was for sure. He wasn't going to let whoever set him up get away with this. Sure, he wanted to get into the tournament, but on _his_ terms. Not as part of some– if Moody was to be believed– some Byzantine plot to get him killed!

* * *

**- To be continued...**

* * *

A/N: I momentarily debated the idea of Blast-Ended Skrewt Summons, then decided against it. They're shown to be untamable, violently hormonal (or is that hormonally violent?), and they can't talk or eventually teach Harry any fancy charka techniques.

But _**MAN,**_ wouldn't it be cool?

Mercuria is a perfectly valid girl's name.

I'm not getting into the legality of the Goblet of Fire in-story. Please don't bring it up. Though knowing how the only other magical contract present in the series, the Unbreakable Oath, works, and knowing how old and therefore even more medieval the Goblet is, it'll probably kill you if you don't compete. As for how something Harry didn't put in is binding for him, I regard it as a form of identity theft. If someone steals your credit card, _you_'re still the one paying the bills. I suppose it's kinda like that. Besides, chances are it's a real signature, most likely from a homework assignment.

* * *

**Omake: Meanwhile, Back In Konoha…**

* * *

Sirius briefly wondered what his family would think as he made his way through the packed-dirt, sunny streets of Konoha, walking instead of Apparating because it was such a nice day. Not that he _cared_ what they thought, but it was something to amuse himself. While his family vaguely acknowledged the idea of 'work', it was mainly as something that happened at least three degrees of separation from a Black, preferably to someone else. The most work his family ever did was spending their money.

His mother would probably have had a heart attack (or an attack on whatever organ she used to pump blood) if she could see him now. It was a thought to make him smile.

Checking the address in front of him against his notebook, he put on a professional smile and knocked on the door. When it opened, he said, "Sirius Magic Mess Removal. Is this the right house?"

It was probably the silliest business idea he'd been able to think of, but he'd always been decently good at Cleaning Charms and Vanishing Spells, and he had no costs at all. Things always needed to be cleaned, ensuring a steady line of work. And thanks to some recommendations on his behalf by Iruka, he had a nice list of ninjas who'd pay to have weapons cleaned quickly and perfectly after a messy mission.

It was a decent living, and he'd finally started contributing to the household budget.

And it helped take his mind off his godson's situation…

* * *

Dobby was happy. He was now the House Elf of Harry Potter, the greatest, kindness, most powerful Wizard in the world! Never had he dreamed, all those months ago when he'd tried to do his most unworthy best to keep The-Boy-Who-Lived from harm that he'd be standing here today.

'Here' was definitely a strange place, since Dobby wasn't used to places with no Wizards whatsoever, except for Sirius Black, but Dobby didn't mind. He had this whole place to take care of, all by himself! He'd found all the nasty places where dust tried to hide, but no dust would be allowed to befoul the home of Harry Potter, not on Dobby's watch!

Masters Naruto and Sasuke, Harry Potter's brothers, were every bit as wonderful as Harry Potter himself. They never punished Dobby, even when he almost threw out the instant ramen because he thought it had gone bad, and Master Naruto had yelled a lot. Instead, after he'd calmed down, he'd been very nice to Dobby, personally making Dobby a cup of Ramen and letting him eat it while he explained how it was the greatest food in the world. It made Dobby want to cry with joy. To think he'd almost thrown out such heavenly food, and instead of being told to go away, he'd been given some to eat! He almost punished himself for being such a bad House Elf, except one of Harry Potter's rules had been that Dobby was never to punish or hurt himself. Truly, Harry Potter was the Greatest of All Wizards!

Master Sasuke kept himself very neat, and sometimes cleaned things before Dobby could get to them. this had made Dobby very afraid, until Master Sasuke had explained that he felt guilty for all the work Dobby had to do, taking care of him, Master Naruto and Master Sirius, and was trying to make things easier for Dobby. Easier! For a House Elf! NO ONE had EVER tried to make things easier for House Elves!

He was even getting paid now, with so much money Dobby almost didn't know what to do with it. All this money, all for him, so he could buy all clothes he wanted! Any clothes! And not just clothes, but wonderful things like chocolate and candy and Pocky and ramen! Every day, it was almost like he'd died and gone to that Heaven place only Wizards supposedly went!

Dobby was happy.

* * *

Hinata was… well, to put it mildly, she was something on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Since Harry-san's birthday more than a year ago, she'd been inundated in near-daily crack-brained schemes by her fellow kunoichi in training. There'd been plans that involved flowers, plans that involved her getting some form of makeover that nearly always included her getting a tube top or fishnet shirt (and they seemed eternally surprised by the fact she had an average-sized chest rather than a pair of oversized bladders each the size of her head under her jacket), plans that involved leaving love confessions at his desk, all the same plans, each in thousands of minute variations.

If Hinata wasn't such a nice person, she'd have been cursing the day she'd met Harry and planning his imminent demise, all between telling her classmates to (Bleep) off and die. As it was, she kept telling herself (and genuinely believing it) that Harry had only the best of intentions at heart (which, to be fair, he did), and he wasn't to know how her classmates would react to what he'd said all those months ago when he'd had Myrtle tell everyone about Sasuke's 'vow' not to have a girlfriend before she had a boyfriend, and that she should be grateful her classmates were so enthusiastic in their desire to help.

That was all the kept her knowledge of fire jutsu (courtesy of Sasuke-san, who she was glad to see was getting good use out of those leather-hose arm guards she'd gotten him) and how to shape charka in scalpels from turning her classmates into so much ash and sliced meat.

Class started, and everyone settled down as she sat in her seat between Naruto and Sasuke.

On the other hand, she conceded as she watched Naruto out of the corner of her eye while Iruka-sensei told them about the genin qualifying exam they were taking, things could definitely be worse…

* * *

**END!**

* * *

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	19. Phallumegaly & Other Tournament Matters!

A/N: Naruto and Sasuke will not, nor will they ever, go to Hogwarts to learn magic. They're not even genetically related to Harry, how could they? Besides, given all the power-ups they'll get, Harry deserves to have _something_ that's only his…

Anyway, some of the stuff people keep bugging me about show up in this chapter. Also, please let it be known that I Have spoke to Chosha Kurenai, writer of Uchiha-Potter (it's supposed to be hyphenated, btw, since it's a last-name), and we are aware of similarities. Please stop bringing it up, as we are in no way ripping each other off. I'd like to point out my story came before theirs (see the publish date?), and this is merely a case of parallel evolution.

...

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 19: GoF, Genin Remix 4! Phallumegaly And Other Tournament Matters!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me.

...

All that kept Harry awake as he headed up to Gryffindor tower was rage, indignation, and a fervent desire to kill someone. It would not be inaccurate to call him 'incandescent'.

He remembered the dream that had woken him up and led to that argument with Sirius. Was this what Voldemort meant? Was he behind this? It wasn't unlikely. He tried to remember what that dream had contained. Something about a faithful servant?

Harry paused, repressing the urge to look over his shoulder.

Was it possible? Did Voldemort have another agent like Quirrel in Hogwarts?

…

Well, at least he'd have an acceptable target for his rage when he found him.

The Fat Lady wasn't alone when he reached the entrance to Gryffindor. He vaguely recognized one of the painting figures in the room the champions had met in. She opened her mouth, but he held up a warning finger.

"Before you say anything," he said, "I'd just like to say that I've always liked you, and infinitely prefer you to Sir Cadogan. That said, please be informed that I haven't slept in almost forty hours. I'm tired, I'm shaking, and I've just been entered into the Triwizard tournament against my will, possibly in an attempt to kill me, so I'm pissed off and want to take it out on someone. And I'm very good at setting things on fire. Now, you were about to say?"

The Fat Lady and her friend kept silent.

"I thought so. Balderdash."

The portrait hole opened to a low murmur of conversation that died out as Harry– a bit clumsily; he was starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation more acutely– made his way into the common room. He looked up to see most of Gryffindor House staring at him. Even the twins were silent.

"It wasn't me," Harry said firmly. "I wasn't the one to put my name in. You all know that, right?"

Many people nodded. A lot of them had been there, after all.

"Good. That saves me the trouble of beating it into you," Harry said curtly, then visibly winced. "Sorry. It's been a long day. Moody says this is all a plot to kill me."

"He would," someone at the back called out. There was some scattered laughter.

Harry allowed himself a wry twist to his mouth. "I think he's right." The laughter died. "The other schools are calling this a plot to ensure Hogwarts wins the cup, but we all know Dumbledore wouldn't do anything like that, and neither would the teachers. So barring that possibility, the only thing to be gained is my death."

There was a moment of silence as this sank in. People were frowning, as if this was a lot to take in. It probably was. They weren't ninja. The possibility someone might honestly and heartlessly want to take your life was foreign to them. Heaven preserve their innocence.

Then there was a loud sigh. Everyone's head's turned towards Hermione, who'd taken out a sheet of parchment and was making a big show of looking over its contents.

"Let's see," she said out loud. "Made a spectacle of himself… check. Shamelessly directed the majority of his wanton attentions at a new girl… check. Has made people wonder what the heck is up with him and Professor Snape… check. Gotten himself into a situation that will be likely to cause grievous bodily harm or even death by the end of the year…" She theatrically ticked something off the list. "Check!"

"Hermione," Harry said, staring at her. "What is that?"

"It's the checklist of things to watch out for with you," Hermione said. "I made it at the end of last year. I'm tired of having to keep track of all the occupational hazards of being your friend in my head, so I wrote it all down."

As Harry wondered whether he should feel betrayed by this, people began looking over Hermione's shoulder to read the list.

"Show another aspect of his sexual deviance?" Lavender Brown read.

"So far, we have Necrophilia, female Wereailurophillia, and Snape-o-philia," Hermione said. Everyone winced at the last.

"I'm not attracted to Professor Snape," Harry protested. "I just happen to think he's an excellent teacher and a wonderful human being. And what's female Wereailurophillia?"

Hermione looked him in the eye. "Sexual attraction to catgirls."

"That's completely normal! Catgirls are hot!"

"Here, here," Colin Creevey muttered. Everyone gave him funny looks. He blushed, but like his hero stood his ground.

"At least this time I have forewarning," Hermione said.

Harry tilted his head, frowning at her. "What, you're going to take this time to map out your escape plan and alibi?"

"No, I'm going to see about getting my hands on healing potions, bandages and setting alibis for you."

There was a beat.

"Hermione, have I ever told you how hot and sexy and hot you are?"

She didn't so much as bat an eyelash, or even noticeably change color. "Oh, _now_ you notice."

Harry shrugged, took a step forward, and collapsed on the floor. He was already snoring as he hit the carpet.

Everyone stared at him. "Did he just leave us the job of carrying him to bed?" Angelina said.

"NOT IT!" was the chorus.

...

Harry was pretty busy the following days. First he'd had to clean up the mess in the Entrance Hall, which he supposed was only fair. A few of the others who'd been in on it even helped him. Then came the hard part.

He'd tried to work out how someone might have gotten his signature, but had quickly gone nowhere. He really didn't keep track of all the assignments they handed in, so it was hard for him to know for sure if any was missing. Besides, the only ones who'd be in a position to get that would be a fellow Gryffindor, and he doubted any of them would do that. Therefore, they were too unviable a suspect pool.

Then of course, there was the fallout.

While not everyone believed that he had nothing to do with the fact that his name appeared out of the Goblet of Fire, enough distinctly remembered the constant string of failed plans to put names into the Goblet to give him the benefit of the doubt. Others held the very fact that his name had come out of all against him, saying that it doesn't matter how it happened, the fact he'd wanted to enter the tournament and the fact he'd been entered was all the reason they needed. Hufflepuff was of course supporting Cedric– he hadn't expected anything else from them, what with being the loyalty house and all– and was barely on speaking terms with Gryffindor at all. Thankfully, enough people, Cedric among them, believed him when he'd said this wasn't his fault. Still, that hadn't stopped the Hufflepuffs from essentially declaring Cold War against Gryffindor.

Ravenclaw at least was being fair about it all, and was either equally supporting him and Cedric or keeping the heck out of it.

Slytherin, of course, was supporting Cedric just to piss him off.

His plans for some kind of retribution were curtailed, however, when he received a letter from home. What followed was a whirlwind of swearing and rather descriptive samples of plans for torture and mutilation (among other things) that he got docked twenty points and given detention. Some of the foreign students had given him looks, though one or two actually seemed intrigued.

As he spent his detention, he wondered how long it would take break into the Konoha Maximum Detention Facility to kill Mizuki…

...

"Come on Sirius," Iruka pleaded. "Just a little jump. We Apparate into the prison, kill Mizuki, and get out without anyone being the wiser."

Sirius looked at Iruka sternly. "_NO_, Iruka. I won't abuse magic like that. You're a teacher, you should know better than to go pulling things like this."

Iruka's jaw clenched in frustration.

"Revenge of this sort needs to be planned, recorded, and enjoyed as the years go by," Sirius continued. "You don't just pop in and get out! First, we're going to need some laxative, explosives, some gay magazines, a shaving razor…"

"I still have those dung bombs Harry-san gave me," Hinata added helpfully as her hands, without any active intervention from her brain, proceeded to crush, pull, twist bend and otherwise mutilate a little yarn-effigy figure of Mizuki. "And I have a video camera we can use."

"Excellent!" Sirius said. "See, Iruka, _she_ gets it. I think I can get Anko to give me some tips…"

"Should you really be planning all this while I'm in the room?" the Hokage said as he ate his ramen.

"I have some of that special pepper Harry-kun gave me," Ayame said, completely ignoring the old man. "Will that be useful?"

"Every little bit counts," Sirius agreed.

Sarutobi Hiruzen sighed. "Well, at least they're doing it with teamwork," he muttered to himself as he ate.

...

The popularity contest that was part and parcel of the Triwizard tournament was in full swing. Krum already had quite a lead, what with being a famous Quidditch play, of course. Cedric being good looking was also extremely helpful, making look suitably heroic. Fleur was exotic, beautiful and female. What more was there to be said?

Harry however, gave as good as he got. This was his home ground, after all, and though some excuse could be made for Cedric doing well, he wasn't about to let Jane and Johnny come lately get the better of him.

His tactics, were, of course, unique.

"Where do you think you're going like that?" Hermione said one morning as Harry skipped down the stairs from his dorm, heading for the portrait hole. He seemed to ignore the gasps and staring he left in his wake.

"Breakfast!" he said cheerfully, flashing a wide smile, causing the morning light to glint off his teeth with a near-audible '_ting_!'.

Hermione gave him a blank, almost Snape-like look as giggling and tittering erupted among some of the Gryffindors. "Harry," she said slowly, hand unconsciously beginning to creep downwards and it was even odds whether she was reaching for her wand or her bat. "If we let you go downstairs wearing nothing but flesh-toned bike shorts with a fig leaf taped to the front, professor McGonagall will murder us. Go back up stairs and put on some decent clothes. _**NOW!**_"

"Aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!" many in the crowd of onlookers cried.

Harry's smile widened. "What makes you think this is taped on anything?"

Several people spontaneously developed nosebleeds. Hermione twitched.

"_**GET BACK UPSTAIRS!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_" Hermione cried.

Harry laughed his way back up to the dorm amidst a storm of magically-propelled furniture.

The rumor, of course, spread. And as rumors did, it grew in the telling. So did other things.

Hermione found herself massaging a headache as a couple of Ravenclaws stared at Harry over lunch, looking between him and a sausage speared on a fork, as if comparing something, then giggling. A few seats over at their very own table, Colin was regaling a trio of incredulous Beauxbaton girls and making expansive gestures with his hands. The twins were demonstrating something to the Bulgarians, a Quidditch story probably. She firmly told herself that was the _only_ reason they'd pose like they were on a broomstick. And moving their hands in time with their pelvis. And…

She firmly shut away those thoughts.

"If this tournament leaves me traumatized, I will be sending you the therapy bills," Hermione growled.

"What's a little mental trauma between friends?" Harry said cheerfully. "At least it's helping spread my popularity."

Hermione thumped her down on the table in shame in tried to pull her robe over her head. This was going on THE LIST.

Harry's favorite subject came after lunch, and he was practically tap-dancing as they made their way down to the dungeon. Outside the door, waiting for it to open, they found the Slytherins waiting outside, each and every one of them wearing a large badge on the front of his or her robes. Each bore the same message, in luminous red letters that burnt brightly in the dimly lit underground passage:

SUPPORT CEDRIC DIGGORY—

THE REAL HOGWARTS CHAMPION!

"Like them, Potter?" said Malfoy loudly as Harry approached. "And this isn't all they do—look!"

He pressed his badge into his chest, and the message upon it vanished, to be replaced by another one, which glowed green:

POTTER STINKS!

The Slytherins howled with laughter. Each of them pressed their badges too, until the message POTTER STINKS was shining brightly all around Harry. He rolled his eyes.

"Really Malfoy?" he said. "That's the best you can come up with? That's so petty. I didn't know you were so… _small._" He made a diminutive gesture with two fingers.

Around him, Ron, Seamus, Dean and the other Gryffindors all snickered, while Hermione stared longingly at the dungeon door. Harry smiled brightly, and nodded Pansy Parkinson and her Slytherin clique. "And yes ladies, you heard right. It _IS_ that big."

There were choking sounds, and not so covert looks downward.

Malfoy paled, but before he could say anything, the dungeon door opened, and Professor Snape appeared, looking as he usually did: like he'd just stepped on poo, needed a hair rinse, and was about to take it out on the world by eating someone's puppy, preferably Harry's.

"Oh good, Professor Snape is here," Hermione sighed. Everyone stared at her.

Harry elbowed her. "That's my line," he said. "Professor Snape, thank goodness you're here! I need your help. I woke up this morning and found my Phallumegaly had gotten worse! As a fellow sufferer, I'm sure you'll find it in your generous heart to help me."

Snape, stared at him, then turned back to the dungeon and closed the door behind him. There was the click of a lock.

"Phallumegaly?" Ron asked.

Harry raised a finger in a lecturing pose. "-Megaly,derived from mega, meaning big. Phallu-, derived from phallus, meaning–"

"Silencio!" Hermione cried hysterically.

Lip reading, thankfully, was not helpful in this instance.

"Meaning what?" Ron asked, as some of the less vocabulary-challenged colored. "I can't make out what you said!"

The door to the dungeon opened again, and Snape appeared once more. He jerked his head. "_In!_" he said, and there was a scramble.

As Hermione, at the very rear, passed Snape, there was a hissed, "One point for Gryffindor for getting him to shut up."

...

"Antidotes!" Snape declared as class began.

From the back, there was a quick, fluttery, happy applause. Snape glared at Harry across the intervening space. The ninja just smiled brightly.

"Antidotes," Snape repeated, daring anyone to add anything. "You should all have prepared your recipes now. I want you to brew them carefully, and then, we will be selecting someone on whom to test one..."

Someone knocked on the door. It was Colin Creevey.

"Yes?" said Snape curtly.

"Please, sir, I'm supposed to take Harry Potter upstairs." Snape stared down his hooked nose at Colin, whose smile faded from his eager face.

"Potter has another hour of Potions to complete," Snape said coldly. "He will come upstairs when this class is finished."

Colin went pink.

"Sir—sir, Mr. Bagman wants him," he said nervously. "All the champions have got to go, I think they want to take photographs..."

Another fluttery, happy applause rose.

"Very well, very well," Snape snapped. "Potter, leave your things here, I want you back down here later to test your antidote."

"Please, sir—he's got to take his things with him," squeaked Cohn. "All the champions..."

"Very well!" said Snape. "Potter— take your bag and get out of my sight!"

Harry gave a jaunty salute, then tapped Hermione on the shoulder, pointing at his throat. She gave him a look, but waved her wand at him, muttering, "_Finite Incantatem_".

"Thanks!" Harry said, then skipped out of the room, singing, "_Professor Snape is so bad-ass, he's the Batman of the school! With bishi hair and everything, fashion sense galore! All the women want to tap that ass…_"

As the song faded down the hallway, with Colin singing accompaniment, everyone turned to look at Snape.

He looked at his notes. "Ah, it looks like you're due for a surprise today. Forget antidotes, let's see how good you are at making alcohol…"

...

"RITA!" came the cry from the door, and before anyone could react, Ludo Bagman found his conversation companion being assaulted by that appeared to be an amorous octopus.

Everyone in the room– Krum, Cedric, Fleur, the photographer– all looked up to find Harry Potter draped all over Rita Skeeter, nose to nose and cheek to cheek.

"Rita!" he said again. "What a wonderful surprise! How absolutely nice to see you again!"

It would be difficult to say how old Rita Skeeter was. It would be easy to say, however, that she probably hadn't been greeted so enthusiastically in a while.

Nor kissed as thoroughly.

As Harry flipped Rita back into her seat properly so she could recover, he seemed to notice everyone's stares. "What?" he said in wide-eyed innocence, clearly guilty as sin. "Isn't this how you greet beautiful women you know in foreign parts?"

Bagman coughed, clearly unsure and uncomfortable. Some people were boggling at his calling Rita 'beautiful', since popular opinion was that she resembled another witch named Rita, last name Repulsa neê Zedd. "Ah, here he is! Champion number four! So good of you to come, Harry, so good of you come... nothing to worry about, it's just the wand weighing ceremony, the rest of the judges will be here in a moment—"

"Wand weighing?" Harry repeated. Rita fanned herself with her hands.

"We have to check that your wands are fully functional, no problems, you know–" Bagman said, only to be vehemently interrupted.

"Sir!" Harry said, sounding indignant. "I assure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my wand! And if that's not enough, than any number of fine young ladies can attest to the fact my wand is in perfect working order! I just used my wand this morning in fact! There is absolutely nothing wrong with my wand!"

People, of course, turned red. Fleur, in particular, looked indignant and scandalized.

Harry drew out his wand and gave it a flick. Sparks erupted. "See? Perfect working order," he said.

"_Oh!_" Bagman sighed, which was echoed all around the room.

Harry managed to level an innocent, accusatory look at him that fooled no one who knew him properly, meaning everyone but Cedric was completely fooled. "What were _you_ thinking I meant?"

Cedric suddenly realized going up against Harry in this sort of arena– unrestrained competition that went far beyond the actual physical challenges, where the rules were practically non-existent– might not be such a good idea…

...

An article about the Triwizard Tournament, published the next day, caused quite an uproar. While giving a more-or-less correct accounting of the Triwizard Tournament, with all names spelled correctly and all relevant details included– to the great surprise of all those who loathed Rita Skeeter to the core– it also had a lot of wild accusations and blatant inaccuracies.

At least, that's what most people thought.

"Interesting article here," Hermione read from the Daily Prophet. "It's calling Harry a pervert, confidence man, porn dealer, lothario, necrophile, bisexual, and Head of the Professor Snape Appreciation Society with a propensity for the outrageous and insane."

"So, pretty much right on all points?" Ron said, looking over her shoulder.

"Yes. Surprisingly accurate journalism, from what I've read on Skeeter's reputation. Though I take offense at being called the most senior member of his harem. And you should too, your sister's in there."

"So are Professor Snape, the Quidditch team, all the girls in Gryffindor, Hagrid, and a few of the ghosts. You know, you should be taking this up with him. _HE_ gave the interview."

"Good point. Hand me my bat, will you?"

...

_Meanwhile back in Konooha…_

When Hatake Kakashi entered the classroom several hours late, he found himself being hit by a blackboard eraser (which dropped on his head when he opened the door), a bucket of water (following right behind the eraser), a dungbomb, several pillows worth of feather down, and a paper crown from a Hokage Meal at the local McNinja's.

He resisted the urge to raise a hand and wipe anything off as he glared at the three in the room. The blond had fallen off his chair from laughing so hard, the girl was looking positively scandalized, and the Uchiha had a small, discreet smile on his face. "I think…" he said, "That I really hate you guys."

The blond just laughed louder.

"I'll meet you on the roof in…" he considered. "Two, no, three hours. Now, tell me where the showers are."

When he found out _someone_ had put powdered ink in a special time-delayed capsule in all of the shower heads, he briefly considered defecting to Mist. He heard you were allowed to kill your students if they annoyed you there…

...

It would be inaccurate to think that all Harry did was create weird devices to break the rules, compose non-sense songs espousing Snape's… well, songs about Snape and acting more insane than usual. There's a very good reason for it.

"(BLEEP)," he muttered, looking up from Karkaroff's desk, the papers in front of him– which were in Bulgarian, (BLEEP) it– lying in ordered piles, ready to be returned to the exact positions he'd found them. The Durmstrang headmaster was snoring away in his room, assisted by some slightly-diluted knock-out drugs that had been in his pouch for a long time. Thank goodness for long-shelf-life ninja products. "(BLEEP)-ing Kage Bunshin keep getting cancelled at the most annoying times."

Sighing, he quickly took pictures of the documents he'd found, wondering if there was going to be some sort of Bulgarian translation aid in the library. He was still trying to read the French ones he'd gotten from the Beauxbaton carriage, but he had a sneaking suspicion what he'd find already. Nothing.

Still, it helped narrow his suspect pool. The heads of the other schools, if Dumbledore was any indicator, _should_ be powerful enough to tamper with the Goblet. If it wasn't them, then logically it couldn't be any of their students working under their orders.

Unfortunately, that meant it was someone from his end.

As he put away the pinhole camera he'd cobbled together from an old box of chocolate, and film he'd stolen (calibrating it had been a bitch), he considered the implications of that. He realized his hands were twitching, as if longing to go around someone's neck and choke the life out of them, and forced them still. One side of his mouth had pulled back in a twisted grin-rictus. That was a lot harder to make relax.

Moving as quickly but efficiently as possible, he put all the papers back as accurately as he could, sneaking back out the window and glancing quickly around to make sure no one could see him, before making a break for the shore away from Hogwarts, and into the woods, his steps barely rippling the water. Consideration flickered through his mind, such as it was. He needed to either make a new clone and get back to class (thank goodness for Kage Bunshin's information-transmission aspect. Though Naruto and Sasuke could have mentioned it when they sent him the scroll…). He needed to run translations, just to be thorough (else Iruka-sensei would never let him hear the end of it, and Anko would make his life a deeper hell than before, when they found out). He had to run damage control for the outrageous things his low-on-energy clones did that he felt was too much even for his reputation (surprisingly, there were still some things). He had to root out traitors.

His brain stumbled and overheated at the thought

Traitors…

Like Itachi…

His fingers were writhing on their own accord, and he stopped a moment to get himself under control and try to put things in perspective. Logically, there was at least one traitor, but no logical reason to assume there were more.

So. Find the traitor setting him up to die. Simple enough, as mission requirements went. Put into practice, it was hell, but he could do it. Four years here wasn't making him weak, darn it!

Skillfully, he redirected his mind towards a more productive line of obsession. There were plenty to choose from. Keep professor Snape unbalanced so as to dilute his venom? Drive Hermione up the wall so she turns to Ron's arms? Charm Ginny out of her clothes (figuratively, of course. Literally, it's no challenge)?

He decided to go for a recently formed one: making Fleur take back the 'little boy' comment. With an almost audible shifting of gears, he unleashed his reservoir of psychotic obsession down this channel. How DARE that girl call him _**LITTLE?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!**_ He'd show her! He was Harry Potter, (BLEEP) it! He'd been making girls swoon since before he was a legal adult! A third of the shota-cons in Konoha were that way because of him (the rest were because of Sasuke or just normally generated deviance)! He could kiss like a demon in his sleep! Who did that maybe-part-Veela girl think she was?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!

As the waters of obsessive pyschosis flowed from the reservoir of childhood trauma to power the turbines of purpose, Uzumaki Harry realized he was late for class. "_**(BLEEP)! **_I thought I was past this!-!-!-!-!-!"

Fleur, if you must know, didn't feel a single, solitary portentous twinge.

...

Hagrid, Harry was forced to conclude one dark night, was a nice guy, but when it came to anything deadlier than a pet rock, he had the survival instinct of… well, he couldn't think of anything with as little survival instinct as Hagrid confronted with a creature possessing interesting ways to kill you.

This is not a slur on Hagrid, merely a slightly irritated simplification by someone who liked the guy.

Dragons. It had to be dragons. It didn't help that, despite all his sneaking around, using his newly-learned Kage Bunshin– very convenient technique that– he had to find out _this _way. HE WAS NOT LOSING HIS EDGE, DARN IT!-!-!-!-!-!-!

Dragons. (BLEEP).

Well, he had to do something about this…

...

The door closing had a very final sound to it.

"Thank you all for coming here on such short notice," Harry said brightly as he locked the door behind Fleur, the last to arrive at the out of the way classroom he'd commandeered. "So glad you were discreet about this meeting."

Fleur, Krum and Cedric all gave him variations of wary and annoyed looks. "It's sort of hard to ignore you, Potter, when you threaten to give Rita Skeeter exclusive interviews about our 'Secret Seeker Trysts," Cedric said, indignantly red at the thought.

"If it makes you feel any better, I ran the threat past your girlfriend, and she seemed to approve," Harry said. "Made me promise to invite her if we actually ever did it."

Cedric began to choke on his own tongue as Krum upgraded the look he was giving Harry to the one you used for men in purple suits and clown make up who ask you why you're being so serious. Fleur gave him a look that said she was not amused by the childish crudeness and ribaldry.

"You know, you are nozzing like ze boy I zot you vere, vhen you lent me your cloak," Fleur said, glaring at Harry as if he was something she had to wipe off.

"What people think of you is seldom what you really are," Harry said. "Down to business, shall we? Dragons."

The two foreign students went still.

"A few night ago, last Saturday," Harry said, "I ran into something very interesting on the grounds. It was Professor Karkaroff, sneaking around behind Hargid and Madame Maxime, who were thankfully clothed. _They_, in turn, were looking at the dragons that were going to be used for the first task. Four of them. Violent little things, and speaking as someone who knows someone who tried to raise a Norwegian Ridgeback, I know what the (BLEEP) I'm talking about."

Harry paused to let that sink in, making a show of looking at his nails. He could see the skepticism and mild exasperation on Cedric's face as he looked at the other two, as if to exchange glances, saw that change to suspicion as he saw the blankness on their faces.

"As a pragmatic and cynical individual," Harry continued, not looking at them directly, being all cool-like, "I've come to the not-entirely illogical conclusion that they'd have told you about what you'd be facing, since to do otherwise would have most likely led to their schools losing that particular tasks. Oh, and consigning you to a painful, violent, most-likely fiery death, but that might have just been an after thought."

"Why are you telling us?" Cedric said, darting looks at the still silent pair. "I mean, you could have kept quiet about it, made sure I'd be unprepared for the task–"

"And likely gotten you killed," Harry finished for him. "Give me some credit Diggory. Just because I'm in Gryffindor doesn't mean I don't know how to be loyal. And if I wanted you dead, there are _so_ many more immediate and effective ways to do it. Having you face a dragon? _Please_. It's easier to stick one of Proffessor Snape's poisons in your juice."

"Then why we here?" Krum said.

"Fairness," Harry said. "_Someone_ isn't playing by the rules. I'm in this tournament because someone tampered with the Goblet of Fire. Whatever everyone says, putting us in direct competitions with each other isn't doing anything for inter-school friendship. And whether or not you agree with Moody about whether I'm here because someone _is_ trying to kill me, he _is_ a retired Auror, and therefore at least partly qualified to assess what can kill a wizard. He says this tournament might kill me. By extension, that means it can kill you too."

Fleur sniffed, some of her composure returning. "Ve are not little boys to vorry about such zings."

Harry was suddenly in her face, so fast her flinch was extremely belated. "That attitude," Harry said, in a low, quiet voice, "is extremely counterproductive to the purpose of this tournament. Unless you're going to admit it's all just a lie and the real reason for it is to show off which school has the biggest… wand?"

Harry smoothly stepped back, returning to his place by the door. He bent down to pick up a stack of papers. "Look," he said. "I realize that the usual mindset of any sort of competition is to win and (BLEEP) anything else, but think about our position for a second. Once upon a time, fatalities were _expected_ in this competition. The reason for bringing so many students to Hogwarts from the other schools isn't so there's a wide selection pool. It's because, once upon a time, at least one person died per task so the visiting schools needed sufficient _substitutes_. The reason it got cancelled was because during the last few years, nearly. ALL the champions died in the tasks. I don't know about you, but I can't think of any task that needs _**DRAGONS**_ that doesn't have the potential to kill or at least significantly maim us. Don't think just because you're older than me means you're less likely to die. EVERYONE dies. "

He held up the papers. "Here's all I could get on the kinds of dragons they have penned up for the task. Welsh Green, Chinese Fireball, Swedish Short-Snout, Hungarian Horntail. Let me give you the rundown. They're wearing armor so thick the material is proof against nearly any potions accident, they're several hundred times our weight, mass and size, they can crush full grown sheep in their mouths, shoot fire hot enough to melt steel, and their claws can cut through stone. They're at the undisputed top of the food-chain wherever they come from, have been killing things for years and thus have a lot of experience at it, are stronger than us, faster than us, and are for all intents and purposes immune to magic. And to make it even more fun, these are nesting mothers. That means they are at their fiercest, most paranoid, and most violent state of mind. Do you think being _seventeen_ protects you from all that?"

Fleur had paled significantly. Panic was dancing in Cedric's eyes, and Krum's hands were balled into fists.

Harry laid down the papers on a table and separated them into four piles as he let the silence linger. He then passed one pile to Cedric, one to Fleur and one to Krum. They took it from him jerkily, the Bulgarian nearly dropping his, his hands were clenched so hard. Cedric began to leaf through the pages, glancing at the notes, and began lingering on certain passages, for something, anything else for his mind to do.

"There's a very good chance we'll die," Harry said quietly. "I don't know about you, but I have other plans."

Deliberately, he pulled out his wand and laid it down on the table, next to his copy of the notes. "I spoke about fairness," he said. "I'm telling you all this, sharing this info with you, because I don't think it's fair that some of us operate with privileged information. I'm not making accusations. There've been attempts at cheating going on, which I'll admit to, and frankly, I'm not going to take it. It's a… a _betrayal_ of trust," he spat. "Look Fleur, I know you don't think I deserve to be here, but I AM here. If this is going to be more than out schools (BLEEP)-ing each other through us, then it's up to us to make sure of it. It's _supposed_ to foster cooperation, friendship and trust between us. I propose we follow the spirit of the tournament despite the letter. I propose we work together. There's no rule against that, oddly enough. I don't suppose they thought it was possible. Who's with me?"

He spread out his hands in an inviting gesture.

The three other champions looked at each other, not really to ask the others' opinions but as a way to reassure themselves everyone was on the same page.

Cedric spoke first. "Who are you, and what have you done with the real Harry Potter?" he said.

Harry's head dropped, his forehead landing on his palm. He sighed, then pasted a lecherous smile on his face. "Oh, Cedric," he drawled huskily in the most cheaply gay camp, slinking in a vaguely serpentine stalk (and yes, that's contradictory) towards the Hufflepuff. "You doubt my authenticity? After all we've _been_ through together?-!-? I'm hurt." Suddenly he was there, pressed up against the taller boy in the most definitely-might-lead-to-yaoi _drape_ wizardly possible, looking at him with half-lidded, seductive eyes, breathing into his ear. "Don't you remember our 'Secret Seeker Trysts'…?"

Cedric shoved him away hard, his unnamed scowl ruined horribly by his embarrassment and blush. Laughing, Harry allowed himself to be pushed back, turning the potential fall into a back-flip, spinning into a pirouette and bowing. "What? It's not that weird for me to suggest we work together, is it?

"A little," Cedric said, still blushing. He gave him a sideways look. "You usually like being at the center of attention. Not part of a crowd."

"I know my limits," Harry said dryly. "And you should know yours too. We'll _all_ need help with this."

"Zis could all be a trick," Fleur said, though she was looking at him with serious appraisal now, and not just as someone underfoot. "You could be lying to us to get us to do all the vork for you, and climb on our efforts."

"We could _all_ do that," Harry pointed out. "And that's only if you agree to begin with. But I won't. I swear, by my astonishing good looks, incredible skills, towering ego, and two little brothers that I won't betray you. "

"Well, who can doubt an oath to those?" Cedric said dryly. The two shared a grin, and then the older boy sobered. "If what you say is true, about the dragon–"

"It's true," Krum said, sudden and not making eye contact. Fleur jerked her head in a nod, taking a sudden interest at the corner wall.

Cedric shot him a look and nodded. "Well, it didn't sound like the usual lunacy that comes for your mouth. You didn't have to tell me about the dragon."

"Yes I did," Harry said. "As I said, Hufflepuff doesn't have the monopoly on loyalty. And I don't want you dead. Now, if it had been Malfoy…"

Cedric grinned again. "I'm in. And I swear I won't betray you. I'll share whatever help I can."

Krum gave a quick, abrupt nod. "In. Better to work as a team. What is point in winning because everyone else is dead?"

The three boys looked at Fleur.

"Madame Maxime and Karkaroff, zey will not like zis," Fleur said, looking between the three of them and frowning.

"They're not the ones whose lives are on the line," Harry said. "Their subsequent opinion doesn't matter."

"So lofty," Cedric chided, teasing.

"It comes from sitting on my high broom."

Fleur closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Zen I too, I am in. I agree to zis. I vill give my help."

Harry held out his hand, palm down in front of him. Cedric quickly put his hand over it, followed by Krum and, a bit hesitantly, Fleur. "We agree then. We pool our resources and information together and help each other get out of this alive, with all limbs intact, and our incredible good looks unmarred, except for maybe a small scar that only increases our inherent sex appeal. And we'll look good doing it!"

Cedric laughed, and Krum joined in, his laughter short and grunting, like a chainsaw trying to start, but coming from deep in his throat. This time even Fleur smiled at the defiant words. "He's funny," the Bulgarian commented to Cedric.

"He cheats at Quidditch," the other boy groused, but he was smiling when he said it.

"There's no rule against trying to kiss an opposing Seeker," Harry said primly as they all let their hands drop. They all stood there, slightly awkward now that there were no longer any declarations to be had.

"Well, I suppose on to business then," Harry said, picking up his wand again and summoning a few chairs towards them. Only one of them crashed, although Krum had to jump back slightly or be hit by his. They all got seated, Harry deliberately drawing a chair around the right way for Fleur, which she accepted with a raised eyebrow and slightly affected primness, before he got seated on his own chair. "The three of us have had a few days to get our own panicking, research and planning out of the way, so let's get Cedric up to speed first." He turned to the Hufflepuff opposite him. "Dragons are tough, but not invincible. Their eyes, for example, are a common weak spot in all species…"

They spent the next hour or so getting Cedric up to speed on dragons. Harry wasn't the only one who had done his research, with the two visiting students chiming in on point they felt he wasn't giving proper emphasis to. Fleur had apparently found a treatise on dragon attack patterns, and gave them all a list of warning signs to tell when a dragon was about to flame. Krum gave an analysis on draconic flight and aerial hunting habits, though Fleur eventually had to put a stop to that, since the three boys eventually began discussing converting those into Quidditch moves. Neither mentioned how they planned to get past a dragon though, and Cedric never asked. It seemed they all knew there were some things that wouldn't be shared. Harry felt gladdened by this however. It was good to work with intelligent, discreet people.

It was always fun to shake their perceptions.

When the bell rang for dinner, Harry was just finishing explaining what he'd been able to find about dealing with nesting dragons. They all looked up at the bell, and at an unspoken signal rose, picking up the papers Harry had gathered.

"Think you'll be all right?" Harry asked Cedric as he casually waved the chairs back to where they'd been stacked. There were a couple of crashes.

"I'll manage somehow," Cedric said. He was frowning as he said this, but at least the blind panic in his eyes had receded, replaced by reasonable fear and the knowledge there was a way that he just might get out of this alive, with all limbs intact, and incredible good looks unmarred, except for maybe a small scar that only increased his inherent sex appeal. "Maybe a potion, though what I'll be able to brew by tomorrow…"

"If you still haven't thought of a plan by tomorrow, tell me," Harry said. "Maybe you'll be able to use one of my ideas."

"Will these ideas include nudity, slingshots or explosives?" Cedric retort good naturedly. "You _still_ owe me a bag."

"I'll get you one!" Harry said. "Sheesh! You screw up _one_ 'turn a bag into a bellows air-gun' plan, and people never let you live it down…"

"It was a new bag," Cedric said.

"Speaking of which," Krum said. "I'd like back what you took from me?" At Cedric's look, he explained. "He stole all my pants, and left note saying if I ever wanted them back, I was to come to this room."

Harry's lip quirked, but he reached under the teacher's desk and began pulling out a package.

Cedric frowned, and turned to Fleur. "What did he steal from _you_ to get you to come?"

"A lady does not say," Fleur said primly, even as Harry handed her a smaller bag than the one he'd handed Krum. She opened it discreetly, as if confirming it was all there. Agreement or not, she still gave Harry a glare before turning towards the door.

Harry beat her to it, opening it for her with a bow. He held out his arm. "Would the lady care for me to escort her to the Great Hall, and to carry her package for her?" he said, in his most sincere voice.

For a moment, it looked like Fleur was about to refuse, but paused, then warily handed back the bag to Harry, who slung it over his shoulder, and lightly took his arm, barely hooking two fingers on his elbow.

Still, it was a start.

He WASN'T a little boy, and he'd show her so!

Arm-in-arm, the two descended to the Great Hall, the two boys following behind, talking once more of dragon-based Quidditch moves…

...

_Meanwhile, back at the other well of lunacy…_

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto declared. "What I like is a cup of ramen! What I like even more is my Harry-niisan's home-cooked ramen! And my dream…"

Kakashi, now freshly bathed and laundered, waited, feeling he'd gotten the gist of the rest.

"…Is to surpass the Hokage, abolish all paperwork, learn as many techniques as possible to be able to protect those precious to me, write a best-selling novel and see to it that I end up with lots and lots of cute little brunette nieces and nephews!-!-! Preferably some from strawberry and platinum blonde mothers!-!-! My hobbies are… pranks and seeing to it the right people notice each other so they can finally hook, start making babies and finally get all that cheesy sexual tension out of the air!-!-!-!-!-!"

Sasuke choked on nothing, struggling to keep his face perfectly straight as Kakashi blinked and Sakura stared Naruto like he'd grown a second head. "Uh, next," the jounin said. Sasuke face had locked into a moody rictus as he struggled not to laugh out loud, keeping his hands firmly entwined in front of his mouth in case his control broke and the grin and maniacal laughter he was struggling to contain broke through.

"My name is Haruno Sakura," the kunoichi declared. "The thing I like is…"

"Brooding, dark-haired and likes wearing blue shirts?" Naruto suggested brightly.

"NARUTO!" Sasuke and Sakura snapped together, the latter punctuating her statement with a solid smack.

Kakashi rolled his eye to the heavens and asked what he'd done to deserve his.

He turned to Sasuke. "And you?"

Stoically, Sasuke kept his face blank and moody, just the way people expected it to be. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I dislike traitors, annoying fan-girls, traitors, that annoying wait between adding water to cup ramen and being able to eat it, traitors, the fact people keep trying to steal my laundry, traitors, people who annoy me, traitors, brunette girls, traitors, sub-standard fiction writing, the constant use of seductive blood-consuming walking corpses as a thinly veiled outlet for writers' passive-aggressive blood-letting and necrophilia fetishes, traitors, traitors, annoying people who can't take a hint about certain individual's romantic interests even though every single person around them is not only dropping hints at every available opportunity but actively plotting to bring them together–"

"Here, here," Sakura muttered in annoyance, glaring at Naruto as Kakashi nodded sagely.

"– traitors, badly made weapons, traitors and people who keep assuming I'm gay. Oh, and traitors."

"Yes, I'd managed to pick up on that, subtle as it was," Kakashi said.

Sasuke nodded solemnly. "I like ramen, tomatoes, ramen, people who can take a hint when it comes at them like a truck, ramen, weapons, ramen–"

"WE GET IT!" Kakashi cried.

Sasuke sniffed at the interruption, while his inner chaos-monger did a happy dance. "Hyuuga Hinata– PURELY AS A FRIEND!– my housemates, our new housekeeper, fire jutsu, explosives, and harem comedy novels. MY dream…" He paused. "My dreams include seeing certain people achieve their dream, becoming a uncle with numerous nephews, creating the perfect tomato and beef ramen, a strange one where I'm being followed by an evil trunk with hundreds of little legs, to be known for my own achievements, and to have the power to protect what I value. Oh, and there's someone I want to kill, but he's not very important. "

"That's a very mature outlook," Naruto said.

"Thank you."

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Phallumegaly: Search it and see what happens.

The (BLEEPS) will never disappear. They are here to stay. Get used to it. Besides, I know for a fact that Harry's vocabulary is beyond even my capabilities to reproduce, so I don't even try.

The first and maybe second tasks are next, finally. And so you'll stop bothering me, no, no one from Konoha will be visiting. While I understand people's desire to see the cultures clashing, you all should know by now I go where people don't think I will…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	20. Very Insane Tasks With Dragons In!

A/N: YAY! I'm a Notable TvTropes Referencer! This chapter has been bought to you by: **TvTropes**! Ruining your life since 2004! I still intend to be referenced on as many pages there for as many of my fics as possible! Please help me, as it feels like cheating if I do it myself. I need to catch up with S'Tarkan! TvTrope it, dattebayo!

Rather than Funny, this time I'm trying for Awesome, Heartwarming, Crowning Moments of. Tell me how you think it went. TvTropes it, dattebayo!

...

Harry punched the enemy ninja in front of him as he wondered how things had gotten like this. It turned into jello and collapsed to the ground. "Hurry Magical Girl Green Lantern, Great Detective Akane-sama! We need to stop Itachi before he completes his Dark Hallow ritual and evolves into an eldritch abomination!"

"Stop stating the obvious, ninja-boy!" Akane cried as she spun her staff, the tail of her black duster fluttering behind her. "_Occam Holmes Harry Dresden Batman! Agite Tenebrae Abyssi, Ensis Incendens! Et Incendium Caliginis Umbrae Inimicitiae Destructionis Ultionis! Incendant et Me et Eum, Sint Solum Incendentes! **Incendium Gehennae!**_"

The mooks in front of her disappeared in a maelstrom of hellfire that left nothing behind but chocolate syrup as the heroes charged down the passageway. A giant tentacle monster moved to block their way, and Magical Girl Green Lantern stepped forward, left hand out to present her ring. "_Nanoha Emerald Smasher!_"

The tentacle monster dissolved into goops of broccoli cream and they ran on through, heading towards their beleaguered companions fighting to keep the way to the ceremonial chamber open.

"About time!" Magical Girl Erebea Margareta cried, her magic chainsaw Bling carving a wide furrow through the zombie werewolves surrounding them to let the three pass through while Agent Crimson, Li'l Purple Ravager, and Ebony Layla Evans fought to keep the other sides clear. "Hurry! Itachi's about to sacrifice the hamster! If manages to go through with that, only the great spirit of Oliver Paleo PHD will be able to stop him! And _he's_ been trapped in the Orange realm! You're our only hope, Great Legendary Ninja Uncle Harry! Itachi's Chlorine Elementals are coming!"

Harry grit his teeth, tightening his grip on his wand-dagger. "It's up to me," he said and turned to get on the back of the Zombie T-rex named Sue that would take him to his Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny with his most hated enemy.

"Harry, wait!" Sexy Librarian Eroge Character Rider cried out, holding up five spandex atoms. "You forgot your pants when we had a quickie!"

...

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 20: GoF, Genin Remix 5! Very Insane Tasks With Dragons In!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me. TvTropes it, dattebayo!

Hey, everyone! Been busy with my Nanoha/Green Lantern/Negima/every-magical-girl-I-could-get-my-hands-on fic, _**Takamachi Nanoha of 2814 **_recently, as well as my Akane-centric fic, _**Akanema! Magistra Akane Magi!**_. Yes, that last is exactly what it sounds like. Still, you would it really hurt to give it a look? You might be pleasantly surprised. Check it out and tell me what you think, 'kay? In the meantime, TvTropes it, dattebayo!

...

Harry's eyes snapped open, and he stared at the ceiling. That had to have been the most messed up dream of his life.

"That's it," he muttered sleepily as he closed his eyes again and tried to sleep once more. "No more pocky before bed. Pocky is evil…"

...

The following Tuesday, Harry Potter found himself facing a life and death struggle, with nothing but his wits, the clothes on his back, his wand, and every dirty trick he could pull out of his ass.

Par for the course, really.

"Potter, the champions have to come down onto the grounds now..." Professor McGonagall said, coming up to him as he was finishing his lunch. "You have to get ready for your first task."

"Okie-dokie, professor!" said Harry, standing up, his fork falling onto his plate with a clatter.

"Good luck, Harry," Hermione said. "You'll be fine!"

"Kick ass, mate!" Ron added, and he left the table to a cloud of encouragement. He gave them a wave and a jaunty salute, which the twins and Creeveys returned. The rest cheered as he made his big exit.

He left the Great Hall with Professor McGonagall. She didn't seem her usual controlled self. As she walked him down the stone steps and out into the cold November afternoon, she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Now, don't panic," she told him, "just keep a cool head… We've got wizards standing by to control the situation if it gets out of hand… The main thing is just to do your best, and nobody will think any the worse of you… Are you all right?"

"Um, how close by will they be standing?" Harry asked, partly as an attempt at humor, and partly because he _really_ wanted to know. Maybe he can foist the dragon's attention off on them?

"Nearby," was Professor McGonagall replied.

"I'm going to need burn cream, aren't I?"

"Probably."

...

Harry flung the tent-flap aside dramatically and pointed. "Tonight, you will be visited by the ghosts of Triward's Past, Present and Future!" he cried out like some Chicago private investigator with an arson habit suddenly appearing inside of a criminal kingpin's office in a fancy bordello. "They will teach you the true meaning of the words '(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), I'm going to die!'"

Viktor, Fleur and Cedric all stared at him as Bagman turned around, blinking. "You say something, Harry?" he said.

Harry blinked. "Um, wasn't my entrance dramatically humorous enough?"

The three other participants all shook their heads, though Cedric was rolling his eyes towards the heavens.

"Oh. (BLEEP). Maybe if I did it so I was interrupting the two of you making out?" Harry suggested.

Fleur coughed demurely. "Vell, obviously zis is a matter betveen Seekers. I vill leave you two gentlemen to it."

"Ah, Fleur!" Harry cried happily, putting both hands over his heart as the other two boys choked. "You _are_ a girl after my own heart!"

"Doubtful," she said, smiling sly. "I am just a quick study."

Cedric turned to Viktor. "Suddenly, I am very afraid," he said. "you?"

"The same," Viktor said, smiling out of the corner of his mouth.

"Ah. Good to know. For a moment I was afraid I was the last sane man in the room."

"What about Bagman?" Viktor asked.

"Well, now we're all here—time to fill you in!" said Bagman brightly. "When the audience has assembled, I'm going to be offering each of you this bag"— he held up a small sack of purple silk and shook it at them— "from which you will each select a small model of the thing you are about to face! There are different— er — varieties, you see. And I have to tell you something else too... ah, yes... your task is to collect the golden egg!"

"Ah," Viktor said sourly. "Never mind." Cedric patted him on the shoulder.

"Lady's first," Bagman said, offering the bag to Fleur, whose hand shook slightly as she dipped it into the bag…

Harry glared distastefully at the little Hungarian Horntail as Bagman stepped out of the tent, waiting for him to follow. "Fourth," he muttered, just loudly enough for the others to hear. "Why _fourth_?-! By the time it's my turn, you guys would have used up the Task's awesome quota!"

Grumbling to himself, he followed Bagman out of the tent.

Cedric tapped his lips thoughtfully. "Right, just a quick recap, I'm not the only one who thinks Harry's completely bonkers, right?"

The other two nodded.

"And yet we're still, for some reason, going along with this alliance proposal of his?"

"Maybe _we're_ bonkers too?" Viktor suggested.

"Merlin, I hope not," Cedric said, shuddering. "The last thing I need is to start singing about Professor Snape's arse…"

"Don't see vhat's the problem with zat," Fleur said loftily. "Song's right, it eez tappable arze."

"No comment," Viktor said.

...

"Feeling all right, Harry? Anything I can get you?" Bagman said.

"You wouldn't happen to know the magic word that will instantly put all the dragons to sleep, do you?" Harry asked brightly.

"Ah, cheeky, I like that, no, sorry boy, fresh out of those," Bagman said. He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Got a plan? Because I don't mind sharing a few pointers, if you'd like them, you know. I mean," Bagman continued, lowering his voice still further, "you're the underdog here, Harry... Anything I can do to help..."

"Unless you've got that word, not likely sir," Harry said jokingly.

"Nobody would know, Harry," said Bagman, winking at him.

"Well…" Harry said reluctantly. "Could you–?"

A whistle had blown somewhere.

"Good lord, I've got to run!" said Bagman in alarm, and he hurried off.

It was a thoughtful Harry that went back to the Champions tent. He stopped Cedric from stepping out, darting a look over his shoulder before speaking to the other Champions. "Bagman just offered to help me cheat," he said quickly, and they all stiffened. "I tried to pump him for information, but he ran off before he could give me anything. Not that I think he had anything we could work with."

"Bagman offered to help _you_ cheat?" Cedric said, surprised. "Why?"

"I think he has a gambling problem," Harry said, shrugging. "I'm the underdog here, longest odds. He'd make a lot of money betting on me. I'd suspect him of being the one who stuck my name in the Goblet, but unless he had more acting talent than I've just seen, he was too surprised on Halloween for it to be him. Point is, I got nothing now, but we might be able to pump him for info in the future. Just something to remember."

Fleur and Viktor looked at him suspiciously. "That's it? You're just going to say he wanted to help you cheat but didn't have time to actually tell you anything you can use?" the French girl said, eye narrowed.

"Yes," Harry said, looking at her levelly. "If you don't believe me, you can keep my wand here," he held out said wand, "during my turn at the dragons. If I somehow come out of it completely unscathed, you'll know I'm a lying bastard who's been holding out on you. If I die a fiery death, you'll know I'm telling the truth." He casually flicked the wand to the girl, who caught it out of reflex, surprise and suspicion still in her eyes. Viktor was looking between the wand and him, frowning.

"You'd better get going," Harry told Cedric. "I've held you up long enough."

The Hufflepuff nodded, slightly green, and left in a swish of tent. The three remaining stood in mutual silence and listened as the crowd roared a few seconds later. After a few moments, Harry, a frustrated look on his face, gave the two a significant look and left the tent…

...

Cedric cursed whatever thrice-misbegotten impulse had prompted him to sign up for this Tournament. Whatever it was, it had a lot to answer for! _He was standing in the same area as an expectant, maternal __**Swedish Short-Snout!-!-!**_ That was all kinds of lethally wrong! And all he had was a half-baked plan he'd made in the last day or so, on the advice of someone he thought was slightly bonkers at the _best_ of times! All well and good, but _he_ was the one standing here all alone! Potter was staying back in the tent, didn't even have the decency to watch as he was–

"GO, CEDRIC!"

Startled, Cedric risked a glance over his shoulder. Behind the enclosure, thrusting a first like mad and cheerin,g was Potter, a reluctant and lost looking pair of Fleur and Viktor behind him.

"You can do it, Cedric!" he kept on crying, jumping up and down excitedly. "Show that overgrown pair of Potion's gloves who's boss! Kick it's ass!" His head darted to one side, and he suddenly grabbed Fleur's arm and dashed towards the nearest stands, where surprised students were staring at him and pointing as he climbed up for a better view.

Other two followed reluctantly behind him, coming up to his level as he suddenly swooped on some random girl kissing her with fiery abandon and borrowing her Hufflepuff scarf as she swooned, her friend supporting her on either side. Harry wrapped the scarf around his hand, then rushed up as far forward as he could, waving his hand and the scarf on it like a flag. "KICK ITS ASS, DIGGORY!"

Viktor seemed to come to a decision, shrugging to himself before he was suddenly up front with Potter as well, roaring in defiance at the top of his lungs. "WIN!" the Bulgarian cried! "WIN, HUFFLEPUFF! WIN!"

Fleur rolled her eyes in resignation, and stepped up on Harry's other side. She cleared her throat daintily, than tapped it with her wand. "_KILL, KILL, KILL!_" she cried. "_FOR ZCHOOL AND 'ONOR, KILL IT, DIGGORY!_"

The cries were slowly, dazedly taken up by the students around them, all of whom looked confused but not about to be outdone. If it's one thing students knew how to do, it's how to make noise. "KICK IT'S ASS, DIGGORY!" "KILL IT!" "FOR SCHOOL AND HONOR!" "WIN, HUFFLEPUFF, WIN!"

Those in the top box seemed to stir, unsure at this latest development, Bagman babbling their confusion for them. Cedric met Harry's eyes, and the other boy winked, mouthing words slowly and deliberately.

_You._

_Are._

_Not._

_Alone._

_Win!_

Harry shot him a thumbs-up, waving the scarf. Viktor _roared_. Fleur met his gaze as well, rolled her eyes sideways at Harry, shrugged, and blew him a kiss.

No light suddenly flared in his heart. No feeling of lightness suddenly came over him, no strength rushed into his muscles, no epiphany came to mind. Still, as he turned back to the dragon, he couldn't help the grin tearing his face wide as he hefted his wand in his hand. For the first time since Harry had made them all _truly_ realize what they were getting into, he felt like this was something he could do.

With a roar of his own to rival Viktor's, he thrust out his wand and cast a spell…

...

And so it went. It was only by his fellow Champions' cries of warning that Cedric avoided getting scorched as they watched his back for him while he retrieved the egg. Harry actually managed to keep it occupied for a whole five seconds with a long litany of curses that called it related to a gerbil and just kept getting more Monty Python from there. It was they who led the cheers as he got the egg.

He gave Fleur a reassuring hug– prompting Harry to cry foul and give her one herself, to much laughter– before the girl took his place in the enclosure and, despite the concerned chiding of professor Flitwick, took _her_ place in the stands. Harry had given back the scarf to the girl he'd borrowed it from, and had somehow produced a jar of some sort of cool, minty balm– "Hinata-chan's special burn-cream recipe," he'd said cheerfully as he spread it on Cedric– then a roll of bandages to cover it up and prevent infection. He wrapped _that _expertly as well.

When they'd seen what Fleur was trying to do, they'd changed tactics, doing their best to try and calm the crowd while the girl poured on the charm. It was Viktor who caught the snore that became a gush of flame, hic cry ringing out in time for Fleur to dodge awkwardly but effectively, to cheers all around.

They cheered Viktor as well, even though his approach lacked quite the… _panache_ of theirs. He seemed to appreciate their acceptance of his attempt, even as Harry pestered him to teach him the spell.

And then… it was Harry's turn.

...

Harry sighed as he stripped off the last of his pouches, handing them to a bemused Cedric for safe-keeping. After all, the rules said he wasn't allowed to take in anything but his wand, after all.

Stupid rules.

Viktor pounded his back with one of those sledgehammer-like manly blows, and Cedric, grinning, shook his hand. Wrapped around his fist was a Gryffindor scarf borrowed from someone who apparently had a keen understanding of how these thing were supposed to go. "Good luck Potter," he said, then grinned. "Kick its ass."

"Don't I always?" Harry said rhetorically, skipping down to the enclosure. The enclosure was a wide, arena-like area covered with dry, sandy soil– _the better to absorb any blood,_ Harry thought morbidly– relatively bare at one end but growing more rocky and craggy as you moved towards the end with the dragon crouched over it's clutch of eggs. Harry wondered about that. Seriously, what sadist made up this scenery pron? And wasn't the surface too hard to be safe for the egg's shells? _Weird evolution, _he thought as the dragon's swinging tail knocked off a nearby lantern's shade.

"**And now, the last Champion is making his way into the enclosure!**" Bagman announced obviously. "**Given the astonishing displays of magical prowess our other Champions have revealed, what surprise does our youngest participants, declared by his closest friends to be 'so batshit insane absolutely nothing he does will ever be predictable'**– "

"HERMIONE!" was Harry's cry of protest.

"WHAT? YOU ARE!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPREAD IT AROUND! WHAT ABOUT MY GOOD REPUTATION?"

"_WHAT_ GOOD REPUTATION?"

"NOT THE POINT! WHAT IF I WANTED TO GET ONE?"

"YOU'RE ALREADY WAY PAST THAT POINT EVEN WITHOUT MY HELP, POTTER!"

"**AHEM!**" Bagman interrupted as laughter washed over the stands. "**Excuse me, but I'm the one who's supposed to be talking.**"

"SORRY!"

"OUR BAD! GO ON, MR. BAGMAN!"

Bagman sighed. "**Ahem. And so now Harry Potter is facing his dragon, a Hungarian Horntail, also known by the colloquial area names of 'Sky Scorpion', 'Stinger Rear' and the ancient and traditional name, the 'Linverse Eater'. There's the signal, and Potter's walking towards it, looking very relaxed with his hands in his pockets. Some special stratagem, perhaps?**"

Harry coughed and cried out, "_Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong! _Live long and prosper! Blessings be upon this, um, nest! I say, you wouldn't happen to be willing to just hand me that big golden egg that is so clearly not one of yours, would you?"

Everyone in the stands all face-faulted into the ground. Yes, even Dumbledore.

"POTTER!" cried Cedric. "_THAT'S_ YOUR BIG PLAN?"

"HEY, HERMIONE'S ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT PEACEFUL, NONVIOLENT, NO-RUNNING-AND-SCREAMING-SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS! I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT!"

"AT WHAT POINT IN OUR FRIENDSHIP HAVE I _EVER_ SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOT!" Hermione screamed at him waving her bat and needing to be restrained by the Weasley twins.

"WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE KIND OF THING YOU'D SAY!"

"**Er, the dragon doesn't seem to be amendable to Potter's proposal, and has flicked it's tail at him, sending a cloud of rocks his way! He's running towards it, he's scooping up a rock– possibly to transfigure, perhaps?– and he... throws it at the dragon, with absolutely no effect? Oh, it seems to have gotten mad and– AH! A close call as Potter narrowly avoids the dragon's breath! I say, did anyone know he was so good at acrobatics?**"

Harry narrowly voided the stream of fire, feeling hairs start to sizzle and curl on his head. Thank goodness the dragon fired in a line rather than a cone, or he'd been in trouble. He had good Reflex Saves, but only a complete moron really thought you could dodge a fireblast while standing in its exact center. He loosened his robe, ready to let it go the moment it caught fire badly. It was wool, thank goodness, and thus fire-retardant. You learned lots of fun random pyromanic trivia when you have a knack for Katon.

"**My word, look at him run! Does he have brooms on his feet or something? And– OH! Such reflexes! Boy must be a **_**wonder**_** on a broomstick, to be able to dodge dragon-fire so easily. He seems to be planning to simply **_**run**_** up to the golden egg and grab it? Will he? WILL HE? Yes, he– OH! A close shave with that tail, but it looks like it only grazed his robe! A lucky thing too! All parts of a dragon are known to be hazardous, not because of poison, but because they are all potentially infectious due ot the unsanitary conditions a dragon is capable of living in! So now you know! And knowing is half the battle!**"

"WHAT SICKO THOUGHT THIS WAS AN APPROPRIATE CHALLENGE FOR INEXPERIENCED SCHOOLCHILDREN AGAIN?-!-?-!" Harry cried as he dived behind a rock to avoid another lash of the tail. "BECAUSE WHOEVER IT WAS DESERVES TO BE DOWN HERE WITH ME WEARING SHACKLES, LEAD WEIGHTS AND A HUNDRED POUNDS OF STEAKS AND FIREWORKS!"

"_**HERE, HERE!**_" the other Champions vehemently agreed in chorus.

"**Well, really, it's not that bad!**" Bagman said, miffed.

"COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT!"

"**Sorry, important job to do up here!**" Bagman said hastily. "**And if we're going to turn this into a dialogue while you do those, admittedly, quite amazing back flips, summersaults and tumbles, I– and I'm sure, everyone else watching– would just like to know, why you seem to be holding back from using magic? You don't get any extra points for fewer spells used, I'm afraid. Well, unless we judges think so.**"

"CAN'T!" Harry cried, beginning to pant a little as picked up a rock and hurled it at one of the dragon's eyes. The Horntails signature appendage rather gracefully flicked it out of the air. "NO WAND ON ME!"

There would have been stunned silence, if it weren't for the dragons, both in the enclosure and outside, roaring wildly and the spectators suddenly erupting in chaos.

"**WHAT?-!**" Bagman cried, sounding truly frightened as the judges all rose to their feet, some readying their wands. "**Mr. Potter, what happened! Why don't you have your wand with you?-!**"

"GAVE IT," Harry cried, then yelped as his sleeve was nearly grazed by flame. He hastily patted it trying to get his arm out of the smoldering robe. He continued, "TO FLEUR! PROVE I WASN'T CHEATING BY KNOWING SOME SPECIAL PASSWORD TO MAKE THE DRAGONS GO TO SLEEP!"

Everyone's gaze snapped to a pale and horrified Fleur, who jerkily reached into her pocket, pulling out a wand. Cedric, Viktor and she all stared at it like it was Voldemort's long-lost phallus. So did everyone else in sight.

Hermione's cry summed it up best. "_**HARRY, YOU (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ING IDIOT!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

"IT WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR A TRUST-BUILDING EXERCISE AT THE TIME!"

Cedric and Viktor both exchanged looks over the suddenly corpse-like Fleur's twitching head that said they were once more reconsidering the advisability of going forward with a cooperation plan proposed by this obviously insane individual.

"'_ARRY POTTER, __**GET YOUR AZZ OVER 'ERE AND GET ZIS WAND BACK**_!" Fluer screamed in not-unjustified panic.

"I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT!" Harry said, who then tripped over a rock. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

Everyone gasped in horror as the frontal wave of a fading fireblast suddenly engulfed Harry. Fleur's scream broke eardrums as her silvery hair began to wave as if underwater. To be fair, so did the screams of a lot of people. They didn't have her hair, though.

Dumbledore was about to leap down to the enclosure, Tournament be damned, but a split second before he could a rolling ball of fire threw itself out of the zone of the flames and behind some rocks, quickly resolving itself into a tightly curled Harry who then frantically began rolling to kill the fires as he pulled off his robes, then his shirt. The mass gasp of relief caused a small breeze in the enclosure as Harry finally managed to ditch all his smoldering clothes and stamp them out.

"RIGHT!" Harry cried as people cheered his escape. "THAT DOES IT! IF I EVER FIND OUT WHOSE _**(BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ING**_ IDEA TO HAVE DRAGON'S, ILLEGAL OR NOT, _**THEY! ARE! DEAD!**_" He looked down and gave a scream.

"**WHAT, WHAT?-!-?**" Bagman asked frantically, trying to crane his gaze over all the standing people.

"THAT (BLEEP)-ING SHOE TRASHED MY ROBE!" a suddenly incandescent Harry roared. He jabbed a finger in the dragon's general direction around the rock he was hiding behind. "I _LIKED_ THIS ROBE! I'D _JUST_ GOTTEN IT BROKEN IN _JUST_ THE WAY I LIKED IT! THAT'S IT! THIS THING IS GOING TO _**PAY!-!-!-!-! FLEUR! WAND!**_"

Fleur tossed the wand as hard as she could into the enclosure, and it bounced a couple of times before a now shirtless Harry was able to pick it up.

And now, a short interlude. Harry, for those of you who will insist on this being described, was _not_ muscle-bound. Come on, he spent a of his time indoors doing schoolwork, editing porn and in hospitals for one reason or another. The sport he's good at in school involves _sitting on a broom_. DBZ-sized muscles? _Please_. That said, just because he didn't look the creation of a mangaka that obviously thought textbook human physiology was too uncool and unrealistic for him didn't mean he didn't look good. He had a physique that's usually called _lean_. Words and phrases like 'whipcord' and 'wire' are usually thrown about somewhere. It was like someone took an average person, replaced all the fat with adamantium, then tightened the skin a little. Stars of shonen manga would not be ashamed to look like him. Some women with fantasies of petite She-Hulk-dom would have liked what he had, provided they got a choice on the cleavage. Despite being mostly sedentary, regular morning exercise, afternoon and weekend ninja training, and an 'interesting' life that usually involved age-inappropriate amounts of danger seemed to have done him good.

We now end this slightly out of place and kinda homo-erotic interlude and get back to our regularly scheduled program. Would you like to pass by our gift shop on your way out? We're having a sale on Uzumaki Harry lampshades.

Harry grabbed the wand, flipping about dramatically in the air as girls and some boys drooled over his now shirtless body while he nailed the landing. The dragon belched another flame at him.

Harry whirled like a Lightning God, his wand snapping up as the flame approached him. "_INCENDIO! KATON: GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!_"

People screamed again as the flames once more engulfed him. at the last moment, a sudden blast of fire appeared, ridiculously concentrated, tearing apart the weaker frontal wave of the dragon's flame. When the flames cleared, a coughing Harry stood revealed, completely unharmed, except maybe for him pounding on his chest to try and clear it.

"You think I'm scared of you, you overgrown luggage set!" Harry cried, standing in the middle of the scorched circle of ground the dragon's fire had made, his voice ringing across the stands. "I'm _HARRY POTTER, __**BITCH**__!_ I killed my first unholy force of evil when I was ONE! YEAR! OLD! _WITHOUT A WAND!_ I've been working in the porn industry _SINCE BEFORE I KNEW I COULD WRITE!_ I've been supporting my little brothers since the orphanage threw us out for being too awesome _when I was five!_ I do more insane things before dawn than both Weasley twins will ever pull off during their lifespan! Slytherin's fucking _**BASILISK**_ couldn't kill me when it actually managed to get one of its fangs _**INTO MY ELBOW!**_ I'm building a harem and so far _no one's tried to stop me__**, even though they know I'm doing it!**_ And now, _**I HAVE MY BOOMSTICK BACK!**_ This isn't a counter attack, suitcase! Ever since the last time someone I loved was taken away from me, I've never stopped! My whole LIFE since then has been a counter attack! You? You're not even a choice flag event in the eroge of my life! "

In the stands, Hermione sweatdropped. So did a lot of Muggleborns and half-bloods.

Ron frowned. "Hermione, what's an– "

"Ron, trust me, you're better off not knowing," Hermione said.

Ron thought about this. "That bad?"

"Your mother would murder me with a rusty spoon." Hermione assured him.

"Ah. Never mind then."

"Accio lots of dry kindling and wood!" Harry cried. Everyone blinked in confusion at this. 'Lots of dry kindling and wood'? The heck? That didn't seem the sort of thing to be used on a dragon you just so dramatically talked smack to.

There was a rumbling and several truck loads worth of wood from the Forbidden Forest suddenly flew over everyone, scattering dark, dust, pine needles and occasional small mammals and lizards. The wood crashed hard all around Harry, who quickly made a swish-and-flick gesture with his wand. "_Wingardium Levi-o-sa!_" he cast, causing the wood to all rise once more in front of him, between him and the suddenly wary dragon.

Everyone could see Harry's sudden 1,971,676 **Kilonazi **grin. "Reducto!" he cried, turning the wood into still-floating clumps of sawdust.

Hermione's eyes bugged out. She'd just realized what was coming. "Oh, my g-"

Harry flicked his wand, sending all the clumps of sawdust flying at the dragon in a suddenly expanding cloud "Incendio!"

The resultant explosion knocked the dragon off its nest.

Everyone stared as Harry casually walked up to the nest and plucked up the Golden Egg tossing it into the air and catching it easily, turning to walk away easily as the still groggy dragon stirred. "SEE!" he called out to Fleur as dragon wrangler suddenly began rushing into the enclosure. "NO CHEATING WITH PASSWORDS!"

Chaos ensued.

...

"YOU IDIOT!" Hermione cried as she was forcibly restrained from trying to strangle Harry.

Harry pouted. "What, no victory kiss? No hug, even? Used to be you fought a dragon, you marry a princess and get half the kingdom!"

"It's not funny, Harry!" Ron said. "You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"I think the big fire-breathing lizard would have taken care of that just fine without my not having a wand," Harry, grinning. Well, chuckling, actually. "Man, I can't believe that actually worked! I mean, I've messed with sawdust explosions ever since that time we went to a sawmill for a class trip and they showed us how dangerous sawdust and an open flame could be, but WOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!" he threw back his head and laughed and laughed and laughed…

Ginny's bat slammed into his head with the force of an angry girl, which is slightly below that of a vengeful deity.

She shrugged as everyone stared at her. "What? He was clearly getting hysterical. I expect it was losing the robe that did it. _Please_ tell me we don't have to hold a funeral for that thing too…"

"_Ginny_!" Harry snapped as he clutched at the charred and charcoal-smelling remains of his robe. "Have you no respect for the dead! She hadn't even gotten cold yet!"

Ginny hit him again.

...

In the end, Harry got a nine from Madame Maxime, another nine from Mr. Crouch and Dumbledore, a ten from Bagman, and a six from Karkaroff. Despite the Bulgarian's rather reluctant score, this put him right in front with Fleur, who scored about a point less than him. Apparently, even the judges weren't immune to the charm of a lovely girl putting herself in danger and getting out of it in a sexy manner.

His friends waited outside as he made his way to the Champions tent. He barely gotten past the tent flaps when he was suddenly tackled by a very nice round, soft, creamy, French girl, who babbled apologetically in her native language.

"Whoa, easy Fleur!" Harry said, laughing easily as he grabbed her shoulders and steadied her so he could look into her eyes. Eye contact was always good for keeping a person grounded, he'd found. "I'm all right! No harm done. See?" he wangled his left hand at her, which was completely unburned.

She began pounding on his chest. "You _IDJOT! _Never do zat _again!_" she cried as she struck him the impacts like little puppies batting cobwebs. "If you do, I am _owt!_ I vill not let you get yourself keeled to prove a point!"

Harry nodded. "Right. Never do it again, don't get killed to prove a point, or else you're 'owt'. Got it. But see? I told you I wasn't holding back anything. Do you trust me _now_?"

Fleur shuddered, and visibly got a hold of herself, finally allowing Harry to stop being distracted by all the sexy to see Cedric and Viktor both looking at him with male renditions of the same 'You idiot! What were you _thinking!_' looks.

However, all Cedric did was swallow and say, in a low, shaky voice, "Good one, Harry."

"You guys too," Harry said as Fleur stepped back and began dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "That was a pretty good Transfiguration! And great spell Viktor. Teach it to me some time?"

"You are mad," the Bulgarian said succinctly.

"Of course! No one sane could _possibly_ be as wonderful as me!" Harry chirped.

"Well done, all of you!" said Ludo Bagman, bouncing into the tent and looking as pleased as though he personally had just got past a dragon himself. "Now, just a quick few words. You've got a nice long break before the second task, which will take place at half past nine on the morning of February the twenty fourth— but we're giving you something to think about in the meantime! If you look down at those golden eggs you're all holding, you will see that they open... see the hinges there? You need to solve the clue inside the egg—because it will tell you what the second task is, and enable you to prepare for it! All clear? Sure? Well, off you go, then!"

Bagman darted off without waiting for their questions, and the four Champions all stared at each other.

"You know," Harry said dryly, "I have a sneaking suspicion this dragon-thing was _his_ idea. Anyone feel like tossing him into the lake wrapped in an anchor?"

"Tempting…" Cedric said, glancing sideways at Harry.

Fleur sniffed. "And gives zee poor squid indigeztion? I zinks not."

"Ah well, some other time then," Harry said, hefting his egg. "So, same classroom in… oh, Saturday?"

They all nodded.

Harry tilted his head. "You guys didn't look at each other. Finally thinking this might not be such a good idea after all?"

Fleur rolled her eyes, lunged forward and kissed him. "'Arry," she said as she drew back. "You talk too much." She flounced out of the tent.

The three boys stared after her. Harry raised a hand to his lips. "Well. That was strangely… anticlimactic," he said, then grinned. "Clearly, this was not a proper execution of the correct procedure. Repetition is required!"

"Bonkers," Cedric hissed sideways at Viktor.

"Who more insane, the madman, or the madmen who follow him?" Viktor said philosophically.

"Don't remind me…"

They found Harry in a stand off with Luna Lovegood.

"You're not saying Bleep anymore," Luna accused the confused boy.

"Bleep?" Harry said, blinking in confusion.

"Bleep," Luna confirmed. "You're not saying it anymore! You stopped saying it around the time you made that Badass Boast to the dragon."

Harry looked at her blankly. "Girl, I never have, nor do I think I ever will, outside of this conversation ever (Bleep)-ing say Bleep in my life."

"Harry! Language!" Hermione cried.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Ah, there we are!" Luna said happily. "You're saying Bleep again! Good! It's the only way to tell you apart from all the others like you. _They_ don't say Bleep. I wish I could talk in little yellow boxes."

She skipped away happily, leaving Harry and company staring at her retreating back.

"What. The. (Bleep)?" Harry said. "Why is she wearing a lampshade on her head?"

"Are you sure this school, and not asylum?" Viktor asked Cedric.

"Some days, I ask myself the same question," Cedric sighed.

...

"I. Hate. That. CAT!" Naruto screamed.

Saskue patted him on the shoulder consolingly and passed him some ramen. The two sulked in brotherly hate of feline-related ninja missions…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Having a little trouble getting a handle on Krum, so for the moment he's channeling the Knight of Esperacchius, Sanya. More than a few Dresden trivia in this piece, actually

...

**OMAKE: Summoning Jutsu Auditions 1: Weasels, Ermines and Such**

...

Harry signed his name on his newly-made scroll with a flourish. Using dark, eldritch powers from beyond the universe, he'd been able to make his very own SUMMONING CONTRACT! Which, as everybody knows, is secondly only to funky eye conditions for gaining power, tied right up there with having something sealed in you.

He made the seals. "_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

Harry stared at the small, white ermine smoking a cigarette that had appeared in front of him. "Yo, aniki!"

Harry's eyebrow twitched. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"Alberto Chamomile's the name, but you can call me Chamo-kun," he bowed. "I'm an ermine fairy."

"Wow, that only sounds _partly _useless. What can you do?"

"I'm a universe-class panty-thief, capable of taking them while still worn, can find a girl by sniffing her panties within a hundred kilometers, and have the ability to gauge how much erotic power a girl feels for a boy!"

"YOU'RE IN!-!-!-!"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"Name?"

"Um, Yuuno Scrya?"

"Any special abilities?"

"Um, I can make shields and other sorts of barriers… and I can heal…"

"Sounds useful! Anything else?"

"Well, I _do_ have this magic pendant. This is Raging Heart, an Intelligent Device of great power…"

"That's a magical girl accessory, isn't it…"

"Oh, no, it's purely a magical item of power"

"It's glowing pink! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out."

"It has a super-powered death-ray function! Several, in fact."

"_**IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

A beautiful woman with short black hair, snow-white skin, and a womanly allure appeared, looking confused.

"Definitely in! Man, this Ermine contract isn't half-bad…"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"A cape? What the… '100 percent Vermine. Property of Lord Vetinari'? Who's that?"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"Name?"

"Um, Yuuno Scrya?"

"Huh? Wait, haven't I already approved you?"

"I'm someone else. Multiverse and all that."

"Huh. Well, what can you do? And it better not be another deathray stick! Sure, it's good, but it's PINK!"

"I just happen to have this hi-tech ring. Which only comes in green, so no pink worries!"

"_A-a-a-a-nd _what good is that supposed to be?"

"Observe! Ring, create construct: _Million Nanohas Emerald Starlight Breaker Rain!_"

_**BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_

Harry stared at the Dresden-esque scene of mass destruction

"_**IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-! IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-! A BILLION TIMES, IN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"Kisame? Where– oh, shit."

"ITACHI! _**DIE!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

...

**END!**

...

Yes, _Million Nanohas_ **is **something I intend to actually use in another fic _very _soon. Had to use all my willpower to keep from putting the rest of this in the main fic and making it cannon, though. I have hereby depleted all my Green and am very deeply in the Orange end of the Emotional Spectrum. I want a hamburger. And reviews. And a hundred hamburgers! And a thousand reviews! I want it! I WANT IT ALL! _**MINE!**_


	21. GoF, Genin Remix 6! To The BALL & BEYOND

A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! **YES! **THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! **AOIRANN, **I LOVE YOU!

Please help build up the page! And please make a page for this! and leave reviews! Lots of reviews!

...

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 21: GoF, Genin Remix 6! To The BALL and BEYOND!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me. TvTropes it, dattebayo!

...

"Dearly beloved," Harry intoned solemnly as they gathered around a square hole in the ground, a grave stone ready to be placed over it on one side. .

Hermione glared at Ginny. "You just _had_ to make a comment about having a funeral for the robe, didn't you?"

Ginny hung her head. "My bad."

"We are gathered here today…"

"This normal?" Viktor whispered to Cedric.

"Depends on what you mean. For this school or for Harry?" he whispered back.

"Harry."

"Yes, this is perfectly normal. Let me tell you about his necrophilia some time…"

"Shh!" Fleur hissed. "'Ave zome respect vor zhe dead! That poor robe!"

The two gave her a flat look.

"Was she always like this, do you think, or is it exposure to Harry that's doing it?" Cedric asked Viktor.

"I'm right 'ere," Fleur growled at him.

Rita Skeeter, who'd been invited to the funeral, just stared at Harry, her brain grinding in place uselessly as she encountered a situation she'd never truly thought existed: someone who acted so outrageously that she didn't have to write one false thing about them. Her instinct towards sensationalism warred with her lack of journalistic integrity…

...

Harry stood impassively as the loud and screechy wailing from the egg filled the Gryffindor common room, his head tilted, lips pursed as he tried to make sense of the noise. It wasn't exactly ear-drum shattering in volume, but it _was_ a pain to listen to.

"Shut it!" Fred bellowed, his hands over his ears.

"In a minute…" Harry said distractedly, listening.

"SHUT IT!" the room yelled at him.

He sighed, but did as they asked, and blessed silence filled the room again. "It's my worse nightmare come to life," he said, completely deadpan.

"Facing a banshee?" Seamus said.

"G-going under the Cruciatus?" Neville said.

"Attack Percy while he's singing in the shower?" George suggested. Everyone gave him a weird look. "What? Have you _heard_ Percy in the shower?"

Harry shook his head. "None of these things. That was clearly the sound of purest suffering. Obviously, the Second Task… involves having sex with Anko."

Everyone blinked at him as Hermione facefaulted.

"Who's Anko?" everyone else said.

"The reason why Harry likes Snape," Ginny said.

"_Professor _Snape," Harry corrected.

"Ex-girlfriend?" Dean asked knowingly.

Harry twitched at the thought and looked like he was going to throw up.

...

"Well, obviously," Cedric said when the four Champions next got back together in the deserted classroom, "The Second Task involves having to put up with you. That's the only activity that could cause such pain."

Harry glared at him. "Can we focus here?"

"Yes, be zerious," Fleur admonished.

"Listen to the beautiful girl," Harry agreed.

"Ve probably 'ave to vatch 'im tap dance as vell," Fleur said.

Harry glared at her.

"And sing," added Viktor.

"All right, I get I'm a pain in the ass, can we get back to work now?" Harry said, exasperated. "Man, you guys really aren't as funny as I am."

The three looked at each other and burst out laughing. Harry rolled his eyes and opened one of the eggs they'd bought to drown them out. They soon shut up as he opened all four and listened.

"What is this supposed to accomplish again?" Cedric said loudly, trying to be heard over the wailing.

"I'm trying to tell if we all got the same message," Harry said. He stuck a finger in his ear and jiggled it around. "Does it all sound the same to you?"

"It sound horrible," Viktor said.

Several hours of impromptu analysis and experimentation followed. Cedric tried to systematically examine the eggs, ignoring the wailing on the off-chance it was some kind of red herring, looking for inscriptions or something that might provide the clue. Fleur tried questioning it, casting spells to see if it could be made to react to anything. Viktor tried to cover and muffle the egg, reasoning that perhaps the wailing had been altered somehow and that they needed to make it intelligible. Harry tried to listen to the wailing, trying to note some sort of inscription, such as the pattern of sounds made– and there _was_ a pattern, they all agreed– trying to see if it contained a cipher of some sort, and tried to set it on fire.

While that didn't work, the other three champions, after putting out the blaze, agreed it was quite cathartic…

...

A few days later, Harry was enjoying breakfast when a red envelope landed in front of him. Distractedly, he handed it to Ron.

"Harry, this Howler is addressed to you," Ron said. Harry blinked in surprise.

"Huh," he said, eyeing the envelope, which hadn't begun to smoke yet, as he turned it over. "Who do I know who would send me a Howle–"

The envelope exploded, and at least three, very pissed off voices erupted from the Howler.

"–_**RE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND? You went against a (BLEEP)in' DRAGON without a wand? What the(BLEEP) is the matter with you?-! I ought to–**_"

"–_**RE YOU INSANE, MESSING AROUND SAWDUST LIKE THAT?-!**_–"

"– _**nearly DIED, AGAIN, when I heard what you did, you inconsiderate jerk! Do you have any idea how upset Sasuke and Naruto were when they**_–"

"_**YOUNG MAN, I DID **_**NOT**_** TEACH YOU TO BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE! SUCH BLATANT DISREGARD FOR SAFETY PROCEDURE AND FORWARD PLANNING–**_"

"Harry-san, please be more careful in future. N-naruto-k-kun was quite upset and when Ayame found out–"

"_Brat, how the heck did you manage not to die with such blatant stupidity? When you get back, I'll–_"

"– _**Nii-san, THAT WAS SO COOL! But I AM mad at you for, uh, being stupid! Yeah, that's right, you shouldn't have been so stupid! And–**_"

"–_**WHO'S GOING TO DO THE EDITING WITHOUT YOU, BRAT? DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO–**_"

Harry and pretty much everyone else stared in as hellish-sounding legion of voices erupted from the Howler, doing various riffs on "_**ARE YOU INSANE**_", "_**WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!**_", and "_**YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!**_".

"Oh, crap," Harry muttered. "Maybe I can stay in Hogwarts this summer…"

...

"We're getting… dancing lessons," Harry said blandly. "Is it just me, or does this seems like something that was tacked on to the curriculum at the last minute when the teachers realized we might not know how to dance? Show of hands, people?"

Everyone in the classroom raised their hands.

Ron frowned at Hermione. "Hermione, I thought you already knew how to dance?"

"Well, yes, but when everyone raised their hand, I didn't want to be left out. It's sort of my thing, after all," Hermione said primly.

"Then why are you in this class?" Ron asked.

"To keep an eye on Harry, obviously," Hermione said. "He might do something in appropriate. No, scratch that, he'll definitely do something inappropriate."

"Hermione!" Harry cried, looking wounded. "I thought we were friends!"

"We are," Hermione assured him. "That's why I'm only trying to stop you instead of cursing you unconscious and locking you in a closet."

"Ooh, kinky," Lee Jordan said.

"Though we're glad Harry's not in the closet," Parvati said.

"No points, that one was too easy," Fred said.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So Harry, who are you planning to ask to be your date?"

Harry frowned at him. "'Date'? _Singular?_"

Hermione gave him a look. "Harry, surely you don't expect to go with more than one date?"

"Why not?" Harry asked. "It's a free world."

"Hear, hear!" Seamus agreed.

"Represent!" Dean cried.

"Say it, brother!" Lavender exclaimed.

Everyone turned to stare at her. She shrugged shamelessly. "What? If Harry's bringing more than one date, that means there's going to be a surplus of boys. Cause I'm _totally_ straight. Yay dicks! I don't see why _he_ gets to do it, and I don't."

"He's not supposed to do it at all!" Hermione said.

"Aww, Kitten, are you jealous?" Harry asked.

WHACK! "Don't call me that!" Hermione cried.

"A-HEM!" Professor McGongall said, her foot tapping in irritation. "While your discussion is quite entertaining, we are ready to begin. Please pay attention."

Harry blinked. "Has she been standing there all along?"

"Yes," Hermione said. "If it makes you feel any better, she also raised her hand."

And thus, the alliteration began…

...

Ron sighed. "Why do they have to go around in packs? How are you supposed to get one alone to ask her, rope one?"

"Usually, I just ask," Harry said. "Smiling helps."

Ron glowered at him. "You're not very helpful."

"Hey, not my fault you can't pull off my moves," Harry said, shrugging. "But don't worry. Ron Weasley, I am going to teach you how to live!"

"Uh, I already know how to live, Harry. Eat, sleep, and Quidditch. What else is there to know?"

Harry clucked disapprovingly, shaking his head. "Ah… and where does getting girls come in?"

"Um… nowhere?"

"Exactly! Come, Ron! We're getting you some girls!"

There was a beat.

"_Plural?_" Ron said wonderingly.

"As an end-goal."

"I knew you were my best friend for a reason!"

...

Hermione didn't look up as she worked on progressing the agenda of S.P.E.W., sketching a plan of the Hogwarts kitchen. "What do you want, Harry?"

"Hermione, would you go to the ball with me?" Ron's voice asked.

"Sure," she said distractedly, jotting down some notes on how to teach House Elves guerilla and terrorist tactics. "Wait, what?"

"See, she agreed," Harry told Ron. "Congrats, you have a date. Take care!"

They both stared as he skipped off.

"You know he was just doing my voice, right?" Ron said. "Disturbingly well, I might add."

"Y-yeah," Hermione said, hiding her blush at her answer. _I will murder Harry slowly in his sleep…_ "The, uh, tone was a bit off. It was a disturbingly accurate mimicry, though."

Silence hung in the air.

"So, um, not that I'll hold you to it, since Harry asked, but did you mean it when you said you'd go to the ball with me?" Ron asked hopefully.

Hermione's struggle against her blush became more difficult. "Eh, why not," she said, affecting disinterest. "Pick me up at eight."

"Er, good! Sure!" Ron said, before he awkwardly walked off, leaving Hermione to safely indulge her blush in peace.

Another presence soon loomed over her. She looked up this time.

Ginny idly slapped her bat against her open palm. "Hermione," she said pleasantly. "We need to talk about your intentions towards my brother…"

...

Harry arrived a little late to the next secret Champions meeting. To be fair, he'd been putting appearances as the other three using _henge_, since he didn't want people to wonder where they were. When he got there, He found Fleur looking embarrassed and Cedric looking apologetic. Viktor looked slightly amused, but that seemed to have become his default state of being once he realized he'd have to be around Harry a lot.

"What's all this, then?" he said, closing the door behind him and putting on the Imperturbable Charm Fleur had taught him on the door to keep people from bothering them. It also meant they wouldn't know if anyone was waiting for them outside, but Harry had handily solved that by asking Peeves to go apeshit on the corridor outside so that no one would bother to be there. Anyone who hung around would instantly be marked, one way or another.

"Oh, thank god, it's Harry," Cedric said, a little too quickly.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "All right, seriously, what's going on here? The only time I get that greeting is when I come home with food."

"They had awkward moment," Viktor explained helpfully. Fleur glared at the Bulgarian. "What? Is true."

Harry gave this a moment's thought. "She asked you and Cho to a threesome?" he asked brightly.

He barely dodged the Flipendo spell Fleur blasted at him. "Wow, was I _that_ close to home?"

"Well, you see–" Cedric began, then cut off when Fleur pointed her wand at him warningly. "Look, Fleur, either he finds out, or he's going to keep making progressively lewder guesses that we'll wish we had a way to bleach out of our minds! You want that?"

Fleur twitched, sending Harry another look, but sighed and put down her wand. "I… azked Cedric to ze Ball. But 'e eez already going with someone else…"

"Ah," Harry said, nodding sagely. "Wouldn't a threesome be the logical answer to that?"

He had less luck dodging the golden egg a blushing Fleur threw in his face. The sudden wailing was an oddly appropriate sound effect for the moment.

Harry sighed, bending down to snap the thing shut. "Ah, the price of being awesome. So, anyone got any new ideas to try today?"

"Maybe it another language?" Viktor suggested as Harry dropped the egg back in the table they used, and they all sat around it. "Not something humans speak. Heard of Parseltongue. Could be it?"

Harry shook his head, definitely, idly spinning around his egg. "No, it is _definitely_ not Parseltongue."

"'Ow are you zure?" Fleur asked.

Harry smiled. "_I know,_" he hissed at her. She blinked.

"He'd know," Cedric confirmed. "Two years ago, there was an incident with a snake. Let's just say finding out someone knows Parseltongue isn't the sort of thing you forget."

"But that's not a bad idea," Harry said. "Definitely not human. These are definitely not sounds you can keep on doing outside of a sustain orgasm."

Viktor held out his hand to Cedric, who grudgingly handed over a pair of Sickles. "Why couldn't you swear?" he complained. "I bet you'd swear first. Could it be some kind of intelligent, or at least intelligible, beast, then? A sphinx, or acromantula–"

"It's not a (bleep)-ing acromantula," Harry said. "Trust me on that."

"Oh, _now_ you swear!"Cedric said, exasperated. "And how could you _possibly_ know that?"

"Trust me, you'd rather not know," Harry said brightly.

The three exchanged looks.

"The less we know, the more plausible deniability we have," Cedric reminded them.

"Works for me," Viktor said.

They spent the session trying to identify what creatures capable of intelligent communication could possibly make those noises. Fleur believed it was some kind of avian-like creature, while Viktor proposed it might be Selkies, or similar kind of shape-shifter. Harry was more able to say what it _couldn't_ be, though it was useful to know they weren't likely to run into werewolves, any kind of snake, and most magical creatures that were some kind of cross with a land-based mammalian predator. Hagrid's appointment as the Care of Magical Creatures teacher the previous year had made him briefly glance through the text, and he retained that much. Cedric, who hadn't taken that class, was able to suggest several spirit beings, a banshee and possibly some form of Sidhe.

"Really?" Harry said, smiling wide. "Are any of them hot?"

"A Sidhe," Cedric explained, pronouncing it 'shee', "are a banshee's evil cousins."

"But are they hot?" Harry pressed.

At which point Fleur dropped a bucket's worth of cold water on him and they called it a day.

...

_Meanwhile, back at the farm…_

_And really, where did that expression come from? I mean, 'farm'…?_

"This sucks!" Naruto complained as he and Sasuke ended their day at Ichiraku Ramen. "Being a ninja's not as cool as I thought it would be!"

Sasuke just nodded, wishing Hinata were here. She'd been spending a lot of time with her new teammates– which he totally didn't begrudge her, it was nice to see her making new friends, and she seemed to genuinely like them, a feeling that seemed returned, which meant he wouldn't need to go and try to beat it into them– and he missed her company. He loved his brother, but there was only so much bitching about how Kakashi wasn't teaching them uber-cool super ninja techniques that can one-hit-kill anyone that he could take.

Sighing, he ate his ramen, nodding and making sounds of agreement at the right places as Naruto went on, exhausted from his own day of not being taught uber-cool ninja techniques that can one-hit-kill anyone. Idly, he wondered what Hinata was doing right then. He hoped she hadn't been entangled by yet another well-meaning former-classmate's crack-brained 'set-her-up-with-Naruto' scheme. Those had been getting increasingly stupid and desperate since so many girls in their class hadn't been promoted to genin. They all felt like this was their last chance to get his attention, since he was going to forget about them and leave them behind (which he had already). Hinata was too nice to tell them to cut it out, but Sasuke felt a little guilty that he was peripheral the cause of that particular mess. Of course, the _actual_ cause was Harry, but since they couldn't trot him out to admit it, there was no point.

Old man Teuchi nodded sympathetically as well, used to acting as Naruto's ranting board. Sasuke always figured he should have a shot glass or something to clean while he did this. It certainly had that kind of air to it. At the other end of the bar, Myrtle and Ayame were chatting about the latest soap opera. They'd become very good friends over the years, proving that girl-bonding can go beyond death. Their shared purpose as surrogate older sister to the younger Uzumaki boys might have had something to do with it as well.

A familiar pair of footsteps made Sasuke look up, frowning. They were quieter and slower than they should be, and he was instantly concerned. Coming up the street were Hinata and Sirius, the latter looking awkward as he tried to be a comforting presence, the former looking a bit tired, exasperated, with a wide, haunted cast to her eyes. It was a depressingly familiar sight. It had become so familiar, in fact, that Naruto could make it out if it was pointed to him. Sometimes he could even do it on his own.

This was one of those times. "Hey, Hinata-chan!" Naruto called out. "Those girls bother you again?"

Hinata plopped down on one of the stools in the middle, staring blankly at the wooden surface, while Teuchi quickly got her favorite ready. She nodded woodenly, not even able to muster the awareness to blush like mad as usual. "They took me…" she said faintly, shock in her voice. "They… _did_ things to me… thongs… see-through bras… water balloons… they… _they…_"

She shuddered, and Sasuke leaned over to put a comforting hand around her shoulders. "It's all right," he said. "We're here. You're in a safe place. It's all over."

Hinata shook again. "_They made me read Twilight for tips!_" she wailed, and buried her face in Sasuke's shoulder.

"Those monsters!" Myrtle cried in shock.

Sirius shrugged. "Meh. It's not so bad, though I'd hardly say you should use it for dating advise."

They all stared at him. "What?" he said.

"You _like_ Twilight?" Teuchi said, hand creeping for a knife in instinctive fear.

Sirius shrugged again. "I've read worse."

They shuddered. "That Azkaban place must have _really_ done a number on your brain," Naruto said succinctly.

"Look it's not exactly a masterpiece, but we can't expect everything to have as much plot as the Necronomicron," Sirius said. Myrtle drifted ever so slightly away from him.

Inside, Sasuke's guilt reached critical mass. He straightened in his seat, a steely, determined look in his eyes, the hand not patting Hinata in the back, comfortingly clenching into a fist before him. "This has to stop. Hinata-chan doesn't deserve this treatment. Something must be done!" Teuchi began to tap one of his pots with a wooden spoon, providing a drumming counterpoint. Sasuke gave him a flat look, but continued on his own little rant. "As Hinata-chan's friends, it falls to us to help our friend through her trials!"

There was a 'pop' and Dobby appeared next to them on the counter. Everyone jumped, though this was something the House Elf did often. "Uzumaki Sasuke sir!" the little elf squeaked. "The pink-haired girl is coming!"

There was a blur and a brief whirlwind. In between eye-blinks, Naruto, Hinata and Sirius found themselves well on the opposite end of the bar from Sasuke, blinking as they wondered how they got there, who was eating his ramen with a scowl that said the food had done him a personal affront, firmly establishing that he was, in fact, a ninja.

A heartbeat later, Sakura rounded the corner at an exaggeratedly casual pace, her long pink hair trailing behind her. "Oh, Sasuke-kun!" she greeted in affected surprise. "Wow, fancy meeting you here! Mind if I join you?"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted loudly, leaping out of his seat. "By all means, join Sasuke! Here, why don't you sit right beside him!"

There was a blur and a brief whirlwind. In between eye-blinks, Sakura found herself sitting on the bar seat right next to Sasuke, firmly establishing that Naruto was, in fact, _also_ a ninja.

Sasuke regarded a suddenly blushing Sakura blankly, than leveled a hatefully glare at Naruto. "I _hate_ you , blondie," he growled.

"Naruto!" Sakura shrieked. "Stop interfering with me and Sasuke!"

Naruto grinned wildly. "But if I didn't, the two of you aren't likely to hook up until you're eighty! That's too long!"

"There will be vengeance, dobe! It will involve fire! And chainsaws, if I can score any! And dogs on motorcycles!" Sasuke continued to threaten, a blush of his own erupting briefly while Sakura was turned away from him. She was so _close…_!

"Hey…" Sirius said suddenly, snapping his fingers. "I wonder if Hagrid still has my old motorcycle. I really should find out what happened to that thing…"

_And thus, nothing was resolved…_

...

"Hey, Parvati, want to go to the ball together?" Harry asked in the middle of breakfast.

All activity in the Gryffindor table came to a screeching halt as everyone stared, eagerly awaiting the answer to the question. The Gryffindor girl blushed and giggled. "Sure!"

Sitting next to each other, Ginny and Lavender took on disturbingly identical jealous poses.

"Great!" Harry said "Hey, Ginny, wanna go to the ball?"

"Oh, NO!" Ron said suddenly, much to the surprise of everyone around him, Harry included. "No, Harry. You're my best friend, and I understand you're a bit messed up in the head, and we all love you for that, since it's never boring, always good for a laugh, and I put up with a lot from you, but this is where I'm drawing the line! You are _not_ making my sister play second fiddle to your date for the Ball! No way, mate! You are _not_ messing with my little sister that way!"

"Ron…!" Ginny breathed, touched her big brother would stand up for her like that.

Fred and George exchanged looks. "Not so hopeless," they agreed, nodding together in approval.

"So_ manly…_" Hermione murmured, then blinked as every looked at her. "I… I mean, did he have to say it so loudly? Yeah, that's it…"

"Wow…" Harry said. "Ron, I had no idea… I mean, if I'd known you felt so strongly about this, I would never have… Ron, you're my best friend!"

"Hey!" Hermione cried.

"My male best friend!" Harry corrected himself "Look, if you have a problem with things like this, say so! I mean, I respect your opinion about things, man! I don't want you to feel you have to put up with me. And I totally understand where you're coming from here. I guess… well, I don't have much reason to rein myself in, and well, I'm sorry. Here, let me make this right."

He turned to Parvati. "Parvati, I'm sorry, but it looks like I'll have to break our date. Something important came up."

Parvati raised an eyebrow at him haughtily, but her barely-suppressed smile sort of destroyed the image. "Well, I cannot say I am happy about this development, Mr. Potter, but I suppose I cannot fault your priorities. Very well, I break off our engagement."

Harry nodded. Then he turned to Ginny, getting down on his knees in mock-solemnity. "Ginevra Molly Weasley," he said with gravity, taking the blushing girl's hand. "Would you do me the great honor of being my number one girl to the Yule Ball?"

"Yes," she managed to say, before blushing and breaking out into giggles at the NARM of it, which seemed to be the signal for all the other girls to follow suit.

"Great!" Harry said, jumping back to his feet. "Hey Parvati, wanna go to the Ball?"

Everyone face-palmed.

In the brief lull after the echoes of all the slaps faded, Hermione's voice could clearly be heard saying to Ron, "Well, what did you expect?"

Ron twitched, glared… and deflated. "Well, at least Ginny's not second fiddle any more," he sighed. "That's worth something, at least."

His brothers patted him on the shoulder. "Solid effort lad, solid effort," Fred said.

"Ginny's honor is upheld," George agreed. "As much as it can be when she agrees to go out with Harry."

"HEY!" Ginny protested.

"Sure," Parvati told Harry, looking amused. "You want me to ask my sister if she wants in, too? You can never go wrong with twins."

"That would be much appreciated," Harry said.

"Parvati!" Lavender exclaimed.

"What?" Parvati said, struggling not to laugh. "We can't allow Gryffindor's Champion to go in with less than three gorgeous girls on his arm! Think of the honor of the House!"

"Hear, hear!" came the chorus, mostly from the boys, though a lot of the girls found the situation amusing enough to agree.

The Creeveys looked proud. "That's our hero!"

Harry bowed, then turned to Lavender. "Hey, Lavender, wanna go to the Ball?"

"Absolutely not!" Lavender said. "I won't be party to this perversion!"

Hermione and some of the girls nodded in approval.

Harry leaned forward to whisper in the Lavender's ear. "Do this for me, and I swear on my good looks and towering ego you'll be in a closet snogging Parvati by Ball's end," he said for her ear only. "And maybe her sister too."

"But I cannot very well allow our Champion to be outshined by anyone else!" Lavender said loudly, a slight blush on her face. "So for the honor of Gryffindor, I accept your proposal, Mr. Potter!"

Hermione's jaw dropped. It was echoed by several other people.

"I'm very glad you think so," Harry said cheerfully. "So, anyone else need a date?"

Several girls' hands and some boys' hands went up.

Hermione groaned.

...

The days leading up to the Yule ball were lively, though a bit tamer than usual, what with having to keep appearances up for the visiting schools. The school was much less crowded than usual, with many students staying for the Ball. Fred and George had begun selling Canary Creams, and one of the Beauxbatons boys, a fellow named Jacque Napier, had expressed interest at the product, leading the three to huddle together after classes and laugh disturbingly, leading most people to avoid them. Evil plotting was obviously going on. People became so wary of food after that, people stared saying they were on the Weasley Diet.

The Champions' second to last secret meeting culminated in two rather big surprises, for Harry at least.

"You've cracked it?" he said in surprise, looking at the three older students. For some reason, Viktor and Fleur seemed very embarrassed by the fact. "All of you? How?"

"Well, it's the weirdest thing," Cedric said. "I was taking a bath in the Prefect's bathroom, messing around with the Egg, and then I accidentally drop it into the water–"

"Time out!" Harry cried, making a t-shaped gesture. "Go back to 'messing around with the egg in the bathroom'."

Fleur held out a hand, and Viktor sighed as he handed her three Sickles.

Cedric glared at the three of them, looking a bit embarrassed himself. "All right, that came out wrong," he said. "But it's definitely not what it sounds like! Anyway, so it opens underwater, and all of a sudden, I can understand it!"

Harry blinked, then turned to the other two. "You've got this too?" he asked.

They nodded. "I've already leestened to my egg," Fleur said. "I've made out the clue. It eez a riddle."

Harry frowned. "But how'd you find out?"

They looked, if anything, more embarrassed. Then Viktor said, "Karkaroff."

Fleur blushed harder. "Madame Maxime."

Harry held out a hand. Cedric sighed, and good-naturedly handed him three Sickles.

Fleur frowned. "You bet ve vould cheat?"

"No," Harry said. "I bet you'd tell us your Headmasters cheated for you on your own. _He_ bet you wouldn't admit it."

"It probably says something disturbing about the world that Harry, hedonist, necrophile and amoral nutter that he is has more trust in your good nature," Cedric said. "Though I'm glad to have been proven wrong."

"They're my friends," Harry said lightly. "I trust my friends. So, this riddle…?"

"_Come seek us where our voices sound_," Cedric recited. "_We cannot sing above the ground. And while you're searching ponder this: we've taken what you'll sorely miss. An hour long you'll have to look and recover what we took. But past an hour, the prospect's black. Too late, it's gone, it won't come back_."

Harry rolled his eyes. "What is it with this school and simple rhyme schemes? Well, what does it all mean?"

Cedric smiled. "You tell us."

"Oh, come on!" Harry said. "You obviously know!"

"Yes," Viktor said. "But work out your clue first. Can't give you everything for free. Just try to solve."

Harry frowned, but sat back, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. "Let's see… from what you've told me, the egg is only intelligible under water… that and the first line… we're going under water. Close to winter. Oh, joy. It'll be the lake, since it's the closest, largest body of water around, which means the squid." He gave Fleur a pitying stare. "I don't envy you. Let's see, what else… we'll have an hour long time limit, and we'll need to recover something. Something that we'll recognize right away, something that's ours. In the lake. Close to winter. With the squid. Oh, joy."

Fleur clicked a stopwatch. "Twenty five seconds. Viktor vins."

She and Cedric both handed him some Sickles as Harry glared. "Will you stop making bets about me!"

"Hey, if we want to take bets on your reaction to keep us sane, that's our business," Cedric said.

Harry glared, but couldn't fault them. "So, we'll be going into the lake to look for something. The big, big lake. With the giant squid, and probably Grindylows and junk. And we'll only have an hour to do it. Oh, joy."

Silence descended as they all took this in.

"Whoever planned this Tournament really _is_ a moron," Harry said.

"Hear, hear," the other three agreed.

"Vhy did you say you pitied me?" Fleur asked curiously.

Harry stared at her. "You… you don't know?"

"About what?" Fleur said.

Harry told her about what happens to girls who encountered things with tentacles.

Fleur and the other three twitched.

"I 'ate zis country," Fleur said.

Harry nodded. "Well, regardless, we'll need to make plans. Does everyone know a way to breath under water?"

Cedric and Fluer nodded, while Viktor looked doubtful.

"Viktor?" Harry asked.

"I could do…human Transfiguration?" he said. "Get gills. That work."

Harry shook his head. "No. You might not be able to cast spells properly if you mess around with your windpipe. There's a Charm I can teach you though. That way, you're not handicapped."

Viktor nodded relieved.

"Ze cold's our next problem," Fleur said.

Cedric agreed. "At these temperatures, we're flirting with hypothermia as it is. If it takes too long, we'll be in serious danger."

"I have some thoughts on that," Harry said. "I know where we can get some insulated diving suits, plus I know some tricks for diving in cold water. I'll need your exact measurements though, ASAP, so I can get them sent here as soon as possible."

Viktor sniffed, grinning. "Pansies."

"We're not all part polar bear," Harry said.

"How would you know techniques for diving in cold water?" Cedric asked.

Harry just smiled.

"Plausible deniability, right," the Hufflepuff muttered.

"Ve still have to find vhatever it eez," Fleur said. "Ze lake eez big."

"It might be best to try and map it out," Cedric mused. "Know what's there, where Grindylows are, that sort of thing."

"Be hard," Viktor said. "We not supposed to be working together."

"We'll deal with it," Harry said dismissively. "I have some other ideas I think we can use, so that we can fit things in an hour."

"Zuch az?" Fleur said.

He looked at the other two Quidditch players. "Ever flown a broom under water?"

Their stares of pure horror would have been funny if he didn't think there might be a very good reason for it.

They'd just wrapped up after promising to meet the next day for Harry to measure them for the suits he mentioned when the second surprise came out.

"So. What time I pick you up?" Viktor asked Fleur.

Harry's head snapped so fast he worried about whiplash. "You're going together?" he exclaimed. "Fleur! I was going to ask you!"

She gave him a look. "You 'ave at _least_ four dates already."

"So?"

A bucket's worth of cold water was her answer.

...

Christmas morning was a sudden, happy time. Harry had received presents from home, something he wasn't sure he'd be getting. Dobby had sent him mismatched socks which had a handmade look to them. The wool was thick and pretty warm. He supposed as long as no one saw them they were all right to wear. Hermione had given him a book called _Quidditch Teams of Britain and Ireland; _Ron, a bulging bag of dung bombs with a note that said 'Don't make me regret this'; Sirius had given him an obviously magical pen-knife with attachments to undo locks and knots, among other things. Nothing he couldn't do already, but it never hurt to have a good tool, and some of the functions were for magical locks. Hagrid had sent him a big box of sweets, while Mrs. Weasley had sent him another sweater and a large quantity of mince-pies. Naruto and Sasuke had obviously splurged this year, because they'd sent him a knife each, big enough to count as a short sword and dulled to lower reflectivity. It was actual a rather nice pair, and he couldn't wait to try it out. Iruka had sent him a book entitled _We Could Have Avoided This: Tragic Mission Files._ He got the point.

Harry and Ron met up with Hermione in the common room, and they went down to breakfast together. They spent most of the morning in Gryffindor Tower, where everyone was enjoying their presents, then returned to the Great Hall for a magnificent lunch, which included at least a hundred turkeys and Christmas puddings, and large piles of Cribbage's Wizarding Crackers.

They went out onto the grounds in the afternoon; the snow was untouched except for the deep channels made by the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students on their way up to the castle. It had taken all of a snowball apiece thrown at Viktor and Fleur to instigate a three-way snowball fight, Hogwarts versus Beauxbatons versus Durmstrang. Fleur proved to be very vicious at this, and many a group of boys had run away in terror at her charging form, which seemed to shrug off snow like air and still managed to send a respectable volume of snow flying, her own classmates right behind her. Several firing positions had been overrun by such tactics, with heavy casualties.

At about five o'clock, the girls had begged off, and the other two schools had combined fronts to take on Hogwarts. The Durmstrang students had managed to set up solid defenses, and Harry had personally needed to infiltrate their lines to open up weak points. This had lead to him dueling Viktor several times, not all of which he won, the bigger boy's sturdier build meant he could take more punishment, and though Harry could lob snowballs at a higher rate of fire, Viktor was able to make bigger ones, which could seriously ruin Harry's momentum.

The First Snow War ended at about seven o'clock, with Hogwarts barely managing to finally defeat the combined fronts of the other schools. This victory was tempered by the fact Harry had been defeated by Viktor 23 to 18, one on one. They'd all split off, laughter in the air, to get ready for the Ball.

In the dormitory, the boys got ready, all dressing a bit self-consciously, even Harry, though this was mostly because he was having a little difficult getting his full complement of weapons under the dress robe. There were bulge issues. He had to leave some of the dungbombs and explosives off, though he did carry his new knives. After all, they were a present.

"All right men!" he said as he marched up and down the room, inspecting the others, helping straighten a collar here, a sleeve there. "This is it! The big one! The night you've all been waiting for!" He pointed dramatically at the door. "Go out there and get some!"

"Yeah!" they all cried, even Neville.

Then they all got stuck at the door and had to go back into the dorm to straighten everything out again. There was no second speech.

Parvati, Lavender, Ginny and Hermione were waiting for them at the foot of the stairs. Except for Hermione, who was wearing periwinkle-blue, they were color coordinated in Gryffindor colors, hair done up and jewelry glimmering. They managed to hit their own notes of beautiful. Lavender was plain hawt, Parvati was exotic, and Ginny…

Well, Harry would never say it to her face, but she was hitting all sorts of moe and loli markers right then.

"I love my life," Harry said, smiling brightly.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Now remember, don't let him pull anything," she told the other girls as she made her way to Ron, who was standing there with his jaw hanging open. "Ronald, close your mouth before a fly goes in."

Ron's teeth clicked shut. Then it opened and shut again as he tried to get words out. Finally, he managed to say, "Hermione… you… _look_…"

She raised a warning finger, though she was smiling as she did it. "Don't. You might ruin the mood." Her tone took the sting out of the words, and they headed off.

Harry bowed, offering an arm. "Shall we?"

Ginny latched on to his right arm, and Parvati to his left. That being all his arms, Lavender was forced to hook her arm to Parvati's. Neither seemed to mind. Parvati's sister Padma met them on the way. By the time they swept into the Entrance Hall, they were a wide procession, with Padma on Ginny's other side– which they didn't mind _too_ much– and a train of Gryffindors behind. Harry saw Fleur and Viktor already waiting, looking very mismatched, while a quick scan of the area showed Cho and Cedric, also waiting.

The oak front doors opened, and everyone turned to look as the other Durmstrang students entered with Professor Karkaroff. Over their heads he saw that an area of lawn right in front of the castle had been transformed into a sort of grotto full of fairy lights—meaning hundreds of actual living fairies were sitting in the rosebushes that had been conjured there, and fluttering over the statues of what seemed to be Father Christmas and his reindeer.

Then Professor McGonagall's voice called, "Champions over here, please!"

The group made their way to her, the crowd parting with some difficulty to let them through. Professor McGonagall, who was wearing dress robes of red tartan and had arranged a rather ugly wreath of thistles around the brim other hat, and a mild look of resigned disapproval, told them to wait on one side of the doors while everyone else went inside; they were to enter the Great Hall in procession when the rest of the students had sat down.

The four champions and their dates eyed one another.

"Dibs on rear," Harry said. "It'll look kind of silly with us in front."

"Middle," Viktor said, and when Fleur frowned, he gently said, "Let's Cedric's date get the attention."

Fleur gave Cho a brief glance, then nodded. "Fine. Ve do not vant to outshow everyvun."

The various dates blinked, looking at the four. There were various questioning frowns the Champions pretended not to notice.

Once everyone else had entered the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall told them to line up…

...

The night passed in a blur. The top table had been a _wee_ bit crowded with Harry's three additional dates, but since Fleur and Viktor had come as each other's dates they'd managed it. Dumbledore looked amused by the situation, while Karkaroff had looked very, _very_ annoyed. Bagman had seemed slightly envious, while Madame Maxime seemed exasperated. Both visiting Heads seemed to disapprove of their Champions choice of date, but there was nothing they could do about it.

The Champions and their dates had compared décor with Fleur and Viktor mentioning how different things were where they'd come from. Then as was inevitable, they quickly moved to comparing notes as to experiences with Harry. He'd been exasperated by the stories, which had completely downplayed how awesome he was.

"Why does everyone keep making fun of me?" he'd said in exasperation.

Ginny patted him on the head like a child. "Because we seldom get a chance to, Harry," she said, and they all laughed.

Finally, after dinner, the dancing began. Fleur and Viktor had led, moving in surprisingly energetic steps. Cho and Cedric had been more reserved, dancing as if they were the only ones in the room. They somehow managed to not make it look cheesy. Harry had his first dance with Ginny, while the other three waited off to the side. Lavender had hesitantly suggested to Parvati they dance themselves to pass the time, and soon the Champions weren't alone. He saw Ron and Hermione dancing, awkward and obviously self-conscious. Neville was dancing with the weird blonde girl who'd showed up at the end of the First Task, who didn't seem to mind Neville sometimes stepped on her toes.

At the next song, Ginny switch out with Padma, since Lavender and Parvati seemed to have wandered off. This song was faster, which Harry just took as a challenge. Parvati showed up for the next song, so Lavender jokingly asked Padma to dance…

It was, all in all, a pretty good night.

...

Lavender woke up with Parvati on one side, Padma in the other, and the curtains of her four-poster being closed by Hermione, who paused when she saw the other girl was awake. "Harry's idea?" Hermione said quietly. Even that low, the exasperation in her voice was palpable.

Lavender smiled, raising a fist. "I will never doubt my Bro again."

Hermione rolled her eyes and closed the curtains the rest of the way, muttering that they at least still had clothes on…

...

Everyone got up late the next day. The Gryffindor common room was much quieter than it had been lately, many yawns punctuating the lazy conversations. Breakfast was served late, and everyone was feeling pretty mellow.

This peace, of course, was broken into teeny-tiny pieces when an owl made a delivery to Harry, he took one look at it, tore the wrapping up on the spot, and let out a loud, triumphant yell, followed by an impromptu break-dance on the bench.

"Someone's happy," Hermione said dryly. "What's the occasion?"

Grinning, Harry showed her the contents of his package. It was a book, with a colorful cover depicting Sirius. It looked like a file photo, and depicted him when he'd been arrested. The title, in large letters, was _A Sirius Scandal: The Strange Case Of Sirius Black, by Rita Skeeter._

A short letter had been written on an inside page:

_To the ever-interesting Harry Potter,_

_I have the honor of presenting you with the book whose existence I owe entirely to you. Without your interviews and interesting suggestions for interpretations of events, I am surprised to admit this book would likely have turned out much less interesting. The initial sales from the pre-Christmas release are already making me a very happy woman. I look forward to further collaborations for the sake of great literature. May you emerge victorious at the Triwizards!_

_Bought and yours, Rita Skeeter -_o_

Hermione read through the letter, then quickly began to scan the contents. "_Sent to Azkaban without a trial… evidence destroyed… eye-witness testimony laughable… _" she muttered out loud, looking up at Harry. "Harry, this is…"

"A _very_ scandalous study of Sirius's trial," Harry said, smiling. "With candid interviews from one of those who encountered Sirius the year before, when he broke into Hogwarts. I thought, _purely_ in my position as an editor, that it would make for a very interesting read…"

Ron whistled. "Uh oh…"

...

"Does zis zuit make me look fat?" Fleur asked as she stepped out of the privacy separator they'd set up in the classroom.

"I believe I can answer for all of us when I say: We are NOT answering that question," Harry said, rotating his arm to test the fit at the shoulder.

It had taken some days, and a lot of expense on his part, but the gear Harry had ordered had finally arrived. Jiraiya had been able to answer his letter in a timely manner, recommending someone he knew in Snow Country, and Harry had been able to pass along an order for four custom-fitted thermal diving suits, complete with gloves and footgear. It wasn't anywhere _near_ what actual Snow-nin wore, but it was infinitely better than any other commercial alternative. Several huge canisters of heat-retaining thermal gel had also arrived, to be rubbed onto the skin before putting on the suit.

"This is lard," Viktor said, opening a canister and taking a sniff.

"It's a heat-retaining thermal gel," Harry said.

"Harry, it is lard. I know lard. This is lard."

"Ew," Cedric said.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Well, whatever. Trust me when I say that it'll help retain body heat under water."

"Oh, I don't doubt," Viktor said. "It just uncomfortable."

"Better that than dead," Harry said, opening a box and pulling out several elastic cloth belts and small metal hip flasks. "This is our other countermeasure against cold. We wear these belts and slip the flasks under them. The flasks will be filled with these blue flames my friend Hermione can make. They won't go out, and they'll warm up the flasks. Between the cold and the insulation, we aren't likely to get burned."

"Ingenious," Cedric said, nodding approvingly.

"Zat takes care of ze logistics," Fleur said. "But vhat about ze rest?"

Harry smiled. "How comfortable are you with sneaking out at night to map the lake?"

There was a moment of thoughtful silence.

"Is any else disturbed we're actually seriously considering this?" Cedric asked.

"Yes," the other two said.

"Hey," Harry protested mildly.

"Anyone else even more disturbed they're considering saying yes?" Cedric asked again.

"Yes," the other two said again.

"Hey!"

"Oh, hush. All in favor of blatantly breaking the rules?"

Three hands went up.

Fleur gave Harry a partly annoyed, partly amused look. "You are a _bad_ influenze on us…"

...

It was a difficult operation. By day, they discreetly researched what they could about the lake. By night…

Harry tried to ignore Fleur as she squirmed behind him, focusing on holding the position of his broom. She was muttering again, and he had to shush her. The part-Veela girl seemed to forget how far sound carried over water. Quickly, she threw the marked sounding line into the water, unwinding it as silently as possible, and using the light from Harry's Hand of Glory to make a notation on the clipboard she carried, before winding it back up, also silently, so that they could move to the next spot and try again. It was made difficult by the fact they were both trying to fit under his Invisibility Cloak.

He could vaguely make out Viktor and Cedric, both under cruder and not as effective but good enough Disillusionment Charms, both on their own brooms and taking soundings by themselves. They were slower, so they leapfrogged each other, managing to keep pace with Harry and Fleur. Out here, only the Durmstrang ship might be able to see them, and Harry had put Imperturbable Charms on the doors and windows to prevent them from being opened at night. A bit obvious, but this way no one spotted them.

They worked as long into the night as they dared, handing the soundings to Harry so he could plot it out on a map. The ones they did at the end of a night often had to be repeated the next day, but slowly and steadily, they managed to make a rough chart of the lake.

There were, of course, difficulties. The giant squid was a nocturnal hunter, and they lost a lot of lines to its seeking tentacles, and possibly other underwater creatures. They quickly formed the policy to just let the ropes go, and packed more sounding lines, since it was too noisy to fight for them.

Their day research in the library also bore surprising fruit. Cedric had been able to find an old map of the lake that seemed to depict the underwater topology, with crudely marked forests of weed and what appeared to be ruins. According to the legend, however, these were merfolk settlements. The map wasn't very useful, since it was more of an instructive illustration rather than a chart, and not even matching the real lake properly, but it gave them a better idea of what they'd find.

They were, all in all, well prepared for the task, although there was one question Harry had brought up that had given them all pause.

"Do you think the castle's sewage is dumped here?" he said one night as they'd prepared to take soundings.

The mass consensus had been, "I don't want to know."

...

February the twenty fourth came. And the Second Task started with a bang. Almost literally.

"_**WHAT DO YOU (BLEEP)-IN MEAN, GINNY'S DOWN THERE?-!**_" Harry cried. He was wearing his robes over his thermal suit, the gunky heat-retaining thermal gel weird against his flesh, the metal flasks of blue-bell flame belted on his limbs already uncomfortably hot.

Bagman smiled nervously. "Well, um, you _did_ manage to interpret the egg, right?"

Harry's fingers twitched, and he found himself thinking how easy it would be to crush Bagman's throat in…

"Harry," Viktor's voice said, his heavy hand falling on the shinobi's shoulder and squeezing. "Time."

Harry scowled, but turned away from Bagman, looking out over the ledge of the platform they stood on. Huge stands had been erected on the water, and many students held strange telescope-like devises that stuck into the water, with multiple eye-pieces. The water was strangely clear, and he could see almost to the bottom. Some spell, he supposed, and not yet on the whole way. After all, no need to let the Champions see through the Fog of War, such as it was, so early.

He took his place with the other champions, wand in hand, as around them people cheered, or messed around with the aquascopes. The other Champions looked determined.

"When all this is over," Harry murmured for their ears only. "I am sending a strongly worded letter to the idiots who thought up this Task. Them I'm sending every curse and bomb I know with it."

The others smiled. "Count us in," Cedric said, just as quietly.

Bagman's voice boomed over the dark water. "Well, all our champions are ready for the second task, which will start on my whistle. They have precisely an hour to recover what has been taken from them. On the count of three, then. One... two... three!"

The whistle echoed shrilly in the cold, still air; the stands erupted with cheers and applause. The four of them began stripping, ditching their robes, to whistles and catcalls, until Fleur sent a bunch of curses towards the loudest offenders. She was surprisingly good at those. They all wore identical thermal suits, and belts with flasks on them. Cedric had a knife on a sheath at his leg, while Harry wore his usual pouches, his new daggers riding in the harnesses where his fuuma shuriken usually were, but covered. Each also wore a length of rope wrapped around their waist.

Quickly, they all cast the Bubble Head charm on themselves, though Viktor needed a few tries before he got it right. That done, the three dived into the water, while Harry raised his wand.

"Accio Firebolt!" he cried.

On the shore where he'd left it, his broom twitched and flew towards him.

There were cries of surprise from those above him as it stopped to hover, and he quickly tapped it, muttering "_Impervious._" Good old Hermione.

Mounting the broom, he threw the confused judges a smile, and pulled up, gaining altitude, before suddenly changing into a nose-dive straight for the water. Cries of shock and surprise rose, but before he could crash, he pointed his wand forward, crying "_Reducto!_"

The water's surface exploded, the surface tension breaking and softening, allowing him to slam into the cold with only a hard bump instead of a crash. Cold enfolded him, obvious even through the suit, but nowhere _near_ as bad as it could be. The metal flasks were a comfort now as he pressed down deeper, the Firebolt covered by a hair-thin layer of air as the spell he'd cast protected it from water.

Down below, the three other Champions held out the ends of ropes tied to their waists. Harry quickly looped to them, tying the ropes to his broom.

"Everyone ready?" Harry asked, voice sounding weird under the Bubble Head Charm.

Their responses were equally warped, but intelligible.

"No going back," Cedric said. "People have seen us working together now."

They all paused a moment, exchanging glances. They were very conscious that they now had an audience. This wouldn't be like the First Task, where the most people would think was that they were at most showing uncommon support and sportsmanship. Already, and if not now, then soon, people would see they were actively working together. Harry remembered how clear the water was from above, and imagined he could feel confused vibrations through the water.

Fleur broke the silence. "(Vleep) zhem," she said, making the boys blink in surprise at her language. "Zhey are not zhe ones down 'ere."

Viktor smiled at Harry. "Bad influence. For shame."

Harry chuckled "You heard the lady. Onward!"

Harry dove his Firebolt into the deep, the three being towed behind him. Above, the clock ticked.

...

"That's it!" Naruto cried, collapsing into an untidy cross-legged heap on the floor of the mission office. "I've had it with stupid cat missions! I want a real mission, darn it!"

Things happen. The story moves on…

...

**- Such an Evil Cliffhanger. To be continued...**

...

A/N: How many people think Naruto ends just after they meet Sasuke in the timeskip? Because seriously, I'm never setting/starting a fic after that point in canon. Madara is such a god-mod sue. And not even an interesting one. He has no Pet The Dog moments. Heck, he was more fun as Tobi.

Please forgive the slow start of the chapter.

I am finally pushing forward my interpretation that Patil and Lavender are an item.

Rita was busy with book signings, and was unable to bust Hagrid. Plus, she and Harry have a different dynamic here…

In some things, the movie had the right idea. How else was the audience supposed to watch the Second Task? In the book, it seemed like they just sat around the stand for an hour until the Champions showed up again…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	22. Being Sasuke, and Other People As Well…

Harry stared at the title above and below him in horror. "You didn't…" he said, voice low and empty with despair

Sasuke shrugged, grinning wildly. "Heh heh heh… at last, after 21 chapters of being a side-character, it's my time to shine!"

"You're… _**HI-JACKING **_my fic?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!" Harry cried, aghast.

"'Hi-jacking' is such a strong word," Sasuke said brightly. "I'm merely having a Limelight chapter, that's all. You can have it back after I've whored it ou– er, finished with it."

Harry whirled to look a Naruto. "Naruto, he's out of control! Help me set this right!"

"Oh, (BLEEP) no," Naruto said. "I'm getting screen time too! The only reason Sasuke's name is getting billing is because, hey, it's my fandom! Besides, it'll look kinda silly with my name up top."

Harry turned tot the others. "Sirius…!"

The Animagus smiled. "More screen time!"

"Myrtle…!"

"More screen time and possible character development!" she said, smiling.

"CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" they all chorused.

"Hinata-chan…!"

"Sorry, Harry-san," she said, poking her fingers together. "But I want m-more screen time t-too!"

"_Eh? Et tu, _Hinata-chan?"

"Dobby wants more screen-time too, Harry Potter!"

"I'M SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES!" Harry cried.

"Enough of this!" Sasuke said, pointing dramatically to the title line rolling up. "Onward!"

"_**NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

...

Uzumaki _**Sasuke!**_

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 22: The Difficulty of Being Sasuke, and Other People As Well…

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me. TvTropes it, dattebayo! As my Author's Notes Area has been stolen, this takes place around New Year's. A short and rather silly piece to reassure people this fic is still alive and kicking. It might help if it had a TvTropes page…

...

Uzumaki Sasuke opened his eyes a crack. He could feel the surface of the kitchen table on his face and could already tell his back was going to hate him when he finally got around to moving the rest of him.

"You really should stop falling asleep on the table," Myrtle commented as she hovered over the sink.

Sasuke mumbled something indistinct that was at least vaguely respectful as he headed for the sink. She charitably made room for him to splash his face, getting the sleep gunk out of his eyes.

"There's a little drool on this manuscript," Myrtle said as she hovered where he'd been.

The chairs rattled as Sasuke rushed back to the table, hurriedly wiping his face on his shirt. He looked over the manuscript he'd been writing the night before, then scowled. "I hate it when you do that," he said.

Myrtle smiled brightly at him.

Sasuke sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He could hear Naruto snoring in the bedroom, as well as Sirius's own snores. The wizard was passed out on the couch, and Sasuke briefly wondered why they'd bothered getting a sofa-bed if no one was ever going to unfold it. Yawning, he did some stretches, getting the blood moving again. That done, he grabbed a balloon from a drawer and filled it with water, tying it shut with familiar experience. Then he grabbed some string from the same drawer and headed for the bedroom, rigging a simple deployment mechanism over Naruto with the string, a candle and some wax.

That done, he checked the time, though that was from force of habit more than anything else. He knew what time it was. He wrote a quick note for Dobby for when the House Elf woke up, and grabbed the chest of tools next to the door. A bath could wait.

The air outside was cold, and Sasuke wondered whether he should change out of his shorts. Ah, well, too late now. As he closed the door behind him, the apartment next door opened, and their neighbor Mari stepped out.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun," Makinami Mari said, waving her fingers languidly at Sasuke. "Sleep well?"

Sasuke inclined his head in greeting. "Mari-san," he said.

"Is Harry-kun back yet?" she said, giving him a half-lidded look from behind her glasses. After all these years as her neighbor, she still creeped the hell out of Sasuke.

"Next summer, Mari-san," he said. Sasuke wasn't the only one the recently promoted special-jounin disturbed. She was one of a very small minority in Konoha: someone who had survived the attack of the Kyuubi and, rather than grow to hate it or similar, had actually felt admiration for it. The reason it was a minority was abundantly clear. Few survived admitting it.

Mari was one of the more vocal, and lucky ones. In her case, she had seen the devastation the Kyuubi had wrought, and what little she'd seen of the battle against it, and had been inspired. While people were trying to rebuild the village and people were being encouraged to have more kids, she had been developing her own fighting style imitating the Kyuubi's savagery and brutality. When her family had found out, she'd been lucky to only be disowned. Sasuke had some vague memory of Harry introducing her to them and saying she was moving next door. He suspected either his brother or the Hokage had something to do with her living next to them.

And now, several years on, just shy of her twenties, and three qualification exams later, Makinami Mari was a proud, if highly unorthodox and mildly reviled member of the Konoha's Shinobi Corps. She insisted on calling herself 'The Illustrious'. People more commonly referred to her as 'The Beast'.

As Mari hopped off, possibly to go on some mission or other, Sasuke headed for the apartment next to theirs, opening it with their key. Inside, the apartment was stripped bare, the floor-panels ripped off to reveal the underlying cement, the wall and ceiling partially peeled apart to reveal the same. Most apartments were basically just cement boxes in Konoha. Village law required it. Only civilians lived in wooden buildings, and the only way a shinobi would consent to live in a wooden structure was if it had been in the family at least a generation or if they had personally supervised every aspect of construction. Paranoia works that way.

They'd made arrangements to buy the adjacent apartment the summer before, but it had only been finalized after Harry had left. Between Sirius, Dobby, and the fact that Naruto and Sasuke were getting bigger, they'd needed more room. The new apartment was basically bare now, as the shinobi approach to house warming was to scour everything and make sure there were no little surprises hidden away. The only things left to demolish were some shelves and cabinets, and then they'd need to replace the doors and windows (who knows what kind of things the previous owner had installed as a way to sneak in?) and to bust through the wall to connect the two apartments together.

Sasuke got to work on that. He and Naruto had been taking turns at this for weeks. Few shinobi allowed contractors into their house, and if they did, they watched them like hawks. As they had no time to do that, they had to do any renovations themselves. He clenched his fists, concentrated charka into it, and started pounding on the wall.

About ten minutes later, there was a loud pounding on the wall on the _other _side of the bare apartment. "_HEY!_" an irate female voice cried. "Keep it down!"

Sasuke sighed, pausing in tearing a hole into his house. "Shikinami-san, you slept through your alarm again!"

There was a pause, then a cry of "_**CRAP!**_" There was a commotion as the accountant frantically got up and hastily prepared to go to work. Sasuke shook his head. It always surprised him that the loud, abrasive redhead was an accountant. Sasuke had an image of accountants, and a fiery-haired woman who was better with knives than most of his graduating class and collected explosive compounds as a happy hobby wasn't exactly part of the image. Then again, _Harry_ was a fully accredited accountant, so maybe there was something there.

Whistling to himself, Sasuke went back to tearing down the wall.

...

Hyuuga Hinata was a good girl.

In fact, give her an orange swirly mask and a nice cloak, and she'll prove it!

The alarm clock next to her futon rang, and it was a few seconds of heavy panting before a shaky hand reached over to shut it off. Since this was a _shinobi_ alarm clock, the careless way she'd done so meant the hand-trap deployed and latched the whole clock onto her arm.

With a groan, Hinata broke off whatever she could possibly have been doing so early in the morning that would have led to shaking hands and undid the clasp of the trap, removing the clock from her arm. Blurry eyed, she gave a very undignified yawn and stretched, pulling her drooping sleep clothes up on her bare shoulder. Rolling out of bed, she made sure the copy of Icha Icha she'd been reading was safely hidden behind its plain brown cover entitled _The Mysteries of Aphrodite and Eros_ by **Darkenning**. She headed for the shower, ready to begin another day of being a genin.

She slid the door open and blinked as she found herself looking into the kitchen. Had she made a wrong turn?

"Morning, Hinata-chan!" a boisterous voice greeted loudly, and Hinata turned.

Naruto stood smiling at her, for some reason holding a bowl of creamed corn and mayonnaise sandwiches, wearing nothing but an apron.

Hinata's nose exploded in a shower of blood as she sat bold upright in her bed.

After several moments of trying to stifle the blood running down her nose, she drooped.

"Darn it!" she wailed. "Even in my dreams I faint!"

...

A fist broke through the part of the wall Sasuke was working on, and one bright blue eye stared at him. "Hey, Sasuke, breakfast is ready!" Naruto called through the hole.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Naruto, I'm right here. You don't have to yell."

"SORRY!"

Rolling his eyes again, Sasuke decided to call it a morning. He gathered up his tools, swept aside the dust and debris he'd made for Dobby to clean up later, and exited the apartment.

Outside, Asuka's neighbor Rei was just coming up the stairs, having just arrived from her stint on the hospital's night shift. "Good morning, Uchiha-san," the pale-haired woman greeted politely.

Sasuke nodded to her in greeting. "Good morning, Ayanami-san. Tough night?"

The nurse shrugged one shoulder. "Nobody died," she said, quoting the medic's best-case-scenario mantra.

They made way for each other as they headed for their respective apartments. The Ayanami apartment's door opened, and Sasuke heard Rei telling everyone she was home as Kaworu, the second eldest, yelled at Yui to get ready for class. Sasuke suspected Harry had a hand in why the Ayanami daughters had ended up living in their building as well. He remembered something about their father committing suicide to avoid treason charges for inadvertently assisting several illegal medical experiments…

Inside, breakfast was… something of a godawful mess. Naruto, Sirius and Dobby were all somehow getting in each other's way cooking breakfast. Dobby kept trying to take all cooking responsibilities away from the other two, Naruto was trying to heat the beef stock of the morning instant ramen, and Sirius was trying to make eggs on toast while still half-convinced the stove would explode if he so much as looked at it funny.

"I thought breakfast was ready?" Sasuke said as he stared at the mayhem.

Myrtle rolled her eyes and pointed to a pile of tomatoes on the table. "If you wanna eat, you might as well start now."

Sasuke sighed, grabbed one of the fruits, and bit into it, resigning himself to yet another late breakfast. Thank KAMI Kakashi was always late…

...

It is a law of the universe that, when you are meeting someone who is always ten minutes late, the one time _you_ are late, not only would they have been there ten minutes early, they will pointedly not comment on how late _you_ are.

Kakashi pointedly didn't comment on how late Sasuke and Naruto were.

Sakura blinked at them as Sasuke determinedly glared down at the ground. "Hey, why are you two late? Naruto, were you picking fights with Sasuke-kun again?-!"

"Hey, the bastard started it!" Naruto declared.

"NARUTO!" Sakura cried, fist clenched.

Kakashi coughed. "Ahem. We have things to do today, children."

Apparently, that wasn't authoritative enough, so after prying Sakura off Naruto, he dragged them off to the mission office…

...

"I," Sasuke pronounced.

"HATE," Sakura seethed.

"THAT DAMN CAT!" Naruto roared.

Kakashi didn't look up from his book. If they thought _that_ cat was bad, they're lucky they hadn't been around to meet its grandmother.

The wife of the Fire Lord had been losing cats for a LONG time…

...

Yuuhi Kurenai stared up at the sky.

"Hinata-chan?" she said mildly from where she lay on her back.

"H-hai, Kurenai-sensei?"

"Exactly _where did you learn that fire jutsu?_?"

"Um…"

"And why do you have a supply of these so-called 'Dungbombs'?"

"MY NOSE!" Kiba kept on screaming. "KAMI, MY NOSE! IT BURNSSSS UUUSSSSS! _**IT BURNSSSS UUUSSSSS!**_"

"I believe it would be advantageous to us to no longer leave Hinata-san's training in pyrokinetics to her own discretion," Shino suggested from where he was using a spoon to dig individual graves for the fallen members of his colony. "In the long run, it will probably be better for team morale."

"B-because we will all grow closer together as teammates?" Hinata ventured.

"That as well," Shino said, moving a tiny pebble over a recently filled mini-grave and patiently painting on the dead insects name. _Jimminy Billybob 176631, you will be missed… _"But I was thinking more of how it will mean we will be able to avoid burn wounds and the deaths of our nasal passages…"

"IT BURNSSSS UUUSSSSS! _**IT BURNSSSS UUUSSSSS!**_"

Hinata drooped. "S-sorry…"

Kurenai sighed, pushing herself up and trying to pretend she was lying on mud despite what her nose was telling her. "Not your fault, Hinata-chan. They don't really put much emphasis on this in the academy. Consider this your first lesson."

Hinata looked up.

"_This,_" Kurenai said, making an illusion in midair as a visual aid, "is what is known as a _fire extinguisher_… In case of fire, we use one of _**these**_. _**NOT**__, _and I wish to be perfectly clear on this point, _**NOT DUNGBOMBS!**_"

...

Everything was confused.

Shadowy figures appeared around them as Harry felt the weight of the bodies over him. His hand held tightly to the Triwizard cup, and a distant part of him realized he must have been going into shock.

"Oh, Merlin!" he heard someone exclaim. "They're dead! _They're all dead!_"

Harry felt warm under the press of bodies, and he struggled to make his mouth form words. The night around the Maze on the Quidditch field was teeming with figures now, and another distant part of him wondered why there was so little lighting. His mouth moved as he tried to speak, to convey the information…

"He's back…" he said, struggling to try and get it above a whisper as his injuries burned. "He's back. Voldemort's back…"

"They're dead! They're all dead!"

"Back…" Harry pressed on. "He's back. Voldemort's back…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

Harry glared. "You're giving me my fic back after this, right?" he said, a tad frostily.

"Hey, after _that?_" Sasuke said, pointing upward. "_Duh_. Otherwise people will eat me alive."

"Besides, we've learned from the mistakes of the source material," Naruto said sagely. "Not everyone wants the story to focus on Sasuke for that long. After all, this is a shounen fighting series! Who gives a damn about character development for anyone but the guy with his name on the title?"

"The Negima fandom would like a word with you…" Sirius said.

"I have the Nanoha fandom on the other line," Harry said.

"Several generations of Gundam fans are very annoyed," Sasuke said.

"T-the Dragonball people give their f-full support of you," Hinata said.

"EXCUSE ME?-!" Shadow Crystal Mage cried. "But can I have my Author's Note's spaces back?"

"Sorry!" they all said sheepishly.

...

A/N: As some great masters once said, "And now for something completely different…"

The tomato is a fruit, and a member of the cherry family. What the significance of Sasuke liking munching on big cherries is best left up to dirtier minds…

...

**OMAKE: Summoning Jutsu Auditions ****2**

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

Harry blinked and stared. "What are you supposed to be?"

The white smiling creature looked up at him. _Make a contract with me, and I will be able to build you a harem of great power…_

"Hmm…" Harry mused.

_Later…_

"Hermione, Ginny, this is Kyubey!" Harry said.

_**VERY BAD END!**_

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"Name?"

"Pika-chu!"

"Um, no. But I have a brother you might like…"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"Are you… my Master?"

"…_And that's how I met your mother," Harry told his kids way in the future. "Now, as to how I met your mother Nanoha, therein lies another tale…"_

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"

"Sorry, but we don't do that kind of crack here."

"Wow, that's kinda hard to believe."

"Well, we don't. Why don't you try that nice **Overmaster** person, I hear he needs a Servant…"

...

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu!_"

POOF!

Harry took one look at the omnicidal pepper pot with the gun turret and sighed. "Okay, I think we're done here…"

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

...

Please review, C&C welcome. Hope you enjoy, and keep the faith alive! I am not dead! This fic is not dead!

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	23. Grave Peril! Sorry, No Zombie Dinosaurs

A/N: Sasuke returned the fic as promised, and now we're back at Hogwarts…

That said, PLEASE REVIEW! I'M IN WITHDRAWAL! I NEED ME MY REVIEWS!

...

Uzumaki Harry

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 23: GoF, Genin Remix 7! Grave Peril! Sorry, No Zombie Dinosaurs

Disclaimer: yes, the title is back to the way it should be. I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. I'm not making any money off this. Please don't sue me. TvTropes it, dattebayo!

...

"Did we ever get the sewage question answered?" Cedric asked philosophically.

"I veleive ve decided ve did not vant to knoh," Fleur said.

"Ah, that's right," Cedric said. "Still, it really shouldn't matter, after all. I mean, all sewage goes into the ocean eventually, right?"

"Cedric…" Harry said.

"So that means the ocean is full of sewage. But no one ever really seems to care, because people still take their holiday at the beach, right?"

"_Cedric…_"

"I mean, that beach water must be _full_ of sewage! But no one ever seems to get sick from it so–"

"**Cedric!** If you don't stop babbling about sewage right now, I'm stopping this broom right here and leaving you behind! Now keep a bloody eye out"

"Sorry."

The four champions continued through the water, eyes looking everywhere. The lake was murky green, and they'd needed to shine their wands to see through the mess. Harry lamented not stealing one of the periscope things when he'd had the chance. The weak winter sunlight made for a sickly light, made all the worse by the waving forests of seaweed. Lake weed? Kelp? Actually, Harry wasn't sure.

The other champions trailed behind him, tethered to his broom by their lines.

"I wonder how much trouble we're going to be in when we get back up," Cedric said brightly.

"Don't be defeatist Cedric," Victor said.

"'E eez right," Fleur said. "Ve might die and not 'ave to go back!"

Harry looked over his shoulder and glared at them. "Hey, _I'm_ the one who makes the bad jokes in this group, darn it! Stop stealing my only contribution!"

In response, the three pointed. "_**LOOK OUT!**_"

Harry turned in time to get a face full of Grindylow.

This wasn't the first time he'd been hit in the face. After all, hitting someone in the face had certain tactical advantages. You negated at least three senses if you hit right, you interrupt their thought processes, it was hard to effectively armor against so it was always a soft target, and it _hurt like hell_. Being hit in the face underwater was kinda new, though.

Harry was knocked off his broom by the impact, his Bubblehead Charm popping out. Water pressure suddenly became a pressing (_ha-ha!_) issue as the secondary benefits of the spell went bye-bye. He flailed about, momentarily panicked. Underwater combat wasn't something that they spent a lot of time with in the Academy, the idea being if you were stupid enough to be pulled underwater you deserved to die anyway (or at least that's what Anko said), so he had no instincts to fall back on. He could feel tentacles wrapping around his head, and little claws cutting at his scalp, and kept his mouth firmly closed. ALL ninja knew how to react to tentacles, at least. He felt more claws and tentacles beginning to settle on his arms and legs.

The sensation of heat against his neck was quickly followed with the Grindylow being ripped off his face and he involuntarily let out a lungful of precious air as he cried out in surprise in pain. The cold of the lake was a thematically unpleasant contrast to the sudden fiery pain of suction cup wounds all over his head, not to mention friction burns.

A part of his brain that sounded suspiciously like Naruto said he was acting too uncool for a ninja.

Distantly, a distorted, bubbly voice called out a spell.

And suddenly he was breathing again as another Bubblehead Charm wrapped around his head, the pounding on his ears fading as the spell fixed the issue of water pressure. He took a deep breath, choked, and threw up water, popping the spell again.

There was a warbling, annoyed sigh, and a feminine voice cast the spell on him again. "'Onestly, 'Arry, are you _trying_ to get keeled?"

"I tried to sign up for this, didn't I?" Harry said.

Fleur glared at him. "Do you _vant_ to keep breazing, 'Arry?"

Harry's hand snapped to the knife at his shoulder, drawing the blade and leveling it at her face. She kicked back, her own wand reciprocating.

"_Relashio!_" they both cried. Jets of heated, kinetically-energized steam bubbles flew from wand and knife-point.

Both looked over their shoulders at the Grindylows flying back.

"Wow," Harry said. "If this were a movie or something, that would have been _awesome!_"

Fleur rolled her eyes and shot another curse at the Grindylows.

"Cedric! Viktor! Back to back with us!" Harry called, sniping at the little water demons. "Hey, get away from my broom you little sea monkeys!" A shadow passed over him, and he looked up in time to snap a spell and stop a repeat. "Fleur, watch the area under us! We've got two more directions to watch now!"

The two other Quidditch players had moved to watch each other's backs. Their playing experience had taught them to watch all three axis, and from the number of jets coming from them, they were _quite_ enthusiastic to _finally_ be able to hit back in this situation. Fleur was less experienced, but her quick eye managed allowed her to make up for it somewhat, and apparently walking around with her nose in the air and wearing a skirt had given her an instinct for knowing when something was coming at her from below. Harry kept the area above them clear, while taking on the rest on his side and keeping his broom clear of the little things. The others were still tied to it, keeping it from sinking to the bottom.

Slowly, the two groups came together, managing to watch all directions. They managed to drive off the Grindylows; they were ambush predators who relied on surprise and numbers to win. In no time, the things were zipping back down into the weeds… kelp… whatever.

"Wow…" Harry said. "Awfully convenient we took up those things with Professor Lupin last year."

"Time," Cedric reminded him. "_Accio Firebolt!"_

"Hey, _my_ broom, remember?" Harry said, taking it from him and getting mounted. "Hold on! I'm going to see how fast I can get this up to. And watch out for monsters this time!"

The other three wrapped their hands on the lines securing them as Harry brought the broom back to life, moving faster through the water. A few random Grindylows darted at them from the weeds, but there was no big rush like last time, and they were easily kept back by blasts from the Champions. At one point, Viktor had them dive among the weeds as the shadow on the giant squid came ominously close. No Grindylows were in the weeds with them, making Harry wonder darkly that the little buggers might be smarter than they thought.

As the squid faded back into the water and they were breathing sighs of relief, Fleur cocked her head, raising a hand. "Do you 'ear zhat?"

Cedric and Viktor frowned, shaking their heads, but Harry cocked his head to the side too. "Is that… singing?"

"Accapella," Fleur said critically, and sniffed. "Zhey need more mid-rangez."

"How you know?" Viktor asked.

"Zchool choir," Fleur said. "Four years."

"I think it's coming from over there," Harry said, pointing. "Come on."

They flew off, leaving the kelp beds and over plains of black mud. Or at least, Harry hoped it was mud. Really, _really_ hoped it was mud. He saw the others trying not to look at it. Soon, the other two began to hear it too, a haunting, ethereal tune. Harry aimed for it, and soon a large rock resolved out of the muddy water ahead. It has been crudely painted with drawings of merpeople, like children's scrawls.

A little further on, and suddenly what looked like stone dwellings faded out of the water. They were crude, hollow affairs, more a means of defining 'inside' and 'outside' and a place to keep possessions than shelter.

"We not alone anymore," Viktor said grimly.

Merfolk surrounded them, just out of sight, the fishy sheen of their bodies rendering them near-invisible, but what little Harry could see of them, he had to wonder how drunk and horny sailors had to have been to find them hot. The 'dwelling' were getting more complicated now as they went deeper into what was obviously an urban center, growing more numerous and crowded together. There were kelp gardens in front, and even some pet Grindylows, a few wearing the Grindylow-equivalent of those ridiculous shoes and sweaters some pet owners put on their cats and dogs. It looked no less absurd on the Grindylows then it did on the mammal quadrupeds.

"Hey, Cedric, maybe _they_ know the answer to the sewage question," Harry said brightly.

Cedric gave him a dirty look.

Not long afterwards, the little stone huts opened into what looked like a central square. And in the center, four figures floated, eyes closed. Fleur gasped.

"Your little sister?" Harry asked as they slowed, beginning to swim on their own power. The little girl having silvery hair was sort of a dead giveaway

Fleur nodded.

"She's cute," Harry said mildly.

Fleur stopped dead in the water, turned and leveled her wand at a surprised Harry's nose. "Touch my leetle sister," she said flatly, "and I castrate you. Understood?"

"Perfectly," Harry said, going cross-eyed as he stared at the wand. "Absolutely clear."

Fleur nodded curtly, turned and swam away. She somehow managed to do that huffily.

Harry turned to the other two. "I don't come across like _that, _do I?" he said.

The two exchanged looks.

"Oh, come on!" Harry said. An ungenerous person might say he was pouting. "Do I _look_ like some kind of sexual predator?"

They shared another look.

"I hate you guys," he muttered, turning and also managing to swim away huffily.

Cedric and Viktor exchanged smirks and followed.

...

As the merfolk circled, Harry gave the other three a withering look. "Three older wizards supposedly better prepared than me, and not _one _of you thinks to bring a knife," he said, sawing through the rope tethering Ginny in place.

Fleur sniffed, making her head bubble ripple. "Arry, ve could 'ave used our vands for this."

"Oh, then should I use my wand then…?" Harry asked, pointing his dagger-wand at Fleur's sister.

"Try and I keel you," Fleur said.

"Ah, Fleur, every word out of your mouth just turns me on even more," Harry swooned.

Fleur raised an elegant eyebrow. "So vhat elze eez new?"

Harry laughed. "My knives it is."

As Harry sawed through the rope tethering a Durmstrang boy in place, Viktor said, a bit defensively, "He's my study partner."

"I didn't say anything," Harry said.

"Nothing wrong with it at all," Cedric agreed, securing Cho as well as he could to the end of his tow rope.

"It's just Quidditch takes lots of my time, I need help catching up," Viktor continued.

"Perfectly understandable," Fleur agreed.

"Why is blud coming from your nose?" Viktor said.

"No idea vhat you mean…"

"You'd better hope there aren't any sharks down here," Cedric warned her.

"Don't be zilly. Zhere are no fresh-vater sharks in Great Vrittain."

"Like there aren't any giant squid?" Harry said.

...

The trip back was slow going. They needed to make sure their hostages didn't get tangled up in their ropes after all, plus they were no longer tied down themselves. Harry had to fly slower, mainly because he had Ginny on his lap, and the combination of having to keep a hold on her and trying ot use a broom underwater was making for some awkwardness. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't a pervert. He only messed with girls when they were conscious, so they'd be perfectly capable of screaming in protest and expressing their displeasure. That was only fair. Be unconscious, and he was positively a gentleman.

The hostages were still alive… somehow...

"Eet must be ze spell on zem," Fleur had hypothesized. "'Ostages are no use dead."

"So they should be fine even if we stay underwater?" Cedric had asked, wrapping his rope around his arm.

"The ride is smoother down here than if we bring them to the surface and drag them along," Harry had agreed. "We just need to be careful we don't run into any Grindylows."

And they hadn't. Not one Grindylow, fish, suspicious moving shape. The way back was pretty free and clear.

It took all of Harry's not really that considerable impulse-control to keep his mouth shut about that.

"This easy," Viktor commented, shifting his study buddy. "I actually thought be harder."

Harry threw back his head and screamed.

Everyone looked at him, surprised.

"You had to say it," Harry nearly sobbed. "Why did you have to say it?"

"Vhat did 'e say?" Fleur asked, equally confused.

"_He tempted fate!_" Harry cried. "He waved a banner in front of fate reminding it we existed! Things can only go down from here! We're probably going to be attacked by a freshwater-shark or something! Fate is going to bitchify us! Fate is going to shove us against a wall and brutally sodomize us!"

"Fleur, your nose is bleeding again," Cedric commented.

"Eez eet?" Fleur said, looking half-dazed.

"Harry, you are being silly," Viktor said.

"Whatever happens to me, take care of Ginny!" Harry declared emo-ly.

Cedric sighed as the water began to darken. "Harry, come on. We're running out of time. Nothing bad is going to happen. Fate is not out to… bitchify… us."

Harry didn't answer. "What happened to the sun?"

They all looked up.

There was a high-pitched, girly scream of utter terror.

Everyone blinked and looked at Harry.

He blushed, coughed, and let out a low-pitched, manly scream of utter terror as the giant squid descended upon them, its tentacle's spread.

"Harry, relax," Cedric said. "It's just the giant squid. It's harmless."

"It has _tentacles!_" Harry hissed. "_Nothing with tentacles is ever harmless!-!-!-!-! _You just know it wants to take its phallic little limbs and violate Fleur all over, shoving it's naughty little meat sticks where the sun doesn't shine…"

"_Ew…_" Fleur said, giving him a distasteful look.

"Harry, your nose is bleeding," Viktor said pleasantly.

"_I can't help it…!_"

The giant squid began to descend lower, its tentacles extended.

"Um, not that I agree with Harry, but it's still coming closer," Cedric said.

Fleur sighed. "Alright 'Arry, eet vas funny and all, but look, just because somezhing 'as tentacles doez not mean zhat it vill–"

She screamed as a tentacle wrapped around her leg, losing her grip on her sister. It was, in retrospect, much lower pitched and less girly than Harry's had been.

"_Gabrielle!_" Fleur cried as a tentacle snaked down to the smaller girl.

A jet of superheated bubbles flashed, stinging the reaching tentacle, which recoiled. "_Protect the loli!_" Harry cried.

"_Accio!_" Cedric and Viktor chorused, and Gabrielle stopped her downward drift.

Harry cursed. The water rendered throwing anything impossible. He leveled his wand at the closest tentacles, sending curses at them, stinging the squid as Fleur grabbed her sister, grabbing the rope tight.

Harry grabbed his Firebolt and kicked it into gear, holding Ginny tight against him. Ropes went taught as he towed the others through the water.

The squid overtook them in one lunge. Harry dove, barely avoiding the leading tentacles, but he knew this was a losing proposition. It was only a matter of time before the squid trapped them against the lakebed if they kept diving. Behind him, he could hear the other three throwing their own curses to try and discourage the squid.

He knew it wasn't going to go away, however. He knew deep in his ninja soul that it wouldn't rest until it had captured him and forcefully stuck its–

Harry stifled his whimpers as he realized what he needed to do. He looked back and made a snap decision.

"Viktor! Take over the broom!" Harry cried, slapping a temporary sticking charm to Ginny to keep her on the broom as he kicked off. He poured chakra into his legs and arms, trying to smooth out his movements as he swam at a right angle from the others. There was a cry as Viktor dropped his classmate, but Harry ignored them, swimming as hard as he could. He didn't know any fancy jutsu for getting through water fast, but he knew enough to keep himself going.

He heard voices crying out behind him, but he ignored them. He could feel the giant squid swimming through the water, coming after him and hoped to the Shodai Hokage he came out of this with his anal virginity intact…

...

Up on the platforms, people waited with bated breath, murmuring excitedly to each other and wondering what had just happened. There was no other topic of conversation, everyone focused on the second task. People rotated around the underwater periscopes, while others

"So, you slept with the Patil twins?" Dean asked Lavender.

She elbowed him shut. "Keep it down," she hissed, blushing.

Well, most of them.

"So, where are they?" Hermione asked Ron, who was handling the periscope.

"Oh, they were on their way back," Ron said. "I can't see them right now, the giant squid is in the way."

Out in the lake, giant tentacles erupted from the water.

"Release the Kraken," Luna said dreamily. "Despite the joke being several years out of date."

Everyone took a few steps away from the crazy girl.

Hermione frowned. "I hope Harry's okay."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione, it's just the giant squid. It's not going to kill Harry. It doesn't even have teeth."

Hermione gave him a flat look. "Ron, giant squids are carnivorous."

"Hermione, they don't even have teeth."

"No, they have vicious beaks that can tear a whale apart."

Ron blinked. "Really?"

Hermione nodded.

"Huh. So that's what Harry was trying to swim away from," Ron said.

He yelped as Hermione grabbed his collar. "What?" she shrieked.

"Relax, I think he got away…" Ron said.

Down below the water broke, and there were cries as Fleur scrambled onto the deck, pulling a small girl with her. Her classmates surrounded her, one throwing a warm robe around her and another on the little girl. Another came with a bunch of towels. She waved the second one off as she spoke in rapid fire French. Cedric broke the surface, heading for the closest platform, which happened to be where Fleur was. He hesitated halfway, since the Beauxbatons students were crowding thickly on the edge, and he turned towards the next platform instead.

Fleur broke through her classmates, letting her robe fall open as she knelt and extend a hand towards him and Cho. Cedric smiled and took it, and she helped pull him up, the two of them carrying Cho out of the water. The two of them were ready when Viktor popped out, holding his classmate in one arm, and Ginny and the Firebolt in the other. "Quick, quick!" he cried, and the two leapt into action, Fleur grabbing the Gryffindor girl and tugging her out of the lake as Cedric did the same for the Durmstrang boy.

As soon as his arms were free, Viktor turned and mounted the Firebolt, rising out of the water towards the writhing mass of tentacles.

"Hey!" Cedric called out. He leapt, his feet landing into the water but grabbing Viktor's leg. "You're not going without me!"

Viktor grunted, reaching down and pulling Cedric on behind him as the broom began to accelerate.

"Hey!" Fleur called out angrily, shaking her fists at them as the Tournament began climbing down onto the platform. "Come back here, you (VLEEP)-ing (VLEEP)-ing (VLEEP)-ing (VLEEP) voys!"

"Mademoiselle Delacour!" Madame Maxime cried, shocked.

"My word!" Bagman stuttered.

Letting out one last string of (VLEEPS), Fleur turned and, dropping her robe on a reviving Ginny, she barreled through the judges and ran up the stairs, rushing towards the highest point of the platform, dodging students from all schools as she ran frantically to the top. She ignored the cries behind her, demanding that she stop, asking what was going on, and where Harry was.

She reached the top of the stairs, which was relatively clear except for two of her classmates, Illyasviel and Kurosviel, making out. The two split apart, but she ignored the sisters as she ran to the edge, drawing her wand. She held it before her, facing the mass of tentacles writhing above the water, flashes of green and red light flickering around it. Her wand made a complicated gesture as she put her advance classes to bear. "_Lumièreia-Desii-Étoilesin Disjoncteurius!_"

An intense beam of light erupted from her wand, streaking towards the giant squid. Below her, there were sudden cries of surprise as the blinding radiance lit up the day. When Fleur's vision cleared, the squid's tentacles were waving frantically, and Fleur allowed herself a smirk. She'd _finally _managed to find a use for that lighthouse spotlight spell. She didn't know much about squids, but she'd seen enough to know one thing: squids had enormous eyes.

And she'd been aiming for one when she'd thrown that spell.

"_Fix your clothes you two,_" she snapped at the Einzbern twins in French. "_It's cute and all, but the teachers might not think so…_"

"_Stop oppressing our lifestyle choice!_" Kurosviel snapped.

Illyasviel sighed and dragged her sister away, telling her to button up her blouse and straighten her skirt, her panties were showing…

...

There is no exercise in the world like combat.

All ninja faced the problem of running out of energy, whether that energy was chakra, the calories to keep their body moving, or the mental awareness, acuity and concentration that translated to spiritual energy. Rival clans and villages had devoted countless manhours to finding out how the Akimichi clan managed to stay fat while still having the active lifestyle of a shinobi. In the shinobi world, the challenge was keeping the calories _on_, not off.

Harry knew he was in the average range for his age group when it came to chakra. Physically, however, he knew he was slightly below average. Despite all his training and exercise, the relatively sedentary lifestyle of school like had taken it's toll, and the hellish training– and, he grudgingly allowed, proper reconditioning– of summer was a long way off.

He'd tried to head for the surface as soon as the others were out off sight, sending back Cruciatus curses to try to keep the giant squid at bay. The parts he'd hit reeled back, but it kept on his trail. He wasn't sure if it had a significantly different nervous system or if it was just too big to affect with the spell the way he was throwing it around in panic. His fire jutsu were useless underwater, and his other stuff was too close-range.

A tentacle wrapped around a leg, and he screamed, his wand flashing down and flicking a Severing Charm. Dark squid blood erupted, and the grip loosened. One kick, and he'd wrenched out the suckers, swimming harder, but more tentacles came his way. He threw Furnunculus Curses at them, causing boils to break out over the tentacles. The tentacles suddenly twitched, as if extra sensitive, and he managed to doge past them, cursing any in his way.

He heard water churning, and felt hopeful. Churning meant there was air nearby to churn. He looked up, saw the glistening mirrored surface close, and made a break for it. He broke the surface, but he could hear tentacles breaking out of the water around him as he charged his hand and legs with chakra, pushing himself out of the water and onto his knees, then getting to his feet. The water was roiling, making his footing less than stable, but was a steadier battle position than being underwater, he drew the blades he got for Christmas from his back, slashing at the tentacles coming for him as he tried to orient himself. He was in the middle of the lake, and he couldn't see the platforms anywhere, but from the side of it, they were right on the other side of the giant squid.

He supposed that was a blessing. At least there wouldn't be any awkward questions about why he was walking on water. He supposed there was probably a spell for doing that, but he probably wouldn't be able to answer if asked, and even he recognized there was a limit to what people would swallow. Those were considerations for later, though, as he tried to stay out of the giant squids reach. He could feel the terror rising in his shinobi heart at the sight of this most ancient and nefarious enemy of his people. Minds had broken because of these things, families destroyed. There was probably a provision in the agreement between the ninja villages banning thee things from being used as a weapon. He'd heard from Miko-san that the Miroku had once devoted themselves specifically to finding techniques to counter these… _things_ and had failed miserably. Not even their specialized clan jutsu had given them an advantage, and it was whispered the attempt had seeded the entire clan with insanity. That certainly explained a couple of things.

A tentacle wrapped around his leg again, but his response was faster now, slashing downwards in the accepted academy manner for getting your leg out of snares without cutting it off. The tentacle recoiled, dark blood dripping as it drew back.

"How many tentacles does this thing have?" he cried in exasperation as he stood on the increasingly choppy water. The flasks tide to his body burned hot, in sharp contrast to the rest of him, which was starting to freeze in the wind.

Then there was light.

Harry's pained scream of "_**GAH! MY EYES! I'VE GONE BLIND!-!-!-!-!**_" was sort of overshadowed by the vibrating roar of the giant squid. He tried to blink vision back into them, but even with the squid blocking whatever it was, that light had been intense, and all he could make out were hazy shapes in the midst of bright flickers. He could see the colors of the tentacles and the water, but both were hazy, and the flash had destroyed his ability to estimate distances. He saw a blur of flesh try to lash at him, slashed and missed, and saw he'd misjduged, he wouldn't be able to bring his blades back in time…

A spear lashed out of the water, piercing the tentacle, and it drew back. Harry tried to blink his eyes clear. There shapes under the water, and he could hear a mix of high-pitched shrieking and barely legible bubbly words. Merfolk? What were they doing up here? He could barely make them out, some half-way above the water, most below, stabbing at the giant squid with spears, a few bursting up from the water like dolphins to throw their spears in mid-air.

"HARRY!"

He looked up. There were less spots in his eyes, he he could vaguely make out a broom in the air, it's rider strangely distended and huge. As it flew, closer, he saw it was two people. "Here!" he called out, waving his arms. "Cedric! Viktor!"

He belatedly remembered he should probably let himself sink into the water when a flailing tentacle whipped around his torso and jerked him into the air. He let out a cry as a distinct crack erupted from his torso at the impact. Broken rib, he thought dazedly, perhaps two. At least it wasn't his spine, because he could still feel the flasks warm against his legs. Thank goodness for small mercies…

Now, if it would just not pierce his lungs…

He tried to stab at the tentacle, only to belatedly realize he'd dropped the blade. Oh, wouldn't Naruto and Sasuke be pissed. He fumbled at his shoulder, at the wand dagger he'd holstered there, but his fingers felt thick and mushy. Oh, was he going into shock? Well, between the cold and the rib, possibly ribs, it wasn't a surprise. Wow, Anko was going to be pissed a him, letting such a little injury turns his brains to mush like this…

His eyes were clearing more, his gaze bleary, and but the tentacle squeezing on his broken rib was keeping him awake, why was it getting darker? And what was that beak… thing…

Oh.

_Oh!_ It only wanted to _eat_ him! What a relief! He was going to die with his virginity intact!

…

Wait a minute…

The horrible incongruity of that thought snapped him mostly out of his shock as he realized what he'd just thought. Water lapped over his legs as he finally drew his dagger wand, trying to get out of the squid's grip.

The giant squid shrieked suddenly, and Harry cried out as the tentacle whipped outward, pressing against his rib. There was a crimson flash, and suddenly he was in freefall, the cut tip of a tentacle still wrapped around him, the muscle spasming randomly.

Viktor appeared out of nowehere, Cedric behind him, one arm extended. The Hufflepuff managed to grab Harry's free arm, but it slipped, and the older boy swore. "Closer!" he snapped.

The water was five feet below them when Cedric managed to grab Harry's forearm in a more secure grip just as Viktor pulled up sharply. Harry's feet trailed the water as they took to the air, leaving the giant squid behind fighting the merfolk. He could feel a warmth inside him. How nice. This must be that warm and fuzzy feeling they talked about…

"Hang on, Harry!" Cedric cried. "Hang on! Stay with me!"

What a stupid thing to say. Of course Harry was hanging on. Look, his dagger was still in his hand, so he hadn't let it go! Now, if they'd only do something about this pain in his side, he'd be just dandy, right cute girl with the top hat flying next to him?

The platforms were in chaos as they landed, Harry's feet scrapping along the ground, a length of tentacle still wrapped around him. People were crying, and he could vaguely make out Ginny and Hermione's voices. Someone grabbed him roughly, and he let out an involuntary cry. He heard Cedric yelling, saw Luna chatting pleasantly with the girl in the top hat as blackness overcame him…

...

He came to in the hospital wing.

At first, he just lay there, wondering vaguely just what had happened this time to land him on his specially-reserved bed. Then the memories started trickling in, and he jerked upright, then winced as the bandage tightened along his chest. He could feel the tingly-tingly feeling of Skele- grow in his system, and his mouth was full of strange flavors he _dearly_ hoped were potions and not some sort of giant squid semen.

He looked around, but the pitcher next to his bed was empty. Well. How do you like that. He glared at the motley crew napping around his bed. They could have at least left him _some_ water. Hermione had fallen asleep on her chair with a big medical book entitled 'Lungs: The Hows and Wherefores of Curing' open on her face, a line of drool trickling down her partially-open mouth. Ron and Ginny were passed out on the bed next to his, looking like they'd fallen asleep sitting up and gravity had inevitably dragged them downward. Someone had lain a blanket on the sleeping pair, who were lying against each other, looking absolutely adorable. He had to wonder why Ginny looked like she'd been crying, though. Maybe she'd had a nightmare? Well, it looked like it was all done, at least.

On his other side, Cedric, Viktor and Fleur were similarly passed out on their own chairs, The stoic Bulgarian was sitting more or les upright, his arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed sullenly as he slept. Cedric was slightly less dignified, sleeping wit hhis head lolling back over the rear of his chair, mouth gaping open, his nose whistling slightly as he breathed. Fleur looked tiny in her chair, her knees pulled up under her chin, gripping Harry's sheathed dagger tightly in her hands.

That prompted Harry to look down at himself. Someone had changed his clothes, and his weapon belts with their empty sheathes were on his _other_ bedside table, along with his _hitai-ate_. He picked that up and deftly tied it around his head above his scar, tying it securely it wouldn't slip off due to its slightly awkward placement. There was a trick to it. He smacked his lips, grimacing at the horrible taste in his mouth. It was late– or very early– if the shadows were any indication, and he _really _needed a glass of water. He slipped out of bed, walking quietly so he didn't wake anyone up. The light was on in Madame Pomfrey's office, but he didn't think she had any water in there. And speaking of water…

He sighed as he relieved himself in the lavatory next to the hospital wing, washing his hands in the cold water of the faucet. He scooped up at little and tried to gargle the foul taste out of his mouth, spitting it into the basin and wiping his mouth on his pajamas. He stretched, yawning, and winced at he pain in his side, before shuffling back to the hospital wing.

Someone had turned on the lights, and he could hear Madam Pomfrey bustling excitedly as he slipped into the room with ninja-like stealth. Wait, _not_ ninja-like since he definitely _was _a ninja. Just plain stealth then. He padded back towards the bed as the others roused themselves, talking excitedly around his bed. He frowned. Oh, what now? He wanted to get back to sleep, darn it?

He tapped Cedric on the shoulder to get his attention. "What's going on?" he asked.

Cedric jumped and whirled to face him. "Harry!" he cried.

"Yes, that is my name," Harry said dully. "Please don't overuse, as you'll rub off all the specialness."

"HARRY!" everyone else cried, rushing towards him and ignoring Madame Pomfrey's admonitions not to be noisy in her hospital wing.

"You're rubbing the specialness off," he said, only to be cut off as Ginny hugged him, sobbing into his chest. "Ack! Rib, rib!"

"Ah! Sorry!" Ginny cried, horrified as she recoiled.

"Harry! You… YOU…!" Hermione tried to say, torn between relief and a slowly bubbling anger. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!-?"

"I had to take a leak," Harry said, as if that explained everything, and it did. "What are you getting all bent out of shape for?"

"Out of… sshapergh… miraghethff… ARGH!" Hermione exclaimed in Angrish.

"Hermione, calm down, you can beat Harry up when he's healthy," Ron said, holding her back as she tried to thump Harry with her reference book.

"Harry," Cedric said, looking him up and down. "You look well."

Viktor was less chatty, going for the traditional manly inquiry about another man's health. "Yo."

Harry nodded at him, answering with the traditional response. "'Sup."

They all nodded and that was that.

Fleur, face blank and cold, stalked up to Harry and slapped him full-armed across the face. "You _stupide, idiot, le héros égoïste__!-!-!-!-!_" she snapped vehemently, pounding on his shoulders for emphasis. "_**NEVER**_ do zat again!"

Harry nodded solemnly. Her touch was as light as air despite how violent it looked. "Got it. Never get killed to prove a point, don't go being a distraction for a giant squid. I'll try not to do it again."

Fleur nodded fiercely, grabbed his ears, pulled him in for a _very_ thorough kiss, pushed him away and turned with a huff back to her chair. Harry swayed slightly, blinking as he tried to catch up with events. "Okay, what's going on? You guys are all kinda over-reacting, aren't you? Seriously, I'm fine."

"Mr. Potter, you almost died," Madame Pomfrey said as Ginny gave Fleur a glare. "_**Again!**_"

"So what else is new?" Harry said. He yawned. "So, what did I miss? Anything juicy? Oh, who won?"

Cedric and Viktor exchanged looks as Fleur steadfastly ignored him. "Well, that's the thing…" Cedric said.

_People were being a bit hysterical as Fleur pounded down the stairs, limping slightly from her fall on the third landing. She pushed through the crowd of assorted students, yelling at them to get out of her way as she pushed forward to where the other champions were. She shoved through to the front, stumbling slightly as she reached the cleared space, and gasped, her hands rising to her face._

_Harry lay, dripping wet on the platform, his wetsuit torn in curving lines. There were sucker marks on his bare leg where most of the fabric had been torn off, and even as she watched, Viktor was determinedly pulling off the length of tentacle wrapped around him. It had managed to tear off most of his wetsuit there, and a hideous bruise was growing on his side. Harry's breathing was labored, and he looked pale as death. He was starting to shiver as well, the movement thumping ominously on the platform like the hoof beats of Death's horse. Cedric was holding down Harry's arm, still clutching his dagger, the Hufflepuff trying to keep the Gryffindor from hurting himself. Ginny was crying hysterically, clutching at her brother, while Hermione was blabbering random facts non-stop as if unable to help herself. _

_And then the teachers were there, Professor McGonagall swearing fiercely as she knelt by her student's side, heedless of the water. The judges were right behind her. Fleur ignored the disapproving look her own headmistress cast her way as she knelt down next to Harry, pleading with him to wake up._

_It was all a bit blurry after that too. Madam Pomfrey had arrived, sworn just as much as Professor McGongall had– apparently the appropriate response to Harry's injuries was swearing– and they'd levitated him back to the Hospital Wing as fast as wizardly possible. There'd been no tabulation of scores, just mad bedlam._

_Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Harry's other friends had rushed off to his side, but the other three champions had stayed behind, staring after their fallen competitor– and there was a bit of a question mark about that last– as he was taken away._

_Then Fleur had turned to them and slapped them both, hard. "Don't **ever** leave me ve'ind like zat again," she hissed, turned and, ignoring her own classmates, followed after Harry…_

Harry winced, finally catching the fading shadow of a handprint on the other boy's cheeks. "Ouch. Okay, never die to prove a point, never by squid bait again and never ditch Fleur. Got it." He frowned. "So, they haven't declared a winner yet?"

Cedric shook his head. "Apparently, there were… abnormalities…"

Viktor snorted back a laugh. Cedrci smiled and continued. "So they're going to talk to use first. Probably first thing tomorrow."

Harry sighed and, under the gaze of Madam Pomfrey, clambered back to bed. "Then I'll worry about it then. I just wanna go to sleep right now…"

Madam Pomfrey nodded in approval, then turned to glare as Harry's friends sat back where they'd been. She said nothing, however, and after inspecting Harry's bandage, gave a sniff of good night and went back to her office, turning down the lights.

Soon, all were asleep in the hospital wing again.

...

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Karkaroff said, though 'demanded' might be a closer word.

Come mid-morning of the next day, the mood of the Hospital wing was wildly different. Ron, Ginny and Hermione had been shooed out as the judges descended, accompanied by Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick. The lack of Professor Snape hovering around was sort of off-putting. Harry sat upright in bed as Madam Pomfrey fussed over him, the healer shooting dark looks at the adults and muttering about 'stress to her patient'. Arrayed between him and the judges like some kind of wall were the other champions, looking disheveled after a night sleeping on chairs.

"I'd like a glass of water?" Harry said.

"Mr. Potter, this is hardly the time for levity!" Professor McGonagall snapped, not looking at all caring as she glared at her student. "You are all facing very serious accusations of cheating!"

"Oh, _cheating_," Harry said dryly. "Well, I wouldn't want to incriminate anyone in that, right, Viktor?"

Viktor smiled tightly, but said nothing, looking down as his headmaster glowered at him.

"Can someone tell me exactly what we've allegedly violated?" Harry said. "Because I wouldn't want this to be a repeat of the night I was shanghaied into this badly-thought out tournament against my will."

"You vere trying to put you name in ze cup all day!" Madame Maxime said.

"And famously not succeeding," Harry reminded her. "I have a school full of witnesses to attest to that. But let's not repeat ourselves. What did we allegedly do? Because last I checked– and I checked very thoroughly, since I didn't want to be caught in some weird contract against my will again– there is no rule against cooperating in the tournament."

"There doesn't need to be!" Karkaroff snapped. "It's a competition! It is understood that the champions are competing against each other!"

"Is it?" Harry said.

"Of course!" Karkaroff said, turning towards Bagman, who was looking less like his usual bubbly self. "You're supposed to be running this! What do the rules say?"

"Um, well…" Bagman fumbled with is copy of the rules. "I don't… let me see…"

Bagman grabbed the rulebook from him and roughly leafed through it. "Aha! Look, it says so right here! 'The Champions shall participate in the Triwizard Tournament, competing in a variety of Tasks not to number more or less than three to the satisfaction of the judges'!"

"I've read it, Professor Karkaroff," Harry said. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It is implicitly stated there that the champions are to compete against each other!" Karkaroff snapped. "To do otherwise is a violation of the rules!"

"But professor Karkaroff, surely you can't be serious!" Bagman protested, glancing at Harry. "Look, I'm sure that–"

Viktor abruptly stepped forward. "Honored Judges, I have confession to make," he said, looking up, his head held high, poised and confident. Karkaroff froze. "I confess that it was I who coerced my fellow champions into assisting me in Second Task. The blame all lies with me, and I accept full responsibility for my actions! I submit myself to any penalty the judges wish to impose."

Karkaroff froze, both he and Harry choking on their own tongues, staring at Viktor.

"Ah," Dumbledore said, the first words he's said all day. "And why do you are you admitting to these accusations, Mr. Krum?"

The Quidditch player drew himself up proudly. "I am afraid that I can no longer bear the shame of being a party cheating," he said, almost defiant. His gaze went nowhere near his headmaster. "As a public figure, I must set an example to our impressionable youths, who might easily be led astray by such flagrant breaches."

Madame Maxime had a glint in her eye as she spoke. "Vell! A confession. I am afraid it is perfectly clear that–"

"_Pas si vite__!_" Fleur suddenly cried, stepping forward dramatically. "My 'eart cannot ztay zilent anymore! I confess! Ze one who eez ze cause of all zhis is… _moi!"_

Madame Maxime blinked at the half-veela girl as Harry began to gag.

Madame Pomfrey gave him a sharp thwack on the back. "Now Mister Potter, remember to breathe," she said sternly, though there seemed to be a twinkle in her eyes.

"I uzed my charms to zeduce zhis fine young gentlemen into doing my dirty vork!" Fleur said dramatically. Harry gulped at the way she said 'dirty'. "Monsieur Krum might 'ave thought eet vas all 'is idea, but 'e' vas actually just ze tool of _moi_! But alaz, I cannot bear to zee an innozent take ze fall for vhat I 'ave done!"

The room was so filled with ham Harry was surprised flying pigs hadn't started spontaneously appearing in midair.

"Thank you for such candid words, Miss Delacour," Dumbledore said as Madame Maxime stared at the girl in stunned horror. Harry got the feeling the old man was positively enjoying himself. "They shall be taken into consideration,"

Cedric coughed and stepped forward. "Um, yes, professor," he said, looking self-conscious. "Just want to say, what these two are saying are utter bunk. I was all me. I seduced these two and made Fleur think she was telling us what to do, but it was all my idea. I did it all of it."

"You seduced _both_ of them?" Professor Flitwick squeaked.

Cedric didn't so much as blush. "Secret Seeker Trysts were involved. I would rather spare you the details professor, as they'd be rather graphic, and inappropriate for polite company."

Harry managed a dry rasp of indignation.

"Rubbeesh!" Fleur declared. "It is clear zhat it was I who did ze seduction! Just loot at _moi_!"

"No, I cannot take allow you to take blame, Fleur," Viktor interrupted. "Your mind is clouded by the Dakr Arts my school known for, you do not know what you are saying. It is understandable, the mind plays tricks to cope–"

"Look, stop trying to cover for me you two, I did it, it's a fair cop–" Cedric was saying.

"_**OH, PLEASE!**_" Harry cried. "I did it, it was all my idea! I blackmailed them with Fleur's stolen underwear and Viktor's pants, then got Cedric to come along with it using pornography! I used my black market connections to get us our gear! Heck, it was _**MY **_Firebolt we were using, or was everyone blind!-!"

He panted, eyebrow twitching as everyone turned to him… and the other three champions burst out in laughter.

"Oh, ignore zhe leetle boy, 'e doez not know vhat 'e is saying," Fleur tittered.

"Mind scrambled by Dark Magicks," Viktor said, straight-faced. "He is pawn, manipulated by forces greater than him."

"Harry, everyone knows you're a raging egotist," Cedric said. "Do you honestly expect anyone to believe _you_ of all people would put together a plan that would involve working with others and sharing the glory?"

Harry threw his pillow in the Hufflepuff's face.

Cedric didn't even so much as budge. "See? How can someone as immature as that possibly take credit for _my_ actions?"

"Zhey are _my_ actionz!" Fleur insisted.

"Balderdash," Viktor said. "I mastermind!"

Professor Dumbledore laughed, his hands clapping in applause. "Yes, yes, I believe you have made your point my lady, gentlemen."

"There was a point?" Bagman said, confused.

"As they are implicitly pointing out," Dumbledore said, "they were _all_ involved in the alleged violation of the rules. Thus, no one person bears responsibility," his twinkle-to-eye ratio went up, "despite what the champions would like us to believe. We cannot disqualify them, as then we would have _no_ tournament. And even if we were to lay a penalty on them, it would on the whole be rather pointless, since the penalties would have to be equal, and thus mathematically would cancel each other out."

"And that's just it!" Harry broke in. "No rules were broken!"

"Ah?" Dumbledore said. "And how do you come to that conclusion, Mister Potter?"

Hary pointed at the rule book. "I've read that book cover to cover, _repeatedly_, and the phrasing is very exact, and quite repetitive. The champions are to _participate_, and they have to _compete in the tasks_," Harry said, emphasizing. "Those are the exact phrases used in any mention of competition. We need to participate, and we to compete in the task." He leaned back. "_**NEVER**_ is it mentioned _anywhere_ that we need to compete _against each other_."

"It's the same thing!" Karkaroff snapped as light dawned on the other champions.

"Point in fact, Headmaster, it is not," Cedric, Quidditch Captain and veteran of much quibbling over the rules, said. "Given the structure of the tasks and the point-sytem employed, we are competing for the approval of the judges. It is possible for the judges to approve of each Champion equally, resulting in a tie, since we are judged on the merit of our performance, not on the merit of our performance as compared to the other Champions."

Viktor was nodding, as much a veteran, and in a less forgiving battlefield. "Therefore, in rules as stated at time of Task, for Champions to cooperate violates neither spirit or letter of rules."

"Actually, for us to cooperate is actually to live up to the spirit in which the Triwizard Tournament was founded," Harry said. "After all, we're supposed to be fostering friendship and cooperation, right? And I'd be proud to call any of these three my friend, rotten, glory-hounding liars that they are."

"Hush, you," Viktor said easily.

"Vell, I suppose zhat is vun vay of looking at eet," Madame Maxime said, "but eet could easily be interpreted anozzer vay!"

"Point of order," Fleur said. "In ze case of ambiguity in any written document, zhe precedent eez ze interpration favours zhe party who did _not_ draft it. And I am zure I speak for all vhen I say no Champion participated in any drafting or revision of ze rules book."

Harry, Cedric and Viktor all nodded.

"Your choice ladies, gentlemen," Harry said, trying not to look smug and mostly succeeding. "You can say we violated the rules and drum us _all_ out… or…?"

...

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Bagman announced at the Great Hall, the Champions sitting proudly at their various tables, "We have reached our decision! After conferring with Mer-Chieftainess Murcus and the Champions, and factoring in _all_ events, we have decided to award marks out of fifty for each of the champions as follows!

"Miss Fleur Delacour demonstrated excellent use of the Bubble-Head Charm, quick and heroic action when one of her fellow Champions lost his charm and was in danger of drowning, keenness of hearing, foremost concern for the safety of the hostages, ingenious use of the Lighthouse Spotlight Spell and was first to return with her hostage. We therefore award her forty-two points."

There was wild applause, Harry and the other champions leading as they cheered for their friend.

"Mr. Cedric Diggory, who also used the Bubble-Head Charm, displayed brilliant wand work against the giant squid, and managed to catch Mr Potter in the nick to time while under enormous pressure. We therefore award him forty-one points!

"He helped save my skin!" Harry cried, clapping as loudly as the rest of them, his thankfully-retrieved blades riding in the harness on his back..

"Mr. Viktor Krum, who once more used the Bubble-Head Charm, displayed keen presence of mind in leading the escape from the giant squid. He also returned with Mr. Potter's hostage, and displayed incredible flying skills in rescuing Mr. Potter from a potentially fatal fall. We therefore award him forty-four points!"

"You're not coming off very good, mate," Ron said, still following Harry's cue and applauding.

"Still have a chance," Harry said.

"And finally, Mr. Harry Potter, who also used the Bubble-Head Charm to great effect. He was the first one to reach the hostages, and was the one who conceived the idea of using a broom underwater. He prepared for the adverse conditions of the Task above and beyond the normal, showed determination and willingness to see all hostages and Champions returned even at the expense of his own safety, stood with great courage in the face of danger–"

"He fought the giant squid!" the twins yelled enthusiastically, to premature applause.

"–and showed morale fiber in the true spirit of the Triwizard Tournament. Most judges–" Bagman gave Karkaroff a nasty look "– feel these accomplishments merit full marks–"

"_**HERE, HERE!**_" Viktor, Fleur and Cedric cried.

"– however… Mr Potter's score is forty-five points!"

The crowd roared, the other Champions standing and making it very clear they approved as the face Harry, cheering for all they were worth.

"The third and final task will take place at dusk on the twenty-fourth of June," Bagman tried to continue over the applause. "The Champions will be notified of what is coming, precisely one month beforehand, and the rules shall be, ah, _updated_ to deal with certain ambiguities in interpretation. Thank you all for your support of the champions."

There was one last outburst of cheers as everyone dug into breakfast, and Ginny found herself the center of attention as people tried to get details of how she had ended up in the lake.

Only the champions were solemn, exchanging long, lingering looks with each other. They all nodded in salute, fully expecting the new rules to come down forbidding their cooperation.

Yet as the days to the third task ticked by, no such update made itself known.

Which was fine. They hadn't bothered worrying about it anyway…

...

Sirius sighed, feeling suddenly lonely. Naruto and Sasuke had left the village on a mission that morning, and they wouldn't be back for at least three days, perhaps more. At the moment, it was just him, Dobby and Myrtle in the slightly-extended apartment. Naruto and Sasuke had finished knocking a hole through the wall in the now-adjoining apartment, and there was now a large hole in the living room that doubled size of the apartment. For now, the other side was bare, but the floor was clean and they'd managed to put down new floorboards. The two had left some cans of paint for Sirius to varnish the floor with.

He sighed. This authority figure-thing was kinda hard. He stared resentfully at the cans.

There was a knock on the door. He stood up to open it, then paused, peering out the peephole. The kids had nagged him incessantly about security, and asserted that fancy spells and whatever were useless if you just opened the door for anyone.

Anko peered back. "Hey!" she greeted. "Wanna go for a drink?"

Sirius smiled, almost opened the door, then paused and Apparated out. "Sure," he said, appearing outside the apartment.

Anko raised her eyebrow, smiling at seeing a trick well done. "Come on. You're paying, cleaning man…"

...

"Wah! Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto cried, staring at where Kakashi had been cut in half by the two demon brothers. "He died so young!"

"Naruto…" Sakura said.

"We will miss you, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto wailed, tears streaming down his eyes, "Don't worry, we'll take your lessons to heart! Okay, dibs on his wallet."

Behind him, Kakashi sighed and bopped the blonde one. "Naruto, get up."

"AH! It's the ghost of Kakash-sensei, here to make out with Myrtle-neechan!"

"Oh, put a lid on it," Kakashi said, turning to their client. "I believe a few explanations are in order…"

The bridge-builder gulped…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: The squid is all **ranma hibiki**'s fault.

I hope this was a satisfactory resolution to the Second Task.

The spell Fleur used is famous, and has been (most likely badly) translated to French, and then had faux-latin endings added to turn it into a spell. It makes an enormous beam of light, and is exactly what is says on the tin: it was used for lighthouses to guide ships at see. Famous for being visible clear across the English channel. Rarely used now, as technology takes care of it.

Just a note, the cliffhanger from last chap WILL happen. Just not yet…

PROTEST THE TVTROPES "MORALITY" CLEAN UP! PROTEST! BOYCOTT! LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN! JUST BRING BACK THE FATE/STAY NIGHT PAGE!

Oh, and maybe a page for this?

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
